Challenged in Love

I think I definitely must start this entry out by saying - my heart is stirred, deeply. Last week our church did our 5th annual mission outreach to our beautiful city on the lake, and something changed in my heart, as I was pushed out of my comfort zone for - hah - the entire time.

I've been feeling a little uprooted lately. Its like having an old plastic water bottle fill with water, sand, some dirt and debris and shaking it so that everything in the bottle is whirling in every which direction. That's how I've felt in the past 5 months - entirely up set in a flurry of all the elements that make up my life - nothing new - yet everything is different and nothing is settled.

And yet, something IS new - its a shift in my heart.


This past Tuesday I sat down and did my first 8-10 devotional set at the House of Prayer. I don't think I've felt so moved within my soul while sitting on a stool, guitar in hand and the synth of the keys on low, before. AND I really don't think I've ever sung quite like that before either. Every single word weighed out in my heart like gold. It's time to tell about the treasure cove I've found: a place called His Heart.

I definitely have been walking through a place where I'm facing insecurities, dealing with old wounds, and coming to terms with the fact that I have so many wrong views of God that I don't even know where to start! Who would have thought that a little heart-break would trigger so many good things in my life - and even triggering a season of surfacing treasures in my life with the Lord that never would have sparkled any other way?

While I was singing on Tuesday, I had a revelation: In a dry and weary land where there is no water? I'm supposed to find that I AM the well. All that water I need is already flowing in me and I just need to tap into the resource of the Kingdom of God and all the Spirit IS for me.
I began to sing something that keeps kind of looping through my thoughts, "Deep, deep down, there is a river (a well) there is a fountain and it flows right out from Your heart. In a dry and weary land I will be a well (a fountain) of praise, singing over and over again. Its all for You."

I just remember sitting on that stool, thinking of what I could say to God next. And all I could think of was the vast treasure - the unsurpassed worth of knowing Him. Its overwhelming, really. He's so worth my time. He's so worth my pain. He's so worth it all, and Its like He put me under just enough pressure that would yield the most fruit in my walk with Him... and then I get to benefit from it all by seeing Him a little clearer. Its absolutely unbelievable. He's beautiful. He blows me away.
But I'm solid on Him and I withstand the strong winds I never thought I'd be able to stand against. I didn't know I was so fragile - so small. I didn't know I was this strong and fearless. I didn't know I could take heart-break the way I do - and I didn't know how experience seems to make one more humble or how the more I know about something, the less I feel I ought to talk about it. Its all so Topsy-turvy. I just... am so stirred.

So back to our mission outreach. We went out, approaching people, giving away free water, asking to pray for people and just enjoying being together.

Oh. And another thing - we were by the lake the entire time. Something about being by open water is very profound to my heart. I don't know what it is - the wind, the fact that I can't see the other side, the birds or sounds? Or is it that it is all even on top, with the waves of life being tossed to and fro, but the possibilities of going DEEP, are endless (hypothetically.) I don't know.

But God did speak something specific to my heart out at Edgewater that evening during worship on the beach: Of COURSE this is where I'm supposed to be! Of COURSE the Vineyard is my church home and of COURSE God has reasons for me to be there! I'm so being stretched by being around these people who seem to have no qualms about going up to someone and asking to pray for them. These are the kind of people we're PRAYING for in the House of Prayer... so I find myself on the opposite end - DOING what I'm praying will happen in my city. And its entirely uncomfortable in the approach for me. Yet I love the people. So stretching. The people in my church are so honest and loving. I don't even know what to do with it half the time except continue to humble myself and learn from all of them - and grow with them.

So I feel like my life is settling a little, which is nice. A lot is still up in the air, but for now at least the heaviest, most important things have settled in my little bottle of life. And I'm still working out some kinks, but who isn't? I want God to move me. And He is. And He is and He is and He is.

And I keep on praying He will and that He won't stop until He's through.

"Don't stop until You're through - I wanna be all for You."

Hm... Amen.