1 Percenter, Grace and "Getting Saved"

I've been thinking about how I wanted to start this post -
 what sentence would capture in a nutshell the reason behind my somewhat sudden absence from the bloggersphere. But to be honest - nothing really came to mind.  And I'm okay with that.

Since my last (what I would call shortstop) post ... and to be honest, since I last really posted, my life has been turned upside down and all around.

Going to India pretty much set it off, too.  I mean, I knew it was going to change my life and all, but I have nothing in the history of my life to compare this to.

First of all, a few things should be in the back of your mind as I explain.

Firstly, I wanted to be an archaeologist when I grew up as a kid.  Which could coincide with my love for understanding people and culture so... anthropology? I just clumped it all together in one word though.

When I got older, I thought I'd be a wiseguy and pull one over on God - meaning, make my life plans LOOK like God's work so I could do what I really wanted to do.  hehe.  So I told God I wanted to be a missionary... and then do archeology on the side.  ... Then as time went on, I actually DID want to be a missionary.  And then further down the road, for various reasons, I decided that since most missionaries I knew were just serving their own communities, I would be a missionary and learn to serve mine.

Except I didn't really love my community.  How many of us know that in order to truly serve out of our own free will, we must also learn to love?  I had a long way to go.  But we all do... all the time.

Anyway I dropped the idea of going to other countries around the age of 14.  Fast forward a decade - and my 24 year old self  just met up with her missionary dreams once again.
 Except what she realized was that in learning to love her own country, her own city, her own community and her own family, she was able and prepared to love another.

What I saw in myself was surprising.  Why was it so easy?  Why did I love things others could only tolerate?  Why did I connect with the people like they were my own family?
And most of all, WHO THE HECK AM I?  I mean - what just happened here.

There are a LOT of things people say to people like me:  mission trip newbies.

"Of course you won't want to leave.  You never do, when its your first trip."

"I know it sucks to go back right now but, you'll be back to normal soon."

"Yeah, over time you'll forget about the place... and it'll seem like it never happened.  But... you'll be different.  And you'll remember that it DID happen. Because you're not the same, even though your life is." 

"Yeah... there's always that 'mission trip crush'.  It'll pass."
 (*Ahem* More on that later.)

Are these little tidbits I've heard over the past 7 months wrong?  No way!  Its a lot of truth.  For most people.

But... I'm not most people.  I'm Sarah.  And in the one percent chance that the status quo DOESN'T apply to a situation, you can surely conclude that my life is made up of the most hilarious "did that just happen?" one percent chance situations.   Sometimes I wish I could say different, but honestly I get a kick out of my life and it always seems to come through prove everyone wrong when they try to categorize or generalize it.  It suddenly seems to have a mind of its own  - have a bad hair day - or decide it just won't cooperate.  It chooses the most opportune moment to declare itself different right when I think I'm about to enjoy a little bit of 'normal' for a change.

The truth is though - all those words people offer to mission trip newbies like me - just didn't fit.
They were true enough, for a majority of people.  But not for me.
Why?  Because this is part of that one percent chance that something is different.

See...
I didn't forget about India.  I didn't forget about the people.   They're always in the back of my mind. Every day.
My life has been and is a waiting grounds for something greater to happen. Something that will allow me to move forward into whatever the Lord has next.
Plus, I met a man who has since captured my heart - and it was so God-ordained that I can only testify of God's goodness in it.  But that is for a different post. :)

My mind came back reeling with thoughts and possibilities I had never considered or imagined.
I was overwhelmed.  I've curled up in a ball on my floor trying to find something that HADN'T chanced.  The only thing that hadn't was Jesus.  That kind of lesson is learned when nothing is familiar.  I didn't know  who I was anymore.  Yet... I was more myself than I could have ever been up until those moments.  And I'm so grateful.

++++

So what's been going on with me these past few months?

Honestly?  I've been processing data.  I've been learning about grace.
I've been wrestling with grace.  I've been offended with grace and by grace.
And after working through cycles and cycles of this (and as I continue to), I've come to the conclusion that I'm desperate for it.
I've been so stuck in this ongoing lie that when I keep sinning in the same area of my life and have to keep asking for forgiveness, I'm somehow raping the grace God has given to me.  I've spent so much of my life judging people who use God's "grace" to justify their sin that I have condemned myself to that same judgement.  And to come face to face with the fact that God's judgement of my own situation was more gentle than mine... that He offered me grace when I offered myself none - it offended me.  Grace isn't fair.
Yet God's judgements are true.

So how does this work?

It works when you realize you need saving from yourself.  

You know.  I've grown up in the church.  I asked Jesus in my heart at 3.  I was baptized in the Holy Spirit at 12 years old.  I've ministered in many ways.  But I never had a moment where I knew I needed saved.  And I needed saved BAD.

