1 Percenter, Grace and "Getting Saved"

I've been thinking about how I wanted to start this post -
 what sentence would capture in a nutshell the reason behind my somewhat sudden absence from the bloggersphere. But to be honest - nothing really came to mind.  And I'm okay with that.

Since my last (what I would call shortstop) post ... and to be honest, since I last really posted, my life has been turned upside down and all around.

Going to India pretty much set it off, too.  I mean, I knew it was going to change my life and all, but I have nothing in the history of my life to compare this to.

First of all, a few things should be in the back of your mind as I explain.

Firstly, I wanted to be an archaeologist when I grew up as a kid.  Which could coincide with my love for understanding people and culture so... anthropology? I just clumped it all together in one word though.

When I got older, I thought I'd be a wiseguy and pull one over on God - meaning, make my life plans LOOK like God's work so I could do what I really wanted to do.  hehe.  So I told God I wanted to be a missionary... and then do archeology on the side.  ... Then as time went on, I actually DID want to be a missionary.  And then further down the road, for various reasons, I decided that since most missionaries I knew were just serving their own communities, I would be a missionary and learn to serve mine.

Except I didn't really love my community.  How many of us know that in order to truly serve out of our own free will, we must also learn to love?  I had a long way to go.  But we all do... all the time.

Anyway I dropped the idea of going to other countries around the age of 14.  Fast forward a decade - and my 24 year old self  just met up with her missionary dreams once again.
 Except what she realized was that in learning to love her own country, her own city, her own community and her own family, she was able and prepared to love another.

What I saw in myself was surprising.  Why was it so easy?  Why did I love things others could only tolerate?  Why did I connect with the people like they were my own family?
And most of all, WHO THE HECK AM I?  I mean - what just happened here.

There are a LOT of things people say to people like me:  mission trip newbies.

"Of course you won't want to leave.  You never do, when its your first trip."

"I know it sucks to go back right now but, you'll be back to normal soon."

"Yeah, over time you'll forget about the place... and it'll seem like it never happened.  But... you'll be different.  And you'll remember that it DID happen. Because you're not the same, even though your life is." 

"Yeah... there's always that 'mission trip crush'.  It'll pass."
 (*Ahem* More on that later.)

Are these little tidbits I've heard over the past 7 months wrong?  No way!  Its a lot of truth.  For most people.

But... I'm not most people.  I'm Sarah.  And in the one percent chance that the status quo DOESN'T apply to a situation, you can surely conclude that my life is made up of the most hilarious "did that just happen?" one percent chance situations.   Sometimes I wish I could say different, but honestly I get a kick out of my life and it always seems to come through prove everyone wrong when they try to categorize or generalize it.  It suddenly seems to have a mind of its own  - have a bad hair day - or decide it just won't cooperate.  It chooses the most opportune moment to declare itself different right when I think I'm about to enjoy a little bit of 'normal' for a change.

The truth is though - all those words people offer to mission trip newbies like me - just didn't fit.
They were true enough, for a majority of people.  But not for me.
Why?  Because this is part of that one percent chance that something is different.

See...
I didn't forget about India.  I didn't forget about the people.   They're always in the back of my mind. Every day.
My life has been and is a waiting grounds for something greater to happen. Something that will allow me to move forward into whatever the Lord has next.
Plus, I met a man who has since captured my heart - and it was so God-ordained that I can only testify of God's goodness in it.  But that is for a different post. :)

My mind came back reeling with thoughts and possibilities I had never considered or imagined.
I was overwhelmed.  I've curled up in a ball on my floor trying to find something that HADN'T chanced.  The only thing that hadn't was Jesus.  That kind of lesson is learned when nothing is familiar.  I didn't know  who I was anymore.  Yet... I was more myself than I could have ever been up until those moments.  And I'm so grateful.

++++

So what's been going on with me these past few months?

