When Your Dreams are Dashed and Your Heart is Broken

I was 13 years old.  I was sure I’d get married to my first love by the time I was 22.

I envisioned a lovely, romantic courtship much like Anne of Green Gables and her beau, Gilbert Blythe or Laura Ingalls and Almanzo Wilder.  We were going to start out as friends; we’d secretly love each other and one day, we’d just get married.

While these are sweet sentiments to grow up dreaming about, it was quite the crash when I fell from the clouds of these expectations.

First Kisses, Honor and God's Love

 "Love one another with brotherly affection; Outdo one another in showing honor." - Romans 12:10

Sitting back in a corner of my local Starbucks, I reflect on all the things that are delightful to me despite the chaos precariously whirling my little world upside down.
I'm sure you can relate.  For a moment I block out the hefty issues in front of me and choose to lean into the simplicity of ... the weather. No joke. 
I welcome thoughts of my favorite season gently riding in on the heels of late-summer's flat air thick with car-fumes, last minute barbecues and the frenzied preparations for the next school year. The coolness, the crispness, the pumpkins, the spices...the smell of bonfire smoke in my hair.
 I welcome those thoughts because it reminds me that the world doesn't revolve around me.  In fact - life goes on, and that is why I am where I am in this season - because its time to grow.

Before I go on, I want to share a story.

 Its not a very nice one and it most certainly doesn't make me look good.  But here it goes.

Restore Me, Restore Others

Its been a while since I've actually posted an actual blog entry.
Mostly this is due to being busy and growing through a lot of changes in my life.

Has anyone ever seen crazy restorations happen when you least expect it - right out of the blue?

This is what my life is encountering right now.

I'm watching some major rifts in relationships be mended - so much and in such a way that it has left me spiritually with my jaw dropped.  I could NEVER have imagined the kind of faithfulness that the Lord is showing me in the life of my family.

Let me explain.

The Lord and I have interesting conversations and there are a few in which a moment is defined by a memorial snapshot for God to bring out later.  Such was the conversation that I had RIGHT  before the biggest fall out my family has ever experienced happened.

We had just changed churches, and my family was in a shambles.  I knew that we needed the Lord's help because it seemed that a lot was falling apart in our family and there was no one who was safe enough to be there for us in that time.
God and I had this conversation where I consulted Him about the entire situation and I was as serious as I could be for a 19 year old.
I said, "Lord, I don't even care anymore how much it hurts, whatever it takes, help us.  Heal my family."
Those 2 words formed into a desperate prayer, "help us!" were more on my lips than any other.

It wasn't too long before some of the biggest secrets came out that were both shocking and mortifying.  Who were these people I called  my siblings?!  None of us had even a clue until that long 4th of July night, 3 years ago.  Never had we experienced so much emotion, so much anger, so much hurt, so much heartbreak in small amount of time.  It was wrecking.

I remembered my prayers, and I didn't understand.
But the Lord was faithful.  He reminded me that in order to help us, He had to clean things out.

Fast forward 3 years and individually, a few us have begun to heal in our own way.  Restoration, we thought at this point was a far off hope.
But it wasn't.

A relationship which has had problems from the get go was restored on an ordinary Friday night at a bonfire AND as of tonight, my parents are meeting with another person who was a major part of the fall out with our family stuff in the first place.

And still, I cannot forget my prayer, "God help us!"

Three years seems like a long time in high school.  But it ends up being faster than one could imagine as you go into your twenties.
Before you know it, 3 years can be planned for without a problem.

Looking back on the last 3 years, I don't see all that God has been orchestrating in our lives. Who knows even now?  But all of a sudden, something has shifted, and its time to make amends.  Beautiful isn't it?
One day, you wake up and no longer feel resentment towards a person who you've been trying to forgive for years.  In fact, you almost feel - love.

Why?


God is faithful.

So here's what I've been thinking.  Its a lie to think we get to where we're going in our own abilities and our own strengths.  Its only when we find the ugly end of ourselves that we begin to actually move forward and beyond ourselves in the first place.

