Lovers of Light

 Dear Readers,

I'm still working on my next post... but today I had a thought that really needs to be spoken and an encouragement that needs to be offered.

Just because I struggle with lust doesn't and will not stop my love and fight for purity.

Just because you struggle with sin - doesn't change your qualifications to love something that is good.

In fact it MORE than qualifies you to fight, because you know what it looks like to be in a dark room.


Lovers of light, I challenge you here: your greatest struggles and your deepest wounds are your greatest ministries.  The more you love the light, the more you fight for it, the more the enemy will fight back.  If you're struggling or being slammed with temptation more than usual, you my friend are getting deeper into Kingdom stuff and hell has been set loose on you.  No matter how many times you fall, keep getting back up and running into the presence and holiness of God.  His grace is sufficient in your mess.

That's my encouragement for you today.
I love you all in the love of our Lord,

Sarah



Ps: if you're looking for more encouragement, try this blog's post :)
http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/words-of-encouragement-30-short-uplifting-quotes/

First Kisses, Honor and God's Love

 "Love one another with brotherly affection; Outdo one another in showing honor." - Romans 12:10

Sitting back in a corner of my local Starbucks, I reflect on all the things that are delightful to me despite the chaos precariously whirling my little world upside down.
I'm sure you can relate.  For a moment I block out the hefty issues in front of me and choose to lean into the simplicity of ... the weather. No joke. 
I welcome thoughts of my favorite season gently riding in on the heels of late-summer's flat air thick with car-fumes, last minute barbecues and the frenzied preparations for the next school year. The coolness, the crispness, the pumpkins, the spices...the smell of bonfire smoke in my hair.
 I welcome those thoughts because it reminds me that the world doesn't revolve around me.  In fact - life goes on, and that is why I am where I am in this season - because its time to grow.

Before I go on, I want to share a story.

 Its not a very nice one and it most certainly doesn't make me look good.  But here it goes.

Hope and Burial

Dear Readers,

I came across a small entry that I wrote in my journal which makes me smile every time I read it and I'd like to share it with all of you. :)

"I feel like my hope rises for a dream just to be dropped into a grave."

 I wrote this last April and it made my heart smile. I wish I could hug myself a year ago. My heart smiles because my thought's response to this was, "oh the beauty of a seed's burial."
Every thing must die in order for there to be a miracle of divine intervention.
 I'm beginning to understand that now.

I like revisiting good thoughts. Be blessed!

Love, Sarah

Christ in Me, My Truest Hope.

Its hard to believe that 2011 has come and gone.  When I think of the month "January" I'm still thinking, "Oh, that was just a few weeks....... ..... ago.... wait......"

What a long - fruitful year with Jesus.  I'm so SO  glad I'm not the same person I was this time last year.  Actually, thinking about this time last year, I smile.  Everything has a time and a season.  I don't regret where I was then... but I wouldn't change to ever go back to  being  that person again either.  I've grown too much to try to squeeze myself into the confinements of who I was then, now.

A lot is on my mind for this year.

Maybe I should make those things into lessons-I've-learned bullet points.

• Relationships - with anyone - almost never turn out the way you expect them to.
• People are never what you assume - one way or the other.
• You can't be everyone's dream girl or dream guy.  Either you are, just as you are, or... you're simply not.
• You can't be everyone's favorite person either.  ... Nope.
• Crying has its advantages.
• The disadvantages of crying are far... far outweighed by the advantages. ... so...
• ...Its necessary - ESSENTIAL even, to have a good cry every so often.
• Its good to have good friends at times where you need a good cry.
• Actually, its good to just have good friends.
• .... Best friends change.  Both in seasons of your life... and also individually speaking.
• Best friends don't work the way they did when you were a kid... you need multiple friends for multiple purposes - all equally as important.
• People cannot fill your needs ... especially only one person.
• We're not entitled to friends or spouses.  Those are gifts from God.  The Lord gives, does NOT give and He takes away.
• The good thing is, God loves to give good gifts to His children, especially when they ask Him.
• Sometimes, its best just to keep things between you and God.
• Including your feelings, opinions and words.
• You can never go wrong when you praise the Lord with song.
• Mornings are such a lovely time to have set aside for the Lord.
• Sunrises and Sunsets start off the day and end the day each proclaiming the beauty of the Glory of God.  ... How many days do we miss it and forget to join in with all creation to exalt Him?
• Giving thanks is essential to the Christian life.  Its a health issue if its not apart of the daily stuff.
• God is so good. And deserving.  And worthy.  And Holy.  And Lovely.
• God isn't too concerned with what you can DO for Him.
• Delight in the Lord.
• Be prepared to wait.
• Do NOT speculate.  Its not good for the heart.
• It may be better not to share your dreams with people.  ... unless they ask.
• People actually don't care as much as you think they do.
• People care more than you think they do.
• People don't know it, but they WANT to care more.
• Good friends DO care, even when it hurts to.
• God cares... very, very much.
• Going to the House of Prayer on Tuesdays have been a blessing to me.
• Africa is next year!!!

So... I'm going to stop there because from there on, my thoughts pertained to food.  Haha.

I guess the reason why its so hard to believe that a year has passed is because its been a blur, really.  Most of my time this year has been spent in a season of summer in my soul, and winter in my life.
Winter in so dying to things of the flesh, understanding where my sin patterns and areas of weakness are and have to accept and admit that I am really incapable of fixing it all on my own.
In a sentence?  "I can do NO thing good apart from God."
Its been a hell of a ride.  And by that I mean, "Welcome to a tour of your terrible, yucky, stinking heart.  Enjoy the ride!"

But I chose to go this route.  I asked God for it on purpose because I'm tired of who I've been.

"Who I am hates who I've been, who I am hates who I've been."

Its been awful... and yet absolutely lovely.  I've never known so much grace or tender mercy from the Lord.  I really don't think I knew what grace or mercy really meant until this year, and I'm so glad to say I've only just begun.

God has so blessed me by His gentle care towards my heart and I'm eternally grateful.  Here's a few things that I believe have been accomplished or at least have begun to be, in my life.

1. I no longer have a clue what God is going to do in me or with me - at all.
2. God is the essential.  All other vision either bows to this or is fading away.
3. I'm prepared to wait.  I am being prepared to wait for a long haul.
4. God - is the desire of my heart.  None of the other things matter unless He's involved.
5. I am no longer speculating.  ... About anything.
6. I'm not afraid to die anymore.
7. I'm not afraid to be tortured anymore either.
8. In fact.... There's a crazy joy at the idea of these things if it means I don't renounce my Jesus.
9. Nothing can shake me from the conviction of Christ in me.  Nothing.  Not any more.
10. I'm starting to stop second-guessing myself.
11. I don't take crap from people anymore, and I won't bow out when I need to stand up.

These are all actually HUGE accomplishments for me, seriously.  I'm not afraid to say them to the public either because I believe someone has to be real enough to be honest about the hard things in life.

