Christ in Me, My Truest Hope.

Its hard to believe that 2011 has come and gone.  When I think of the month "January" I'm still thinking, "Oh, that was just a few weeks....... ..... ago.... wait......"

What a long - fruitful year with Jesus.  I'm so SO  glad I'm not the same person I was this time last year.  Actually, thinking about this time last year, I smile.  Everything has a time and a season.  I don't regret where I was then... but I wouldn't change to ever go back to  being  that person again either.  I've grown too much to try to squeeze myself into the confinements of who I was then, now.

A lot is on my mind for this year.

Maybe I should make those things into lessons-I've-learned bullet points.

• Relationships - with anyone - almost never turn out the way you expect them to.
• People are never what you assume - one way or the other.
• You can't be everyone's dream girl or dream guy.  Either you are, just as you are, or... you're simply not.
• You can't be everyone's favorite person either.  ... Nope.
• Crying has its advantages.
• The disadvantages of crying are far... far outweighed by the advantages. ... so...
• ...Its necessary - ESSENTIAL even, to have a good cry every so often.
• Its good to have good friends at times where you need a good cry.
• Actually, its good to just have good friends.
• .... Best friends change.  Both in seasons of your life... and also individually speaking.
• Best friends don't work the way they did when you were a kid... you need multiple friends for multiple purposes - all equally as important.
• People cannot fill your needs ... especially only one person.
• We're not entitled to friends or spouses.  Those are gifts from God.  The Lord gives, does NOT give and He takes away.
• The good thing is, God loves to give good gifts to His children, especially when they ask Him.
• Sometimes, its best just to keep things between you and God.
• Including your feelings, opinions and words.
• You can never go wrong when you praise the Lord with song.
• Mornings are such a lovely time to have set aside for the Lord.
• Sunrises and Sunsets start off the day and end the day each proclaiming the beauty of the Glory of God.  ... How many days do we miss it and forget to join in with all creation to exalt Him?
• Giving thanks is essential to the Christian life.  Its a health issue if its not apart of the daily stuff.
• God is so good. And deserving.  And worthy.  And Holy.  And Lovely.
• God isn't too concerned with what you can DO for Him.
• Delight in the Lord.
• Be prepared to wait.
• Do NOT speculate.  Its not good for the heart.
• It may be better not to share your dreams with people.  ... unless they ask.
• People actually don't care as much as you think they do.
• People care more than you think they do.
• People don't know it, but they WANT to care more.
• Good friends DO care, even when it hurts to.
• God cares... very, very much.
• Going to the House of Prayer on Tuesdays have been a blessing to me.
• Africa is next year!!!

So... I'm going to stop there because from there on, my thoughts pertained to food.  Haha.

I guess the reason why its so hard to believe that a year has passed is because its been a blur, really.  Most of my time this year has been spent in a season of summer in my soul, and winter in my life.
Winter in so dying to things of the flesh, understanding where my sin patterns and areas of weakness are and have to accept and admit that I am really incapable of fixing it all on my own.
In a sentence?  "I can do NO thing good apart from God."
Its been a hell of a ride.  And by that I mean, "Welcome to a tour of your terrible, yucky, stinking heart.  Enjoy the ride!"

But I chose to go this route.  I asked God for it on purpose because I'm tired of who I've been.

"Who I am hates who I've been, who I am hates who I've been."

Its been awful... and yet absolutely lovely.  I've never known so much grace or tender mercy from the Lord.  I really don't think I knew what grace or mercy really meant until this year, and I'm so glad to say I've only just begun.

God has so blessed me by His gentle care towards my heart and I'm eternally grateful.  Here's a few things that I believe have been accomplished or at least have begun to be, in my life.

