Restore Me, Restore Others

Its been a while since I've actually posted an actual blog entry.
Mostly this is due to being busy and growing through a lot of changes in my life.

Has anyone ever seen crazy restorations happen when you least expect it - right out of the blue?

This is what my life is encountering right now.

I'm watching some major rifts in relationships be mended - so much and in such a way that it has left me spiritually with my jaw dropped.  I could NEVER have imagined the kind of faithfulness that the Lord is showing me in the life of my family.

Let me explain.

The Lord and I have interesting conversations and there are a few in which a moment is defined by a memorial snapshot for God to bring out later.  Such was the conversation that I had RIGHT  before the biggest fall out my family has ever experienced happened.

We had just changed churches, and my family was in a shambles.  I knew that we needed the Lord's help because it seemed that a lot was falling apart in our family and there was no one who was safe enough to be there for us in that time.
God and I had this conversation where I consulted Him about the entire situation and I was as serious as I could be for a 19 year old.
I said, "Lord, I don't even care anymore how much it hurts, whatever it takes, help us.  Heal my family."
Those 2 words formed into a desperate prayer, "help us!" were more on my lips than any other.

It wasn't too long before some of the biggest secrets came out that were both shocking and mortifying.  Who were these people I called  my siblings?!  None of us had even a clue until that long 4th of July night, 3 years ago.  Never had we experienced so much emotion, so much anger, so much hurt, so much heartbreak in small amount of time.  It was wrecking.

I remembered my prayers, and I didn't understand.
But the Lord was faithful.  He reminded me that in order to help us, He had to clean things out.

Fast forward 3 years and individually, a few us have begun to heal in our own way.  Restoration, we thought at this point was a far off hope.
But it wasn't.

A relationship which has had problems from the get go was restored on an ordinary Friday night at a bonfire AND as of tonight, my parents are meeting with another person who was a major part of the fall out with our family stuff in the first place.

And still, I cannot forget my prayer, "God help us!"

Three years seems like a long time in high school.  But it ends up being faster than one could imagine as you go into your twenties.
Before you know it, 3 years can be planned for without a problem.

Looking back on the last 3 years, I don't see all that God has been orchestrating in our lives. Who knows even now?  But all of a sudden, something has shifted, and its time to make amends.  Beautiful isn't it?
One day, you wake up and no longer feel resentment towards a person who you've been trying to forgive for years.  In fact, you almost feel - love.

Why?


God is faithful.

So here's what I've been thinking.  Its a lie to think we get to where we're going in our own abilities and our own strengths.  Its only when we find the ugly end of ourselves that we begin to actually move forward and beyond ourselves in the first place.

Yeah, some people prosper for a short time even in their wickedness.  But as for me?  As for those of  US who are following Jesus?  We are blessed among men.

"Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.  They are brought to their knees and fall but we rise and stand firm. " - Psalm 20:7-8

Titles, pedestals and man-made positions fade.  One cannot take their college degrees into eternity.  At some point none of that can help you if you don't have favor among men.

But we - we are blessed among men because we have favor with God.

"God, help us."

Desperation.  Deliberation.  Down-right dependent on God being good.
That is what it comes down to.

"3 years" has broken any notion I had that I was in control.   What, was I in control of my emotions? My feelings? My friends?  My family?  My life? My job? My church?

ALL of it came crashing down.
What then, am I left with?  A confused, finite mind - a pride that will fight truly unto its death.

But God.  (What a wonderful phrase - but God .)

But God was answering my prayer.

Only God can help my family at the lowest and highest points.  Everything and everyone else is dispensable.
It comes down to trusting in the good name of the Lord our God.

Same is true for me: only God can really help me.

I've personally been going through a season where I'm allowed to feel EVERYthing for what its worth.
My entire life I've been told I'm oversensitive and so my entire life I've been trying so hard not to feel my emotions to the fullest that they are.  Stuffing all that makes for one angry person - someone who controls themselves impeccably until something sets them off.  But God has been hacking into all of that and I'm able to finally forgive for real.