Honestly?  I've been processing data.  I've been learning about grace.
I've been wrestling with grace.  I've been offended with grace and by grace.
And after working through cycles and cycles of this (and as I continue to), I've come to the conclusion that I'm desperate for it.
I've been so stuck in this ongoing lie that when I keep sinning in the same area of my life and have to keep asking for forgiveness, I'm somehow raping the grace God has given to me.  I've spent so much of my life judging people who use God's "grace" to justify their sin that I have condemned myself to that same judgement.  And to come face to face with the fact that God's judgement of my own situation was more gentle than mine... that He offered me grace when I offered myself none - it offended me.  Grace isn't fair.
Yet God's judgements are true.

So how does this work?

It works when you realize you need saving from yourself.  

You know.  I've grown up in the church.  I asked Jesus in my heart at 3.  I was baptized in the Holy Spirit at 12 years old.  I've ministered in many ways.  But I never had a moment where I knew I needed saved.  And I needed saved BAD.

I never had that moment, that is, until I got back from India.
A couple months of this wrestling led me to a face-plant in my front room floor, weeping as Jesus spoke clearly to my heart, "Sarah, are you better than your master?"

6 words crumbled my proud resolve and as I wept some of my most painful tears yet, the only thing I could think was that "This must be how it feels to get saved."

And that's when I realized ... I was. Just then, I "got saved".
And I wept that it took so long for me to understand it.  And I wept because God's timing is perfect and that it was His grace that allowed me to walk with Him until this moment.

Do I believe that a person can love God, walk with God, know God, learn from God and not be saved?  Nope.  But most people know Jesus as their Savior when they choose God back.
But remember?  I'm that weird one percent chancer.
And it just so happens that though I've been saved by grace this whole time, I didn't know I needed a savior the way I know I need one now.
So my life is a little backwards, no question about that.  But.  Nevertheless, my best friend Jesus revealed Himself to me as my Savior.  And now I get to add that to the list of names He's been revealing to me in His own way.

So that's one thing the Lord is doing in my heart on a personal level.

In my next post I'm going to explain how I came to the conclusion that God is going to send me to India again, next year.  But this time for 6 months!  :)  Stay tuned!

My God-in-a-box and Being Offended at Healings

I've always had a hard time with the "gifts of healing" mentioned in the Bible.
Some of you may not believe that God moves today... but I assure you from personal experience... everything the New Testament talks about?  Yeah.  I've experienced it.
Even though the movements of the Holy Spirit are as legit as I say, I've still had a hard time with what I feel about "healing".

I've had a hard time with healing because I've never been able to wrap my mind around why God DOESN'T heal. And to be honest, I've been offended at some of His decisions in this matter.

But something happened that began to change that.

Every summer I ended up rolling both my ankles.  Then... I would limp until right before the next summer.  I did this for about 3 or 4 years and it was really the most frustrating thing for me.
But I decided to get prayer for it again because the new church I began to go to believes strongly that God is in the business of physical healing.

You know what?  I could run and jump after I got prayer.  And I haven't rolled my ankle again.  Its been almost 5 years.

Not that I didn't believe God could heal.  I definitely believed He could. 
I just somehow believed that healing was always up to my faith - whether I was praying for someone or whether I was getting prayer for it.

And I was just... really wrong.

Then I went to India.
And in India, I didn't even have to have really deep or extravagant prayers.  People were getting healed - bones were entirely mended, ear aches and tummy aches and deaf - everyone.  People were getting healed.
These people weren't even Jesus-followers.
So...why does it feel like pulling teeth when I pray for these things to happen back in the US?

These are questions I wonder if people usually ask when coming back from short term mission trips like mine.

Because in India, you can buy idols anywhere.  And it was actually a little bit of a spiritual shock for me because when I was standing in front of shelves and shelves of idols at these stores it hit me like a ton of bricks that the idols themselves actually had no creepy spiritual presence to them.

And right as I had this thought, the Lord imprinted a truth into my heart.
"They only have demonic influence when they are prayed to."  Otherwise... they're statues.

