I Found Myself In India

The air was was muggy and smelt faintly of spices.
I knew I had stepped into a different world the moment I stepped out of the plane.

I heard it would be weird and I heard it would smell different.  I heard it would smell, period.
And they weren't wrong.  But to me, it smelled wonderful.
It smelled wonderful because it smelled like a dream coming true.

There's something about India that has either begun to lace itself into my heart... or perhaps it was woven in to begin with.  Maybe its always been apart of my DNA.  I'm not sure.

Confessions of an Awkward Snow White

Dear Lord.

This is how half of my journal entries begin.  The other half choose different names for God.

"First can I tell You that I'm so tired of this needing to be brought before You over and over again?
Yet, I apologize because your Spirit softly rebukes my heart, "How can you measure where you feel you should be right now?  To what do you compare?  I the Lord judge the hearts of man.  Release it again."
God told me not long ago that He wasn't a girlfriend. He is God, and His friendship requires that I bring everything - over and over again - before Him even when I feel like 'I should be done with this by now.'" - 11-4-11

This is the nature of my personal journal - deep thinking, honest - God honest  - rawish material of a processing heart.

The reason why I shared a small excerpt from my personal thoughts before the Lord is simple:  this is where I was a year ago.  I was stuck, and the Lord was encouraging me forward to be faithful and persistent in the rut.  What I didn't know was that come the new year, the Lord would be launching me into a season of unwrapping.

The gift?  Myself.

Sound self centered?  Nope.  Quite the contrary.  Let me explain.

A Heart of Rest

Rest.

  Have you ever met anyone who was entirely chill with themselves?
You know, the kind of person who you instantly trust.  They don't have any fire walls or reservations.  You know without a lick of doubt that who they are in front of you is who they are.  There is nothing to prove.  There's no need to prove it if there was.  They may not even know themselves fully (then again, can you ever, really?) but they're okay with that because to the extent that they do know themselves, they are at rest with it.
  This idea of being "at rest" becomes more distinct if we add a new factor to the mix; Sex.

Sex: the differences between whether that person is male or female.
Suddenly, it becomes a little more personal.  A man who is at rest within himself reflects the glory of true masculinity.  Likewise, a woman at rest with herself mirrors the truest forms of femininity.  And, clearly a person at peace with who they are is considered beautiful, even within society's standards.  Not for any outward reason, of course.  But for the very fact that who they are draws forth who we dream -  even long to be.  You don't just want to be a man, you want to be a picture of masculinity with purpose and vision attached to it.  You want to be someone worth following.  I as a woman don't just want to be girly, (or NOT girly, for some) I long to be accepted within all the attributes of my feminine being.  Neither sex desires to be shamed for what they desire to be.

hearts are pounding.

She's on to something.

  Now add God into this bag of stirring thoughts.
No, no.  Not the God you think I'm talking about.  Get your version or your perceived idea of who God is out of your head.  He's bigger than your mind.  He's bigger than mine.  We think we've got HIM down?
He's got all men, all women, all children - every heart, every hair, every thought - from the beginning of time until its end - memorized and He calls each person by name.  People are always telling God who He is. Those who say they're His, those who say they're not.  All of the people in between.  But only He would know.  And how could we ever?  We're like a breath and we're like a vapor.  We're here and then gone just as quick as we inhale and exhale.
  Yet...
not only does this God take the constant scrutiny and speculation of people who lack experience of truly knowing Him fully, (and that counts for those of us who're working on a lifetime of knowledge) and not only can our accusations of His character not effect who He knows and shows Himself to be, (Um hey.  One of His names is the Prince of Peace.  Eh?)  He also takes care in fashioning us in a way that makes us long for something beyond ourselves.

Nothing material.

Just simple.

Rest.  Peace.  Trust.  Child-like and worry-freedness.
"Those were the days," some of us reminisce.
"Oh, to be young again," some of us even say.

Its a familiar ache inside our worn and battered hearts that never quite goes away.

  I've been pondering this thought for over a month now.
I'm 23.  I'm young enough that I've "still got time", but old enough to know that my time is quickly flying by, (or is that me?)  If I'm wise enough, I would also know that time is too heavy of a responsibility and it isn't mine to hold; AND that I shouldn't waste it, especially if it isn't mine.
If I know the word of God, I know THE time is drawing near and IS here and that one hesitation of living in it fully (disobedience, ultimately) could reroute me into taking the longer way OR could result in me living a life lesser than God's best for me.
What is God's best for me?
Knowing mercy.
Walking in grace.
Knowing true Love and real kindness.
Living an abundant life.
Knowledge of my identity in Him.
Rest.
Peace.
Walking by faith.
Partnering with Him in His glorious plan to restore whole beauty to the earth, starting with these stubborn creations of His called humans.
Yet He calls them to be a people after His own heart.

I call humanity stubborn because they know the stories yet they refuse the truth.  They refuse the truth because its too good to be true.  Things that are too good to be true are rendered as fairy tales.
Yes.
Fairy tales.
And fairy tales? 
Those are for children.

 But isn't it the children we are jealous of, what with their free-spirits and child-like faith that everything will turn out okay?

Notice I didn't use  the word "envy".  For envy is something that isn't ours that we wish we had.
"Jealousy" on the other hand is something that SHOULD be ours, and isn't at the moment.

Thus says the LORD: "Stand by the roads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls. But they said, 'We will not walk in it.' -Jeremiah 6:16

Stubborn, that is what we are.  I imagine humanity as a 13 year old teenager who, no matter what the parent says, will indeed choose the opposing side - even if what the parent is saying is entirely right and beneficial and could EVEN possibly appeal to the youngster.
Its the nature of the beast.  We want what we want.  And we naturally don't want God.
Naturally.  Supernaturally on the other hand means its a miracle - and that's where salvation comes into play.

  At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will.   All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.   Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  - Matthew 11:25-30 (emphasis added)

So we know that we can only know the Father IF Jesus decides to reveal Him.  How does this tie into rest?  What IS that?  Well. Jesus says to learn from Him because He is gentle and lowly in heart.
 FYI, there is no one so low that Jesus cannot serve.  And, He's gentle with OUR hearts, because He's lowly in His. Jesus ALSO said in John 14:9 that whoever has seen Jesus has seen the Father. Oh.  So that means that God the Father is  gentle and lowly in heart too.

 For me, rest for my soul means - knowing who I am, being at peace with it and being free to just... be me.  -Free from the weight of time, free from worrying about what I will wear, what I will eat, what I will drink, where I will live.... and actually dreaming big again.  And:  not only dreaming big, but WITH GOD'S help, LIVING the dream I was meant for.  HIS dream for me.  Does this mean I stop my 9-5 day job? Maybe not.  But maybe yes.  Does this mean I let go of my adult responsibilities?  No.  I believe we're to be people of excellence.  But this MAY mean I stop taking responsibility for other people's lives and just start really living my own.

When I focus on trying to do this myself, I am filled with stress and anxiety.  I overload and overwhelm myself with the responsibility of "finding myself."

BUT:  there is another way. The better way. And in fact, its the only way that isn't generic or counterfeit.

