Trust That Love

"And so we know the love that God has for us, and we trust that love."  1 John 4:16

You know,  I was going to say its been a while since I've written, but the truth is, I've been through a LOT since the last time I wrote.  I don't even know if there's really a way to explain it, either.
But I'll try.  2 things: Where I am, and worship.

First thing:

I guess it all comes down to this:  Do I or don't I trust God.

I mean its as simply put as it gets.
Its the strangest experience:  I LONG to trust God ... will to trust God but every analyzing thought that picks my life apart into a billion pieces tells me that I'm obsessed with control.
And you know?  There's so many reasons I could give about it too.
I've been hurt.  I've gotten it wrong.  I've heard God wrong.  I don't want to do that again.  People suck.  My life sucks.  I suck!

And C'mon, nothing really sucks.  It only does when I lean on my own understanding and try to figure everything out.

Why can't God just surprise me with the life He wants me to live?
Why do I keep hitting this brick wall?
I've never been closer to the Lord.
I've never heard Him so clear in my life.
I've never understood so much of the scriptures.
I've never understood so little.
I've never trusted Him so much
and I promise!  I have never trusted Him so little.
I'm caught between accepting all the dreams and visions and longings that drive me and hating the very things that make me come alive.
Mostly because its hard to hope when you've been so disappointed in your life.

Back in the summer I wrote to the Lord,  "Maybe I've been using hope the wrong way.  I have all sorts of visions and dreams for every part of my life.  But coincidentally, just as much as they can't happen withOUT You, they won't look the way I thought they would WITH You, either."
Nothing else could have said it better.

I'm ready to fight again.  I don't care what it takes.  My HEAD knows that I will self-destruct my life and that God really has something wonderful for me.
My easily swayed heart insists that things will work out just as they have before - when I was 16 and thought I was hearing from the Lord.  A FLOOD of comparisons and past experiences swirl around and a deep hurt surfaces.  As much as my whole spirit longs to be united with the will of God, my heart refuses.  And I mean REFUSES to let go.
Its embarrassing that it keeps coming down to this!  But I'm done with this heart of mine. 
If it can't submit on its own,  I'm going to figure out why.  And I'm  GOING to get healed. 
No more waiting.  Its time for action.


Second thing:
Worship.

Something really hit me this week on a practical level and I'm excited to share it.
As a worship leader its inevitable that people will at one point or another be excited about what God ministered to them during a praise service and they'll feel compelled to share with the said worship leader about that experience.  Usually they exclaim simply that they love when that person leads worship or something of that form.  I've always wondered how one should respond to these kind of comments without making the commenter feel awkward and without taking the "glory" at the same time.

The Lord revealed to me today how utterly important it is for a person - and even more so, a designated leader to have a secret life with Him.  When a designated praise-leader steps up in front of a congregation and begins to give Jesus praise, they are essentially inviting OTHERS into their personal relationship with God.
If a praise leader doesn't have a close relationship with God, people will only be invited to go as deep as that person has. 
So how this applies to where I am (being point 1 of this entry.) I love the Lord.  I'm actively pursuing God with all my heart - even as very faulty as it goes at times, I've never been so full of praise for the Father before in my life.  I think this is mostly due to the fact that I'm facing the reality of my ugliness withOUT Him.  I'm being saved right before my very eyes - at this very moment - for something new.... now.   Wait.  Now.  No, now.  No NOW.
So when someone comes up and says, "I LOVE when you lead worship!"
Instead of feeling awkward and unsure of how to respond to what their words say, I'm finally beginning to hear that they really mean, "I LOVE going there.... I LOVE going where you go with the Lord."
And deep inside my heart the Lord is whispering to me, "I KNOW you don't feel qualified.  I KNOW you don't feel like you're worthy.  I KNOW you are unsure of your right standing with me at times.  ... But:  I LOVE when you go there with Me.  I LOVE going there with you.  And THEY do too and THAT is OKAY."

This - THIS is what the body is all about.  We - all going to our sacred places with the Lord - transparently sharing our hearts in true fellowship and communion, are spurring each other on to be one.  One with God and one with each other, with God.
And notice how I made the distinction between "Praise-leader" and "Worship-leader".
Worship is a lifestyle.  Praise is an action.
Praise is what we do on Sunday mornings with each other before the Lord..
Worship is where we're going and dwelling.

So as I praise the Lord - and as I go to that secret place which has been built on my history with Him - oh and also, as I do that in a public congregation - I become not only a leader of praise at that moment, but also a leader of worship - because I'm taking people to the most real place I know:  my place with God.  If this is done right - if this is done in full submission to the Spirit and done in the most humble, serving of ways, it will not "fill" people, but cause more awareness of their own hunger and thirst for a secret place where it is just them and God.  Its exhilarating - to be delightfully touched and entirely unsatisfied all in the same moment.
That is where the teaching comes in: you're not supposed to be filled on that Sunday morning for the rest of the week.  You're supposed to crave the presence of God by it. Its the one Good thing that you can never get too much of.  Its the one Good thing that transforms the untransformable into something beautiful. (And NO!  I don't mean Mega-tron turning into a Tonka Truck!)   Think dirt begin turned into a precious diamond.  Thing an agitating piece of sandish dust being turned into a prized pearl.  Only God can do these things.
Why SHOULDN'T we be fantastically excited when God allows us to experience the fragrance of the beauty He's working in the soul  of someone else with a heart just like ours?
And how insane is it that as a designated praise leader at my church, I'm not able to move beyond how NOT to think about everything with such a self centered mindset!
Dear Lord!  Center my entire self in You!
I have nothing Good  apart from You!

So that kind of shifted my paradigm a little.  


I apologize if this is disappointing to some of you. I AM self centered and I'm terribly young.  The good news is:  I'm growing and moving with God.  I'm not that good at it at times, but I  DO keep getting back up and running (or staggering) to the cross.  I'm finding that it's one of my most favorite places to be: in that shadow - eating the fruit of righteousness with great delight.  And the most startling thing of all is:  He sustains me still, and His banner over me is love.

Right now?  THAT is my good news.  I am a witness of this!  And its not over yet:  He's coming back.

"After all of the years, You're still here, You're still here.
After all of the time, there's still a smile on Your face.
You are so Good, You are so Good."

"Come near, O Burning One.  Come near, O Burning One.
Where can I run from You?  Where can I hide?
You're love has made an everlasting mark on my heart.

So fan the flame.  Fan this flame."

Anyway.  That's all I have for today.  Grace and Peace be with you all who love our Lord.

Restore Me, Restore Others

Its been a while since I've actually posted an actual blog entry.
Mostly this is due to being busy and growing through a lot of changes in my life.

Has anyone ever seen crazy restorations happen when you least expect it - right out of the blue?

This is what my life is encountering right now.

I'm watching some major rifts in relationships be mended - so much and in such a way that it has left me spiritually with my jaw dropped.  I could NEVER have imagined the kind of faithfulness that the Lord is showing me in the life of my family.

Let me explain.

The Lord and I have interesting conversations and there are a few in which a moment is defined by a memorial snapshot for God to bring out later.  Such was the conversation that I had RIGHT  before the biggest fall out my family has ever experienced happened.

We had just changed churches, and my family was in a shambles.  I knew that we needed the Lord's help because it seemed that a lot was falling apart in our family and there was no one who was safe enough to be there for us in that time.
God and I had this conversation where I consulted Him about the entire situation and I was as serious as I could be for a 19 year old.
I said, "Lord, I don't even care anymore how much it hurts, whatever it takes, help us.  Heal my family."
Those 2 words formed into a desperate prayer, "help us!" were more on my lips than any other.

It wasn't too long before some of the biggest secrets came out that were both shocking and mortifying.  Who were these people I called  my siblings?!  None of us had even a clue until that long 4th of July night, 3 years ago.  Never had we experienced so much emotion, so much anger, so much hurt, so much heartbreak in small amount of time.  It was wrecking.

I remembered my prayers, and I didn't understand.
But the Lord was faithful.  He reminded me that in order to help us, He had to clean things out.

