Laying Down Deep Roots

I started a new journal this week and as I asked the Lord what I should title it, something began to grow inside of me.  "Deep Roots, Sarah."   It took me a while to gather what He meant.  Deep roots?  My titles usually have to do with music, journey and vision.
But Deep Roots?
And as I prayed about it, a segment of my story began to write itself out to me on pieces of sticky-note.
Here's the next part of my story.  :)

" Death is a cocoon,"  she thought.
With this Shepherd at her side, she knew that it couldn't be the end, even if He DID call her to die.  This journey had been so exhilarating when she first started - and in a way, it still was!  But she felt hidden.
Hidden away from all the excitement of fulfilled dreams which others seemed to be experiencing in their journeys with the Lord.
"Don't look at the others, My little Seedling."  The Shepherd smiled, knowingly.  "Just put your roots down deep - as far as they can go."  He paused.  "Do you trust Me?"
THE question.  She stopped.
"Trust that love..." she thought.  Those words flew like a banner over her heart.
"I do! ...  I will! .... oh!  I want to, " she replied, longingly.  So it was decided, then.
Submit she did, pushing deep and deeper still.  She didn't quite see the whole picture, but what she DID know was that the more she laid down, the deeper her roots would go.

Trust That Love

"And so we know the love that God has for us, and we trust that love."  1 John 4:16

You know,  I was going to say its been a while since I've written, but the truth is, I've been through a LOT since the last time I wrote.  I don't even know if there's really a way to explain it, either.
But I'll try.  2 things: Where I am, and worship.

First thing:

I guess it all comes down to this:  Do I or don't I trust God.

I mean its as simply put as it gets.
Its the strangest experience:  I LONG to trust God ... will to trust God but every analyzing thought that picks my life apart into a billion pieces tells me that I'm obsessed with control.
And you know?  There's so many reasons I could give about it too.
I've been hurt.  I've gotten it wrong.  I've heard God wrong.  I don't want to do that again.  People suck.  My life sucks.  I suck!

And C'mon, nothing really sucks.  It only does when I lean on my own understanding and try to figure everything out.

Why can't God just surprise me with the life He wants me to live?
Why do I keep hitting this brick wall?
I've never been closer to the Lord.
I've never heard Him so clear in my life.
I've never understood so much of the scriptures.
I've never understood so little.
I've never trusted Him so much
and I promise!  I have never trusted Him so little.
I'm caught between accepting all the dreams and visions and longings that drive me and hating the very things that make me come alive.
Mostly because its hard to hope when you've been so disappointed in your life.

Back in the summer I wrote to the Lord,  "Maybe I've been using hope the wrong way.  I have all sorts of visions and dreams for every part of my life.  But coincidentally, just as much as they can't happen withOUT You, they won't look the way I thought they would WITH You, either."
Nothing else could have said it better.

I'm ready to fight again.  I don't care what it takes.  My HEAD knows that I will self-destruct my life and that God really has something wonderful for me.
My easily swayed heart insists that things will work out just as they have before - when I was 16 and thought I was hearing from the Lord.  A FLOOD of comparisons and past experiences swirl around and a deep hurt surfaces.  As much as my whole spirit longs to be united with the will of God, my heart refuses.  And I mean REFUSES to let go.
Its embarrassing that it keeps coming down to this!  But I'm done with this heart of mine. 
If it can't submit on its own,  I'm going to figure out why.  And I'm  GOING to get healed. 
No more waiting.  Its time for action.


Second thing:
Worship.

Something really hit me this week on a practical level and I'm excited to share it.
As a worship leader its inevitable that people will at one point or another be excited about what God ministered to them during a praise service and they'll feel compelled to share with the said worship leader about that experience.  Usually they exclaim simply that they love when that person leads worship or something of that form.  I've always wondered how one should respond to these kind of comments without making the commenter feel awkward and without taking the "glory" at the same time.

The Lord revealed to me today how utterly important it is for a person - and even more so, a designated leader to have a secret life with Him.  When a designated praise-leader steps up in front of a congregation and begins to give Jesus praise, they are essentially inviting OTHERS into their personal relationship with God.
If a praise leader doesn't have a close relationship with God, people will only be invited to go as deep as that person has. 
So how this applies to where I am (being point 1 of this entry.) I love the Lord.  I'm actively pursuing God with all my heart - even as very faulty as it goes at times, I've never been so full of praise for the Father before in my life.  I think this is mostly due to the fact that I'm facing the reality of my ugliness withOUT Him.  I'm being saved right before my very eyes - at this very moment - for something new.... now.   Wait.  Now.  No, now.  No NOW.
So when someone comes up and says, "I LOVE when you lead worship!"
Instead of feeling awkward and unsure of how to respond to what their words say, I'm finally beginning to hear that they really mean, "I LOVE going there.... I LOVE going where you go with the Lord."
And deep inside my heart the Lord is whispering to me, "I KNOW you don't feel qualified.  I KNOW you don't feel like you're worthy.  I KNOW you are unsure of your right standing with me at times.  ... But:  I LOVE when you go there with Me.  I LOVE going there with you.  And THEY do too and THAT is OKAY."

This - THIS is what the body is all about.  We - all going to our sacred places with the Lord - transparently sharing our hearts in true fellowship and communion, are spurring each other on to be one.  One with God and one with each other, with God.
And notice how I made the distinction between "Praise-leader" and "Worship-leader".
Worship is a lifestyle.  Praise is an action.
Praise is what we do on Sunday mornings with each other before the Lord..
Worship is where we're going and dwelling.

So as I praise the Lord - and as I go to that secret place which has been built on my history with Him - oh and also, as I do that in a public congregation - I become not only a leader of praise at that moment, but also a leader of worship - because I'm taking people to the most real place I know:  my place with God.  If this is done right - if this is done in full submission to the Spirit and done in the most humble, serving of ways, it will not "fill" people, but cause more awareness of their own hunger and thirst for a secret place where it is just them and God.  Its exhilarating - to be delightfully touched and entirely unsatisfied all in the same moment.
That is where the teaching comes in: you're not supposed to be filled on that Sunday morning for the rest of the week.  You're supposed to crave the presence of God by it. Its the one Good thing that you can never get too much of.  Its the one Good thing that transforms the untransformable into something beautiful. (And NO!  I don't mean Mega-tron turning into a Tonka Truck!)   Think dirt begin turned into a precious diamond.  Thing an agitating piece of sandish dust being turned into a prized pearl.  Only God can do these things.
Why SHOULDN'T we be fantastically excited when God allows us to experience the fragrance of the beauty He's working in the soul  of someone else with a heart just like ours?
And how insane is it that as a designated praise leader at my church, I'm not able to move beyond how NOT to think about everything with such a self centered mindset!
Dear Lord!  Center my entire self in You!
I have nothing Good  apart from You!

So that kind of shifted my paradigm a little.  


I apologize if this is disappointing to some of you. I AM self centered and I'm terribly young.  The good news is:  I'm growing and moving with God.  I'm not that good at it at times, but I  DO keep getting back up and running (or staggering) to the cross.  I'm finding that it's one of my most favorite places to be: in that shadow - eating the fruit of righteousness with great delight.  And the most startling thing of all is:  He sustains me still, and His banner over me is love.

Right now?  THAT is my good news.  I am a witness of this!  And its not over yet:  He's coming back.

"After all of the years, You're still here, You're still here.
After all of the time, there's still a smile on Your face.
You are so Good, You are so Good."

"Come near, O Burning One.  Come near, O Burning One.
Where can I run from You?  Where can I hide?
You're love has made an everlasting mark on my heart.

So fan the flame.  Fan this flame."

