Restore Me, Restore Others

Its been a while since I've actually posted an actual blog entry.
Mostly this is due to being busy and growing through a lot of changes in my life.

Has anyone ever seen crazy restorations happen when you least expect it - right out of the blue?

This is what my life is encountering right now.

I'm watching some major rifts in relationships be mended - so much and in such a way that it has left me spiritually with my jaw dropped.  I could NEVER have imagined the kind of faithfulness that the Lord is showing me in the life of my family.

Let me explain.

The Lord and I have interesting conversations and there are a few in which a moment is defined by a memorial snapshot for God to bring out later.  Such was the conversation that I had RIGHT  before the biggest fall out my family has ever experienced happened.

We had just changed churches, and my family was in a shambles.  I knew that we needed the Lord's help because it seemed that a lot was falling apart in our family and there was no one who was safe enough to be there for us in that time.
God and I had this conversation where I consulted Him about the entire situation and I was as serious as I could be for a 19 year old.
I said, "Lord, I don't even care anymore how much it hurts, whatever it takes, help us.  Heal my family."
Those 2 words formed into a desperate prayer, "help us!" were more on my lips than any other.

It wasn't too long before some of the biggest secrets came out that were both shocking and mortifying.  Who were these people I called  my siblings?!  None of us had even a clue until that long 4th of July night, 3 years ago.  Never had we experienced so much emotion, so much anger, so much hurt, so much heartbreak in small amount of time.  It was wrecking.

I remembered my prayers, and I didn't understand.
But the Lord was faithful.  He reminded me that in order to help us, He had to clean things out.

Fast forward 3 years and individually, a few us have begun to heal in our own way.  Restoration, we thought at this point was a far off hope.
But it wasn't.

A relationship which has had problems from the get go was restored on an ordinary Friday night at a bonfire AND as of tonight, my parents are meeting with another person who was a major part of the fall out with our family stuff in the first place.

And still, I cannot forget my prayer, "God help us!"

Three years seems like a long time in high school.  But it ends up being faster than one could imagine as you go into your twenties.
Before you know it, 3 years can be planned for without a problem.

Looking back on the last 3 years, I don't see all that God has been orchestrating in our lives. Who knows even now?  But all of a sudden, something has shifted, and its time to make amends.  Beautiful isn't it?
One day, you wake up and no longer feel resentment towards a person who you've been trying to forgive for years.  In fact, you almost feel - love.

Why?


God is faithful.

So here's what I've been thinking.  Its a lie to think we get to where we're going in our own abilities and our own strengths.  Its only when we find the ugly end of ourselves that we begin to actually move forward and beyond ourselves in the first place.

Yeah, some people prosper for a short time even in their wickedness.  But as for me?  As for those of  US who are following Jesus?  We are blessed among men.

"Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.  They are brought to their knees and fall but we rise and stand firm. " - Psalm 20:7-8

Titles, pedestals and man-made positions fade.  One cannot take their college degrees into eternity.  At some point none of that can help you if you don't have favor among men.

But we - we are blessed among men because we have favor with God.

"God, help us."

Desperation.  Deliberation.  Down-right dependent on God being good.
That is what it comes down to.

"3 years" has broken any notion I had that I was in control.   What, was I in control of my emotions? My feelings? My friends?  My family?  My life? My job? My church?

ALL of it came crashing down.
What then, am I left with?  A confused, finite mind - a pride that will fight truly unto its death.

But God.  (What a wonderful phrase - but God .)

But God was answering my prayer.

Only God can help my family at the lowest and highest points.  Everything and everyone else is dispensable.
It comes down to trusting in the good name of the Lord our God.

Same is true for me: only God can really help me.

I've personally been going through a season where I'm allowed to feel EVERYthing for what its worth.
My entire life I've been told I'm oversensitive and so my entire life I've been trying so hard not to feel my emotions to the fullest that they are.  Stuffing all that makes for one angry person - someone who controls themselves impeccably until something sets them off.  But God has been hacking into all of that and I'm able to finally forgive for real.

I'm allowed to be fully angry and I'm allowed to be ecstatically excited.  I'm allowed to!  But that also means that I've got to face the feelings of deep longings, disappointments and even dare to... hope.

No man can help me here.  Only God.  But God.
And He is.  So I'm becoming free.

Free to express, free to share, free to NOT share.  Free to love.  Free to be just ... me.  Not have to worry about people telling me that I feel too much, that I AM too much and that I'm not good enough.
God is my help.  The Spirit is the Heart Changer even in our most wretched state.

Praise the Lord and thanks be to the most High God!  And because He is the Heart Changer, I'm free to finally offer grace to those who have fully betrayed trust.  How can I not when I'm finally beginning to understand how much forgiveness has been bestowed upon me?

"God, help us."

He is a good, good God, guys.  He scares me.  His unpredictable ways undo me.
But He's good and He loves His kids.

Today I visited a friend's church and the word that stuck out in the prayer time was "Restore".
Talking about how restoring doesn't just mean to put something back in its place, but to put something back in its place and abundantly more.  This is the story of my heart right now:  Restoration.

Here are the lyrics to one of my all time favorite vineyard songs:

Restore Me
Michael Flowers
Have mercy on me my unfailing love
Have mercy on me, Redeemer
Please open my eyes
My soul now set free
To surrender

Create in me a pure heart oh God
Renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away
From your presence oh Lord
Cast me not away

Restore me with joy from heaven
Restore me to sing Your praise
Restore me restore others
To follow Your ways

Come breathe on me now
Oh life-giving wind
Come breathe on me now, Redeemer
You’re looking for hearts broken and contrite
Look with favour
Look with favour
Look with favour 

Absence of Words... a glorious.... most torturous resort.