I'm allowed to be fully angry and I'm allowed to be ecstatically excited.  I'm allowed to!  But that also means that I've got to face the feelings of deep longings, disappointments and even dare to... hope.

No man can help me here.  Only God.  But God.
And He is.  So I'm becoming free.

Free to express, free to share, free to NOT share.  Free to love.  Free to be just ... me.  Not have to worry about people telling me that I feel too much, that I AM too much and that I'm not good enough.
God is my help.  The Spirit is the Heart Changer even in our most wretched state.

Praise the Lord and thanks be to the most High God!  And because He is the Heart Changer, I'm free to finally offer grace to those who have fully betrayed trust.  How can I not when I'm finally beginning to understand how much forgiveness has been bestowed upon me?

"God, help us."

He is a good, good God, guys.  He scares me.  His unpredictable ways undo me.
But He's good and He loves His kids.

Today I visited a friend's church and the word that stuck out in the prayer time was "Restore".
Talking about how restoring doesn't just mean to put something back in its place, but to put something back in its place and abundantly more.  This is the story of my heart right now:  Restoration.

Here are the lyrics to one of my all time favorite vineyard songs:

Restore Me
Michael Flowers
Have mercy on me my unfailing love
Have mercy on me, Redeemer
Please open my eyes
My soul now set free
To surrender

Create in me a pure heart oh God
Renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away
From your presence oh Lord
Cast me not away

Restore me with joy from heaven
Restore me to sing Your praise
Restore me restore others
To follow Your ways

Come breathe on me now
Oh life-giving wind
Come breathe on me now, Redeemer
You’re looking for hearts broken and contrite
Look with favour
Look with favour
Look with favour 

Those Midnight Encounters

Have you ever had those moments when you look at the clock, its past midnight but there's business you know you have to do with God?  Its those moments when your flesh tells you that you need 'so many' hours of sleep for your 'busy work day' ahead of you... which is busy EVERY day... But isn't God worth the lack of sleep for a day?

This week has been a major wrestling match with God.  I'm an analyzer. I don't get my heart.  I don't get my situations.  And what it really comes down to is:  I don't get God.  I've been praying and thinking and analyzing and round and round my thoughts go, trying to come to SOME conclusion that makes sense.  But nothing does, because I have a small and limited view.

...Calculated Chaos in the Midst of ... Peace?

My life has taken a few undetected turns since I last wrote...
But strangely enough, I'm not too alarmed.  There's so much going on with my family ... dare I share that I believe God may be restoring us?

My brother and my sister (my sister being gone and not around for a year and a half, my brother being gone for about 5ish/6ish months) are finding themselves back at home more and more often, and our family is receiving them with loving arms.  Last Friday, along a brave young man's request to pursue me, my family... my Family was all together for the first time in a year and a half.  My grandparents included... EVERYONE around the table.  ... Something happened in my heart that night.  It felt like home for the first time in a LONG time.

I laughed because the truth is, I really AM a sinner without Christ!!

I would like to insert something I wrote to a friend on our blog this time last year, into this one. The truth is startling and absolutely full of laughter for its truth. I busted out and laughed at myself!

God is showing me the pride I sensed in myself but was never mature enough to face OR understand HOW to because it was so great and deep within myself.

I mean really? before, I would admit that I'm screwed up, but somehow get this twisted idea that there was no point to have to repent ABOUT it because you would screw up again anyway and why would God want you to do THAT if you didn't mean it?

So God has in a process actually said to me, "So you say you're screwed up."

"Yes" I say. "I am Definitely screwed up."
"Then you need to repent every day."
"Why? I'll just screw up again."
"Thats why I say my mercies are renewed every morning."
"But if I repent everyday that would mean..."
"that would mean that you screw up everyday..."
".....................wow................"
"Shocker isn't it?"
"........................wow................."
"You aren't perfect, are you?"
"..............wow.............you're right. I'm not............"
"Thats why you need it EVERY MORNING."
".....................wow....................I do!..........."