Anyway.  That's all I have for today.  Grace and Peace be with you all who love our Lord.

Restore Me, Restore Others

Its been a while since I've actually posted an actual blog entry.
Mostly this is due to being busy and growing through a lot of changes in my life.

Has anyone ever seen crazy restorations happen when you least expect it - right out of the blue?

This is what my life is encountering right now.

I'm watching some major rifts in relationships be mended - so much and in such a way that it has left me spiritually with my jaw dropped.  I could NEVER have imagined the kind of faithfulness that the Lord is showing me in the life of my family.

Let me explain.

The Lord and I have interesting conversations and there are a few in which a moment is defined by a memorial snapshot for God to bring out later.  Such was the conversation that I had RIGHT  before the biggest fall out my family has ever experienced happened.

We had just changed churches, and my family was in a shambles.  I knew that we needed the Lord's help because it seemed that a lot was falling apart in our family and there was no one who was safe enough to be there for us in that time.
God and I had this conversation where I consulted Him about the entire situation and I was as serious as I could be for a 19 year old.
I said, "Lord, I don't even care anymore how much it hurts, whatever it takes, help us.  Heal my family."
Those 2 words formed into a desperate prayer, "help us!" were more on my lips than any other.

It wasn't too long before some of the biggest secrets came out that were both shocking and mortifying.  Who were these people I called  my siblings?!  None of us had even a clue until that long 4th of July night, 3 years ago.  Never had we experienced so much emotion, so much anger, so much hurt, so much heartbreak in small amount of time.  It was wrecking.

I remembered my prayers, and I didn't understand.
But the Lord was faithful.  He reminded me that in order to help us, He had to clean things out.

Fast forward 3 years and individually, a few us have begun to heal in our own way.  Restoration, we thought at this point was a far off hope.
But it wasn't.

A relationship which has had problems from the get go was restored on an ordinary Friday night at a bonfire AND as of tonight, my parents are meeting with another person who was a major part of the fall out with our family stuff in the first place.

And still, I cannot forget my prayer, "God help us!"

Three years seems like a long time in high school.  But it ends up being faster than one could imagine as you go into your twenties.
Before you know it, 3 years can be planned for without a problem.

Looking back on the last 3 years, I don't see all that God has been orchestrating in our lives. Who knows even now?  But all of a sudden, something has shifted, and its time to make amends.  Beautiful isn't it?
One day, you wake up and no longer feel resentment towards a person who you've been trying to forgive for years.  In fact, you almost feel - love.

Why?


God is faithful.

So here's what I've been thinking.  Its a lie to think we get to where we're going in our own abilities and our own strengths.  Its only when we find the ugly end of ourselves that we begin to actually move forward and beyond ourselves in the first place.

Yeah, some people prosper for a short time even in their wickedness.  But as for me?  As for those of  US who are following Jesus?  We are blessed among men.

"Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.  They are brought to their knees and fall but we rise and stand firm. " - Psalm 20:7-8

Titles, pedestals and man-made positions fade.  One cannot take their college degrees into eternity.  At some point none of that can help you if you don't have favor among men.

But we - we are blessed among men because we have favor with God.

"God, help us."

Desperation.  Deliberation.  Down-right dependent on God being good.
That is what it comes down to.

"3 years" has broken any notion I had that I was in control.   What, was I in control of my emotions? My feelings? My friends?  My family?  My life? My job? My church?

ALL of it came crashing down.
What then, am I left with?  A confused, finite mind - a pride that will fight truly unto its death.

But God.  (What a wonderful phrase - but God .)

But God was answering my prayer.

Only God can help my family at the lowest and highest points.  Everything and everyone else is dispensable.
It comes down to trusting in the good name of the Lord our God.

Same is true for me: only God can really help me.

I've personally been going through a season where I'm allowed to feel EVERYthing for what its worth.
My entire life I've been told I'm oversensitive and so my entire life I've been trying so hard not to feel my emotions to the fullest that they are.  Stuffing all that makes for one angry person - someone who controls themselves impeccably until something sets them off.  But God has been hacking into all of that and I'm able to finally forgive for real.

I'm allowed to be fully angry and I'm allowed to be ecstatically excited.  I'm allowed to!  But that also means that I've got to face the feelings of deep longings, disappointments and even dare to... hope.

No man can help me here.  Only God.  But God.
And He is.  So I'm becoming free.

Free to express, free to share, free to NOT share.  Free to love.  Free to be just ... me.  Not have to worry about people telling me that I feel too much, that I AM too much and that I'm not good enough.
God is my help.  The Spirit is the Heart Changer even in our most wretched state.

Praise the Lord and thanks be to the most High God!  And because He is the Heart Changer, I'm free to finally offer grace to those who have fully betrayed trust.  How can I not when I'm finally beginning to understand how much forgiveness has been bestowed upon me?

"God, help us."

He is a good, good God, guys.  He scares me.  His unpredictable ways undo me.
But He's good and He loves His kids.

Today I visited a friend's church and the word that stuck out in the prayer time was "Restore".
Talking about how restoring doesn't just mean to put something back in its place, but to put something back in its place and abundantly more.  This is the story of my heart right now:  Restoration.

Here are the lyrics to one of my all time favorite vineyard songs:

Restore Me
Michael Flowers
Have mercy on me my unfailing love
Have mercy on me, Redeemer
Please open my eyes
My soul now set free
To surrender

Create in me a pure heart oh God
Renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away
From your presence oh Lord
Cast me not away

Restore me with joy from heaven
Restore me to sing Your praise
Restore me restore others
To follow Your ways

Come breathe on me now
Oh life-giving wind
Come breathe on me now, Redeemer
You’re looking for hearts broken and contrite
Look with favour
Look with favour
Look with favour 

Over and Round About Again

I finally have my new song up!  I'm re-posting my blog entry from March so you can have the lyrics.  The song is located under "My Songs" tab on the top of this blog.  Read along!

ps:  the recording isn't that great since I didn't have time to put finishing touches, but at least its up for people to get a feel for the sound.  :)

3/19/11 

I just wrote a new song... I've very excited about it since it says everything I want it to... its just where the very core of my heart is right now.  Awesome, awesome stuff that  God can give you even when you don't deserve it.  And trust me... the things I've said to Him in the past 2ish weeks... I really, REALLY am learning His grace on a new level.  Forget being saved most of my life.  I'm being saved every day of my life.  And praise God for His gentleness and patience with me.  Maybe I'll see Him a little clearer this year.  I hope so.  Thank you to all my followers and for caring enough to read my little hearts rantings!  Hopefully we'll get the song recorded and up sometime too!
much love in Jesus,

Sarah Faith

Over and Round About Again
by muah
3-12-2011
Just when I felt good enough
my heart and words aren't matching up
I go from great to sinking deep
into the pits of my insecurities

And this is where I guess I learn Your grace
When I stop seeing myself and I seek Your face

And now You're moving me to grow
expanding Yourself to break down all I've know
I go from great to very small
submitting myself from not having feared You at all

And this is where I guess I work out my faith
And I'm tired of where I've been and its time for a change
And this is where I guess I learn Your grace
When I stop seeing myself and I seek Your face

Time to stop lying to myself
I confess my rebellion. God, I need Your help
I wanna lay down these plastic pearls
Open wide my heart, God, You've been faithful to this Girl
Open wide my heart God, You've been faithful

and this is where I know I learn Your grace
And this is where I know I'm tested in my faith
and this is where I know my testimony holds
when my word matches my heart and my faith's worth more than gold

Over and round about again
I'm a fool to think that this would be the end
So I'll cling to what You've said
When I see You as You are I'll be perfected
When I see You as You are...