So there are both funny things and serious things going on in my mind right now. I guess I'll start with funny cause I want time to write about the stuff that is more thoughtful.


First!!! THIS is funny:

1. "I'm your biggest fann!!!!!!!1!1!1!!1111!!!!!ONE!!!11!!!!11!!!!one!!!!"

2. "OF COURSE I know enough about Hawaii to be a tour guide! “This is a beach. Flirt on it. This is the ocean. Flirt in it. Here are some palm trees. Flirt under them. This is your snazzy hotel room….I’ll let you two figure it out from here…That’ll be $10,000 plus a handsome tip.” And the rest I would just google a minute or two before the tour…" -MW

3. Its the Beaver's life for me... I just got damned things going on everywhere!
--my best friends grandma

4.Sharin: YOU are full of bologna, Sarah.
Sarah:....... no, *pause*...I'm full of guts!


5."Steak makes everything better. After all, if we're eating animals, then we're not eating people. And if we're not eating people... thats a good thing!" - Me (yes, I occasionally find myself funny)


6.I saw a man pursuing the horizon;
Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this;
I accosted the man.
"It is futile," I said,
"You can never -"
"You lie," he cried,
And ran on.
- Stephen Crane



7."...you may find me fat, but you will find me, very easily, you will find me." -- part of a poem out a cute "101 poems to get you through the day" sort of book I looked at in Barnes and Nobles

8.Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. - Miss Piggy



9. When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap. - Cynthia Heimel (not entirely what I would call funny, but since this seems to be the the theory of my life, I thought it fit well.)

10. I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Theresa (oh, to relate to the complaints in many of us. hehe. I chuckled at this one.)



And just so you know, many were copied and pasted. I wouldn't go through the trouble of writing these out here as my little coffee shop hang out will be closing soon. Some of these sayings seem to sum up my life and its pretty funny. What else can you do? Nothing. I'm probably one of the most awkward people I'll ever know. The grand part of all of this? Here's seriously the secret: I pretend like I MEAN to be awkward all the time so that it doesn't make any difference when I really DO feel absolutely awkward.


Misfit.

I've been thinking alot about this word lately.

I really am one, aren't I?
I mean, I've known this for quite a while. But I guess you get reminded when you're submitted into a new clan of people.

So I was talking to some girls about some of what I believe. I don't know, its great to hang out but you don't really know them until you get to.. well... know them.

I'm a misfit.

Hah, I was talking about how I think I may scare some guys in small group and I don't know but something was said that made me think a little.

Maybe I'm a "little too much for guys but you know, in a good way."

AHha. The age old phrase in my head. No one's ever actually said that to me, before now. Well, in no particular terms, I've been sort of told that all my life. I'm too much to handle (hello, and who gave anyone permission to handle me?) I've got too big of a personality, too big of a laugh. Too intense. Too bold. Too upfront. I give too much away of who I am.
I'm too deep sometimes. Too much. OR or, here's the other one, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough, not pretty enough not smart enough not womanly enough not girly enough not tomboyish enough just... not enough.
But mostly its that I'm too much.

Now I understand that God is just totally moving me around for which I am quite grateful! To not initiate everything all the time, including pursuing the desires I have for full time ministry.

I need to let God do it all in His time and I need to do what He has me to do NOW, and He'll bring the opportunity as it comes, but I'm not to MAKE it happen.

Too much though...

I know it wasn't meant to hurt me, but I guess it just hit me in a really deep place some where that goes back to the time where I was about 8... "Sarah, you laugh too much. AND really loud. Its just too much." hah, I remember that first "too much" very very well. I was 8 or 9. I'm nearly 20 and I still check myself to make sure I'm not laughing too much or too loud.

I KNOW that's not how God sees it, I really do! But this is just a different sort of thing. Its a place where, along with my difficult acceptance of being a misfit, has been something I've faced all my life.

Too much.



But then I'm filled with peace.


Right here, is where Jesus meets me.

He knew so much. He saw so much. He WAS too much for everyone to handle.
Who can handle God? No man.

He never fit in, in fact, He brought other misfits to fit in with Him.
Do you know - this is a hard concept for a child to get their head around. I was no exception. How do you tell your kid who can't make friends ANYwhere that God has called them to stick out? I'm not sure you can. My mom used to tell me all the time that I shouldn't try to fit in, but she didn't understand either when I cried and cried in her arms when I came home from an event.

I wonder if Jesus felt that way as a child. I wonder if He wondered if there was something wrong with Him? My childhood is a memory. I remember being brilliantly creative. I have since then become much more dull. But oh, I was a cool kid. I just wish I could have been able to come along myself really, the things I could tell myself! The hugs I would give... I would cry great tears as I held this child.

I wonder if thats why Jesus came. So that He could reach the misfits. I think thats it. I think I just hit it on the head. He became a man because He wanted to show us that - oh, the hugs He would give. Oh the great tears He cries as He holds each child. And then I wonder, even then did He hold me? Do His tears change for my age? I hope not. I think He knew who I'd become. And I think that's why He can love us no more then He already does - because He KNOWS us. When He knew me at 3, saying yes to Jesus in my baby voice, He knew the same me at 18, saying yes to Him again. When He knew my wholly romantic heart at 15, He knew me when I will be 56, fully enthralled, hopefully, in the Love of God.

The misfit, through and through.

I went to Ihop Cleveland last Saturday and 2 young women approached me and asked me if they could pray for me.

Then they began to speak of me being called to be a voice in the wilderness, making ready the people of God.
SLAM. My heart broke. That's it. That's why I'm here. I'm SUPPOSED to be on the outside.