I never had that moment, that is, until I got back from India.
A couple months of this wrestling led me to a face-plant in my front room floor, weeping as Jesus spoke clearly to my heart, "Sarah, are you better than your master?"

6 words crumbled my proud resolve and as I wept some of my most painful tears yet, the only thing I could think was that "This must be how it feels to get saved."

And that's when I realized ... I was. Just then, I "got saved".
And I wept that it took so long for me to understand it.  And I wept because God's timing is perfect and that it was His grace that allowed me to walk with Him until this moment.

Do I believe that a person can love God, walk with God, know God, learn from God and not be saved?  Nope.  But most people know Jesus as their Savior when they choose God back.
But remember?  I'm that weird one percent chancer.
And it just so happens that though I've been saved by grace this whole time, I didn't know I needed a savior the way I know I need one now.
So my life is a little backwards, no question about that.  But.  Nevertheless, my best friend Jesus revealed Himself to me as my Savior.  And now I get to add that to the list of names He's been revealing to me in His own way.

So that's one thing the Lord is doing in my heart on a personal level.

In my next post I'm going to explain how I came to the conclusion that God is going to send me to India again, next year.  But this time for 6 months!  :)  Stay tuned!

I Found Myself In India

The air was was muggy and smelt faintly of spices.
I knew I had stepped into a different world the moment I stepped out of the plane.

I heard it would be weird and I heard it would smell different.  I heard it would smell, period.
And they weren't wrong.  But to me, it smelled wonderful.
It smelled wonderful because it smelled like a dream coming true.

There's something about India that has either begun to lace itself into my heart... or perhaps it was woven in to begin with.  Maybe its always been apart of my DNA.  I'm not sure.

On India, Changed Plans and Answered Prayers

My heart was beating and the anticipation grew.

The speaker was speaking and my very core knew.

I was going to sign up for this trip. I would sign up for this trip.

Not a single amount of hesitation could stop me.  Finances?  God would provide.

…Strange.  I always worry about finances.

But I knew that I knew that I knew I was definitely going to Mozambique.

I was going on this trip.

A Heart of Rest

Rest.

  Have you ever met anyone who was entirely chill with themselves?
You know, the kind of person who you instantly trust.  They don't have any fire walls or reservations.  You know without a lick of doubt that who they are in front of you is who they are.  There is nothing to prove.  There's no need to prove it if there was.  They may not even know themselves fully (then again, can you ever, really?) but they're okay with that because to the extent that they do know themselves, they are at rest with it.
  This idea of being "at rest" becomes more distinct if we add a new factor to the mix; Sex.

Sex: the differences between whether that person is male or female.
Suddenly, it becomes a little more personal.  A man who is at rest within himself reflects the glory of true masculinity.  Likewise, a woman at rest with herself mirrors the truest forms of femininity.  And, clearly a person at peace with who they are is considered beautiful, even within society's standards.  Not for any outward reason, of course.  But for the very fact that who they are draws forth who we dream -  even long to be.  You don't just want to be a man, you want to be a picture of masculinity with purpose and vision attached to it.  You want to be someone worth following.  I as a woman don't just want to be girly, (or NOT girly, for some) I long to be accepted within all the attributes of my feminine being.  Neither sex desires to be shamed for what they desire to be.

hearts are pounding.

She's on to something.

  Now add God into this bag of stirring thoughts.
No, no.  Not the God you think I'm talking about.  Get your version or your perceived idea of who God is out of your head.  He's bigger than your mind.  He's bigger than mine.  We think we've got HIM down?
He's got all men, all women, all children - every heart, every hair, every thought - from the beginning of time until its end - memorized and He calls each person by name.  People are always telling God who He is. Those who say they're His, those who say they're not.  All of the people in between.  But only He would know.  And how could we ever?  We're like a breath and we're like a vapor.  We're here and then gone just as quick as we inhale and exhale.
  Yet...
not only does this God take the constant scrutiny and speculation of people who lack experience of truly knowing Him fully, (and that counts for those of us who're working on a lifetime of knowledge) and not only can our accusations of His character not effect who He knows and shows Himself to be, (Um hey.  One of His names is the Prince of Peace.  Eh?)  He also takes care in fashioning us in a way that makes us long for something beyond ourselves.

Nothing material.

Just simple.

Rest.  Peace.  Trust.  Child-like and worry-freedness.
"Those were the days," some of us reminisce.
"Oh, to be young again," some of us even say.

Its a familiar ache inside our worn and battered hearts that never quite goes away.

