Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts

This Whole Waiting "Story" Thing




I'm not complaining. Nope. 

Because God is sovereign and has ideas and plans beyond what we can see. 
 But sometimes it's hard to watch others get picked first. 
 Sometimes it's hard to watch others be given things without a fight. 
 Sometimes it's hard to watch brothers and sisters be given the desires of their heart right when they ask for it or when they realize it.

  But you know what? 

A Heart of Rest


Rest.

  Have you ever met anyone who was entirely chill with themselves?
You know, the kind of person who you instantly trust.  They don't have any fire walls or reservations.  You know without a lick of doubt that who they are in front of you is who they are.  There is nothing to prove.  There's no need to prove it if there was.  They may not even know themselves fully (then again, can you ever, really?) but they're okay with that because to the extent that they do know themselves, they are at rest with it.
  This idea of being "at rest" becomes more distinct if we add a new factor to the mix; Sex.

Sex: the differences between whether that person is male or female.
Suddenly, it becomes a little more personal.  A man who is at rest within himself reflects the glory of true masculinity.  Likewise, a woman at rest with herself mirrors the truest forms of femininity.  And, clearly a person at peace with who they are is considered beautiful, even within society's standards.  Not for any outward reason, of course.  But for the very fact that who they are draws forth who we dream -  even long to be.  You don't just want to be a man, you want to be a picture of masculinity with purpose and vision attached to it.  You want to be someone worth following.  I as a woman don't just want to be girly, (or NOT girly, for some) I long to be accepted within all the attributes of my feminine being.  Neither sex desires to be shamed for what they desire to be.

hearts are pounding.

She's on to something.

  Now add God into this bag of stirring thoughts.
No, no.  Not the God you think I'm talking about.  Get your version or your perceived idea of who God is out of your head.  He's bigger than your mind.  He's bigger than mine.  We think we've got HIM down?
He's got all men, all women, all children - every heart, every hair, every thought - from the beginning of time until its end - memorized and He calls each person by name.  People are always telling God who He is. Those who say they're His, those who say they're not.  All of the people in between.  But only He would know.  And how could we ever?  We're like a breath and we're like a vapor.  We're here and then gone just as quick as we inhale and exhale.
  Yet...
not only does this God take the constant scrutiny and speculation of people who lack experience of truly knowing Him fully, (and that counts for those of us who're working on a lifetime of knowledge) and not only can our accusations of His character not effect who He knows and shows Himself to be, (Um hey.  One of His names is the Prince of Peace.  Eh?)  He also takes care in fashioning us in a way that makes us long for something beyond ourselves.

Nothing material.

Just simple.

Rest.  Peace.  Trust.  Child-like and worry-freedness.
"Those were the days," some of us reminisce.
"Oh, to be young again," some of us even say.

Its a familiar ache inside our worn and battered hearts that never quite goes away.

  I've been pondering this thought for over a month now.
I'm 23.  I'm young enough that I've "still got time", but old enough to know that my time is quickly flying by, (or is that me?)  If I'm wise enough, I would also know that time is too heavy of a responsibility and it isn't mine to hold; AND that I shouldn't waste it, especially if it isn't mine.
If I know the word of God, I know THE time is drawing near and IS here and that one hesitation of living in it fully (disobedience, ultimately) could reroute me into taking the longer way OR could result in me living a life lesser than God's best for me.
What is God's best for me?
Knowing mercy.
Walking in grace.
Knowing true Love and real kindness.
Living an abundant life.
Knowledge of my identity in Him.
Rest.
Peace.
Walking by faith.
Partnering with Him in His glorious plan to restore whole beauty to the earth, starting with these stubborn creations of His called humans.
Yet He calls them to be a people after His own heart.

I call humanity stubborn because they know the stories yet they refuse the truth.  They refuse the truth because its too good to be true.  Things that are too good to be true are rendered as fairy tales.
Yes.
Fairy tales.
And fairy tales? 
Those are for children.

 But isn't it the children we are jealous of, what with their free-spirits and child-like faith that everything will turn out okay?

