On India, Changed Plans and Answered Prayers

My heart was beating and the anticipation grew.

The speaker was speaking and my very core knew.

I was going to sign up for this trip. I would sign up for this trip.

Not a single amount of hesitation could stop me.  Finances?  God would provide.

…Strange.  I always worry about finances.

But I knew that I knew that I knew I was definitely going to Mozambique.

I was going on this trip.

Life-Changing, Radical Obedience

Have you ever had times in your life where the entire paradigm of your view changes?

Its like you can only see certain things or you can only see things in a certain way and your mentality could never have imagined another way?


Something I'm realizing about myself is - the way I make decisions.   I calculate all the possibilities my imagination can conjure up and then based on those options I do process of elimination based on common sense and pros and cons. 
So in essence, even though I can multi-task considerably well and have the ability and the capacity to be open-minded,  I am one track minded in nature by default. 


This being said, you can imagine that the Lord's way with me includes changing things up a bit now and again.

So, a few words sum up what I'm about to talk about in this blog:
Letting Go
Praying new prayers
Radical obedience
and
Faith.


Now,  being apart of a Vineyard church, we are of course fans of our founder, John Wimber.
Christy Wimber, one of his relatives pastors a church out in CA and she visits every now and then.  While she was here this past month, she said something that really hit me square at home in my heart.
She said, "Now, I KNOW that when God asks me to let go of something that's hard to let go of, He's about to do something new in my life."

Now over the past year, I've been wrestling with God about a few different things that I WANTED to let go of but could NOT, within my own strength.  The lesson learned in this was invaluable to me as I learned that I was entirely bound to my own sin patterns and COULD NOT unbind myself by my own strength.  Nor could I wrestle God into doing what I wanted Him to do.  Ultimately, I'm ugly in my sin, I can't change it AND ... that's that.  But God.  Those two words become the most precious in my life.  But God - so loved us.
But God.

So this happened over the new year and when I concluded that I can do NO good thing within myself and I needed God to LET GO at ALL -He released me. And I could.
  Kind of  like the story of Jacob wrestling God?  Yeah.  2011 in a nutshell for me.  Except I begged God to let ME let HIM go.  Pride my friends will never be beautiful. You can cover it up and you can sugar coat it, but when you ask God to do what it takes, make no mistake about it, He will.
That is what I love about Him.

When I was released from the things I couldn't let go of, things became disorienting for me.
I've often felt like I don't fit well or for very long into places I find myself in - and for the most part I just accepted that this is inevitable for me since I've felt like this since a child.
But God has been doing MUCH in the arena of my identity and putting down roots has been a lot easier for me.  Especially as friendships develop.
But after all of this wrestling, my life seemed empty and my purpose left blank.  What now, Lord?

Great question!

When you let go of something, God has got something new on the horizon.
Or at least for me, lots of old things.

Things I've forgotten about for years, actually.  Its really awesome because they're little things that only I would know about but He's proving Himself faithful because even though I forgot about them, He never did.

But that's still disorienting because I'm not moving in those callings at this point.

I think the place I find myself in, though small in its beginning, is a very defining one.  Its a place of memorial.  Kind of like in the Old Testament when God tells Israel to make a memorial so as to remember what He did for them.  Here - here in this place is a new chance to die.  Again.  To myself.

Its really cool actually because what's happening is something I've never done in my life before.
I'm obeying without question.  Or at least trying to.  I'm finding out that without love, "being good" is just moralism as a means to get what we want.
The standards God sets for us personally and by His word are just rules to follow if we don't know how to really love and trust God.
"If you love Me, you'll obey my commands."  -John 14:15
The joy I'm finding in all of this is that as I learn God's love for me, I can't help but love Him the same way - by imitation.  All of a sudden, what was a sacrifice for me before becomes an offering - a PLEASURE for me to give.  It is a pleasure for me to obey the Lord.
I don't know about you guys, but I've always had a problem with obeying God when I don't understand or when I just plain don't WANT to.  It never occurred to me to ASK Him to give me the strength to say yes to Him.  The DESIRE to pray this prayer never even crossed my heart.  What a SWEET prayer!
I'm all about praying risky prayers.  I WANT to give it all!  I WANT to see my life fully surrendered to Jesus!  I WANT to move in His Spirit and with authority and power for His glory.
I can't do that without giving permission for God to "do whatever it takes."

So a new prayer is asking God to give me the strength to say yes.


Now some may argue that I always have a choice.
Yes.
But no.  My choice is that I have none.
My choice is obedience.  Because I love Him.  I can't go back - I don't even know how I could!
Its kind of like Frodo and the ring.  Yes, he had a choice but... he was chosen.  He was a slave to completing his task even if it meant unto death.
I feel the same way about following the Lord.
Its not an option to NOT love God.  I can't not.  To love is to obey.  I can't then, NOT obey.

Now - I don't have the ability to obey in my own strength, this I know.  I've tried this very recently and I found that it is impossible.  I could "say" I obey and in action look like I am, but God is the great Judge of our hearts and we cannot fool Him even if we succeed in fooling ourselves.
So - to walk in the way I choose, I cannot have anything of myself.
AS I decrease, He is increasing.
When my life is based in this, beautiful and holy and pure, HOW can I go back? Why would I want to be in the dark when my life is becoming increasingly enraptured with light and true life? That would blaspheme the Holy Spirit.
Once one is presented with the truth, you can't go back into oblivion.  It becomes a deliberate decision.  I can't choose oblivion and unchoose God.   Therefore, as a servant, it is the call of my life to obey - to worship God in obedience regardless of feelings.
Now, a few things have happened since I last posted:
My mission trip to Mozambique has been canceled. Airfare is way overpriced.  And - I've raised all but about about 300 dollars of the 3000 that I needed.  NOW WHAT?!  Have I used the word disoriented a lot?  That's because this is how its been this last month.  Why did I feel God's prompting for this trip?  Why was all the money raised so quickly?  What is God's plan for that money?  I need direction.  I need to walk in faith.

So with THIS being stated, a quick story.
2 doors down from the office I work at within a small plaza, there is a music/record store owned by a crippled man.  It takes him probably 5-6 minutes to walk to the door from his handicapped parking spot - a walk that would take any of of us 5 seconds. He's not necessarily the nicest man either - gruff.  He's not that old -mid 40's at the most.
the last 2 weeks God has been putting it in my heart to pray for his heart to be softened.
THEN it occurred to me that as a person who believes that the power of the Kingdom of God is within me, I should act in faith and ask if he would like prayer to be healed.
Now - I don't have any gifts of healing to my knowledge.  But - that would mean that God would have to do His thing - and that is exactly what I felt the Lord had in mind.
But for a week I procrastinated the development of the idea because - what if nothing happened?
The thought didn't go away and I knew that I wasn't being obedient to what Jesus commissioned us to do - He SAID that one of the signs that will follow believers is that they would lay hands on the sick and they would recover.
The other thing is - the store is filled with yucky feeling spirits.  Demonic music - demonic things inside.
But on lunch a few days ago, I couldn't do it anymore.  I was intensely convinced that regardless of my feelings and "don't do this!" thoughts, I HAD to move.  What if God was waiting for me to act in faith and obedience so HE could move? What if in my disobedience, I was hindering God's process of moving things in MY life?  I couldn't afford to not obey.
So I went.
I told the man (Phil) that God had me praying for him for the last few weeks and at that point, I had a prophetic word for him as well.  He let me pray for him, and you know?  nothing happened before my very eyes.  And I told him that God had a plan for me to come to him that day for a reason - I didn't know what that was, but maybe he should ask God what its all about, since he said he prayed every morning.

And - I went back to my office with my lunch.  And I cried.
I did something huge, my friends.  I risked what I felt was everything and moved to advance the Kingdom.
But mostly I acted in deliberate faith, paying the cost of possibly foolishness - in act of love and worship to my Father.
It cost me something I've never paid before, and it was the most freeing, scary - moving thing I've ever done in my life.