  I've been pondering this thought for over a month now.
I'm 23.  I'm young enough that I've "still got time", but old enough to know that my time is quickly flying by, (or is that me?)  If I'm wise enough, I would also know that time is too heavy of a responsibility and it isn't mine to hold; AND that I shouldn't waste it, especially if it isn't mine.
If I know the word of God, I know THE time is drawing near and IS here and that one hesitation of living in it fully (disobedience, ultimately) could reroute me into taking the longer way OR could result in me living a life lesser than God's best for me.
What is God's best for me?
Knowing mercy.
Walking in grace.
Knowing true Love and real kindness.
Living an abundant life.
Knowledge of my identity in Him.
Rest.
Peace.
Walking by faith.
Partnering with Him in His glorious plan to restore whole beauty to the earth, starting with these stubborn creations of His called humans.
Yet He calls them to be a people after His own heart.

I call humanity stubborn because they know the stories yet they refuse the truth.  They refuse the truth because its too good to be true.  Things that are too good to be true are rendered as fairy tales.
Yes.
Fairy tales.
And fairy tales? 
Those are for children.

 But isn't it the children we are jealous of, what with their free-spirits and child-like faith that everything will turn out okay?

Notice I didn't use  the word "envy".  For envy is something that isn't ours that we wish we had.
"Jealousy" on the other hand is something that SHOULD be ours, and isn't at the moment.

Thus says the LORD: "Stand by the roads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls. But they said, 'We will not walk in it.' -Jeremiah 6:16

Stubborn, that is what we are.  I imagine humanity as a 13 year old teenager who, no matter what the parent says, will indeed choose the opposing side - even if what the parent is saying is entirely right and beneficial and could EVEN possibly appeal to the youngster.
Its the nature of the beast.  We want what we want.  And we naturally don't want God.
Naturally.  Supernaturally on the other hand means its a miracle - and that's where salvation comes into play.

  At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will.   All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.   Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  - Matthew 11:25-30 (emphasis added)

So we know that we can only know the Father IF Jesus decides to reveal Him.  How does this tie into rest?  What IS that?  Well. Jesus says to learn from Him because He is gentle and lowly in heart.
 FYI, there is no one so low that Jesus cannot serve.  And, He's gentle with OUR hearts, because He's lowly in His. Jesus ALSO said in John 14:9 that whoever has seen Jesus has seen the Father. Oh.  So that means that God the Father is  gentle and lowly in heart too.

 For me, rest for my soul means - knowing who I am, being at peace with it and being free to just... be me.  -Free from the weight of time, free from worrying about what I will wear, what I will eat, what I will drink, where I will live.... and actually dreaming big again.  And:  not only dreaming big, but WITH GOD'S help, LIVING the dream I was meant for.  HIS dream for me.  Does this mean I stop my 9-5 day job? Maybe not.  But maybe yes.  Does this mean I let go of my adult responsibilities?  No.  I believe we're to be people of excellence.  But this MAY mean I stop taking responsibility for other people's lives and just start really living my own.

When I focus on trying to do this myself, I am filled with stress and anxiety.  I overload and overwhelm myself with the responsibility of "finding myself."

BUT:  there is another way. The better way. And in fact, its the only way that isn't generic or counterfeit.

Dear friends, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when He appears we shall be like Him, because we shall see Him as He is. -1 John 3:2 (emphasis added)

This scripture shows us 2 truths.  The first is that at the point of Christ's return, we will see who He is fully, and we shall reflect HIS beauty fully the way the Holy Spirit has been faithfully preparing us to do since we first believed.
The second is this; to the extent that we know Jesus and see His heart, we are able to know ourselves and our identity in Him because we are made to reflect His beauty.

So:  WHEN I focus on myself and try desperately to know who I am apart from God, I only cause more turmoil in my life.  I make it hard for myself.  AND, even the end result is but a shadow - not even a reflection - of what I could know about myself.

But if I focus on Jesus - if I become a student of His heart - not even just of His words - I can know the God of the Bible.  I can know the WHOLE story of His wrath on evil, His heart of mercy and His desire to show grace to those who seek it.  If I dare to know this massive heart of His for our very obstinate human race, and even may I venture to say His heart for a little soul like me, it is very likely that not only will my unmet needs for feeling "special" and "picked first" (within the vast population) be met, I may also begin to believe that I in fact was meant to grow forth into greatness and radiance.  I was meant for such a time as this.

And so are you.

All of sudden - this 23 year old heart holding with tender sentiment all those fairy tales deep inside, is beginning to LIVE the fairy tale, instead of just dreaming about it.  Not because I have a man in my life.  Not because I have the dream job or the dream lifestyle.  Not because of ANYthing material.

