1 Percenter, Grace and "Getting Saved"

I've been thinking about how I wanted to start this post -
 what sentence would capture in a nutshell the reason behind my somewhat sudden absence from the bloggersphere. But to be honest - nothing really came to mind.  And I'm okay with that.

Since my last (what I would call shortstop) post ... and to be honest, since I last really posted, my life has been turned upside down and all around.

Going to India pretty much set it off, too.  I mean, I knew it was going to change my life and all, but I have nothing in the history of my life to compare this to.

First of all, a few things should be in the back of your mind as I explain.

Firstly, I wanted to be an archaeologist when I grew up as a kid.  Which could coincide with my love for understanding people and culture so... anthropology? I just clumped it all together in one word though.

When I got older, I thought I'd be a wiseguy and pull one over on God - meaning, make my life plans LOOK like God's work so I could do what I really wanted to do.  hehe.  So I told God I wanted to be a missionary... and then do archeology on the side.  ... Then as time went on, I actually DID want to be a missionary.  And then further down the road, for various reasons, I decided that since most missionaries I knew were just serving their own communities, I would be a missionary and learn to serve mine.

Except I didn't really love my community.  How many of us know that in order to truly serve out of our own free will, we must also learn to love?  I had a long way to go.  But we all do... all the time.

Anyway I dropped the idea of going to other countries around the age of 14.  Fast forward a decade - and my 24 year old self  just met up with her missionary dreams once again.
 Except what she realized was that in learning to love her own country, her own city, her own community and her own family, she was able and prepared to love another.

What I saw in myself was surprising.  Why was it so easy?  Why did I love things others could only tolerate?  Why did I connect with the people like they were my own family?
And most of all, WHO THE HECK AM I?  I mean - what just happened here.

There are a LOT of things people say to people like me:  mission trip newbies.

"Of course you won't want to leave.  You never do, when its your first trip."

"I know it sucks to go back right now but, you'll be back to normal soon."

"Yeah, over time you'll forget about the place... and it'll seem like it never happened.  But... you'll be different.  And you'll remember that it DID happen. Because you're not the same, even though your life is." 

"Yeah... there's always that 'mission trip crush'.  It'll pass."
 (*Ahem* More on that later.)

Are these little tidbits I've heard over the past 7 months wrong?  No way!  Its a lot of truth.  For most people.

But... I'm not most people.  I'm Sarah.  And in the one percent chance that the status quo DOESN'T apply to a situation, you can surely conclude that my life is made up of the most hilarious "did that just happen?" one percent chance situations.   Sometimes I wish I could say different, but honestly I get a kick out of my life and it always seems to come through prove everyone wrong when they try to categorize or generalize it.  It suddenly seems to have a mind of its own  - have a bad hair day - or decide it just won't cooperate.  It chooses the most opportune moment to declare itself different right when I think I'm about to enjoy a little bit of 'normal' for a change.

The truth is though - all those words people offer to mission trip newbies like me - just didn't fit.
They were true enough, for a majority of people.  But not for me.
Why?  Because this is part of that one percent chance that something is different.

See...
I didn't forget about India.  I didn't forget about the people.   They're always in the back of my mind. Every day.
My life has been and is a waiting grounds for something greater to happen. Something that will allow me to move forward into whatever the Lord has next.
Plus, I met a man who has since captured my heart - and it was so God-ordained that I can only testify of God's goodness in it.  But that is for a different post. :)

My mind came back reeling with thoughts and possibilities I had never considered or imagined.
I was overwhelmed.  I've curled up in a ball on my floor trying to find something that HADN'T chanced.  The only thing that hadn't was Jesus.  That kind of lesson is learned when nothing is familiar.  I didn't know  who I was anymore.  Yet... I was more myself than I could have ever been up until those moments.  And I'm so grateful.

++++

So what's been going on with me these past few months?

Honestly?  I've been processing data.  I've been learning about grace.
I've been wrestling with grace.  I've been offended with grace and by grace.
And after working through cycles and cycles of this (and as I continue to), I've come to the conclusion that I'm desperate for it.
I've been so stuck in this ongoing lie that when I keep sinning in the same area of my life and have to keep asking for forgiveness, I'm somehow raping the grace God has given to me.  I've spent so much of my life judging people who use God's "grace" to justify their sin that I have condemned myself to that same judgement.  And to come face to face with the fact that God's judgement of my own situation was more gentle than mine... that He offered me grace when I offered myself none - it offended me.  Grace isn't fair.
Yet God's judgements are true.