I'M GROWING, GUYS!!!!

John Wimber said faith is spelled R-I-S-K.
A friend pointed out that according to John then, risk is my middle name.
I never thought about it that way before.
But one of the visions for my life that I believe God has given me is to live a life of radical faith - complete obedience.  God doesn't need the most intelligent, genius person to accomplish big things, guys.
God needs a willing vessel -a regular, every day person who is willing to say, "Yes, Lord."
I'm done dreaming of being that person.  Its time I just started living it.
I'm an adult, no body's stopping me, right?  What am I waiting for?
Jon Foreman couldn'tve voiced a more profound statement in the form of the question:

"This is your life - are you who you want to be?"


So NOW what?!

I'm praying about what God's purpose for this money is.
I'll be writing letters to all the people who gave to either return it or ask them to pray that God would make it clear what His plan is for it.

Pray with me, friends?
Who KNOWS what the Lord has for those who love Him. :)

Christ in Me, My Truest Hope.

Its hard to believe that 2011 has come and gone.  When I think of the month "January" I'm still thinking, "Oh, that was just a few weeks....... ..... ago.... wait......"

What a long - fruitful year with Jesus.  I'm so SO  glad I'm not the same person I was this time last year.  Actually, thinking about this time last year, I smile.  Everything has a time and a season.  I don't regret where I was then... but I wouldn't change to ever go back to  being  that person again either.  I've grown too much to try to squeeze myself into the confinements of who I was then, now.

A lot is on my mind for this year.

Maybe I should make those things into lessons-I've-learned bullet points.

• Relationships - with anyone - almost never turn out the way you expect them to.
• People are never what you assume - one way or the other.
• You can't be everyone's dream girl or dream guy.  Either you are, just as you are, or... you're simply not.
• You can't be everyone's favorite person either.  ... Nope.
• Crying has its advantages.
• The disadvantages of crying are far... far outweighed by the advantages. ... so...
• ...Its necessary - ESSENTIAL even, to have a good cry every so often.
• Its good to have good friends at times where you need a good cry.
• Actually, its good to just have good friends.
• .... Best friends change.  Both in seasons of your life... and also individually speaking.
• Best friends don't work the way they did when you were a kid... you need multiple friends for multiple purposes - all equally as important.
• People cannot fill your needs ... especially only one person.
• We're not entitled to friends or spouses.  Those are gifts from God.  The Lord gives, does NOT give and He takes away.
• The good thing is, God loves to give good gifts to His children, especially when they ask Him.
• Sometimes, its best just to keep things between you and God.
• Including your feelings, opinions and words.
• You can never go wrong when you praise the Lord with song.
• Mornings are such a lovely time to have set aside for the Lord.
• Sunrises and Sunsets start off the day and end the day each proclaiming the beauty of the Glory of God.  ... How many days do we miss it and forget to join in with all creation to exalt Him?
• Giving thanks is essential to the Christian life.  Its a health issue if its not apart of the daily stuff.
• God is so good. And deserving.  And worthy.  And Holy.  And Lovely.
• God isn't too concerned with what you can DO for Him.
• Delight in the Lord.
• Be prepared to wait.
• Do NOT speculate.  Its not good for the heart.
• It may be better not to share your dreams with people.  ... unless they ask.
• People actually don't care as much as you think they do.
• People care more than you think they do.
• People don't know it, but they WANT to care more.
• Good friends DO care, even when it hurts to.
• God cares... very, very much.
• Going to the House of Prayer on Tuesdays have been a blessing to me.
• Africa is next year!!!

So... I'm going to stop there because from there on, my thoughts pertained to food.  Haha.

I guess the reason why its so hard to believe that a year has passed is because its been a blur, really.  Most of my time this year has been spent in a season of summer in my soul, and winter in my life.
Winter in so dying to things of the flesh, understanding where my sin patterns and areas of weakness are and have to accept and admit that I am really incapable of fixing it all on my own.
In a sentence?  "I can do NO thing good apart from God."
Its been a hell of a ride.  And by that I mean, "Welcome to a tour of your terrible, yucky, stinking heart.  Enjoy the ride!"

But I chose to go this route.  I asked God for it on purpose because I'm tired of who I've been.

"Who I am hates who I've been, who I am hates who I've been."

Its been awful... and yet absolutely lovely.  I've never known so much grace or tender mercy from the Lord.  I really don't think I knew what grace or mercy really meant until this year, and I'm so glad to say I've only just begun.

God has so blessed me by His gentle care towards my heart and I'm eternally grateful.  Here's a few things that I believe have been accomplished or at least have begun to be, in my life.

1. I no longer have a clue what God is going to do in me or with me - at all.
2. God is the essential.  All other vision either bows to this or is fading away.
3. I'm prepared to wait.  I am being prepared to wait for a long haul.
4. God - is the desire of my heart.  None of the other things matter unless He's involved.
5. I am no longer speculating.  ... About anything.
6. I'm not afraid to die anymore.
7. I'm not afraid to be tortured anymore either.
8. In fact.... There's a crazy joy at the idea of these things if it means I don't renounce my Jesus.
9. Nothing can shake me from the conviction of Christ in me.  Nothing.  Not any more.
10. I'm starting to stop second-guessing myself.
11. I don't take crap from people anymore, and I won't bow out when I need to stand up.

These are all actually HUGE accomplishments for me, seriously.  I'm not afraid to say them to the public either because I believe someone has to be real enough to be honest about the hard things in life.

God has really been opening my eyes to a lot of things - and what I mean by that is - actually, everything.  When I lay down my bias, God gives me His heart.  Its a pretty amazing exchange, really.

So for this upcoming year, I'm feeling like I'm phasing into a new season of winter and summer.

This past year, though it be winter in my life, summer was in my heart and the Lord gave me rest and peace and love.
But I believe winter has begun in my heart now... killing and keeping dead everything I've held close until now.  Its not about me anymore ... not  at all.  My life isn't about me.  Winter is barren ... and so shall it be in my heart full of dreams and things.  But I truly believe that the winter in my heart will drive me outside of myself - into the promise land of Jesus.  Its time to explore the heart of God, leave everything else I've loved behind, and begin again.  I actually have no clue what will happen to my heart this next year, but I know that God has been so faithful and good through all the generations.

Coldplay sings, " don't wanna see another generation drop, I'd rather be a comma than a full stop."

Maybe I've been a comma these past 12 months or so.  But I choose to be fully alive this next year - whether good or bad, I don't care.   I just know this next season has nothing to do with ... me.  hah.  Do I really get to call it my life, either?  I have no life apart from God.  Only death.  Yet, crazily enough, death is an everyday occurence when we choose to live in God.

Well...
I'd say this was a rant ... but I feel like thats not honoring the process God has created for me to follow in so choosing to write things out for others to see. 
So I will merely say that I feel my line of thought is done for now.

Happy new year, friends and family of mine - may the Lord remind you through out 2012 that advent is still the season.
Let us then pray, "Maranatha!" Come Lord, quickly! And prepare our hearts."  Amen.

I'd like EXTRA Tomatoes and EXTRA Cucumbers, Please.

"Looking up through her lashes she settled her gaze upon a horizon promising hills and mountains and valleys silhouetted by a creatively splashed, evening sky.  Opening wide her arms she cried, "Ah!  My friends!" and continued forward, skipping securely on the heights." 

What does the Lord have for me?

Man, I've been asking this question for years, and the answer usually comes with the seasons.  AND ... its always changing.  It seems like God has a LOT for me.

Its been a very difficult season, certainly.  Its funny to me because people who see, hug me in a massive, enveloping embrace and look at me with shining eyes and whisper, "God is doing a deep work in your life, girl.  Oh He is...." and then, with a burst of delightful, joyous chuckling, I'm hugged again.