Dear friends, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when He appears we shall be like Him, because we shall see Him as He is. -1 John 3:2 (emphasis added)

This scripture shows us 2 truths.  The first is that at the point of Christ's return, we will see who He is fully, and we shall reflect HIS beauty fully the way the Holy Spirit has been faithfully preparing us to do since we first believed.
The second is this; to the extent that we know Jesus and see His heart, we are able to know ourselves and our identity in Him because we are made to reflect His beauty.

So:  WHEN I focus on myself and try desperately to know who I am apart from God, I only cause more turmoil in my life.  I make it hard for myself.  AND, even the end result is but a shadow - not even a reflection - of what I could know about myself.

But if I focus on Jesus - if I become a student of His heart - not even just of His words - I can know the God of the Bible.  I can know the WHOLE story of His wrath on evil, His heart of mercy and His desire to show grace to those who seek it.  If I dare to know this massive heart of His for our very obstinate human race, and even may I venture to say His heart for a little soul like me, it is very likely that not only will my unmet needs for feeling "special" and "picked first" (within the vast population) be met, I may also begin to believe that I in fact was meant to grow forth into greatness and radiance.  I was meant for such a time as this.

And so are you.

All of sudden - this 23 year old heart holding with tender sentiment all those fairy tales deep inside, is beginning to LIVE the fairy tale, instead of just dreaming about it.  Not because I have a man in my life.  Not because I have the dream job or the dream lifestyle.  Not because of ANYthing material.

I'm living the fairy tale because I'm being transformed from a pauper to a prince by love.
I'm the Cinderella the prince scours the kingdom for.
I'm the Sleeping Beauty who was fought for and loved back to life.
I'm the Little Mermaid who has a winning heart even without her song.
I'm the Jasmine who can stare down the face of evil and speak her heart, mind and truth in boldness.
I'm the Belle who finds a heart of gold in the brutes and beasts when everyone else holds their pitchforks and guns.
I'm the Marian who's spirit burns with adventure for humility, mercy and justice and loves the outcast's heart.
I was made Snow White and called the fairest among maidens even though I am dark.

Those are my stories.

What are yours?

Who are you?

Why settle?

Why settle at all?

The Beauty of Femanitity, Hope and The Wedding Summer

With it being so long since I've composed a substantial entry in this newly vamped blog of mine (yay!!) I figured it would be best to title it exactly what it would be about.


Starting with the last subject first, I'll begin with weddings! 
 A girlfriend once stated, "This is the weddingest summer of my life," which for her was last year.
I can't think of anything more appropriate to explain the kind of summer its been for me, this summer of 2012!  Almost every weekend this month alone has either been a wedding that I'm in or should definitely go to, a shower or a bachelorette party and I think I may go insane!  Not because its not fun but because I'm the kind of person who's tank gets filled back up by being alone.  All of these events include people.  Lots of people.  People that I know and love, people that I'm merely acquainted with and people I just don't know. So its no surprise that I find myself freaking out (on the inside) that I don't feel like I have a moment to breathe!  On the other hand, its definitely a precious time of sharing in the joy of some of my dearest sisters receiving a hearts desire, well waited for.  I wouldn't take back a moment I've put in to help it all run smoother.

Interestingly enough I've been asked a few times how I've been doing in all of this.  You know, the question that people ask in vagueness but really, they mean something super specific.
Just in case a translation is in order, I'll offer an example for what I mean.

"I've been meaning to ask you...how are you doing?"
translation:
"I've been meaning to ask you, how are you doing watching each of your girlfriends get married to the man of their dreams and it not being you, again?"

I guess it sounds a little harsh, but that's really the question that's being asked and it makes me chuckle that so much care is taken to daintily step around the real issue.

This answer  TO this question actually leads me into my next 2 subjects (and just in case you're wondering, the quick answer to how I'm doing is:  I'm fine.  Really and truly!)
And the long answer is that God has been doing a deep work in me these past 2 months.

I'm not really sure what kind of season my heart as been in or how to describe it, honestly.
Its been dark, but its much more de-light-ful than any other season I've been through.
Its the kind of season where in the beginning you face your own heart -dark, yucky and all and don't run or retract your gaze.  Its hard to do because you have to come to terms with the ugliness inside, and for a girl who aches to be beautiful this is a hard lesson to learn.
Praise God for introducing my little uber-churched heart to sister Mercy who took me by the hand and sat with me as I faced my own heart bravely.  She didn't say a word, she just offered her presence.  And that alone encouraged me to keep my shoulders squared.
After a time I needed MORE encouragement because what I hadn't anticipated in this season was that not only was it a time for me to face my ugliness, it was also a time for me to face dreams and broken dreams, hopes and disappointments I had pushed deep down because of hurts, words and circumstances. Not only did I need to face the ugly, I needed to face what was beautiful and broken too.  I don't know about you, but I just never realized how afraid I was to accept myself, emotions and all.  Here is where I met sister Grace.  She took my other hand. 

I'm an analyst by nature.  I over analyze EVERYthing.  "Stop thinking so much!" is something I've heard more times than I can count by more people than just my mother.
What can I say?  I like to know how people work and consequently that means I have an obsession for knowing how I work too. The problem however is that I would stuff my emotions down so that I wouldn't be irrational. I'm used to relying on what I think rather than what I feel.  But I've learned that in order to think clearly about myself, I need to be allowed to BE myself and not let my heart condemn me when my feelings decide they'd like to have a say.
Problem with this (to many people, not to myself) is that I'm a passionate person.
I feel and I feel strongly.
Nobody has to tell me that they're overwhelmed by my zeal.  It overwhelms ME too.  Well okay, not the zeal part. 
I'm more overwhelmed by the fear that nobody would delight in my heart because all they see is big emotion and wont dig further.
But this isn't abnormal for me, this kind of feeling or situation.

Whats NEW is that I'm not apologizing for my feelings anymore.  I'm not afraid of them either.  And I'm not afraid of what will happen to me if I allow myself  the right to feel every last emotion that a thing would trigger in me.
Why?
Because God made me an emotional person.  Its a picture of a soft heart, looking into the life of someone who is willing to be fully human with emotions, deep thinking, mess and all that it entails. 

I make no apologies.  I'm dark.  I've seen my heart.  I'm thoroughly convinced I haven't an inch of good in me.

The thing is though - apparently all the yuckagunk in my heart is perfect soil for things to grow, especially if its allowed to be tilled and worked on.
Seeds of hope have been planted by the Lord Himself into my heart and now, little plants are beginning to poke through.  Not quite bloomed or anything, but the roots at least are deeply laced within my soul and they draw their life from the well of faith deep inside.

I was meant to bring forth life as a woman.  This doesn't mean children are the only thing to give birth to.
Letting God work with my filth to make something absolutely stunning come out of this mess is what I'm getting at here.

My guns are down.
I've been wrestling the Lord a lot in working out this process of trust - true trust.
And you know?  Something I hadn't bargained for is that He's showing me how beautiful the heart of a woman really is, in light of the glory of God.
I've always viewed my heart as a bothersome contraption which longs for things that aren't realistic - even when I was overly hopeful for romance as a young teenager.   God views my feminine heart as a garden - a place where He longs to come and walk with me in.
And if I really think about it, I truly desire to offer my heart's hospitality, even though I've hidden it away for so long.
I'm beginning to really believe God's heart for women is to be radiant.
We were meant to be beautiful from the inside out.
And not to say that every man will be attracted to every woman but - men see it.  Especially men who love Jesus - a woman who offers her strength and beauty within the context of her femininity stirs a man to BE a man - and a Godly one at that.
Humility
reverence
hope
receiving love
acceptance
giggling
enjoying - each of these are being worked into my heart to teach me that I don't need to clamor all the time or beat myself up for for actually living.
I was made to be at rest with myself.
And out of that, I'm able to invite others to do the same in my presence as a welcoming personality. 
I truly desire to love people well.
How can I do that when I don't allow God to show me what He loves about me so much?

