With it being so long since I've composed a substantial entry in this newly vamped blog of mine (yay!!) I figured it would be best to title it exactly what it would be about.
Starting with the last subject first, I'll begin with weddings!
A girlfriend once stated, "This is the weddingest summer of my life," which for her was last year.
I can't think of anything more appropriate to explain the kind of summer its been for me, this summer of 2012! Almost every weekend this month alone has either been a wedding that I'm in or should definitely go to, a shower or a bachelorette party and I think I may go insane! Not because its not fun but because I'm the kind of person who's tank gets filled back up by being alone. All of these events include people. Lots of people. People that I know and love, people that I'm merely acquainted with and people I just don't know. So its no surprise that I find myself freaking out (on the inside) that I don't feel like I have a moment to breathe! On the other hand, its definitely a precious time of sharing in the joy of some of my dearest sisters receiving a hearts desire, well waited for. I wouldn't take back a moment I've put in to help it all run smoother.
Interestingly enough I've been asked a few times how I've been doing in all of this. You know, the question that people ask in vagueness but really, they mean something super specific.
Just in case a translation is in order, I'll offer an example for what I mean.
"I've been meaning to ask you...how are you doing?"
translation:
"I've been meaning to ask you, how are you doing watching each of your girlfriends get married to the man of their dreams and it not being you, again?"
I guess it sounds a little harsh, but that's really the question that's being asked and it makes me chuckle that so much care is taken to daintily step around the real issue.
This answer TO this question actually leads me into my next 2 subjects (and just in case you're wondering, the quick answer to how I'm doing is: I'm fine. Really and truly!)
And the long answer is that God has been doing a deep work in me these past 2 months.
I'm not really sure what kind of season my heart as been in or how to describe it, honestly.
Its been dark, but its much more de-
light-ful than any other season I've been through.
Its the kind of season where in the beginning you face your own heart -dark, yucky and all and don't run or retract your gaze. Its hard to do because you have to come to terms with the ugliness inside, and for a girl who aches to be beautiful this is a hard lesson to learn.
Praise God for introducing my little uber-churched heart to sister Mercy who took me by the hand and sat with me as I faced my own heart bravely. She didn't say a word, she just offered her presence. And that alone encouraged me to keep my shoulders squared.
After a time I needed MORE encouragement because what I hadn't anticipated in this season was that not only was it a time for me to face my ugliness, it was also a time for me to face dreams and broken dreams, hopes and disappointments I had pushed deep down because of hurts, words and circumstances. Not only did I need to face the ugly, I needed to face what was beautiful and broken too. I don't know about you, but I just never realized how afraid I was to accept myself, emotions and all. Here is where I met sister Grace. She took my other hand.
I'm an analyst by nature. I over analyze EVERYthing. "Stop thinking so much!" is something I've heard more times than I can count by more people than just my mother.
What can I say? I like to know how people work and consequently that means I have an obsession for knowing how
I work too. The problem however is that I would stuff my emotions down so that I wouldn't be irrational. I'm used to relying on what I think rather than what I feel. But I've learned that in order to think clearly about myself, I need to be allowed to BE myself and not let my heart condemn me when my feelings decide they'd like to have a say.
Problem with this (to many people, not to myself) is that I'm a passionate person.
I feel and I feel strongly.
Nobody has to tell me that they're overwhelmed by my zeal. It overwhelms ME too. Well okay, not the zeal part.
I'm more overwhelmed by the fear that nobody would delight in my heart because all they see is big emotion and wont dig further.
But this isn't abnormal for me, this kind of feeling or situation.
Whats NEW is that I'm not apologizing for my feelings anymore. I'm not afraid of them either. And I'm not afraid of what will happen to me if I allow myself the right to feel every last emotion that a thing would trigger in me.
Why?
Because God made me an emotional person. Its a picture of a soft heart, looking into the life of someone who is willing to be fully human with emotions, deep thinking, mess and all that it entails.
I make no apologies. I'm dark. I've seen my heart. I'm thoroughly convinced I haven't an inch of good in me.
The thing is though - apparently all the yuckagunk in my heart is perfect soil for things to grow, especially if its allowed to be tilled and worked on.
Seeds of hope have been planted by the Lord Himself into my heart and now, little plants are beginning to poke through. Not quite bloomed or anything, but the roots at least are deeply laced within my soul and they draw their life from the well of faith deep inside.
I was meant to bring forth life as a woman. This doesn't mean children are the only thing to give birth to.
Letting God work with my filth to make something absolutely stunning come out of this mess is what I'm getting at here.
My guns are down.
I've been wrestling the Lord a lot in working out this process of trust - true trust.
And you know? Something I hadn't bargained for is that He's showing me how beautiful the heart of a woman really is, in light of the glory of God.
I've always viewed my heart as a bothersome contraption which longs for things that aren't realistic - even when I was overly hopeful for romance as a young teenager. God views my feminine heart as a garden - a place where He longs to come and walk with me in.
And if I really think about it, I truly desire to offer my heart's hospitality, even though I've hidden it away for so long.
I'm beginning to really believe God's heart for women is to be radiant.
We were meant to be beautiful from the inside out.
And not to say that every man will be attracted to every woman but - men see it. Especially men who love Jesus - a woman who offers her strength and beauty within the context of her femininity stirs a man to BE a man - and a Godly one at that.
Humility
reverence
hope
receiving love
acceptance
giggling
enjoying - each of these are being worked into my heart to teach me that I don't need to clamor all the time or beat myself up for for actually living.
I was made to be at rest with myself.
And out of that, I'm able to invite others to do the same in my presence as a welcoming personality.
I truly desire to love people well.
How can I do that when I don't allow God to show me what He loves about me so much?
I'm starting to feel beautiful in ways I never imagined possible.
I'm proud to be a woman because God has made me such.
I'm excited for the plan He has for me, in so putting on His love as my heart's clothing.
I'm excited because simply put: too many people fit themselves into a mold that is cookie-cutter-christianesque because that's what they're told it is to be a good Christian.
But you know what? My first priority is not to be a good Christian. In fact, thats not how I even want to be perceived. I want to be a fully alive woman who lives by Grace, walks by Faith and has Beauty in her sights. I want to be known as a woman who is well loved by God. I want to be known as one who loves Him more than life - and definitely needs Him.
If I can be THIS kind of woman, I can invite others to be this kind of person too.
That is beautiful to me - inviting people into the Kingdom of God in this way.
This is my heart.
Ah. This is the heart of God.
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