God has really been opening my eyes to a lot of things - and what I mean by that is - actually, everything.  When I lay down my bias, God gives me His heart.  Its a pretty amazing exchange, really.

So for this upcoming year, I'm feeling like I'm phasing into a new season of winter and summer.

This past year, though it be winter in my life, summer was in my heart and the Lord gave me rest and peace and love.
But I believe winter has begun in my heart now... killing and keeping dead everything I've held close until now.  Its not about me anymore ... not  at all.  My life isn't about me.  Winter is barren ... and so shall it be in my heart full of dreams and things.  But I truly believe that the winter in my heart will drive me outside of myself - into the promise land of Jesus.  Its time to explore the heart of God, leave everything else I've loved behind, and begin again.  I actually have no clue what will happen to my heart this next year, but I know that God has been so faithful and good through all the generations.

Coldplay sings, " don't wanna see another generation drop, I'd rather be a comma than a full stop."

Maybe I've been a comma these past 12 months or so.  But I choose to be fully alive this next year - whether good or bad, I don't care.   I just know this next season has nothing to do with ... me.  hah.  Do I really get to call it my life, either?  I have no life apart from God.  Only death.  Yet, crazily enough, death is an everyday occurence when we choose to live in God.

Well...
I'd say this was a rant ... but I feel like thats not honoring the process God has created for me to follow in so choosing to write things out for others to see. 
So I will merely say that I feel my line of thought is done for now.

Happy new year, friends and family of mine - may the Lord remind you through out 2012 that advent is still the season.
Let us then pray, "Maranatha!" Come Lord, quickly! And prepare our hearts."  Amen.

Sporatic Randomness

Here's a few thoughts that have spiratically happened in my brain in the last few months.

The song "Promises" by Desperation Band
"All Your promises won't let go of me."

Allure me
bring me to Your wilderness
speak tenderly
God my heart is such a mess.
-a tuesday night set

Nothing can I do
of my accord - I choose
to gaze into the Truth
-Haiku -8.22.11


The beginning of knowledge is the fear of the Lord
and I'll look like a fool if that means Your strength will be made
great in me.


Take me to where You are
don't leave me where I am
draw me to Your heart
into perfect communion.  - another tuesday set


Gazing
His eyes are
 like flames of fire
Just one glance
you say that you are ravished
-last nights set

Wholly Uncreated One
You're so much bigger than
My imagination
So much vaster than
My finite mind can comprehend
- last night

A list of who God is according to Psalm 7

vs 6-God can be angry
vs 8-He judges the peoples
(David asks God to judged him... gutsy move)
vs 9-He establishes the righteous
vs 9-He tests the hearts and minds
vs 9-He is righteous
vs 10-Our shield is in Him
vs 10-He saves the upright in heart
vs 11-God is a righteous Judge
vs 11-God feels indignant every day
vs 12-13-If a man does not repent God will whet His sword and ready His bow, preparing His deadly weapons
vs 17-Thanks is due to His righteousness
vs 17-He is the MOST High.

VERY interesting stuff!

A Thought Munching my Brain

You know what really bothers me?  When people draw massive conclusions about key Christian principles such as giftings of the Spirit - off of a few select scriptures instead of taking everything into context.  Its unbelievable to me.  Some things just aren't looked into, good enough and it bothers me how ignorant we can ALL be at times.  My own ignorance in the past and even now makes my heart wince and my spirit ache for truth.    I don't care if I went to seminary for 20 years - if I'm not LOOKING for the REAL truth which will edify the body of Christ, and if I'm  not searching God's heart out in His word,  I will not and CAN NOT  give a living message.  Instead I will teach a legalizing doctrine that lacks in understanding and binds people instead of freeing them.
Hm.

Maybe seminary would ruin me.  I may not have hours of Bible classes down, but I want the truth - even if it offends my mind.  And that's a price I'm willing to pay, if it will edify the Body, glorify my Jesus and punch Truth into the things I preach.

done.  I'm off.

I'm So Bored With Little Gods... 2 thoughts

When we tap our foot and our fingers and watch our clock while we wait on God... And when we subconsciously say and think towards Him, "whats taking so long? I don't have time for this! JUST TELL ME what I need to know and SHOW ME, NOW!" - and when we give up in impatience and think, "I guess I'm just going through a dry season...." - what if its then, that it becomes apparent we've set 'our' time as god over the Father who is neither bound by our man-made measures, nor must make a defense for His own perfect timing. How arrogant we are! How foolish, I am. I am at least a breath and at best a delusion! GRASS. That is what I am. BUT the Word of the Lord stands forever. The Word became flesh and is Truth to all who hear. He who has an ear, let him hear! [Psalm 62] & [Isaiah 40:3-8]

-----------------------------------------------

God INVENTED time.  His timing is perfect.  And yet I am measuring out my time with Him - counting the minutes - counting the cost.  What if time measured, was completely removed and thus, could not be considered currency to be spent, sacrificed or counted?
What if all we HAD in life was time - and we never knew how much we had banked and only God worried about our portions; and when 'time' finally ran out, THAT is we became free to never worry about rationing out this precious entity again? 
What if our 'time spent' before the Lord was the only  place where cost never mattered?
Five minutes - five years.  Same difference in the Kingdom.  The point IS - you forget there even IS time.
And we live in the future, and we live in the past - ALL measured by time past, and time future in relation to time NOW.
One of the devil's greatest deceptions: that the time allotted to us is first OURS - and second, that the "could'ves", "would'ves" and "should'ves" coupled with the "what-if's" of the future, can be somehow recaptured or precaptured in the "Now".  In vain we believe this, and in that vanity, if we don't allow our paradigm to be completely changed by God, we will waste our lives.  We doom ourselves to never capture the divine moment of the "Now" of the Lord, where He is.  "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10) - This phrase becomes then, the very cry and the very profound reaching of a God who knows the frailty of man.  We really are just dust. (Psalm 103:14)

To know this, I am thus responsible to change.  I MUST be changed forever.  God is NOW.  So am I.  When we say we will be ruined in the glory of God and that we will waste our time to search Him out - truthfully, it is to offend the world's definitions and even our flesh's self-professed rights.  God's time is so different than ours, anyway.   I'm not sure I can really allow myself to wish I were doing anything else than what God has commissioned me to do right NOW, ever again. 

Man - I'm being completely ruined in this thought.  - in this new thing God has revealed in my heart.
Such a heart of man.
Mercy, Mercy, Mercy.
He raised His scepter of mercy and did not bestow on me the wrath that I deserve, and THEN - He clothed me in grace - favoring me and blessing me in all I put my hands to do to bring Him glory.
I need think for a while again.

Until I come up for air,
Sarah Faith

My Thoughts on "the One" Theory.

I'm not going to lie, this whole conversation really made me think about what I really believed and God took the opportunity to correct my heart a little.