Fast forward 3 years and individually, a few us have begun to heal in our own way.  Restoration, we thought at this point was a far off hope.
But it wasn't.

A relationship which has had problems from the get go was restored on an ordinary Friday night at a bonfire AND as of tonight, my parents are meeting with another person who was a major part of the fall out with our family stuff in the first place.

And still, I cannot forget my prayer, "God help us!"

Three years seems like a long time in high school.  But it ends up being faster than one could imagine as you go into your twenties.
Before you know it, 3 years can be planned for without a problem.

Looking back on the last 3 years, I don't see all that God has been orchestrating in our lives. Who knows even now?  But all of a sudden, something has shifted, and its time to make amends.  Beautiful isn't it?
One day, you wake up and no longer feel resentment towards a person who you've been trying to forgive for years.  In fact, you almost feel - love.

Why?


God is faithful.

So here's what I've been thinking.  Its a lie to think we get to where we're going in our own abilities and our own strengths.  Its only when we find the ugly end of ourselves that we begin to actually move forward and beyond ourselves in the first place.

Yeah, some people prosper for a short time even in their wickedness.  But as for me?  As for those of  US who are following Jesus?  We are blessed among men.

"Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.  They are brought to their knees and fall but we rise and stand firm. " - Psalm 20:7-8

Titles, pedestals and man-made positions fade.  One cannot take their college degrees into eternity.  At some point none of that can help you if you don't have favor among men.

But we - we are blessed among men because we have favor with God.

"God, help us."

Desperation.  Deliberation.  Down-right dependent on God being good.
That is what it comes down to.

"3 years" has broken any notion I had that I was in control.   What, was I in control of my emotions? My feelings? My friends?  My family?  My life? My job? My church?

ALL of it came crashing down.
What then, am I left with?  A confused, finite mind - a pride that will fight truly unto its death.

But God.  (What a wonderful phrase - but God .)

But God was answering my prayer.

Only God can help my family at the lowest and highest points.  Everything and everyone else is dispensable.
It comes down to trusting in the good name of the Lord our God.

Same is true for me: only God can really help me.

I've personally been going through a season where I'm allowed to feel EVERYthing for what its worth.
My entire life I've been told I'm oversensitive and so my entire life I've been trying so hard not to feel my emotions to the fullest that they are.  Stuffing all that makes for one angry person - someone who controls themselves impeccably until something sets them off.  But God has been hacking into all of that and I'm able to finally forgive for real.

I'm allowed to be fully angry and I'm allowed to be ecstatically excited.  I'm allowed to!  But that also means that I've got to face the feelings of deep longings, disappointments and even dare to... hope.

No man can help me here.  Only God.  But God.
And He is.  So I'm becoming free.

Free to express, free to share, free to NOT share.  Free to love.  Free to be just ... me.  Not have to worry about people telling me that I feel too much, that I AM too much and that I'm not good enough.
God is my help.  The Spirit is the Heart Changer even in our most wretched state.

Praise the Lord and thanks be to the most High God!  And because He is the Heart Changer, I'm free to finally offer grace to those who have fully betrayed trust.  How can I not when I'm finally beginning to understand how much forgiveness has been bestowed upon me?

"God, help us."

He is a good, good God, guys.  He scares me.  His unpredictable ways undo me.
But He's good and He loves His kids.

Today I visited a friend's church and the word that stuck out in the prayer time was "Restore".
Talking about how restoring doesn't just mean to put something back in its place, but to put something back in its place and abundantly more.  This is the story of my heart right now:  Restoration.

Here are the lyrics to one of my all time favorite vineyard songs:

Restore Me
Michael Flowers
Have mercy on me my unfailing love
Have mercy on me, Redeemer
Please open my eyes
My soul now set free
To surrender

Create in me a pure heart oh God
Renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away
From your presence oh Lord
Cast me not away

Restore me with joy from heaven
Restore me to sing Your praise
Restore me restore others
To follow Your ways

Come breathe on me now
Oh life-giving wind
Come breathe on me now, Redeemer
You’re looking for hearts broken and contrite
Look with favour
Look with favour
Look with favour 

A Pilgrim's Process

Have you ever been in a season of your life where NOTHING goes the way you planned and EVERY way you thought you would react is absolutely not the way you end up reacting?
Or how about the one where you don't just wrestle with God all night long - but for MONTHS long?
Or what about the season where you almost welcome the ugly truth at any cost, just so there's finally some absolutes in the muddled mess of chaos that seems to be all-encompassing in the brain and heart part of your life?

Add those 3 examples up and stir in a few more - and you've got the season I've been in for probably the last 2 months or so.

I've had more midnight encounters with the Lord in the last 5 months than I've had in my entire lifetime.
I remember asking God to inconvenience me if it meant losing sleep at night.  I didn't know that the answer to this prayer would be accompanied by the turmoil I've been facing in my heart these past few months.

In a nutshell, I've been facing the all-too-real fact that apart from God, I can do nothing that benefits me or anyone else.  Not only that,

Those Midnight Encounters

Have you ever had those moments when you look at the clock, its past midnight but there's business you know you have to do with God?  Its those moments when your flesh tells you that you need 'so many' hours of sleep for your 'busy work day' ahead of you... which is busy EVERY day... But isn't God worth the lack of sleep for a day?

This week has been a major wrestling match with God.  I'm an analyzer. I don't get my heart.  I don't get my situations.  And what it really comes down to is:  I don't get God.  I've been praying and thinking and analyzing and round and round my thoughts go, trying to come to SOME conclusion that makes sense.  But nothing does, because I have a small and limited view.

My Thoughts on "the One" Theory.

I'm not going to lie, this whole conversation really made me think about what I really believed and God took the opportunity to correct my heart a little.

I've always believed that God has that "One special person" for everyone.
Sept... not everyone CARES to have a "One special someone" out there so much as just whomever they choose would  BE that person.

I mean, I absolutely DO!  Its been on my heart for a decade now to pray for my future husband - that one special person who's just going to get me and know me and understand me.

But God gave me a reality check - just because I've done that, doesn't mean everyone ELSE has.
AND?  Its okay.


God kinda gave me a picture - not a completely accurate one, but a picture none the less of the way this might work.

Esther.  The story about a courageous woman who somehow was chosen above hundreds of other beautiful women to be queen.

Here's the pitch:  hundreds of girls go through a YEAR of beautification and then get to choose what they're going to wear and what they're going to bring with them for their "one night with the king."
AWESOME!  Right?

Esther says to the guy in charge, "I don't want to choose.   You know the king better.  YOU give me what you think is best."


I'm not saying I'm Esther.

What I'm saying is - not everyone thinks to ask God for the best in their love life AND - not everyone is supposed to.

But Esther asked for the best.  And she got it.

Its okay if a small handful of people choose to ask God what HE thinks is best.  It may be that their's is a story that will impact hundreds of people like Esther's.

Will MY story impact hundreds of people?  You know?  If it brings people to a fuller knowledge of Christ, then YES,  I WANT it to.  But if it just impacts the people I directly communicate with on a day to day basis, then thats okay too.  The idea is to inspire others to seek out God's best for them.  It may not be in finding a mate, but it COULD mean that they need to ask God for the best in the job realm or in the career path, or in the financial arena, etc.

So do I believe in "The One" Theory?  Yes.  Do I believe its for everyone?  No.

Do I care if my future husband believes that he can just pick anyone and thats good enough for him?

...um.... yes.

I don't want to be a number.

"Oops, this girl didn't work so lets try this one.  OH!  NOT that one, never mind.  maybe this one...." until he comes around to little 'ol Sarah who finally  says yes to him.

I'm sorry but thats not okay with me.  I'd like to think that AT LEAST if the guy I'm supposed to marry isn't thinking about his future wife and praying for her, that he'd be too worried about what God's doing in his life to play the dating game without true intentions of finding the person who could match him in his walk with the Lord.

Those are my own feelings about it, honestly.  I'm not saying its completely right, but if I was trying to please everyone with my opinions, I would've stopped writing in this blog a long time ago.
:)

Those are my thoughts.