I'm living the fairy tale because I'm being transformed from a pauper to a prince by love.
I'm the Cinderella the prince scours the kingdom for.
I'm the Sleeping Beauty who was fought for and loved back to life.
I'm the Little Mermaid who has a winning heart even without her song.
I'm the Jasmine who can stare down the face of evil and speak her heart, mind and truth in boldness.
I'm the Belle who finds a heart of gold in the brutes and beasts when everyone else holds their pitchforks and guns.
I'm the Marian who's spirit burns with adventure for humility, mercy and justice and loves the outcast's heart.
I was made Snow White and called the fairest among maidens even though I am dark.

Those are my stories.

What are yours?

Who are you?

Why settle?

Why settle at all?

Whimsical Little Heart That I Have

A year ago, I was the person who hoped for spring in the middle of winter and was disappointed when my hopes were dashed with mounds of snow.

This year, I find myself lovingly embracing each season and hoping to experience exactly what is brought with them - winter, spring, summer, and fall.

It may seem to some that I'm a person who doesn't know what I want.
Its true.  I don't always.
Maybe though, the way that I find myself approaching the seasons this year is evidence that God has been changing my heart drastically.
I'm sad to see the snow melt AGAIN, for the 27th time this winter.

But, its a new season.  Its not last winter, its not next winter.  Its THIS winter.  And this winter brings a blizzard yesterday and 50 degree weather today.
And - its all in God's hands, which means that its beautiful.
I couldn't see the beauty in that, a year ago.
But now its this year.  A new year.
With THAT being said, feeling a little up heaved over these past few months has jostled my heart into a new rhythm of sorts - one that, upon speculation, seems best put within the context of a poem.
The title seems exactly appropriate for my thoughts.

The Rhythm-Changer
Moving about my day
to my own beat and to time
my hands to work I may
to keep the rhythm of my rhyme.
Day to day its kept
my heart was beating fine
'til in my life you stepped
I saw my world was never mine.
Now I dance about my day
twirling to a tune
with lyrics I can't say
but smell sweet like a perfume.
Moving about my day
to your beat and to your time
hands work is Kingdom play
face set, my heart sublime.

Sara Groves wrote a song called "Setting Up the Pins".
She sings about how life's rhythm is like setting up the pins and knocking them down.
I feel like that's life's rhythm except for ONE major difference:  I don't dance to my own beat.  I dance to His.  I dance to the beat of Jesus.  I dance to the beat of the Holy Spirit.
And He is ALWAYS doing a new thing - the things of God.

There's a LOT of change happening in my life right now, but I'm not going to actually update all of you until plans are set in stone.  So my question is: would you pray for me?

I love you all,

Sarah

Life-Changing, Radical Obedience

Have you ever had times in your life where the entire paradigm of your view changes?

Its like you can only see certain things or you can only see things in a certain way and your mentality could never have imagined another way?


Something I'm realizing about myself is - the way I make decisions.   I calculate all the possibilities my imagination can conjure up and then based on those options I do process of elimination based on common sense and pros and cons. 
So in essence, even though I can multi-task considerably well and have the ability and the capacity to be open-minded,  I am one track minded in nature by default. 


This being said, you can imagine that the Lord's way with me includes changing things up a bit now and again.

So, a few words sum up what I'm about to talk about in this blog:
Letting Go
Praying new prayers
Radical obedience
and
Faith.


Now,  being apart of a Vineyard church, we are of course fans of our founder, John Wimber.
Christy Wimber, one of his relatives pastors a church out in CA and she visits every now and then.  While she was here this past month, she said something that really hit me square at home in my heart.
She said, "Now, I KNOW that when God asks me to let go of something that's hard to let go of, He's about to do something new in my life."

Now over the past year, I've been wrestling with God about a few different things that I WANTED to let go of but could NOT, within my own strength.  The lesson learned in this was invaluable to me as I learned that I was entirely bound to my own sin patterns and COULD NOT unbind myself by my own strength.  Nor could I wrestle God into doing what I wanted Him to do.  Ultimately, I'm ugly in my sin, I can't change it AND ... that's that.  But God.  Those two words become the most precious in my life.  But God - so loved us.
But God.

So this happened over the new year and when I concluded that I can do NO good thing within myself and I needed God to LET GO at ALL -He released me. And I could.
  Kind of  like the story of Jacob wrestling God?  Yeah.  2011 in a nutshell for me.  Except I begged God to let ME let HIM go.  Pride my friends will never be beautiful. You can cover it up and you can sugar coat it, but when you ask God to do what it takes, make no mistake about it, He will.
That is what I love about Him.

When I was released from the things I couldn't let go of, things became disorienting for me.
I've often felt like I don't fit well or for very long into places I find myself in - and for the most part I just accepted that this is inevitable for me since I've felt like this since a child.
But God has been doing MUCH in the arena of my identity and putting down roots has been a lot easier for me.  Especially as friendships develop.
But after all of this wrestling, my life seemed empty and my purpose left blank.  What now, Lord?