I've always believed that God has that "One special person" for everyone.
Sept... not everyone CARES to have a "One special someone" out there so much as just whomever they choose would  BE that person.

I mean, I absolutely DO!  Its been on my heart for a decade now to pray for my future husband - that one special person who's just going to get me and know me and understand me.

But God gave me a reality check - just because I've done that, doesn't mean everyone ELSE has.
AND?  Its okay.


God kinda gave me a picture - not a completely accurate one, but a picture none the less of the way this might work.

Esther.  The story about a courageous woman who somehow was chosen above hundreds of other beautiful women to be queen.

Here's the pitch:  hundreds of girls go through a YEAR of beautification and then get to choose what they're going to wear and what they're going to bring with them for their "one night with the king."
AWESOME!  Right?

Esther says to the guy in charge, "I don't want to choose.   You know the king better.  YOU give me what you think is best."


I'm not saying I'm Esther.

What I'm saying is - not everyone thinks to ask God for the best in their love life AND - not everyone is supposed to.

But Esther asked for the best.  And she got it.

Its okay if a small handful of people choose to ask God what HE thinks is best.  It may be that their's is a story that will impact hundreds of people like Esther's.

Will MY story impact hundreds of people?  You know?  If it brings people to a fuller knowledge of Christ, then YES,  I WANT it to.  But if it just impacts the people I directly communicate with on a day to day basis, then thats okay too.  The idea is to inspire others to seek out God's best for them.  It may not be in finding a mate, but it COULD mean that they need to ask God for the best in the job realm or in the career path, or in the financial arena, etc.

So do I believe in "The One" Theory?  Yes.  Do I believe its for everyone?  No.

Do I care if my future husband believes that he can just pick anyone and thats good enough for him?

...um.... yes.

I don't want to be a number.

"Oops, this girl didn't work so lets try this one.  OH!  NOT that one, never mind.  maybe this one...." until he comes around to little 'ol Sarah who finally  says yes to him.

I'm sorry but thats not okay with me.  I'd like to think that AT LEAST if the guy I'm supposed to marry isn't thinking about his future wife and praying for her, that he'd be too worried about what God's doing in his life to play the dating game without true intentions of finding the person who could match him in his walk with the Lord.

Those are my own feelings about it, honestly.  I'm not saying its completely right, but if I was trying to please everyone with my opinions, I would've stopped writing in this blog a long time ago.
:)

Those are my thoughts.

-Sarah

Oh Lovely Spring

On my way home from work this morning at a bright and early 7:30, I found myself driving into the early morning sun.
Still chilly enough to see my breath, there's just something about a spring morning and watching the sun rise.

I drive by nearly 20 ponds before I actually pull into my driveway and what I encountered on my way was nothing less than spectacular!

Cold sunbeams shooting through the budding trees, glowing frost coating overgrown, green grass, and a draping mist hovering in mid air over every pond I passed made my drive back like I had entered into a dewy silhouette of a dream.

Spring is not my favorite time of the year, but God is challenging me to take a look again, and allow each season to be my favorite season as they come.  I have a hard time with this, as this idea parallels the spiritual seasons of my life.
I like my FAVORITE seasons, and THATS IT.  But in this new idea, my heart is awakening as though I had been asleep, and I'm beginning to recognize the beauty of the now.

I feel like the season I'm in is the rainy part of spring.  It just keeps raining and raining and raining.  And just like Cleveland, right when you think the sun is going to STAY out, it rains again.  And I always think , "we should know this by now... its still spring, its still going to keep raining.  Its useless hoping for anything other than what this season brings."
Coincidentally, that is the response of my own heart towards the place that I'm in right now.
But this morning God showed me something new.
Rain gives birth to life.
The beauty of Spring is that after the rain comes, a miraculous thing happens - what was still and dormant has suddenly blossomed into vibrant life.
The romance and the mystery that the sun illuminated in my tiny corner of the world this morning spoke volumes to my heart today as the Sonshine in my own life begins to reveal what, (in His time) overnight, would create a lovely view for everyone else to see as He warms up the places that must be frozen for a time.

What a truly blissful thought.  :)

- Sarah

Big Heart, Little Dreamer

"Me dreaming big right now is like a childs cardboard book hoping to be an epic novel one day. It could happen, right?"




I honestly feel the way Pooh looks like he's feeling in the sketch - unsure... but still willing to move forward since thats the only thing left to do.


I know this may sound ridiculous, but I feel boring.  And I may not actually BE boring so much as I find my life is boring.  I'm almost afraid to say that because it sounds like I'm not seeking God enough and thats my problem... but its not!  I'm walking with God and I'm reading my Bible every day... but I can't dream big at ALL.  I KNOW I'm meant for something big, and its an exciting feeling, but at this moment, I don't see anything fantastic about my life right now. 


 It LOOKS like I have no life.  (Because I really don't, truthfully.) 


 It SEEMS that nothing big is actually going to happen to me (but things aren't always as they seem, usually. Who KNOWS what God is doing in all of this.)


 And it FEELS like I'm not going ANYwhere (yet a month ago if you had told me that in a months time I wouldn't be with my boyfriend, I would cut my hair 6 1/2 inches shorter, I would put in my two weeks notice at FirstMerit and that I'd be working at a dentist office wearing scrubs and working with mentally handicapped people on the side AND that I'd lead worship for the first time for my church on a Sunday morning, I would have guffawed in your face.)


I sound absolutely absurd right now.  Who am I kidding?  My life is insane and it just took a drastic turn.  Yet my problem is - I'm very discontent with myself.
I don't see any big dreams in my heart.  In fact, I'm concerned because I don't even seem to be able to conjure up any big dreams at ALL.
Whats with me?
And my question for God at this point is, "What do you want from me?"
I'm faithful, I'm trying desperately to live righteously before Him.  I'm doing all I can do to pull myself together.  I'm reading my Bible every day, I'm talking to Him in my car.  Yet I'm unsatisfied.  


I think God just wants ME.
I've been busying myself with doing all thats required of me, but He doesn't require the "doing", He requests the "BEing".  


So here I am.


Finger to my chin, head cocked slightly, staring in the direction that I inevitably must go. 


"Think, think, think, think.  Oooh bother."


Its just where I am right now.

An Undefeated Heart

It has definitely been a while since I have expressed my thoughts in this little blog. I'm so glad I have it for the very reason that I may be able to when I am ready. It has been quite the journey so far, this summer, as the Lord is bringing me nearer to His heart.


I know I struggle with holding myself to a standard of perfection, and NO ONE is more disappointed in myself then me when I don't meet it.

Somewhere along the way I started to believe that whenever something bad happened to me, it HAD to have been my fault somehow. I did something. It was a glitch somewhere that I didn't catch. So, I mull over everything I could have done better or differently until I find a fault. I then tweak it and believe that NEXT time, (because of my "fixing the problem") I shouldn't have anymore issues.

