A Modest Heart: The Truth About Women, Dressing and Modesty

“Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments, but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness.”  1 Timothy 2:9-10

“Your adornment must not be merely external – braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which in God’s sight is very precious.”  1 Peter 3:3-4

Hello dear readers!

Today I will be writing about a subject I've become passionate about over the past year: modesty, beauty and a woman’s heart.

Before I go further, I'd like to make it very clear that this post is meant for introspection.  I've had some question if I mean that we can judge where women's hearts are by what they wear.  I do not believe this at all.  Each woman is different and we cannot judge what we see because we do not see as God sees.  This post is meant to turn the focus on to our own hearts before the Lord and to suggest outward expression of an established inward truth. 

If any of you follow me on Twitter, Instagram or even Facebook, you have probably noticed my outfit-of-the-day collages and my excited notations on color-mixes and patterns and designs.  I LOVE coming up with new ways to wear the old things with the new things and being sneaky about wearing the SAME things two days in a row.  It’s like sharing a new discovery!  AND - Its inspiration!  I’ve decided that part of my calling as a woman of God is to be a well dressed one. I am called to be a woman who by wearing her heart on her sleeve can invite others into a new realm of God’s glory by sharing her feminine beauty and creativity.

 I’ve read many a blog and heard many a talk about the subject of modesty as a churched girl.  What I’ve found interesting is that I’ve never heard it spoken of with quite the perspective I’m about share.

To start off, let me offer my definition for The Christian Modesty Rule.

The Christian Modesty Rule:  an unwritten (or maybe written) set of expectations and standards for what is appropriate to wear and not to wear both inside church and (apparently) outside of the church as well.

I will start by sharing a story of the first time I violated said rule.

A Heart of Rest

Rest.

  Have you ever met anyone who was entirely chill with themselves?
You know, the kind of person who you instantly trust.  They don't have any fire walls or reservations.  You know without a lick of doubt that who they are in front of you is who they are.  There is nothing to prove.  There's no need to prove it if there was.  They may not even know themselves fully (then again, can you ever, really?) but they're okay with that because to the extent that they do know themselves, they are at rest with it.
  This idea of being "at rest" becomes more distinct if we add a new factor to the mix; Sex.

Sex: the differences between whether that person is male or female.
Suddenly, it becomes a little more personal.  A man who is at rest within himself reflects the glory of true masculinity.  Likewise, a woman at rest with herself mirrors the truest forms of femininity.  And, clearly a person at peace with who they are is considered beautiful, even within society's standards.  Not for any outward reason, of course.  But for the very fact that who they are draws forth who we dream -  even long to be.  You don't just want to be a man, you want to be a picture of masculinity with purpose and vision attached to it.  You want to be someone worth following.  I as a woman don't just want to be girly, (or NOT girly, for some) I long to be accepted within all the attributes of my feminine being.  Neither sex desires to be shamed for what they desire to be.

hearts are pounding.

She's on to something.

  Now add God into this bag of stirring thoughts.
No, no.  Not the God you think I'm talking about.  Get your version or your perceived idea of who God is out of your head.  He's bigger than your mind.  He's bigger than mine.  We think we've got HIM down?
He's got all men, all women, all children - every heart, every hair, every thought - from the beginning of time until its end - memorized and He calls each person by name.  People are always telling God who He is. Those who say they're His, those who say they're not.  All of the people in between.  But only He would know.  And how could we ever?  We're like a breath and we're like a vapor.  We're here and then gone just as quick as we inhale and exhale.
  Yet...
not only does this God take the constant scrutiny and speculation of people who lack experience of truly knowing Him fully, (and that counts for those of us who're working on a lifetime of knowledge) and not only can our accusations of His character not effect who He knows and shows Himself to be, (Um hey.  One of His names is the Prince of Peace.  Eh?)  He also takes care in fashioning us in a way that makes us long for something beyond ourselves.

Nothing material.

Just simple.

Rest.  Peace.  Trust.  Child-like and worry-freedness.
"Those were the days," some of us reminisce.
"Oh, to be young again," some of us even say.

Its a familiar ache inside our worn and battered hearts that never quite goes away.

  I've been pondering this thought for over a month now.
I'm 23.  I'm young enough that I've "still got time", but old enough to know that my time is quickly flying by, (or is that me?)  If I'm wise enough, I would also know that time is too heavy of a responsibility and it isn't mine to hold; AND that I shouldn't waste it, especially if it isn't mine.
If I know the word of God, I know THE time is drawing near and IS here and that one hesitation of living in it fully (disobedience, ultimately) could reroute me into taking the longer way OR could result in me living a life lesser than God's best for me.
What is God's best for me?
Knowing mercy.
Walking in grace.
Knowing true Love and real kindness.
Living an abundant life.
Knowledge of my identity in Him.
Rest.
Peace.
Walking by faith.
Partnering with Him in His glorious plan to restore whole beauty to the earth, starting with these stubborn creations of His called humans.
Yet He calls them to be a people after His own heart.

I call humanity stubborn because they know the stories yet they refuse the truth.  They refuse the truth because its too good to be true.  Things that are too good to be true are rendered as fairy tales.
Yes.
Fairy tales.
And fairy tales? 
Those are for children.

 But isn't it the children we are jealous of, what with their free-spirits and child-like faith that everything will turn out okay?

Notice I didn't use  the word "envy".  For envy is something that isn't ours that we wish we had.
"Jealousy" on the other hand is something that SHOULD be ours, and isn't at the moment.

Thus says the LORD: "Stand by the roads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls. But they said, 'We will not walk in it.' -Jeremiah 6:16

Stubborn, that is what we are.  I imagine humanity as a 13 year old teenager who, no matter what the parent says, will indeed choose the opposing side - even if what the parent is saying is entirely right and beneficial and could EVEN possibly appeal to the youngster.
Its the nature of the beast.  We want what we want.  And we naturally don't want God.
Naturally.  Supernaturally on the other hand means its a miracle - and that's where salvation comes into play.

  At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will.   All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.   Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  - Matthew 11:25-30 (emphasis added)

So we know that we can only know the Father IF Jesus decides to reveal Him.  How does this tie into rest?  What IS that?  Well. Jesus says to learn from Him because He is gentle and lowly in heart.
 FYI, there is no one so low that Jesus cannot serve.  And, He's gentle with OUR hearts, because He's lowly in His. Jesus ALSO said in John 14:9 that whoever has seen Jesus has seen the Father. Oh.  So that means that God the Father is  gentle and lowly in heart too.

 For me, rest for my soul means - knowing who I am, being at peace with it and being free to just... be me.  -Free from the weight of time, free from worrying about what I will wear, what I will eat, what I will drink, where I will live.... and actually dreaming big again.  And:  not only dreaming big, but WITH GOD'S help, LIVING the dream I was meant for.  HIS dream for me.  Does this mean I stop my 9-5 day job? Maybe not.  But maybe yes.  Does this mean I let go of my adult responsibilities?  No.  I believe we're to be people of excellence.  But this MAY mean I stop taking responsibility for other people's lives and just start really living my own.