Its wonderful!  Except for one thing:  I don't feel it or see it at all.  Its nice that everyone ELSE can, but as for me?  My life is just one big compression of pressure and stress.
A few months ago I was fighting the Lord about why I was feeling this way, but TODAY... I'm like very flexible clay.  I just... whatever.
Whatever He wants - whats the point in fighting back?  Its better just to give in, and embrace the change.

Embrace the journey.

...Calculated Chaos in the Midst of ... Peace?

My life has taken a few undetected turns since I last wrote...
But strangely enough, I'm not too alarmed.  There's so much going on with my family ... dare I share that I believe God may be restoring us?

My brother and my sister (my sister being gone and not around for a year and a half, my brother being gone for about 5ish/6ish months) are finding themselves back at home more and more often, and our family is receiving them with loving arms.  Last Friday, along a brave young man's request to pursue me, my family... my Family was all together for the first time in a year and a half.  My grandparents included... EVERYONE around the table.  ... Something happened in my heart that night.  It felt like home for the first time in a LONG time.

Warrior Dancer is Presented with Destiny.

I have got to say, (and I know that this may even sound slightly dramatic, but stick with me) turning twenty-one was a huge milestone for me in the spirit.

Hah. Like the way I start my entry off? With a big, resounding, weighty statement.

Its true.

I have this journal. It was given to me the Christmas before I turned 18. I had seen it previously at a book store and thought to myself the moment I saw it, "THAT is the ONE."
THEN... I looked at the price and my following thought was, "That is NOT the one."

I remember my shoulders slouching. It was def. disappointing.

Then, I received a special gift from a friend I didn't expect a gift from: It was the exact journal, color and all. She had said she felt led to give it to me by the Lord.

When I saw it I thought to myself, "This journal will get me from my 18th year to my 21st year. I just KNOW it."

And I knew that, starting that lovely, genuine-leather-bound book, I was starting a special phase in my life. I titled my 7th journal, "My Story" and I knew it would be just that: a story.

And it was. I am so surprised what that journal reveals about my growth in the Lord. Its a very precious thing.

But... come my birthday, I was 2 pages away from being done. And I want to share with any of my fellow believers and also my readers what the Lord very specifically did to make my birthday a milestone in the spirit.

My birthday was quite uneventful. I didn't even get carded when I ordered a glass of wine with my lovely dinner with my parents!!!!

But, in the afternoon, I decided I was going to splurge my time and sit down and watch the movie rendition of Lord of the Ring's Return of the King.

About half way through the movie, Aragorn, heir to the throne of Gondor, is presented with the King's sword - the sword that defeated evil once, and would defeat evil again. The sword has a distinct symbolism of Aragorn's destiny. Elron, lord of the elves who had been at the first battle when the sword had been shattered, had welded it back together and came to Aragorn with it.

The scene is that Elron approaches Aragorn and holds out the sword with both hands. He tells him, "the time has come".

Aragorn hesitates for only a moment before he reaches for the sword and pulls it swiftly out of its sheath and its in that second Aragorn chooses to step into his destiny as King. And he COULD choose NOT to... but really, he's at a point of no return. The way to move is forward. Its inevitable that He would move into that role, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

See, because there's no turning back. He might have turned back when he met the hobbits for the first time and knew that they were being followed by Evil. He might of chosen to leave when he got them to the Elves in Rivendale. But he didn't. THAT is when He could have chosen a different way. But the presentation on the sword only came when it was clear He was too far in - and he was sold to seeing this through.

So. Thursday, the day after my birthday, I'm at the house of prayer and I'm being stirred to intercede for Cleveland. Thinking about Psalm 93 - Holiness adorns Your temple, Oh Lord, forever.
I was stirred deeply and thus made a painting of a tsunami wave of the Spirit and of Life and of Fire about to crash down on 4 main "temples". Individual hearts, Households, The Churches and the City. The second set began at 10, and within about 20 minutes of the set beginning, Carol (one of our night watch prayer-warriors) comes to me, gives me her usual, joyful hug and as I pull away, she says, "I HAVE something for you... for Your birthday!" with a twinkle in her eye.

She then pulls out a pair of worship flags and presents them to me with both hands. Now... this is not the first time I have received a worship flag. I'm a firm believer that God equips the one's He calls. The first time I was given a flag, it was by someone I had never met before and the Lord very specifically told her to give me a specific worship flag - an "angels wing" of sheen purple. Prophetic colors are important - and this color means, "Royalty". My name, Sarah, means princess. Flags are for designating tribes, etc etc. If you lose your place, look for the flag, and go back to your place. A flag bearer, then, is one who holds up their identity high, and mightily, especially in times of war.

The flags Carol gave me are a sheer and glimmering white, and the one is bordered on either side in blue - with a Star of David on the front. When Carol unrolled it for me to see the star, the Spirit nudged me and I thought, "This means war."

And it was then that I knew - I'm a warrior in the spirit, and when I dance, I break down barriers, shatter strongholds and dance upon injustice - my dance is a prophetic gift just as my "painting pictures" is, or singing over people etc etc.

And The Lord gave me a picture of 2 armies going out to meet one another in a massive field. The adversary was already in place. The other side was the army of the Lord. People and angels of fall sizes and ranks. They were marching forward to take their place. But about 100 paces forward, there was a dancer. She was in a white dress with a flowing skirt, and she had a sash of red and blue - red symbolizing Salvation, and therefore, grace. And Blue symbolizing the Spirit like water - being baptized thereof. And she had 2 multi-colored streamers that were like smooth rainbows. And she was whirling and leaping and twirling about and her sash of blue and red would sometimes look purple - which symbolizes her identity and her rank. She is clearly a child of God. And her dance was very clearly a war dance. And Joy surrounded it in such a way that you knew who's army she was apart of and you also knew which army would win. It was a victory dance. And it was intense and strong and very very mighty.

She was the only dancer in that part. But the message is that she is not the only one in the body of Christ. But for this vision, she was set apart to designate her specific role. She was alone. She was closer to the enemy. She was on the very forefront. She saw it clearer then the army did. And? She was not afraid. In fact - the enemy could not, by spiritual law, shoot at her. She was under protection. The enemy could not touch her. It had no leeway to do so. She seemed to dance in the confidence of that protection. Her protection was peace. She was not worried or afraid. She was light and free.

THAT calling - that destiny - that place ... in the spirit, Is mine.

And I'm blown away at the privilege I have to be given a position of a flag bearer and a dancer.

Does that really change how I look in the physical? Nah. :) I'm doin the same stuff I know I'm supposed to. But I'm entirely overjoyed at the clear direction and placing I have in the army of the Lord for this season and time of my life. I don't quite know what it'll look like, but I think that's why I have a new journal - so I can record it all as I figure it out and go along. :)


Anyway. that's about it. I know this was a particularly long blog, but nevertheless, a thorough one at that.

Blessings - Sarah

Brought Low

Is it okay if I say that I'm feeling pretty indescribable?

Its been a pretty challenging time thus far, and O to wonder if that is the pace for this upcoming year of mine.

To face insecurities? To challenge lies?

To stare back, boldly standing in the gaze of my newest revealed fears?

Aha. Sounds so... honorable. So courageous. So brave.

But to me? It sounds ... painful. hah!


Yet, I want to learn what it looks like to have authority as a Daughter of God.

To pray and see things happen.

But my faith bust be grown.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

I most certainly am not complaining over life's complications and little complex situations we so often find ourselves in. But neither will you hear me pretend that these sort of things aren't trying, most of the time. Its a pretty real place to be with the Lord. He's got this big thing in mind, and in my little narrow-minded, compact self, I am unable to wrap my understanding around how sovereign He really is.

