Challenged in Love

I think I definitely must start this entry out by saying - my heart is stirred, deeply. Last week our church did our 5th annual mission outreach to our beautiful city on the lake, and something changed in my heart, as I was pushed out of my comfort zone for - hah - the entire time.

I've been feeling a little uprooted lately. Its like having an old plastic water bottle fill with water, sand, some dirt and debris and shaking it so that everything in the bottle is whirling in every which direction. That's how I've felt in the past 5 months - entirely up set in a flurry of all the elements that make up my life - nothing new - yet everything is different and nothing is settled.

And yet, something IS new - its a shift in my heart.

BINGO

And as I was this Day

By Sarah Faithy, Early to mid 2005

Here I stand in happy gaze, the days are far not few
The sun is in my best, and the leaves, they're for me too.
The clouds, they swell with joyous pride, embracing light-heart phase
and as I was this day, my soul strains to seek Your face.

A day and two I sat therein, as it weeped outside
convinced was I, the clouds exposed what hid behind my eyes.
wretched was the world I saw, through my welled up tears
mangled in my disposition, I thus gave you my cares.

Hitherto I fight myself - that is, besides my foe.
for verbal deeds will nay get done, lest action be bestowed.
My will - the flesh. Stubborn, must die, submitting to it's place
though battered for severe mistakes, my soul was given grace.

Emerged - I did. the Sun was gray, as I beckoned forth.
My frame - cloaked in humility - my heart the brightest source.
For therein dwelt my love, my God, to which all else grows dim.
And though victory be mine that day, my soul, it dwells in Him.

I wonder if I'm the only one who seems to prophecy stuff over my life as I grow. Its like I'll say something but Jesus knew it would mean something so much greater as time went on.

I wrote this poem in 2005 as well.... but I had noooo clue that it would actually mean that I'd truly go through each phase. I had believed I had before! But there's something new about looking back on the things God was showing me a few years ago. Its that He knew what He would have me walk through.

I have to say, this poem is what my heart sings right now. Things seem so great when you're on a mountain top, but as you stand there, everything seems below you, you know? And if, like me, you've never experienced the kind the valley that it takes to keep you humble when you get to the next mountain top, you'll probably, like I do so often times, forget that you really NEED Him.

There are struggles we all inevitably must deal with - me? At this point in the game of life, my struggles are in my head. What lies will I believe? What truths will I speak over myself? Will I remember that the way I feel does not define what is true and will not shake the Rock I stand upon?

WILL I let my feelings shake me?

Hah. No.

I've found myself feeling some of the same anxieties I felt ermmm... probably the beginning of 2006. I remember feeling like my time would never come and I remember feeling like I was losing grip of something. I felt like all hope was lost - and well hey! A friendship was put on hold. One I cared deeply about.

But I'm different now. And I remind myself of that. And you know? The enemy is REALLY GOOD about bringing the past into the "Now" experiences. He's really good at bringing you BACK to something you've walked faaar far away from.

And the knowledge of this WILL be the end of this attack.

I am NOT who I was. I'm different now.

AND the situations are NOT the same now, as they were then.

And!!! HERE is the greatest thing of all!

I am NOT my emotions and my emotions usually DON'T tell the truth. They REFLECT what IS true - and what IS true is that I'm being reminded of the things that no longer ARE in my life and THAT must stop.

That right there is an amazing revelation if someone can wrap themselves around it... because I never would have even thought to think that way a year and a half ago.
I've come so far.

My emotions? They change. Over and over and over again. But they're not bad! They're a gift! But a wise woman will know that they are just to allow us to relate to Jesus more; NOT to lead us. Its the icing on the cake to feel something, good or bad.

So struggles - "Hitherto I fight myself - that is, besides my foe."
haha. Its so true.

But aaaah! How sweet victory is when you know that the One who has your back never forsook you? Instead, He cried with you, He laughed with you, He carried you, He shared with you in your sufferings..... and actually.... It was YOU who shared with Him in HIS sufferings because He's gone through it all before.


Isn't that just - amazing?!

He loves us!!!!! THE END.