When I focus on trying to do this myself, I am filled with stress and anxiety.  I overload and overwhelm myself with the responsibility of "finding myself."

BUT:  there is another way. The better way. And in fact, its the only way that isn't generic or counterfeit.

Dear friends, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when He appears we shall be like Him, because we shall see Him as He is. -1 John 3:2 (emphasis added)

This scripture shows us 2 truths.  The first is that at the point of Christ's return, we will see who He is fully, and we shall reflect HIS beauty fully the way the Holy Spirit has been faithfully preparing us to do since we first believed.
The second is this; to the extent that we know Jesus and see His heart, we are able to know ourselves and our identity in Him because we are made to reflect His beauty.

So:  WHEN I focus on myself and try desperately to know who I am apart from God, I only cause more turmoil in my life.  I make it hard for myself.  AND, even the end result is but a shadow - not even a reflection - of what I could know about myself.

But if I focus on Jesus - if I become a student of His heart - not even just of His words - I can know the God of the Bible.  I can know the WHOLE story of His wrath on evil, His heart of mercy and His desire to show grace to those who seek it.  If I dare to know this massive heart of His for our very obstinate human race, and even may I venture to say His heart for a little soul like me, it is very likely that not only will my unmet needs for feeling "special" and "picked first" (within the vast population) be met, I may also begin to believe that I in fact was meant to grow forth into greatness and radiance.  I was meant for such a time as this.

And so are you.

All of sudden - this 23 year old heart holding with tender sentiment all those fairy tales deep inside, is beginning to LIVE the fairy tale, instead of just dreaming about it.  Not because I have a man in my life.  Not because I have the dream job or the dream lifestyle.  Not because of ANYthing material.

I'm living the fairy tale because I'm being transformed from a pauper to a prince by love.
I'm the Cinderella the prince scours the kingdom for.
I'm the Sleeping Beauty who was fought for and loved back to life.
I'm the Little Mermaid who has a winning heart even without her song.
I'm the Jasmine who can stare down the face of evil and speak her heart, mind and truth in boldness.
I'm the Belle who finds a heart of gold in the brutes and beasts when everyone else holds their pitchforks and guns.
I'm the Marian who's spirit burns with adventure for humility, mercy and justice and loves the outcast's heart.
I was made Snow White and called the fairest among maidens even though I am dark.

Those are my stories.

What are yours?

Who are you?

Why settle?

Why settle at all?

The Beauty of Femanitity, Hope and The Wedding Summer

With it being so long since I've composed a substantial entry in this newly vamped blog of mine (yay!!) I figured it would be best to title it exactly what it would be about.


Starting with the last subject first, I'll begin with weddings! 
 A girlfriend once stated, "This is the weddingest summer of my life," which for her was last year.
I can't think of anything more appropriate to explain the kind of summer its been for me, this summer of 2012!  Almost every weekend this month alone has either been a wedding that I'm in or should definitely go to, a shower or a bachelorette party and I think I may go insane!  Not because its not fun but because I'm the kind of person who's tank gets filled back up by being alone.  All of these events include people.  Lots of people.  People that I know and love, people that I'm merely acquainted with and people I just don't know. So its no surprise that I find myself freaking out (on the inside) that I don't feel like I have a moment to breathe!  On the other hand, its definitely a precious time of sharing in the joy of some of my dearest sisters receiving a hearts desire, well waited for.  I wouldn't take back a moment I've put in to help it all run smoother.

Interestingly enough I've been asked a few times how I've been doing in all of this.  You know, the question that people ask in vagueness but really, they mean something super specific.
Just in case a translation is in order, I'll offer an example for what I mean.

"I've been meaning to ask you...how are you doing?"
translation:
"I've been meaning to ask you, how are you doing watching each of your girlfriends get married to the man of their dreams and it not being you, again?"

I guess it sounds a little harsh, but that's really the question that's being asked and it makes me chuckle that so much care is taken to daintily step around the real issue.

This answer  TO this question actually leads me into my next 2 subjects (and just in case you're wondering, the quick answer to how I'm doing is:  I'm fine.  Really and truly!)
And the long answer is that God has been doing a deep work in me these past 2 months.

I'm not really sure what kind of season my heart as been in or how to describe it, honestly.
Its been dark, but its much more de-light-ful than any other season I've been through.
Its the kind of season where in the beginning you face your own heart -dark, yucky and all and don't run or retract your gaze.  Its hard to do because you have to come to terms with the ugliness inside, and for a girl who aches to be beautiful this is a hard lesson to learn.
Praise God for introducing my little uber-churched heart to sister Mercy who took me by the hand and sat with me as I faced my own heart bravely.  She didn't say a word, she just offered her presence.  And that alone encouraged me to keep my shoulders squared.
After a time I needed MORE encouragement because what I hadn't anticipated in this season was that not only was it a time for me to face my ugliness, it was also a time for me to face dreams and broken dreams, hopes and disappointments I had pushed deep down because of hurts, words and circumstances. Not only did I need to face the ugly, I needed to face what was beautiful and broken too.  I don't know about you, but I just never realized how afraid I was to accept myself, emotions and all.  Here is where I met sister Grace.  She took my other hand. 

I'm an analyst by nature.  I over analyze EVERYthing.  "Stop thinking so much!" is something I've heard more times than I can count by more people than just my mother.
What can I say?  I like to know how people work and consequently that means I have an obsession for knowing how I work too. The problem however is that I would stuff my emotions down so that I wouldn't be irrational. I'm used to relying on what I think rather than what I feel.  But I've learned that in order to think clearly about myself, I need to be allowed to BE myself and not let my heart condemn me when my feelings decide they'd like to have a say.
Problem with this (to many people, not to myself) is that I'm a passionate person.
I feel and I feel strongly.
Nobody has to tell me that they're overwhelmed by my zeal.  It overwhelms ME too.  Well okay, not the zeal part. 
I'm more overwhelmed by the fear that nobody would delight in my heart because all they see is big emotion and wont dig further.
But this isn't abnormal for me, this kind of feeling or situation.

Whats NEW is that I'm not apologizing for my feelings anymore.  I'm not afraid of them either.  And I'm not afraid of what will happen to me if I allow myself  the right to feel every last emotion that a thing would trigger in me.
Why?
Because God made me an emotional person.  Its a picture of a soft heart, looking into the life of someone who is willing to be fully human with emotions, deep thinking, mess and all that it entails. 

I make no apologies.  I'm dark.  I've seen my heart.  I'm thoroughly convinced I haven't an inch of good in me.

The thing is though - apparently all the yuckagunk in my heart is perfect soil for things to grow, especially if its allowed to be tilled and worked on.
Seeds of hope have been planted by the Lord Himself into my heart and now, little plants are beginning to poke through.  Not quite bloomed or anything, but the roots at least are deeply laced within my soul and they draw their life from the well of faith deep inside.

I was meant to bring forth life as a woman.  This doesn't mean children are the only thing to give birth to.
Letting God work with my filth to make something absolutely stunning come out of this mess is what I'm getting at here.