An Undefeated Heart

It has definitely been a while since I have expressed my thoughts in this little blog. I'm so glad I have it for the very reason that I may be able to when I am ready. It has been quite the journey so far, this summer, as the Lord is bringing me nearer to His heart.


I know I struggle with holding myself to a standard of perfection, and NO ONE is more disappointed in myself then me when I don't meet it.

Somewhere along the way I started to believe that whenever something bad happened to me, it HAD to have been my fault somehow. I did something. It was a glitch somewhere that I didn't catch. So, I mull over everything I could have done better or differently until I find a fault. I then tweak it and believe that NEXT time, (because of my "fixing the problem") I shouldn't have anymore issues.

But c'mon. I'm human. I mess things up. I don't usually factor that in to my flawed mindset, however, and the vicious cycle continues.

This season has been a time of breaking the cycle.

Love with no Expectations

Love with no expectations of it being reciprocated.

This idea has been presented to me over this last year and as painful as I know it must be, I remember telling God I wanted that kind of Love.
Interesting, He always seems to answer those kinds of prayers.

I think its loving people with no condition. There is actually no option to NOT love them. We are called to love one another - it is exactly what sets us apart. It is part of the great commandment Jesus gives us to love God and then to love each other, as WELL as later saying that we will be known as disciples because of our love for one another.

But what does that look like?

Do we really know our true tendency towards the opposite of love?

Do we really get how selfish and self centered we really are?

Submission.

What does THAT look like?

What does Love look like?

huh.


How about speaking the truth in love?

Or having love that is genuine and sincere?

Or what about actually SAYING "I love you" to people we really do?
Or saying "I love you" to people we really don't?


I would venture to say we should be offending ourselves with the flippancy we throw around the very nature of God.

hah! Romans 12 says, "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."

What DOES that look like, really?




hm. I don't know. All I know is that the Lord is calling me to love - WITHOUT expectation. Honoring my brothers and my sisters in the Lord. Being full of integrity towards them and guarding their hearts before Christ.

Sigh.


It really sucks though, when people don't get how important that stuff is... because then Love isn't as sacred or beautiful to them as it is to me, then is it?

Hah!

I think we just need to get to know God more.

That would solve everything, really. :)

Yes it would.

She, with unveiled face...

Yes, It has been a while since I've written my thoughts out for the world ... the small of the world that I reach, that is. Be as it may, the Lord is moving in me like I've never experienced before.

I will say I'm GROWING.

I'm frustrated with the amount of flaw I see in myself because I'm trying so hard, and THEN I'm OFFENDED in my little heart when others SAY they see my flaws too.
hah! What can you do? I can't win for losing, it seems. like I said. I'm still growing.

Dreams.

Desires.

Longings of the Heart.

These are things I'm being faced with in my walk with the Lord as of late, and whats funny is that YES! I am being FACED with them.

I am finding myself in a place where the Lord has brought out all of my most precious desires, dreams, longings. The things that are dearest to my soul - he's brought them out from behind lock and key and is holding them out for me to see. But for me, be what it may seem to everyone around me, to look at these things cause a great deal of pain in my life. For a few weeks I stood before the Lord and pointed my little finger in the air and denied them as ever having been my own.

But that doesn't deter the Father. His hand still held them before me.
Of course, there is no way that I would be able to deny Him for long, since He KNOWS me. AND - I know me. This whole denial thing is pointless, really. So we move on in the process. I admit that yes, those ARE indeed my desires. But the acknowledgment of those desires does something for me that I wasn't necessarily expecting: They become real and quite tangible to me. Those aren't JUST the deepest desires of my heart.... THEY ARE the deepest things of my heart - and I want it all desperately.

Which sucks. Because I've been pretty good at being strong about this for quite some time.

So this weekend, it hits its climax with the reality that - um - there's not a single notion of certain things that I desire, at all in front of me. And it was here in this place I found that my most precious sacrifice of love at this time in my life was to lay down all that I've ever longed for - before the Lord in humble submission.

Isn't that what being a follower is all about? Whatever the cost?

I could sit here and write about counting the cost of love to the Lord.
But that would be folly in the light of the price He has paid without batting an eyelash.
Its not about the cost anyway. Its about how great the Love.

I'm ... absolutely in love with the Lord. Hah! - I sit here thinking about what I DON'T have... but the truth is, I have it ALL, when I'm with Him. I'm not lacking a thing. And I'm glad to say that in all of my immaturity and in all the times I don't live up to my claim, Its His grace that allows me to be bold in my confidence and live with an unveiled radiance of freedom and glory.

His grace is the covering over all of my nakedness - all of my ugliest parts, still being worked out of me. Hah, and how Jesus loves us more than Noah's sons loved him and covered him!

I'm beginning to touch the surface of what real love might be. And what real love begins to look like towards others, when I've been loved sufficiently - His grace, being enough to perfect me in Him.

I've been writing a lot lately in my personal journals and a song kind of slipped out from somewhere inside. First time in probably 2 years, actually.
I'd love to share it with you - and also - KNOW that it is subject to be added to in the future. But for now, Here I GO.

Here I Go Again (revised)
by Sarah Faithy (as always) 11-2-09

Here I go again
and I'll direct my prayers by the point of my pen
and I don't even know who you are
But for you, dear One, my heart is set apart

I'm a garden enclosed
safe within the cleft of the rocks
I'm a mystery
I'll captivate you with one glance


This will be something beautiful
Oh the Love of God is powerful (wonderful)
Underneath the shadow in the secret place
that's where you'll find me - I will be waiting.

As I fall for the Lord
I find I'm beginning to love you more
and I don't even know your name
but I don't need convinced that you're worth the wait

My beloved and my friend
you are distinguished among ten thousand
make haste, my betrothed
be like a deer and leap over the mountains, into your garden

:)

Note to self... and anyone else.

If God calls you a locked garden, and when you find yourself upset because no one seems to have tried to come in - then isn't it God, you have a problem with, not man?

hm.

And it doesn't mean no one's tried, but rather, that the Owner has said no?


huh.


I know I should feel pretty offended.

but I think I'm past that.


I can only smile.

My Glory...

There are SO many things going wrong right now - however - GOD is Good.

God is very Good.

He loves me. He desires that none should perish.
He gives grace and He is full of mercy.
His judgments are just.
His ways are perfect.
His timing is impeccable.
His laws are true.
His heart is massive.
His pain, unbearable.
His intercession, unending.
His long suffering will not go unrewarded.
His sacrifice, enough.
His grace, sufficient.
His calling, unmistakable.
His chosen cannot walk away.
His holiness, unmatchable.
His romance is relentless.
His beauty blows anything else away.
His power is undeniable.
His passion is unquenchable.
His wonderful deeds I will sing of all the days of my life, and still, there will never be enough said that can even begin to ascribe to Him due praise.

His glory is that He conceal such things so that my glory is to search them out.


What a courtship.

What a love.


Wow.

A Conclusion, to Begin With....( :) what an oximoron!)

"I want what I can't have, but if I had what I can't have right NOW, it wouldn't be what I want."


Hm. I was talking to the Lord today in my car. For the first time in such a long time, I felt like I could just come before Him - nothing hindering. I think a lot of that has to do with final obedience in certain areas of my life where I finally surrender. There's places in my life that hold a certain shame over me and its like this vicious cycle. Shame. You feel like you then, can't deserve God's love. So you feel MORE shame. But then, you DON'T RECEIVE God's love at all because you don't feel worthy of it, and actually, in that whole process of not receiving, you're choosing pride because ultimately, not receiving God's love is saying that you don't NEED it. And if you don't receive it, you're choosing your own strength which IS pride - the very thing that began sin itself. So then I'm caught in this cycle of looking inward at myself and then I become self-centered and THAT is (probably not entirely accurate, but indirectly) the opposite of God-centered.