So how does this work?

It works when you realize you need saving from yourself.  

You know.  I've grown up in the church.  I asked Jesus in my heart at 3.  I was baptized in the Holy Spirit at 12 years old.  I've ministered in many ways.  But I never had a moment where I knew I needed saved.  And I needed saved BAD.

I never had that moment, that is, until I got back from India.
A couple months of this wrestling led me to a face-plant in my front room floor, weeping as Jesus spoke clearly to my heart, "Sarah, are you better than your master?"

6 words crumbled my proud resolve and as I wept some of my most painful tears yet, the only thing I could think was that "This must be how it feels to get saved."

And that's when I realized ... I was. Just then, I "got saved".
And I wept that it took so long for me to understand it.  And I wept because God's timing is perfect and that it was His grace that allowed me to walk with Him until this moment.

Do I believe that a person can love God, walk with God, know God, learn from God and not be saved?  Nope.  But most people know Jesus as their Savior when they choose God back.
But remember?  I'm that weird one percent chancer.
And it just so happens that though I've been saved by grace this whole time, I didn't know I needed a savior the way I know I need one now.
So my life is a little backwards, no question about that.  But.  Nevertheless, my best friend Jesus revealed Himself to me as my Savior.  And now I get to add that to the list of names He's been revealing to me in His own way.

So that's one thing the Lord is doing in my heart on a personal level.

In my next post I'm going to explain how I came to the conclusion that God is going to send me to India again, next year.  But this time for 6 months!  :)  Stay tuned!

Time to Let it Go

Time to Let it Go
by Sarah Faith

Again my eyes beheld
the changing season scene
where once the burst of death
colored each leaf with a scream.

Quietly the trees resolve
each letting their own go
submitting to the Lord the old
so something new can grow.

Though the visible exclaims
a normal, boring gray
It obediently vacates
so transform inside, it may.

One day yes, in His time
the season next, comes soon
time's up in hope's deferring
roots deep in love, she'll bloom.

Restore Me, Restore Others

Its been a while since I've actually posted an actual blog entry.
Mostly this is due to being busy and growing through a lot of changes in my life.

Has anyone ever seen crazy restorations happen when you least expect it - right out of the blue?

This is what my life is encountering right now.

I'm watching some major rifts in relationships be mended - so much and in such a way that it has left me spiritually with my jaw dropped.  I could NEVER have imagined the kind of faithfulness that the Lord is showing me in the life of my family.

Let me explain.

The Lord and I have interesting conversations and there are a few in which a moment is defined by a memorial snapshot for God to bring out later.  Such was the conversation that I had RIGHT  before the biggest fall out my family has ever experienced happened.

We had just changed churches, and my family was in a shambles.  I knew that we needed the Lord's help because it seemed that a lot was falling apart in our family and there was no one who was safe enough to be there for us in that time.
God and I had this conversation where I consulted Him about the entire situation and I was as serious as I could be for a 19 year old.
I said, "Lord, I don't even care anymore how much it hurts, whatever it takes, help us.  Heal my family."
Those 2 words formed into a desperate prayer, "help us!" were more on my lips than any other.

It wasn't too long before some of the biggest secrets came out that were both shocking and mortifying.  Who were these people I called  my siblings?!  None of us had even a clue until that long 4th of July night, 3 years ago.  Never had we experienced so much emotion, so much anger, so much hurt, so much heartbreak in small amount of time.  It was wrecking.

I remembered my prayers, and I didn't understand.
But the Lord was faithful.  He reminded me that in order to help us, He had to clean things out.

Fast forward 3 years and individually, a few us have begun to heal in our own way.  Restoration, we thought at this point was a far off hope.
But it wasn't.

A relationship which has had problems from the get go was restored on an ordinary Friday night at a bonfire AND as of tonight, my parents are meeting with another person who was a major part of the fall out with our family stuff in the first place.

And still, I cannot forget my prayer, "God help us!"