My guns are down.
I've been wrestling the Lord a lot in working out this process of trust - true trust.
And you know?  Something I hadn't bargained for is that He's showing me how beautiful the heart of a woman really is, in light of the glory of God.
I've always viewed my heart as a bothersome contraption which longs for things that aren't realistic - even when I was overly hopeful for romance as a young teenager.   God views my feminine heart as a garden - a place where He longs to come and walk with me in.
And if I really think about it, I truly desire to offer my heart's hospitality, even though I've hidden it away for so long.
I'm beginning to really believe God's heart for women is to be radiant.
We were meant to be beautiful from the inside out.
And not to say that every man will be attracted to every woman but - men see it.  Especially men who love Jesus - a woman who offers her strength and beauty within the context of her femininity stirs a man to BE a man - and a Godly one at that.
Humility
reverence
hope
receiving love
acceptance
giggling
enjoying - each of these are being worked into my heart to teach me that I don't need to clamor all the time or beat myself up for for actually living.
I was made to be at rest with myself.
And out of that, I'm able to invite others to do the same in my presence as a welcoming personality. 
I truly desire to love people well.
How can I do that when I don't allow God to show me what He loves about me so much?

I'm starting to feel beautiful in ways I never imagined possible.
I'm proud to be a woman because God has made me such.
I'm excited for the plan He has for me, in so putting on His love as my heart's clothing.

I'm excited because simply put:  too many people fit themselves into a mold that is cookie-cutter-christianesque because that's what they're told  it is to be a good Christian.
But you know what?  My first priority is not to be a good Christian.  In fact, thats not how I even want to be perceived.   I want to be a fully alive woman who lives by Grace, walks by Faith and has Beauty in her sights.  I want to be known as a woman who is well loved by God.  I want to be known as one who loves Him more than life - and definitely needs Him.
 If I can be THIS kind of woman, I can invite others to be this kind of person too.

That is beautiful to me - inviting people into the Kingdom of God in this way.
This is my heart.
Ah.  This is the heart of God.

Oh Lovely Spring

On my way home from work this morning at a bright and early 7:30, I found myself driving into the early morning sun.
Still chilly enough to see my breath, there's just something about a spring morning and watching the sun rise.

I drive by nearly 20 ponds before I actually pull into my driveway and what I encountered on my way was nothing less than spectacular!

Cold sunbeams shooting through the budding trees, glowing frost coating overgrown, green grass, and a draping mist hovering in mid air over every pond I passed made my drive back like I had entered into a dewy silhouette of a dream.

Spring is not my favorite time of the year, but God is challenging me to take a look again, and allow each season to be my favorite season as they come.  I have a hard time with this, as this idea parallels the spiritual seasons of my life.
I like my FAVORITE seasons, and THATS IT.  But in this new idea, my heart is awakening as though I had been asleep, and I'm beginning to recognize the beauty of the now.

I feel like the season I'm in is the rainy part of spring.  It just keeps raining and raining and raining.  And just like Cleveland, right when you think the sun is going to STAY out, it rains again.  And I always think , "we should know this by now... its still spring, its still going to keep raining.  Its useless hoping for anything other than what this season brings."
Coincidentally, that is the response of my own heart towards the place that I'm in right now.
But this morning God showed me something new.
Rain gives birth to life.
The beauty of Spring is that after the rain comes, a miraculous thing happens - what was still and dormant has suddenly blossomed into vibrant life.
The romance and the mystery that the sun illuminated in my tiny corner of the world this morning spoke volumes to my heart today as the Sonshine in my own life begins to reveal what, (in His time) overnight, would create a lovely view for everyone else to see as He warms up the places that must be frozen for a time.

What a truly blissful thought.  :)

- Sarah

It should be a costly thing - a woman's heart....

Though some of the perspective of this poem is not necessarely applicable, still, the real essense behind it is the confidence of a truly beautiful woman who requires a man who pursues her to be a man of God - and also, one who sees the value of her heart.

"An excellent (or virtuous) wife, who can find? Her worth is far above jewels." -Proverbs 31:10

As I am determined to be such a woman, I do agree with the heart of the poem, as well as enjoy how it is read.

Be blessed,

Sarah

A WOMAN'S QUESTION
Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life--
And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be as true as God's stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts---
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as he did on the first
And say: "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then, 'mid the falling leaves
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.
Lena Lathrop

Stirring, Stirring... You See Bones?

I see an Army.





So I spent a little time at the House of Prayer tonight and God just began stirring in me something I don't quite understand and yet absolutely understand.

First thing is - The mountain of God.

I'm not sure all that it will entail, but I want to know all about this mountain that the Lord wants His people to dwell on.

I'm excited because God is opening something up to me and I don't know what it is, but it all started with a phrase, and then a poem.

And, come to think of it, the phrase was birthed on a hillside.

I know there's significance.

Just gotta find out all that there is.


BUT! Tonight! Tonight I began to read the first part of Ezekiel 37, which caught my attention and the Lord began to show me things that I believe have much - MUCH! to do with Cleveland.

The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"
I said, "O Sovereign LORD, you alone know."
Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.' "

So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.' " So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

Then he said to me: "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.' Therefore prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.' "

And as we prayed for the leaders and pastors of Cleveland, The Lord had already put on my heart the need to pray for the future leaders and pastors of Cleveland. And He led me to this scripture.

And as I read it through, the Lord began to speak to me exactly as He had spoken to Ezekiel, and I began to realize that, indeed, He was making a point in His very speaking to me: WE are the future leaders and pastors of Cleveland. WE are called. WE need to step up. WE need to prophecy to the dry bones and the helplessness of the valley by the water. HERE. In Cleveland, we are called to have the faith of Ezekiel, the Spirit of Elijah and the very breathe and anointed of the Spirit of the Lord within us.

I believe that Cleveland is an army waiting to happen.
I believe that Ezekiel was pretty average.
I believe that Jesus changes everything.

And, I believe that because of these 3 things, and because of who I am - who WE are in the Lord, that it qualifies us to speak and prophecy to the dryness of the Cleveland Church at large, the hopelessness of the lost at large and to be the very example of the goodness of a loving God to a dying culture.

Hah.

I don't even know what else to say right now.

Oh! Except I'll bring in the part about the mountains again:
The mountain of the Lord is the place that He has for His people - a "resting" place.
But there is one verse that I cannot help but be drawn to.

How beautiful on the mountains
are the feet of those who bring good news,
who proclaim peace,
who bring good tidings,
who proclaim salvation,
who say to Zion,
"Your God reigns!" -Isaiah 52:7


Ha! And in Isaiah 40, after calling out how all flesh is grass and how the Word of the Lord endures forever, The verse after says,
You who bring good tidings to Zion,
go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem, [c]
lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
say to the towns of Judah,
"Here is your God!"

I think there's a running theme here of the beauty of being on a mountain, proclaiming His wonders to the world.
Not sure what it means, but I'm going to be searching it out.

:)

I was too blown away by some of this stuff NOT to write, but I'm pretty sure this is by far, the most jumbled blog I've written in a while.

Enjoy!

♥

A Conclusion, to Begin With....( :) what an oximoron!)