-Sarah

Joseph and the starting of the book of Sarah's Proverbs.

Joseph
He got so screwed over - over and over again!  ...Yet...He ended up being a man who blessed a whole nation - his family AND His God.  Faithful, faithful guy.

Sigh.  Maybe I won't have my family bowing down to me... but thats okay.  I don't want that anyway.

I just want to know that what I've sown in love will not be wasted, thats all.

Once again, I know I'm writing a lot, but its awesome to just be free to write again... even if its not extravagant.

And ps:  I do have a new proverb - as Christian as I am - and as much as I love Jesus, I can say this very honestly:

Sarah's Proverbs 1:1 - Listen up, ladies (daughters) and don't ever forget this:  Just because you are a beautiful Christian girl and you love Jesus, doesn't mean you won't get screwed over in life by an a-hole at some point.  But it DOES mean God will grow you lots, if you let Him.  2. Thats why you need to guard your hearts, for it IS the wellspring of life... and you COULD die of heartbreak otherwise.  

I think someone should write a book about their "love-life" journey for the girls who love Jesus, don't really like the concept of dating around but don't live in a world where you're sheltered from all the "wrong Ones" out there.  Its just the truth.  Its hard to filter out who's real and who's not.  I'm not talking about a "how-to" book.  I'm just talking about a book where a real life girl gets hurt in REAL LIFE and still feels like she did what she felt God wanted her to do.
I of all people always wanted to marry the only person I courted, wanted to share my first EVERYthing with just him and have such an awesome, ideal, wonderful love story.  I'm so careful about who I feel might be worth my time if He's interested in me.  But... you can do all the right things... and still get the wrong end of the deal.  Wheres the book out there that encourages women like me?  I love Passion and Purity - but hey... honestly, I'm not praying that I have to wait 7 years to find out if God actually wants me and the man I love to be together or not!!!  Though... Elisabeth's point is both beautiful and very valid.

So... Joseph.   Got screwed over.  Many times.    But God used him BIG.
Maybe I have a small bit of hope yet.

...Calculated Chaos in the Midst of ... Peace?

My life has taken a few undetected turns since I last wrote...
But strangely enough, I'm not too alarmed.  There's so much going on with my family ... dare I share that I believe God may be restoring us?

My brother and my sister (my sister being gone and not around for a year and a half, my brother being gone for about 5ish/6ish months) are finding themselves back at home more and more often, and our family is receiving them with loving arms.  Last Friday, along a brave young man's request to pursue me, my family... my Family was all together for the first time in a year and a half.  My grandparents included... EVERYONE around the table.  ... Something happened in my heart that night.  It felt like home for the first time in a LONG time.

Open hands

Trust And Obey

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.
Refrain

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Refrain

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

Refrain

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

I happened upon this lovely old hymn in looking for lyrics to another. The title caught my attention (as it should,) and I couldn't help but explore the stanzas of the well-written truths. Here it was: the song I was REALLY looking for.

All morning long, the only phrase I kept thinking was, "open handed, open handed, open handed."

Is there not a point where we get "caught" in our lives? We get caught in good or bad actions. We get caught by people, caught in circumstances, caught in the middle, caught in between, caught off guard, caught in a lie, caught in a tangle of a mess....
And it was time for me to be caught.

Note to self... and anyone else.

If God calls you a locked garden, and when you find yourself upset because no one seems to have tried to come in - then isn't it God, you have a problem with, not man?

hm.

And it doesn't mean no one's tried, but rather, that the Owner has said no?


huh.


I know I should feel pretty offended.

but I think I'm past that.


I can only smile.

"I REFUSE!" .... is easier said then done sometimes.

thrusting forward to get to a place to go back.
Back to a place where when I first met Him
...
I believed Him.

I believed what He said. There was no question.
I saw the Lord. I spoke to Him with a simple understanding that if He was real, then so was I.

So what happened?

People hurt you deeply.

Circumstances grow you up. Sin grows you old.

Difficulty begins to define you instead of the Word.
I mean, after all, "difficulty meets me in the reality of the world."


I struggle with myself, consistently. Sometimes I'm okay, and other times I'm in a shambles. Its easy to get my heart turned towards the Lord and determine that "all that is mine is actually God's" when I don't have the numbers of my checking and savings accounts in front of me, after forking over hundreds in car repairs.

I'm struggling quite a bit actually. All this stuff is just running through my head, "what if I can't get my savings back up? what if I need money for ANOTHER emergency and I don't have any? I CAN'T get my savings back up right now! I reaaaally need to get it back up. What if I got married in 5 years? I don't have ANY MONEY set aside! How am I going to pay for the internship? I SHOULD have health insurance, but I just can't afford it. OH MY GOD. MY HOURS are friggen cut! How am I going to pull this off?" LOOPING OVER and OVER! And I have to stop myself and try to remind myself that God takes care of these things! But....


Okay... so, SARAH has been taking care of herself for a long time in this area. When Sarah needed to buy something, Sarah saved and planned and budgeted and worked. She was in control of all of this, and she was blessed.

But now? One thing after another and another and another. And it JUST KEEPS GOING!!!!!!!!! I've never felt so.... insignificant in all of my LIFE. I am SO responsible with my finances, how could this happen?

And so I'm struggling with the truth that - God is entirely in control. I need to take my place here - and that place has NOTHING to do with me being in control.
I just feel like a total failure and I have no idea how I'm going to regain all that I'd worked for.

But then..... Why did I work for it? What was I working for?

I don't know.
I definitely feel defeated.
And I understand that this is a VERY good thing, do not get me wrong!
In fact, I pray that a sweet lesson in humility is learned through all of this - and gained, a strengthening of faith.

I have no idea how I'm going to provide financially for myself, going forward.
But you know what?


This time - I need to let God cover that area of my life. Just because something that was entirely out of control happened, doesn't mean that I'm irresponsible or that God thinks I failed in what He gave me to take care of.
I KNOW this. - in my head.

But I REALLY need to know this in my heart, and I don't.
Its why I'm so upset about it.


Sigh.

you know? These were Sarah thoughts today. Nothing profound or intelligent. I just needed to write this out for myself.

A Conclusion, to Begin With....( :) what an oximoron!)

"I want what I can't have, but if I had what I can't have right NOW, it wouldn't be what I want."


Hm. I was talking to the Lord today in my car. For the first time in such a long time, I felt like I could just come before Him - nothing hindering. I think a lot of that has to do with final obedience in certain areas of my life where I finally surrender. There's places in my life that hold a certain shame over me and its like this vicious cycle. Shame. You feel like you then, can't deserve God's love. So you feel MORE shame. But then, you DON'T RECEIVE God's love at all because you don't feel worthy of it, and actually, in that whole process of not receiving, you're choosing pride because ultimately, not receiving God's love is saying that you don't NEED it. And if you don't receive it, you're choosing your own strength which IS pride - the very thing that began sin itself. So then I'm caught in this cycle of looking inward at myself and then I become self-centered and THAT is (probably not entirely accurate, but indirectly) the opposite of God-centered.


BUT! I was talking to the Lord in my car, this evening and I ultimately came to the conclusion which is my first sentence in this blog. And I think He chuckled at me for telling Him MY plans to be okay with HIS plans.
And yet, I felt so loved.
I have been recently mulling over the relationships that bring me delight and joy in my life and found myself trying to come to grips with the way God must enjoy me if I enjoy the people around me so much.
I find myself deeply enjoying the companionship of the friends God chooses to place into my life and then I wonder if that is how God enjoys me.

But then, I realize, I am human. I can't possibly know anything beyond myself and I'm just ONE PERSON. He made EVERY person which means that God has the capacity to know what every person feels like ALL at the SAME TIME and somehow STILL be able to handle it all without freaking out!!! So that would bring me back to thinking about how He loves me.
How He loves His Bride.
I am not going to lie. I just don't get it. I don't understand it. I don't see it. I don't see what He must see in me. How He could love me so much, find me so beautiful, to delight in me so much. I just can't see it.
But everything in me has no reason other then TO receive it. And I WANT to. But then I realize, I have a hard time just saying yes. I realize its a humbling experience for me. And how twisted right? That in order to humble myself, I have to choose to allow God to show me who HE sees me to be rather then the screw up I see in myself.
It just blows me away.