Three years seems like a long time in high school.  But it ends up being faster than one could imagine as you go into your twenties.
Before you know it, 3 years can be planned for without a problem.

Looking back on the last 3 years, I don't see all that God has been orchestrating in our lives. Who knows even now?  But all of a sudden, something has shifted, and its time to make amends.  Beautiful isn't it?
One day, you wake up and no longer feel resentment towards a person who you've been trying to forgive for years.  In fact, you almost feel - love.

Why?


God is faithful.

So here's what I've been thinking.  Its a lie to think we get to where we're going in our own abilities and our own strengths.  Its only when we find the ugly end of ourselves that we begin to actually move forward and beyond ourselves in the first place.

Yeah, some people prosper for a short time even in their wickedness.  But as for me?  As for those of  US who are following Jesus?  We are blessed among men.

"Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.  They are brought to their knees and fall but we rise and stand firm. " - Psalm 20:7-8

Titles, pedestals and man-made positions fade.  One cannot take their college degrees into eternity.  At some point none of that can help you if you don't have favor among men.

But we - we are blessed among men because we have favor with God.

"God, help us."

Desperation.  Deliberation.  Down-right dependent on God being good.
That is what it comes down to.

"3 years" has broken any notion I had that I was in control.   What, was I in control of my emotions? My feelings? My friends?  My family?  My life? My job? My church?

ALL of it came crashing down.
What then, am I left with?  A confused, finite mind - a pride that will fight truly unto its death.

But God.  (What a wonderful phrase - but God .)

But God was answering my prayer.

Only God can help my family at the lowest and highest points.  Everything and everyone else is dispensable.
It comes down to trusting in the good name of the Lord our God.

Same is true for me: only God can really help me.

I've personally been going through a season where I'm allowed to feel EVERYthing for what its worth.
My entire life I've been told I'm oversensitive and so my entire life I've been trying so hard not to feel my emotions to the fullest that they are.  Stuffing all that makes for one angry person - someone who controls themselves impeccably until something sets them off.  But God has been hacking into all of that and I'm able to finally forgive for real.

I'm allowed to be fully angry and I'm allowed to be ecstatically excited.  I'm allowed to!  But that also means that I've got to face the feelings of deep longings, disappointments and even dare to... hope.

No man can help me here.  Only God.  But God.
And He is.  So I'm becoming free.

Free to express, free to share, free to NOT share.  Free to love.  Free to be just ... me.  Not have to worry about people telling me that I feel too much, that I AM too much and that I'm not good enough.
God is my help.  The Spirit is the Heart Changer even in our most wretched state.

Praise the Lord and thanks be to the most High God!  And because He is the Heart Changer, I'm free to finally offer grace to those who have fully betrayed trust.  How can I not when I'm finally beginning to understand how much forgiveness has been bestowed upon me?

"God, help us."

He is a good, good God, guys.  He scares me.  His unpredictable ways undo me.
But He's good and He loves His kids.

Today I visited a friend's church and the word that stuck out in the prayer time was "Restore".
Talking about how restoring doesn't just mean to put something back in its place, but to put something back in its place and abundantly more.  This is the story of my heart right now:  Restoration.

Here are the lyrics to one of my all time favorite vineyard songs:

Restore Me
Michael Flowers
Have mercy on me my unfailing love
Have mercy on me, Redeemer
Please open my eyes
My soul now set free
To surrender

Create in me a pure heart oh God
Renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away
From your presence oh Lord
Cast me not away

Restore me with joy from heaven
Restore me to sing Your praise
Restore me restore others
To follow Your ways

Come breathe on me now
Oh life-giving wind
Come breathe on me now, Redeemer
You’re looking for hearts broken and contrite
Look with favour
Look with favour
Look with favour 

Over and Round About Again

I finally have my new song up!  I'm re-posting my blog entry from March so you can have the lyrics.  The song is located under "My Songs" tab on the top of this blog.  Read along!

ps:  the recording isn't that great since I didn't have time to put finishing touches, but at least its up for people to get a feel for the sound.  :)