And so I have finally realized that I always held myself to a standard of perfection which in itself is an imperfect standard... and expected myself to be perfect and got so ashamed of myself if I did something IMperfect. But now I'm being broken down. And all of a sudden... I'm beginning to know my place. that place is, though I have a right to my own thoughts, I have no right to judge. I have no rights, period.



ah.



I'm tired.

I would be tired too, if I had just come up with that!

be reminded, had laugh! We think we're perfect, but the truth is, we think we're perfectly screwed up and we're really not! we're just... screwed up.

Praise the Lord that we are! I would be worried if we weren't!



So here's my next new song that I just finished today.

Enjoy and ask me to do it for you some time!

The Cry of a Sinner
By Sarah F. G-----
7/3/08-7/9/08

Sometimes I forget that this is not my home
Sometimes I forget that I’m not alone
And sometimes I forget that I’m alive
When all I’ve known comes crashing down before my very eyes

And this is my binding creed
This is what makes me, what breaks me

Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.

There’s no sense on dwelling on what is gone
Nor in wishing what’s true isn’t true.
So let my hope rise with the wind that blows my hair in my face
And whisk me off to the now of a new day

But this is my binding creed
This is what makes me, what breaks me

Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.

Life happens to all of us, you and me
But it all happens for a reason
So let my bitterness roll away with the stone from His grave
And let me rise with the Son who saves [it’s a new day]

And this is my victory
This is what makes me free

Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.

God I thank you for my circumstances. Its what the most beautiful perfumes of worship come from, what my most lovely fall comes from. I know that someday I'll see the whole picture and I'll see it through your eyes. But today I recognize that I am but human, and that I do feel loss and pain and betrayal and rejection. I feel hurt. Thank you Jesus for your gift of emotions. Here is my offering to you. Here is my praise for all you've cleaned out of my life... and out of my closet. Praise you Jesus. You are my sweet song. I love you.

Can a writer be lesser in a year henceforth?

I understand that I haven't written even as much as I would think I would. Truth is, if I'm not writing in here, its in my personal journals. I go in spurts, if you will. Sometimes I have something thats just BURSTING at the seems to be shared with the world, and then there are other things that need a quiet moment of reflection with just me and God in mind.

So far, its mostly been just quiet reflection.

But today! Today is different.


I am finally ready after about 2 months, to share my thoughts with you.


First, I don't even know how to even measure up to the things I have written in the past.

I read things that I wrote in this blog a year ago, and I think two things.

the first thing is, "WOW... I could WRITE!!"

The other thing was, "hmmmm.... whether I intended to sound that way or not, I sound arrogant."

I guess its something God grows you up from. I didn't mean to sound arrogant, and in my heart I really wasn't, but in my attitude, I very well may have been.

And then I think of where I was a year ago. Its shocking. I SEEM the same, but I know better. I'm not. I'm different.
I'm not even sure if I like being different. Am I quiet-spirited? Am I faithful? Am I acting worthy of the gospel?

No!
I'm not!

But by the grace of Jesus, my salvation is not based on my works, but on my faith that His blood has made me new and free from the bondage of sin.


Sometimes I feel defeated. I feel like a failure. I feel like every time I do something right, everything goes more wrong then if I had done it wrong.
I feel like such a mess up.

I don't listen to God when I should, But I sure talk alot to Him.
Then, I look for His answers when I already have them and should be putting them into action.


The last 6 months have been a real stretch for me. I've had to face my biggest fears and realize, its not killing me like I thought I would.
I've kept myself busy to the point of exhaustion only to find that I must still face inevitable pain at the end of the day.

In the last 6 months I've realized that I don't care if you call yourself a Christian or not, you can cause more pain by insensitive little comments then you would if you flat told me you thought I was the most ugly being in the world.

Or... How do you deal with someone who was once your best friend to not even look at you as though you were nonexistant... EVERY DAY.

Can I be simply honest? Christmas break was the best thing that happened to me in the last 6 months! It was the most relaxing, the most NICE time. No strife. No feeling of rejection.. no feeling stupid. No feeling like a total outsider. No feeling like I'm the hated odd one out.

I surrounded myself with people who care about me. Do you know how good that feels?

