A Modest Heart: The Truth About Women, Dressing and Modesty

“Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments, but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness.”  1 Timothy 2:9-10

“Your adornment must not be merely external – braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which in God’s sight is very precious.”  1 Peter 3:3-4

Hello dear readers!

Today I will be writing about a subject I've become passionate about over the past year: modesty, beauty and a woman’s heart.

Before I go further, I'd like to make it very clear that this post is meant for introspection.  I've had some question if I mean that we can judge where women's hearts are by what they wear.  I do not believe this at all.  Each woman is different and we cannot judge what we see because we do not see as God sees.  This post is meant to turn the focus on to our own hearts before the Lord and to suggest outward expression of an established inward truth. 

If any of you follow me on Twitter, Instagram or even Facebook, you have probably noticed my outfit-of-the-day collages and my excited notations on color-mixes and patterns and designs.  I LOVE coming up with new ways to wear the old things with the new things and being sneaky about wearing the SAME things two days in a row.  It’s like sharing a new discovery!  AND - Its inspiration!  I’ve decided that part of my calling as a woman of God is to be a well dressed one. I am called to be a woman who by wearing her heart on her sleeve can invite others into a new realm of God’s glory by sharing her feminine beauty and creativity.

 I’ve read many a blog and heard many a talk about the subject of modesty as a churched girl.  What I’ve found interesting is that I’ve never heard it spoken of with quite the perspective I’m about share.

To start off, let me offer my definition for The Christian Modesty Rule.

The Christian Modesty Rule:  an unwritten (or maybe written) set of expectations and standards for what is appropriate to wear and not to wear both inside church and (apparently) outside of the church as well.

I will start by sharing a story of the first time I violated said rule.

My first experience with accidentally breaking the “Christian Modesty rule” was when I was eleven or twelve.  I was walking up to my friends' house wearing a thick spaghetti strap tank top. Their mother met me at the side walk and informed me that no decent girl should ever wear such things around boys, much less her boys and that it was very immodest of me to show up looking the way I did.

For the first time that I can ever remember, I was aware of myself and felt ashamed of my femininity. I had actually liked the shirt and felt proud to be a girl when I wore it because you see, I was quite a tomboy and my mother was always trying to help me get in touch with my girly side.  I look back and now see that during my "training bra" years I was embarrassed of my changing body and was quite self conscious of it all.  This insecurity would also remain throughout my teenage years.  This mother didn't know that I hated my body.  She didn't know that it would take begging God to help me not hate myself every time I looked in the mirror only a few years later. 

As I moved through my preteens and teen years, I was exposed to books and youth group seminars and “girl talks" sharing how girls should guard their brothers’ eyes.  The toe-touch and the arm reach rules, the finger tip rule and the “sitting in front of a mirror” tests were offered to teach girls how to know what was appropriate to walk out of the house in.

And while all these things are valuable tools and guidelines for women to follow on a practical scale, I am now surprised looking back, at the lack of Biblical truth applied to it all.  I don’t ever remember hearing a scripture that explained why we were going to such lengths to guard our brothers’ eyes from temptation.

And this has bothered me some as there actually isscripture referencing modesty. Now from personal experience, I also know people who take those scriptures to extremes and who's beliefs come up just shy of the conservative views of Amish and Mennonite communities.  I myself hope to have a more leveled view to share today.
But first:  another story.

My second experience with shame in regards to clothing I wore as a teenager was the day I decided to wear pink for the first time since I began to pick my own outfits.  I was sweet sixteen and had scored some powder-pink pumps from an older petite lady.  I needed new clothes so my mom took me out shopping. She splurged on me a little which landed me a cute all-pink plaid pencil skirt and a matching pink cardigan sweater.  It was a major leap from what I normally wore, but with a little coaxing from my mother, I decided Iwas ready.  I wanted to express my femininity and she felt it was worth investing in. (Thank you, Mom. :)  And though I was a little self conscious, I risked.  I’m not sure how it happened,but I got mixed signals that Sunday morning on the debut of my new outfit.  I had a few women tell me how pretty I looked, but then some of my friends snickered at my “attempts” to be“girly”.  
 “Whooaaah Sarah! That’s a little too much pink, don’t you think?”  
 “Sarah, you’re turning pink over there! … Hey look, she’s blushing!  She’s even more pink! Now she’s red!”