Something else, as well here - People will be drawn to the wilderness because of who I am - the "too much" that apparently I have is exactly the thing God wants to use to draw people unto Himself.

The grand thing of it all? These girls told me that I need to remember though, that I can't worry about moving the hearts of man. Another slam. I knew this was for me.

I just need to worry about moving the Heart of God - because that is my greatest glory - His Love for me. And He'll do everything else.

God, thats AMAZING. You know? He DESIRES all that is too much for man, because it wasn't MEANT for man. It was meant for God - and all of a sudden, my "too much" becomes exactly His portion from me. Its all that He desires. Its enough for God.


crap, guys!




We've been getting wrong for so long!!

BINGO

And as I was this Day

By Sarah Faithy, Early to mid 2005

Here I stand in happy gaze, the days are far not few
The sun is in my best, and the leaves, they're for me too.
The clouds, they swell with joyous pride, embracing light-heart phase
and as I was this day, my soul strains to seek Your face.

A day and two I sat therein, as it weeped outside
convinced was I, the clouds exposed what hid behind my eyes.
wretched was the world I saw, through my welled up tears
mangled in my disposition, I thus gave you my cares.

Hitherto I fight myself - that is, besides my foe.
for verbal deeds will nay get done, lest action be bestowed.
My will - the flesh. Stubborn, must die, submitting to it's place
though battered for severe mistakes, my soul was given grace.

Emerged - I did. the Sun was gray, as I beckoned forth.
My frame - cloaked in humility - my heart the brightest source.
For therein dwelt my love, my God, to which all else grows dim.
And though victory be mine that day, my soul, it dwells in Him.

I wonder if I'm the only one who seems to prophecy stuff over my life as I grow. Its like I'll say something but Jesus knew it would mean something so much greater as time went on.

I wrote this poem in 2005 as well.... but I had noooo clue that it would actually mean that I'd truly go through each phase. I had believed I had before! But there's something new about looking back on the things God was showing me a few years ago. Its that He knew what He would have me walk through.

I have to say, this poem is what my heart sings right now. Things seem so great when you're on a mountain top, but as you stand there, everything seems below you, you know? And if, like me, you've never experienced the kind the valley that it takes to keep you humble when you get to the next mountain top, you'll probably, like I do so often times, forget that you really NEED Him.

There are struggles we all inevitably must deal with - me? At this point in the game of life, my struggles are in my head. What lies will I believe? What truths will I speak over myself? Will I remember that the way I feel does not define what is true and will not shake the Rock I stand upon?

WILL I let my feelings shake me?

Hah. No.

I've found myself feeling some of the same anxieties I felt ermmm... probably the beginning of 2006. I remember feeling like my time would never come and I remember feeling like I was losing grip of something. I felt like all hope was lost - and well hey! A friendship was put on hold. One I cared deeply about.

But I'm different now. And I remind myself of that. And you know? The enemy is REALLY GOOD about bringing the past into the "Now" experiences. He's really good at bringing you BACK to something you've walked faaar far away from.

And the knowledge of this WILL be the end of this attack.

I am NOT who I was. I'm different now.

AND the situations are NOT the same now, as they were then.

And!!! HERE is the greatest thing of all!

I am NOT my emotions and my emotions usually DON'T tell the truth. They REFLECT what IS true - and what IS true is that I'm being reminded of the things that no longer ARE in my life and THAT must stop.

That right there is an amazing revelation if someone can wrap themselves around it... because I never would have even thought to think that way a year and a half ago.
I've come so far.

My emotions? They change. Over and over and over again. But they're not bad! They're a gift! But a wise woman will know that they are just to allow us to relate to Jesus more; NOT to lead us. Its the icing on the cake to feel something, good or bad.

So struggles - "Hitherto I fight myself - that is, besides my foe."
haha. Its so true.

But aaaah! How sweet victory is when you know that the One who has your back never forsook you? Instead, He cried with you, He laughed with you, He carried you, He shared with you in your sufferings..... and actually.... It was YOU who shared with Him in HIS sufferings because He's gone through it all before.


Isn't that just - amazing?!

He loves us!!!!! THE END.

Nothing can change it. It just is the way it is!

And you know? All my life all I focussed on was doing it right. Being right. Impress, impress, impress. I wanted to impress Him. I wanted to prove I was real. Wow. I actually... My entire life was spent proving things to people. I COULD climb a tree, even if I was a girl. I COULD beat the boys at their own game, even if I WAS a girl. I WONT EVER marry a potty (like the boys in kindergarten Sunday school used to tell me all the time) and FURTHERMORE, marrying a potty isn't even POSSIBLE, duh!?!. I AM an a plus student, I'm just bored with the freaking homework. I AM worth your time, if you would just give it to me. I AM talented I AM... I am I am I am by actions actions actions.


But Jesus.


JESUS is I AM.

And so now, I don't need to prove anything.
He delights in me just as I am.

No more proving anything. No more trying to be something I feel I need to be.
Now? Now He is showing me that His love for me is proof enough of who I really am. I am His.

Now all I need to do is be who He made me to be and to stay in His Love.
He loves me! He loves us. He's given us sooo much and He wants us to do something with it! But the world makes us prove that we have what it takes to be something great.

God isn't like that. WE have His love and His blessing, so we don't NEED to prove anything. Those two things are proof enough. So all we have to do is live in it and love in it and BE in it.

And you know?

We'll begin to glow.


Why?


Cause we'll be in love.

And isn't that really, the pursuit of every person on this earth?


BINGO.

Connect the dots, baby.

Thats why we're here.







AAAAAAHHHHH.



I thought I had emerged before, but this is different.

I think I might finally be catching something wild.
And you know?

So what if the sky is gray?