Great question!

When you let go of something, God has got something new on the horizon.
Or at least for me, lots of old things.

Things I've forgotten about for years, actually.  Its really awesome because they're little things that only I would know about but He's proving Himself faithful because even though I forgot about them, He never did.

But that's still disorienting because I'm not moving in those callings at this point.

I think the place I find myself in, though small in its beginning, is a very defining one.  Its a place of memorial.  Kind of like in the Old Testament when God tells Israel to make a memorial so as to remember what He did for them.  Here - here in this place is a new chance to die.  Again.  To myself.

Its really cool actually because what's happening is something I've never done in my life before.
I'm obeying without question.  Or at least trying to.  I'm finding out that without love, "being good" is just moralism as a means to get what we want.
The standards God sets for us personally and by His word are just rules to follow if we don't know how to really love and trust God.
"If you love Me, you'll obey my commands."  -John 14:15
The joy I'm finding in all of this is that as I learn God's love for me, I can't help but love Him the same way - by imitation.  All of a sudden, what was a sacrifice for me before becomes an offering - a PLEASURE for me to give.  It is a pleasure for me to obey the Lord.
I don't know about you guys, but I've always had a problem with obeying God when I don't understand or when I just plain don't WANT to.  It never occurred to me to ASK Him to give me the strength to say yes to Him.  The DESIRE to pray this prayer never even crossed my heart.  What a SWEET prayer!
I'm all about praying risky prayers.  I WANT to give it all!  I WANT to see my life fully surrendered to Jesus!  I WANT to move in His Spirit and with authority and power for His glory.
I can't do that without giving permission for God to "do whatever it takes."

So a new prayer is asking God to give me the strength to say yes.


Now some may argue that I always have a choice.
Yes.
But no.  My choice is that I have none.
My choice is obedience.  Because I love Him.  I can't go back - I don't even know how I could!
Its kind of like Frodo and the ring.  Yes, he had a choice but... he was chosen.  He was a slave to completing his task even if it meant unto death.
I feel the same way about following the Lord.
Its not an option to NOT love God.  I can't not.  To love is to obey.  I can't then, NOT obey.

Now - I don't have the ability to obey in my own strength, this I know.  I've tried this very recently and I found that it is impossible.  I could "say" I obey and in action look like I am, but God is the great Judge of our hearts and we cannot fool Him even if we succeed in fooling ourselves.
So - to walk in the way I choose, I cannot have anything of myself.
AS I decrease, He is increasing.
When my life is based in this, beautiful and holy and pure, HOW can I go back? Why would I want to be in the dark when my life is becoming increasingly enraptured with light and true life? That would blaspheme the Holy Spirit.
Once one is presented with the truth, you can't go back into oblivion.  It becomes a deliberate decision.  I can't choose oblivion and unchoose God.   Therefore, as a servant, it is the call of my life to obey - to worship God in obedience regardless of feelings.
Now, a few things have happened since I last posted:
My mission trip to Mozambique has been canceled. Airfare is way overpriced.  And - I've raised all but about about 300 dollars of the 3000 that I needed.  NOW WHAT?!  Have I used the word disoriented a lot?  That's because this is how its been this last month.  Why did I feel God's prompting for this trip?  Why was all the money raised so quickly?  What is God's plan for that money?  I need direction.  I need to walk in faith.

So with THIS being stated, a quick story.
2 doors down from the office I work at within a small plaza, there is a music/record store owned by a crippled man.  It takes him probably 5-6 minutes to walk to the door from his handicapped parking spot - a walk that would take any of of us 5 seconds. He's not necessarily the nicest man either - gruff.  He's not that old -mid 40's at the most.
the last 2 weeks God has been putting it in my heart to pray for his heart to be softened.
THEN it occurred to me that as a person who believes that the power of the Kingdom of God is within me, I should act in faith and ask if he would like prayer to be healed.
Now - I don't have any gifts of healing to my knowledge.  But - that would mean that God would have to do His thing - and that is exactly what I felt the Lord had in mind.
But for a week I procrastinated the development of the idea because - what if nothing happened?
The thought didn't go away and I knew that I wasn't being obedient to what Jesus commissioned us to do - He SAID that one of the signs that will follow believers is that they would lay hands on the sick and they would recover.
The other thing is - the store is filled with yucky feeling spirits.  Demonic music - demonic things inside.
But on lunch a few days ago, I couldn't do it anymore.  I was intensely convinced that regardless of my feelings and "don't do this!" thoughts, I HAD to move.  What if God was waiting for me to act in faith and obedience so HE could move? What if in my disobedience, I was hindering God's process of moving things in MY life?  I couldn't afford to not obey.
So I went.
I told the man (Phil) that God had me praying for him for the last few weeks and at that point, I had a prophetic word for him as well.  He let me pray for him, and you know?  nothing happened before my very eyes.  And I told him that God had a plan for me to come to him that day for a reason - I didn't know what that was, but maybe he should ask God what its all about, since he said he prayed every morning.