BUT! I was talking to the Lord in my car, this evening and I ultimately came to the conclusion which is my first sentence in this blog. And I think He chuckled at me for telling Him MY plans to be okay with HIS plans.
And yet, I felt so loved.
I have been recently mulling over the relationships that bring me delight and joy in my life and found myself trying to come to grips with the way God must enjoy me if I enjoy the people around me so much.
I find myself deeply enjoying the companionship of the friends God chooses to place into my life and then I wonder if that is how God enjoys me.

But then, I realize, I am human. I can't possibly know anything beyond myself and I'm just ONE PERSON. He made EVERY person which means that God has the capacity to know what every person feels like ALL at the SAME TIME and somehow STILL be able to handle it all without freaking out!!! So that would bring me back to thinking about how He loves me.
How He loves His Bride.
I am not going to lie. I just don't get it. I don't understand it. I don't see it. I don't see what He must see in me. How He could love me so much, find me so beautiful, to delight in me so much. I just can't see it.
But everything in me has no reason other then TO receive it. And I WANT to. But then I realize, I have a hard time just saying yes. I realize its a humbling experience for me. And how twisted right? That in order to humble myself, I have to choose to allow God to show me who HE sees me to be rather then the screw up I see in myself.
It just blows me away.

You know all those love songs that talk about how the girl takes the guy's breath away? How every part of Him longs for her and how he just couldn't live a moment without her?

Okay, so, I'm a cynical kind of person in my mind, and, I'd roll my eyes at it merely because I've been there and done that and talk is cheap. I have a hard time with that, sometimes. But the truth is - I want to BE that girl. I want to deserve to be that girl.
Avril Lavigne did this song a few years ago and the lyrics to this song resonated in my mind because... it spoke something huge.

I'm tuggin' at my hair, I'm pullin' at my clothes, I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows. I'm staring at my feet, My cheeks are turning red, And I'm searching for the words inside my head
'Cause I'm feeling nervous, Tryin' to be so perfect, 'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
If I could say what I want to say, I'd say I want to blow you--away, Be with you every night, Am I squeezing you too tight? If I could say what I want to see, I want to see you go down on one knee, Marry me today, Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say.

I'm not good enough for this guy, but I want to blow him away. This song? This song is the song of a girl the Lord loves. I want to blow Him away. But I'm so worried that I'm not worth it to Him because of how imperfect or how inadequate I feel and what I'm beginning to see is that God's love knows no bounds. I will never be able to understand it.

And... a truth is over me while I write this: He says I DO blow Him away. I want to SO BADLY, too!
God! I just want to blow away my future husband! I want to believe that even though I don't deserve him, that I'll end up with him in the long run, and here I am with this Love Story being played out. Jesus and Me. I blow Him away. I will never deserve Him. Yet He's made me worth it by sacrificing it all. If I DIDN'T receive His love, His sacrifice would be for nothing. I'd be dishonoring the only Man who truly deserved all honor which! Is NOT what my heart would EVER want to do.


But you know what ends up happening in the long run?

I end up being blown away.

For crying out loud I don't know what to do with myself.
I feel like a harlet learning that there's such a thing as love from lust!
You know, kind of like "Pretty Woman"? A prostitute and yet to him she is the most beautiful, worth-while woman on the planet.


So, tonight, while I was talking to the Lord in my car, for the first time in a while, I didn't feel like I was taking His time. I didn't feel like I talk too much. I didn't feel like I wasn't a good listener. I didn't feel like I just needed to shut up because God is tired of listening to me...
I felt heard.
Adored.
Cared for.


Do you know what crazy things people will do to feel those things?
sigh.

I worry so much.
I don't even realize I do until I see that actually, worry is tied to fear.
And I fear betrayal and no one standing for me, or protecting me. I guess, fighting for me.

But God is.
I know He is. I want to understand that He is. I want to submit myself to His leadership with all thats within me because I know that He is.

I was talking to some friends last night and the question came up about what makes a man a man and what makes a woman a woman.

Ultimately, the conclusion came to - a man is a man when he takes leadership in his relationships and in the things he pursues. But that he is taking that leaderships while following the leadership of the Lord.
AND, that a woman is a woman when she can take the lead when need be, but rather, can also submit to the leadership of those set over her with grace, and actually, that IN that, she IS a leader, by following the Lord's leadership in her life.

This is not to demean women or their place. THIS is a place where the heart enters before the Lord. A place of submission. I know that its a beautiful place because the Lord is showing me how to dwell there.
I like to think that I'm His woman, then.

:)


So really, here I am, still thinking about that conversation with the Lord.
At the end, I sat back, in my seat, in my drive way, and I felt a rest I've not felt in... aaah! So long. A peace - a freedom in sitting before Him.
And I simply said after a slightly exasperated, slightly frustrated-because-I'm-annoyed-with-myself-for-feeling-things-I-don't-exactly-want-to-feel sigh, "Thank you, Lord - for listening." And I felt so blessed. So unworthy - and yet so dearly loved. I knew I could talk to Him anytime.

This blog was too long. ;-P

read at your own risk.

Journey of a Sojourner ... a very very new year.

This picture reminds me of Jeremiah 17. Hm...


So updates are crucial sometimes, if only for the sanity of the writer.

My life has begun in on a journey I believe will be a life time.

So let me give an illustration.

Your Sr. year of high school is like this big glass-window wall. You can see everything ahead of you but you have to go through this door which, engraved above it says, "Graduation". Right? High above this door, across the top of this wall is engraved, "Adulthood".

During graduation, the chaos and the hype is so insane that you don't even take a few moments to say goodbye to this place of childhood as your eagerness to graduate pushes you right on through the door. It closes behind you. All of a sudden, the life you've always known is gone. You can never go back. Engraved in the other side of this wall, above the closed door is , "Your Childhood". What a sad thing to feel when you have time to think about it.

But then! Then you turn ahead. You want to look for the endless opportunities you saw from the other side of the wall. Almost instantaneously however, the BUTT-LOAD of crap FROM my childhood - emotional issues, hurts, unforgivenesses, angers, etc etc, get dropped RIGHT IN FRONT of me as a mountain of things I just need to get over. Hello, adulthood. Not so bright after all, is it? A sense of hopelessness crowds my heart at this point. That's right, it doesn't go away.

I DON'T see where I'm supposed to be going AFTER all.

Fast forward 2 years. Here I am. The Lord has brought me up out over the wilderness of that place and for the first time in a very long time, there is a hope that I can physically see in my life and it is on a whooole new plain in my heart. I have known a refining process I wonder how many people have ever gone through - not to ever elevate myself but rather, to praise the Lord for His faithfulness for bringing me up out of a place that only He can elevate someone from!

Here I am.

I felt stuck in my job, stuck in my community, stuck with no avenue in which to grow in my passions just darn right - STUCK.

But the Lord knew this place was good for me. For it was in this place of being "stuck" that the Lord planned to show me my FIRST ministry was Him.

And as I became content in this new revelation, things began to happen. I was OFFERED a new job out of the blue. One that would NOT ONLY provide a true sabbath day for me (which I had been praying for, for about 9 months or so) but would ALSO provide evenings that I would begin to need - first, for rest, and second, for what would be to come.

AND - I was getting paid the same amount for these great bank hours, as I was working about 50ish hours a week between 2 part time jobs.

Praise God for His faithfulness in my finances!!