Nothing can change it. It just is the way it is!

And you know? All my life all I focussed on was doing it right. Being right. Impress, impress, impress. I wanted to impress Him. I wanted to prove I was real. Wow. I actually... My entire life was spent proving things to people. I COULD climb a tree, even if I was a girl. I COULD beat the boys at their own game, even if I WAS a girl. I WONT EVER marry a potty (like the boys in kindergarten Sunday school used to tell me all the time) and FURTHERMORE, marrying a potty isn't even POSSIBLE, duh!?!. I AM an a plus student, I'm just bored with the freaking homework. I AM worth your time, if you would just give it to me. I AM talented I AM... I am I am I am by actions actions actions.


But Jesus.


JESUS is I AM.

And so now, I don't need to prove anything.
He delights in me just as I am.

No more proving anything. No more trying to be something I feel I need to be.
Now? Now He is showing me that His love for me is proof enough of who I really am. I am His.

Now all I need to do is be who He made me to be and to stay in His Love.
He loves me! He loves us. He's given us sooo much and He wants us to do something with it! But the world makes us prove that we have what it takes to be something great.

God isn't like that. WE have His love and His blessing, so we don't NEED to prove anything. Those two things are proof enough. So all we have to do is live in it and love in it and BE in it.

And you know?

We'll begin to glow.


Why?


Cause we'll be in love.

And isn't that really, the pursuit of every person on this earth?


BINGO.

Connect the dots, baby.

Thats why we're here.







AAAAAAHHHHH.



I thought I had emerged before, but this is different.

I think I might finally be catching something wild.
And you know?

So what if the sky is gray?

So what if everyhing around me is never going to be the same one day to the next?

I am His.

He is Mine.

He is Sovereign.

He holds all things together.

And I'll be okay.

And I'll be more then okay.

I'll be me.

And as I become me more and more, I'll be more like Him. And that'll be my witness.
But even then, I probably won't care. Because I'll be in love.
well.. I amm...


sheesh. I need to just stop. Or I'll go on forever.
Somedayyyy..... I will.


:)

O Tree where art thou Fruits?

The Stand still.

That's where I am right now.

I'm at the stand still.


I mean, I'm not standing still in anything.... my relationship with God, every day that goes by, my jobs, the intern program... everything keeps going and coming to a slow, quick end. Well, the things that mean the most to me, that is. So much change. I'll be ending the intern program in less then 2 weeks. Its so weird that something that stretched me so much, something that I once was so excited to begin, something that was a whole 10 months, is now coming to an end.

But so much is coming to an end.

My time as a youth leader.
my time as a worship leader at Blast, the Race AND Contact.
My time as an intern.
My time at Cornerstone?

I'm not sure.

But one thing I DO know is, God offered me so many options. I was so confused until I realized He was just looking for a willingness to do ANY one of them for Him!
And when I was willing, God spoke to my heart. In the midst of all the transition at the church, in the midst of what seems to be my EMERGING into the calling of God on my life, in the midst of so much opportunity for ministry work!... would I step down if He were to ask me?

I do not remember the moment this happened. But I do know it happened. And I also know that at that moment, God allowed me to be guided by His peace, because He had offered me the option He wanted me to take, and He knew that if I was listening, I would follow.

And so here I am.


Honestly?


I'm terrified that I have no hold on my life.

A friend said to me, "you know why God asked you to step down and out? Its because you've put all your trust in your 'call' into ministry for your future instead of God." maybe that's not the exact words she said... but that's exactly how I heard it.

She is right.

I've never thought that maybe God wanted something different for my life other than "full-time ministry" as I knew it.

But, here is my hope and peace: as I've decided to step down, God has put in my heart a calling stronger then EVER to full-time ministry.
The difference? It might be to something totally and completely different then what I thought full-time ministry meant.


Now, I need to wait.

argh. I'm bad at waiting. I mean, I'm good at it for a little while, but then I get antsy after a while and by the time the waiting period is pulling through full-term, I usually have myself near convinced that I'm going to die from not doing anything.