And - I went back to my office with my lunch.  And I cried.
I did something huge, my friends.  I risked what I felt was everything and moved to advance the Kingdom.
But mostly I acted in deliberate faith, paying the cost of possibly foolishness - in act of love and worship to my Father.
It cost me something I've never paid before, and it was the most freeing, scary - moving thing I've ever done in my life.

I'M GROWING, GUYS!!!!

John Wimber said faith is spelled R-I-S-K.
A friend pointed out that according to John then, risk is my middle name.
I never thought about it that way before.
But one of the visions for my life that I believe God has given me is to live a life of radical faith - complete obedience.  God doesn't need the most intelligent, genius person to accomplish big things, guys.
God needs a willing vessel -a regular, every day person who is willing to say, "Yes, Lord."
I'm done dreaming of being that person.  Its time I just started living it.
I'm an adult, no body's stopping me, right?  What am I waiting for?
Jon Foreman couldn'tve voiced a more profound statement in the form of the question:

"This is your life - are you who you want to be?"


So NOW what?!

I'm praying about what God's purpose for this money is.
I'll be writing letters to all the people who gave to either return it or ask them to pray that God would make it clear what His plan is for it.

Pray with me, friends?
Who KNOWS what the Lord has for those who love Him. :)

Start at the End

I just took a thought stanza from my journal and created a poem from it today.

I put a lot of deliberation into this little bit of my heart. :) As a (sort of acrostic) syllabic verse, this follows a alternating 7-6-6-7/6-6-6-7 format. Enjoy!


Please Don't Go Away - Start At The End
by Sarah Faith

Dancing down rolling hills
with a leap and a whirl
that flies out of control
my dear safe place spins Away.

Face to face with whats real
Not as spiritual
as I thought I had been.
Where did all my green grass Go?

Color isn't gone away
I find that its just bare.
No longer can I hide;
As of now I think I Don't.

Before Your eyes I end
My desperate little heart -
Reality of need.
Begin again, if You Please.

The World of His Will: As Seen by Sarah, Today.

At the door of Will.

That is where I find myself these days. Its lovely. Its terrifying. Its where God has me.

I went back and read one of my own poems from about 4 years ago because when I thought of my first sentence for this entry, I could only think of being at the door of my own will.

And then, to follow that thought, the question lies in whether I'm entering IN to my own will, or if I am exiting. And the thought even proceeding THAT thought is: if I'm going in, is that wrong, or if I'm leaving, where AM I going?!


The thing is, we're already in our own will as human beings. Its when we are presented with a NEW will that we have to decide what we are going to do. But either you're stuck in the same old-same old of the room of your own will unless you choose something else: and THAT something else is the will of the Father.

So when I picture being at the door of will, I'm actually picturing standing at exit of mine, and on the threshold of His.


But to be honest, I KNOW I'm in His will. I absolutely do. What I've been having revelation of in the last few days is that EVERY DAY we find ourselves at the door of Will. Every DAY we can either choose our own way, or we can choose the way of the Lord. Every day we choose these things.

I love AND HATE how we go back to "start" every morning. I LOVE it for all the obvious reasons. I only hate it because my flesh desires the credit of yesterdays revelation.

But every day is new. Every day we start back at ground "0" and every new morning is an invitation to "ENTER" into the Will of the Father, which, contrary to my little secluded, one-tracked and single-roomed will, is a GALAXY of adventures waiting to happen!


I've always wondered what it felt like to be side-swiped by the Lord. What it might feel like if He took my word for it when I said I would need to be knocked upside the head with His spiritual 2 by 4's.

Hehe. Its intense. Its adventurous. Its .... dangerous. Its like walking a tightrope - exhilarating yet only done by grace. And its that grace that makes the tightrope like a four-foot wide board, in some regards.

But I find that as I step into this new season of my life, I'm stepping into an accepting of His invitation to live LITERALLY: ON THE EDGE. To walk a path where ANYTHING can happen. Absolutely anything! And to be shaken of the fear of my OWN desires which (though I had always worried would overwhelm other people) coincidentally, more so overwhelm ME than anyone else.

Wow.


I'm seeking His face. I want to know what it is to have God's words like fire in my mouth. I want to have such a deeply ingrained passion for the things and the Words of God that I can feel it in my bones - with every STEP and every move of the joints, that I would feel the passion of God's heart burning IN ME.