You know all those love songs that talk about how the girl takes the guy's breath away? How every part of Him longs for her and how he just couldn't live a moment without her?

Okay, so, I'm a cynical kind of person in my mind, and, I'd roll my eyes at it merely because I've been there and done that and talk is cheap. I have a hard time with that, sometimes. But the truth is - I want to BE that girl. I want to deserve to be that girl.
Avril Lavigne did this song a few years ago and the lyrics to this song resonated in my mind because... it spoke something huge.

I'm tuggin' at my hair, I'm pullin' at my clothes, I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows. I'm staring at my feet, My cheeks are turning red, And I'm searching for the words inside my head
'Cause I'm feeling nervous, Tryin' to be so perfect, 'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
If I could say what I want to say, I'd say I want to blow you--away, Be with you every night, Am I squeezing you too tight? If I could say what I want to see, I want to see you go down on one knee, Marry me today, Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say.

I'm not good enough for this guy, but I want to blow him away. This song? This song is the song of a girl the Lord loves. I want to blow Him away. But I'm so worried that I'm not worth it to Him because of how imperfect or how inadequate I feel and what I'm beginning to see is that God's love knows no bounds. I will never be able to understand it.

And... a truth is over me while I write this: He says I DO blow Him away. I want to SO BADLY, too!
God! I just want to blow away my future husband! I want to believe that even though I don't deserve him, that I'll end up with him in the long run, and here I am with this Love Story being played out. Jesus and Me. I blow Him away. I will never deserve Him. Yet He's made me worth it by sacrificing it all. If I DIDN'T receive His love, His sacrifice would be for nothing. I'd be dishonoring the only Man who truly deserved all honor which! Is NOT what my heart would EVER want to do.


But you know what ends up happening in the long run?

I end up being blown away.

For crying out loud I don't know what to do with myself.
I feel like a harlet learning that there's such a thing as love from lust!
You know, kind of like "Pretty Woman"? A prostitute and yet to him she is the most beautiful, worth-while woman on the planet.


So, tonight, while I was talking to the Lord in my car, for the first time in a while, I didn't feel like I was taking His time. I didn't feel like I talk too much. I didn't feel like I wasn't a good listener. I didn't feel like I just needed to shut up because God is tired of listening to me...
I felt heard.
Adored.
Cared for.


Do you know what crazy things people will do to feel those things?
sigh.

I worry so much.
I don't even realize I do until I see that actually, worry is tied to fear.
And I fear betrayal and no one standing for me, or protecting me. I guess, fighting for me.

But God is.
I know He is. I want to understand that He is. I want to submit myself to His leadership with all thats within me because I know that He is.

I was talking to some friends last night and the question came up about what makes a man a man and what makes a woman a woman.

Ultimately, the conclusion came to - a man is a man when he takes leadership in his relationships and in the things he pursues. But that he is taking that leaderships while following the leadership of the Lord.
AND, that a woman is a woman when she can take the lead when need be, but rather, can also submit to the leadership of those set over her with grace, and actually, that IN that, she IS a leader, by following the Lord's leadership in her life.

This is not to demean women or their place. THIS is a place where the heart enters before the Lord. A place of submission. I know that its a beautiful place because the Lord is showing me how to dwell there.
I like to think that I'm His woman, then.

:)


So really, here I am, still thinking about that conversation with the Lord.
At the end, I sat back, in my seat, in my drive way, and I felt a rest I've not felt in... aaah! So long. A peace - a freedom in sitting before Him.
And I simply said after a slightly exasperated, slightly frustrated-because-I'm-annoyed-with-myself-for-feeling-things-I-don't-exactly-want-to-feel sigh, "Thank you, Lord - for listening." And I felt so blessed. So unworthy - and yet so dearly loved. I knew I could talk to Him anytime.

This blog was too long. ;-P

read at your own risk.

Absence of Words... a glorious.... most torturous resort.

So there are both funny things and serious things going on in my mind right now. I guess I'll start with funny cause I want time to write about the stuff that is more thoughtful.


First!!! THIS is funny:

1. "I'm your biggest fann!!!!!!!1!1!1!!1111!!!!!ONE!!!11!!!!11!!!!one!!!!"

2. "OF COURSE I know enough about Hawaii to be a tour guide! “This is a beach. Flirt on it. This is the ocean. Flirt in it. Here are some palm trees. Flirt under them. This is your snazzy hotel room….I’ll let you two figure it out from here…That’ll be $10,000 plus a handsome tip.” And the rest I would just google a minute or two before the tour…" -MW

3. Its the Beaver's life for me... I just got damned things going on everywhere!
--my best friends grandma

4.Sharin: YOU are full of bologna, Sarah.
Sarah:....... no, *pause*...I'm full of guts!


5."Steak makes everything better. After all, if we're eating animals, then we're not eating people. And if we're not eating people... thats a good thing!" - Me (yes, I occasionally find myself funny)


6.I saw a man pursuing the horizon;
Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this;
I accosted the man.
"It is futile," I said,
"You can never -"
"You lie," he cried,
And ran on.
- Stephen Crane



7."...you may find me fat, but you will find me, very easily, you will find me." -- part of a poem out a cute "101 poems to get you through the day" sort of book I looked at in Barnes and Nobles

8.Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. - Miss Piggy



9. When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap. - Cynthia Heimel (not entirely what I would call funny, but since this seems to be the the theory of my life, I thought it fit well.)

10. I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Theresa (oh, to relate to the complaints in many of us. hehe. I chuckled at this one.)



And just so you know, many were copied and pasted. I wouldn't go through the trouble of writing these out here as my little coffee shop hang out will be closing soon. Some of these sayings seem to sum up my life and its pretty funny. What else can you do? Nothing. I'm probably one of the most awkward people I'll ever know. The grand part of all of this? Here's seriously the secret: I pretend like I MEAN to be awkward all the time so that it doesn't make any difference when I really DO feel absolutely awkward.


Misfit.

I've been thinking alot about this word lately.

I really am one, aren't I?
I mean, I've known this for quite a while. But I guess you get reminded when you're submitted into a new clan of people.

So I was talking to some girls about some of what I believe. I don't know, its great to hang out but you don't really know them until you get to.. well... know them.

I'm a misfit.

Hah, I was talking about how I think I may scare some guys in small group and I don't know but something was said that made me think a little.

Maybe I'm a "little too much for guys but you know, in a good way."

AHha. The age old phrase in my head. No one's ever actually said that to me, before now. Well, in no particular terms, I've been sort of told that all my life. I'm too much to handle (hello, and who gave anyone permission to handle me?) I've got too big of a personality, too big of a laugh. Too intense. Too bold. Too upfront. I give too much away of who I am.
I'm too deep sometimes. Too much. OR or, here's the other one, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough, not pretty enough not smart enough not womanly enough not girly enough not tomboyish enough just... not enough.
But mostly its that I'm too much.

Now I understand that God is just totally moving me around for which I am quite grateful! To not initiate everything all the time, including pursuing the desires I have for full time ministry.

I need to let God do it all in His time and I need to do what He has me to do NOW, and He'll bring the opportunity as it comes, but I'm not to MAKE it happen.

Too much though...

I know it wasn't meant to hurt me, but I guess it just hit me in a really deep place some where that goes back to the time where I was about 8... "Sarah, you laugh too much. AND really loud. Its just too much." hah, I remember that first "too much" very very well. I was 8 or 9. I'm nearly 20 and I still check myself to make sure I'm not laughing too much or too loud.

I KNOW that's not how God sees it, I really do! But this is just a different sort of thing. Its a place where, along with my difficult acceptance of being a misfit, has been something I've faced all my life.

Too much.



But then I'm filled with peace.


Right here, is where Jesus meets me.

He knew so much. He saw so much. He WAS too much for everyone to handle.
Who can handle God? No man.