But here's a very very valid thing: dude, you're not supposed to just wait around while you're waiting. You're supposed to create a JESUS CULTURE. You're supposed to create an environment around you. You're supposed to create something with what you've got.

Hello?! The parable of the servant and the talents? We're not supposed to bury the moment God gave us and wait for Him to give us another OR to come back! We're supposed to DO something with it!

SO many times I listen to people talk, talk, talk about how we need a revolution. How we need people on fire for God. How if people were REAL believers, the atmosphere would be different, there would be a mass difference in our culture.

And you know what I see? NOTHING. Talk, talk, talk and book after book after book, but NOTHING.

People read those books and go, "wow, that is soo true! That was good." But you see absolutely NO fruits. None. And this is uniform throughout our country from those who live a normal every day life to those who title themselves preachers, pastors, evangelists, and ministers.

And then I get challenged, "well you can't make that generalization, Sarah. You can't say that."

Oh YES I can.

Statistics say that 90% of Americans call themselves Christians. 90%!

The Bible says that we are not to be judgemental, but that we DO need to judge good from evil and discern the spirits AND tell a good tree by its good fruit and a bad tree by its BAD fruit OR by no fruit at ALL, like the fig tree Jesus cursed!

People who aren't Christians aren't to be judged by the standards God has set for us. They don't count here. Why? Because they don't count themselves as that 90%. Thank God for a LITTLE honesty here!

WE'RE counting the 90% of "Christians" in America.

The Bible says if 1 person can slay (or reach) 1000 that 2 people can slay (or reach) 10,000.

So, if this is true, we should see an increase of Fruits of that by 9000%.

Ministries and Churches couldn't be started QUICK enough to hold all the followers and believers! in 2005 a Bible software company took a survey to see what the percentage of users were missionaries. it was about 13%.

Now, if 13% of ALL Christians in America were just missionaries, do you know what kind of IMPACT that would have on our WORLD ALONE?!

I think its safe to say that the Church in America isn't doing their job.

Fewer and fewer young people ever come back to the churches let alone study to be ministers or pastors.

according to statistics done by Battle Cry, just 3% of all American students will be evangelical Christians in the up-coming generation.




That sucks.


So you know what? I'm not going to let the Church misrepresent Jesus Christ this way.

God asked me to wait on Him.
But He never made me an exception to His call for us to be His witnesses in all of our Jerusalem's, Judea's, Samaria's and to the ends of the earth!

Or how about our Niniva's? The places you don't want to go or be?

Guess what! I don't want to just stay here!

But God wants me to wait.

And so I will.

But I'm creative. If He wants me to wait, then this is a test of what I'm going to do with this waiting period of my life. Will I prove myself faithful and give it back to Him doubled? He gives me something that seems like nothing, but if I just be myself, I'll make it into something and isn't that twice as great as what it was before?

God never calls us to be dormant.

Never.


In fact, it has been said that satan's greatest deception is Christianity as it America knows it - lukewarm, boring, dull and the eqivilant of a spiritual Kansas - dry, seemingly fruitless and plain, but a necessary way to get to Colorado from Ohio. :-p


Thats not a true believer's walk, by any stretch.

Kansas isn't anyone's dream spot to live, and neither is it very pleasant to kiss dry, crackling lips.


A true Follower's life should be ample with Joy, green from the Holy Spirit who's called the water to every part of the soul. It should be full of trees of life, and of all the fruits of the spirit.
YES, there WILL be weeds and prickle bushes and trees that don't bear fruit or even bear BAD fruit at times, but God works those OUT of our lives! He really, really does; if we let Him weed them.

When we allow God to be everything to us, all of a sudden we don't need to force ourselves to be witnesses. we ARE a walking, showing, talking witness! Notice how I said showing? It'll be SO EVIDENT that Jesus is you're center beCAUSE you're so full of Him that you're messy - you spill Him EVERYWHERE! When you walk, you leave Jesus-Love tracks. When you hug someone, you get Jesus all over them. Where you walk, you've taken back Holy ground!
The fruits of the spirit will be good and guess what? People will eat from them around you. You'll IMPACT them. You'll be planting seeds just because you can't help it, and esPECIALLY if people can't help but eat of the fruits!