So what if everyhing around me is never going to be the same one day to the next?

I am His.

He is Mine.

He is Sovereign.

He holds all things together.

And I'll be okay.

And I'll be more then okay.

I'll be me.

And as I become me more and more, I'll be more like Him. And that'll be my witness.
But even then, I probably won't care. Because I'll be in love.
well.. I amm...


sheesh. I need to just stop. Or I'll go on forever.
Somedayyyy..... I will.


:)

A Time of Numbness Comes to a Sudden Close

You know what ticks me off? People who complain about not having any friends, but they were the ones who killed the friendships they had. And you know what? No one hears me complaining?! I'm SO annoyed by those who complain ALL the time about the things they don't have but aren't even willing to admit that THEY'RE the ones who made it all happen CONSCIOUSLY. What happened to sticking with your girls when things got rough? What happened to, "I'm with you girl!"?



I'm pissed off because I can't make friends as easily as people think and the few that I have YEARS with can't deal with me. I'm too much. Its MY fault.


GOD!



I'm SO tired of SCREWY THINGS. ITS NOT A GOD THING. Its an US thing. WE'RE the screwed up ones! What is up with telling people that God told you things but you can't back it up with scripture? What is UP with HINDERING friendships because God told you something? Gah.


I'm SO frustrated.


And the hardest part is: I'm starting to feel EVERYTHING now. No more numbness. Its ALL coming in waves of anger, injustice and just out-right SADNESS.


Mostly I'm just angry. I'm angry at those I trusted to be doing GOD things and instead they're hiding from conflict.


GOD I HATE IT.


I just want to cry. No one's growing up here except for me, and its against my own premonitions.



*This is a disclaimer. Anything that may have been said was spoken out of emotional stress and over-flowed feelings. However, this disclaimer does not disqualify the truth and reality still proclaimed in the entry above. Thank you.

Feelings.... acknowledgements and such

mmm...


What an interesting blog this must be.

There's so much of me in here... why need I hide? I continue in my persuence to express myself more accurately.

A jumble of emotions right now... an intern friend who has now become a pastor just called me and we talked for a while. I forgot how much I enjoyed hearing him rant about things, hehe. Its nice to know he hasnt found someone quite yet to replace me. I think I miss arguing with him and I definitely miss his wife and girls. It made me feel loved, I really must say.


I don't think I've ever experienced this much hate in my life as I have in the last year and a half or so.

The things that get back to me about what people say come through the most unlikely people and there's always the question of, "How did YOU hear about THAT?!"

Its been several months now since my last night at my old church and even more time since my last day as an intern.

It blows me away that people are still talking bad about me and my family. Don't they have anything better to do with their lives?

They definitely can't take what animosity they have into the ministry. However, this is not what I must fix. God will work that out with them. My part is to forgive. I've never learned so much about forgiveness as I have this last year. I've never had to forgive so much in my LIFE! I don't think I truly understand why peter asked Jesus how many times we should forgive our neighbors and God said, "70 times 7, Peter." And through this passage Jesus whispers to me through His spirit as I question Him ,"How many times, Lord?"
"Seventy times 7, My Child. Keep on going..."

I've never cried so much in my entire life as I have in this last season of my life. And I continue to cry just as often.

There's so much healing that God is doing in me. There's so much confirmation.
There's so much....yuck in my own heart.
Without all the accountability at the church, I'm held accountable by God. Does anyone know how humbling that is? There's no PLACE for selfrighteousness! NoNE! I can't even say something even partially judging without thinking if I have a place to have that oppinion of any such thing.

And then there's the lack of friends.

Friends I lack.

or better yet, friends who have completely walked away.

And this of course leaves me to question other friendships I thought I had. And this leads to a lack of trust.

And then I think even though I know its not true, I've been replaced. I'm so replaceable.

God, it hurts so much.
Its so hard because some of these ppl know me so well that even after we are no longer friends, ALL I have to do is catch their eye across the room and I know what they're thinking and they know what I'm thinking and we'd share a private, intimate moment. I CANT do that. It wouldn't show my respect to them.
I respect their wishes, and to be honest, I respect my heart enough to know that the more I play the game of compromise, the more I hurt myself in the long run.

I played that game with my last boyfriend after I broke up with him. How silly I was to think I could balance what is already one-sided?

And then there are those who have left or are about to leave. I sometimes envy them. I wish I were going. I wish my future were so promising. I wish I could get away from the place where I know backwards and forwards but no longer belong. And so I wait. I wait and I love on people as I go... as much as I can.

But then there are those people that you love reguardless of how much into each others lives you are. There are those you so highly respect... and SO wish you could deserve some day. But you can't. And they are out of reach.
How do you love someone so dearly and deal with whether you'll ever talk to them again? How do you let them go? Gracefully.

I've learned that no one is ever yours. No matter how many promises you might have. No matter what you feel God has and no matter how long you think a friendship will last, God ways are never our ways. And we misconstrue what we think He is saying SO many times.

So I've learned to hear His voice NOT in the raging storm, not in the quaking earth and never in fire-come down emotional times. His voice is the voice of Truth and of reasonable undignification. It is never something to doubt because the way He speaks to our hearts can never be doubted. Its not even that "you just know". Its that He speaks in a way that no one else can. AND... He speaks right at the most mundane ordinary moments... right into my everyday conversations, adding His beautiful thoughts into my own and being able to repeat it for the first time out loud. And I know its Him. And He knows the way He speaks to me is perfect for me.


He knows.

He knows I'm lonely.


I wonder if I ask for miracles.... what would he do? I wonder if I ask for good, Godly friends, what he would say.


I should try, shouldn't I?

the example of the tree, and other things

So I'm finally getting everythingt set up for my pc. thats exciting.