But ... though I do not hold the capacity for such knowledge, I DO have the capacity to believe it to be true. And you know how big that capacity is? It can be as little as a mustard seed. But Oh! The fruit it will bear in its due season!



Sigh. I don't know.


You know what?

I'm in this place where...

okay. Illustration.


I'm sitting.


In the prayer room, right? I have had a pretty.... "eh" week. Lets just say (if I can be perfectly honest) it hasn't been one of my most "be a super-christian!" weeks.

In fact - I have been seriously dealing with some sin issues in my life MAINLY ... because of my lack of guard. So, on this particular evening, not very long ago at all, I find myself walking into the prayer room with some anger inside. I'm angry at myself because of where I think I should be, and am not, AND, I'm a little hurt by a previous encounter with a friend.

AND ... I'm mad at myself for how the whole situation makes me feel.

So I'm sitting in the prayer room.

An hour goes by. Finally, towards the end of this hour, I finally begin to process.

How long am I really going to go like this? Really?

And in all my "ehhgh" feelings, I begin to really face the Lord.

And that's when He nudges my heart (Which has been condemning me all day at this point.)

Lord? I DON'T feel very spiritual right now. I don't even care to say this. In fact, I ... just absolutely don't get this whole grace and righteousness thing. \


And so goes my honest little heart with the Lord.

I've definitely been in the business of shocking people when I talk about how I sometimes talk with the Lord.

Hah. You know what? I've been doin this for 10 years of my life. I'm pretty sure that if God wanted to shoot me with a lightning bolt, he woulda done it already.

(sorry, sarcasm...and yet not mean sarcasm. just blunt.)

And to be honest? For me to talk this way with the Lord is the most humbling experience because I actually have to admit that I am not perfect. I have to admit that I don't measure up.

I spend my whole life being good at everything and measuring up and pleasing and being the favorite and the good one.

But the truth is?



I don't measure up. And? The standards aren't His. I'm accomplishing nothing in my own strength.


Figures.


And He whispers to me in the most tender, truthful way, "Sarah, its okay."



Its OKAY to be sitting in that chair in the place that I am. Its really okay.

And that's when I realize: I GOT NOTHING.

NADA!


ZIP!


ZERO!




NOTTTHING to bring to Him except exactly what I am at that very moment.

And what I have to bring is so ugly.

And then all I can think about is how I HATE this body.

I HATE this jar of clay.

There is SO much treasure waiting for ME, EVEN inside, that I don't know about and yet I have to deal with a shell of flesh that is tenaciously prone towards sin.


I got nothin.


Apart from Him, there is no good in me.


And as my heart began to grasp this little idea, the lights were turned down for the next set. And we began to sing this song:

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom


How wide, how deep, how great is Your love for me?


We sing it as a statement... but isn't it meant as a question?

Do we have the nerve to actually ask this of the Lord?



Who couldn't?!


Humbled?

hm.


I am indeed being brought low.

for sure.

He Makes All Things New

Hm.



2010.


it feels weird to write that, hehe.




God.... has absolutely blown me away this past year.

The year of 2009.


And - I have great expectation that He's not through with me yet.

In a nutshell, I will try to compose my rendition of what I have learned in 2009:


1. Redemption - takes every picture of my life where I feel condemned or ashamed - He reaches down with His mighty hand, touches the "me" I see and changes me into the person He sees from beginning to end - and makes me radiant in His purity and righteousness.

2. Vision - God has given me vision for what my life is supposed to look like! I don't have to answer with, "well, I know I'm called to full time ministry but I don't know how its going to look," anymore when people ask. I can respond with, "I'm a prayer missionary. I minister first to the Lord, and then to His people."
And it can look like so many different things... but I think thats where the adventure comes in.

3. Garden - my heart. Not a little country garden gated in by a lil picket fence on the side of a dirt road with a bunch of other gardens waiting to be explored, with much more beauty and exotic flowers to allure - no. I am a locked garden - surrounded by massive iron gates, with a Man that jealously guards my heart and my mind with His peace.

4. Treasure - whoa. I'm still wrapping my mind around this one. I'm thinking II Corinthians 4, and Matthew 13 and Proverbs 31. Treasure in jars of clay, treasure hidden in a field, pearl of great price, and an excellent wife who's worth is far above rubies or jewels.

5. Love - without expectation. Without expectation of reciprocation AND ... HERES the recent kicker: without expectation of NO reciprocation. THIS idea has been growing me up quite a bit, in my walk with the Lord.


ps: number 5? Super risky. Big big big big trust thing with the Lord.


6. Stirring - up old dreams, old desires, new dreams, new desires and.... having to come to a place of acknowledging them and being honest with the fact that they ARE in fact - MY dreams and desires. Not sure what God has in store for this developing thing, but I'm thinking He will be faithful and continue His good work on through this next year. :) I'll let you know how it works out.

7. Songs - Love Songs, New Songs, Old Songs, Hymns and Spiritual Songs.
"I save my sweetest love songs for Jesus."
Its just... true. Singing songs that have never left my lips until the moment they do, singing old songs that touch my heart in a way I can't explain - they were sung to me as lullabies. Singing hymns that are written in such a way and sung with such conviction that my heart nearly explodes with appreciation for the legacy I get to embrace and run with the baton for my part of the race. And - Songs that sound like angels.



I guess an overall word? Restoration.


I don't know. But I'm glad I don't. Its time to see whats next with the Lord. He always keeps me on my toes.

I like that.




:)


Did I mention?





I'm in love.

Journey of a Sojourner ... a very very new year.

This picture reminds me of Jeremiah 17. Hm...


So updates are crucial sometimes, if only for the sanity of the writer.

My life has begun in on a journey I believe will be a life time.

So let me give an illustration.

Your Sr. year of high school is like this big glass-window wall. You can see everything ahead of you but you have to go through this door which, engraved above it says, "Graduation". Right? High above this door, across the top of this wall is engraved, "Adulthood".

During graduation, the chaos and the hype is so insane that you don't even take a few moments to say goodbye to this place of childhood as your eagerness to graduate pushes you right on through the door. It closes behind you. All of a sudden, the life you've always known is gone. You can never go back. Engraved in the other side of this wall, above the closed door is , "Your Childhood". What a sad thing to feel when you have time to think about it.

But then! Then you turn ahead. You want to look for the endless opportunities you saw from the other side of the wall. Almost instantaneously however, the BUTT-LOAD of crap FROM my childhood - emotional issues, hurts, unforgivenesses, angers, etc etc, get dropped RIGHT IN FRONT of me as a mountain of things I just need to get over. Hello, adulthood. Not so bright after all, is it? A sense of hopelessness crowds my heart at this point. That's right, it doesn't go away.

I DON'T see where I'm supposed to be going AFTER all.

Fast forward 2 years. Here I am. The Lord has brought me up out over the wilderness of that place and for the first time in a very long time, there is a hope that I can physically see in my life and it is on a whooole new plain in my heart. I have known a refining process I wonder how many people have ever gone through - not to ever elevate myself but rather, to praise the Lord for His faithfulness for bringing me up out of a place that only He can elevate someone from!

Here I am.

I felt stuck in my job, stuck in my community, stuck with no avenue in which to grow in my passions just darn right - STUCK.

But the Lord knew this place was good for me. For it was in this place of being "stuck" that the Lord planned to show me my FIRST ministry was Him.

And as I became content in this new revelation, things began to happen. I was OFFERED a new job out of the blue. One that would NOT ONLY provide a true sabbath day for me (which I had been praying for, for about 9 months or so) but would ALSO provide evenings that I would begin to need - first, for rest, and second, for what would be to come.

AND - I was getting paid the same amount for these great bank hours, as I was working about 50ish hours a week between 2 part time jobs.

Praise God for His faithfulness in my finances!!