But here's the thing:  the idea of a god or gods is acknowledged and overtly accepted in the country of India as well as other countries.

The US as a general people have begun to lean towards no acknowledgement of a higher power beyond their own capabilities.  We're intellectual and philosophical.  We don't accept that we can't understand everything.  If we can't understand something, we will make ourselves understand or we will make it small enough to wrap our minds around.

I know some people will not agree with me about that last statement. 
Though I believe that understanding and wisdom and knowledge are wonderful things to have and to be fluent in, I don't believe that it is wise to think that we can know the whole of something which is vast.

God is one of those things - He is one of those Persons - who is vast and beyond our understanding.

So... coming home to the States I asked the Lord, "Lord... um hey.  Why don't you heal here the way you heal people there?"

And you know what He said?

"You have whittled Me down and gotten rid of the parts of Me you don't like or understand.  What you're left with isn't Me - but an idol.  When you pray to that god, he can't heal you... Because you got rid of the  parts you don't understand of Me.  And those are the parts that heal, that do miracles and unexplainable things."

But at least we have a little wooden idol of god in our pocket right?

I'm determined to let God be as big as He actually is.
I am so tired of little gods and my big head.

Settling The Score

There are times where my heart doesn't have as much thought as it has "processing" taking place, deeper in.
When this happens, I don't have much to say, but I end up feeling creative.
This week is no exception.  I know I've been counting the cost again...
I've always said that there is no sacrifice too great for my Jesus.  I've already settled the price.  Every time it costs me more, I remember it is already done and it becomes a test of my faithfulness to Jesus, and I'm learning to settle the score.  Pay the price.  Walk with Christ.
But instead of explaining it away, I will let my poem speak for itself.

I Found Myself In India

The air was was muggy and smelt faintly of spices.
I knew I had stepped into a different world the moment I stepped out of the plane.

I heard it would be weird and I heard it would smell different.  I heard it would smell, period.
And they weren't wrong.  But to me, it smelled wonderful.
It smelled wonderful because it smelled like a dream coming true.

There's something about India that has either begun to lace itself into my heart... or perhaps it was woven in to begin with.  Maybe its always been apart of my DNA.  I'm not sure.

In Honor of Valentine's Day: Do You Want My Hand or My Heart?

It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the glory of kings to search out a matter. –    Proverbs 25:2 NASB

It has not been often that my heart has been searched out by people. Surprisingly not even most of the guys I’ve dated have cared to truly know me.

Oh, I’ve been told I was known.  They didn’t need to ask me questions to know me.  They just did, they said.

“I feel like I’ve known you all my life!”

That’s my favorite line.  I’ve heard it enough times to throw up a gallon of those lines.

…It could be a sweet sentiment, but to me, if it is not paired with actually knowing my heart, it makes me wince.  It would make anyone who's been in my position wince.

My experience, much like some of yours, acquainted me with the understanding that people like me not necessarily for who I am, but more for what I do.

When Your Dreams are Dashed and Your Heart is Broken

I was 13 years old.  I was sure I’d get married to my first love by the time I was 22.

I envisioned a lovely, romantic courtship much like Anne of Green Gables and her beau, Gilbert Blythe or Laura Ingalls and Almanzo Wilder.  We were going to start out as friends; we’d secretly love each other and one day, we’d just get married.

While these are sweet sentiments to grow up dreaming about, it was quite the crash when I fell from the clouds of these expectations.

Whimsical Little Heart That I Have

A year ago, I was the person who hoped for spring in the middle of winter and was disappointed when my hopes were dashed with mounds of snow.

This year, I find myself lovingly embracing each season and hoping to experience exactly what is brought with them - winter, spring, summer, and fall.

It may seem to some that I'm a person who doesn't know what I want.
Its true.  I don't always.
Maybe though, the way that I find myself approaching the seasons this year is evidence that God has been changing my heart drastically.
I'm sad to see the snow melt AGAIN, for the 27th time this winter.