Yeah, some people prosper for a short time even in their wickedness.  But as for me?  As for those of  US who are following Jesus?  We are blessed among men.

"Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.  They are brought to their knees and fall but we rise and stand firm. " - Psalm 20:7-8

Titles, pedestals and man-made positions fade.  One cannot take their college degrees into eternity.  At some point none of that can help you if you don't have favor among men.

But we - we are blessed among men because we have favor with God.

"God, help us."

Desperation.  Deliberation.  Down-right dependent on God being good.
That is what it comes down to.

"3 years" has broken any notion I had that I was in control.   What, was I in control of my emotions? My feelings? My friends?  My family?  My life? My job? My church?

ALL of it came crashing down.
What then, am I left with?  A confused, finite mind - a pride that will fight truly unto its death.

But God.  (What a wonderful phrase - but God .)

But God was answering my prayer.

Only God can help my family at the lowest and highest points.  Everything and everyone else is dispensable.
It comes down to trusting in the good name of the Lord our God.

Same is true for me: only God can really help me.

I've personally been going through a season where I'm allowed to feel EVERYthing for what its worth.
My entire life I've been told I'm oversensitive and so my entire life I've been trying so hard not to feel my emotions to the fullest that they are.  Stuffing all that makes for one angry person - someone who controls themselves impeccably until something sets them off.  But God has been hacking into all of that and I'm able to finally forgive for real.

I'm allowed to be fully angry and I'm allowed to be ecstatically excited.  I'm allowed to!  But that also means that I've got to face the feelings of deep longings, disappointments and even dare to... hope.

No man can help me here.  Only God.  But God.
And He is.  So I'm becoming free.

Free to express, free to share, free to NOT share.  Free to love.  Free to be just ... me.  Not have to worry about people telling me that I feel too much, that I AM too much and that I'm not good enough.
God is my help.  The Spirit is the Heart Changer even in our most wretched state.

Praise the Lord and thanks be to the most High God!  And because He is the Heart Changer, I'm free to finally offer grace to those who have fully betrayed trust.  How can I not when I'm finally beginning to understand how much forgiveness has been bestowed upon me?

"God, help us."

He is a good, good God, guys.  He scares me.  His unpredictable ways undo me.
But He's good and He loves His kids.

Today I visited a friend's church and the word that stuck out in the prayer time was "Restore".
Talking about how restoring doesn't just mean to put something back in its place, but to put something back in its place and abundantly more.  This is the story of my heart right now:  Restoration.

Here are the lyrics to one of my all time favorite vineyard songs:

Restore Me
Michael Flowers
Have mercy on me my unfailing love
Have mercy on me, Redeemer
Please open my eyes
My soul now set free
To surrender

Create in me a pure heart oh God
Renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away
From your presence oh Lord
Cast me not away

Restore me with joy from heaven
Restore me to sing Your praise
Restore me restore others
To follow Your ways

Come breathe on me now
Oh life-giving wind
Come breathe on me now, Redeemer
You’re looking for hearts broken and contrite
Look with favour
Look with favour
Look with favour 

Over and Round About Again

I finally have my new song up!  I'm re-posting my blog entry from March so you can have the lyrics.  The song is located under "My Songs" tab on the top of this blog.  Read along!

ps:  the recording isn't that great since I didn't have time to put finishing touches, but at least its up for people to get a feel for the sound.  :)

3/19/11 

I just wrote a new song... I've very excited about it since it says everything I want it to... its just where the very core of my heart is right now.  Awesome, awesome stuff that  God can give you even when you don't deserve it.  And trust me... the things I've said to Him in the past 2ish weeks... I really, REALLY am learning His grace on a new level.  Forget being saved most of my life.  I'm being saved every day of my life.  And praise God for His gentleness and patience with me.  Maybe I'll see Him a little clearer this year.  I hope so.  Thank you to all my followers and for caring enough to read my little hearts rantings!  Hopefully we'll get the song recorded and up sometime too!
much love in Jesus,