"I want what I can't have, but if I had what I can't have right NOW, it wouldn't be what I want."


Hm. I was talking to the Lord today in my car. For the first time in such a long time, I felt like I could just come before Him - nothing hindering. I think a lot of that has to do with final obedience in certain areas of my life where I finally surrender. There's places in my life that hold a certain shame over me and its like this vicious cycle. Shame. You feel like you then, can't deserve God's love. So you feel MORE shame. But then, you DON'T RECEIVE God's love at all because you don't feel worthy of it, and actually, in that whole process of not receiving, you're choosing pride because ultimately, not receiving God's love is saying that you don't NEED it. And if you don't receive it, you're choosing your own strength which IS pride - the very thing that began sin itself. So then I'm caught in this cycle of looking inward at myself and then I become self-centered and THAT is (probably not entirely accurate, but indirectly) the opposite of God-centered.


BUT! I was talking to the Lord in my car, this evening and I ultimately came to the conclusion which is my first sentence in this blog. And I think He chuckled at me for telling Him MY plans to be okay with HIS plans.
And yet, I felt so loved.
I have been recently mulling over the relationships that bring me delight and joy in my life and found myself trying to come to grips with the way God must enjoy me if I enjoy the people around me so much.
I find myself deeply enjoying the companionship of the friends God chooses to place into my life and then I wonder if that is how God enjoys me.

But then, I realize, I am human. I can't possibly know anything beyond myself and I'm just ONE PERSON. He made EVERY person which means that God has the capacity to know what every person feels like ALL at the SAME TIME and somehow STILL be able to handle it all without freaking out!!! So that would bring me back to thinking about how He loves me.
How He loves His Bride.
I am not going to lie. I just don't get it. I don't understand it. I don't see it. I don't see what He must see in me. How He could love me so much, find me so beautiful, to delight in me so much. I just can't see it.
But everything in me has no reason other then TO receive it. And I WANT to. But then I realize, I have a hard time just saying yes. I realize its a humbling experience for me. And how twisted right? That in order to humble myself, I have to choose to allow God to show me who HE sees me to be rather then the screw up I see in myself.
It just blows me away.

You know all those love songs that talk about how the girl takes the guy's breath away? How every part of Him longs for her and how he just couldn't live a moment without her?

Okay, so, I'm a cynical kind of person in my mind, and, I'd roll my eyes at it merely because I've been there and done that and talk is cheap. I have a hard time with that, sometimes. But the truth is - I want to BE that girl. I want to deserve to be that girl.
Avril Lavigne did this song a few years ago and the lyrics to this song resonated in my mind because... it spoke something huge.

I'm tuggin' at my hair, I'm pullin' at my clothes, I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows. I'm staring at my feet, My cheeks are turning red, And I'm searching for the words inside my head
'Cause I'm feeling nervous, Tryin' to be so perfect, 'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
If I could say what I want to say, I'd say I want to blow you--away, Be with you every night, Am I squeezing you too tight? If I could say what I want to see, I want to see you go down on one knee, Marry me today, Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say.

I'm not good enough for this guy, but I want to blow him away. This song? This song is the song of a girl the Lord loves. I want to blow Him away. But I'm so worried that I'm not worth it to Him because of how imperfect or how inadequate I feel and what I'm beginning to see is that God's love knows no bounds. I will never be able to understand it.

And... a truth is over me while I write this: He says I DO blow Him away. I want to SO BADLY, too!
God! I just want to blow away my future husband! I want to believe that even though I don't deserve him, that I'll end up with him in the long run, and here I am with this Love Story being played out. Jesus and Me. I blow Him away. I will never deserve Him. Yet He's made me worth it by sacrificing it all. If I DIDN'T receive His love, His sacrifice would be for nothing. I'd be dishonoring the only Man who truly deserved all honor which! Is NOT what my heart would EVER want to do.


But you know what ends up happening in the long run?

I end up being blown away.

For crying out loud I don't know what to do with myself.
I feel like a harlet learning that there's such a thing as love from lust!
You know, kind of like "Pretty Woman"? A prostitute and yet to him she is the most beautiful, worth-while woman on the planet.


So, tonight, while I was talking to the Lord in my car, for the first time in a while, I didn't feel like I was taking His time. I didn't feel like I talk too much. I didn't feel like I wasn't a good listener. I didn't feel like I just needed to shut up because God is tired of listening to me...
I felt heard.
Adored.
Cared for.


Do you know what crazy things people will do to feel those things?
sigh.

I worry so much.
I don't even realize I do until I see that actually, worry is tied to fear.
And I fear betrayal and no one standing for me, or protecting me. I guess, fighting for me.

But God is.
I know He is. I want to understand that He is. I want to submit myself to His leadership with all thats within me because I know that He is.

I was talking to some friends last night and the question came up about what makes a man a man and what makes a woman a woman.

Ultimately, the conclusion came to - a man is a man when he takes leadership in his relationships and in the things he pursues. But that he is taking that leaderships while following the leadership of the Lord.
AND, that a woman is a woman when she can take the lead when need be, but rather, can also submit to the leadership of those set over her with grace, and actually, that IN that, she IS a leader, by following the Lord's leadership in her life.

This is not to demean women or their place. THIS is a place where the heart enters before the Lord. A place of submission. I know that its a beautiful place because the Lord is showing me how to dwell there.
I like to think that I'm His woman, then.

:)


So really, here I am, still thinking about that conversation with the Lord.
At the end, I sat back, in my seat, in my drive way, and I felt a rest I've not felt in... aaah! So long. A peace - a freedom in sitting before Him.
And I simply said after a slightly exasperated, slightly frustrated-because-I'm-annoyed-with-myself-for-feeling-things-I-don't-exactly-want-to-feel sigh, "Thank you, Lord - for listening." And I felt so blessed. So unworthy - and yet so dearly loved. I knew I could talk to Him anytime.

This blog was too long. ;-P

read at your own risk.

A New Sort of Thought on a Subject, Old, Used and Pretttty Rejected by Me for a While.

Hah! So I was going through some of my old journals today and I found a poem I had written SORT of about my future husband, but more towards where I was about it and it made me smile and then I smiled some more, as though I had some sort of inside joke with myself, being a lot older now, knowing that God has done something crazy in my life when it comes to real romance of the heart.

But I thought I'd share it with all my readers. :) In past entries when I was younger in this blog, I wrote non-stop about such things - romance, etc etc and sooo many people said I was obsessed. Hehe. I was. I'm still smiling though.


Here goes:

"Amidst the Broken Sea, My Dream Lives On" (-sooo dramatic. haha.)

By: Sarah G.
8-30-05
"Thinking, thinking, thinking
So I wonder who you are
the questions running though my heart
are numbered by and far.
Shall I begin an escepade
to tell you what I ask?
When God is nigh and I the deep
come out from past my mask;
confessing much, I'll say,
I try to day the dream away
yet amidst those dark night hours
resurecting as I may.
though curious in state
towards who you are, you see
I'm near convinced, as I scope the world
that you will never be.
Broken hearts - broken seas,
I hold my own dream tight
But Father God said, " You must let Go!"
So I trust with all my might."