I'm starting to feel beautiful in ways I never imagined possible.
I'm proud to be a woman because God has made me such.
I'm excited for the plan He has for me, in so putting on His love as my heart's clothing.

I'm excited because simply put:  too many people fit themselves into a mold that is cookie-cutter-christianesque because that's what they're told  it is to be a good Christian.
But you know what?  My first priority is not to be a good Christian.  In fact, thats not how I even want to be perceived.   I want to be a fully alive woman who lives by Grace, walks by Faith and has Beauty in her sights.  I want to be known as a woman who is well loved by God.  I want to be known as one who loves Him more than life - and definitely needs Him.
 If I can be THIS kind of woman, I can invite others to be this kind of person too.

That is beautiful to me - inviting people into the Kingdom of God in this way.
This is my heart.
Ah.  This is the heart of God.

Christ in Me, My Truest Hope.

Its hard to believe that 2011 has come and gone.  When I think of the month "January" I'm still thinking, "Oh, that was just a few weeks....... ..... ago.... wait......"

What a long - fruitful year with Jesus.  I'm so SO  glad I'm not the same person I was this time last year.  Actually, thinking about this time last year, I smile.  Everything has a time and a season.  I don't regret where I was then... but I wouldn't change to ever go back to  being  that person again either.  I've grown too much to try to squeeze myself into the confinements of who I was then, now.

A lot is on my mind for this year.

Maybe I should make those things into lessons-I've-learned bullet points.

• Relationships - with anyone - almost never turn out the way you expect them to.
• People are never what you assume - one way or the other.
• You can't be everyone's dream girl or dream guy.  Either you are, just as you are, or... you're simply not.
• You can't be everyone's favorite person either.  ... Nope.
• Crying has its advantages.
• The disadvantages of crying are far... far outweighed by the advantages. ... so...
• ...Its necessary - ESSENTIAL even, to have a good cry every so often.
• Its good to have good friends at times where you need a good cry.
• Actually, its good to just have good friends.
• .... Best friends change.  Both in seasons of your life... and also individually speaking.
• Best friends don't work the way they did when you were a kid... you need multiple friends for multiple purposes - all equally as important.
• People cannot fill your needs ... especially only one person.
• We're not entitled to friends or spouses.  Those are gifts from God.  The Lord gives, does NOT give and He takes away.
• The good thing is, God loves to give good gifts to His children, especially when they ask Him.
• Sometimes, its best just to keep things between you and God.
• Including your feelings, opinions and words.
• You can never go wrong when you praise the Lord with song.
• Mornings are such a lovely time to have set aside for the Lord.
• Sunrises and Sunsets start off the day and end the day each proclaiming the beauty of the Glory of God.  ... How many days do we miss it and forget to join in with all creation to exalt Him?
• Giving thanks is essential to the Christian life.  Its a health issue if its not apart of the daily stuff.
• God is so good. And deserving.  And worthy.  And Holy.  And Lovely.
• God isn't too concerned with what you can DO for Him.
• Delight in the Lord.
• Be prepared to wait.
• Do NOT speculate.  Its not good for the heart.
• It may be better not to share your dreams with people.  ... unless they ask.
• People actually don't care as much as you think they do.
• People care more than you think they do.
• People don't know it, but they WANT to care more.
• Good friends DO care, even when it hurts to.
• God cares... very, very much.
• Going to the House of Prayer on Tuesdays have been a blessing to me.
• Africa is next year!!!

So... I'm going to stop there because from there on, my thoughts pertained to food.  Haha.

I guess the reason why its so hard to believe that a year has passed is because its been a blur, really.  Most of my time this year has been spent in a season of summer in my soul, and winter in my life.
Winter in so dying to things of the flesh, understanding where my sin patterns and areas of weakness are and have to accept and admit that I am really incapable of fixing it all on my own.
In a sentence?  "I can do NO thing good apart from God."
Its been a hell of a ride.  And by that I mean, "Welcome to a tour of your terrible, yucky, stinking heart.  Enjoy the ride!"

But I chose to go this route.  I asked God for it on purpose because I'm tired of who I've been.

"Who I am hates who I've been, who I am hates who I've been."

Its been awful... and yet absolutely lovely.  I've never known so much grace or tender mercy from the Lord.  I really don't think I knew what grace or mercy really meant until this year, and I'm so glad to say I've only just begun.

God has so blessed me by His gentle care towards my heart and I'm eternally grateful.  Here's a few things that I believe have been accomplished or at least have begun to be, in my life.

1. I no longer have a clue what God is going to do in me or with me - at all.
2. God is the essential.  All other vision either bows to this or is fading away.
3. I'm prepared to wait.  I am being prepared to wait for a long haul.
4. God - is the desire of my heart.  None of the other things matter unless He's involved.
5. I am no longer speculating.  ... About anything.
6. I'm not afraid to die anymore.
7. I'm not afraid to be tortured anymore either.
8. In fact.... There's a crazy joy at the idea of these things if it means I don't renounce my Jesus.
9. Nothing can shake me from the conviction of Christ in me.  Nothing.  Not any more.
10. I'm starting to stop second-guessing myself.
11. I don't take crap from people anymore, and I won't bow out when I need to stand up.

These are all actually HUGE accomplishments for me, seriously.  I'm not afraid to say them to the public either because I believe someone has to be real enough to be honest about the hard things in life.

God has really been opening my eyes to a lot of things - and what I mean by that is - actually, everything.  When I lay down my bias, God gives me His heart.  Its a pretty amazing exchange, really.

So for this upcoming year, I'm feeling like I'm phasing into a new season of winter and summer.

This past year, though it be winter in my life, summer was in my heart and the Lord gave me rest and peace and love.
But I believe winter has begun in my heart now... killing and keeping dead everything I've held close until now.  Its not about me anymore ... not  at all.  My life isn't about me.  Winter is barren ... and so shall it be in my heart full of dreams and things.  But I truly believe that the winter in my heart will drive me outside of myself - into the promise land of Jesus.  Its time to explore the heart of God, leave everything else I've loved behind, and begin again.  I actually have no clue what will happen to my heart this next year, but I know that God has been so faithful and good through all the generations.

Coldplay sings, " don't wanna see another generation drop, I'd rather be a comma than a full stop."

Maybe I've been a comma these past 12 months or so.  But I choose to be fully alive this next year - whether good or bad, I don't care.   I just know this next season has nothing to do with ... me.  hah.  Do I really get to call it my life, either?  I have no life apart from God.  Only death.  Yet, crazily enough, death is an everyday occurence when we choose to live in God.

Well...
I'd say this was a rant ... but I feel like thats not honoring the process God has created for me to follow in so choosing to write things out for others to see. 
So I will merely say that I feel my line of thought is done for now.