Then things began to happen: A small group was going on, Thursday nights. I had been PRAYING for a small group to join in on at my church, and this was it! ThEN, openings began to be available to become involved on the worship teams. And a friend approached me to join a team of worship leaders for children's ministry to lead once or twice within a few months time. (and one of my greatest joys was leading children into the throne room of God.)

ThEN!! An opening for youth ministry happened, but I actually didn't know it was available because, (How awesome is God's timing?) when I finally felt a releasing to express my interest with being involved with the youth, I was actually told that there was a new NEED for exactly what I had to offer. AWESOME.

And then, in the process of helping get my sibs involved with the youth ministry, I was directed to the Cleveland House of Prayer.


Ahhhhh..

Since I've been at the HOP, friendships have broken out, and I'm being surrounded by people who in one way or another, hold me accountable to the Word and encourage me to continue pressing in, on a regular basis. The biggest thing I'm being taught is: Meditation on the word of God. I've NEVER been so opened up to the heart of the Lord as I have been just making time, whether 10 minutes or an hour and a half, just THINKING about ONE scripture and turning it over and over in my head. I love it and my love for His word grows by the day. As an intern at a church before, I used to be intimidated by the scripture because I wanted to read it all but didn't even really know where to start and when I DID start, I felt discouraged that I wouldn't be able to learn all thee is to learn. Well that and, ALSO because I have a hard time memorizing. BUT when I meditate on it, memorization isn't at all difficult! hah! Amen!


But I ALSO love my Vineyard community as well! And what a blessing it is then, when my friends begin to show at the HOP and like it themselves, then! I'm so excited about what God is doing there.

I know He wants me to go between the 2 and learn significant things in both places.


One of the biggest BIGGEST things that the Spirit has been opening me up to right now, is missions. Being a missionary. A local missionary. All of my life. There is nothing I want more, actually. Where ever it is that the Lord wants me to go, I want to be a missionary. And God has been teaching me that I AM or that I SHOULD be right where I am!

But NOW I KNOW people who ARE doing that, and its their life JOB.

You know what I see?

Very regular, normal people, living life on the most extravagant, extraordinary level.

They have hearts to be a VOICE crying out for the City of Cleveland, on their knees or in reaching out, and they are not famous. But they make the Lord Jesus Christ the most famous One of all.

I'm blown away by this lifestyle as it is what I'd always expected for my own life, but never got to see it actually DONE. What a cool thing, guys.

My reason for the glass wall story is that, I AM on a journey.

I used to explain that sometimes I feel its not the greatest idea to date someone late high schools years and early right out of high school because, you tend to go down the road that that person is being called to, not necesarely your OWN. At least, the Lord showed me this about my own relationship at the time.

His wisdom was, "wait until you're ON the road I have for you to be on, and I will bring others along to walk beside you."


That road - that pathway that I had been waiting for God to direct me to - this is it. I'm on it. I am begining to see where I'm going, AND I'm begining to see what God is doing to take me there.


Its a very cool experience.


:)

A New Sort of Thought on a Subject, Old, Used and Pretttty Rejected by Me for a While.

Hah! So I was going through some of my old journals today and I found a poem I had written SORT of about my future husband, but more towards where I was about it and it made me smile and then I smiled some more, as though I had some sort of inside joke with myself, being a lot older now, knowing that God has done something crazy in my life when it comes to real romance of the heart.

But I thought I'd share it with all my readers. :) In past entries when I was younger in this blog, I wrote non-stop about such things - romance, etc etc and sooo many people said I was obsessed. Hehe. I was. I'm still smiling though.


Here goes:

"Amidst the Broken Sea, My Dream Lives On" (-sooo dramatic. haha.)

By: Sarah G.
8-30-05
"Thinking, thinking, thinking
So I wonder who you are
the questions running though my heart
are numbered by and far.
Shall I begin an escepade
to tell you what I ask?
When God is nigh and I the deep
come out from past my mask;
confessing much, I'll say,
I try to day the dream away
yet amidst those dark night hours
resurecting as I may.
though curious in state
towards who you are, you see
I'm near convinced, as I scope the world
that you will never be.
Broken hearts - broken seas,
I hold my own dream tight
But Father God said, " You must let Go!"
So I trust with all my might."

I smile because of my little heart ranting on and on for hours about who he might be.
I was more frightened then anything of doing the wrong thing or giving my heart to the wrong person.
FOUR years ago, I wrote this little poem to express the way I felt about the whole situation and I'm so at peace now.

I'm just watching myself react to so much and I think, "I would have struggled with THESE thoughts here, but I don't even worry about it any more..." And its true.

I guess part of it comes to truly letting go of your own hopes and desires and trusting that God's plan for you is so much more precious.

I've been thinking lately that I have a habit of needing to touch the stove and get burned to believe that its truly hot. I seem to just work that way and its rather annoying. But then I think, "Maybe I don't even know what 'hot' feels like, sometimes." And I think I may be right.

I never knew what it really was to guard my heart... and so I had to make a huge mistake to realize "OH WAIT... so THATS how you do it..." after looking at a good burn mark on my hands that will leave a scar with its story.

I just make myself laugh. What a goof off I was when I was younger. What a goof off I am NOW! But, hah! 16 years old, right? I'm DYING to get married and to have romance of ANY SORT in my life. DYING!!!

Now I'm nearing 20 and ..... I just smile. I've never known such a Love as the Love of Jesus. There's a certain place God takes you at some point in your life where God strips you of all your "gold jewlery" braided hair and imaculant garments (like How the prophets talk about God stripping the harlotry away from the children of Israel?) And there I am - just as I am before the Lord. And I am ashamed. I am broken, I am humbled. And He makes me His.

And its in that place, the Lord said, I will call Him "Husband".

Have you ever placed all your antisipation, all your dreams on one person?

I have. Its the only way God could remove it from my life. I lived for Romance instead of God. I lived in the hopes and antisipation of love rather then IN Love.

He's changed that in my heart and now I merely smile a loaded, thoughtful, quiet smile at my young, young self.

"Her day will come," I thought. It will. Someday.

But thats really not the point of my life, is it, anymore? I'm so in love with the Lord. I'm so ready to pursue furthuring His Kingdom, solo. The only way marriage would be an option, I think, is that it would furthur God's Kingdom more because of our partnership then if we were both seperate. I sort of remember when this first dawned on me. I was blown away - ITS REALLY NOT ABOUT US!

It really is not! Its not about me being with the most attractive person. Its really not about me being romanced every day and it certainly is not about ME finding the person who makes ME feel fulfilled at all.

Its about Jesus.
Its about learning how to love in a way that is closest to the kind of love we should have for Him.
Its about being a witness. Its about blessing your spouse. Its about the children you may raise and bring up. Its about honor and respect of boundaries. Its about God and His people, His ways, His Life. Its about God.

When did it get so mixed up?

We grow up being taught to follow our feelings, not the voice of God.
We've grown up in a world where romance is riddled with lust, sex and material items.
I've gone there. It is the most unattractive, unfulfilling experience I have ever known. And its the most revolting. Its so bad its one of the those things I can't even stomache. God's plan is bigger in my life. Its for purity and honor and of true beauty. The church has fallen so deep into the though processes of the world when it comes to these things. I think maybe God wants to give us a heart to change that. I'll start with me.

we're made for something different. God's way is different. Me? Win my heart and THEN ask me to commit. WITH A RING. Not this whole, lets live together and have kids and then MAYBE, when we have enough money, we'll get married. what?!

Hey guys, thats WHAT PEOPLE IN THE CHURCHES ARE DOING TOO!!!

Sigh.