3/19/11 

I just wrote a new song... I've very excited about it since it says everything I want it to... its just where the very core of my heart is right now.  Awesome, awesome stuff that  God can give you even when you don't deserve it.  And trust me... the things I've said to Him in the past 2ish weeks... I really, REALLY am learning His grace on a new level.  Forget being saved most of my life.  I'm being saved every day of my life.  And praise God for His gentleness and patience with me.  Maybe I'll see Him a little clearer this year.  I hope so.  Thank you to all my followers and for caring enough to read my little hearts rantings!  Hopefully we'll get the song recorded and up sometime too!
much love in Jesus,

Sarah Faith

Over and Round About Again
by muah
3-12-2011
Just when I felt good enough
my heart and words aren't matching up
I go from great to sinking deep
into the pits of my insecurities

And this is where I guess I learn Your grace
When I stop seeing myself and I seek Your face

And now You're moving me to grow
expanding Yourself to break down all I've know
I go from great to very small
submitting myself from not having feared You at all

And this is where I guess I work out my faith
And I'm tired of where I've been and its time for a change
And this is where I guess I learn Your grace
When I stop seeing myself and I seek Your face

Time to stop lying to myself
I confess my rebellion. God, I need Your help
I wanna lay down these plastic pearls
Open wide my heart, God, You've been faithful to this Girl
Open wide my heart God, You've been faithful

and this is where I know I learn Your grace
And this is where I know I'm tested in my faith
and this is where I know my testimony holds
when my word matches my heart and my faith's worth more than gold

Over and round about again
I'm a fool to think that this would be the end
So I'll cling to what You've said
When I see You as You are I'll be perfected
When I see You as You are...

Giving of My Best - a Poem

Giving of My Best
Sarah Faith

Lord, these desires are so dear
my treasures and my crown
but too much importance, it is clear
on these things have been found.

Pulled between my want and Truth
hanging mid-air, sound
upon the alter, above my hands
I lay my Isaac down.

Mercy, Mercy, Mercy

What a month this has been.
My heart has a lot being tossed around in it right now but there's a few things I've decided:

Well-meaning people  can tell me all they want what they think is best for me, or they can tell me that I should be careful about what I'm thinking or deciding is "for me" or "not for me", but it really comes down to one very simple fact: No one knows better what God is guiding me to do than I do.  And no one knows better then I do, the way He speaks to me.

With that understanding in my heart, I feel liberated to fully pursue what I must to bring glory to God.
I'd like to share an excerpt from one of my most recent journal entries about an epiphany I had that will change my mind-view forever.  Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't believe I've ever written any of my personal journal entries in here before!  So making new history in this blog which is seven years and running, here goes.

"This has to be my view - my attitude.  Regardless of how I benefit, Jesus is deserving of all glory, all honor and all praise.  Who do I think I am, expecting to somehow know every reason for why things don't always go my way?  Who cares, besides me?  My point exactly.  I'm so self-centered and I somehow think its my RIGHT to know what and why God lets things play out the way they do.  But here's ONE thing I can rest in: Whatever is happened  whether fair or not, whether just or not, whether explainable or not, whether logical or not, God is a very deliberate God.  EVERY thing will bow a knee to His voice.  He absolutely WILL get the glory in every situation, and He will do everything it takes to get the glory that is due to Him because in MY life, I owe it to Him.  He has been my salvation.  Therefore, it is not a sacrifice but a PLEASURE to suffer whatever affliction comes my way FOR the cause of the glory of God."

I'm being pretty transparent by sharing this thought with all of you - but I am not called to hide the human in me - I'm called to let God's glory shine through my weakness.

Here's the deal:  My desire is to walk in a way that is worthy of my calling.
However God chooses to make me holy as He is holy, I choose THAT way as well.
I'd be an idiot to think that God would allow me to feel comfortable all the time on this path with Him.

Coming back from my trip to IHOP-KC, I was met with 3 conflicts immediately.  3 conflicts that required 3 confrontations which - if ONE is uncomfortable for me, TRY 3 within a 24 hour period.
I'm not actually bad with confrontation, I just hate it, that's all.
As uncomfortable as it was however, the situations were taken care of in a matter of minutes or at the very most, a half an hour.  Why do I worry and get so uptight?
I just need to tackle each thing as they come.

There's so many things I need to process right now - but one thing I CAN say:  If there was ever a time where going somewhere else completely confirmed that where God HAS placed me is exactly where I'm supposed to be, its now.  And I'm so very glad that I have something to go by.