Happy new year, friends and family of mine - may the Lord remind you through out 2012 that advent is still the season.
Let us then pray, "Maranatha!" Come Lord, quickly! And prepare our hearts."  Amen.

Just some thoughts -Not well explained

Hm...

If there was ever a season of writing, THIS is that season.  I'm keeping 2 blogs, tweeting, andddd....3 journals right now for various reasons.

I think its because there's a lot that God is doing in my heart right now.  Lots of good - looking at lots of ugly.
I'm dealing with SO many things that are from years ago - anger, unforgiveness, and all these little girl dreams and things that people have spoken over my life that I've forgotten about ... until now.

I'm surprised at all thats coming out this way, but I guess its time to deal with some things.

God's given me a picture of a hope chest filled with many things - all my childhood and everything that entangled with it.  To open this chest and explore the contents, there IS a catch.  With all the good, I must also face all the bad.

So its definitely been a little journey - one that I've been afraid of, but one that can also be easily fixed:  forgiveness.

But here's the other thing I'm afraid to face:  all my little dreams.

If you read far back enough in this blog, you'll meet an optimistic, romantic, naive, unbroken teenager with the unrealistic, ideal world at her finger tips.
Its been a long time since then, and God is reteaching me that not all that I dreamed of in that time was bad.

Sixteen, going on 17.  6 years ago - and can you believe I've been writing in this blog for that long?

Its hard when everyone's getting married and engaged and YOU'RE the one going through a break-up and readjustment of life.
In all reality though, I've over the break-up.
Its the disappointment that its still not my time yet.

And then to add to all that, everything I know I want (regardless of whether I'm in denial or not) is either right out of my reach and right in front of me (simultaneously)  OR - I just haven't thought of it yet.

So pretty much, its the first one.

I'm going to be real right now:

I don't want to be one of those really cool Christian girls who's just - you just LOVE them - and you can't understand why they're not married yet.   Why God hasn't brought someone around for them.
Unfortunately - haha or maybe fortunately, I have become this very thing.  :)

Is my heart disappointed?  Yes.  I really just want a friend who will know me, enjoy me, dream with me and want me for me.

But will I be okay?

Yeaaah..... I will be.  I always am, anyway.  I'm really not sure what the real lesson is for me right now and I think thats what perplexes me the most at this point today.

I refuse -REFUSE - to take a mindset that question's God's goodness when things aren't going the way I'd like.
Instead, I'm going to be a faithful friend to my lovely sisters who ARE getting married, I'm going to be me, and I'm going to focus on loving people and letting go of the pen to my life.

I DO anticipate what God could do in my life in the next 2 years or so.  I'm actually going to Kansas City for the first time in a few weeks - a road trip with some girlfriends.
I'm pursuing purity on a whole new level - and I'm taking action in guarding my heart better - and guarding the hearts of the one's I love better - both male and female.
And I'm going to try white-water rafting - Something I've always secretly wanted to try.
And I'm applying to go on a mission trip to Africa next June - because I've always wanted to go to Africa since I was 10.
I'm starting to make choices that keep me moving and active and I'm trying to eat better just in general.
And - I'm trying to find opportunities to talk to people about God in the work place.  THATS my deal right now.

The JOY of the Lord is my strength.

I really really really want to bless God and those around me.

I could certainly use yours prayers.
And hey! don't hesitate to write me if you have a thought or a word for me.
I'm always up for that. :)

blessings,

Sarah

Start at the End

I just took a thought stanza from my journal and created a poem from it today.

I put a lot of deliberation into this little bit of my heart. :) As a (sort of acrostic) syllabic verse, this follows a alternating 7-6-6-7/6-6-6-7 format. Enjoy!


Please Don't Go Away - Start At The End
by Sarah Faith

Dancing down rolling hills
with a leap and a whirl
that flies out of control
my dear safe place spins Away.

Face to face with whats real
Not as spiritual
as I thought I had been.
Where did all my green grass Go?

Color isn't gone away
I find that its just bare.
No longer can I hide;
As of now I think I Don't.

Before Your eyes I end
My desperate little heart -
Reality of need.
Begin again, if You Please.

Some Words that Touched my Soul

Audrey Assad - my friend introduced me to her and I'm never turning back. This woman has a beautiful heart and a lovely gift to share it.

This song is my life right now and I couldn't help but share it today.

Audrey Assad - Show Me
You could plant me like a tree beside a river, You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild.  And I would blossom like a flower in the desert, But for now just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in a battlePut victory like a fire behind my shining eyes. And I would drift like falling snow over the embers,  But for now just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones.  Mercy bend and breathe me back to life.  But not before You show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning.  Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep              And I'll illuminate the path You've laid before me.    But for now just let me be

Bind up these broken bones.  Mercy bend and breathe me back to life.But not before You show me how to die  Oh, not before You show me how to die

So let me go like a leaf upon the water.  Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea. And I will disappear into a deeper beauty.  But for now just stay with me. God, for now just stay with me

Big Heart, Little Dreamer

"Me dreaming big right now is like a childs cardboard book hoping to be an epic novel one day. It could happen, right?"




I honestly feel the way Pooh looks like he's feeling in the sketch - unsure... but still willing to move forward since thats the only thing left to do.


I know this may sound ridiculous, but I feel boring.  And I may not actually BE boring so much as I find my life is boring.  I'm almost afraid to say that because it sounds like I'm not seeking God enough and thats my problem... but its not!  I'm walking with God and I'm reading my Bible every day... but I can't dream big at ALL.  I KNOW I'm meant for something big, and its an exciting feeling, but at this moment, I don't see anything fantastic about my life right now. 


 It LOOKS like I have no life.  (Because I really don't, truthfully.) 


 It SEEMS that nothing big is actually going to happen to me (but things aren't always as they seem, usually. Who KNOWS what God is doing in all of this.)


 And it FEELS like I'm not going ANYwhere (yet a month ago if you had told me that in a months time I wouldn't be with my boyfriend, I would cut my hair 6 1/2 inches shorter, I would put in my two weeks notice at FirstMerit and that I'd be working at a dentist office wearing scrubs and working with mentally handicapped people on the side AND that I'd lead worship for the first time for my church on a Sunday morning, I would have guffawed in your face.)


I sound absolutely absurd right now.  Who am I kidding?  My life is insane and it just took a drastic turn.  Yet my problem is - I'm very discontent with myself.
I don't see any big dreams in my heart.  In fact, I'm concerned because I don't even seem to be able to conjure up any big dreams at ALL.
Whats with me?
And my question for God at this point is, "What do you want from me?"
I'm faithful, I'm trying desperately to live righteously before Him.  I'm doing all I can do to pull myself together.  I'm reading my Bible every day, I'm talking to Him in my car.  Yet I'm unsatisfied.  


I think God just wants ME.
I've been busying myself with doing all thats required of me, but He doesn't require the "doing", He requests the "BEing".  


So here I am.


Finger to my chin, head cocked slightly, staring in the direction that I inevitably must go. 


"Think, think, think, think.  Oooh bother."


Its just where I am right now.

Joseph and the starting of the book of Sarah's Proverbs.

Joseph
He got so screwed over - over and over again!  ...Yet...He ended up being a man who blessed a whole nation - his family AND His God.  Faithful, faithful guy.