Slighly depressing but I'm not to be faultered in my thoughts here. God has a plan for His people and He's looking for those who understand. Psalms says that.

Its been... wow. probably a year or so since I've talked about this subject in any form. I will not lie - I needed to take a year.

Hey, taking a year off from dating or liking people or whatever, is the BEST THING I've ever done for me, my relationship with God and also, really, in my puruit to honor my husband some day. I've never learned more about my heart then in this past year and Man! Have I learned to focus.

Please do it if you feel led!


Hm. Thats all for now.


Now what to eat.....

He Paints One Stroke & the Sky Goes Crazy With Love...(A Stroke of Genius, Perhaps?)

So last night I had a lot to think about.

I think I was taking in a meshing of personalities and I was rather agitated that everyone was in my face. This of course is to be expected when your family is mine.

But this morning after the first few hours of becoming awake, things began to hit me and my heart became thankful.

First, just being able to watch people interact with each other. Have you ever noticed that some people can just pick up and become fast friends and the whole room becomes a bustle of jolly commotion as everyone picks around each others' personalities just to find to their delight, that they all enjoy each other and accept each other for their very crazy if not brazen self?

Once, while I was growing up, I was ashamed of how my family was. No one else's family was like mine - that was BAD cause everyone else acted like we were maniacs or something.

BUT - over the past 2 years, I've not only come to terms with how my family is, I rather feel sorry for people who can't handle so much craziness and love.

How do they enjoy their boring, routinely lives? One might argue if they're really living at all.

One thing I rather delight in is how one personality can pull another personality out of hiding.

Its one of the most beautiful things for someone to just accept that they are a certain way and that GOSH! ITS OKAY TO JUST BE YOU!!!!

I think my family is good at that. We most definitely have our problems, HA! Let me be a witness of that! BUT! We're always moving. We're always learning and changing. We have (for the most part) open hearts.

So this is what triggered a thought process of how God, in essence has surrounded himself with... Himself. He Himself is the ESSENCE OF beauty and so ergo, everything He does is beautiful.

I was driving home on 271 and what encountered me as I approached the top of a particular hill was something that took my breath away - a wild dash of orange, pink blue and purple with a swirl of yellow somehow blending in every little corner that was not covered.
The sun screamed orange.

The sky was marveling. It was almost as if every single moment was a span of universe happening and if you blinked you had missed some form of divinity. I swear the sky was glowing and in love.

Ha, and then He said ever so simply, "Its for You."

Of course without missing a single beat I replied, "Well, Yeah... and everyone else you made it for ... AND me... of course!" in between gasps of awe and reminding myself I should probably breath too.

But He plainly restated, "Its for You."

And that's when it hit me:

What did it matter if it could be for anyone else too? God is a sovereign God! Its all the more immaculate that He could have made it for me and ANYONE ELSE He wanted to love on in that little place in time where human met Jesus.

And thats where I was humbled. The live painting was for me. It was between Jesus and His bride. I'm not just single. I'm plural. Its for me just as much as it is for any other part of His Bride. It doesn't mean He would love me any less, He loves ME. He loves US. Of COURSE its for me!


He is awesome.

And, there, on Remsen Rd, I began to cry tears of thankfulness.

He Loves Us.


He really does!


And THIS BLOG is NOT to cancel out my last post!

In one hand the Lord invokes true Justice to all the nations AND to all the peoples.

But, in the OTHER hand, He offers mercy and this crazy grace that says if you repent and confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, He will NOT overlook that!

And for us, as a broken people to get ON OUR FACES before a holy God, is to give Him honor and to show Him real reverence, which, by the way guys, we have NO business losing since, last I checked we're all STILL dirty rotting sinners without Him.

Anyway,

I leave you with this:


Heh. :) He loves us if we are open to Him giving us His love.

Now... If we could get the hang of loving Him back.....

Emerge Stage Right: The Shulamite

There are quite a bit of things that God has been revealing, lately. First, that its never about me and the purpose I feel I need to accomplish and fulfill. Its about Jesus and HIS purpose that I am even privileged to be apart of aiding to put into action.
Second, Jesus calls those He loves into the wilderness. Out of the comfy-cozy and into the outsiders zone. He invites us to die. And we ignore His invitations in our happy church settings. Jesus was an outsider. He loved those who hated Him. He loves those who hate Him. He loved those who hated His disciples. He loves those who hate His disciples.
His disciples are those who accept His invitation to die... again.

Heh. Jesus has been drawing me out into the extreme. He's been calling me to just be myself and stand and DO. But its not about me fulfilling my idea of His calling on my life!

Starting bound4life in medina was not exactly my idea of His calling on my life. BUT. Life is what He is. Life is what I have. Life is what I'll fight for.
But let me quote Ever After here, "But, life without Love... well, its no life at all." 1 Corinthians even says this in the 13th chapter. Love activates the Spiritual Gifts. Why? Because God is Love.

"Set me as a Seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm".

Love.

"Come back to me Oh backsliding children' declares the Lord, 'For I am married to you..." Jeremiah 3:14


You know, amidst the afflictions and the hurts, I believe that Jesus saved my family and I.

I believe that it hurts to pull away from something that has been apart of you for so long or so intimately.

But something I believe God did, at least in my own life, is that He pulled me away from the very thing that was hurting the way I looked at Jesus the most.

Mary, sister of Martha, was a chosen daughter, in love with Jesus. Rahab was a chosen daughter, humbly declaring her belief in God through actions.

Rebekah was chosen to be Isaac's wife through her servant-like heart.

I... I had been taught to be a Martha.

The moment giftings began to show, I was made to work in my brothers vineyards. I was thrown in right as I was spiritually old enough and that is all I ever knew. Yet my own garden I struggled to keep.

I am dark but lovely.

A rose of Sharon. A lily of the valleys. I could have withered away from too much sun and no watering of my own roots.


Jesus is showing me something rather valuable in my life. It is this:

He just wants to be with ME.


So my sister told me it couldn't hurt to look again, you know, being as I'm done with my "year" and all.

But it will hurt to look. I won't need to look if God makes His will obvious and in my face. Every time I look, I get burned.

"His left hand is under my head, his right arm embraces me. I charge you Oh daughters of Jerusalem, do not awaken or stir up love until it so pleases."


Jesus is my Beloved. There is none beside Him. Who else is there?

So something a friend of mine said has been sitting with me very solemnly.
"I count it a privilege to serve Jesus in this way" (this way meaning some grounds work.)

You know... it was a general update to many many people who have been waiting for from Him. But Jesus spoke to me through it. Jesus showed me the servant heart I need to pursue to be who He's waiting for. I know I've been trying, but truly, my heart struggles in getting down and dirty when I don't want to. And THAT is exactly where Jesus sees me most. When I don't want to and I'm flat out honest about it. But I DO want to want to! And so here goes the struggle of a woman's heart after God: Lord, I AM privileged to serve You in this way. This is my witness: they will know me by my Love.


"Little things done with great Love can change the world."


That is on a Vineyard church wall somewhere.

Little things.

One person at a time.

MULTITUDES.


Jesus TOUCHED multitudes, one person at a time. And this is the kicker: He was touchable. So He touched. He loved one person at a time. I am called to do this very thing. To love one person at a time.

And yet, before all of this, I am called to Love Jesus first.

This maze is not a test... its a journey. I just need to walk with Jesus through it; right by His side.


Jesus wants to spend time with me.

He LOVES me. I am His Shulamite. His harlot bride. The one who has lain with many men. I've given my heart away to the world over and over again, pursuing fleshly desires. AND I CONTINUE to DO so!!! YET! Yet; He pursues me. Draws me into the wilderness to speak words of comfort to me. And I will forget who I've become. I will remember that despite my prostitution He chose me - ME! To be His bride.