I smile because of my little heart ranting on and on for hours about who he might be.
I was more frightened then anything of doing the wrong thing or giving my heart to the wrong person.
FOUR years ago, I wrote this little poem to express the way I felt about the whole situation and I'm so at peace now.

I'm just watching myself react to so much and I think, "I would have struggled with THESE thoughts here, but I don't even worry about it any more..." And its true.

I guess part of it comes to truly letting go of your own hopes and desires and trusting that God's plan for you is so much more precious.

I've been thinking lately that I have a habit of needing to touch the stove and get burned to believe that its truly hot. I seem to just work that way and its rather annoying. But then I think, "Maybe I don't even know what 'hot' feels like, sometimes." And I think I may be right.

I never knew what it really was to guard my heart... and so I had to make a huge mistake to realize "OH WAIT... so THATS how you do it..." after looking at a good burn mark on my hands that will leave a scar with its story.

I just make myself laugh. What a goof off I was when I was younger. What a goof off I am NOW! But, hah! 16 years old, right? I'm DYING to get married and to have romance of ANY SORT in my life. DYING!!!

Now I'm nearing 20 and ..... I just smile. I've never known such a Love as the Love of Jesus. There's a certain place God takes you at some point in your life where God strips you of all your "gold jewlery" braided hair and imaculant garments (like How the prophets talk about God stripping the harlotry away from the children of Israel?) And there I am - just as I am before the Lord. And I am ashamed. I am broken, I am humbled. And He makes me His.

And its in that place, the Lord said, I will call Him "Husband".

Have you ever placed all your antisipation, all your dreams on one person?

I have. Its the only way God could remove it from my life. I lived for Romance instead of God. I lived in the hopes and antisipation of love rather then IN Love.

He's changed that in my heart and now I merely smile a loaded, thoughtful, quiet smile at my young, young self.

"Her day will come," I thought. It will. Someday.

But thats really not the point of my life, is it, anymore? I'm so in love with the Lord. I'm so ready to pursue furthuring His Kingdom, solo. The only way marriage would be an option, I think, is that it would furthur God's Kingdom more because of our partnership then if we were both seperate. I sort of remember when this first dawned on me. I was blown away - ITS REALLY NOT ABOUT US!

It really is not! Its not about me being with the most attractive person. Its really not about me being romanced every day and it certainly is not about ME finding the person who makes ME feel fulfilled at all.

Its about Jesus.
Its about learning how to love in a way that is closest to the kind of love we should have for Him.
Its about being a witness. Its about blessing your spouse. Its about the children you may raise and bring up. Its about honor and respect of boundaries. Its about God and His people, His ways, His Life. Its about God.

When did it get so mixed up?

We grow up being taught to follow our feelings, not the voice of God.
We've grown up in a world where romance is riddled with lust, sex and material items.
I've gone there. It is the most unattractive, unfulfilling experience I have ever known. And its the most revolting. Its so bad its one of the those things I can't even stomache. God's plan is bigger in my life. Its for purity and honor and of true beauty. The church has fallen so deep into the though processes of the world when it comes to these things. I think maybe God wants to give us a heart to change that. I'll start with me.

we're made for something different. God's way is different. Me? Win my heart and THEN ask me to commit. WITH A RING. Not this whole, lets live together and have kids and then MAYBE, when we have enough money, we'll get married. what?!

Hey guys, thats WHAT PEOPLE IN THE CHURCHES ARE DOING TOO!!!

Sigh.


Slighly depressing but I'm not to be faultered in my thoughts here. God has a plan for His people and He's looking for those who understand. Psalms says that.

Its been... wow. probably a year or so since I've talked about this subject in any form. I will not lie - I needed to take a year.

Hey, taking a year off from dating or liking people or whatever, is the BEST THING I've ever done for me, my relationship with God and also, really, in my puruit to honor my husband some day. I've never learned more about my heart then in this past year and Man! Have I learned to focus.

Please do it if you feel led!


Hm. Thats all for now.


Now what to eat.....

Emerge Stage Right: The Shulamite

There are quite a bit of things that God has been revealing, lately. First, that its never about me and the purpose I feel I need to accomplish and fulfill. Its about Jesus and HIS purpose that I am even privileged to be apart of aiding to put into action.
Second, Jesus calls those He loves into the wilderness. Out of the comfy-cozy and into the outsiders zone. He invites us to die. And we ignore His invitations in our happy church settings. Jesus was an outsider. He loved those who hated Him. He loves those who hate Him. He loved those who hated His disciples. He loves those who hate His disciples.
His disciples are those who accept His invitation to die... again.

Heh. Jesus has been drawing me out into the extreme. He's been calling me to just be myself and stand and DO. But its not about me fulfilling my idea of His calling on my life!

Starting bound4life in medina was not exactly my idea of His calling on my life. BUT. Life is what He is. Life is what I have. Life is what I'll fight for.
But let me quote Ever After here, "But, life without Love... well, its no life at all." 1 Corinthians even says this in the 13th chapter. Love activates the Spiritual Gifts. Why? Because God is Love.

"Set me as a Seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm".

Love.

"Come back to me Oh backsliding children' declares the Lord, 'For I am married to you..." Jeremiah 3:14


You know, amidst the afflictions and the hurts, I believe that Jesus saved my family and I.

I believe that it hurts to pull away from something that has been apart of you for so long or so intimately.

But something I believe God did, at least in my own life, is that He pulled me away from the very thing that was hurting the way I looked at Jesus the most.

Mary, sister of Martha, was a chosen daughter, in love with Jesus. Rahab was a chosen daughter, humbly declaring her belief in God through actions.

Rebekah was chosen to be Isaac's wife through her servant-like heart.

I... I had been taught to be a Martha.

The moment giftings began to show, I was made to work in my brothers vineyards. I was thrown in right as I was spiritually old enough and that is all I ever knew. Yet my own garden I struggled to keep.

I am dark but lovely.

A rose of Sharon. A lily of the valleys. I could have withered away from too much sun and no watering of my own roots.


Jesus is showing me something rather valuable in my life. It is this:

He just wants to be with ME.


So my sister told me it couldn't hurt to look again, you know, being as I'm done with my "year" and all.

But it will hurt to look. I won't need to look if God makes His will obvious and in my face. Every time I look, I get burned.

"His left hand is under my head, his right arm embraces me. I charge you Oh daughters of Jerusalem, do not awaken or stir up love until it so pleases."


Jesus is my Beloved. There is none beside Him. Who else is there?

So something a friend of mine said has been sitting with me very solemnly.
"I count it a privilege to serve Jesus in this way" (this way meaning some grounds work.)

You know... it was a general update to many many people who have been waiting for from Him. But Jesus spoke to me through it. Jesus showed me the servant heart I need to pursue to be who He's waiting for. I know I've been trying, but truly, my heart struggles in getting down and dirty when I don't want to. And THAT is exactly where Jesus sees me most. When I don't want to and I'm flat out honest about it. But I DO want to want to! And so here goes the struggle of a woman's heart after God: Lord, I AM privileged to serve You in this way. This is my witness: they will know me by my Love.