One other thing I know is going on right now:  I'm clearly in a place of waiting and in the waiting, watching.  It is so apparent to me at this point in my life that I would be ridiculous if I try to deny it.  People have said that MAYBE God has other dreams for me than what has been placed in my heart right now.  However, I am a firm believer that if that were the case, He would share a few of them with me so I could at least have a vision and run with it.
But He hasn't given me any other dreams.  He's only expounded on what has already been in my heart and added to that, has given me assignments for this present time.  Those assignments include all the components that make up my working life and so I fully intend on fulfilling God's desires for me in all of it.

But waiting - AH waiting!!  What a time of patience and humility.  What a time of the Spirit silently destroying the very way my mind has been resourcing my heart in expanding my knowledge of God.
The thought is overwhelming: I've been all wrong.  And not on a surface level, either.  My entire make-up - my entire human being is completely backwards in relating to the uncontainable God; and, in order to continue on the Journey I so deeply long to finish and to finish well,  everything I thought I knew and everything I believe I've learned must be undone.
Woe is me for I am RUINED! Because I am a man of unclean (impure) lips  and have a heart completely consumed with my own ambitions. (Isaiah 6:5)
All of it, in vain.  My eyes are just beginning to see the Lord of Hosts.  And every time I see Him better, all I've know prior, is undone.
Praise God for extending mercy to my heart and - (unbelievably added to that!), has also adorning me with grace to safely be changed into a person who reflects His Son, Christ Jesus.

This waiting thing is changing the paradigm of my very breathing existence.

While I watch my watch, could it be an idol?

And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, "So, you men could not keep watch with Me for one hour? Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." - Matt. 26:40-41

What if what I call "waiting" is really an invitation to see.
I sing, "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord.  Open the eyes of my heart..." but then I complain because in my arrogant assumptions and inability to listen,  I've mistaking God's invitation to WATCH and wait with an invitation to  ONLY wait and then somehow feeling like I've been left behind.

I have been proudly marching around and demanding God's blessing and favor with the kind of ignorance of a workman on strike who hasn't done his research or talked to his boss to know what the real issues are - looking like a fool and exposed to the world when the legitimate truth is revealed that actually, the CEO has been silently at work on benefits and raises the workman couldn't of even dreamed of.  Instead of talking to the Boss and watch what He will do, I've been openly making God out to be small and opposite of all He has promised, and of all I have preached to others.  Double-minded and two-faced.

And yet - though I have been a fool, God still clumps me back together and begins molding me on the wheel again.
I have been softened some more.
What mercy.

Woe to me, for I have been undone.

I'm so glad God is undoing me in every part of my life, in every season of my life, and that He is faithful to complete and perfect me until the day of Christ's return (Philip 1:6) - where I will finally look like Him because I will see Him for all of who He is (1 John 3:2).

Maranatha! Amen!!!

Just some thoughts -Not well explained

Hm...

If there was ever a season of writing, THIS is that season.  I'm keeping 2 blogs, tweeting, andddd....3 journals right now for various reasons.

I think its because there's a lot that God is doing in my heart right now.  Lots of good - looking at lots of ugly.
I'm dealing with SO many things that are from years ago - anger, unforgiveness, and all these little girl dreams and things that people have spoken over my life that I've forgotten about ... until now.

I'm surprised at all thats coming out this way, but I guess its time to deal with some things.

God's given me a picture of a hope chest filled with many things - all my childhood and everything that entangled with it.  To open this chest and explore the contents, there IS a catch.  With all the good, I must also face all the bad.

So its definitely been a little journey - one that I've been afraid of, but one that can also be easily fixed:  forgiveness.

But here's the other thing I'm afraid to face:  all my little dreams.

If you read far back enough in this blog, you'll meet an optimistic, romantic, naive, unbroken teenager with the unrealistic, ideal world at her finger tips.
Its been a long time since then, and God is reteaching me that not all that I dreamed of in that time was bad.

Sixteen, going on 17.  6 years ago - and can you believe I've been writing in this blog for that long?

Its hard when everyone's getting married and engaged and YOU'RE the one going through a break-up and readjustment of life.
In all reality though, I've over the break-up.
Its the disappointment that its still not my time yet.