And I will sing as in the days of my youth. Before I gave myself away to the church and her ministries. Before I prioritized leading over following Jesus. BEFORE I was put on stage and BEFORE people saw my potential. Before, way back to when I was 12 and Jesus called me forward and said to me that if I really wanted to follow Him, I would need to lay down my little 12 year old pride. The kind of pride that stopped me from raising my hands. The kind of pride that chained me down from my dance. The kind of pride that rears its head, manifested in my so-called wisdom from years.

Right back to my 11 year old self... seeing Jesus as my own for the very first time. It is like THEN, that I will sing. Only much much more free.



It is in this wilderness that I cry with the most painful of tears and claim the most unspeakable joy. It is in this wilderness, Oh friends, That my love has been awakened, under an apple tree of mercy. In the arms of Grace.

Who else is there?


"My beauty is enough for you, Sarah."


And its true.


I once was a harlot. But now I am His Lover. I am His Bride. And I have been made white as snow, purified in fire - lips touched with coal.

In Christ, behold, the old has gone and the New is Come.

Chosen among virgins, I will fast and pray. And then I will put on my finest apparel - opening my garden wide - and come boldly before the throne.

There, I receive a scepter of grace.



I'm in Love.




You'll see me in pink again.

Where is this generations Church leaders?

Second blog in a day, I know. But I forgot about something that I would love to share with the world.




My heart breaks for the people who've walked away from the "church".

As an intern for the last year, I heard a lot of how there's a void in where the young leadership should be in the Church.

I want to let everyone know that I found them.



They're outside of starbucks on a casual summer night drawing out their souls with a mechanical pencil and going through a box and a half of cigarettes.

They're at home in their one-room apartment with their new husband trying to figure out this whole marriage thing and wondering whats still missing.

They're still in 6th grade, learning that life isn't a fairytale much sooner then they should be.

They're pregnant with a child out of wedlock and are trying to find a good, stable home for the baby to go to.



THATS where they are.

And I sat before my mom today and cried.


God loves these people.

I love these people.

They just need to be loved.

They just need to be heard!



So won't you join me as I go before Jesus?


Father,

I see your church leaders. I see the prodicals. Hah, you know I'm a prodical myself at times. Who are any of us to judge? God I just ask that you would continue to draw these that are hurting, whom are lost, who are living but so very dead inside. God, I'm willing to go for you. I'm willing to love the rejected. I'm willing to bless the fallen. I'm willing to carry the broken. I'll give of my heart... or Lord? Maybe you could give me YOUR heart to give of that, since there is nothing beautiful aside from you.
Show we, your people, your children how to love on the poor, the lost, the broken, the young. Show us how see people through your eyes, and to check out the logs we have to pull out before we try to fix in other people what we can't even fix in ourselves. I love you so much Lord... but its only because you first loved me. Help me to first love these people... so that one day they can say that they really, really do love you.

selah.



God I praise you. You are ALWAYS good. Your love endures forever. It was here before you formed my soul. It was there WHEN you formed my being, and it will be there when my body dissolves into the ground.

Your glory is my delight.

Your favor is my reward.

You are our portion in ever aspect of life, and we have nothing to fear.
Lord, bring these young warriors, these young leaders to you. I ask that you would be absolutely glorified in their lives and that every part would be something to magnify your beauty.

You are more lovely that I can know.

I thank you for your kindness to me...your grace...wow God, astound me.

I need to shut up now, haha. I love you.

I love you I love you I love you!!

Your will be done.

In Jesus' name I pray these things,

so let it be done.

How He Loves Us

You've stolen my heart, yes You have.

My life is full. with Life.

My heart is whole. Of Love.

My body is sick. with a cold.


So God has REALLY been quietly working in my heart over this past month, and though I feel like popping my head to relieve the pressure, I'll say that Jesus has thoroughly stolen my heart.


First, with the sip, I've been just learning so much.

I've been learning how to love people when they're unlovable.
I've been learning to link arms with those that I don't exactly see eye to eye with. I've been learning that working closely with people who are my siblings in Christ is REALLY like working with my own blood family. You see all their faults, you see where you disagree, and you also see that you all love the Lord. I think we're learning as a group to protect each other and back each other up, like you would your own family. SURE! They make you mad. Sure! You don't like them some days, but at the same time, you KNOW them. You know them like alot of people do not, and you love them despite what you find out about them. We grow together. We're learning together.

For instance, I didn't know that the Bible said that you should have a THIRD party there when someone thinks they have a word for you.

Wha?!! Its true! What a revelation. Do you know how much of a mess that would clean up if the church started following that? No one ever told me this!

How about what the pastors have been teaching on and how crazy it is that its lining up with what I'm learning in my quiet time AND what I'm reading in the Purpose driven Life!

I'm tired of being so fake.

I'm not perfect.

THATS OKAY!

I'm trying to follow God!

THATS OKAY.

I'm in a lower position but raised up and held to a higher standard now.

Thats okay.

Does that give people the right to criticize me and feel that it is their duty to correct me? HECK no.
If you're not in my inner sphere of influence, then you don't. Of course I should be held accountable to the Body of Christ as a whole. But that doesn't mean that you should go around accusing people of things before you have knowledge on the subject as well as know the persons heart.

THAT right there, is NOT the character that God wants the Body of Christ to conduct themselves with.

You should use wisdom, discretion, discernment and prayer before you decide to talk to someone about what you may think is an outright sin.

And, if it is not, and if it is merely a personal offense to you, then GO to that person and explain the offense rather then accuse that person of a bad characteristic. Give your fellow Body-parts the benefit of the doubt.


This is what I've been having a hard time with, when it comes to people.
I get accused, I get publicly rebuked for a supposed outright sinful character and truly, I'm tired of it.

The fact is, if it isn't true, the people who do the accusing look like fools. But either way, that is NEVER how it should ever be handled. That is not done in love. I don't care who it is, if that person is part of the Bride of Christ, you should TREAT her with the same care... you should treat that person with the same care, period, and get off your high horse when you're being a donkey yourself.


Sigh. I'm just a BIT passionate about that topic right now. I won't lie. I might be a bit TOO passionate right now. I feel VERY strongly on that though. I've learned a lot of what NOT to do by being in those situational lessons.


I'm just really learning that God doesn't want us to TRY to look pure and perfect.

He wants us to BE pure and perfect.

To BE that, we have to LOOK like we're not, because the only time things get dealt with is when sin and crap is made manifest in light. It has to be open, down on the table.

It has to be seen for what it is - cause that's the only way we can humble ourselves. We gotta face our ugliness and own up to the garbage in our hearts.

We have to let God peel back the layers of our hearts and see ourselves what we truly are before God: ugly and rotting. Our souls were dead in our sins before Christ came and saved us all. But now we're in the process of renovation. We SHOULD be starting with the roots, the foundations of who we really are, and let God clean it out, from the inside out. But too many times, we spend our lives making the outside look good, making it look like everything is beautiful and perfect, but heaven forbid someone might go inside. Maybe the foyer looks real nice, but you'd better not let someone go into the family room of your heart. Or how about the kitchen? Don't let them see whats in your fridge - what you allow yourself to eat. Is it the music you know isn't good for you? How about the many hours you allow myspace to fill your brain? Is it MTV or The N? What is in your fridge that you gorge on?

What about your bedroom? YOUR haven? What is safe to you? What do you keep THERE? who do you let in there?

Or how about your basement? ... What dark things do you keep in the corners of your dank soul?