But c'mon. I'm human. I mess things up. I don't usually factor that in to my flawed mindset, however, and the vicious cycle continues.

This season has been a time of breaking the cycle.

He Makes All Things New

Hm.



2010.


it feels weird to write that, hehe.




God.... has absolutely blown me away this past year.

The year of 2009.


And - I have great expectation that He's not through with me yet.

In a nutshell, I will try to compose my rendition of what I have learned in 2009:


1. Redemption - takes every picture of my life where I feel condemned or ashamed - He reaches down with His mighty hand, touches the "me" I see and changes me into the person He sees from beginning to end - and makes me radiant in His purity and righteousness.

2. Vision - God has given me vision for what my life is supposed to look like! I don't have to answer with, "well, I know I'm called to full time ministry but I don't know how its going to look," anymore when people ask. I can respond with, "I'm a prayer missionary. I minister first to the Lord, and then to His people."
And it can look like so many different things... but I think thats where the adventure comes in.

3. Garden - my heart. Not a little country garden gated in by a lil picket fence on the side of a dirt road with a bunch of other gardens waiting to be explored, with much more beauty and exotic flowers to allure - no. I am a locked garden - surrounded by massive iron gates, with a Man that jealously guards my heart and my mind with His peace.

4. Treasure - whoa. I'm still wrapping my mind around this one. I'm thinking II Corinthians 4, and Matthew 13 and Proverbs 31. Treasure in jars of clay, treasure hidden in a field, pearl of great price, and an excellent wife who's worth is far above rubies or jewels.

5. Love - without expectation. Without expectation of reciprocation AND ... HERES the recent kicker: without expectation of NO reciprocation. THIS idea has been growing me up quite a bit, in my walk with the Lord.


ps: number 5? Super risky. Big big big big trust thing with the Lord.


6. Stirring - up old dreams, old desires, new dreams, new desires and.... having to come to a place of acknowledging them and being honest with the fact that they ARE in fact - MY dreams and desires. Not sure what God has in store for this developing thing, but I'm thinking He will be faithful and continue His good work on through this next year. :) I'll let you know how it works out.

7. Songs - Love Songs, New Songs, Old Songs, Hymns and Spiritual Songs.
"I save my sweetest love songs for Jesus."
Its just... true. Singing songs that have never left my lips until the moment they do, singing old songs that touch my heart in a way I can't explain - they were sung to me as lullabies. Singing hymns that are written in such a way and sung with such conviction that my heart nearly explodes with appreciation for the legacy I get to embrace and run with the baton for my part of the race. And - Songs that sound like angels.



I guess an overall word? Restoration.


I don't know. But I'm glad I don't. Its time to see whats next with the Lord. He always keeps me on my toes.

I like that.




:)


Did I mention?





I'm in love.

Note to self... and anyone else.

If God calls you a locked garden, and when you find yourself upset because no one seems to have tried to come in - then isn't it God, you have a problem with, not man?

hm.

And it doesn't mean no one's tried, but rather, that the Owner has said no?


huh.


I know I should feel pretty offended.

but I think I'm past that.


I can only smile.

Stirring, Stirring... You See Bones?

I see an Army.





So I spent a little time at the House of Prayer tonight and God just began stirring in me something I don't quite understand and yet absolutely understand.

First thing is - The mountain of God.

I'm not sure all that it will entail, but I want to know all about this mountain that the Lord wants His people to dwell on.

I'm excited because God is opening something up to me and I don't know what it is, but it all started with a phrase, and then a poem.

And, come to think of it, the phrase was birthed on a hillside.

I know there's significance.

Just gotta find out all that there is.


BUT! Tonight! Tonight I began to read the first part of Ezekiel 37, which caught my attention and the Lord began to show me things that I believe have much - MUCH! to do with Cleveland.

The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"
I said, "O Sovereign LORD, you alone know."
Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.' "

So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.' " So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

Then he said to me: "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.' Therefore prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.' "

And as we prayed for the leaders and pastors of Cleveland, The Lord had already put on my heart the need to pray for the future leaders and pastors of Cleveland. And He led me to this scripture.

And as I read it through, the Lord began to speak to me exactly as He had spoken to Ezekiel, and I began to realize that, indeed, He was making a point in His very speaking to me: WE are the future leaders and pastors of Cleveland. WE are called. WE need to step up. WE need to prophecy to the dry bones and the helplessness of the valley by the water. HERE. In Cleveland, we are called to have the faith of Ezekiel, the Spirit of Elijah and the very breathe and anointed of the Spirit of the Lord within us.

I believe that Cleveland is an army waiting to happen.
I believe that Ezekiel was pretty average.
I believe that Jesus changes everything.

And, I believe that because of these 3 things, and because of who I am - who WE are in the Lord, that it qualifies us to speak and prophecy to the dryness of the Cleveland Church at large, the hopelessness of the lost at large and to be the very example of the goodness of a loving God to a dying culture.

Hah.

I don't even know what else to say right now.

Oh! Except I'll bring in the part about the mountains again:
The mountain of the Lord is the place that He has for His people - a "resting" place.
But there is one verse that I cannot help but be drawn to.

How beautiful on the mountains
are the feet of those who bring good news,
who proclaim peace,
who bring good tidings,
who proclaim salvation,
who say to Zion,
"Your God reigns!" -Isaiah 52:7


Ha! And in Isaiah 40, after calling out how all flesh is grass and how the Word of the Lord endures forever, The verse after says,
You who bring good tidings to Zion,
go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem, [c]
lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
say to the towns of Judah,
"Here is your God!"

I think there's a running theme here of the beauty of being on a mountain, proclaiming His wonders to the world.
Not sure what it means, but I'm going to be searching it out.

:)

I was too blown away by some of this stuff NOT to write, but I'm pretty sure this is by far, the most jumbled blog I've written in a while.

Enjoy!

♥

Distractions, distractions.

hm.. things I guess have been building up and I've been contemplative.
I know I'm extroverted, but I also know I take things in and mill them over alot. At SOME point, however, it comes right back out and I have to be the voice of my thoughts.

I'm just going to be really honest and say I've been struggling with distractions lately.

Now, here my heart out: I DO NOT WANT to be distracted. But I think that's the point, duh.
I'm distracted by new and different things. I'm the kind of person who loves a challenge, and I'll go right at it even if I know I very well might lose. Maybe its the chase?

No. I'm not a guy in a girls body, you've been watching too many movies.

I'm interested that I like the chase, and I wonder why I'm made that way and I was wonder THEN if I'm... I don't know, really messed up or something. And then I thought about it some more and realized that I'm only interested for so long, you know? If after a while, I don't begin to get some where, I'm going either all or nothing. So results? After an amount of time if there aren't any, I give up. If after a while I see a blossom of SOMETHING, you've got my attention entirely, even if I don't show it.