Notice I didn't use  the word "envy".  For envy is something that isn't ours that we wish we had.
"Jealousy" on the other hand is something that SHOULD be ours, and isn't at the moment.


Thus says the LORD: "Stand by the roads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls. But they said, 'We will not walk in it.' -Jeremiah 6:16

Stubborn, that is what we are.  I imagine humanity as a 13 year old teenager who, no matter what the parent says, will indeed choose the opposing side - even if what the parent is saying is entirely right and beneficial and could EVEN possibly appeal to the youngster.
Its the nature of the beast.  We want what we want.  And we naturally don't want God.
Naturally.  Supernaturally on the other hand means its a miracle - and that's where salvation comes into play.


  At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will.   All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.   Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  - Matthew 11:25-30 (emphasis added)

So we know that we can only know the Father IF Jesus decides to reveal Him.  How does this tie into rest?  What IS that?  Well. Jesus says to learn from Him because He is gentle and lowly in heart.
 FYI, there is no one so low that Jesus cannot serve.  And, He's gentle with OUR hearts, because He's lowly in His. Jesus ALSO said in John 14:9 that whoever has seen Jesus has seen the Father. Oh.  So that means that God the Father is  gentle and lowly in heart too.

 For me, rest for my soul means - knowing who I am, being at peace with it and being free to just... be me.  -Free from the weight of time, free from worrying about what I will wear, what I will eat, what I will drink, where I will live.... and actually dreaming big again.  And:  not only dreaming big, but WITH GOD'S help, LIVING the dream I was meant for.  HIS dream for me.  Does this mean I stop my 9-5 day job? Maybe not.  But maybe yes.  Does this mean I let go of my adult responsibilities?  No.  I believe we're to be people of excellence.  But this MAY mean I stop taking responsibility for other people's lives and just start really living my own.

When I focus on trying to do this myself, I am filled with stress and anxiety.  I overload and overwhelm myself with the responsibility of "finding myself."

BUT:  there is another way. The better way. And in fact, its the only way that isn't generic or counterfeit.

Dear friends, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when He appears we shall be like Him, because we shall see Him as He is. -1 John 3:2 (emphasis added)

This scripture shows us 2 truths.  The first is that at the point of Christ's return, we will see who He is fully, and we shall reflect HIS beauty fully the way the Holy Spirit has been faithfully preparing us to do since we first believed.
The second is this; to the extent that we know Jesus and see His heart, we are able to know ourselves and our identity in Him because we are made to reflect His beauty.

So:  WHEN I focus on myself and try desperately to know who I am apart from God, I only cause more turmoil in my life.  I make it hard for myself.  AND, even the end result is but a shadow - not even a reflection - of what I could know about myself.

But if I focus on Jesus - if I become a student of His heart - not even just of His words - I can know the God of the Bible.  I can know the WHOLE story of His wrath on evil, His heart of mercy and His desire to show grace to those who seek it.  If I dare to know this massive heart of His for our very obstinate human race, and even may I venture to say His heart for a little soul like me, it is very likely that not only will my unmet needs for feeling "special" and "picked first" (within the vast population) be met, I may also begin to believe that I in fact was meant to grow forth into greatness and radiance.  I was meant for such a time as this.

And so are you.

All of sudden - this 23 year old heart holding with tender sentiment all those fairy tales deep inside, is beginning to LIVE the fairy tale, instead of just dreaming about it.  Not because I have a man in my life.  Not because I have the dream job or the dream lifestyle.  Not because of ANYthing material.

I'm living the fairy tale because I'm being transformed from a pauper to a prince by love.
I'm the Cinderella the prince scours the kingdom for.
I'm the Sleeping Beauty who was fought for and loved back to life.
I'm the Little Mermaid who has a winning heart even without her song.
I'm the Jasmine who can stare down the face of evil and speak her heart, mind and truth in boldness.
I'm the Belle who finds a heart of gold in the brutes and beasts when everyone else holds their pitchforks and guns.
I'm the Marian who's spirit burns with adventure for humility, mercy and justice and loves the outcast's heart.
I was made Snow White and called the fairest among maidens even though I am dark.