 I’m not sure I ever wore that particular all-pink outfit again.

Maybe I was too sensitive. But I’m not afraid to say that what I needed people to see was my attempt to express what was really in my heart.

A girlfriend told me not too long ago that she noticed I only wore lots of pink when I was allowing my heart to be romanced.  I also notice that in the past when I felt unseen,I dressed with less care and the truth is – I didn’t care... but not because it was a good thing.  I dressed the way I viewed myself.

Not to say that a day or two spent in sweat pants and hoodies is wrong! Every woman should feel comfortable and comfy.  Every woman should be allowed a down day! But I'm talking about an over-all attitude a woman might have in dressing herself every day.

Now you’ve heard the saying, "we dress to impress”.

But (not to generalize all women, but I am about to make a pretty all-encompassing statement here) the truth is absolutely this:

Women dress toexpress.

If a woman dresses to get sexual attention, chances are she views herself as a piece of meat whether she realizes it or not.

If she’s a young woman or a teenage girl and her only understanding of beauty is from the magazines, you better believe she’s going to strut her stuff the way the magazines show her.

Likewise, if a woman dresses in clothing two sizes too big all the time or wears clothes my grandma would shop for (and not in a vintage kind of way, ladies) she’s expressing the way she views herself. No woman has to exchange "cute and flattering" for "comfy and frumpy".  No woman should have to be ashamed of her body and cover up by hiding behind access clothing on a daily basis. That expresses to others that she doesn't view herself as desirable or attractive. Whether you feel confident in the way you present yourself or whether you are on one end of the pendulum or the other, one thing rings true: a woman expresses her heart in everything she does whether she knows it or not.

There's always a story behind the makeup.  I think some of us can forget this in the church. 
I'm repeatedly surprised by the immediate judgement I hear from people.
"Ooh... she's ugly."
"Ooh...what is she trying to prove?  Do you SEE what she's wearing?"

Whoa!  Ladies!  Where's the grace?

**Disclaimer - there is from time to time women who make their way into churches who are indeed predators. There is a seductive spirit in them that is unhealthy for an entire church.  Discernment and care should be given to such situations and measures should be taken from church staff and counsel. My post is not addressing this situation particularly.

Now, I understand how as a mother, wife, or sister we are jealous for purity in our Christian men.
However.  Modesty is a heart issue first and foremost.  Just like "being good" doesn't make you a Christian, neither does "dressing appropriately" make a woman modest.

 It’s like taking a new believer and telling him he needs to start acting like a Christian to be a Christian. If we could correlate the judgmental spirit I see into the equation, it would be like telling a brand new convert with NO knowledge whatsoever that we're sickened by all the sin still stuck in his life and to stay away from us until he gets clean because we don't want to get dirty.  Guess what: Jesus doesn't work that way, neither should we.  The ickyness of that judgment is no better than the yuck in that convert's life.  So is it with modesty. Modesty doesn’t start with clothing.  Modesty is a heart attitude that permeates a woman's life in all areas. My theory is that the way clothing is worn is just a by-product of what’s going on in awoman’s heart.

A woman learning what true modesty looks like is like a new convert who needs discipleship and mature Christians to start him off in living a life that follows Jesus.

It is through discipleship of other Godly women (shout out to Titus 2) and by allowing her heart to be truly loved by the Holy Spirit,herself and others that she will learn how to express the movement and the growth of her heart in what she wears and how she acts.

When she allows her heart to be loved by Jesus, she is allowing His humble, gentle Spirit in to quietly guide her heart in the way that is right and proper and Godly.

Modesty noun:

1.      Freedom from conceit or vanity

2.      Propriety in dress, speech or conduct. –Merriam-Webster Dictionary

I did some research on the two scripture references listed above in the beginning of my post and it turns out that both the first letter to Timothy AND the first letter of Peter were written to churches in Rome.

Reading up a little in my MacArthur Study Bible, I confirmed that the women in these particular churches wore suchaccess that it became a distraction during the worship services. The distractionsweren’t just outward in the way they dressed however. These women were distracting in their actions as well.  Dressing and acting in sensual manners coupled with blatant disrespect for their husbands as well as church leadership became such a problem that it got back to the "higher ups".  It seems that some women were exploring the demonic side of sexual power – and both Peter and Paul had need to address this situation.  