Then things began to happen: A small group was going on, Thursday nights. I had been PRAYING for a small group to join in on at my church, and this was it! ThEN, openings began to be available to become involved on the worship teams. And a friend approached me to join a team of worship leaders for children's ministry to lead once or twice within a few months time. (and one of my greatest joys was leading children into the throne room of God.)

ThEN!! An opening for youth ministry happened, but I actually didn't know it was available because, (How awesome is God's timing?) when I finally felt a releasing to express my interest with being involved with the youth, I was actually told that there was a new NEED for exactly what I had to offer. AWESOME.

And then, in the process of helping get my sibs involved with the youth ministry, I was directed to the Cleveland House of Prayer.


Ahhhhh..

Since I've been at the HOP, friendships have broken out, and I'm being surrounded by people who in one way or another, hold me accountable to the Word and encourage me to continue pressing in, on a regular basis. The biggest thing I'm being taught is: Meditation on the word of God. I've NEVER been so opened up to the heart of the Lord as I have been just making time, whether 10 minutes or an hour and a half, just THINKING about ONE scripture and turning it over and over in my head. I love it and my love for His word grows by the day. As an intern at a church before, I used to be intimidated by the scripture because I wanted to read it all but didn't even really know where to start and when I DID start, I felt discouraged that I wouldn't be able to learn all thee is to learn. Well that and, ALSO because I have a hard time memorizing. BUT when I meditate on it, memorization isn't at all difficult! hah! Amen!


But I ALSO love my Vineyard community as well! And what a blessing it is then, when my friends begin to show at the HOP and like it themselves, then! I'm so excited about what God is doing there.

I know He wants me to go between the 2 and learn significant things in both places.


One of the biggest BIGGEST things that the Spirit has been opening me up to right now, is missions. Being a missionary. A local missionary. All of my life. There is nothing I want more, actually. Where ever it is that the Lord wants me to go, I want to be a missionary. And God has been teaching me that I AM or that I SHOULD be right where I am!

But NOW I KNOW people who ARE doing that, and its their life JOB.

You know what I see?

Very regular, normal people, living life on the most extravagant, extraordinary level.

They have hearts to be a VOICE crying out for the City of Cleveland, on their knees or in reaching out, and they are not famous. But they make the Lord Jesus Christ the most famous One of all.

I'm blown away by this lifestyle as it is what I'd always expected for my own life, but never got to see it actually DONE. What a cool thing, guys.

My reason for the glass wall story is that, I AM on a journey.

I used to explain that sometimes I feel its not the greatest idea to date someone late high schools years and early right out of high school because, you tend to go down the road that that person is being called to, not necesarely your OWN. At least, the Lord showed me this about my own relationship at the time.

His wisdom was, "wait until you're ON the road I have for you to be on, and I will bring others along to walk beside you."


That road - that pathway that I had been waiting for God to direct me to - this is it. I'm on it. I am begining to see where I'm going, AND I'm begining to see what God is doing to take me there.


Its a very cool experience.


:)

My Ending Thoughts to 2008's Conclusion.

To begin with, the 3 pictures directly above what I'm writing seem to sum up my life in the last year.
A weeping willow tree - weeping, beautiful, strong.
a dancer - I have this one on my dresser - this little thing so very clearly identifies with my heart before the Lord, especially this last year.
And the exhausted, sobbing angel. If I could picture my spirit, it might've looked something like this....



Sometimes I wish I wasn't so curious about how people are doing all the time because I'm usually dissapointed.

A wise woman told me all my life, "Sarah, don't put your trust in people. People will ALWAYS let you down. Put your trust in Jesus. He never ever changes."

The same woman also told me all my life, "Sarah, you were never meant to fit in. You were always made to stick out. Thats a gift!!"


Two very profound statements that have surrounded my life like a swarm of bees around their hive.

Always happening. Always moving. ALWAYS relevant.


What a deep, wounded year for me.

2008.

Fold after fold of pain upon pain, attack upon personal attack.

A moment in life where I was made to count it all loss for the sake of the Cross.

The cross I would bare.


I don't think I've cried so bitterly in my life, as I have in this phase of these long and yet so shortly lived 12 months.
I don't think I've been so lonely. I don't think I've been so slain within my heart.
I don't think I've ever seen a more broken heart then mine. I guess you could try to compare it to one I saw breaking on the church steps a few years ago, inbetween services, as she learned her boyfriend had died. But I don't think you can. This heart desires deeply to do the will of God. It has been seasoned, even if just a little. This agony I dare say, may go much deeper. I may have kissed the agony of Christ. Shared with Him in His dispare. In His batrayal. His best friend betrayed Him for silver - for the religious leaders. The "Church". His other friend denied he ever knew Him 3 times, after he so loudly and boldly stated he would follow Him even unto death. I have known such betrayal, even if just a fraction. But even to the small extent I have endured, the pain was 10 times worse.

Why, Lord?


A very simple cry, I have indeed begged Him.


"To watch with Me for an hour, Child."


A deep, ingrained answer to the very core of my being. I know why. Because I am His. A true disciple. He will take me on a Journey that He Himself has gone.
And, there will be moments of ministry that will need a tear-stricken revelution. A conlusion made with the most needy of hearts - the testimonies I bear.


Forgiveness.

This is soo so new to me. I forgive easily when someone admits they're wrong.
Its easy, isn't it?

But what if they think they're right? What if they don't care? What if they take joy in hurting you or if they put you in a place where YOU have to explain EVERYTHING when its nothing you can fix and its nothing that you did?

Seven times, Lord?


"No Child, Seventy times Seven. Keep Going, dear One."


Sobs.

I have never been so strained in this place before. Give grace when all you feel is hate? I admit, I am more angry at injustice and being accused wrongly then I am of the actual offence itself. I am angry of the actions that proceed the supposed "clearing up" of an issue.

Its so WRONG!

BUT.


God is God, and vengance is His.

Let forgiveness flow.

I am a hypocrite. I have unforgiveness in my soul. It runs in my vains into my very torn up heart. I have been so very very wounded.
I mean, really, theres a well inside of me thats bursting and I don't know how to just let it go. But I WANT to let it go. I want to cry until I'm free.

I think thats the point. This is where God wants me.

Where I am in a place where I'm not in charge.
I WANT to do the right thing, and the rest of it, I'm not in control of.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Bring her into the wilderness
And speak kindly to her.
"Then I will give her her vineyards from there,
And the valley of Achor as a door of hope
And she will sing there as in the days of her youth...
And it shall be, in that day,”
Says the LORD, “ That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’
And no longer call Me ‘My Master'".

Hosea 2:14-16

I am a broken bride.

I have given my heart away to so many things - I've been a harlot of sorts.

Yet He called me here.
Blessed year of 2008.
A right to womanhood.
A passageway through which I become intimate with Him.
A place where I will not only sing as I did in the days when I first met Him, but I will be redeemed because I have lost so much innocence.

Every tear, God told me, He knows what exactly its for. He knows the reason for it.
I must have had so many unspoken, unformed reasons this year.

But one thing I've learned more then anything this last year is: I NEED Him. I NEED Jesus. He's MORE than enough for me. He IS my Love. He IS my life. He FILLS my desires. He quenches my thirsts. Every word that proceeds from His mouth is better then mere bread. His love is better then wine. Nothing can satisfy the void that only He can fill.
Friends can't fill it, boyfriends can't fill it, my dreams can't fill it, my music can't fill it, WORDS can't fill it, my ego can't fill it. Nothing can!

I am poor. I am in deed. My spirit is quiet, poor, humbled. Faithful.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs in the Kingdom of God."

Heh. These people have the kingdom of God. What a witness. What a way to draw all men unto Himself.


The Vineyard. A place where I worked hard. Dark but lovely. But Jesus said to me, "Martha, Martha, Martha."
And I knew, the Vineyard was not my ministry. Jesus was. And when I began to touch that concept the most amazing thing happened in my heart: a Garden began to flurish, full throttle.