I took it for granted I think.
Its so nice to just be trouble about one little thought and to have someone come up to me and just ask, "Hey, I see somethings wrong. Don't tell me its not! I can tell by your eyes! Spill it, girl."

Sorry, but no one does that. I am alone where I am.

Its the hardest part of where I am right now.

But this does not make up for a miserable life. It just makes up for a lot of pain and a lot more reason to surrender to Jesus every time I have a chance.

Then there are the people who love me. They see my house a mess, they take me to work when my brakes give out on my car, they text me throughout the day to see how I'm doing, they invite me to things, they make me feel worth while. They make me want to dress up again. They make me want to feel beautiful. They make me press on. They give me pep talks and they bless me with hugs or a knowing smile. They give me books to read that they know I'd like. They trust me with their thoughts and they don't hesitate to break out into prayer whether by IM, text, phone, email or in person. Yes, we get on eachothers nerves at times, but these people respect me! They care about my heart, they care about my feelings, they care about what affects me JUST AS MUCH as I do them!

Is it not the most biggest blessing?

And then, the blessing of my family. We do not have strife. Strife is hidden tention that we won't let surface. No, our underlying spirit and atmosphere is love, whether or not we're having our best day or not. My family is by no means perfect. But I am proud of them. I'm proud of the Jesus they're learning to know. I'm proud that they're trying to figure it out. I'm proud that they're struggling to seek him even when they sometimes have a hard time believing He's even there.

And you know what gets me? People actually think they have the right to openly show their dissaproval of them to my face!

My human reaction? I wanna beat em up.

My Christian reaction? Be ticked at anyone who thinks they have a right to judge my family when I've lived with them for just about 19 years of my life and don't have that attitude towards them!!!



You know what really bothers me? Young Christian adults with NO humility or Character. It makes me mad. I just want to look at them and go, " Who do you think you are?!" Really?

A comment that made me tick BUT think was, "You always have something to say about everything, Sarah."

For the first time in a long time, I knew that was wronger then a door knob being attached to a ceiling and being called a fan.

I shot that down so fast I didn't know what hit me. Do you know how many times I DON'T say something? I may talk alot, mind you, which I'll be the first to admit, gets me into issues of misscomunication problems, but I can ASSURE you ALL that if I spoke my mind HALF the time I had something to say something about, the world would be full of Sarah opinions. I know I say stuff, but I only truly talk publically about stuff I KNOW where I stand on! Other times its to throw an idea out there. Do you know how many times I'm usually shot down by voicing my thoughts? 95 percent of the time. Am I right to, sure! Is it worth is, maybe. Am I tired of the same ppl being ignorant and just wanting to look cool to other people? ABSOLUTELY!

Seriously, I even get shot down HERE on occasion. Do I agree with it? NO.

I think if you have an issue with what I write and its about moral things, you'd better email me right away!!!

If its because you've got issues with me or are looking for a good argument? Go AWAY. If I bother you so much, why read my blog? Its only causing you to stumble!


argh.


I've been roughed up on the edges a little bit.
I'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing.


I'm sorry I don't have some beautifully written, profound entry today. I wish I did, honestly. Iguess I have to learn how to write that again. But really, I have nothing too special to say.

I'm just a girl having issues with things that go unseen for the most part. You know? I think part of the issue is that I feel like I go unseen alot.

isn't that a thought, now?

Ouch

you know, Lord?

This sucks.

I feel used, I feel invisible and I feel like just another girl.
It sucks that I feel that way.
Of course, I asked You to use me. I shouldn't be complaining!

me: "Lord!! Use me Use me Use me!!!!!!"
God: "Okay!"

later...