Now you might think I’m being a little strong here, but if there is anything I know about Satanit’s this: Whatever is all-encompassing of the Father of Lights, Satan will be the direct opposite.  God the Father is pure in all things – Satan, father of lies is lust in all things.  Dark views of sexuality will never be a light matter to me, and it wasn’t a light matter to the early church leaders either.

Both Paul and Peter were actually admonishing the Christian women of Rome to be more focused on beautifying their hearts in a way that was pure and set apart rather than  presenting their bodies in a way that was sensual and distracting.

In both sections of scripture digging further, these Christian leaders actually speak about the women’s relationships with their husbands and their impact in those relationships as well as their relationship with the church at large.  It seems to me that by the way Paul and Peter explained, women would have more spiritual impact the way they desired, the less they clamored for power and attention. 
What does this have to do with modesty?  Propriety.  Ladies, no one needs to tell us that being a lady is more proper than being a seductress in public.  (Keep that tiger for the marriage bed where she belongs!)

On a more materialistic level, neither leader was saying that a woman shouldn’t dress attractively. But both were saying that instead of outer accessories being their focal point, their heart accessories were more important to focus on.   Pearls and braids and gold and expensive clothes can’t dress up a heart.  How many of us know that accessories don’t make a woman classy?  But how many know that a woman with class will never dress or act like trash. That’s because a classy woman is a woman who is comfortable with her femininity.  Peter said that the undying beauty of a woman is a heart that is gentle and restful. She has a heart that doesn’t clamor to be – it just quietly IS.  Paul said that good works will show the beauty of a woman – not because of the works themselves, but because of the heart she does them in.

On the flip side of what the Roman church was dealing with when it came to their women, 
there are women in the church who believe that if they dress attractively, they will cause their fellow brothers to stumble.

I have quick word for this:

Unless a man has made a covenant with his eyes to not look upon any woman lustfully as Job did in the Old Testament, he could lust after a woman dressed in a potato sack - it wouldn’t matter.  It is time to shift the responsibility back to equal proportions.  Women are not at fault for a man’s issue with sexual lust. Men need to take responsibility for their double takes and their wandering thoughts.

Women likewise, as they practice having soft, loving heart swill learn and desire to properly care for their husbands, brothers and sons in a way that reveals what true and lovely femininity is without exposing themselves in ways that draw dark attentions.  This ability to reflect the glory of God in an open and transparent way is one of the most adorable attributes in a woman whether she's 5 or 95.

My own journey to understanding God’s heart for femininity has brought me to the joy of outwardly expressing the heart of the artist from within!  For me, that means every morning I'm delighted with the prospect that my body is a blank canvas - a world of opportunity just waiting to be tapped into.  Maybe for you however,creativity doesn’t run in your veins the same way. Do you remember that dress or color that always catches your eye?  Remember how when you wear it, you feel beautiful?  If you feel I'm speaking to you, its because I am. And I dare you to wear that color or put on that dress. Why?  Because faith is acting upon something thatisn’t seen yet.  You might not feel or believe you're attractive or beautiful yet - but I give you permission to choose that color that doesn't "make sense" with the rest of your wardrobe.  You know you love it better than the brown or black you feel like you should get.  And I know you'll wear it more than the brown or black one too. ;)

Let me offer little perspective here with a short story before I close.

About 2 years ago  one of our church campuses had a guest pastor come in to speak from a church in a neighboring city.  He brought his wife and a few others – all women who were well-dressed and stunning. Their eyes sparkled and they were so warm and friendly that a thought occurred to me:  It could be a ministry in and of itself for any woman in the church (or outside the church building) to be attractively dressed and not just in clothing and accessories.  A woman who is at rest with her feminine sexuality before God can offer an open door to the gentle teachings of grace and quiet, peaceful love the same way a door was opened to her by others.
All that she wears then can become an expression of her heart attitude.
It is in wearing these heavenly adornments she has an opportunity to present a welcoming invitation for other women to dare to see and express their own hearts in the same way.  
She welcomes them to learn that a woman's heart is meant to be filled with God's loving view of them.
She welcomes them to come into the knowledge that a woman who knows her identity in Christ is a woman who is unwavering in her class.
She teaches by her conduct that a woman with true class is indeed a woman with a modest heart.
 

Note: if you'd like to read a man's thoughts to men about modesty, check out 
Modesty and the Male Privilege by a friendly blogger named Luke!  I definitely recommend!