"And He will give her her vineyards from there"...


So very cleverly thought, that I go to a Vineyard church now.
Growing friendships, endless possibilites.
A new job.
Light at the end of the tunnel?

I don't know. I'm too busy staring at the Center of my life to pay attention to that. Everything just.... comes together in chaotic unision to revolve around this thing called God's Love.

"And all of a sudden, I am unaware of the afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great You're affections are for me."



A new year is the most exciting thing that could happen for me right now.

To leave it all behind and press on.

"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,
and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith,
that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death;
in order that I mayattain to the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.
Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. "

philipians 3:8-12




Its one of my most favorite things Paul ever said.


And I will end this entry with that.


Not that I've been made perfect, but this I know, forgetting those things which are behind, I press on towards the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

So let it be done, in Jesus Name.




I love you, dear brothers and sisters. Thank you for reading.

Political Awareness for The Church

Elliot Gaiser on the Government of the United States of America: a Fellow Believer's View.










I just want to make it clear that I completely endorse Elliot's view and agree with him souly. If you have issues with my political view, then so be it. But I'm not afraid to speak up about important issues. The people of America should be informed of their roots. AND the CHURCH should not be ignorant. This generation can make a difference if WE know that we can decide what kind of government we should talorate.

I laughed because the truth is, I really AM a sinner without Christ!!

I would like to insert something I wrote to a friend on our blog this time last year, into this one. The truth is startling and absolutely full of laughter for its truth. I busted out and laughed at myself!

God is showing me the pride I sensed in myself but was never mature enough to face OR understand HOW to because it was so great and deep within myself.

I mean really? before, I would admit that I'm screwed up, but somehow get this twisted idea that there was no point to have to repent ABOUT it because you would screw up again anyway and why would God want you to do THAT if you didn't mean it?

So God has in a process actually said to me, "So you say you're screwed up."

"Yes" I say. "I am Definitely screwed up."
"Then you need to repent every day."
"Why? I'll just screw up again."
"Thats why I say my mercies are renewed every morning."
"But if I repent everyday that would mean..."
"that would mean that you screw up everyday..."
".....................wow................"
"Shocker isn't it?"
"........................wow................."
"You aren't perfect, are you?"
"..............wow.............you're right. I'm not............"
"Thats why you need it EVERY MORNING."
".....................wow....................I do!..........."



And so I have finally realized that I always held myself to a standard of perfection which in itself is an imperfect standard... and expected myself to be perfect and got so ashamed of myself if I did something IMperfect. But now I'm being broken down. And all of a sudden... I'm beginning to know my place. that place is, though I have a right to my own thoughts, I have no right to judge. I have no rights, period.



ah.



I'm tired.

I would be tired too, if I had just come up with that!

be reminded, had laugh! We think we're perfect, but the truth is, we think we're perfectly screwed up and we're really not! we're just... screwed up.

Praise the Lord that we are! I would be worried if we weren't!



So here's my next new song that I just finished today.

Enjoy and ask me to do it for you some time!

The Cry of a Sinner
By Sarah F. G-----
7/3/08-7/9/08

Sometimes I forget that this is not my home
Sometimes I forget that I’m not alone
And sometimes I forget that I’m alive
When all I’ve known comes crashing down before my very eyes

And this is my binding creed
This is what makes me, what breaks me

Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.

There’s no sense on dwelling on what is gone
Nor in wishing what’s true isn’t true.
So let my hope rise with the wind that blows my hair in my face
And whisk me off to the now of a new day

But this is my binding creed
This is what makes me, what breaks me

Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.

Life happens to all of us, you and me
But it all happens for a reason
So let my bitterness roll away with the stone from His grave
And let me rise with the Son who saves [it’s a new day]

And this is my victory
This is what makes me free

Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.

God I thank you for my circumstances. Its what the most beautiful perfumes of worship come from, what my most lovely fall comes from. I know that someday I'll see the whole picture and I'll see it through your eyes. But today I recognize that I am but human, and that I do feel loss and pain and betrayal and rejection. I feel hurt. Thank you Jesus for your gift of emotions. Here is my offering to you. Here is my praise for all you've cleaned out of my life... and out of my closet. Praise you Jesus. You are my sweet song. I love you.

True Influence...

So last night was my last night at cornerstone chapel. My heart ached, my eyes cried. But it was one last, sad look on the place of, really, my spiritual youth.

I grew up in the way I should go, there.

But, though God is at work in the place where I've spent so much of my life, He's on to a new thing with me.


I scanned the place where I led worship so many times for so many different people. I took in the carpet that held so many of my tears as I sought some floor space.
I looked at the corner where I sat and prayed for so many people.
I sat in the chairs I never actually sat in very much because I was always in the sound booth running the computer or sound...

And I watched as my pastor - the one who showed me how to lead and pastor as I do now, get on his knees and wash both the new youth pastor and the new youth directors' feet.

I watched as 3 of the strongest men in my life openly wepped, being humbled in so many different ways.

I saw Jesus.


And so, as I took all of this in, I couldn't help but wonder - what sort of legacy did I leave?

None but a few people talked to be as I spent my last Wednesday watching everything go on around me.
I'm sure many have their opinions of me and my choice to leave. I'm sure many are glad. But then there were a few people, surprising as it was, whom I never knew would hug me with tears in their eyes and thank me...

My heart is overwhelmed with a sadness, a love, and a need to continue forward.
I loved these people. I still do. In so many ways I pastored them... as did all the rest of the youth leaders.

But God gave me charge over the 6th grade girls this year, thanks to Pastor Mark, and those girls were MY girls. :)

I grew so much as I taught them as best I could what God has been showing me. I probably grew more then they did.
But one thing I know... it meant more then anything to me when they each gave me hugs as I watched them deal in their own way with the fact that I wouldn't be there again.

Some were silly and acted normal.

Then there were just a few... just a few who sadly looked at me through those beautiful little eyes of theirs and told me they'd miss me and couldn't stop hugging me.

God!

THAT is God.

I could never have loved those girls the way I did without God's love... and that Love He first loved me with.

They mean soo much to me. Heh, no matter what I was going through each week, they were a constant reminder that I needed to just look past myself and my problems for a while to see the beauty of the Lord in each little heart as I listened to THEIR problems.


Influence.

11 years old and the Lord revealed Himself to me. I was 12 years old when He encountered me with His Spirit. 13 when I started thinking about missions. I was 14 when I knew I'd follow Him into the ministry. 16 when I began to lead worship. 18 When I began to truly pursue ministry as a life job... All of which Pastor Mark has only encouraged and helped develope as time went on. Now here at 19, the Lord thinks its time to move MY influencer on. He thinks I'm ready to be without him.

I think of how much Pastor Mark influenced my life... How much his life - the way he lived it, impacted mine.

And then I think of how for just the short amount of essential time I may have influenced these blossoming young women. What will they remember so many years down the line that may have impacted them?

I pray it was Jesus they saw.
I pray that the way I lived MY life, the way I conducted myself, is something they will consider, and that in some strange way, they'd imitate my faith, just as I have been trying to imitate PM's.

I hope that this part of my life would line up with Hebrews 13:7 -

Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith.

I guess you could say that I'm blown away by all God continues to show me about how important it is to represent Jesus to the world.
But you can't just start with the world first.

You must start small. Start young. Start with what God gives you.
Its sort of like the promise of Abraham that we go by - God will multiply us. I may not see the fruits of my labor, but those girls may. Praise the Lord.

:)

What peace, to know that in His time, God makes all things beautiful?

As long as for me, that beauty is in producing fruit, It'll be worth all the heart ache.

It'll be worth every tear.

I stand humbled, but I stand none the less.

... so, God has really dealt with me since my last posting. Ultimately, if I want to call the "90%" out for what they're not doing, God thought I should probably know about those who ARE doing something of good cause. Not only did He show me some good BIG causes, but he also revealed the smaller ministries that are loving on people every day. Like the oaks family care center? Yeah, those people are loving on teen moms, homeless people and teens who just need a loving guide.