1. I no longer have a clue what God is going to do in me or with me - at all.
2. God is the essential.  All other vision either bows to this or is fading away.
3. I'm prepared to wait.  I am being prepared to wait for a long haul.
4. God - is the desire of my heart.  None of the other things matter unless He's involved.
5. I am no longer speculating.  ... About anything.
6. I'm not afraid to die anymore.
7. I'm not afraid to be tortured anymore either.
8. In fact.... There's a crazy joy at the idea of these things if it means I don't renounce my Jesus.
9. Nothing can shake me from the conviction of Christ in me.  Nothing.  Not any more.
10. I'm starting to stop second-guessing myself.
11. I don't take crap from people anymore, and I won't bow out when I need to stand up.

These are all actually HUGE accomplishments for me, seriously.  I'm not afraid to say them to the public either because I believe someone has to be real enough to be honest about the hard things in life.

God has really been opening my eyes to a lot of things - and what I mean by that is - actually, everything.  When I lay down my bias, God gives me His heart.  Its a pretty amazing exchange, really.

So for this upcoming year, I'm feeling like I'm phasing into a new season of winter and summer.

This past year, though it be winter in my life, summer was in my heart and the Lord gave me rest and peace and love.
But I believe winter has begun in my heart now... killing and keeping dead everything I've held close until now.  Its not about me anymore ... not  at all.  My life isn't about me.  Winter is barren ... and so shall it be in my heart full of dreams and things.  But I truly believe that the winter in my heart will drive me outside of myself - into the promise land of Jesus.  Its time to explore the heart of God, leave everything else I've loved behind, and begin again.  I actually have no clue what will happen to my heart this next year, but I know that God has been so faithful and good through all the generations.

Coldplay sings, " don't wanna see another generation drop, I'd rather be a comma than a full stop."

Maybe I've been a comma these past 12 months or so.  But I choose to be fully alive this next year - whether good or bad, I don't care.   I just know this next season has nothing to do with ... me.  hah.  Do I really get to call it my life, either?  I have no life apart from God.  Only death.  Yet, crazily enough, death is an everyday occurence when we choose to live in God.

Well...
I'd say this was a rant ... but I feel like thats not honoring the process God has created for me to follow in so choosing to write things out for others to see. 
So I will merely say that I feel my line of thought is done for now.

Happy new year, friends and family of mine - may the Lord remind you through out 2012 that advent is still the season.
Let us then pray, "Maranatha!" Come Lord, quickly! And prepare our hearts."  Amen.

Restore Me, Restore Others

Its been a while since I've actually posted an actual blog entry.
Mostly this is due to being busy and growing through a lot of changes in my life.

Has anyone ever seen crazy restorations happen when you least expect it - right out of the blue?

This is what my life is encountering right now.

I'm watching some major rifts in relationships be mended - so much and in such a way that it has left me spiritually with my jaw dropped.  I could NEVER have imagined the kind of faithfulness that the Lord is showing me in the life of my family.

Let me explain.

The Lord and I have interesting conversations and there are a few in which a moment is defined by a memorial snapshot for God to bring out later.  Such was the conversation that I had RIGHT  before the biggest fall out my family has ever experienced happened.

We had just changed churches, and my family was in a shambles.  I knew that we needed the Lord's help because it seemed that a lot was falling apart in our family and there was no one who was safe enough to be there for us in that time.
God and I had this conversation where I consulted Him about the entire situation and I was as serious as I could be for a 19 year old.
I said, "Lord, I don't even care anymore how much it hurts, whatever it takes, help us.  Heal my family."
Those 2 words formed into a desperate prayer, "help us!" were more on my lips than any other.

It wasn't too long before some of the biggest secrets came out that were both shocking and mortifying.  Who were these people I called  my siblings?!  None of us had even a clue until that long 4th of July night, 3 years ago.  Never had we experienced so much emotion, so much anger, so much hurt, so much heartbreak in small amount of time.  It was wrecking.

I remembered my prayers, and I didn't understand.
But the Lord was faithful.  He reminded me that in order to help us, He had to clean things out.

Fast forward 3 years and individually, a few us have begun to heal in our own way.  Restoration, we thought at this point was a far off hope.
But it wasn't.