How long will we, the Body, hide behind our surfacy beauty and hide our insides from the only One who can help us clean it up?


How long?

Where does it start?!

When does it start?


It starts NOW.

And it starts with me. I'll let God peel me back layer after layer and reveal the garbage in my life.

And I'LL make a difference in this world, even if it only be me.

Why?


Because I'm real. And I want my fruits to be seen and smelled and tangeble and with seeds that plant themselves in the deepest and the hardest of grounds.


So let it be done.

And so let it be done in me.

Pearls, Swine and Being Released

A LOT has been happen with me as of late.

First, the sermon of casting your pearls before swine was... WOW.

I've never been so... (is it weird to say) Loved on in a sermon before.

I've found that its okay not to give your pearls of great price to anyone and everyone. I may be doing that here in this blog, but I guess thats part of my blog. Those who come here must like to read it, otherwise they don't come (har har, I laugh at myself.)

But a pearl comes with with a great price because it was something that I worked at.

pretty much a pearl is a piece of sand or whatever that gets into an oisters mouth, and it irritates the oister so it covers this thing with layer upon layer of smooth "whatever" on this thing till it is smooth and ... a pearl.

So the pearls in our lives are the painful things that we can't ignore and we work at and work at until it is a precious part of our lives.

Pigs?

Pigs take and eat anything. When the rubber meets the road, a dog will return to its vomit and a pig after being cleaned, to her mud pit.

They have no concept of what precious compared to scraps is.

Why would I give my very best, my most precious parts of my life to those sort of people?

This is an ubelieveable realization to me.

Thoughts have definitelly been more defined and its actually encouraging to think about this because it finally holds up my accomplishments (with Jesus) of my Character as pearls.

I've always had a special spot in my heart for pearls. I'm begining to realized why.

Dimonds are very gaudy. They boast of their beauty, when really, they are just rocks that have been reshaped, chipped away at and made into something they never were before.

Pearls however, don't SCREAM and sparked their beauty. They've always been more modest about themselves being a treasure. They seem to have a quieter sense of beauty, you know?

And this is what I've seen: it is because it was a piece of dirt, a piece of dust molded and refined, organically smoothed over, and worked at (worked at from its being dirt) and made into this thing of great price - it came with a great cost.

And then there's the parable of the pearl of great price, and of a man selling all he had to buy a feild where the pearl was to be found.

What pearl would be so wonderful that a man would sell all he had for it?

I always thought of the pearl as God.

So someday, I sort of hope that my engagement ring will be like this: 2 little dimonds with a pearl in the middle. We've been chipped away and made into the people that can now be brought together, but in that process, what would have been dirt had we not waited on Gods timing, because this beautiful treasure between us: and that pearl would represent God, the waiting, .. just EVERYTHING that holds us together.


so yes, pearls mean very much to me.

The releasing part?


I was told I am not called to meet specific needs right now.

Truth is? The person who told me this was absolutely right.

This is my life verse right now:

1 Corinthians 7:32-35

But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord.
But he who is married cares about the things of the world—how he may please his wife.
There is[a] a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction.

Lord, would you help me write another song?

Hm, so. Okay.

A comment on my last blog got me thinking.

Romance is supposed to be renewed, right?


Okay. I'm done wallowing. YES. I've been wallowing. I've needed to wallow.

I've been wallowing because, gosh, now I know what it feels like to be pursued and treated like a princess (uhh... mostly.)
I know what I've been missing out from. I guess thats why I feel sorry for myself a little, but you know? Why would God allow me to experience something like that and give me less the next time? Because...

He DID give me this something beautiful.
He allowed me to experience a great amount of romance - sweet and wonderful.
But He also allowed me to experience pain. A great deal of pain.
Why?
"Why me?!" I sometimes ask God.

"Why not you, Sarah?" was the reply.

"But, I feel so used, Lord!"

"But you said, 'use me'."

"Yes, but... but... this hurts!"

"I know, sweetheart."

*tears*

"Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours be done."




I don't know. I'm just done wallowing.

Maybe I need to renew my romance with the Lord.

I think thats what it is that I need to do right now. I love Jesus, I need to start showing Him better. I need to start doing things for him, telling him how much I care about him. Spending time with him, singing to him, possibly drawing him nearer? Is there a way to draw him unto myself like you would a regular guy? I don't know. I mean, love, and the whole idea of flirting and attracting someone, is all part of the whole picture of LOVE, is it not? So if God made me to do that, maybe I SHOULD do that... with God.

Maybe I should allow God to woo me, to call me out.

Maybe look at God as my Lover as well as my Friend?

Is that even possible? It will be hard. I never see Him. Sigh. Thats always my problem. I always have to have faith that God will reveal Himself to me in time, just like I have to have faith that God has someone out there for me.. even though I can't see.

I almost hate that I'm so attracted to romance. I wish I could say that I'm better then that, that I'm harder then that. That I'm not as pathetic as that.

Unfortunately, I am not. AND I have feelings too. I feel a great deal.

You know, I feel brushed aside sometimes by people. I feel like since I happen to be trying with all my heart to do the right thing in all of this, people go, "good for you! You're soooooooooo amazing!"

What?! No. I am NOT amazing. I suck. If most of you knew, you wouldn't think that. I struggle. I struggle to let things go. I struggle to let things grow. I hurt. I feel like it wasn't fair. I sit there and smile at people and tell them thatGod is in control, but then I go home and I cry and cry and cry, and ask God why I deserved any of this.

Do you know how wrong it is to really actually ask God why, eSPECIALLY since I wasn't there when He created the heavens, the earth and creation? Who the heck am I to ask why?

and yet I have the guts to ask anyway. Why? Because God allows for me to be imperfect. He understands. He understands when I vent my frustrations.
Thats why I love him.

I could cuss Him out, and He'd still bless me. He'd still listen. And He showed me that actually, He'd rather have me cuss Him out then not talk to Him at all.

...you know? He's so good to us. I don't understand this, but His demensions to love us far surpasses ours.

I mean really? Why and how does He love us with a love that is bigger then US? Why?

I dunno. All I know is that I want more of that love. I want more of Him in my life.

"More Love, more power, more of you in my life. More faith, more passion, more of you in my life. And I will worship You, with all of my heart. and I will worship you, with all of my mind. And I will worship You with all of my strenth. You are my Lord, You are my Lord."

Sarah is growing again. and no, its not height-wise, thank you. Nore is it mustache-wise. Its my spiritual-eyes. *wink*. yes yes, I'm still my same old Sarah self.

The Vision

The Vision - Written by Pete Greig


So this guy comes up to me and says, "What is the vision? What's the big deal?" I open my mouth and words come out like this...

The vision?
The vision is Jesus - obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people. You see bones? I see and army.
And they are FREE from materialism.
They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn't even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the West was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.



What is the vision?



The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers
chose to lose
that they might one day win
the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heros are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night
They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"
And this is the sound of the underground.
The whisper of history in the making.
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing...
This is the sound of the underground
And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain."
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners.
Martyrs.
Who can stop them?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death kill them?
And the generation prays
like a dying man
with groans beyond talking
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24-7-365.
Whatever it takes they will give:
Breaking the rules.
Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide.
Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs,
laughing at labels, fasting essentials.
The advertisers cannot mold them.
Hollywood cannot hold them.
Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive inside.
On the outside? They hardly care.
They wear clothes like costume to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell.
A throne for an electric chair. With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days, they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breate in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centers.
Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdos!
Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of Heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.
And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God.
My tomorrow is His today.
My distant hope is His 3-D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer ivokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great "Amen!" from countless angels, from heroes of the faith, from Christ Himself. And He is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.