I am so totally humbled right now.

I suppose I get so passionate about things that I forget that there ARE people doing stuff!! there really are, and that if I'm going to bash things, I need to get going by supporting those who ARE doing good things... who are making a difference, both the small ministries and the big ones.


So I sit here in the intern office for the last time as an intern, today.
I feel.... like crying. So much has happened here... so much of my growth. The thing is though... no one really cares about how much I've grown here except me. Thats okay though. What scares the living daylights out of me is whats going to happen next.

For the last month I've been scared of what my life might hold after the internship, but its just been the last week that God has given me new hope: He WILL use me where He wants to, and guess what? I HAVE THE TIME TO BE USED now.

I feel like as I walk out of here, I'm walking away from a form of spiritual boot camp that I'll never want to go through again. Whether it means that it was my last stretch of true training before God throws me out there, I don't know. The last thing I ever want to believe though is that I've somehow arrived.

I know more then anything though that I haven't.

Hm.

I want to write songs again. I want to write poetry again. I want to be inspired. I AM being inspired every day! The problem? Its not coming out OUT!! It just keeps going in and my spirit, my heart, my soul keeps turning it over and over and over again, but nothing is coming from it yet. I hope more then anything that something absolutely lovely comes from this since, once again, I wait for something awesome to happen. Maybe though the thought of the day is: Am I supposed to MAKE it happen? Is the miracle not that its a new day but that I have another day to be better then yesterday?

Good question.


One thing I've been thinking about lately though is: I guess we'll figure it out. Today, I spend it with Christ. As long as thats the case, I'll be okay with whatever comes my way. Just don't take Him away.

I've never known Christ the way I do right now. I'm so blown away by the love I have for Him. I never knew I could love someone like this. My only real problem is trying to figure out how to love people the way He loves me. It takes SO MUCH EFFORT to love people the way Jesus does. Its so hard! Well... its not if they're lovable. I think the less you know about someone the easier it is to convince yourself that you love them like Christ. But the real challenge is when you know them deeper or better then before. The deal is that Jesus knows the parts of us that WE don't even know exist yet... and He loves us despite that. I can't even compose myself quick enough when someone is imperfect in front of me for the very first time!

I'm such a worm. but I'll quote Winston Churchill here, "We are ALL worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm."

I am a glowworm if I must be a worm.

But even God made the worms, and he provides for them. How much more does God love us then, being as we are human beings?

I cannot even fathom it. I cannot even fathom what is the width, the depth, the heighth, the VASTNESS of His love for us. I guess it'll be a life-long learning experience to love people the way Jesus loves us. I hope to love on HIM a little more like He loves by the end of my little life.


I love Him.


Nothing can compare to what I have with Him after this crazy 10 months of wishing I never had to come back to the church; of crying myself to sleep at night; of struggling with God to forgive again, for today.

I walk away from this place more a woman then I've ever been before, and more a child then I will ever be in later years. I hope to grow younger as I embrace the joy set before me to endure any trial...

I just wonder that I'm not walking away with more than I think I am. I bet God has instilled in me more then I realize right now.

But one thing I did get out of this: I questioned whether I was truly called to full-time ministry or not.
I truly questioned it and I've concluded after much pain, many tears, several hard-knocks and a few trying doubts that, YES. God has called me more then ever before. I could not be satisfied any other way but then to give my life to further the Kingdom of God through any sort of ministry God calls me to.

I don't know. I hope my writings can go into a time of simply desperate pursuit of God and true poetry of the soul.

sigh.


until next time...

O Tree where art thou Fruits?

The Stand still.

That's where I am right now.

I'm at the stand still.


I mean, I'm not standing still in anything.... my relationship with God, every day that goes by, my jobs, the intern program... everything keeps going and coming to a slow, quick end. Well, the things that mean the most to me, that is. So much change. I'll be ending the intern program in less then 2 weeks. Its so weird that something that stretched me so much, something that I once was so excited to begin, something that was a whole 10 months, is now coming to an end.

But so much is coming to an end.

My time as a youth leader.
my time as a worship leader at Blast, the Race AND Contact.
My time as an intern.
My time at Cornerstone?

I'm not sure.

But one thing I DO know is, God offered me so many options. I was so confused until I realized He was just looking for a willingness to do ANY one of them for Him!
And when I was willing, God spoke to my heart. In the midst of all the transition at the church, in the midst of what seems to be my EMERGING into the calling of God on my life, in the midst of so much opportunity for ministry work!... would I step down if He were to ask me?

I do not remember the moment this happened. But I do know it happened. And I also know that at that moment, God allowed me to be guided by His peace, because He had offered me the option He wanted me to take, and He knew that if I was listening, I would follow.

And so here I am.


Honestly?


I'm terrified that I have no hold on my life.

A friend said to me, "you know why God asked you to step down and out? Its because you've put all your trust in your 'call' into ministry for your future instead of God." maybe that's not the exact words she said... but that's exactly how I heard it.

She is right.

I've never thought that maybe God wanted something different for my life other than "full-time ministry" as I knew it.

But, here is my hope and peace: as I've decided to step down, God has put in my heart a calling stronger then EVER to full-time ministry.
The difference? It might be to something totally and completely different then what I thought full-time ministry meant.


Now, I need to wait.

argh. I'm bad at waiting. I mean, I'm good at it for a little while, but then I get antsy after a while and by the time the waiting period is pulling through full-term, I usually have myself near convinced that I'm going to die from not doing anything.

But here's a very very valid thing: dude, you're not supposed to just wait around while you're waiting. You're supposed to create a JESUS CULTURE. You're supposed to create an environment around you. You're supposed to create something with what you've got.

Hello?! The parable of the servant and the talents? We're not supposed to bury the moment God gave us and wait for Him to give us another OR to come back! We're supposed to DO something with it!

SO many times I listen to people talk, talk, talk about how we need a revolution. How we need people on fire for God. How if people were REAL believers, the atmosphere would be different, there would be a mass difference in our culture.

And you know what I see? NOTHING. Talk, talk, talk and book after book after book, but NOTHING.

People read those books and go, "wow, that is soo true! That was good." But you see absolutely NO fruits. None. And this is uniform throughout our country from those who live a normal every day life to those who title themselves preachers, pastors, evangelists, and ministers.

And then I get challenged, "well you can't make that generalization, Sarah. You can't say that."

Oh YES I can.

Statistics say that 90% of Americans call themselves Christians. 90%!

The Bible says that we are not to be judgemental, but that we DO need to judge good from evil and discern the spirits AND tell a good tree by its good fruit and a bad tree by its BAD fruit OR by no fruit at ALL, like the fig tree Jesus cursed!

People who aren't Christians aren't to be judged by the standards God has set for us. They don't count here. Why? Because they don't count themselves as that 90%. Thank God for a LITTLE honesty here!

WE'RE counting the 90% of "Christians" in America.

The Bible says if 1 person can slay (or reach) 1000 that 2 people can slay (or reach) 10,000.

So, if this is true, we should see an increase of Fruits of that by 9000%.

Ministries and Churches couldn't be started QUICK enough to hold all the followers and believers! in 2005 a Bible software company took a survey to see what the percentage of users were missionaries. it was about 13%.

Now, if 13% of ALL Christians in America were just missionaries, do you know what kind of IMPACT that would have on our WORLD ALONE?!

I think its safe to say that the Church in America isn't doing their job.

Fewer and fewer young people ever come back to the churches let alone study to be ministers or pastors.

according to statistics done by Battle Cry, just 3% of all American students will be evangelical Christians in the up-coming generation.




That sucks.


So you know what? I'm not going to let the Church misrepresent Jesus Christ this way.