Those are my stories.

What are yours?

Who are you?

Why settle?

Why settle at all?





The Beauty of Femanitity, Hope and The Wedding Summer


With it being so long since I've composed a substantial entry in this newly vamped blog of mine (yay!!) I figured it would be best to title it exactly what it would be about.


Starting with the last subject first, I'll begin with weddings! 
 A girlfriend once stated, "This is the weddingest summer of my life," which for her was last year.
I can't think of anything more appropriate to explain the kind of summer its been for me, this summer of 2012!  Almost every weekend this month alone has either been a wedding that I'm in or should definitely go to, a shower or a bachelorette party and I think I may go insane!  Not because its not fun but because I'm the kind of person who's tank gets filled back up by being alone.  All of these events include people.  Lots of people.  People that I know and love, people that I'm merely acquainted with and people I just don't know. So its no surprise that I find myself freaking out (on the inside) that I don't feel like I have a moment to breathe!  On the other hand, its definitely a precious time of sharing in the joy of some of my dearest sisters receiving a hearts desire, well waited for.  I wouldn't take back a moment I've put in to help it all run smoother.

Interestingly enough I've been asked a few times how I've been doing in all of this.  You know, the question that people ask in vagueness but really, they mean something super specific.
Just in case a translation is in order, I'll offer an example for what I mean.

"I've been meaning to ask you...how are you doing?"
translation:
"I've been meaning to ask you, how are you doing watching each of your girlfriends get married to the man of their dreams and it not being you, again?"

I guess it sounds a little harsh, but that's really the question that's being asked and it makes me chuckle that so much care is taken to daintily step around the real issue.

This answer  TO this question actually leads me into my next 2 subjects (and just in case you're wondering, the quick answer to how I'm doing is:  I'm fine.  Really and truly!)
And the long answer is that God has been doing a deep work in me these past 2 months.

I'm not really sure what kind of season my heart as been in or how to describe it, honestly.
Its been dark, but its much more de-light-ful than any other season I've been through.
Its the kind of season where in the beginning you face your own heart -dark, yucky and all and don't run or retract your gaze.  Its hard to do because you have to come to terms with the ugliness inside, and for a girl who aches to be beautiful this is a hard lesson to learn.
Praise God for introducing my little uber-churched heart to sister Mercy who took me by the hand and sat with me as I faced my own heart bravely.  She didn't say a word, she just offered her presence.  And that alone encouraged me to keep my shoulders squared.
After a time I needed MORE encouragement because what I hadn't anticipated in this season was that not only was it a time for me to face my ugliness, it was also a time for me to face dreams and broken dreams, hopes and disappointments I had pushed deep down because of hurts, words and circumstances. Not only did I need to face the ugly, I needed to face what was beautiful and broken too.  I don't know about you, but I just never realized how afraid I was to accept myself, emotions and all.  Here is where I met sister Grace.  She took my other hand. 

I'm an analyst by nature.  I over analyze EVERYthing.  "Stop thinking so much!" is something I've heard more times than I can count by more people than just my mother.
What can I say?  I like to know how people work and consequently that means I have an obsession for knowing how I work too. The problem however is that I would stuff my emotions down so that I wouldn't be irrational. I'm used to relying on what I think rather than what I feel.  But I've learned that in order to think clearly about myself, I need to be allowed to BE myself and not let my heart condemn me when my feelings decide they'd like to have a say.
Problem with this (to many people, not to myself) is that I'm a passionate person.
I feel and I feel strongly.
Nobody has to tell me that they're overwhelmed by my zeal.  It overwhelms ME too.  Well okay, not the zeal part. 
I'm more overwhelmed by the fear that nobody would delight in my heart because all they see is big emotion and wont dig further.
But this isn't abnormal for me, this kind of feeling or situation.