But so, this plays a part in distractions, I promise. My distractions have to do partially with the challenge. The chase. I want to know someone or something and if I don't begin to see results in a time I feel something should begin to show, my interest fades rapidly.

And then that thought leads to the thankfulness I have that God doesn't have such a short attention span as me! HAH!


I think my problem with distractions is thoroughly that it clouds my mind with all sorts of swirling thoughts that, to be honest, amount to absolutely nothing.

And, that's the point.

And I'm tired of it.

And I think part of my frustration is that, its a consistent thing where if I don't guard my mind, I'm BOUND to get distracted and lose focus on the important things that remind me of who I am, why I am and what I'm meant to do.

Can I just vent my frustration right now and say
ITS SO FREAKING ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!

Sigh.


See, and I know the answer to my very frustration. I guess I just forget and that is was gets me - I don't want to forget.

"Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You." --Psalm 119:11

NASB says "treasured". I guess that helps me a little better. (Can you tell I look these verses up on Bible gateway?) I love the NASB. I decided to look this verse up in that version and instead of "hidden" it said treasured.

And God even spoke to my heart through that in that - I need to treasure Him and HIS WORD.

I DO! So... hah. God's whole point is that I need to stop worrying about how I fall so short of His perfection. I know I'm human but I think I forget that I'm supposed to actually BE HUMAN.
I'm so glad God understands and has such patience for me. I'm so difficult sometimes!

But the whole thing about guarding one's mind - I have a Word for that - and its the perfect word I'm in love with this because its alive.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!
Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. Philip. 4:4-8

There's so much in this verse but... God has a lesson for me in all of it:

1. Rejoice in the Lord - You know what? My attitude sucks when I'm not reminding myself of who Jesus is and when I do THAT, I remember His faithfulness and when I do THAT - I'm filled with Joy. And guess what, folks? The Joy of the Lord is my strength and it gets me through every single day.

2. Heh, the idea of a "gentle spirit" is so close to me, as, even though I'm an outgoing loud sort of person, I'm ... not really like that before the Lord at all. I am me. Remove my personality, remove my responses and reactions to being around people - my spirit is responding souly to the Lord on the bases of intimacy before Him. So this part just makes me smile. Its a "reminder" verse of who I am.



so so far, 1. remember the Lord and who He is. 2. Remember who I am to Him.


continue?

3. Be anxious in nothing.

that's it.

Don't freaking worry all the stinken time, SARAH. Remember I'm NOT BOUND to sin! I'm NOT. God is in control. He is watching over me. For crying out loud if I made my bed in the pits of Hell, He is there. Whom shall I fear? WHAT shall I fear?

Worry is fear.

Fear is the opposite of freedom.

The end.

Don't worry.


4. But since God knows we need to release it somewhere, He tells us to bring it to Him. And this is SO good because to be honest, I bring Him just about everything that I'm thinking about and I'm glad He can handle it since I sometimes just can't.

Release it.


Okay.. so 1. Remember who God is. benefit: Joy. 2. Remember who I am in God. Benefit: reality check, haha. its good. 3. Because of 1 and 2, the things that are too great to bear are actually fading in the light of His Glory. So no need to worry. Benefit: a load of responsibility off your chest! 4. Release it to Jesus (cast your cares, your burdens upon Him, for He cares for You) Benefit: endless.


5. This allows for the peace of God to guard my heart AND my mind in Christ Jesus, making way for me to think about everything I DO want to think about that IS important!




This is so what I need to remember at work because its like I go into a totally different mode for work. I get focused but then in my focus on work, I lose focus on where my heart is before the Lord and it kind of gets lax. And that's when I become distracted when I have a few moments to think.

Hm.

I need to just treasure His Word in my heart, like David says.

This is definitely a pearl in and of itself though, I need to hold on to what I just wrote out here.


:)


Till next time...

Absence of Words... a glorious.... most torturous resort.

So there are both funny things and serious things going on in my mind right now. I guess I'll start with funny cause I want time to write about the stuff that is more thoughtful.


First!!! THIS is funny:

1. "I'm your biggest fann!!!!!!!1!1!1!!1111!!!!!ONE!!!11!!!!11!!!!one!!!!"

2. "OF COURSE I know enough about Hawaii to be a tour guide! “This is a beach. Flirt on it. This is the ocean. Flirt in it. Here are some palm trees. Flirt under them. This is your snazzy hotel room….I’ll let you two figure it out from here…That’ll be $10,000 plus a handsome tip.” And the rest I would just google a minute or two before the tour…" -MW

3. Its the Beaver's life for me... I just got damned things going on everywhere!
--my best friends grandma

4.Sharin: YOU are full of bologna, Sarah.
Sarah:....... no, *pause*...I'm full of guts!


5."Steak makes everything better. After all, if we're eating animals, then we're not eating people. And if we're not eating people... thats a good thing!" - Me (yes, I occasionally find myself funny)


6.I saw a man pursuing the horizon;
Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this;
I accosted the man.
"It is futile," I said,
"You can never -"
"You lie," he cried,
And ran on.
- Stephen Crane



7."...you may find me fat, but you will find me, very easily, you will find me." -- part of a poem out a cute "101 poems to get you through the day" sort of book I looked at in Barnes and Nobles

8.Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. - Miss Piggy



9. When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap. - Cynthia Heimel (not entirely what I would call funny, but since this seems to be the the theory of my life, I thought it fit well.)

10. I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Theresa (oh, to relate to the complaints in many of us. hehe. I chuckled at this one.)



And just so you know, many were copied and pasted. I wouldn't go through the trouble of writing these out here as my little coffee shop hang out will be closing soon. Some of these sayings seem to sum up my life and its pretty funny. What else can you do? Nothing. I'm probably one of the most awkward people I'll ever know. The grand part of all of this? Here's seriously the secret: I pretend like I MEAN to be awkward all the time so that it doesn't make any difference when I really DO feel absolutely awkward.


Misfit.

I've been thinking alot about this word lately.

I really am one, aren't I?
I mean, I've known this for quite a while. But I guess you get reminded when you're submitted into a new clan of people.

So I was talking to some girls about some of what I believe. I don't know, its great to hang out but you don't really know them until you get to.. well... know them.

I'm a misfit.

Hah, I was talking about how I think I may scare some guys in small group and I don't know but something was said that made me think a little.

Maybe I'm a "little too much for guys but you know, in a good way."

AHha. The age old phrase in my head. No one's ever actually said that to me, before now. Well, in no particular terms, I've been sort of told that all my life. I'm too much to handle (hello, and who gave anyone permission to handle me?) I've got too big of a personality, too big of a laugh. Too intense. Too bold. Too upfront. I give too much away of who I am.
I'm too deep sometimes. Too much. OR or, here's the other one, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough, not pretty enough not smart enough not womanly enough not girly enough not tomboyish enough just... not enough.
But mostly its that I'm too much.

Now I understand that God is just totally moving me around for which I am quite grateful! To not initiate everything all the time, including pursuing the desires I have for full time ministry.