Sigh.  Maybe I won't have my family bowing down to me... but thats okay.  I don't want that anyway.

I just want to know that what I've sown in love will not be wasted, thats all.

Once again, I know I'm writing a lot, but its awesome to just be free to write again... even if its not extravagant.

And ps:  I do have a new proverb - as Christian as I am - and as much as I love Jesus, I can say this very honestly:

Sarah's Proverbs 1:1 - Listen up, ladies (daughters) and don't ever forget this:  Just because you are a beautiful Christian girl and you love Jesus, doesn't mean you won't get screwed over in life by an a-hole at some point.  But it DOES mean God will grow you lots, if you let Him.  2. Thats why you need to guard your hearts, for it IS the wellspring of life... and you COULD die of heartbreak otherwise.  

I think someone should write a book about their "love-life" journey for the girls who love Jesus, don't really like the concept of dating around but don't live in a world where you're sheltered from all the "wrong Ones" out there.  Its just the truth.  Its hard to filter out who's real and who's not.  I'm not talking about a "how-to" book.  I'm just talking about a book where a real life girl gets hurt in REAL LIFE and still feels like she did what she felt God wanted her to do.
I of all people always wanted to marry the only person I courted, wanted to share my first EVERYthing with just him and have such an awesome, ideal, wonderful love story.  I'm so careful about who I feel might be worth my time if He's interested in me.  But... you can do all the right things... and still get the wrong end of the deal.  Wheres the book out there that encourages women like me?  I love Passion and Purity - but hey... honestly, I'm not praying that I have to wait 7 years to find out if God actually wants me and the man I love to be together or not!!!  Though... Elisabeth's point is both beautiful and very valid.

So... Joseph.   Got screwed over.  Many times.    But God used him BIG.
Maybe I have a small bit of hope yet.

But, He was not in the Wind...He was in my Car.

I'm surprised at how much I'm writing recently... but after quite the lull in my creative streak, I'm back;  probably because I finally have something useful to say.

I think... that I'm at a place where when heartbreaking things happen to me, I can't fight God anymore about it.

I'm at a point where I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of asking questions that I'm not sure I'm supposed to know the answer to.

I must say though:  I am proud that I did what I was supposed to.  I'm proud that I did the right thing - and didn't  hide who I was or shrink back in what I believe in all of this.
If  I'm not supposed to go a certain route in this journey with God, then there's nothing that can keep me going that way, if I'm truly following Him. For that, I am grateful.  He is so sovereign.
I know I'm going to be okay.  In a way, I'm relieved because I finally feel like I have a grasp on whats going on in my life now - love life, really.
God is going on in my love life.

I'd like EXTRA Tomatoes and EXTRA Cucumbers, Please.

"Looking up through her lashes she settled her gaze upon a horizon promising hills and mountains and valleys silhouetted by a creatively splashed, evening sky.  Opening wide her arms she cried, "Ah!  My friends!" and continued forward, skipping securely on the heights." 

What does the Lord have for me?

Man, I've been asking this question for years, and the answer usually comes with the seasons.  AND ... its always changing.  It seems like God has a LOT for me.

Its been a very difficult season, certainly.  Its funny to me because people who see, hug me in a massive, enveloping embrace and look at me with shining eyes and whisper, "God is doing a deep work in your life, girl.  Oh He is...." and then, with a burst of delightful, joyous chuckling, I'm hugged again.

Its wonderful!  Except for one thing:  I don't feel it or see it at all.  Its nice that everyone ELSE can, but as for me?  My life is just one big compression of pressure and stress.
A few months ago I was fighting the Lord about why I was feeling this way, but TODAY... I'm like very flexible clay.  I just... whatever.
Whatever He wants - whats the point in fighting back?  Its better just to give in, and embrace the change.

Embrace the journey.

...Calculated Chaos in the Midst of ... Peace?

My life has taken a few undetected turns since I last wrote...
But strangely enough, I'm not too alarmed.  There's so much going on with my family ... dare I share that I believe God may be restoring us?

My brother and my sister (my sister being gone and not around for a year and a half, my brother being gone for about 5ish/6ish months) are finding themselves back at home more and more often, and our family is receiving them with loving arms.  Last Friday, along a brave young man's request to pursue me, my family... my Family was all together for the first time in a year and a half.  My grandparents included... EVERYONE around the table.  ... Something happened in my heart that night.  It felt like home for the first time in a LONG time.

Open hands

Trust And Obey

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.
Refrain

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Refrain

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

Refrain

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

I happened upon this lovely old hymn in looking for lyrics to another. The title caught my attention (as it should,) and I couldn't help but explore the stanzas of the well-written truths. Here it was: the song I was REALLY looking for.

All morning long, the only phrase I kept thinking was, "open handed, open handed, open handed."

Is there not a point where we get "caught" in our lives? We get caught in good or bad actions. We get caught by people, caught in circumstances, caught in the middle, caught in between, caught off guard, caught in a lie, caught in a tangle of a mess....
And it was time for me to be caught.

Going Up In Rank

In the last month or so, the Lord has been doing some deep, deep things and I'm not even sure how to explain it.

He's building a contentedness to wait on Him. He's building steadfastness amidst emotions and stress. He's building His character in me. And I'm beginning to notice that my hope is no longer in things that will disappoint me, but it is in Him.

This weekend, some things hit me and I know I THOUGHT I should have been more effected by them but... What a freedom that God is what I put my hope in, and I trust Him in all His sovereignty! Its so awesome to realize that I'm not the way even I expected I would be because God has been working underneath the scenes in my life.

I have no clue how to explain it, but the hours of sitting before the Lord in prayer or just... BEING with Him, are transforming my entire person. I have never known the kind of growth I'm experiencing right now. I want silence and not distraction. I can't help worshiping Him the more I know of Him. I can't help desiring to serve. It is out of the overflow of my love with the Lord that I desire to do everything I am called to in ministering the His people and the people that aren't His yet.

There have been some truly defining moments that I would like to write out here.

The fact that I've been so financially stressed has been what I would call a "kick-start" into what God has in mind to work in me.

I guess I tend to depend on myself to be ahead of the game when it comes to my finances. So when things happen that are out of my control, I immediately have to go into a mode I need to be more practiced in: trusting God's sovereign way of provision.

It was a movement forward motivated by situations that would most simply just bring me to the end of my own abilities and strengths. Patience. I'm finding the end of my own portion. hehe.

Last Sunday (not yesterday) I had a time in the prayer room where the Lord reaaaaaalllllly did some surgery on my heart.

As my friend put it yesterday, "God knew that it would be too painful for me to reach His hand so deep and remove such a deep rooted lie in my heart. So He put me to sleep." And that's the truth. I sat for 2 hours pouring out my heart to God.... and then, when no words could say anything more, the Lord put me to sleep, where I was still partially aware of the music, but resting. I woke up with a jolt, and I knew I was better.

Then, this last week, God ranked me quite a bit in His army. Wednesday, I had people praying for me while we fasted, and God did a major "enlightening the eyes of my heart" moment. It has to do with Jeremiah 1:9-10.

Then the LORD stretched out His hand and touched my mouth, and the LORD said to me, "Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have appointed you this day over the nations and over the kingdoms, To pluck up and to break down, To destroy and to overthrow, To build and to plant."