Sarah Faith

Over and Round About Again
by muah
3-12-2011
Just when I felt good enough
my heart and words aren't matching up
I go from great to sinking deep
into the pits of my insecurities

And this is where I guess I learn Your grace
When I stop seeing myself and I seek Your face

And now You're moving me to grow
expanding Yourself to break down all I've know
I go from great to very small
submitting myself from not having feared You at all

And this is where I guess I work out my faith
And I'm tired of where I've been and its time for a change
And this is where I guess I learn Your grace
When I stop seeing myself and I seek Your face

Time to stop lying to myself
I confess my rebellion. God, I need Your help
I wanna lay down these plastic pearls
Open wide my heart, God, You've been faithful to this Girl
Open wide my heart God, You've been faithful

and this is where I know I learn Your grace
And this is where I know I'm tested in my faith
and this is where I know my testimony holds
when my word matches my heart and my faith's worth more than gold

Over and round about again
I'm a fool to think that this would be the end
So I'll cling to what You've said
When I see You as You are I'll be perfected
When I see You as You are...

Open hands

Trust And Obey

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.
Refrain

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Refrain

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

Refrain

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

I happened upon this lovely old hymn in looking for lyrics to another. The title caught my attention (as it should,) and I couldn't help but explore the stanzas of the well-written truths. Here it was: the song I was REALLY looking for.

All morning long, the only phrase I kept thinking was, "open handed, open handed, open handed."

Is there not a point where we get "caught" in our lives? We get caught in good or bad actions. We get caught by people, caught in circumstances, caught in the middle, caught in between, caught off guard, caught in a lie, caught in a tangle of a mess....
And it was time for me to be caught.

Brought Low

Is it okay if I say that I'm feeling pretty indescribable?

Its been a pretty challenging time thus far, and O to wonder if that is the pace for this upcoming year of mine.

To face insecurities? To challenge lies?

To stare back, boldly standing in the gaze of my newest revealed fears?

Aha. Sounds so... honorable. So courageous. So brave.

But to me? It sounds ... painful. hah!


Yet, I want to learn what it looks like to have authority as a Daughter of God.

To pray and see things happen.

But my faith bust be grown.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

I most certainly am not complaining over life's complications and little complex situations we so often find ourselves in. But neither will you hear me pretend that these sort of things aren't trying, most of the time. Its a pretty real place to be with the Lord. He's got this big thing in mind, and in my little narrow-minded, compact self, I am unable to wrap my understanding around how sovereign He really is.

But ... though I do not hold the capacity for such knowledge, I DO have the capacity to believe it to be true. And you know how big that capacity is? It can be as little as a mustard seed. But Oh! The fruit it will bear in its due season!



Sigh. I don't know.


You know what?

I'm in this place where...

okay. Illustration.


I'm sitting.


In the prayer room, right? I have had a pretty.... "eh" week. Lets just say (if I can be perfectly honest) it hasn't been one of my most "be a super-christian!" weeks.

In fact - I have been seriously dealing with some sin issues in my life MAINLY ... because of my lack of guard. So, on this particular evening, not very long ago at all, I find myself walking into the prayer room with some anger inside. I'm angry at myself because of where I think I should be, and am not, AND, I'm a little hurt by a previous encounter with a friend.

AND ... I'm mad at myself for how the whole situation makes me feel.

So I'm sitting in the prayer room.

An hour goes by. Finally, towards the end of this hour, I finally begin to process.

How long am I really going to go like this? Really?

And in all my "ehhgh" feelings, I begin to really face the Lord.

And that's when He nudges my heart (Which has been condemning me all day at this point.)

Lord? I DON'T feel very spiritual right now. I don't even care to say this. In fact, I ... just absolutely don't get this whole grace and righteousness thing. \


And so goes my honest little heart with the Lord.

I've definitely been in the business of shocking people when I talk about how I sometimes talk with the Lord.

Hah. You know what? I've been doin this for 10 years of my life. I'm pretty sure that if God wanted to shoot me with a lightning bolt, he woulda done it already.

(sorry, sarcasm...and yet not mean sarcasm. just blunt.)