Dormant Christianity? It stops here.

It stops with me. I'll either be hot or I'll be cold, but you can count me out if I'm going to be like puke in God's mouth.

I challenge the Church to do the same.


Are you in? Or are you out?


Simple as that, O 90%. Simple as that.

You are the One True thing: I give this day to You.

Okay, I haven't written in a while, but I'd like to let everyone know what my life is all about.

There are two songs that hit me where I am right now, bulls eye, snap and lock.

"One Real Thing" by skillet

Speak, and my heart starts aching
Reach, and the numbness dims
Beat, still my minds uncertain
Breathe, it begins again

You are the One Real Thing
You are the One True Thing that I know
You are the One Real Thing
No matter what the future brings
You're the One Real Thing

Stay, locked within Your presence
Truth, renew in my mind again
Rest, cuz I know You're faithful and I
Trust, cuz I know Your name


You are the One Real Thing
You are the One True Thing
No matter what the future brings
You're the One Real Thing

I get down on my knees and I
Feel Your love wash over me (One Real Thing)

Speak, and my heart starts aching
Reach, and the numbness dims
Beat, still my minds uncertain
Breathe, it begins again, again...


I get down on my knees and I
Feel Your love wash over me (One Real Thing)

"This Day" -Audio A

It's six A.M
I'm so tired
The alarm sounds
And the new day begins
Before I go
And disturb this peaceful moment
I look to You

[CHORUS:]
I want to say a prayer
Before my feet can hit the ground
Lord I give this day to You

I'm amazed how You forgive me
Yesterday seems so far behind
It's a brand new day
And every day's a new beginning
I look to You

[CHORUS]

Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
And watch the day begin
I wanna watch the day begin

These songs are the epitomy of my life right now.

I'm begining to see something of a fresh new craziness in my somewhat mondane life: Its that God is REAL, I am real, and that it all starts new, every brand new day.

My life?

Its about being a servant. Not about being served.

Its about being humble, even at the risk of humiliation. Not about being righteous within myself.

Its about being Jesus' hands and feet. Not about what I want to do.

Its about taking a stand and being without shame. Not about being a silent witness.

Its about a fervant, quiet, faithful spirit. Not about immature zeal.

Its about Jesus. Not about me.


He's so real. I've never known Someone so real before. He's the ONE True thing that I know. All else falls, fades, fails. But He's forever. These past 7 weeks have been the most real weeks of my life. Its been painful. Its been memorable beCAUSE of the pain. Its been a stretch of my soul, yet as daily and simple as the stretch and snap of a rubberband. Thats how normal my life is.

AND YET.

And yet it has been the newest form of life I have ever known.

I don't know who loves me for real ... EXCEPT the One Real Thing I know. Jesus.

I don't know where I'll go after this ... EXCEPT that every morning, I get up, grab my Bible, get some coffee or tea, and head for the dining room table.

I don't know what promises still ring true or who'll still be around after the rubber meets the road ... But I DO know that Jesus is the ONE true thing in my life. He's what I'll rely on. He's all I need.

I have every reason to be here in this place again. Its just me and God, and I'm finally being transparent with myself. Yeah, I can be a brat. sure. But every day I'd rather not be. I'd rather be like Jesus. Actually, I can't get away from this awe-ful truth. I've made Him the center of all I do. Everything I do HAS to revolve around Him, because THATS what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I hate that I'm still dying to myself. The things I HATE doing, I do anyway, and the things I WANT to do, I WONT! I'm so afraid of change over and over again. I hate change.

I NEED change. There's no way around it.

God! I can be SO ugly inside!

I'm an emotional gypsy.

I'm a mental gypsy.

I AM a gypsy.

I don't belong anywhere, here on earth. I'm a reformed gypsy, really.

Instead of taking, I try to give. Instead of isolation out of prejudice, I STAND out because I'm not MEANT to fit in as a daughter of the most High.