But, its a new season.  Its not last winter, its not next winter.  Its THIS winter.  And this winter brings a blizzard yesterday and 50 degree weather today.
And - its all in God's hands, which means that its beautiful.
I couldn't see the beauty in that, a year ago.
But now its this year.  A new year.
With THAT being said, feeling a little up heaved over these past few months has jostled my heart into a new rhythm of sorts - one that, upon speculation, seems best put within the context of a poem.
The title seems exactly appropriate for my thoughts.

The Rhythm-Changer
Moving about my day
to my own beat and to time
my hands to work I may
to keep the rhythm of my rhyme.
Day to day its kept
my heart was beating fine
'til in my life you stepped
I saw my world was never mine.
Now I dance about my day
twirling to a tune
with lyrics I can't say
but smell sweet like a perfume.
Moving about my day
to your beat and to your time
hands work is Kingdom play
face set, my heart sublime.

Sara Groves wrote a song called "Setting Up the Pins".
She sings about how life's rhythm is like setting up the pins and knocking them down.
I feel like that's life's rhythm except for ONE major difference:  I don't dance to my own beat.  I dance to His.  I dance to the beat of Jesus.  I dance to the beat of the Holy Spirit.
And He is ALWAYS doing a new thing - the things of God.

There's a LOT of change happening in my life right now, but I'm not going to actually update all of you until plans are set in stone.  So my question is: would you pray for me?

I love you all,

Sarah

A Pilgrim's Process

Have you ever been in a season of your life where NOTHING goes the way you planned and EVERY way you thought you would react is absolutely not the way you end up reacting?
Or how about the one where you don't just wrestle with God all night long - but for MONTHS long?
Or what about the season where you almost welcome the ugly truth at any cost, just so there's finally some absolutes in the muddled mess of chaos that seems to be all-encompassing in the brain and heart part of your life?

Add those 3 examples up and stir in a few more - and you've got the season I've been in for probably the last 2 months or so.

I've had more midnight encounters with the Lord in the last 5 months than I've had in my entire lifetime.
I remember asking God to inconvenience me if it meant losing sleep at night.  I didn't know that the answer to this prayer would be accompanied by the turmoil I've been facing in my heart these past few months.

In a nutshell, I've been facing the all-too-real fact that apart from God, I can do nothing that benefits me or anyone else.  Not only that,

Big Heart, Little Dreamer

"Me dreaming big right now is like a childs cardboard book hoping to be an epic novel one day. It could happen, right?"




I honestly feel the way Pooh looks like he's feeling in the sketch - unsure... but still willing to move forward since thats the only thing left to do.


I know this may sound ridiculous, but I feel boring.  And I may not actually BE boring so much as I find my life is boring.  I'm almost afraid to say that because it sounds like I'm not seeking God enough and thats my problem... but its not!  I'm walking with God and I'm reading my Bible every day... but I can't dream big at ALL.  I KNOW I'm meant for something big, and its an exciting feeling, but at this moment, I don't see anything fantastic about my life right now. 


 It LOOKS like I have no life.  (Because I really don't, truthfully.) 


 It SEEMS that nothing big is actually going to happen to me (but things aren't always as they seem, usually. Who KNOWS what God is doing in all of this.)


 And it FEELS like I'm not going ANYwhere (yet a month ago if you had told me that in a months time I wouldn't be with my boyfriend, I would cut my hair 6 1/2 inches shorter, I would put in my two weeks notice at FirstMerit and that I'd be working at a dentist office wearing scrubs and working with mentally handicapped people on the side AND that I'd lead worship for the first time for my church on a Sunday morning, I would have guffawed in your face.)