For all my readers, I'm pretty sure I make it clear that when I write about something, I'm definitelly including myself in who needs to take action and who needs to check their hearts.

I for one check my heart even before all of you on this blog of mine, besides those times where only the Lord and I go.

I feel it ignorant when people comment a blog without truly reading it. I've read my last blog posting over and over and have found no place where I've been hypocritical. I'm sorry that people feel so quickly judgemental thoughts towards me without first really trying to see my heart.

I by no means think I'm anywhere near in a place of perfection, but I certainly believe that God is on my back about everthing I write or speak about.


So, my heart is sad for those people.

unfortunately, I feel nothing more then apathetic about people's oppinions about me, because most people who feel they MUST have an oppinion usually aren't those who know me very well.


But for those who do know me well... or for those who are looking for encouragement, I have a new poem for you.

It is what God showed me in the park one day, and I sat down and put it into stanzas.

The example of the tree

By: Sarah Gul----- 8-4-08

Sitting in the park one day
I saw there stood a tree
Before my very eyes,
God spoke an analogy of me.

Responding to the wind
As it blew between the leaves
Responding the way it should
As it was meant to from its’ seed.

When the sun shines forth,
It’s arms reach to meet the rays
As it opens itself up
Hiding nothing as it may.

Blossoming its buds
To true intimacy
The sun kisses above
Exploding tree into vibrancy.

Rolling clouds above
They come upon each little tree
My friend is not exempt
From storms, expectancy.

But the tree does not complain,
From an unnecessary soak
It just responds the right way
Pushing roots to stretch and grow.

Taking up its batterment
And bending to the rage
The healthy tree it stands
Finding grace through all the rain.

As the wind sings through
It’s leaves don’t blow away
Rather they respond
Laughing, dancing bright and gay.

The tree bows down before the force
invisible may it be
But its faith it merely pulls
Proving virtue mightily.

It had no say from where it came
Or where it would be planted
What tree it’d be it could not see
Or what purpose it would warrant



All it knew was to respond
And that’s where we broke down
We, meant to live with God as friends
Chose to respond all wrong.

So now just like our little friend
We must go through the cycle
Of dying as small brown speck
Because this step is vital.

Growing as a seedling,
For now we don’t see fruit
Because God is still transforming
Our selves to be brand new.

It is quite a process
To retrace how things should be
Responding simply the way we should
Instead of selfishly.

At some point we grow strong,
And realize where we are
And God showed me like that young tree
I’m in a clearing, set apart.

I did not choose where I’d be planted
Nor my circumstance
Though I found out rather quickly
It means I’m up for more attacks.

Not hidden amongst the trees,
Protection is not so clear
I’m at the Spirit’s mercy
I’m apt to shed more tears.

But just like my little tree,
I bend but do not break
The Spirit and I are friends
And it likes to test my faith.

Not exempt from life’s storms
I must go through each one,
Some branches break, leaves blow away
But my roots are set in strong.

Its in these times when the rain falls
I feel I’m breaking down
That God brings forth the grace I need
Drenching humility in the ground


Then Jesus let his love shine forth
And love makes all things grow
Opening up the life within
Revealing a beautiful glow.
So sitting in the park that day
As I looked upon that tree
I was reminded that my response was this:
To get down on my knees.

more thoughts to come!

True Influence...

So last night was my last night at cornerstone chapel. My heart ached, my eyes cried. But it was one last, sad look on the place of, really, my spiritual youth.

I grew up in the way I should go, there.

But, though God is at work in the place where I've spent so much of my life, He's on to a new thing with me.


I scanned the place where I led worship so many times for so many different people. I took in the carpet that held so many of my tears as I sought some floor space.
I looked at the corner where I sat and prayed for so many people.
I sat in the chairs I never actually sat in very much because I was always in the sound booth running the computer or sound...

And I watched as my pastor - the one who showed me how to lead and pastor as I do now, get on his knees and wash both the new youth pastor and the new youth directors' feet.

I watched as 3 of the strongest men in my life openly wepped, being humbled in so many different ways.

I saw Jesus.


And so, as I took all of this in, I couldn't help but wonder - what sort of legacy did I leave?

None but a few people talked to be as I spent my last Wednesday watching everything go on around me.
I'm sure many have their opinions of me and my choice to leave. I'm sure many are glad. But then there were a few people, surprising as it was, whom I never knew would hug me with tears in their eyes and thank me...

My heart is overwhelmed with a sadness, a love, and a need to continue forward.
I loved these people. I still do. In so many ways I pastored them... as did all the rest of the youth leaders.

But God gave me charge over the 6th grade girls this year, thanks to Pastor Mark, and those girls were MY girls. :)

I grew so much as I taught them as best I could what God has been showing me. I probably grew more then they did.
But one thing I know... it meant more then anything to me when they each gave me hugs as I watched them deal in their own way with the fact that I wouldn't be there again.

Some were silly and acted normal.

Then there were just a few... just a few who sadly looked at me through those beautiful little eyes of theirs and told me they'd miss me and couldn't stop hugging me.

God!

THAT is God.

I could never have loved those girls the way I did without God's love... and that Love He first loved me with.

They mean soo much to me. Heh, no matter what I was going through each week, they were a constant reminder that I needed to just look past myself and my problems for a while to see the beauty of the Lord in each little heart as I listened to THEIR problems.


Influence.

11 years old and the Lord revealed Himself to me. I was 12 years old when He encountered me with His Spirit. 13 when I started thinking about missions. I was 14 when I knew I'd follow Him into the ministry. 16 when I began to lead worship. 18 When I began to truly pursue ministry as a life job... All of which Pastor Mark has only encouraged and helped develope as time went on. Now here at 19, the Lord thinks its time to move MY influencer on. He thinks I'm ready to be without him.