He never fit in, in fact, He brought other misfits to fit in with Him.
Do you know - this is a hard concept for a child to get their head around. I was no exception. How do you tell your kid who can't make friends ANYwhere that God has called them to stick out? I'm not sure you can. My mom used to tell me all the time that I shouldn't try to fit in, but she didn't understand either when I cried and cried in her arms when I came home from an event.

I wonder if Jesus felt that way as a child. I wonder if He wondered if there was something wrong with Him? My childhood is a memory. I remember being brilliantly creative. I have since then become much more dull. But oh, I was a cool kid. I just wish I could have been able to come along myself really, the things I could tell myself! The hugs I would give... I would cry great tears as I held this child.

I wonder if thats why Jesus came. So that He could reach the misfits. I think thats it. I think I just hit it on the head. He became a man because He wanted to show us that - oh, the hugs He would give. Oh the great tears He cries as He holds each child. And then I wonder, even then did He hold me? Do His tears change for my age? I hope not. I think He knew who I'd become. And I think that's why He can love us no more then He already does - because He KNOWS us. When He knew me at 3, saying yes to Jesus in my baby voice, He knew the same me at 18, saying yes to Him again. When He knew my wholly romantic heart at 15, He knew me when I will be 56, fully enthralled, hopefully, in the Love of God.

The misfit, through and through.

I went to Ihop Cleveland last Saturday and 2 young women approached me and asked me if they could pray for me.

Then they began to speak of me being called to be a voice in the wilderness, making ready the people of God.
SLAM. My heart broke. That's it. That's why I'm here. I'm SUPPOSED to be on the outside.

Something else, as well here - People will be drawn to the wilderness because of who I am - the "too much" that apparently I have is exactly the thing God wants to use to draw people unto Himself.

The grand thing of it all? These girls told me that I need to remember though, that I can't worry about moving the hearts of man. Another slam. I knew this was for me.

I just need to worry about moving the Heart of God - because that is my greatest glory - His Love for me. And He'll do everything else.

God, thats AMAZING. You know? He DESIRES all that is too much for man, because it wasn't MEANT for man. It was meant for God - and all of a sudden, my "too much" becomes exactly His portion from me. Its all that He desires. Its enough for God.


crap, guys!




We've been getting wrong for so long!!

My Ending Thoughts to 2008's Conclusion.

To begin with, the 3 pictures directly above what I'm writing seem to sum up my life in the last year.
A weeping willow tree - weeping, beautiful, strong.
a dancer - I have this one on my dresser - this little thing so very clearly identifies with my heart before the Lord, especially this last year.
And the exhausted, sobbing angel. If I could picture my spirit, it might've looked something like this....



Sometimes I wish I wasn't so curious about how people are doing all the time because I'm usually dissapointed.

A wise woman told me all my life, "Sarah, don't put your trust in people. People will ALWAYS let you down. Put your trust in Jesus. He never ever changes."

The same woman also told me all my life, "Sarah, you were never meant to fit in. You were always made to stick out. Thats a gift!!"


Two very profound statements that have surrounded my life like a swarm of bees around their hive.

Always happening. Always moving. ALWAYS relevant.


What a deep, wounded year for me.

2008.

Fold after fold of pain upon pain, attack upon personal attack.

A moment in life where I was made to count it all loss for the sake of the Cross.

The cross I would bare.


I don't think I've cried so bitterly in my life, as I have in this phase of these long and yet so shortly lived 12 months.
I don't think I've been so lonely. I don't think I've been so slain within my heart.
I don't think I've ever seen a more broken heart then mine. I guess you could try to compare it to one I saw breaking on the church steps a few years ago, inbetween services, as she learned her boyfriend had died. But I don't think you can. This heart desires deeply to do the will of God. It has been seasoned, even if just a little. This agony I dare say, may go much deeper. I may have kissed the agony of Christ. Shared with Him in His dispare. In His batrayal. His best friend betrayed Him for silver - for the religious leaders. The "Church". His other friend denied he ever knew Him 3 times, after he so loudly and boldly stated he would follow Him even unto death. I have known such betrayal, even if just a fraction. But even to the small extent I have endured, the pain was 10 times worse.

Why, Lord?


A very simple cry, I have indeed begged Him.


"To watch with Me for an hour, Child."


A deep, ingrained answer to the very core of my being. I know why. Because I am His. A true disciple. He will take me on a Journey that He Himself has gone.
And, there will be moments of ministry that will need a tear-stricken revelution. A conlusion made with the most needy of hearts - the testimonies I bear.


Forgiveness.

This is soo so new to me. I forgive easily when someone admits they're wrong.
Its easy, isn't it?

But what if they think they're right? What if they don't care? What if they take joy in hurting you or if they put you in a place where YOU have to explain EVERYTHING when its nothing you can fix and its nothing that you did?

Seven times, Lord?


"No Child, Seventy times Seven. Keep Going, dear One."


Sobs.

I have never been so strained in this place before. Give grace when all you feel is hate? I admit, I am more angry at injustice and being accused wrongly then I am of the actual offence itself. I am angry of the actions that proceed the supposed "clearing up" of an issue.

Its so WRONG!

BUT.


God is God, and vengance is His.

Let forgiveness flow.

I am a hypocrite. I have unforgiveness in my soul. It runs in my vains into my very torn up heart. I have been so very very wounded.
I mean, really, theres a well inside of me thats bursting and I don't know how to just let it go. But I WANT to let it go. I want to cry until I'm free.

I think thats the point. This is where God wants me.

Where I am in a place where I'm not in charge.
I WANT to do the right thing, and the rest of it, I'm not in control of.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Bring her into the wilderness
And speak kindly to her.
"Then I will give her her vineyards from there,
And the valley of Achor as a door of hope
And she will sing there as in the days of her youth...
And it shall be, in that day,”
Says the LORD, “ That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’
And no longer call Me ‘My Master'".

Hosea 2:14-16

I am a broken bride.

I have given my heart away to so many things - I've been a harlot of sorts.

Yet He called me here.
Blessed year of 2008.
A right to womanhood.
A passageway through which I become intimate with Him.
A place where I will not only sing as I did in the days when I first met Him, but I will be redeemed because I have lost so much innocence.

Every tear, God told me, He knows what exactly its for. He knows the reason for it.
I must have had so many unspoken, unformed reasons this year.

But one thing I've learned more then anything this last year is: I NEED Him. I NEED Jesus. He's MORE than enough for me. He IS my Love. He IS my life. He FILLS my desires. He quenches my thirsts. Every word that proceeds from His mouth is better then mere bread. His love is better then wine. Nothing can satisfy the void that only He can fill.
Friends can't fill it, boyfriends can't fill it, my dreams can't fill it, my music can't fill it, WORDS can't fill it, my ego can't fill it. Nothing can!

I am poor. I am in deed. My spirit is quiet, poor, humbled. Faithful.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs in the Kingdom of God."

Heh. These people have the kingdom of God. What a witness. What a way to draw all men unto Himself.


The Vineyard. A place where I worked hard. Dark but lovely. But Jesus said to me, "Martha, Martha, Martha."
And I knew, the Vineyard was not my ministry. Jesus was. And when I began to touch that concept the most amazing thing happened in my heart: a Garden began to flurish, full throttle.

"And He will give her her vineyards from there"...


So very cleverly thought, that I go to a Vineyard church now.
Growing friendships, endless possibilites.
A new job.
Light at the end of the tunnel?

I don't know. I'm too busy staring at the Center of my life to pay attention to that. Everything just.... comes together in chaotic unision to revolve around this thing called God's Love.

"And all of a sudden, I am unaware of the afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great You're affections are for me."



A new year is the most exciting thing that could happen for me right now.

To leave it all behind and press on.

"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,
and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith,
that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death;
in order that I mayattain to the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.
Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. "

philipians 3:8-12




Its one of my most favorite things Paul ever said.


And I will end this entry with that.


Not that I've been made perfect, but this I know, forgetting those things which are behind, I press on towards the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

So let it be done, in Jesus Name.




I love you, dear brothers and sisters. Thank you for reading.