Ahhaaaaaah.

I ACHE for the day when faith shall be sight.

I ache for the day when my soul's imaginations of being in the arms of my Father are not only reality, but multi-dimensionally MORE real then what is tangible in this life time!

Oh how I ache for it!!!
And though I am called to all contentedness, I am also called to contend for that which is not seen.

But I want to see it.

I want to SEE the Will of the Father. Not just feel it.
I want to be a See-er in the spirit. I want to see and then to speak it.

Man. I'm not kidding. This is the deepest cry in my heart and it is worth saying no to a few meals and nice things to obtain it.

It is soooo worth it.

At the Door of Will
by Sarah Faith
2006
"You - you are Mine - come to Me."
Father, are You calling?
Silence - or was I really listening?
"You - come to Me - I chose you. Stand out from the rest."
Father, have You called me?
No, it mustn't be, for I am non for best.
"You - Child. It is you - chosen. You will complete My Will."
Father...is that You. God?
"Child! How I love you, come to me!"
Love - silence - will I choose to go or did I ever listen?
Waiting - stillness -pleading - longing - patience.
Will you choose to listen?
"I love you Child - for I stand at the door knocking.
Will you let me in?"

Warrior Dancer is Presented with Destiny.

I have got to say, (and I know that this may even sound slightly dramatic, but stick with me) turning twenty-one was a huge milestone for me in the spirit.

Hah. Like the way I start my entry off? With a big, resounding, weighty statement.

Its true.

I have this journal. It was given to me the Christmas before I turned 18. I had seen it previously at a book store and thought to myself the moment I saw it, "THAT is the ONE."
THEN... I looked at the price and my following thought was, "That is NOT the one."

I remember my shoulders slouching. It was def. disappointing.

Then, I received a special gift from a friend I didn't expect a gift from: It was the exact journal, color and all. She had said she felt led to give it to me by the Lord.

When I saw it I thought to myself, "This journal will get me from my 18th year to my 21st year. I just KNOW it."

And I knew that, starting that lovely, genuine-leather-bound book, I was starting a special phase in my life. I titled my 7th journal, "My Story" and I knew it would be just that: a story.

And it was. I am so surprised what that journal reveals about my growth in the Lord. Its a very precious thing.

But... come my birthday, I was 2 pages away from being done. And I want to share with any of my fellow believers and also my readers what the Lord very specifically did to make my birthday a milestone in the spirit.

My birthday was quite uneventful. I didn't even get carded when I ordered a glass of wine with my lovely dinner with my parents!!!!

But, in the afternoon, I decided I was going to splurge my time and sit down and watch the movie rendition of Lord of the Ring's Return of the King.

About half way through the movie, Aragorn, heir to the throne of Gondor, is presented with the King's sword - the sword that defeated evil once, and would defeat evil again. The sword has a distinct symbolism of Aragorn's destiny. Elron, lord of the elves who had been at the first battle when the sword had been shattered, had welded it back together and came to Aragorn with it.

The scene is that Elron approaches Aragorn and holds out the sword with both hands. He tells him, "the time has come".

Aragorn hesitates for only a moment before he reaches for the sword and pulls it swiftly out of its sheath and its in that second Aragorn chooses to step into his destiny as King. And he COULD choose NOT to... but really, he's at a point of no return. The way to move is forward. Its inevitable that He would move into that role, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

See, because there's no turning back. He might have turned back when he met the hobbits for the first time and knew that they were being followed by Evil. He might of chosen to leave when he got them to the Elves in Rivendale. But he didn't. THAT is when He could have chosen a different way. But the presentation on the sword only came when it was clear He was too far in - and he was sold to seeing this through.

So. Thursday, the day after my birthday, I'm at the house of prayer and I'm being stirred to intercede for Cleveland. Thinking about Psalm 93 - Holiness adorns Your temple, Oh Lord, forever.
I was stirred deeply and thus made a painting of a tsunami wave of the Spirit and of Life and of Fire about to crash down on 4 main "temples". Individual hearts, Households, The Churches and the City. The second set began at 10, and within about 20 minutes of the set beginning, Carol (one of our night watch prayer-warriors) comes to me, gives me her usual, joyful hug and as I pull away, she says, "I HAVE something for you... for Your birthday!" with a twinkle in her eye.

She then pulls out a pair of worship flags and presents them to me with both hands. Now... this is not the first time I have received a worship flag. I'm a firm believer that God equips the one's He calls. The first time I was given a flag, it was by someone I had never met before and the Lord very specifically told her to give me a specific worship flag - an "angels wing" of sheen purple. Prophetic colors are important - and this color means, "Royalty". My name, Sarah, means princess. Flags are for designating tribes, etc etc. If you lose your place, look for the flag, and go back to your place. A flag bearer, then, is one who holds up their identity high, and mightily, especially in times of war.