And then to add to all that, everything I know I want (regardless of whether I'm in denial or not) is either right out of my reach and right in front of me (simultaneously)  OR - I just haven't thought of it yet.

So pretty much, its the first one.

I'm going to be real right now:

I don't want to be one of those really cool Christian girls who's just - you just LOVE them - and you can't understand why they're not married yet.   Why God hasn't brought someone around for them.
Unfortunately - haha or maybe fortunately, I have become this very thing.  :)

Is my heart disappointed?  Yes.  I really just want a friend who will know me, enjoy me, dream with me and want me for me.

But will I be okay?

Yeaaah..... I will be.  I always am, anyway.  I'm really not sure what the real lesson is for me right now and I think thats what perplexes me the most at this point today.

I refuse -REFUSE - to take a mindset that question's God's goodness when things aren't going the way I'd like.
Instead, I'm going to be a faithful friend to my lovely sisters who ARE getting married, I'm going to be me, and I'm going to focus on loving people and letting go of the pen to my life.

I DO anticipate what God could do in my life in the next 2 years or so.  I'm actually going to Kansas City for the first time in a few weeks - a road trip with some girlfriends.
I'm pursuing purity on a whole new level - and I'm taking action in guarding my heart better - and guarding the hearts of the one's I love better - both male and female.
And I'm going to try white-water rafting - Something I've always secretly wanted to try.
And I'm applying to go on a mission trip to Africa next June - because I've always wanted to go to Africa since I was 10.
I'm starting to make choices that keep me moving and active and I'm trying to eat better just in general.
And - I'm trying to find opportunities to talk to people about God in the work place.  THATS my deal right now.

The JOY of the Lord is my strength.

I really really really want to bless God and those around me.

I could certainly use yours prayers.
And hey! don't hesitate to write me if you have a thought or a word for me.
I'm always up for that. :)

blessings,

Sarah

Oh Lovely Spring

On my way home from work this morning at a bright and early 7:30, I found myself driving into the early morning sun.
Still chilly enough to see my breath, there's just something about a spring morning and watching the sun rise.

I drive by nearly 20 ponds before I actually pull into my driveway and what I encountered on my way was nothing less than spectacular!

Cold sunbeams shooting through the budding trees, glowing frost coating overgrown, green grass, and a draping mist hovering in mid air over every pond I passed made my drive back like I had entered into a dewy silhouette of a dream.

Spring is not my favorite time of the year, but God is challenging me to take a look again, and allow each season to be my favorite season as they come.  I have a hard time with this, as this idea parallels the spiritual seasons of my life.
I like my FAVORITE seasons, and THATS IT.  But in this new idea, my heart is awakening as though I had been asleep, and I'm beginning to recognize the beauty of the now.

I feel like the season I'm in is the rainy part of spring.  It just keeps raining and raining and raining.  And just like Cleveland, right when you think the sun is going to STAY out, it rains again.  And I always think , "we should know this by now... its still spring, its still going to keep raining.  Its useless hoping for anything other than what this season brings."
Coincidentally, that is the response of my own heart towards the place that I'm in right now.
But this morning God showed me something new.
Rain gives birth to life.
The beauty of Spring is that after the rain comes, a miraculous thing happens - what was still and dormant has suddenly blossomed into vibrant life.
The romance and the mystery that the sun illuminated in my tiny corner of the world this morning spoke volumes to my heart today as the Sonshine in my own life begins to reveal what, (in His time) overnight, would create a lovely view for everyone else to see as He warms up the places that must be frozen for a time.

What a truly blissful thought.  :)

- Sarah

Start at the End

I just took a thought stanza from my journal and created a poem from it today.

I put a lot of deliberation into this little bit of my heart. :) As a (sort of acrostic) syllabic verse, this follows a alternating 7-6-6-7/6-6-6-7 format. Enjoy!


Please Don't Go Away - Start At The End
by Sarah Faith

Dancing down rolling hills
with a leap and a whirl
that flies out of control
my dear safe place spins Away.

Face to face with whats real
Not as spiritual
as I thought I had been.
Where did all my green grass Go?

Color isn't gone away
I find that its just bare.
No longer can I hide;
As of now I think I Don't.