Frienemies: Living a Life of Love Towards Those Who Hurt You and Hate Your Guts

In response to a comment in my last posting:

How has staying away from people who have hurt me been working out for me?



Its difficult because you still live in the same community. Its difficult when you hear gossip that is STILL going on about you after 7 months or so.
And it takes quite a bit of prayer to keep my heart in a place where I am submitting to God and His heart for EVERYone, including those who have betrayed me.

Its very difficult.

It is a broken thing.


It should've never happened.


But, it did. It did happen and it continues to happen in the body of Christ.
It is a place where God seems to walk His disciples through at some point.

Kind of like the underground railroad, those who have paved the trail before, go back and get people and take them on the journey.

Jesus does the same thing with those who follow Him. He first paved the trail, and now He is taking His truest followers into the depths and turmoils of His life and teaching them how to continue to keep the faith and never lose heart rather.... expanding the heart to be something of a God thing.


My heart is terribly broken for the loss of everything I've ever known. I am beyond blessed to even have the few friendships that have lasted this long.

I have been kissed by the one who has betrayed me. Not once, not twice, but three times. I have been rejected by leaders. I have been made a keeper of the vineyards. Dark but lovely.


Who would have thought that God could love someone like me?

Jesus thought.


Thats why I walk the path that so many pilgrims have walked before me - and my tears join those of the saints on the beaten road that Jesus calls those He loves to walk.

And I am dearly humiliated.

It is NOT easy to continuesly be told that part of it is my fault. It is not easy to have people look on you like you're the black sheep of the bunch. It is not easy when the so called church critics you for your ideas and your passions and condemns you for caring about things beyond the walls of the building.

Its merely working out by the grace of God.


And a continual level of forgiveness in my heart towards these people. And that is not easily kept. Just so everyone knows. I just have to remember not to grow tired of doing the right thing.

Be joyful always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks.



Sigh.




Now to actually continue in that day by day.

Get back to Jesus, Kids. Grow up.

I've been feeling meloncholy as of late. Not because I'm depressed or having a pity party, but because I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately.

I've been thinking about how religious so many people are. I've been thinking about how two-faced so many of the people I know have become. I've never thought I was two faced, but to be honest, I HAVEN'T been honest. I put on the "everything is okay in love and ministry" face and that was never right of me. Its NOT okay in love and ministry. Its WRONG when it goes against God's word. And its WRONG when it causes disunity between His believers. One thing that God has laid on my heart as of late is the unity God wants for His followers to have with one another. We will be known by our love for one another.

Interesting.


Another thing: True love is revealed when hard times come and when its hard to love the people you say you love.


I've realized quite a few things with this truth: FIRST, that if you ask God to show you how to love like He does, He WILL, and it won't look like what you thought. And SECOND, many people do not know how to love the way God does.

I never knew this until the last year of my life.

When people say they love you, they really don't know they do until they DECIDE to love you anyway and PROVE that love through their acts of love towards any said person.

It has been a deeply saddening realization that what I have suspected to be true is true. I often love people more then they will ever love me. My naivety is that I believe they love me back in the same way I love them.

Something that hurts me as I watch many of my peers is that to them, (and even to me, to a certain extent) love is conditional.

I'll love you only as long as things feel good.

I'll love you only if you agree with me ALL the time.

I'll love you as long as you don't hurt my feelings.

I'll love you as long as you stay away from the person I like.

I'll love you as long as YOU take responsibility for why our relationship didn't work out.

I'll love you IF.

IF, IF IF.


I HATE THE WORD IF IN THIS CONTEXT!!


its BS.


God NEVER used IF when He told us to love one another. He NEVER gave His people, His followers a choice - a preference.

I love you EVEN if I can't be your friend right now because I don't agree with you.

I'll only love you IF you continue to go to the same church.

IF you try to work things out (like they have the right in the first place to assume that you didn't.)

IF you'll sweep the issues under the carpet.

IF you'll suck it up and go back to the people who critisize you the most.

IF you match up to MY ideal of courage.

IF you do things MY WAY.


I'm sorry... when did God say IF when it came to the unity of His body?

"Now thumb, you only have to help the OTHER fingers IF they can cordinate to what you're trying to do. If they aren't quite as cordinated as you, you can just be limp."

"Now hands, you only have to put your hair up in a pony-tale IF it works the first time. If not, you can let your eyes and mouth deal with having it wave all in its face."


What


THE


FREAKING


heck, guys?




Since when did God give us permission to slander each other within the church walls.


Yes! the church walls.


Are we not TEMPLES of a Holy Spirit?


Whether we contain anger or bitterness and how it not only then DWELLS in your temple but will then COME OUT and be taken in by OTHER temples of a Holy God?


Church, GET ON YOUR FACE.


You are NOT exempt from Judgment! You WILL stand before a Holy God and account for every person you ever gossipped about - every thing you DIDN'T do. EVERYthing you did. Every Idle you chased after. Every man you laid with, Bride!

Each ONE of us is guilty!! So who are we to pass judgment on each other if it is nothing to do with encouraging one another to do the right thing or building up each other with positive rebukes and true love and fruit coming out of the way we show conCERN for each other?!


YES I'M UPSET!


I'm not HERE to feel comfy in this religion where we can answer all the right answers and pretend we've got it all together cause, you know, we're saints now.


NO.



We'd BETTER be on our face repenting before a Sovereign God and we'd better HOPE that we're one of the sheep when He is weeding us out because I can assure you, the harvest is nearing with each day we waste living the New and Revised 21st Century American Dream reading our new americanized, de-sexualized, watered-down versions of a Bible we only buy because the covers are cool.


Guys?


I'm a freaking, damned to Hell - SINNER.


The only thing that makes me different is God's Grace that, praise the Lord, is in the business of transforming my heart to be soft and more like Jesus.

Without that, I'm done-fore.


But just because someone writes a convicting blog where YOU ASSUME they're NOT doing what they say the church should do, doesn't mean that they're not doing it.


You don't know where they meet God alone in their room.

You don't know what kind of prayer they dive into for the people they dont even know.

You don't know if they obey God even down to the little "pick up that piece of paper"s.

You DON'T know.


Its just YOUR responsibility to respond to God.

When God gives a word to you, you need to go before Him and deal with Him about your issues with people, and to be honest, ME.


Stop going to your "best friend". You don't even know how long God will bless you with that friendship. Stop going to "Your Mom". YOu may not know what kind of HER issues are rubbing off of you.

Stop going to "YOUR thought patterns". You're NOT always right and you never know what or HOW you are thinking may get in the way of the sort of things God wants to teach your heart.


I'm done with people not going to God about stuff. I'M done with that.


Now stop caring about what some dumb girl is saying and start wondering if God wants to speak to YOU through it.




For God's SAKE.

A Time of Numbness Comes to a Sudden Close

You know what ticks me off? People who complain about not having any friends, but they were the ones who killed the friendships they had. And you know what? No one hears me complaining?! I'm SO annoyed by those who complain ALL the time about the things they don't have but aren't even willing to admit that THEY'RE the ones who made it all happen CONSCIOUSLY. What happened to sticking with your girls when things got rough? What happened to, "I'm with you girl!"?



I'm pissed off because I can't make friends as easily as people think and the few that I have YEARS with can't deal with me. I'm too much. Its MY fault.


GOD!



I'm SO tired of SCREWY THINGS. ITS NOT A GOD THING. Its an US thing. WE'RE the screwed up ones! What is up with telling people that God told you things but you can't back it up with scripture? What is UP with HINDERING friendships because God told you something? Gah.


I'm SO frustrated.


And the hardest part is: I'm starting to feel EVERYTHING now. No more numbness. Its ALL coming in waves of anger, injustice and just out-right SADNESS.


Mostly I'm just angry. I'm angry at those I trusted to be doing GOD things and instead they're hiding from conflict.


GOD I HATE IT.


I just want to cry. No one's growing up here except for me, and its against my own premonitions.