"Little things done with great Love can change the world."


That is on a Vineyard church wall somewhere.

Little things.

One person at a time.

MULTITUDES.


Jesus TOUCHED multitudes, one person at a time. And this is the kicker: He was touchable. So He touched. He loved one person at a time. I am called to do this very thing. To love one person at a time.

And yet, before all of this, I am called to Love Jesus first.

This maze is not a test... its a journey. I just need to walk with Jesus through it; right by His side.


Jesus wants to spend time with me.

He LOVES me. I am His Shulamite. His harlot bride. The one who has lain with many men. I've given my heart away to the world over and over again, pursuing fleshly desires. AND I CONTINUE to DO so!!! YET! Yet; He pursues me. Draws me into the wilderness to speak words of comfort to me. And I will forget who I've become. I will remember that despite my prostitution He chose me - ME! To be His bride.

And I will sing as in the days of my youth. Before I gave myself away to the church and her ministries. Before I prioritized leading over following Jesus. BEFORE I was put on stage and BEFORE people saw my potential. Before, way back to when I was 12 and Jesus called me forward and said to me that if I really wanted to follow Him, I would need to lay down my little 12 year old pride. The kind of pride that stopped me from raising my hands. The kind of pride that chained me down from my dance. The kind of pride that rears its head, manifested in my so-called wisdom from years.

Right back to my 11 year old self... seeing Jesus as my own for the very first time. It is like THEN, that I will sing. Only much much more free.



It is in this wilderness that I cry with the most painful of tears and claim the most unspeakable joy. It is in this wilderness, Oh friends, That my love has been awakened, under an apple tree of mercy. In the arms of Grace.

Who else is there?


"My beauty is enough for you, Sarah."


And its true.


I once was a harlot. But now I am His Lover. I am His Bride. And I have been made white as snow, purified in fire - lips touched with coal.

In Christ, behold, the old has gone and the New is Come.

Chosen among virgins, I will fast and pray. And then I will put on my finest apparel - opening my garden wide - and come boldly before the throne.

There, I receive a scepter of grace.



I'm in Love.




You'll see me in pink again.

True Influence...

So last night was my last night at cornerstone chapel. My heart ached, my eyes cried. But it was one last, sad look on the place of, really, my spiritual youth.

I grew up in the way I should go, there.

But, though God is at work in the place where I've spent so much of my life, He's on to a new thing with me.


I scanned the place where I led worship so many times for so many different people. I took in the carpet that held so many of my tears as I sought some floor space.
I looked at the corner where I sat and prayed for so many people.
I sat in the chairs I never actually sat in very much because I was always in the sound booth running the computer or sound...

And I watched as my pastor - the one who showed me how to lead and pastor as I do now, get on his knees and wash both the new youth pastor and the new youth directors' feet.

I watched as 3 of the strongest men in my life openly wepped, being humbled in so many different ways.

I saw Jesus.


And so, as I took all of this in, I couldn't help but wonder - what sort of legacy did I leave?

None but a few people talked to be as I spent my last Wednesday watching everything go on around me.
I'm sure many have their opinions of me and my choice to leave. I'm sure many are glad. But then there were a few people, surprising as it was, whom I never knew would hug me with tears in their eyes and thank me...

My heart is overwhelmed with a sadness, a love, and a need to continue forward.
I loved these people. I still do. In so many ways I pastored them... as did all the rest of the youth leaders.

But God gave me charge over the 6th grade girls this year, thanks to Pastor Mark, and those girls were MY girls. :)

I grew so much as I taught them as best I could what God has been showing me. I probably grew more then they did.
But one thing I know... it meant more then anything to me when they each gave me hugs as I watched them deal in their own way with the fact that I wouldn't be there again.

Some were silly and acted normal.

Then there were just a few... just a few who sadly looked at me through those beautiful little eyes of theirs and told me they'd miss me and couldn't stop hugging me.

God!

THAT is God.

I could never have loved those girls the way I did without God's love... and that Love He first loved me with.

They mean soo much to me. Heh, no matter what I was going through each week, they were a constant reminder that I needed to just look past myself and my problems for a while to see the beauty of the Lord in each little heart as I listened to THEIR problems.


Influence.

11 years old and the Lord revealed Himself to me. I was 12 years old when He encountered me with His Spirit. 13 when I started thinking about missions. I was 14 when I knew I'd follow Him into the ministry. 16 when I began to lead worship. 18 When I began to truly pursue ministry as a life job... All of which Pastor Mark has only encouraged and helped develope as time went on. Now here at 19, the Lord thinks its time to move MY influencer on. He thinks I'm ready to be without him.

I think of how much Pastor Mark influenced my life... How much his life - the way he lived it, impacted mine.

And then I think of how for just the short amount of essential time I may have influenced these blossoming young women. What will they remember so many years down the line that may have impacted them?

I pray it was Jesus they saw.
I pray that the way I lived MY life, the way I conducted myself, is something they will consider, and that in some strange way, they'd imitate my faith, just as I have been trying to imitate PM's.

I hope that this part of my life would line up with Hebrews 13:7 -

Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith.

I guess you could say that I'm blown away by all God continues to show me about how important it is to represent Jesus to the world.
But you can't just start with the world first.

You must start small. Start young. Start with what God gives you.
Its sort of like the promise of Abraham that we go by - God will multiply us. I may not see the fruits of my labor, but those girls may. Praise the Lord.

:)

What peace, to know that in His time, God makes all things beautiful?

As long as for me, that beauty is in producing fruit, It'll be worth all the heart ache.

It'll be worth every tear.

I stand humbled, but I stand none the less.

... so, God has really dealt with me since my last posting. Ultimately, if I want to call the "90%" out for what they're not doing, God thought I should probably know about those who ARE doing something of good cause. Not only did He show me some good BIG causes, but he also revealed the smaller ministries that are loving on people every day. Like the oaks family care center? Yeah, those people are loving on teen moms, homeless people and teens who just need a loving guide.

I am so totally humbled right now.

I suppose I get so passionate about things that I forget that there ARE people doing stuff!! there really are, and that if I'm going to bash things, I need to get going by supporting those who ARE doing good things... who are making a difference, both the small ministries and the big ones.


So I sit here in the intern office for the last time as an intern, today.
I feel.... like crying. So much has happened here... so much of my growth. The thing is though... no one really cares about how much I've grown here except me. Thats okay though. What scares the living daylights out of me is whats going to happen next.

For the last month I've been scared of what my life might hold after the internship, but its just been the last week that God has given me new hope: He WILL use me where He wants to, and guess what? I HAVE THE TIME TO BE USED now.

I feel like as I walk out of here, I'm walking away from a form of spiritual boot camp that I'll never want to go through again. Whether it means that it was my last stretch of true training before God throws me out there, I don't know. The last thing I ever want to believe though is that I've somehow arrived.

I know more then anything though that I haven't.

Hm.