Before Your eyes I end
My desperate little heart -
Reality of need.
Begin again, if You Please.

Big Heart, Little Dreamer

"Me dreaming big right now is like a childs cardboard book hoping to be an epic novel one day. It could happen, right?"




I honestly feel the way Pooh looks like he's feeling in the sketch - unsure... but still willing to move forward since thats the only thing left to do.


I know this may sound ridiculous, but I feel boring.  And I may not actually BE boring so much as I find my life is boring.  I'm almost afraid to say that because it sounds like I'm not seeking God enough and thats my problem... but its not!  I'm walking with God and I'm reading my Bible every day... but I can't dream big at ALL.  I KNOW I'm meant for something big, and its an exciting feeling, but at this moment, I don't see anything fantastic about my life right now. 


 It LOOKS like I have no life.  (Because I really don't, truthfully.) 


 It SEEMS that nothing big is actually going to happen to me (but things aren't always as they seem, usually. Who KNOWS what God is doing in all of this.)


 And it FEELS like I'm not going ANYwhere (yet a month ago if you had told me that in a months time I wouldn't be with my boyfriend, I would cut my hair 6 1/2 inches shorter, I would put in my two weeks notice at FirstMerit and that I'd be working at a dentist office wearing scrubs and working with mentally handicapped people on the side AND that I'd lead worship for the first time for my church on a Sunday morning, I would have guffawed in your face.)


I sound absolutely absurd right now.  Who am I kidding?  My life is insane and it just took a drastic turn.  Yet my problem is - I'm very discontent with myself.
I don't see any big dreams in my heart.  In fact, I'm concerned because I don't even seem to be able to conjure up any big dreams at ALL.
Whats with me?
And my question for God at this point is, "What do you want from me?"
I'm faithful, I'm trying desperately to live righteously before Him.  I'm doing all I can do to pull myself together.  I'm reading my Bible every day, I'm talking to Him in my car.  Yet I'm unsatisfied.  


I think God just wants ME.
I've been busying myself with doing all thats required of me, but He doesn't require the "doing", He requests the "BEing".  


So here I am.


Finger to my chin, head cocked slightly, staring in the direction that I inevitably must go. 


"Think, think, think, think.  Oooh bother."


Its just where I am right now.

But, He was not in the Wind...He was in my Car.

I'm surprised at how much I'm writing recently... but after quite the lull in my creative streak, I'm back;  probably because I finally have something useful to say.

I think... that I'm at a place where when heartbreaking things happen to me, I can't fight God anymore about it.

I'm at a point where I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of asking questions that I'm not sure I'm supposed to know the answer to.

I must say though:  I am proud that I did what I was supposed to.  I'm proud that I did the right thing - and didn't  hide who I was or shrink back in what I believe in all of this.
If  I'm not supposed to go a certain route in this journey with God, then there's nothing that can keep me going that way, if I'm truly following Him. For that, I am grateful.  He is so sovereign.
I know I'm going to be okay.  In a way, I'm relieved because I finally feel like I have a grasp on whats going on in my life now - love life, really.
God is going on in my love life.

I'd like EXTRA Tomatoes and EXTRA Cucumbers, Please.

"Looking up through her lashes she settled her gaze upon a horizon promising hills and mountains and valleys silhouetted by a creatively splashed, evening sky.  Opening wide her arms she cried, "Ah!  My friends!" and continued forward, skipping securely on the heights." 

What does the Lord have for me?

Man, I've been asking this question for years, and the answer usually comes with the seasons.  AND ... its always changing.  It seems like God has a LOT for me.

Its been a very difficult season, certainly.  Its funny to me because people who see, hug me in a massive, enveloping embrace and look at me with shining eyes and whisper, "God is doing a deep work in your life, girl.  Oh He is...." and then, with a burst of delightful, joyous chuckling, I'm hugged again.

Its wonderful!  Except for one thing:  I don't feel it or see it at all.  Its nice that everyone ELSE can, but as for me?  My life is just one big compression of pressure and stress.
A few months ago I was fighting the Lord about why I was feeling this way, but TODAY... I'm like very flexible clay.  I just... whatever.
Whatever He wants - whats the point in fighting back?  Its better just to give in, and embrace the change.

Embrace the journey.