*This is a disclaimer. Anything that may have been said was spoken out of emotional stress and over-flowed feelings. However, this disclaimer does not disqualify the truth and reality still proclaimed in the entry above. Thank you.

the example of the tree, and other things

So I'm finally getting everythingt set up for my pc. thats exciting.

For all my readers, I'm pretty sure I make it clear that when I write about something, I'm definitelly including myself in who needs to take action and who needs to check their hearts.

I for one check my heart even before all of you on this blog of mine, besides those times where only the Lord and I go.

I feel it ignorant when people comment a blog without truly reading it. I've read my last blog posting over and over and have found no place where I've been hypocritical. I'm sorry that people feel so quickly judgemental thoughts towards me without first really trying to see my heart.

I by no means think I'm anywhere near in a place of perfection, but I certainly believe that God is on my back about everthing I write or speak about.


So, my heart is sad for those people.

unfortunately, I feel nothing more then apathetic about people's oppinions about me, because most people who feel they MUST have an oppinion usually aren't those who know me very well.


But for those who do know me well... or for those who are looking for encouragement, I have a new poem for you.

It is what God showed me in the park one day, and I sat down and put it into stanzas.

The example of the tree

By: Sarah Gul----- 8-4-08

Sitting in the park one day
I saw there stood a tree
Before my very eyes,
God spoke an analogy of me.

Responding to the wind
As it blew between the leaves
Responding the way it should
As it was meant to from its’ seed.

When the sun shines forth,
It’s arms reach to meet the rays
As it opens itself up
Hiding nothing as it may.

Blossoming its buds
To true intimacy
The sun kisses above
Exploding tree into vibrancy.

Rolling clouds above
They come upon each little tree
My friend is not exempt
From storms, expectancy.

But the tree does not complain,
From an unnecessary soak
It just responds the right way
Pushing roots to stretch and grow.

Taking up its batterment
And bending to the rage
The healthy tree it stands
Finding grace through all the rain.

As the wind sings through
It’s leaves don’t blow away
Rather they respond
Laughing, dancing bright and gay.

The tree bows down before the force
invisible may it be
But its faith it merely pulls
Proving virtue mightily.

It had no say from where it came
Or where it would be planted
What tree it’d be it could not see
Or what purpose it would warrant



All it knew was to respond
And that’s where we broke down
We, meant to live with God as friends
Chose to respond all wrong.

So now just like our little friend
We must go through the cycle
Of dying as small brown speck
Because this step is vital.

Growing as a seedling,
For now we don’t see fruit
Because God is still transforming
Our selves to be brand new.

It is quite a process
To retrace how things should be
Responding simply the way we should
Instead of selfishly.

At some point we grow strong,
And realize where we are
And God showed me like that young tree
I’m in a clearing, set apart.

I did not choose where I’d be planted
Nor my circumstance
Though I found out rather quickly
It means I’m up for more attacks.

Not hidden amongst the trees,
Protection is not so clear
I’m at the Spirit’s mercy
I’m apt to shed more tears.

But just like my little tree,
I bend but do not break
The Spirit and I are friends
And it likes to test my faith.

Not exempt from life’s storms
I must go through each one,
Some branches break, leaves blow away
But my roots are set in strong.

Its in these times when the rain falls
I feel I’m breaking down
That God brings forth the grace I need
Drenching humility in the ground


Then Jesus let his love shine forth
And love makes all things grow
Opening up the life within
Revealing a beautiful glow.
So sitting in the park that day
As I looked upon that tree
I was reminded that my response was this:
To get down on my knees.

more thoughts to come!

I laughed because the truth is, I really AM a sinner without Christ!!

I would like to insert something I wrote to a friend on our blog this time last year, into this one. The truth is startling and absolutely full of laughter for its truth. I busted out and laughed at myself!

God is showing me the pride I sensed in myself but was never mature enough to face OR understand HOW to because it was so great and deep within myself.

I mean really? before, I would admit that I'm screwed up, but somehow get this twisted idea that there was no point to have to repent ABOUT it because you would screw up again anyway and why would God want you to do THAT if you didn't mean it?

So God has in a process actually said to me, "So you say you're screwed up."

"Yes" I say. "I am Definitely screwed up."
"Then you need to repent every day."
"Why? I'll just screw up again."
"Thats why I say my mercies are renewed every morning."
"But if I repent everyday that would mean..."
"that would mean that you screw up everyday..."
".....................wow................"
"Shocker isn't it?"
"........................wow................."
"You aren't perfect, are you?"
"..............wow.............you're right. I'm not............"
"Thats why you need it EVERY MORNING."
".....................wow....................I do!..........."



And so I have finally realized that I always held myself to a standard of perfection which in itself is an imperfect standard... and expected myself to be perfect and got so ashamed of myself if I did something IMperfect. But now I'm being broken down. And all of a sudden... I'm beginning to know my place. that place is, though I have a right to my own thoughts, I have no right to judge. I have no rights, period.



ah.



I'm tired.

I would be tired too, if I had just come up with that!

be reminded, had laugh! We think we're perfect, but the truth is, we think we're perfectly screwed up and we're really not! we're just... screwed up.

Praise the Lord that we are! I would be worried if we weren't!



So here's my next new song that I just finished today.

Enjoy and ask me to do it for you some time!

The Cry of a Sinner
By Sarah F. G-----
7/3/08-7/9/08

Sometimes I forget that this is not my home
Sometimes I forget that I’m not alone
And sometimes I forget that I’m alive
When all I’ve known comes crashing down before my very eyes

And this is my binding creed
This is what makes me, what breaks me

Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.

There’s no sense on dwelling on what is gone
Nor in wishing what’s true isn’t true.
So let my hope rise with the wind that blows my hair in my face
And whisk me off to the now of a new day

But this is my binding creed
This is what makes me, what breaks me

Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.

Life happens to all of us, you and me
But it all happens for a reason
So let my bitterness roll away with the stone from His grave
And let me rise with the Son who saves [it’s a new day]

And this is my victory
This is what makes me free

Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.

God I thank you for my circumstances. Its what the most beautiful perfumes of worship come from, what my most lovely fall comes from. I know that someday I'll see the whole picture and I'll see it through your eyes. But today I recognize that I am but human, and that I do feel loss and pain and betrayal and rejection. I feel hurt. Thank you Jesus for your gift of emotions. Here is my offering to you. Here is my praise for all you've cleaned out of my life... and out of my closet. Praise you Jesus. You are my sweet song. I love you.

True Influence...

So last night was my last night at cornerstone chapel. My heart ached, my eyes cried. But it was one last, sad look on the place of, really, my spiritual youth.

I grew up in the way I should go, there.

But, though God is at work in the place where I've spent so much of my life, He's on to a new thing with me.


I scanned the place where I led worship so many times for so many different people. I took in the carpet that held so many of my tears as I sought some floor space.
I looked at the corner where I sat and prayed for so many people.
I sat in the chairs I never actually sat in very much because I was always in the sound booth running the computer or sound...

And I watched as my pastor - the one who showed me how to lead and pastor as I do now, get on his knees and wash both the new youth pastor and the new youth directors' feet.

I watched as 3 of the strongest men in my life openly wepped, being humbled in so many different ways.

I saw Jesus.


And so, as I took all of this in, I couldn't help but wonder - what sort of legacy did I leave?

None but a few people talked to be as I spent my last Wednesday watching everything go on around me.
I'm sure many have their opinions of me and my choice to leave. I'm sure many are glad. But then there were a few people, surprising as it was, whom I never knew would hug me with tears in their eyes and thank me...

My heart is overwhelmed with a sadness, a love, and a need to continue forward.
I loved these people. I still do. In so many ways I pastored them... as did all the rest of the youth leaders.

But God gave me charge over the 6th grade girls this year, thanks to Pastor Mark, and those girls were MY girls. :)

I grew so much as I taught them as best I could what God has been showing me. I probably grew more then they did.
But one thing I know... it meant more then anything to me when they each gave me hugs as I watched them deal in their own way with the fact that I wouldn't be there again.

Some were silly and acted normal.

Then there were just a few... just a few who sadly looked at me through those beautiful little eyes of theirs and told me they'd miss me and couldn't stop hugging me.