Me: "God!!! I feel so used!"
God: "But you said.."
Me: ".....I'm sorry, this just...I feel like I didn't even benifit from this. I feel like all it did was hurt me and give me a lesson learned."
God: "Sarah..."
Me: "Wait.. I know I'm so selfish. I SHOULDN'T sit here and tell you I didn't get anything out of this and complain. But God... .... and I don't WANT to complain, and I'll try NOT to, Jesus! Its just that... and I know I deserve a lot of what I get, but ... why me? Of all the people who.. I guess the question really is why NOT me? Lord, this hurts, I don't understand but I give this to you. I trust You, Lord. I do. Its just hard. Give me joy."
God: "Sarah, I love you, darling. I will be gentle. You are strong in Me. You'll see. You will dance. You will shout. You will bring glory. Just don't forget Me now. Press on. You'll see My will in due time, dear Child. I love you."

Sigh.

here I am

screwed up

beat up.

feeling hung out to dry.

I feel like an idiot.

I wear my heart on my sleave.

I give and give, and then cry and hurt when people throw it back.
I want to NOT give... but... I'm meant to.
and I screwed up.
maybe thats why this hurts more... because of my choices.
I didn't guard my heart.


sigh.

but its not broken.
and I'm not strong.

But God Is.


thats all the reason I need.

In the Words of Mouser, "Its all Good, brothah!"

You know?

I didn't know I could do what I'm doing.

I didn't know I could actually press through this sort of pain.

I've done it before, I know I have. I just remember it being much harder the first time.

This time though, I'm stronger somehow. And I can't remember exactly where I became stronger, I just know that last year, this time, I was in the same state of pain. The difference is, That its this year, and I've lived a full year since then. I grew. I've grown.
And now I hear God egging me on saying, "Hold your head high, Beloved! You are My daughter, and I have a plan for your life. Stand by Me and learn My statutes, and I will give you the wisdom you long for. You are strong, but I am stronger. Be confident in Me no matter how things seem to be going, and I will lead you on. You are Mine. I will never hurt you or forsake you. I WILL complete the works I have begun in you until that day which no one knows the day or the hour. I love you, darling. I will show you your dream. Just follow Me."

And, I cannot resist.

I cannot help the feelings I have. I can restrain them, though I've learned.
I can hide them as well.

I don't know what I'll do.

Truth is, its my time to wait, AND keep going, strange as it may sound.

Don't get me wrong... I hurt a lot.

But I love a lot too. Thats why I must go through some of this pain.

But... Jesus did.

And He calls us to follow Him in our every day walk. This must mean that this...this thing I'm going through, is Good.


And if it is Good,

then, I think I'll be okay.

Myrrhy Christmas...

My heart hurts more then I've ever known it to hurt before. It has ached, it has morned, but it has never actually hurt like this before. I wrote this poem before I knew I would need it. I suppose God knew though.

Maybe what hurts the most is that everything that is going on right now is what God wants, as far as I can see.

I'm not acting out of emotion, I'm acting out of faith. For those of you who don't know how that feels, I'll give you this: "Pain is not the phrase to feel exactly how I do. Ache comes close but even so, its meaning is but crude."

Now, with that being said, here is the rawness of my heart.




When its in My Hands
by Sarah Faith, 12-21-06


Another break, another crack
all within my hands.
A tear, a heave, a sigh, my needs
all withered with my plans.
I hold them dear, every slice -
all crumbs and goods enclosed,
and watch as every porcelain piece
cracks with each tear down my nose.
"Lord! I'm careful, gentle, kind!
I've tried my best I swear!
So why is it that when its mine,
It gets broken when I share?"
Looking down, I take in view
the intricate detail
of every hue, of every charm
my hear had once entailed.
My eyes, they filled with tears again
as if they'd never cried,
as I held the pieces of
my most important of insides.
I hold them out to look again,
thinking of what I'd do,
Should I try some duct tape,
or this time, super glue?
I look up from my thoughts,
into familiar eyes,
And once again, I break down
as if I'd never before cried.
I held out my broken heart,
wrapped up in my soul,
"Lord I broke it again,
When I took it back to hold."
I handed it all over,
gently dropping piece by piece,
the heart that once was whole
that now needed fixed.
A tear dropped from His eye,
the same time one did mine,
and His told me of the pain
He knew, and more, inside.
He gently held my heart,
as His tear fell down His cheek,
and dropped with distinct aim
into my shattered mess with peace.
Before my very eyes,
I then saw with all form
my heart was being healed
as He reached out to my core.
"This will take some time, dear one,
but I will help and share
the burdens that you carry
with the worries and the cares.
Let Me hold your heart again,
and you will finally see
that sharing of your heart, My child,
is showing them to Me.
And then, maybe someday,
they will do the same,
they'll give their hearts back to Me,
again and again.
But remember one thing, Child,
when your heart is in My hands,
Your needs and dreams
will far exceed, all your hopes and plans.