I need to let God do it all in His time and I need to do what He has me to do NOW, and He'll bring the opportunity as it comes, but I'm not to MAKE it happen.

Too much though...

I know it wasn't meant to hurt me, but I guess it just hit me in a really deep place some where that goes back to the time where I was about 8... "Sarah, you laugh too much. AND really loud. Its just too much." hah, I remember that first "too much" very very well. I was 8 or 9. I'm nearly 20 and I still check myself to make sure I'm not laughing too much or too loud.

I KNOW that's not how God sees it, I really do! But this is just a different sort of thing. Its a place where, along with my difficult acceptance of being a misfit, has been something I've faced all my life.

Too much.



But then I'm filled with peace.


Right here, is where Jesus meets me.

He knew so much. He saw so much. He WAS too much for everyone to handle.
Who can handle God? No man.

He never fit in, in fact, He brought other misfits to fit in with Him.
Do you know - this is a hard concept for a child to get their head around. I was no exception. How do you tell your kid who can't make friends ANYwhere that God has called them to stick out? I'm not sure you can. My mom used to tell me all the time that I shouldn't try to fit in, but she didn't understand either when I cried and cried in her arms when I came home from an event.

I wonder if Jesus felt that way as a child. I wonder if He wondered if there was something wrong with Him? My childhood is a memory. I remember being brilliantly creative. I have since then become much more dull. But oh, I was a cool kid. I just wish I could have been able to come along myself really, the things I could tell myself! The hugs I would give... I would cry great tears as I held this child.

I wonder if thats why Jesus came. So that He could reach the misfits. I think thats it. I think I just hit it on the head. He became a man because He wanted to show us that - oh, the hugs He would give. Oh the great tears He cries as He holds each child. And then I wonder, even then did He hold me? Do His tears change for my age? I hope not. I think He knew who I'd become. And I think that's why He can love us no more then He already does - because He KNOWS us. When He knew me at 3, saying yes to Jesus in my baby voice, He knew the same me at 18, saying yes to Him again. When He knew my wholly romantic heart at 15, He knew me when I will be 56, fully enthralled, hopefully, in the Love of God.

The misfit, through and through.

I went to Ihop Cleveland last Saturday and 2 young women approached me and asked me if they could pray for me.

Then they began to speak of me being called to be a voice in the wilderness, making ready the people of God.
SLAM. My heart broke. That's it. That's why I'm here. I'm SUPPOSED to be on the outside.

Something else, as well here - People will be drawn to the wilderness because of who I am - the "too much" that apparently I have is exactly the thing God wants to use to draw people unto Himself.

The grand thing of it all? These girls told me that I need to remember though, that I can't worry about moving the hearts of man. Another slam. I knew this was for me.

I just need to worry about moving the Heart of God - because that is my greatest glory - His Love for me. And He'll do everything else.

God, thats AMAZING. You know? He DESIRES all that is too much for man, because it wasn't MEANT for man. It was meant for God - and all of a sudden, my "too much" becomes exactly His portion from me. Its all that He desires. Its enough for God.


crap, guys!




We've been getting wrong for so long!!

He Paints One Stroke & the Sky Goes Crazy With Love...(A Stroke of Genius, Perhaps?)

So last night I had a lot to think about.

I think I was taking in a meshing of personalities and I was rather agitated that everyone was in my face. This of course is to be expected when your family is mine.

But this morning after the first few hours of becoming awake, things began to hit me and my heart became thankful.

First, just being able to watch people interact with each other. Have you ever noticed that some people can just pick up and become fast friends and the whole room becomes a bustle of jolly commotion as everyone picks around each others' personalities just to find to their delight, that they all enjoy each other and accept each other for their very crazy if not brazen self?

Once, while I was growing up, I was ashamed of how my family was. No one else's family was like mine - that was BAD cause everyone else acted like we were maniacs or something.

BUT - over the past 2 years, I've not only come to terms with how my family is, I rather feel sorry for people who can't handle so much craziness and love.

How do they enjoy their boring, routinely lives? One might argue if they're really living at all.

One thing I rather delight in is how one personality can pull another personality out of hiding.

Its one of the most beautiful things for someone to just accept that they are a certain way and that GOSH! ITS OKAY TO JUST BE YOU!!!!

I think my family is good at that. We most definitely have our problems, HA! Let me be a witness of that! BUT! We're always moving. We're always learning and changing. We have (for the most part) open hearts.

So this is what triggered a thought process of how God, in essence has surrounded himself with... Himself. He Himself is the ESSENCE OF beauty and so ergo, everything He does is beautiful.

I was driving home on 271 and what encountered me as I approached the top of a particular hill was something that took my breath away - a wild dash of orange, pink blue and purple with a swirl of yellow somehow blending in every little corner that was not covered.
The sun screamed orange.

The sky was marveling. It was almost as if every single moment was a span of universe happening and if you blinked you had missed some form of divinity. I swear the sky was glowing and in love.

Ha, and then He said ever so simply, "Its for You."

Of course without missing a single beat I replied, "Well, Yeah... and everyone else you made it for ... AND me... of course!" in between gasps of awe and reminding myself I should probably breath too.

But He plainly restated, "Its for You."

And that's when it hit me:

What did it matter if it could be for anyone else too? God is a sovereign God! Its all the more immaculate that He could have made it for me and ANYONE ELSE He wanted to love on in that little place in time where human met Jesus.

And thats where I was humbled. The live painting was for me. It was between Jesus and His bride. I'm not just single. I'm plural. Its for me just as much as it is for any other part of His Bride. It doesn't mean He would love me any less, He loves ME. He loves US. Of COURSE its for me!


He is awesome.

And, there, on Remsen Rd, I began to cry tears of thankfulness.

He Loves Us.


He really does!


And THIS BLOG is NOT to cancel out my last post!

In one hand the Lord invokes true Justice to all the nations AND to all the peoples.

But, in the OTHER hand, He offers mercy and this crazy grace that says if you repent and confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, He will NOT overlook that!

And for us, as a broken people to get ON OUR FACES before a holy God, is to give Him honor and to show Him real reverence, which, by the way guys, we have NO business losing since, last I checked we're all STILL dirty rotting sinners without Him.

Anyway,

I leave you with this:


Heh. :) He loves us if we are open to Him giving us His love.

Now... If we could get the hang of loving Him back.....

Feelings.... acknowledgements and such

mmm...


What an interesting blog this must be.

There's so much of me in here... why need I hide? I continue in my persuence to express myself more accurately.

A jumble of emotions right now... an intern friend who has now become a pastor just called me and we talked for a while. I forgot how much I enjoyed hearing him rant about things, hehe. Its nice to know he hasnt found someone quite yet to replace me. I think I miss arguing with him and I definitely miss his wife and girls. It made me feel loved, I really must say.