God!

THAT is God.

I could never have loved those girls the way I did without God's love... and that Love He first loved me with.

They mean soo much to me. Heh, no matter what I was going through each week, they were a constant reminder that I needed to just look past myself and my problems for a while to see the beauty of the Lord in each little heart as I listened to THEIR problems.


Influence.

11 years old and the Lord revealed Himself to me. I was 12 years old when He encountered me with His Spirit. 13 when I started thinking about missions. I was 14 when I knew I'd follow Him into the ministry. 16 when I began to lead worship. 18 When I began to truly pursue ministry as a life job... All of which Pastor Mark has only encouraged and helped develope as time went on. Now here at 19, the Lord thinks its time to move MY influencer on. He thinks I'm ready to be without him.

I think of how much Pastor Mark influenced my life... How much his life - the way he lived it, impacted mine.

And then I think of how for just the short amount of essential time I may have influenced these blossoming young women. What will they remember so many years down the line that may have impacted them?

I pray it was Jesus they saw.
I pray that the way I lived MY life, the way I conducted myself, is something they will consider, and that in some strange way, they'd imitate my faith, just as I have been trying to imitate PM's.

I hope that this part of my life would line up with Hebrews 13:7 -

Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith.

I guess you could say that I'm blown away by all God continues to show me about how important it is to represent Jesus to the world.
But you can't just start with the world first.

You must start small. Start young. Start with what God gives you.
Its sort of like the promise of Abraham that we go by - God will multiply us. I may not see the fruits of my labor, but those girls may. Praise the Lord.

:)

What peace, to know that in His time, God makes all things beautiful?

As long as for me, that beauty is in producing fruit, It'll be worth all the heart ache.

It'll be worth every tear.

O Tree where art thou Fruits?

The Stand still.

That's where I am right now.

I'm at the stand still.


I mean, I'm not standing still in anything.... my relationship with God, every day that goes by, my jobs, the intern program... everything keeps going and coming to a slow, quick end. Well, the things that mean the most to me, that is. So much change. I'll be ending the intern program in less then 2 weeks. Its so weird that something that stretched me so much, something that I once was so excited to begin, something that was a whole 10 months, is now coming to an end.

But so much is coming to an end.

My time as a youth leader.
my time as a worship leader at Blast, the Race AND Contact.
My time as an intern.
My time at Cornerstone?

I'm not sure.

But one thing I DO know is, God offered me so many options. I was so confused until I realized He was just looking for a willingness to do ANY one of them for Him!
And when I was willing, God spoke to my heart. In the midst of all the transition at the church, in the midst of what seems to be my EMERGING into the calling of God on my life, in the midst of so much opportunity for ministry work!... would I step down if He were to ask me?

I do not remember the moment this happened. But I do know it happened. And I also know that at that moment, God allowed me to be guided by His peace, because He had offered me the option He wanted me to take, and He knew that if I was listening, I would follow.

And so here I am.


Honestly?


I'm terrified that I have no hold on my life.

A friend said to me, "you know why God asked you to step down and out? Its because you've put all your trust in your 'call' into ministry for your future instead of God." maybe that's not the exact words she said... but that's exactly how I heard it.

She is right.

I've never thought that maybe God wanted something different for my life other than "full-time ministry" as I knew it.

But, here is my hope and peace: as I've decided to step down, God has put in my heart a calling stronger then EVER to full-time ministry.
The difference? It might be to something totally and completely different then what I thought full-time ministry meant.


Now, I need to wait.

argh. I'm bad at waiting. I mean, I'm good at it for a little while, but then I get antsy after a while and by the time the waiting period is pulling through full-term, I usually have myself near convinced that I'm going to die from not doing anything.

But here's a very very valid thing: dude, you're not supposed to just wait around while you're waiting. You're supposed to create a JESUS CULTURE. You're supposed to create an environment around you. You're supposed to create something with what you've got.

Hello?! The parable of the servant and the talents? We're not supposed to bury the moment God gave us and wait for Him to give us another OR to come back! We're supposed to DO something with it!

SO many times I listen to people talk, talk, talk about how we need a revolution. How we need people on fire for God. How if people were REAL believers, the atmosphere would be different, there would be a mass difference in our culture.

And you know what I see? NOTHING. Talk, talk, talk and book after book after book, but NOTHING.

People read those books and go, "wow, that is soo true! That was good." But you see absolutely NO fruits. None. And this is uniform throughout our country from those who live a normal every day life to those who title themselves preachers, pastors, evangelists, and ministers.

And then I get challenged, "well you can't make that generalization, Sarah. You can't say that."

Oh YES I can.

Statistics say that 90% of Americans call themselves Christians. 90%!

The Bible says that we are not to be judgemental, but that we DO need to judge good from evil and discern the spirits AND tell a good tree by its good fruit and a bad tree by its BAD fruit OR by no fruit at ALL, like the fig tree Jesus cursed!

People who aren't Christians aren't to be judged by the standards God has set for us. They don't count here. Why? Because they don't count themselves as that 90%. Thank God for a LITTLE honesty here!

WE'RE counting the 90% of "Christians" in America.

The Bible says if 1 person can slay (or reach) 1000 that 2 people can slay (or reach) 10,000.

So, if this is true, we should see an increase of Fruits of that by 9000%.

Ministries and Churches couldn't be started QUICK enough to hold all the followers and believers! in 2005 a Bible software company took a survey to see what the percentage of users were missionaries. it was about 13%.

Now, if 13% of ALL Christians in America were just missionaries, do you know what kind of IMPACT that would have on our WORLD ALONE?!

I think its safe to say that the Church in America isn't doing their job.

Fewer and fewer young people ever come back to the churches let alone study to be ministers or pastors.

according to statistics done by Battle Cry, just 3% of all American students will be evangelical Christians in the up-coming generation.




That sucks.


So you know what? I'm not going to let the Church misrepresent Jesus Christ this way.

God asked me to wait on Him.
But He never made me an exception to His call for us to be His witnesses in all of our Jerusalem's, Judea's, Samaria's and to the ends of the earth!

Or how about our Niniva's? The places you don't want to go or be?

Guess what! I don't want to just stay here!

But God wants me to wait.

And so I will.

But I'm creative. If He wants me to wait, then this is a test of what I'm going to do with this waiting period of my life. Will I prove myself faithful and give it back to Him doubled? He gives me something that seems like nothing, but if I just be myself, I'll make it into something and isn't that twice as great as what it was before?

God never calls us to be dormant.

Never.


In fact, it has been said that satan's greatest deception is Christianity as it America knows it - lukewarm, boring, dull and the eqivilant of a spiritual Kansas - dry, seemingly fruitless and plain, but a necessary way to get to Colorado from Ohio. :-p


Thats not a true believer's walk, by any stretch.

Kansas isn't anyone's dream spot to live, and neither is it very pleasant to kiss dry, crackling lips.


A true Follower's life should be ample with Joy, green from the Holy Spirit who's called the water to every part of the soul. It should be full of trees of life, and of all the fruits of the spirit.
YES, there WILL be weeds and prickle bushes and trees that don't bear fruit or even bear BAD fruit at times, but God works those OUT of our lives! He really, really does; if we let Him weed them.

When we allow God to be everything to us, all of a sudden we don't need to force ourselves to be witnesses. we ARE a walking, showing, talking witness! Notice how I said showing? It'll be SO EVIDENT that Jesus is you're center beCAUSE you're so full of Him that you're messy - you spill Him EVERYWHERE! When you walk, you leave Jesus-Love tracks. When you hug someone, you get Jesus all over them. Where you walk, you've taken back Holy ground!
The fruits of the spirit will be good and guess what? People will eat from them around you. You'll IMPACT them. You'll be planting seeds just because you can't help it, and esPECIALLY if people can't help but eat of the fruits!



Dormant Christianity? It stops here.

It stops with me. I'll either be hot or I'll be cold, but you can count me out if I'm going to be like puke in God's mouth.

I challenge the Church to do the same.


Are you in? Or are you out?


Simple as that, O 90%. Simple as that.