I'm hoping that all this will be as Myrrh unto God.

"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
when sarrows and sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast tought me to say
even so, it is well with my soul."

My Tribute to Sharin the Dear Heart.

Dear Friend
by Sarah Faith

--> this one's to all of my soul's friends.
Dedicated to Sharin.


Dear friend,
you are beautiful in all that you do,
I am blessed by your friendship and I thank God for you.
Through all the times of pain and the like,
you've put on a smile, and kept on the fight.

You've cried on my shoulder, and I'm honored to be
the friend you could trust with a soaked sleave. (soaked sleaves are glorious, btw)

As time goes on, we must grow up, you say
and I agree with you too, but don't forget, if you may
that even though life grows us up fast,
friends in Lord will always hold fast.

And there are those times that we go through alone
not because we want to, but because we must grow.
And funny enough, we learn later on
that our friends were going through the same sort of "fun".

But then we meet back up with a start
fonder the feelings from being apart.
and deeper the ship of friends never sink
the love is our treasure, though not barried [wink!]

I'm convinced that this love that that we sisters/sibs share
is only a fraction of how Jesus cares.
But my heart is so full, it comes pretty dang close
I look at heaven in my heart, now, different then most.

Could you imagine, if we can know this much now
what capacity we'll have when the Kingdom abounds?
Oh! To live in such bliss, to even comprehend
Lets both wait on this day, together we'll stand.

But of course not idly, for there is much work to do.
but lets wait excitedly, putting time to God's use.
Lets win other souls as friends and as Christ's
wooing each with the Love that resides in our hearts.

And when that day comes, when we're then taken up,
lets make a moment to chill and say, " hey! wassup!?"
We'll grin at each other with litten up eyes
and then meet our Savior for the very first time.





Sharin's Song.

Your song, Sharin, is one of growth. One of Pain and of innocence. Yours is one of love, and of hugs that hold more healing then a word to the soul. Your song will be of teasing, of laughter and of mint tea.
It will be of hard times and leadership and guys on your team. It'll be of football, of tackling, of cackling and pink. Of hairdo's, of painting, of good will and "stink". It'll be of dancing of singing, of bon-fires and chores. Of friendships and soul mates, of nicknames, oh but so much more.

It is of tree-climbs, of scared legs, of toothpaste and music. Its of giggles, yes giggles, of mischeif and post-its!
Its of roses, of flowers, of romancing one's friends. Its of writing and thinking and notes and great pens. Its of forests, of rocks, of fairies and groundhogs. Groundhogs, yes groundhogs and screaming and pet dogs. Its of makeup and secrets that are hidden in the walls. Its of crying, of healing and running through the halls.

But Sharin your life, is far deeper than this, its of the future, the present, a kind word, a kiss.
Its of loving those you don't know, and loving those you'd like to hate. Its reading your Bible even when its way late.

Its of knowing a Jesus, who's more alive then 2000 years ago. Its of being a princess... of carpet fairies and toes.

But Sharin, your life, is far better then this: Its the lives that you've touched just by living all of this. Its the tool that you gave God, the time you forgo, to be but a servent, though perky, you know. Its of living and dying and living again. But Sharin for that, you're worth more than you've been. See, all this, your song, will die with this world. But you lived unto Jesus, and that means the World.



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yes, I wrote that poem today.
Sharin's Song however was written about a month ago.
Friends are friends forever if the Lord is the Lord of them.
I believe that with everything in me, and no matter what other things we go through as anything different or more then just friends, know that we will always stay friends because I treasure every friendship God gives me.