I don't think I've ever experienced this much hate in my life as I have in the last year and a half or so.

The things that get back to me about what people say come through the most unlikely people and there's always the question of, "How did YOU hear about THAT?!"

Its been several months now since my last night at my old church and even more time since my last day as an intern.

It blows me away that people are still talking bad about me and my family. Don't they have anything better to do with their lives?

They definitely can't take what animosity they have into the ministry. However, this is not what I must fix. God will work that out with them. My part is to forgive. I've never learned so much about forgiveness as I have this last year. I've never had to forgive so much in my LIFE! I don't think I truly understand why peter asked Jesus how many times we should forgive our neighbors and God said, "70 times 7, Peter." And through this passage Jesus whispers to me through His spirit as I question Him ,"How many times, Lord?"
"Seventy times 7, My Child. Keep on going..."

I've never cried so much in my entire life as I have in this last season of my life. And I continue to cry just as often.

There's so much healing that God is doing in me. There's so much confirmation.
There's so much....yuck in my own heart.
Without all the accountability at the church, I'm held accountable by God. Does anyone know how humbling that is? There's no PLACE for selfrighteousness! NoNE! I can't even say something even partially judging without thinking if I have a place to have that oppinion of any such thing.

And then there's the lack of friends.

Friends I lack.

or better yet, friends who have completely walked away.

And this of course leaves me to question other friendships I thought I had. And this leads to a lack of trust.

And then I think even though I know its not true, I've been replaced. I'm so replaceable.

God, it hurts so much.
Its so hard because some of these ppl know me so well that even after we are no longer friends, ALL I have to do is catch their eye across the room and I know what they're thinking and they know what I'm thinking and we'd share a private, intimate moment. I CANT do that. It wouldn't show my respect to them.
I respect their wishes, and to be honest, I respect my heart enough to know that the more I play the game of compromise, the more I hurt myself in the long run.

I played that game with my last boyfriend after I broke up with him. How silly I was to think I could balance what is already one-sided?

And then there are those who have left or are about to leave. I sometimes envy them. I wish I were going. I wish my future were so promising. I wish I could get away from the place where I know backwards and forwards but no longer belong. And so I wait. I wait and I love on people as I go... as much as I can.

But then there are those people that you love reguardless of how much into each others lives you are. There are those you so highly respect... and SO wish you could deserve some day. But you can't. And they are out of reach.
How do you love someone so dearly and deal with whether you'll ever talk to them again? How do you let them go? Gracefully.

I've learned that no one is ever yours. No matter how many promises you might have. No matter what you feel God has and no matter how long you think a friendship will last, God ways are never our ways. And we misconstrue what we think He is saying SO many times.

So I've learned to hear His voice NOT in the raging storm, not in the quaking earth and never in fire-come down emotional times. His voice is the voice of Truth and of reasonable undignification. It is never something to doubt because the way He speaks to our hearts can never be doubted. Its not even that "you just know". Its that He speaks in a way that no one else can. AND... He speaks right at the most mundane ordinary moments... right into my everyday conversations, adding His beautiful thoughts into my own and being able to repeat it for the first time out loud. And I know its Him. And He knows the way He speaks to me is perfect for me.


He knows.

He knows I'm lonely.


I wonder if I ask for miracles.... what would he do? I wonder if I ask for good, Godly friends, what he would say.


I should try, shouldn't I?

I wonder if a week can change my life...

Alive Festival - my first year.

What to think, what to say, what think some more...

It was awesome. There were so many things that went wrong the week before and it was so discouraging, but the truth is that God does what He wants, and that I really didn't have to worry about stuff if what He wants was going to happen anyway, as it so very often does (because He knows what'll happen, so it works into His amazing plan as it always does. Wasn't THAT enlightening?)

So I went to Alive Festival and slept on the hard, cold ground for 3 nights. It was one of those things where you feel like you just want to complain about it except that you ALSO know how good it is for you and how it was your choice to begin with, so you bear it all and somehow take joy in the whole situation... except for when you're tossing and turning all night long *wink*.


I have got to say: I LOVE working behind the scenes. I love working in front ON the scenes. I love just working for God. Honestly, as I worked the booths I worked, I knew that half the bands could've cared less because really, when its being taken care of, you don't have to worry about it. But that didn't matter. I worked knowing that whether those people knew it or not, I was blessing them with my time. I was blessing them with my love to their fans. I was blessing them before God. And it blessed ME to bless them.

Is that selfless? Not really. I totally understand that I got gratification out of it. Its not really why I did it though. Its just where I fit in: serving people when they'll never know I was.

GOD!

I LOVE doing that! I LOVE doing stuff that no one will ever know I did. Its weird to get gushing gratitude. I'm not even telling this to GET recognized either - its just such a JOY that its hard to hold it in!

Talking to the different people I did, God showed me some things.

First, God showed me that God loves these people. He loves every single one of them.

He loves the gorgeous little blond girl that waltzes on by, who looks like she's 24 when in all reality, she's only 14.

He loves the overweight lady with the cane who's having a hard time being on her feet all day.

He loves all the little 12 year old guys who cultivate their long-hair-over-the-eyes-and-think-hawk-nelson-is-a-sissy-band group and who jump off of the high-dives in the middle of the night to impress the girls.

He loves all the guys and girls who pack it all up, leaving their family and friends for weeks on end to tour the different festivals because they're in "the band".

He loves all the people in between.

He loves them all and He wants to love them through me.

He wants to love them through you.


This festival really hit the music in me. I forgot that I love music. I forgot that I love how it draws people - how it makes them forget themselves - how it makes them think of God and the bigger picture. I forgot that it makes my heart sing and my feet dance. I forgot that its the soundtrack to my life.
I forgot that it is worship if I chose it to be.

I think I forgot that its a ministry in itself.

And this is a totally Biblical idea, really. Music being a ministry. David would play his harp before the Lord in the fields. He'd play his harp before the king. No matter where he was, private or performance, he did it as worship unto the Lord, and he was a man after God's own heart.


So I sat back and watched.

Music as a ministry and music as an industry.

I notice that some have been lost in the industry.

I notice that some have been lost in the ministry.

But I must say: its the most lovely thing to find someone who isn't lost in either of those things but rather, that they are lost in Jesus.
Its such a struggle of pride no matter where anyone goes.
No matter what you're interested in or what you want to do with your life, there is a WHOLE SET of pride issues that you need to fight if you want to do it souly for the Lord.



Those are things to think about.