I sound absolutely absurd right now.  Who am I kidding?  My life is insane and it just took a drastic turn.  Yet my problem is - I'm very discontent with myself.
I don't see any big dreams in my heart.  In fact, I'm concerned because I don't even seem to be able to conjure up any big dreams at ALL.
Whats with me?
And my question for God at this point is, "What do you want from me?"
I'm faithful, I'm trying desperately to live righteously before Him.  I'm doing all I can do to pull myself together.  I'm reading my Bible every day, I'm talking to Him in my car.  Yet I'm unsatisfied.  


I think God just wants ME.
I've been busying myself with doing all thats required of me, but He doesn't require the "doing", He requests the "BEing".  


So here I am.


Finger to my chin, head cocked slightly, staring in the direction that I inevitably must go. 


"Think, think, think, think.  Oooh bother."


Its just where I am right now.

I'd like EXTRA Tomatoes and EXTRA Cucumbers, Please.

"Looking up through her lashes she settled her gaze upon a horizon promising hills and mountains and valleys silhouetted by a creatively splashed, evening sky.  Opening wide her arms she cried, "Ah!  My friends!" and continued forward, skipping securely on the heights." 

What does the Lord have for me?

Man, I've been asking this question for years, and the answer usually comes with the seasons.  AND ... its always changing.  It seems like God has a LOT for me.

Its been a very difficult season, certainly.  Its funny to me because people who see, hug me in a massive, enveloping embrace and look at me with shining eyes and whisper, "God is doing a deep work in your life, girl.  Oh He is...." and then, with a burst of delightful, joyous chuckling, I'm hugged again.

Its wonderful!  Except for one thing:  I don't feel it or see it at all.  Its nice that everyone ELSE can, but as for me?  My life is just one big compression of pressure and stress.
A few months ago I was fighting the Lord about why I was feeling this way, but TODAY... I'm like very flexible clay.  I just... whatever.
Whatever He wants - whats the point in fighting back?  Its better just to give in, and embrace the change.

Embrace the journey.

...Calculated Chaos in the Midst of ... Peace?

My life has taken a few undetected turns since I last wrote...
But strangely enough, I'm not too alarmed.  There's so much going on with my family ... dare I share that I believe God may be restoring us?

My brother and my sister (my sister being gone and not around for a year and a half, my brother being gone for about 5ish/6ish months) are finding themselves back at home more and more often, and our family is receiving them with loving arms.  Last Friday, along a brave young man's request to pursue me, my family... my Family was all together for the first time in a year and a half.  My grandparents included... EVERYONE around the table.  ... Something happened in my heart that night.  It felt like home for the first time in a LONG time.

Challenged in Love

I think I definitely must start this entry out by saying - my heart is stirred, deeply. Last week our church did our 5th annual mission outreach to our beautiful city on the lake, and something changed in my heart, as I was pushed out of my comfort zone for - hah - the entire time.

I've been feeling a little uprooted lately. Its like having an old plastic water bottle fill with water, sand, some dirt and debris and shaking it so that everything in the bottle is whirling in every which direction. That's how I've felt in the past 5 months - entirely up set in a flurry of all the elements that make up my life - nothing new - yet everything is different and nothing is settled.

And yet, something IS new - its a shift in my heart.

An Undefeated Heart

It has definitely been a while since I have expressed my thoughts in this little blog. I'm so glad I have it for the very reason that I may be able to when I am ready. It has been quite the journey so far, this summer, as the Lord is bringing me nearer to His heart.


I know I struggle with holding myself to a standard of perfection, and NO ONE is more disappointed in myself then me when I don't meet it.

Somewhere along the way I started to believe that whenever something bad happened to me, it HAD to have been my fault somehow. I did something. It was a glitch somewhere that I didn't catch. So, I mull over everything I could have done better or differently until I find a fault. I then tweak it and believe that NEXT time, (because of my "fixing the problem") I shouldn't have anymore issues.

But c'mon. I'm human. I mess things up. I don't usually factor that in to my flawed mindset, however, and the vicious cycle continues.

This season has been a time of breaking the cycle.