I make do with what I have, and I'm pretty happy with it. A Creative Mind. A argumentative soul. One thats for ALL or nothing. Is black and white and yet sees the gray. On the ROCK I will stand, out in the rain. Painful, fearful, needful hands. Busy body beaten down to stillness by comand.

stillness.

silence.

I don't fear silence anymore.

I used to.

...still do sometimes.

I've been called fearless.

Are they serious?!

They must not notice my heart beating loudly within my chest.

They must not know that its a fearful thing to be CHOSEN to lead, not taking the lead.

I hide from leading, you know.

I'd much rather be in the backgrounds.

I'm scared to speak in front of believers about my Jesus. Yet I have no problem speaking to complete strangers about my passions.

Who is this weirdo I find I am?

Seriously?




And yet, I know it.

Here stands before a woman who is willing to stand; Begging for God to prepare her to let go of this world and hold on to the next.

Willing to be torn to peices for His name sake - scared to death that she could be, keeping her hearts declaration wordless - full of heart.



aaahhhg.



poetic maybe? or just a jumble of words.

yes.

a jumble of words that make up my life.

A Bout of Humor - Don't be a Fly, Boys.

some
"Invisible" lyrics
by: clay Aiken

Whatcha’ doin’ tonight
I wish I could be a fly on your wall
Are you really alone...
If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room...

I have a Bible verse for this [Ahem]

"All flying insects that creep on all fours shall be an abomination to you." Leviticus 11:20

The first time I heard Clay's song, I was a tad disturbed. Um... Ok... the guy wants to WATCH his prefered girl in HER ROOM?? Am I the only one who caught that as everyone else sang happily along with the new Hit Single played over and over again at the time? My thoughts summed up in one very distinct word and sound?!

"SICKO!"

OBVIOUSLY, God was talking about more then just the little annoying insects that make their way into our homes on a daily basis. Whether it was in context or not, God was writing to those girls out there who are considering whether they should let a guy who wants to be a fly on her wall with no hesitation to ideals of stalking, into her heart!!!


SO!


Sarah's Rule of Pointer NUMBRE UNO:

GUYS: DON'T be a creep.

Leviticus 11:41a - And every creeping thing that creeps...SHALL be an abomination

GIRLS: when you get tired of them, Under NO curcumstances should you tell them you wish you would, could, or you WILL eat them with either a smile or a scowl on your face!

Leviticus 11:41b - IT SHALL NOT BE EATEN.

Ergo Sarah Concludes: guys, don't be flies, and girls? Keep a fly-swatter in your room.


Signing off as she leaves her readers to hopeful cachinnation, farewell!

Ouch

you know, Lord?

This sucks.

I feel used, I feel invisible and I feel like just another girl.
It sucks that I feel that way.
Of course, I asked You to use me. I shouldn't be complaining!

me: "Lord!! Use me Use me Use me!!!!!!"
God: "Okay!"

later...

Me: "God!!! I feel so used!"
God: "But you said.."
Me: ".....I'm sorry, this just...I feel like I didn't even benifit from this. I feel like all it did was hurt me and give me a lesson learned."
God: "Sarah..."
Me: "Wait.. I know I'm so selfish. I SHOULDN'T sit here and tell you I didn't get anything out of this and complain. But God... .... and I don't WANT to complain, and I'll try NOT to, Jesus! Its just that... and I know I deserve a lot of what I get, but ... why me? Of all the people who.. I guess the question really is why NOT me? Lord, this hurts, I don't understand but I give this to you. I trust You, Lord. I do. Its just hard. Give me joy."
God: "Sarah, I love you, darling. I will be gentle. You are strong in Me. You'll see. You will dance. You will shout. You will bring glory. Just don't forget Me now. Press on. You'll see My will in due time, dear Child. I love you."

Sigh.

here I am

screwed up

beat up.

feeling hung out to dry.

I feel like an idiot.

I wear my heart on my sleave.

I give and give, and then cry and hurt when people throw it back.
I want to NOT give... but... I'm meant to.
and I screwed up.
maybe thats why this hurts more... because of my choices.
I didn't guard my heart.


sigh.

but its not broken.
and I'm not strong.

But God Is.


thats all the reason I need.