I think of how much Pastor Mark influenced my life... How much his life - the way he lived it, impacted mine.

And then I think of how for just the short amount of essential time I may have influenced these blossoming young women. What will they remember so many years down the line that may have impacted them?

I pray it was Jesus they saw.
I pray that the way I lived MY life, the way I conducted myself, is something they will consider, and that in some strange way, they'd imitate my faith, just as I have been trying to imitate PM's.

I hope that this part of my life would line up with Hebrews 13:7 -

Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith.

I guess you could say that I'm blown away by all God continues to show me about how important it is to represent Jesus to the world.
But you can't just start with the world first.

You must start small. Start young. Start with what God gives you.
Its sort of like the promise of Abraham that we go by - God will multiply us. I may not see the fruits of my labor, but those girls may. Praise the Lord.

:)

What peace, to know that in His time, God makes all things beautiful?

As long as for me, that beauty is in producing fruit, It'll be worth all the heart ache.

It'll be worth every tear.

Can a writer be lesser in a year henceforth?

I understand that I haven't written even as much as I would think I would. Truth is, if I'm not writing in here, its in my personal journals. I go in spurts, if you will. Sometimes I have something thats just BURSTING at the seems to be shared with the world, and then there are other things that need a quiet moment of reflection with just me and God in mind.

So far, its mostly been just quiet reflection.

But today! Today is different.


I am finally ready after about 2 months, to share my thoughts with you.


First, I don't even know how to even measure up to the things I have written in the past.

I read things that I wrote in this blog a year ago, and I think two things.

the first thing is, "WOW... I could WRITE!!"

The other thing was, "hmmmm.... whether I intended to sound that way or not, I sound arrogant."

I guess its something God grows you up from. I didn't mean to sound arrogant, and in my heart I really wasn't, but in my attitude, I very well may have been.

And then I think of where I was a year ago. Its shocking. I SEEM the same, but I know better. I'm not. I'm different.
I'm not even sure if I like being different. Am I quiet-spirited? Am I faithful? Am I acting worthy of the gospel?

No!
I'm not!

But by the grace of Jesus, my salvation is not based on my works, but on my faith that His blood has made me new and free from the bondage of sin.


Sometimes I feel defeated. I feel like a failure. I feel like every time I do something right, everything goes more wrong then if I had done it wrong.
I feel like such a mess up.

I don't listen to God when I should, But I sure talk alot to Him.
Then, I look for His answers when I already have them and should be putting them into action.


The last 6 months have been a real stretch for me. I've had to face my biggest fears and realize, its not killing me like I thought I would.
I've kept myself busy to the point of exhaustion only to find that I must still face inevitable pain at the end of the day.

In the last 6 months I've realized that I don't care if you call yourself a Christian or not, you can cause more pain by insensitive little comments then you would if you flat told me you thought I was the most ugly being in the world.

Or... How do you deal with someone who was once your best friend to not even look at you as though you were nonexistant... EVERY DAY.

Can I be simply honest? Christmas break was the best thing that happened to me in the last 6 months! It was the most relaxing, the most NICE time. No strife. No feeling of rejection.. no feeling stupid. No feeling like a total outsider. No feeling like I'm the hated odd one out.

I surrounded myself with people who care about me. Do you know how good that feels?

I took it for granted I think.
Its so nice to just be trouble about one little thought and to have someone come up to me and just ask, "Hey, I see somethings wrong. Don't tell me its not! I can tell by your eyes! Spill it, girl."

Sorry, but no one does that. I am alone where I am.

Its the hardest part of where I am right now.

But this does not make up for a miserable life. It just makes up for a lot of pain and a lot more reason to surrender to Jesus every time I have a chance.

Then there are the people who love me. They see my house a mess, they take me to work when my brakes give out on my car, they text me throughout the day to see how I'm doing, they invite me to things, they make me feel worth while. They make me want to dress up again. They make me want to feel beautiful. They make me press on. They give me pep talks and they bless me with hugs or a knowing smile. They give me books to read that they know I'd like. They trust me with their thoughts and they don't hesitate to break out into prayer whether by IM, text, phone, email or in person. Yes, we get on eachothers nerves at times, but these people respect me! They care about my heart, they care about my feelings, they care about what affects me JUST AS MUCH as I do them!

Is it not the most biggest blessing?

And then, the blessing of my family. We do not have strife. Strife is hidden tention that we won't let surface. No, our underlying spirit and atmosphere is love, whether or not we're having our best day or not. My family is by no means perfect. But I am proud of them. I'm proud of the Jesus they're learning to know. I'm proud that they're trying to figure it out. I'm proud that they're struggling to seek him even when they sometimes have a hard time believing He's even there.

And you know what gets me? People actually think they have the right to openly show their dissaproval of them to my face!

My human reaction? I wanna beat em up.

My Christian reaction? Be ticked at anyone who thinks they have a right to judge my family when I've lived with them for just about 19 years of my life and don't have that attitude towards them!!!



You know what really bothers me? Young Christian adults with NO humility or Character. It makes me mad. I just want to look at them and go, " Who do you think you are?!" Really?

A comment that made me tick BUT think was, "You always have something to say about everything, Sarah."

For the first time in a long time, I knew that was wronger then a door knob being attached to a ceiling and being called a fan.