God asked me to wait on Him.
But He never made me an exception to His call for us to be His witnesses in all of our Jerusalem's, Judea's, Samaria's and to the ends of the earth!

Or how about our Niniva's? The places you don't want to go or be?

Guess what! I don't want to just stay here!

But God wants me to wait.

And so I will.

But I'm creative. If He wants me to wait, then this is a test of what I'm going to do with this waiting period of my life. Will I prove myself faithful and give it back to Him doubled? He gives me something that seems like nothing, but if I just be myself, I'll make it into something and isn't that twice as great as what it was before?

God never calls us to be dormant.

Never.


In fact, it has been said that satan's greatest deception is Christianity as it America knows it - lukewarm, boring, dull and the eqivilant of a spiritual Kansas - dry, seemingly fruitless and plain, but a necessary way to get to Colorado from Ohio. :-p


Thats not a true believer's walk, by any stretch.

Kansas isn't anyone's dream spot to live, and neither is it very pleasant to kiss dry, crackling lips.


A true Follower's life should be ample with Joy, green from the Holy Spirit who's called the water to every part of the soul. It should be full of trees of life, and of all the fruits of the spirit.
YES, there WILL be weeds and prickle bushes and trees that don't bear fruit or even bear BAD fruit at times, but God works those OUT of our lives! He really, really does; if we let Him weed them.

When we allow God to be everything to us, all of a sudden we don't need to force ourselves to be witnesses. we ARE a walking, showing, talking witness! Notice how I said showing? It'll be SO EVIDENT that Jesus is you're center beCAUSE you're so full of Him that you're messy - you spill Him EVERYWHERE! When you walk, you leave Jesus-Love tracks. When you hug someone, you get Jesus all over them. Where you walk, you've taken back Holy ground!
The fruits of the spirit will be good and guess what? People will eat from them around you. You'll IMPACT them. You'll be planting seeds just because you can't help it, and esPECIALLY if people can't help but eat of the fruits!



Dormant Christianity? It stops here.

It stops with me. I'll either be hot or I'll be cold, but you can count me out if I'm going to be like puke in God's mouth.

I challenge the Church to do the same.


Are you in? Or are you out?


Simple as that, O 90%. Simple as that.

the most beautiful thing in the world...

...a worship service filled with a few hundred ppl, where the only musical instrument going is a guitar a strum here or there just to keep everyone on track as the leaders, the vocalists, the instrumentalists step back, arms stretching to the sky as the world seems to shake at the sound of the voices lifting in one sound unto a God whom people proclaim is unreal.


Let me tell you something... when you experience that passion, that deep call of praise as the deepest parts of 200 souls cries out to the deepest part of all infinite, YHWH, you would never be able to bring yourself to say that the God we serve isn't real, with a clean conscience.

It is THE SINGLE most beautiful thing of mass beauty to experience EVER.

The second most beautiful thing in the world is watching a person you've been pouring into GROW RAPIDLY in the Lord, as they GET IT. If there is something I LOVE about youth ministry, its when teens don't stray, they clinge to the cross.

OOOH man. What a blessed woman I am. At barely 19 years of age, I have experienced the true and most FULFILLING joy of ministry: seeing fruit, and fruit abundantly!

These things make me forget about myself. These things make me openly weep with joy, as I write this with tears filling my eyes to a point where all I can see is the blur of the pc screen.

I talked with my brothers both on different nights... and I finally was able to express my hurt over being called "Saintly Sarah" and my parents "Sucess Story". With tears I was able to share that you don't get refined like I am without a price. I know that Jesus paid the ultimate price, but I've also paid a price to be like Jesus. I've been through much pain. I've been through much anger. I've loved wholey, and I've been rejected entirely. Little things that made me a more beautiful person were expressed to my brothers as I was able to share encouragement on what they're going through because (though not situationally) I went through the same spiritual struggle they are (and may I add, continue to, each to a different degree and level.)

I think I gained respect and understanding from them, which weirdly enough is important to me. They are both younger then me, 16 and 14, and yet their understanding of who I am and why means much more then I thought it ever would. I love my family. I love them with all my heart. I hate many things about our dynamics, but its those very things that remind me how real they are... and how much they're grown in Jesus.

Words will never express how thankful I am for them. I'll miss them... very very much.

God knew I'd need my family.

I once told Him I hated them. I hated being apart. I hated being the oldest. I hated everything about them.

7 years later... (what a beautiful number) ... I'm saying the most oposite, most wonderful and real thing:

I love them. I think I need to tell God that more often. I love being apart, though I know its time for me to follow God out into His will for my life. I LOVE being the oldest, though it hurts to know that the younger my siblings go, the less involved I'll be with them, and that hurts like.... I don't know. I regret the inevitable. I love most everything about them. Their loudness, their REALness. They're "THEMness". I don't think I express my thankfulness enough for them. I need to tell God that more often.

I will.



until then, my heart is longing for a beautiful old place where I hope the Lord sends me... ywam is looking like a lovely orginization! I'm praying for a true releasing to go there.

I hope I'm released. Maybe I'm just waiting for the nudge.

Dear Lord, NUDGE ME!

After the Twenty First Time, Its time I got my hands dirty.

There's a song that has really impacted me a lot lately. Every time I hear it, it blows me away.

Monk & Neagle - The Twenty-First Time

Nowhere to live, nowhere to fall
He used to have money, but he’s wasted it all.
His face is a photograph burned in my mind,
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He sleeps under stars, that’s all he can afford
His blanket’s an old coat he’s had since the war
He stands on the corner of Carter and Vine
But I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He may be a drifter, he’s grown old and gray
But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

She’s twenty-nine but she feels forty-eight
She can’t raise three kids on minimum wage
She’s cryin’ in back of the welfare line
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

She may be a stranger tryin’ to get through the day
but what if it’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

This is a call for a change in my heart
I realize that I’ve not been doin’ my part
when I needed a Savior, I found it in Him
He gave to me, now I’ll give back to them

Drifter or stranger, father or son
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time

This song hits me hard in that... we SAY we love poeple. We SAY we're doing our best to be Jesus' hands and His feet...

but then, What are we like inside our hearts? What thoughts do we entertain in our brains?

Does it seem like you turn away and ignore whats going on around you, for the twenty first time?

You want to know why 21 is so important?

it means that 3 TIMEs, we as the body had 7 opportunties to be Jesus to the world.

and 3 times 7, we ignore the tug of the Holy Spirit.

the part that gets me about this song is that it can relate to us as idividuals, OR as the Body of Christ in one person. What the body does is what we do. We're His Bride. We are One Body.

So figuratively speaking, the Body has turned and looked the other way, rather then to get their hands dirty with someone else's sin.

How many times does the Lord get His hands dirty with our sins.

How many sins did he bear on the cross.

How many times did He hurt because of us,

and yet we think we're too high above to "stupe down the their level".

How many times do you think Jesus could have had that attitude... that He's too high above us to stupe down to our level?
How many times do we forget who God is and who He's call us to be?

We sing along to Hands and Feet by Audio Adrenaline. But what have we done besides say the words and go on with our lives?

Do you know that the band couldn't just write the song and do the same?

They had to LIVE IT OUT AFTER THAT.
They couldn't just be hypocritical. They started an orginization. They WENT places. They did THINGs. They got down and dirty and made a difference.

"But they're a band!" you say. "They can DO that stuff!"

So?

I'm a worship leader. Does that qualify me any less?

I'm a girl who loves Jesus. Does THAT qualify me any less?

I can't write this and not try to make a difference.

Can you read this and not be convicted to do the same?

I dare you to follow Jesus and be the outcast he's called us all to be with Him.

I'll try my best to be a voice in the dessert as the personality that I am and proclaim, "prepare ye the way of the Lord!"

In the name of Jesus so let it be done.

How fanatical are YOU willing to be?


Or are you even willing?