The Girl I Am...

I am the girl you'll first notice after the ... well.... 10th take.


I am the girl with the hefty laugh and the sunshine smile.

I am the girl who smiles with her eyes if she really smiles.

I am the girl who wish she liked sweats as much as jeans...but jeans are more comfortable.

I am the girl who will say she could care less about her hair, but spends 15 minutes blowdrying it because people say its pretty.

I am the girl who sits on her bed at night and contemplates her thoughts to God while stairing at her wall, but when seriously talking or listening, looks through the ceiling.

I am the girl who hides behind her grin well... but I am the girl who gives up trying to hide anything at all from those who care.

I am the girl who LOVES to rock out...but...

I am the girl who relates more to thoughtful music.

I am the girl who sees things colorful when everyone else see it gray, and I am the girl who sees things gray when everyone else sees them black and white.

I am a black and white kind of girl.

I am the girl whos first thought in the shower is, "Hey God..*pause* ... I love You too..."

I am the girl who writes letters to people who may never get them.

I am the girl who pours her soul out on paper.

I am short and perky, I suppose.

I am Blonde.

I am Wise because my Father in Heaven is Wise.

I am My Father's daughter...heh...

I am a friend of God.

I am a twinkling deep-blue-eyed soul.

I am Not always able to understand myself.

I am Understood by Jesus.

I am such a hopeful romantic that it drives my friends insane.

I am having a seriously hard time to typing out subtle lies about myself. But

I am More than just a conqueror.

I am screwed up without Jesus.

I am a cadillac girl.

I am a creative mind.

I am the kind of girl who loves more than she wishes to at times...but

I DO love, even when its hard.

I am a straight-up Jesus-girl.

I am saving my first kiss and my whole self for the man God has for me

I am struggling.

I am More than just a conqueror.

I am just as happy doing background work as I am in the front where everyone can see.

I am in love with the plan God has for my life.

I am in great desperation for God to keep me in my place.

I am the girl who feels rejected amidst admiring peers.

I am a loner in a lot of things

but

I am not afraid to point to God to share my heart.


I make so many mistakes, I could have a hard time living with myself.

but


I am NOT perfect.

I am the girl who cries over the memory of holding your hand.

I am the girl who gave up her childhood dream.

I know God will show me His dream for me.

I am the girl who cries with no tears.

I am the girl who writes songs about you that you'll never hear.

I am hurting.

I am dealing.

I am growing.

I am moving forward even though

I am the one who proposed the step back.

I love to talk to God out loud in my car.

I am not afraid to be real.

I am crazy, plain and simple.

I am fully convinced that you'd really go insane if you weren't crazy while living this life.

I am tired of feeling rejected.

but its okay.


I am turning 18 in a month.

I am becoming a woman I think I might become friends with.

I am so so so in love with my Savior, even when I have a difficult time to listen to HIM.

God, I'm so fricken screwed up.

God, "...thats okay."

I am a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor.

Who are you, Lord that you are mindful of me? Who are you Jesus, that you care for me?

God, "...I AM."


I am not...
God, "But I Am."

But I'm not...
God, "But I AM."

God, "You are beautiful, Dear One, because I AM.

You are more than just a conqueror because I AM.

You are My chosen child because I AM.

You are of royalty because I AM.

You are in Love with Me because I AM first in love with you.

You are hurting because I AM.

You are moving forward because I AM.

You gave up your dream, but I AM giving you the desires of your heart.

You love to rock out because I AM your Rock.

You are the girl with the hefty laugh and the sunshine smile because I AM your joy and I AM the Sonshine in your smile.

You have a twinkling deep-blue-eyed soul because I AM your breathe of life. You breathe My Spirit.

You are wise because I AM wise.

You are Loving because I AM Love.

You have my Heart because I AM not only in your heart, but you are in MY heart.

you are sensitive because I AM sensitive to all things.

You deal because I AM dealing with you.

You are real because, My dear Child, I AM REAL.

you are because I AM.

AND I AM YWHW. I AM that I AM.

and My Child... I AM in love with you."






And so...

I am His.