And to be honest? For me to talk this way with the Lord is the most humbling experience because I actually have to admit that I am not perfect. I have to admit that I don't measure up.

I spend my whole life being good at everything and measuring up and pleasing and being the favorite and the good one.

But the truth is?



I don't measure up. And? The standards aren't His. I'm accomplishing nothing in my own strength.


Figures.


And He whispers to me in the most tender, truthful way, "Sarah, its okay."



Its OKAY to be sitting in that chair in the place that I am. Its really okay.

And that's when I realize: I GOT NOTHING.

NADA!


ZIP!


ZERO!




NOTTTHING to bring to Him except exactly what I am at that very moment.

And what I have to bring is so ugly.

And then all I can think about is how I HATE this body.

I HATE this jar of clay.

There is SO much treasure waiting for ME, EVEN inside, that I don't know about and yet I have to deal with a shell of flesh that is tenaciously prone towards sin.


I got nothin.


Apart from Him, there is no good in me.


And as my heart began to grasp this little idea, the lights were turned down for the next set. And we began to sing this song:

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom


How wide, how deep, how great is Your love for me?


We sing it as a statement... but isn't it meant as a question?

Do we have the nerve to actually ask this of the Lord?



Who couldn't?!


Humbled?

hm.


I am indeed being brought low.

for sure.

Blessed are the poor is spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God.

I marvel at how the Lord uses the most distinct, broken situations and, within His calculated life-equations, we are very particularly drawn to Him in our desperate state of dire need of Him.

Such is the place I find myself this week.

Slammed.


I feel slammed. Slammed like a blow to the stomach. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me, and I can honestly say that many members of my family feel the same way.

Does this ever end?


YES.

One day.


Not today.


Today - the Light and the Love of men came and let Himself shine is some areas that none of us even knew existed. It has revealed rebellion, and MUCH devastation.

Interesting, how we never quite realize what we're asking of Him when we ask for Him to reveal His glory in our lives, isn't it?

I've been praying for a while now, that the Lord would help our family.

He IS.

But its not only humbling, its heart-breaking.

I don't think I've ever quite experienced this 'outside' love that I'm beginning to have for my family.

I don't view them the way I used to anymore.
When I look at them, I look at them like my brothers and sisters in the Lord - mother and father included. Of course there's a certain respect you must have... but I will say, there is no one who has been through as much with each other as a family.

There's the most opportunity for betrayal and wounding, but there is also the same amount of opportunity for loving, grace and mercy and build up amongst believers.

I see this potential both ways in my family.
I also see that God's heart breaks for them as well.

It breaks for me.

It breaks for you.

Why?

Because He is full of compassion.

Yet, He is full of judgment. That allows us to make our decisions and then face the consequences of them.

We? We also, then, need to be full of compassion. Judging what is of God and what is not.

Combining grace with truth, dealing with all things through wisdom and discernment.

Am I the master of this?
Absolutely not.
But it starts with awareness and also, understanding.

I don't have any conclusions to this thought process. And to be honest? I know its okay. I guess I'm dealing with a maraud of emotions, and I dare say I find myself struggling with situations that I cannot help except trust that God has a plan.

I will leave you with something that has entirely encouraged me all week.

Faith - faith is built and grown based off of a knowledge of who God is. The more you know God, the more you trust Him, the greater your faith is.

So then, God's whole plan of faith has everything to do with the idea that you would know Him. And He desires that we would know Him.

Blows me away, really. So all this time, I get lost in the equation itself that I forget that the main reason I'm doing it at all is that I'm supposed to get something out of it.

I get lost in figuring out how to live my life in a way that is righteous that I forget that - the ONLY thing He wants from me is to KNOW Him. To LOVE Him and that, DUH, EVERYTHING will line up as I pursue that One Thing.

So Paul - is better understood when He says that He takes great joy in trials and tribulations - because He KNOWS God and trusts Him in everything, even the unpleasant surprises and happenings.

THIS situation with my family? Absolutely no exception, whatsoever.


The End.