I want to write songs again. I want to write poetry again. I want to be inspired. I AM being inspired every day! The problem? Its not coming out OUT!! It just keeps going in and my spirit, my heart, my soul keeps turning it over and over and over again, but nothing is coming from it yet. I hope more then anything that something absolutely lovely comes from this since, once again, I wait for something awesome to happen. Maybe though the thought of the day is: Am I supposed to MAKE it happen? Is the miracle not that its a new day but that I have another day to be better then yesterday?

Good question.


One thing I've been thinking about lately though is: I guess we'll figure it out. Today, I spend it with Christ. As long as thats the case, I'll be okay with whatever comes my way. Just don't take Him away.

I've never known Christ the way I do right now. I'm so blown away by the love I have for Him. I never knew I could love someone like this. My only real problem is trying to figure out how to love people the way He loves me. It takes SO MUCH EFFORT to love people the way Jesus does. Its so hard! Well... its not if they're lovable. I think the less you know about someone the easier it is to convince yourself that you love them like Christ. But the real challenge is when you know them deeper or better then before. The deal is that Jesus knows the parts of us that WE don't even know exist yet... and He loves us despite that. I can't even compose myself quick enough when someone is imperfect in front of me for the very first time!

I'm such a worm. but I'll quote Winston Churchill here, "We are ALL worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm."

I am a glowworm if I must be a worm.

But even God made the worms, and he provides for them. How much more does God love us then, being as we are human beings?

I cannot even fathom it. I cannot even fathom what is the width, the depth, the heighth, the VASTNESS of His love for us. I guess it'll be a life-long learning experience to love people the way Jesus loves us. I hope to love on HIM a little more like He loves by the end of my little life.


I love Him.


Nothing can compare to what I have with Him after this crazy 10 months of wishing I never had to come back to the church; of crying myself to sleep at night; of struggling with God to forgive again, for today.

I walk away from this place more a woman then I've ever been before, and more a child then I will ever be in later years. I hope to grow younger as I embrace the joy set before me to endure any trial...

I just wonder that I'm not walking away with more than I think I am. I bet God has instilled in me more then I realize right now.

But one thing I did get out of this: I questioned whether I was truly called to full-time ministry or not.
I truly questioned it and I've concluded after much pain, many tears, several hard-knocks and a few trying doubts that, YES. God has called me more then ever before. I could not be satisfied any other way but then to give my life to further the Kingdom of God through any sort of ministry God calls me to.

I don't know. I hope my writings can go into a time of simply desperate pursuit of God and true poetry of the soul.

sigh.


until next time...

The Warrior is a Child

I almost feel safe to write here since it seems like this blog is forgotten now. Good. I can write for myself.

My heart hurts. Kind of like how after an earth quake, the earth will have that one last rumble.. almost like a reverb of the real thing.

That's what I'm going through. I've been through the initial pain, but its like I'm getting that feedback - that reverb. I feel... sick.

Not sick sick. Sick. I feel so used. I feel so discarded - like no one could really love me... its all just fake. And really, that no guy out there that could love me the way I need to be loved, would be able to stay true... to give me his word, to commit to my heart. I feel so... beside myself.

Do not take this wrong:

Jesus is my ALL. ALL my hope is in Him. ALL my love is in Him. ALL my strength is in Him. He IS my joy. Oh is He ever my very present Joy!

But I regret my life this last year. I regret it because it was so wonderful. I regret it because I bought into it as though it were real, as though it were true. I regret thinking that I couldn't get any happier. I regret that I believed that I WAS happy. I regret trusting so much.

And, I regret that I set myself up for heartbreak. REAL heart break. Painful heart break. I'm STILL dealing with it. I STILL wake up early in the morning and cry myself back to sleep. WHY!?!

I regret that I'm not over my hurt yet. I regret that it still effects me.

Truthfully, I regret investing so much that it DID effect me.

And its no longer about the person who hurt me. All is forgiven. But now I have this backlash of emotional pain that I've never experienced before.

One thing I don't regret: I truly understand what it is to guard one's heart. I've always had a hard time understand how one does it. ALWAYS.

But today, at a young 18 years, I have found the secret to guarding one's heart.

Its by not investing in relationships with guys the same way one invests relationships with girls (and vice versa with guys). Its about keeping ALL young men at an arms length. Its about not letting them into the depths where poems are formed, where songs are written, where true prayers are conceived.

Its not because I don't like guys. ON the contrary! I feel WAAY more comfortable with guys then with girls.

But that's where its a problem.

Pointers Sarah has learned from eXPERIENCE, the HARD WAY:

*DO NOT get involved with a guy who is recently hurting over another girl. You'll set yourself up for being used.

*DO NOT let a person push your personal boundaries made by your own convictions! You'll regret it.

*DO NOT get involved right away, whether you've known each other a long time or for a little: give things time.

*DO NOT intentionally see each other every day. Its speeds up the process emotionally, but not spiritually. God's timing doesn't follow ours. Wait a year.

*DO NOT! date or court someone who has a RECENT history of getting into Noncommittal relationships and has a tendency to flirt with everyone. Don't be fooled. ANYONE can be nice and really friendly. But not everyone has self control. LOOK for one who does.

*DON'T allow someone to tell you they love you until they've proven it with patience and follows the exclamation with a proposal to be his wife forever.

*DON'T DON'T DON'T talk about marriage until you're ABLE to marry... OR until you've been proposed to.

*DON'T find it acceptable that a guy thinks your different from the rest of your family.

*DON'T think its going to work with a guy if you can't even communicate openly.

*DON'T even get serious with someone who your family either doesn't like and or, HE doesn't like your family.

*IF he doesn't fit in with your family, its not gunna work.

*...THE end.



Yeah, so that helped me vent a little.

I'm not mad. I'm not.. anything really. Maybe upset. Sometimes I wish I could just get out of here and find guys who aren't amazed that I'm Sarah, and aren't jerks and treat me like dirt. I just want real people. People I can connect to, you know?

I know people who love me, but I can bearly count the people who truly understand me. I can DEFINITELY tell you of the countless of people who said they understood me, who said they loved me, who said they cared, and are no longer a part of my life.

Interesting isn't it?


Hm. I'm in a confusing state. I'm not confused, I'm living in weird new world where I don't know what my next step will be. I'm not angry or unforgiving, I'm upset. I'm mixed up. I'm disoriented. I'm... hurt.

I'm not extraordinarily strong willed, I'm a child in a suit of armor.

THIS, my friends, is my song.


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Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child

I'm back again.

wow...

I know I have not really written in a long time, but you know how people go through periods where they write alot and then they don't for a while?

yeah. Thats how its been for me.


I am going to say something:

God has been bringing me back to the basics of what His grace and mercy has to offer me.

It is no secret that I struggle with one form of pride or another. But what God is showing me... well... my pride would call it shallow to my own oppinion.

But God is telling me that this is just as if not more so important than all the deep thoughts that I ever think about and as I get into this, my friends I AM SO COMPLETELY humbled.

God is just molding my heart right now.

To be honest, I've been unable to write for numorous of reasons. But one of those reasons is that everything I've been learning I have had no words to discribe.

I've been going back to the basics.