I was reading a book called "Shaping History through fasting and prayer" and it put something in such a way that a little "DING" happened.

When God speaks, things happen. His Word IS happened. But many a time, the Lord, instead of just speaking, He desires His people to come into partnership with Him. So - He puts His words in their mouths and when THEY speak, things happen. But I'm just overcome by the crazy thing that has to do with Christ having all things under His feet by the power that raised Him from the dead and also by His mercy and loving kindness, WE are seated with Christ in glory and therefore, all His authority has been given to us, as we have taken His name. When we bless, it is blessed in heaven and on earth. When we curse, it is cursed in heaven and on earth. MAN. Our words are powerful. And when we tap into the heart of God to JOIN Him and SPEAK His intercessions?! WE MOVE THINGS. And so, THIS verse for Jeremiah the prophet was commissioned to me.

I'm not just a soldier in God's army. I've been ranked in a certain field that is my very specialty - and its speaking the Word that has been put in my mouth to move mountains in the heavenly realms. Overspiritualized? No. Its Supernaturally natural. This IS the normal life of a true believer.... and? I LOVE it.

God is just doing such a good work in my heart. Its just Him and me. There's no one else in the equation. No thing else to worry about.

Its just Him and me, and He is romancing my heart with His love for me. I'm learning how to be free in loving Him back. Its... been the best Valentine's day ALL MONTH. And isn't that how God is? Why wait for Valentine's day when you can have it EVERY day? And? Everyday is not the same. Its always a new adventure. I'm so glad. I'm just... sooo glad. :)

Two songs that really impacted me.

First one is "Here in the Waiting Room" by Misty Edwards. Its the song that played that very defining Sunday a week or so ago.

Here in the Waiting Room
Here in the waiting room
Of unanswered prayer

I feel like sometimes I will explode here
But I can't leave this place of waiting
I can't leave this place of expecting
You've pinned me down
You hedged me in

God I confess that I feel trapped
There is no way out
But God You know that I would never run to You
Until I had to

God I'm so frustrated, a little bit confused and so angry
For I know that You can answer but You don't answer me

Prayer it sounds so romantic
Prayer, it feels miserable
God I hate it, God I admit it

I know You are good, I know You are
But God it seems like You are playing games with me
God, why?
Why all the waiting a thousands times
Now I'm stuck waiting
God, I trust You
But God, I don't get You

Here in the waiting room
of unanswered prayer
Time seems to haunt me
as the hours turn to days
and days turn to weeks
and week to months
and months to years

Here in the waiting room
of unanswered prayer
But God, You know me
I would never sit still
Until I had to

Your ways are so wonderful
But God I'm so miserable

Cause You make all things beautiful just in time
It's just a matter of time, time, time
So into Your hands I throw it -everything-

Here in the waiting room
I'm here in the waiting room
Of unanswered prayer
I will wait on the Lord
Cause I have no option



And Empty Me sung by Jeremy Camp

Empty Me

Holy Fire, come burn away
my desire for anything
that is not of You
and is of me
I want more of You
and less of Me

Empty me, empty me
Fill, wont You fill me
with You with You

Sigh.

I do some risky praying...

"whatever it takes, Lord."
"Empty Me."
"Change me."
"Keep me humble, before You."
"Come quickly, Lord. I don't wanna be here anymore."


yes. This is my life. My novice life of prayer. :)

He Makes All Things New

Hm.



2010.


it feels weird to write that, hehe.




God.... has absolutely blown me away this past year.

The year of 2009.


And - I have great expectation that He's not through with me yet.

In a nutshell, I will try to compose my rendition of what I have learned in 2009:


1. Redemption - takes every picture of my life where I feel condemned or ashamed - He reaches down with His mighty hand, touches the "me" I see and changes me into the person He sees from beginning to end - and makes me radiant in His purity and righteousness.

2. Vision - God has given me vision for what my life is supposed to look like! I don't have to answer with, "well, I know I'm called to full time ministry but I don't know how its going to look," anymore when people ask. I can respond with, "I'm a prayer missionary. I minister first to the Lord, and then to His people."
And it can look like so many different things... but I think thats where the adventure comes in.

3. Garden - my heart. Not a little country garden gated in by a lil picket fence on the side of a dirt road with a bunch of other gardens waiting to be explored, with much more beauty and exotic flowers to allure - no. I am a locked garden - surrounded by massive iron gates, with a Man that jealously guards my heart and my mind with His peace.

4. Treasure - whoa. I'm still wrapping my mind around this one. I'm thinking II Corinthians 4, and Matthew 13 and Proverbs 31. Treasure in jars of clay, treasure hidden in a field, pearl of great price, and an excellent wife who's worth is far above rubies or jewels.

5. Love - without expectation. Without expectation of reciprocation AND ... HERES the recent kicker: without expectation of NO reciprocation. THIS idea has been growing me up quite a bit, in my walk with the Lord.


ps: number 5? Super risky. Big big big big trust thing with the Lord.


6. Stirring - up old dreams, old desires, new dreams, new desires and.... having to come to a place of acknowledging them and being honest with the fact that they ARE in fact - MY dreams and desires. Not sure what God has in store for this developing thing, but I'm thinking He will be faithful and continue His good work on through this next year. :) I'll let you know how it works out.

7. Songs - Love Songs, New Songs, Old Songs, Hymns and Spiritual Songs.
"I save my sweetest love songs for Jesus."
Its just... true. Singing songs that have never left my lips until the moment they do, singing old songs that touch my heart in a way I can't explain - they were sung to me as lullabies. Singing hymns that are written in such a way and sung with such conviction that my heart nearly explodes with appreciation for the legacy I get to embrace and run with the baton for my part of the race. And - Songs that sound like angels.



I guess an overall word? Restoration.


I don't know. But I'm glad I don't. Its time to see whats next with the Lord. He always keeps me on my toes.

I like that.




:)


Did I mention?





I'm in love.

Love with no Expectations

Love with no expectations of it being reciprocated.

This idea has been presented to me over this last year and as painful as I know it must be, I remember telling God I wanted that kind of Love.
Interesting, He always seems to answer those kinds of prayers.

I think its loving people with no condition. There is actually no option to NOT love them. We are called to love one another - it is exactly what sets us apart. It is part of the great commandment Jesus gives us to love God and then to love each other, as WELL as later saying that we will be known as disciples because of our love for one another.

But what does that look like?

Do we really know our true tendency towards the opposite of love?

Do we really get how selfish and self centered we really are?

Submission.

What does THAT look like?

What does Love look like?

huh.


How about speaking the truth in love?

Or having love that is genuine and sincere?

Or what about actually SAYING "I love you" to people we really do?
Or saying "I love you" to people we really don't?


I would venture to say we should be offending ourselves with the flippancy we throw around the very nature of God.

hah! Romans 12 says, "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."

What DOES that look like, really?




hm. I don't know. All I know is that the Lord is calling me to love - WITHOUT expectation. Honoring my brothers and my sisters in the Lord. Being full of integrity towards them and guarding their hearts before Christ.

Sigh.


It really sucks though, when people don't get how important that stuff is... because then Love isn't as sacred or beautiful to them as it is to me, then is it?

Hah!

I think we just need to get to know God more.

That would solve everything, really. :)

Yes it would.