Whats NEW is that I'm not apologizing for my feelings anymore.  I'm not afraid of them either.  And I'm not afraid of what will happen to me if I allow myself  the right to feel every last emotion that a thing would trigger in me.
Why?
Because God made me an emotional person.  Its a picture of a soft heart, looking into the life of someone who is willing to be fully human with emotions, deep thinking, mess and all that it entails. 

I make no apologies.  I'm dark.  I've seen my heart.  I'm thoroughly convinced I haven't an inch of good in me.

The thing is though - apparently all the yuckagunk in my heart is perfect soil for things to grow, especially if its allowed to be tilled and worked on.
Seeds of hope have been planted by the Lord Himself into my heart and now, little plants are beginning to poke through.  Not quite bloomed or anything, but the roots at least are deeply laced within my soul and they draw their life from the well of faith deep inside.

I was meant to bring forth life as a woman.  This doesn't mean children are the only thing to give birth to.
Letting God work with my filth to make something absolutely stunning come out of this mess is what I'm getting at here.

My guns are down.
I've been wrestling the Lord a lot in working out this process of trust - true trust.
And you know?  Something I hadn't bargained for is that He's showing me how beautiful the heart of a woman really is, in light of the glory of God.
I've always viewed my heart as a bothersome contraption which longs for things that aren't realistic - even when I was overly hopeful for romance as a young teenager.   God views my feminine heart as a garden - a place where He longs to come and walk with me in.
And if I really think about it, I truly desire to offer my heart's hospitality, even though I've hidden it away for so long.
I'm beginning to really believe God's heart for women is to be radiant.
We were meant to be beautiful from the inside out.
And not to say that every man will be attracted to every woman but - men see it.  Especially men who love Jesus - a woman who offers her strength and beauty within the context of her femininity stirs a man to BE a man - and a Godly one at that.
Humility
reverence
hope
receiving love
acceptance
giggling
enjoying - each of these are being worked into my heart to teach me that I don't need to clamor all the time or beat myself up for for actually living.
I was made to be at rest with myself.
And out of that, I'm able to invite others to do the same in my presence as a welcoming personality. 
I truly desire to love people well.
How can I do that when I don't allow God to show me what He loves about me so much?

I'm starting to feel beautiful in ways I never imagined possible.
I'm proud to be a woman because God has made me such.
I'm excited for the plan He has for me, in so putting on His love as my heart's clothing.

I'm excited because simply put:  too many people fit themselves into a mold that is cookie-cutter-christianesque because that's what they're told  it is to be a good Christian.
But you know what?  My first priority is not to be a good Christian.  In fact, thats not how I even want to be perceived.   I want to be a fully alive woman who lives by Grace, walks by Faith and has Beauty in her sights.  I want to be known as a woman who is well loved by God.  I want to be known as one who loves Him more than life - and definitely needs Him.
 If I can be THIS kind of woman, I can invite others to be this kind of person too.

That is beautiful to me - inviting people into the Kingdom of God in this way.
This is my heart.
Ah.  This is the heart of God.





Hope and Burial

Dear Readers,

I came across a small entry that I wrote in my journal which makes me smile every time I read it and I'd like to share it with all of you. :)

"I feel like my hope rises for a dream just to be dropped into a grave."

 I wrote this last April and it made my heart smile. I wish I could hug myself a year ago. My heart smiles because my thought's response to this was, "oh the beauty of a seed's burial."
Every thing must die in order for there to be a miracle of divine intervention.
 I'm beginning to understand that now.

I like revisiting good thoughts. Be blessed!

Love, Sarah

Time to Let it Go




Time to Let it Go
by Sarah Faith

Again my eyes beheld
the changing season scene
where once the burst of death
colored each leaf with a scream.

Quietly the trees resolve
each letting their own go
submitting to the Lord the old
so something new can grow.

Though the visible exclaims
a normal, boring gray
It obediently vacates
so transform inside, it may.

One day yes, in His time
the season next, comes soon
time's up in hope's deferring
roots deep in love, she'll bloom.