Its so weird because this is such a new place in my life, and I need to go over the founding stones that keep me upright before my Jesus so that I can now apply each one to these new situations that are thrown at me.

but I'm ready to get my life in order. and I have been doing that. I am learning that I need to be repenting every day! I need to TAKE His mercies every morning and living in peace with the fact that GOD IS RUNNING my life, not me. He is just showing me how to stand on my own two feet with my standards and my boundries. I never knew I could be shaken, but now that they're being tested, God and I can work out the glitches and yeah, I screw up, but each time, God gives me more courage, more of His strength to say, "No. I can't do this." Or "No, don't cross this boundrie" or "No, I don't think its God's timing" and STANDING on it even when I know it hurts.

guys, I'm breaking out.

I'm done fitting into a mold that everyone has me in.

YES, I'm crazy.


but I want something new.

do you know what God showed me that was?!







a new starting line to a new race.



You know what I have to say to those of you who think I'm going shallow?



judge not, and you shall not be judged.



I am just so amazed that God is pacient enough to show me everything over again.. everything that I should have learned when I first accepted His gift when I was 3. But he's taking me to this new level of living EVERY DAY, the kind of day that you go about living without really thinking, for HIM, and for doing it unto Him, and doing in the FREEDOM of Him.

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.


Eccl. 3:1-8

There is a time for everything. Right now, God is showing me this. THIS is such a perfect example of the simplicity that God is showing me.

I will abide under the wings of the Highest One. Yes, though I may slip out from under His protection, and though I might run out from underneath His covering at times, I know that He is always there, watching close behind, quietly calling my Name. "Princess of Faith. Come Embrace My Heart, dear Child. My mercies are new every morning. Repent. You are Mine."


God, it is so beautiful. thank you.

I'm forever greatful to You. and I'm forever greatful to the cross.

God, you are SO beautiful. You are so simply Wonderful. I wish I knew the language of Heaven to explain to You how much You are to me.

The Girl I Am...

I am the girl you'll first notice after the ... well.... 10th take.


I am the girl with the hefty laugh and the sunshine smile.

I am the girl who smiles with her eyes if she really smiles.

I am the girl who wish she liked sweats as much as jeans...but jeans are more comfortable.

I am the girl who will say she could care less about her hair, but spends 15 minutes blowdrying it because people say its pretty.

I am the girl who sits on her bed at night and contemplates her thoughts to God while stairing at her wall, but when seriously talking or listening, looks through the ceiling.

I am the girl who hides behind her grin well... but I am the girl who gives up trying to hide anything at all from those who care.

I am the girl who LOVES to rock out...but...

I am the girl who relates more to thoughtful music.

I am the girl who sees things colorful when everyone else see it gray, and I am the girl who sees things gray when everyone else sees them black and white.

I am a black and white kind of girl.

I am the girl whos first thought in the shower is, "Hey God..*pause* ... I love You too..."

I am the girl who writes letters to people who may never get them.

I am the girl who pours her soul out on paper.

I am short and perky, I suppose.

I am Blonde.

I am Wise because my Father in Heaven is Wise.

I am My Father's daughter...heh...

I am a friend of God.

I am a twinkling deep-blue-eyed soul.

I am Not always able to understand myself.

I am Understood by Jesus.

I am such a hopeful romantic that it drives my friends insane.

I am having a seriously hard time to typing out subtle lies about myself. But

I am More than just a conqueror.

I am screwed up without Jesus.

I am a cadillac girl.

I am a creative mind.

I am the kind of girl who loves more than she wishes to at times...but

I DO love, even when its hard.

I am a straight-up Jesus-girl.

I am saving my first kiss and my whole self for the man God has for me

I am struggling.

I am More than just a conqueror.

I am just as happy doing background work as I am in the front where everyone can see.

I am in love with the plan God has for my life.

I am in great desperation for God to keep me in my place.

I am the girl who feels rejected amidst admiring peers.

I am a loner in a lot of things

but

I am not afraid to point to God to share my heart.


I make so many mistakes, I could have a hard time living with myself.

but


I am NOT perfect.

I am the girl who cries over the memory of holding your hand.

I am the girl who gave up her childhood dream.

I know God will show me His dream for me.

I am the girl who cries with no tears.

I am the girl who writes songs about you that you'll never hear.

I am hurting.

I am dealing.

I am growing.

I am moving forward even though

I am the one who proposed the step back.

I love to talk to God out loud in my car.

I am not afraid to be real.

I am crazy, plain and simple.

I am fully convinced that you'd really go insane if you weren't crazy while living this life.

I am tired of feeling rejected.

but its okay.


I am turning 18 in a month.

I am becoming a woman I think I might become friends with.

I am so so so in love with my Savior, even when I have a difficult time to listen to HIM.

God, I'm so fricken screwed up.

God, "...thats okay."

I am a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor.

Who are you, Lord that you are mindful of me? Who are you Jesus, that you care for me?

God, "...I AM."


I am not...
God, "But I Am."

But I'm not...
God, "But I AM."

God, "You are beautiful, Dear One, because I AM.

You are more than just a conqueror because I AM.

You are My chosen child because I AM.

You are of royalty because I AM.

You are in Love with Me because I AM first in love with you.

You are hurting because I AM.

You are moving forward because I AM.

You gave up your dream, but I AM giving you the desires of your heart.

You love to rock out because I AM your Rock.

You are the girl with the hefty laugh and the sunshine smile because I AM your joy and I AM the Sonshine in your smile.

You have a twinkling deep-blue-eyed soul because I AM your breathe of life. You breathe My Spirit.

You are wise because I AM wise.

You are Loving because I AM Love.

You have my Heart because I AM not only in your heart, but you are in MY heart.

you are sensitive because I AM sensitive to all things.

You deal because I AM dealing with you.

You are real because, My dear Child, I AM REAL.

you are because I AM.

AND I AM YWHW. I AM that I AM.

and My Child... I AM in love with you."






And so...

I am His.

A Princess' Story - I Once was a Beast.

I don't know, guys... the things of this world SUCK. Because I fight them, Satan gives me STRUGGLE after bloody struggle. I use the word bloody because sometimes it feels like its seeping the life out of me.

I asked for it though... I was the one who asked God to test my faith, wasn't I? I was the one who looked Satan in the face and said, "bring it on."

But then I realized I am really nothing without my Jesus.

I am so so so human.

I have mean thoughts, I cuss at times, I yell, I don't do everything when I'm supposed to, I can be irresponsible and deceitful and I can be disrespectful.


Sometimes I wonder how some guy could love me.

I'm most scared that no one WOULD love me like my family does: ugly side and all.

I guess thats where the beauty of a love story comes in. The one of me and God, first of all. Then the one in which I would share the rest of my life with some OTHER imperfect being. THats why its so hard to believe God will ever give something so precious to me. It would have to be a God-thing for a love to hold two persons together in unity. Yet, he allowed me to have these dreams..

Welcome to the complete honesty of Sarah. A world that is packed full with sin, struggles and fights. Yet... she will be victorious... and that is because Jesus loved her enough to grab her hand and say, "Yes Child, you are nothing without me... But with me, we will conquere hell! Follow Me, daughter. I will give you life, and I will make you beautiful."

Suddenly, the Beast becomes a princess.