I shot that down so fast I didn't know what hit me. Do you know how many times I DON'T say something? I may talk alot, mind you, which I'll be the first to admit, gets me into issues of misscomunication problems, but I can ASSURE you ALL that if I spoke my mind HALF the time I had something to say something about, the world would be full of Sarah opinions. I know I say stuff, but I only truly talk publically about stuff I KNOW where I stand on! Other times its to throw an idea out there. Do you know how many times I'm usually shot down by voicing my thoughts? 95 percent of the time. Am I right to, sure! Is it worth is, maybe. Am I tired of the same ppl being ignorant and just wanting to look cool to other people? ABSOLUTELY!

Seriously, I even get shot down HERE on occasion. Do I agree with it? NO.

I think if you have an issue with what I write and its about moral things, you'd better email me right away!!!

If its because you've got issues with me or are looking for a good argument? Go AWAY. If I bother you so much, why read my blog? Its only causing you to stumble!


argh.


I've been roughed up on the edges a little bit.
I'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing.


I'm sorry I don't have some beautifully written, profound entry today. I wish I did, honestly. Iguess I have to learn how to write that again. But really, I have nothing too special to say.

I'm just a girl having issues with things that go unseen for the most part. You know? I think part of the issue is that I feel like I go unseen alot.

isn't that a thought, now?

The Warrior is a Child

I almost feel safe to write here since it seems like this blog is forgotten now. Good. I can write for myself.

My heart hurts. Kind of like how after an earth quake, the earth will have that one last rumble.. almost like a reverb of the real thing.

That's what I'm going through. I've been through the initial pain, but its like I'm getting that feedback - that reverb. I feel... sick.

Not sick sick. Sick. I feel so used. I feel so discarded - like no one could really love me... its all just fake. And really, that no guy out there that could love me the way I need to be loved, would be able to stay true... to give me his word, to commit to my heart. I feel so... beside myself.

Do not take this wrong:

Jesus is my ALL. ALL my hope is in Him. ALL my love is in Him. ALL my strength is in Him. He IS my joy. Oh is He ever my very present Joy!

But I regret my life this last year. I regret it because it was so wonderful. I regret it because I bought into it as though it were real, as though it were true. I regret thinking that I couldn't get any happier. I regret that I believed that I WAS happy. I regret trusting so much.

And, I regret that I set myself up for heartbreak. REAL heart break. Painful heart break. I'm STILL dealing with it. I STILL wake up early in the morning and cry myself back to sleep. WHY!?!

I regret that I'm not over my hurt yet. I regret that it still effects me.

Truthfully, I regret investing so much that it DID effect me.

And its no longer about the person who hurt me. All is forgiven. But now I have this backlash of emotional pain that I've never experienced before.

One thing I don't regret: I truly understand what it is to guard one's heart. I've always had a hard time understand how one does it. ALWAYS.

But today, at a young 18 years, I have found the secret to guarding one's heart.

Its by not investing in relationships with guys the same way one invests relationships with girls (and vice versa with guys). Its about keeping ALL young men at an arms length. Its about not letting them into the depths where poems are formed, where songs are written, where true prayers are conceived.

Its not because I don't like guys. ON the contrary! I feel WAAY more comfortable with guys then with girls.

But that's where its a problem.

Pointers Sarah has learned from eXPERIENCE, the HARD WAY:

*DO NOT get involved with a guy who is recently hurting over another girl. You'll set yourself up for being used.

*DO NOT let a person push your personal boundaries made by your own convictions! You'll regret it.

*DO NOT get involved right away, whether you've known each other a long time or for a little: give things time.

*DO NOT intentionally see each other every day. Its speeds up the process emotionally, but not spiritually. God's timing doesn't follow ours. Wait a year.

*DO NOT! date or court someone who has a RECENT history of getting into Noncommittal relationships and has a tendency to flirt with everyone. Don't be fooled. ANYONE can be nice and really friendly. But not everyone has self control. LOOK for one who does.

*DON'T allow someone to tell you they love you until they've proven it with patience and follows the exclamation with a proposal to be his wife forever.

*DON'T DON'T DON'T talk about marriage until you're ABLE to marry... OR until you've been proposed to.

*DON'T find it acceptable that a guy thinks your different from the rest of your family.

*DON'T think its going to work with a guy if you can't even communicate openly.

*DON'T even get serious with someone who your family either doesn't like and or, HE doesn't like your family.

*IF he doesn't fit in with your family, its not gunna work.

*...THE end.



Yeah, so that helped me vent a little.

I'm not mad. I'm not.. anything really. Maybe upset. Sometimes I wish I could just get out of here and find guys who aren't amazed that I'm Sarah, and aren't jerks and treat me like dirt. I just want real people. People I can connect to, you know?

I know people who love me, but I can bearly count the people who truly understand me. I can DEFINITELY tell you of the countless of people who said they understood me, who said they loved me, who said they cared, and are no longer a part of my life.

Interesting isn't it?


Hm. I'm in a confusing state. I'm not confused, I'm living in weird new world where I don't know what my next step will be. I'm not angry or unforgiving, I'm upset. I'm mixed up. I'm disoriented. I'm... hurt.

I'm not extraordinarily strong willed, I'm a child in a suit of armor.

THIS, my friends, is my song.


<

Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child

Ouch

you know, Lord?

This sucks.

I feel used, I feel invisible and I feel like just another girl.
It sucks that I feel that way.
Of course, I asked You to use me. I shouldn't be complaining!

me: "Lord!! Use me Use me Use me!!!!!!"
God: "Okay!"

later...