A relationship which has had problems from the get go was restored on an ordinary Friday night at a bonfire AND as of tonight, my parents are meeting with another person who was a major part of the fall out with our family stuff in the first place.

And still, I cannot forget my prayer, "God help us!"

Three years seems like a long time in high school.  But it ends up being faster than one could imagine as you go into your twenties.
Before you know it, 3 years can be planned for without a problem.

Looking back on the last 3 years, I don't see all that God has been orchestrating in our lives. Who knows even now?  But all of a sudden, something has shifted, and its time to make amends.  Beautiful isn't it?
One day, you wake up and no longer feel resentment towards a person who you've been trying to forgive for years.  In fact, you almost feel - love.

Why?


God is faithful.

So here's what I've been thinking.  Its a lie to think we get to where we're going in our own abilities and our own strengths.  Its only when we find the ugly end of ourselves that we begin to actually move forward and beyond ourselves in the first place.

Yeah, some people prosper for a short time even in their wickedness.  But as for me?  As for those of  US who are following Jesus?  We are blessed among men.

"Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.  They are brought to their knees and fall but we rise and stand firm. " - Psalm 20:7-8

Titles, pedestals and man-made positions fade.  One cannot take their college degrees into eternity.  At some point none of that can help you if you don't have favor among men.

But we - we are blessed among men because we have favor with God.

"God, help us."

Desperation.  Deliberation.  Down-right dependent on God being good.
That is what it comes down to.

"3 years" has broken any notion I had that I was in control.   What, was I in control of my emotions? My feelings? My friends?  My family?  My life? My job? My church?

ALL of it came crashing down.
What then, am I left with?  A confused, finite mind - a pride that will fight truly unto its death.

But God.  (What a wonderful phrase - but God .)

But God was answering my prayer.

Only God can help my family at the lowest and highest points.  Everything and everyone else is dispensable.
It comes down to trusting in the good name of the Lord our God.

Same is true for me: only God can really help me.

I've personally been going through a season where I'm allowed to feel EVERYthing for what its worth.
My entire life I've been told I'm oversensitive and so my entire life I've been trying so hard not to feel my emotions to the fullest that they are.  Stuffing all that makes for one angry person - someone who controls themselves impeccably until something sets them off.  But God has been hacking into all of that and I'm able to finally forgive for real.

I'm allowed to be fully angry and I'm allowed to be ecstatically excited.  I'm allowed to!  But that also means that I've got to face the feelings of deep longings, disappointments and even dare to... hope.

No man can help me here.  Only God.  But God.
And He is.  So I'm becoming free.

Free to express, free to share, free to NOT share.  Free to love.  Free to be just ... me.  Not have to worry about people telling me that I feel too much, that I AM too much and that I'm not good enough.
God is my help.  The Spirit is the Heart Changer even in our most wretched state.

Praise the Lord and thanks be to the most High God!  And because He is the Heart Changer, I'm free to finally offer grace to those who have fully betrayed trust.  How can I not when I'm finally beginning to understand how much forgiveness has been bestowed upon me?

"God, help us."

He is a good, good God, guys.  He scares me.  His unpredictable ways undo me.
But He's good and He loves His kids.

Today I visited a friend's church and the word that stuck out in the prayer time was "Restore".
Talking about how restoring doesn't just mean to put something back in its place, but to put something back in its place and abundantly more.  This is the story of my heart right now:  Restoration.

Here are the lyrics to one of my all time favorite vineyard songs:

Restore Me
Michael Flowers
Have mercy on me my unfailing love
Have mercy on me, Redeemer
Please open my eyes
My soul now set free
To surrender

Create in me a pure heart oh God
Renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away
From your presence oh Lord
Cast me not away

Restore me with joy from heaven
Restore me to sing Your praise
Restore me restore others
To follow Your ways

Come breathe on me now
Oh life-giving wind
Come breathe on me now, Redeemer
You’re looking for hearts broken and contrite
Look with favour
Look with favour
Look with favour