God's reeally been humbling me lately. Its kind of a mix of humiliation and just testing my faith some more. I don't usually like to give satan a lot of credit for whats going on because usually alot of it stems from my own sinful nature and the crap that God has been bringing up and out of me lately but... I've definitely felt like I'm hated by the enemy. I'm reading the Screwtape Letters for the first time, (and ha! it LOOKS like a fast read, but its really not, especially if God's reading it with you. Its a LOT to take in and think about.) and I'm just noticing all of the pitfalls I fall into on a REGULAR basis. Fantasizing being one of them. I'm prone to think about what COULD be when to be honest I'm spending THIS MOMENT living in a NOT guaranteed future. Its a dormant waste of life! Or how about distractions? I'm terribly distracted all the time. The only time I'm almost completely focused is when, well, I'm completely focused like right now. When I write, it drives me nuts when someone is right next to me or even in the same room as me. I HAVE to be by myself. But if something is deliberately being a distraction to me, it freaking annoys me. BUT if its not obvious, it slowly attracts my attention away and before I know it, I've lost all focus on my original focal point all together!

I HATE that!

Why? Because that is exactly how I turn from God. That is exactly how I lose focus on Jesus. Every day I fight to re GAIN focus on Jesus. If I don't meet Him every couple of hours, I'm a gonner and I totally forget Him all together.

I hate that about myself.

Its how Jesus humbles me. I see it and I hate it. But He loves me anyway. That blows me away, folks. It should blow you away too.

He sees the depths of my heart and He loves me the same... He is amazing God.
Its a test of my faith to fight it. But I think God is testing my mind. He says He tests the minds.

"But I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give each man according to his ways, according the results of his deeds." - Jeremiah 17:10

Hmm...


so I wrote a new song. It needs some refining, but you know? So does everything in life. Ask me some time to sing it for you.

To Live what One Sings
By Sarah F. G-------
6/10/08-6/12/08

Verse 1
I remember having high hopes for my life
I could look out and almost see myself in flight
And now I sit here on this floor
As I find the depth of life is so much more

Pre-Chorus
It's praying and it's waiting on the Lord
It’s moving and it’s seeing by His word

Verse 2
There are many who’ve answered Your call
So why do I feel so alone, left to weigh out it all
I look down through my tears
And I see my legs are broken, and that I’m facing my fears

Chorus1
And now I find myself in Your heart
Starting to see things the way You are
I now that You found me, I know
That to lose myself in You, I must let go


Verse 3
I feel like I’ve just left boot camp
I don’t feel like a loser, but sure don’t feel like a champ
I morn the loss of familiar ways
But I’m following God, and he’s not there anymore
He’s on to a brand new day


Chorus 2
And I’ll find myself where You are
As I see things the way You are
I’ll press on to all that is new
I’ll go through it all to see that I grew
I grew in You

Bridge
I’ve built a callous to all the pain
And the first time I’m way, I realize all I have to gain
My little hurts all come out of hiding
Each one met with mercy and healing – I’m healing

Pre-Chorus
I see that praying and waiting on the Lord,
Is what moves me to live by His word…

Chorus 3
And I find myself wrapped in Your arms
No counterfeit could touch Your part
As I allow You to make me whole
My life matters less and You matter more…

++++++++++++++++++

Well, I hope you guys are growing as much as I am. Its the worst, most wonderful thing in the world to be doing all the time.

But alas, it is time for my departure.

So be blessed and find Jesus as your complete joy. He never changes. That is exciting!


:)

God is exciting.

I stand humbled, but I stand none the less.

... so, God has really dealt with me since my last posting. Ultimately, if I want to call the "90%" out for what they're not doing, God thought I should probably know about those who ARE doing something of good cause. Not only did He show me some good BIG causes, but he also revealed the smaller ministries that are loving on people every day. Like the oaks family care center? Yeah, those people are loving on teen moms, homeless people and teens who just need a loving guide.

I am so totally humbled right now.

I suppose I get so passionate about things that I forget that there ARE people doing stuff!! there really are, and that if I'm going to bash things, I need to get going by supporting those who ARE doing good things... who are making a difference, both the small ministries and the big ones.


So I sit here in the intern office for the last time as an intern, today.
I feel.... like crying. So much has happened here... so much of my growth. The thing is though... no one really cares about how much I've grown here except me. Thats okay though. What scares the living daylights out of me is whats going to happen next.

For the last month I've been scared of what my life might hold after the internship, but its just been the last week that God has given me new hope: He WILL use me where He wants to, and guess what? I HAVE THE TIME TO BE USED now.

I feel like as I walk out of here, I'm walking away from a form of spiritual boot camp that I'll never want to go through again. Whether it means that it was my last stretch of true training before God throws me out there, I don't know. The last thing I ever want to believe though is that I've somehow arrived.

I know more then anything though that I haven't.

Hm.

I want to write songs again. I want to write poetry again. I want to be inspired. I AM being inspired every day! The problem? Its not coming out OUT!! It just keeps going in and my spirit, my heart, my soul keeps turning it over and over and over again, but nothing is coming from it yet. I hope more then anything that something absolutely lovely comes from this since, once again, I wait for something awesome to happen. Maybe though the thought of the day is: Am I supposed to MAKE it happen? Is the miracle not that its a new day but that I have another day to be better then yesterday?

Good question.


One thing I've been thinking about lately though is: I guess we'll figure it out. Today, I spend it with Christ. As long as thats the case, I'll be okay with whatever comes my way. Just don't take Him away.

I've never known Christ the way I do right now. I'm so blown away by the love I have for Him. I never knew I could love someone like this. My only real problem is trying to figure out how to love people the way He loves me. It takes SO MUCH EFFORT to love people the way Jesus does. Its so hard! Well... its not if they're lovable. I think the less you know about someone the easier it is to convince yourself that you love them like Christ. But the real challenge is when you know them deeper or better then before. The deal is that Jesus knows the parts of us that WE don't even know exist yet... and He loves us despite that. I can't even compose myself quick enough when someone is imperfect in front of me for the very first time!

I'm such a worm. but I'll quote Winston Churchill here, "We are ALL worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm."

I am a glowworm if I must be a worm.

But even God made the worms, and he provides for them. How much more does God love us then, being as we are human beings?

I cannot even fathom it. I cannot even fathom what is the width, the depth, the heighth, the VASTNESS of His love for us. I guess it'll be a life-long learning experience to love people the way Jesus loves us. I hope to love on HIM a little more like He loves by the end of my little life.


I love Him.


Nothing can compare to what I have with Him after this crazy 10 months of wishing I never had to come back to the church; of crying myself to sleep at night; of struggling with God to forgive again, for today.

I walk away from this place more a woman then I've ever been before, and more a child then I will ever be in later years. I hope to grow younger as I embrace the joy set before me to endure any trial...

I just wonder that I'm not walking away with more than I think I am. I bet God has instilled in me more then I realize right now.

But one thing I did get out of this: I questioned whether I was truly called to full-time ministry or not.
I truly questioned it and I've concluded after much pain, many tears, several hard-knocks and a few trying doubts that, YES. God has called me more then ever before. I could not be satisfied any other way but then to give my life to further the Kingdom of God through any sort of ministry God calls me to.

I don't know. I hope my writings can go into a time of simply desperate pursuit of God and true poetry of the soul.

sigh.


until next time...