Me: "God!!! I feel so used!"
God: "But you said.."
Me: ".....I'm sorry, this just...I feel like I didn't even benifit from this. I feel like all it did was hurt me and give me a lesson learned."
God: "Sarah..."
Me: "Wait.. I know I'm so selfish. I SHOULDN'T sit here and tell you I didn't get anything out of this and complain. But God... .... and I don't WANT to complain, and I'll try NOT to, Jesus! Its just that... and I know I deserve a lot of what I get, but ... why me? Of all the people who.. I guess the question really is why NOT me? Lord, this hurts, I don't understand but I give this to you. I trust You, Lord. I do. Its just hard. Give me joy."
God: "Sarah, I love you, darling. I will be gentle. You are strong in Me. You'll see. You will dance. You will shout. You will bring glory. Just don't forget Me now. Press on. You'll see My will in due time, dear Child. I love you."

Sigh.

here I am

screwed up

beat up.

feeling hung out to dry.

I feel like an idiot.

I wear my heart on my sleave.

I give and give, and then cry and hurt when people throw it back.
I want to NOT give... but... I'm meant to.
and I screwed up.
maybe thats why this hurts more... because of my choices.
I didn't guard my heart.


sigh.

but its not broken.
and I'm not strong.

But God Is.


thats all the reason I need.

A Servent Girl - I'm my own Cinderella

so I have upgraded to blogger beta.... though it won't really change the way my blog looks as much as how it works for ME.

I don't even want to start with "my life is crazy", because I've said it too many times and have thus cliche'd it as such.

But what I DO want to say is something much more interesting: Jesus is Enough.

I've never felt so new before. I've never been so misconstrued in my life before. I've never dealt with the things I'm dealing with before.

I've never been so pressured about food and "maintaining" my weight, I've never felt so stressed about what I eating and whether I should eat or not, and I've never been so tempted to think I've gained a pound or two and all of a sudden, I'm struggling with the idea that I may be or may be getting fat.

Now, please don't inturperet this as if I actually am. I am merely saying that I've been pounded with this worry and I've never felt so obsessed before, though I am not admitting to actually obsessing.

I'm scared about myself.

I've thrusted myself into a work environement where the employees mumble f words and s words on a regular basis.

I'm working with non-believers here.

Then I'm still feeling so humbled about where God has me right now. He has me playing for the womens Bible study when I'm not a woman. I just.... I can't. I've not earned the title, on top of which, most women would probably agree that I have not, but Lord, I am yours I guess, and that is enough for me.

Sigh. and then there's singles awareness days.

Apperently its not bad enough that Valentine's day is in febuary, they had to create a smaller version of the same day half way through the year because lover's cant get enough of the holidays.

Stupid Sweetest day. I hate them. ...Oh, except for when my dad get's my mom flowers... then I love it for a few moments. But then there's that.

And then there's a feeling of never actually being able to hang out with the people I most want to hang with. sigh.

And then there's Me and God.

I need to remind myself that you all may feel me being a drama queen.

See... When I write, I am being completely honest about how I feel. I have heard before that I am more honest in my blogs and my journals then I am with people in person.

I guess I agree. Either we don't usually have time for investment, or... somehow, I feel more comfortable writing out what I am thinking because then it comes out the way I want to. I can never say the right thing.
Then of course, when I cannot, I feel like crying because my life is so....AHG. It must seriously HATE me.

then, there's God and me. I talk to him, but I'm almost afraid for him to talk to me. At this point I am not so sure He would be as loving as ... no... hm.

let me rephrase.

I am the most undeserving mess I have ever ever ever known. NOt only do I not deserve a loving word from God, I am afraid that I actually wont. I am afraid of being scolded and told about what a wreck I am, and this brings me back to my own tendency that... I feel I need to have my life together before I got to God, and I just... am so hurting right now. I am so broken right now.

Things I might get myself into or situations, I just CANNOT BE IN THE MIDDLE ANYMORE. I'm tired of being in the middle of dissagreements. I am TIRED of people fighting over me, or over situations with me. I just don't want to deal with it any more.

I just want to be loved, understood and committed to. I need someone to tell me that they will fight for me, and that I'm worth it to them. I need friends to assure me that even though I am a screw up, God cares about what happens in my life. That its OKAY to eat, that its OKAY to cry. That its OKAY to be weak and have no clue whats happening and ... that its okay to be angry sometimes.


Where's my Prince? Where did the time go that I was once a Princess who deserved a Prince Gentleman?

So why I am a dirty servent girl? What HAPPENED to me?! I just... wish I could deserve a mountain top experience once in a while. I wish I wasn't so hopeless like I truly am. I have such a ... dirty, black heart. I've seen myself and I don't think I can ever face Him again without being filled with shame. I am though. I am filled with shame.

Why would I want to share this with anyone? For the first time in my life, I have no desire to marry anyone. I could never ever let anyone see what it is I see... what it is God sees... because they would find I am far less then worth the fight, and I can't bear rejection. To think I was a princess and to find out I am merely a commoner...I feel like Danielle from Ever After: lowly and worthless... but enough pride to be a girl... a woman. But a prince... he finds her, he seeks her, he pursues her and finds that she IS his match in every way...But he thinks she is a princess. But then he finds that she is not. That she is, "just like them"... when she had planned to reveal that she WAS... and she was going to let him go, but he only confirmed her worst fear: she wasn't good enough for him. In fact... she had deceived herself into thinking she was a princess that she forgot for a little ammount of time the ugliness of herself, her status, her rung.

why would I want someone to find I wore a mask? No. I am glad I haven't talked to any guy in a while. I am ashamed of how I feel, and how I see myself. ...I haven't even talked about myself to God on the feeling that I would be so selfish. And yet, I believe my prayers have some worth to them... so I pray for those lost, that God has placed into my life, and those who I love dearly... and their teachers, and their parents and their bosses. And yet, I live myself a controdiction.


God, ... help me. I feel so tired, so weary, so.... helpless. But somehow I still know you'll come through even though I am avoiding you somehow... I'm afraid to go deep again. And all I want to do is weep.