BINGO

And as I was this Day

By Sarah Faithy, Early to mid 2005

Here I stand in happy gaze, the days are far not few
The sun is in my best, and the leaves, they're for me too.
The clouds, they swell with joyous pride, embracing light-heart phase
and as I was this day, my soul strains to seek Your face.

A day and two I sat therein, as it weeped outside
convinced was I, the clouds exposed what hid behind my eyes.
wretched was the world I saw, through my welled up tears
mangled in my disposition, I thus gave you my cares.

Hitherto I fight myself - that is, besides my foe.
for verbal deeds will nay get done, lest action be bestowed.
My will - the flesh. Stubborn, must die, submitting to it's place
though battered for severe mistakes, my soul was given grace.

Emerged - I did. the Sun was gray, as I beckoned forth.
My frame - cloaked in humility - my heart the brightest source.
For therein dwelt my love, my God, to which all else grows dim.
And though victory be mine that day, my soul, it dwells in Him.

I wonder if I'm the only one who seems to prophecy stuff over my life as I grow. Its like I'll say something but Jesus knew it would mean something so much greater as time went on.

I wrote this poem in 2005 as well.... but I had noooo clue that it would actually mean that I'd truly go through each phase. I had believed I had before! But there's something new about looking back on the things God was showing me a few years ago. Its that He knew what He would have me walk through.

I have to say, this poem is what my heart sings right now. Things seem so great when you're on a mountain top, but as you stand there, everything seems below you, you know? And if, like me, you've never experienced the kind the valley that it takes to keep you humble when you get to the next mountain top, you'll probably, like I do so often times, forget that you really NEED Him.

There are struggles we all inevitably must deal with - me? At this point in the game of life, my struggles are in my head. What lies will I believe? What truths will I speak over myself? Will I remember that the way I feel does not define what is true and will not shake the Rock I stand upon?

WILL I let my feelings shake me?

Hah. No.

I've found myself feeling some of the same anxieties I felt ermmm... probably the beginning of 2006. I remember feeling like my time would never come and I remember feeling like I was losing grip of something. I felt like all hope was lost - and well hey! A friendship was put on hold. One I cared deeply about.

But I'm different now. And I remind myself of that. And you know? The enemy is REALLY GOOD about bringing the past into the "Now" experiences. He's really good at bringing you BACK to something you've walked faaar far away from.

And the knowledge of this WILL be the end of this attack.

I am NOT who I was. I'm different now.

AND the situations are NOT the same now, as they were then.

And!!! HERE is the greatest thing of all!

I am NOT my emotions and my emotions usually DON'T tell the truth. They REFLECT what IS true - and what IS true is that I'm being reminded of the things that no longer ARE in my life and THAT must stop.

That right there is an amazing revelation if someone can wrap themselves around it... because I never would have even thought to think that way a year and a half ago.
I've come so far.

My emotions? They change. Over and over and over again. But they're not bad! They're a gift! But a wise woman will know that they are just to allow us to relate to Jesus more; NOT to lead us. Its the icing on the cake to feel something, good or bad.

So struggles - "Hitherto I fight myself - that is, besides my foe."
haha. Its so true.

But aaaah! How sweet victory is when you know that the One who has your back never forsook you? Instead, He cried with you, He laughed with you, He carried you, He shared with you in your sufferings..... and actually.... It was YOU who shared with Him in HIS sufferings because He's gone through it all before.


Isn't that just - amazing?!

He loves us!!!!! THE END.

Nothing can change it. It just is the way it is!

And you know? All my life all I focussed on was doing it right. Being right. Impress, impress, impress. I wanted to impress Him. I wanted to prove I was real. Wow. I actually... My entire life was spent proving things to people. I COULD climb a tree, even if I was a girl. I COULD beat the boys at their own game, even if I WAS a girl. I WONT EVER marry a potty (like the boys in kindergarten Sunday school used to tell me all the time) and FURTHERMORE, marrying a potty isn't even POSSIBLE, duh!?!. I AM an a plus student, I'm just bored with the freaking homework. I AM worth your time, if you would just give it to me. I AM talented I AM... I am I am I am by actions actions actions.


But Jesus.


JESUS is I AM.

And so now, I don't need to prove anything.
He delights in me just as I am.

No more proving anything. No more trying to be something I feel I need to be.
Now? Now He is showing me that His love for me is proof enough of who I really am. I am His.

Now all I need to do is be who He made me to be and to stay in His Love.
He loves me! He loves us. He's given us sooo much and He wants us to do something with it! But the world makes us prove that we have what it takes to be something great.

God isn't like that. WE have His love and His blessing, so we don't NEED to prove anything. Those two things are proof enough. So all we have to do is live in it and love in it and BE in it.

And you know?

We'll begin to glow.


Why?


Cause we'll be in love.

And isn't that really, the pursuit of every person on this earth?


BINGO.

Connect the dots, baby.

Thats why we're here.







AAAAAAHHHHH.



I thought I had emerged before, but this is different.

I think I might finally be catching something wild.
And you know?

So what if the sky is gray?

So what if everyhing around me is never going to be the same one day to the next?

I am His.

He is Mine.

He is Sovereign.

He holds all things together.

And I'll be okay.

And I'll be more then okay.

I'll be me.

And as I become me more and more, I'll be more like Him. And that'll be my witness.
But even then, I probably won't care. Because I'll be in love.
well.. I amm...


sheesh. I need to just stop. Or I'll go on forever.
Somedayyyy..... I will.


:)

Emerge Stage Right: The Shulamite

There are quite a bit of things that God has been revealing, lately. First, that its never about me and the purpose I feel I need to accomplish and fulfill. Its about Jesus and HIS purpose that I am even privileged to be apart of aiding to put into action.
Second, Jesus calls those He loves into the wilderness. Out of the comfy-cozy and into the outsiders zone. He invites us to die. And we ignore His invitations in our happy church settings. Jesus was an outsider. He loved those who hated Him. He loves those who hate Him. He loved those who hated His disciples. He loves those who hate His disciples.
His disciples are those who accept His invitation to die... again.

Heh. Jesus has been drawing me out into the extreme. He's been calling me to just be myself and stand and DO. But its not about me fulfilling my idea of His calling on my life!

Starting bound4life in medina was not exactly my idea of His calling on my life. BUT. Life is what He is. Life is what I have. Life is what I'll fight for.
But let me quote Ever After here, "But, life without Love... well, its no life at all." 1 Corinthians even says this in the 13th chapter. Love activates the Spiritual Gifts. Why? Because God is Love.

"Set me as a Seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm".

Love.

"Come back to me Oh backsliding children' declares the Lord, 'For I am married to you..." Jeremiah 3:14


You know, amidst the afflictions and the hurts, I believe that Jesus saved my family and I.

I believe that it hurts to pull away from something that has been apart of you for so long or so intimately.

But something I believe God did, at least in my own life, is that He pulled me away from the very thing that was hurting the way I looked at Jesus the most.

Mary, sister of Martha, was a chosen daughter, in love with Jesus. Rahab was a chosen daughter, humbly declaring her belief in God through actions.

Rebekah was chosen to be Isaac's wife through her servant-like heart.

I... I had been taught to be a Martha.

The moment giftings began to show, I was made to work in my brothers vineyards. I was thrown in right as I was spiritually old enough and that is all I ever knew. Yet my own garden I struggled to keep.

I am dark but lovely.

A rose of Sharon. A lily of the valleys. I could have withered away from too much sun and no watering of my own roots.


Jesus is showing me something rather valuable in my life. It is this:

He just wants to be with ME.


So my sister told me it couldn't hurt to look again, you know, being as I'm done with my "year" and all.

But it will hurt to look. I won't need to look if God makes His will obvious and in my face. Every time I look, I get burned.

"His left hand is under my head, his right arm embraces me. I charge you Oh daughters of Jerusalem, do not awaken or stir up love until it so pleases."


Jesus is my Beloved. There is none beside Him. Who else is there?

So something a friend of mine said has been sitting with me very solemnly.
"I count it a privilege to serve Jesus in this way" (this way meaning some grounds work.)

You know... it was a general update to many many people who have been waiting for from Him. But Jesus spoke to me through it. Jesus showed me the servant heart I need to pursue to be who He's waiting for. I know I've been trying, but truly, my heart struggles in getting down and dirty when I don't want to. And THAT is exactly where Jesus sees me most. When I don't want to and I'm flat out honest about it. But I DO want to want to! And so here goes the struggle of a woman's heart after God: Lord, I AM privileged to serve You in this way. This is my witness: they will know me by my Love.


"Little things done with great Love can change the world."


That is on a Vineyard church wall somewhere.

Little things.

One person at a time.

MULTITUDES.


Jesus TOUCHED multitudes, one person at a time. And this is the kicker: He was touchable. So He touched. He loved one person at a time. I am called to do this very thing. To love one person at a time.

And yet, before all of this, I am called to Love Jesus first.

This maze is not a test... its a journey. I just need to walk with Jesus through it; right by His side.


Jesus wants to spend time with me.

He LOVES me. I am His Shulamite. His harlot bride. The one who has lain with many men. I've given my heart away to the world over and over again, pursuing fleshly desires. AND I CONTINUE to DO so!!! YET! Yet; He pursues me. Draws me into the wilderness to speak words of comfort to me. And I will forget who I've become. I will remember that despite my prostitution He chose me - ME! To be His bride.

And I will sing as in the days of my youth. Before I gave myself away to the church and her ministries. Before I prioritized leading over following Jesus. BEFORE I was put on stage and BEFORE people saw my potential. Before, way back to when I was 12 and Jesus called me forward and said to me that if I really wanted to follow Him, I would need to lay down my little 12 year old pride. The kind of pride that stopped me from raising my hands. The kind of pride that chained me down from my dance. The kind of pride that rears its head, manifested in my so-called wisdom from years.

Right back to my 11 year old self... seeing Jesus as my own for the very first time. It is like THEN, that I will sing. Only much much more free.



It is in this wilderness that I cry with the most painful of tears and claim the most unspeakable joy. It is in this wilderness, Oh friends, That my love has been awakened, under an apple tree of mercy. In the arms of Grace.

Who else is there?


"My beauty is enough for you, Sarah."


And its true.


I once was a harlot. But now I am His Lover. I am His Bride. And I have been made white as snow, purified in fire - lips touched with coal.

In Christ, behold, the old has gone and the New is Come.

Chosen among virgins, I will fast and pray. And then I will put on my finest apparel - opening my garden wide - and come boldly before the throne.

There, I receive a scepter of grace.



I'm in Love.




You'll see me in pink again.

I stand humbled, but I stand none the less.

... so, God has really dealt with me since my last posting. Ultimately, if I want to call the "90%" out for what they're not doing, God thought I should probably know about those who ARE doing something of good cause. Not only did He show me some good BIG causes, but he also revealed the smaller ministries that are loving on people every day. Like the oaks family care center? Yeah, those people are loving on teen moms, homeless people and teens who just need a loving guide.

I am so totally humbled right now.

I suppose I get so passionate about things that I forget that there ARE people doing stuff!! there really are, and that if I'm going to bash things, I need to get going by supporting those who ARE doing good things... who are making a difference, both the small ministries and the big ones.


So I sit here in the intern office for the last time as an intern, today.
I feel.... like crying. So much has happened here... so much of my growth. The thing is though... no one really cares about how much I've grown here except me. Thats okay though. What scares the living daylights out of me is whats going to happen next.

For the last month I've been scared of what my life might hold after the internship, but its just been the last week that God has given me new hope: He WILL use me where He wants to, and guess what? I HAVE THE TIME TO BE USED now.

I feel like as I walk out of here, I'm walking away from a form of spiritual boot camp that I'll never want to go through again. Whether it means that it was my last stretch of true training before God throws me out there, I don't know. The last thing I ever want to believe though is that I've somehow arrived.

I know more then anything though that I haven't.

Hm.

I want to write songs again. I want to write poetry again. I want to be inspired. I AM being inspired every day! The problem? Its not coming out OUT!! It just keeps going in and my spirit, my heart, my soul keeps turning it over and over and over again, but nothing is coming from it yet. I hope more then anything that something absolutely lovely comes from this since, once again, I wait for something awesome to happen. Maybe though the thought of the day is: Am I supposed to MAKE it happen? Is the miracle not that its a new day but that I have another day to be better then yesterday?

Good question.


One thing I've been thinking about lately though is: I guess we'll figure it out. Today, I spend it with Christ. As long as thats the case, I'll be okay with whatever comes my way. Just don't take Him away.

I've never known Christ the way I do right now. I'm so blown away by the love I have for Him. I never knew I could love someone like this. My only real problem is trying to figure out how to love people the way He loves me. It takes SO MUCH EFFORT to love people the way Jesus does. Its so hard! Well... its not if they're lovable. I think the less you know about someone the easier it is to convince yourself that you love them like Christ. But the real challenge is when you know them deeper or better then before. The deal is that Jesus knows the parts of us that WE don't even know exist yet... and He loves us despite that. I can't even compose myself quick enough when someone is imperfect in front of me for the very first time!

I'm such a worm. but I'll quote Winston Churchill here, "We are ALL worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm."

I am a glowworm if I must be a worm.

But even God made the worms, and he provides for them. How much more does God love us then, being as we are human beings?

I cannot even fathom it. I cannot even fathom what is the width, the depth, the heighth, the VASTNESS of His love for us. I guess it'll be a life-long learning experience to love people the way Jesus loves us. I hope to love on HIM a little more like He loves by the end of my little life.


I love Him.


Nothing can compare to what I have with Him after this crazy 10 months of wishing I never had to come back to the church; of crying myself to sleep at night; of struggling with God to forgive again, for today.

I walk away from this place more a woman then I've ever been before, and more a child then I will ever be in later years. I hope to grow younger as I embrace the joy set before me to endure any trial...

I just wonder that I'm not walking away with more than I think I am. I bet God has instilled in me more then I realize right now.

But one thing I did get out of this: I questioned whether I was truly called to full-time ministry or not.
I truly questioned it and I've concluded after much pain, many tears, several hard-knocks and a few trying doubts that, YES. God has called me more then ever before. I could not be satisfied any other way but then to give my life to further the Kingdom of God through any sort of ministry God calls me to.

I don't know. I hope my writings can go into a time of simply desperate pursuit of God and true poetry of the soul.

sigh.


until next time...