The flags Carol gave me are a sheer and glimmering white, and the one is bordered on either side in blue - with a Star of David on the front. When Carol unrolled it for me to see the star, the Spirit nudged me and I thought, "This means war."

And it was then that I knew - I'm a warrior in the spirit, and when I dance, I break down barriers, shatter strongholds and dance upon injustice - my dance is a prophetic gift just as my "painting pictures" is, or singing over people etc etc.

And The Lord gave me a picture of 2 armies going out to meet one another in a massive field. The adversary was already in place. The other side was the army of the Lord. People and angels of fall sizes and ranks. They were marching forward to take their place. But about 100 paces forward, there was a dancer. She was in a white dress with a flowing skirt, and she had a sash of red and blue - red symbolizing Salvation, and therefore, grace. And Blue symbolizing the Spirit like water - being baptized thereof. And she had 2 multi-colored streamers that were like smooth rainbows. And she was whirling and leaping and twirling about and her sash of blue and red would sometimes look purple - which symbolizes her identity and her rank. She is clearly a child of God. And her dance was very clearly a war dance. And Joy surrounded it in such a way that you knew who's army she was apart of and you also knew which army would win. It was a victory dance. And it was intense and strong and very very mighty.

She was the only dancer in that part. But the message is that she is not the only one in the body of Christ. But for this vision, she was set apart to designate her specific role. She was alone. She was closer to the enemy. She was on the very forefront. She saw it clearer then the army did. And? She was not afraid. In fact - the enemy could not, by spiritual law, shoot at her. She was under protection. The enemy could not touch her. It had no leeway to do so. She seemed to dance in the confidence of that protection. Her protection was peace. She was not worried or afraid. She was light and free.

THAT calling - that destiny - that place ... in the spirit, Is mine.

And I'm blown away at the privilege I have to be given a position of a flag bearer and a dancer.

Does that really change how I look in the physical? Nah. :) I'm doin the same stuff I know I'm supposed to. But I'm entirely overjoyed at the clear direction and placing I have in the army of the Lord for this season and time of my life. I don't quite know what it'll look like, but I think that's why I have a new journal - so I can record it all as I figure it out and go along. :)


Anyway. that's about it. I know this was a particularly long blog, but nevertheless, a thorough one at that.

Blessings - Sarah

Going Up In Rank

In the last month or so, the Lord has been doing some deep, deep things and I'm not even sure how to explain it.

He's building a contentedness to wait on Him. He's building steadfastness amidst emotions and stress. He's building His character in me. And I'm beginning to notice that my hope is no longer in things that will disappoint me, but it is in Him.

This weekend, some things hit me and I know I THOUGHT I should have been more effected by them but... What a freedom that God is what I put my hope in, and I trust Him in all His sovereignty! Its so awesome to realize that I'm not the way even I expected I would be because God has been working underneath the scenes in my life.

I have no clue how to explain it, but the hours of sitting before the Lord in prayer or just... BEING with Him, are transforming my entire person. I have never known the kind of growth I'm experiencing right now. I want silence and not distraction. I can't help worshiping Him the more I know of Him. I can't help desiring to serve. It is out of the overflow of my love with the Lord that I desire to do everything I am called to in ministering the His people and the people that aren't His yet.

There have been some truly defining moments that I would like to write out here.

The fact that I've been so financially stressed has been what I would call a "kick-start" into what God has in mind to work in me.

I guess I tend to depend on myself to be ahead of the game when it comes to my finances. So when things happen that are out of my control, I immediately have to go into a mode I need to be more practiced in: trusting God's sovereign way of provision.

It was a movement forward motivated by situations that would most simply just bring me to the end of my own abilities and strengths. Patience. I'm finding the end of my own portion. hehe.

Last Sunday (not yesterday) I had a time in the prayer room where the Lord reaaaaaalllllly did some surgery on my heart.

As my friend put it yesterday, "God knew that it would be too painful for me to reach His hand so deep and remove such a deep rooted lie in my heart. So He put me to sleep." And that's the truth. I sat for 2 hours pouring out my heart to God.... and then, when no words could say anything more, the Lord put me to sleep, where I was still partially aware of the music, but resting. I woke up with a jolt, and I knew I was better.

Then, this last week, God ranked me quite a bit in His army. Wednesday, I had people praying for me while we fasted, and God did a major "enlightening the eyes of my heart" moment. It has to do with Jeremiah 1:9-10.

Then the LORD stretched out His hand and touched my mouth, and the LORD said to me, "Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have appointed you this day over the nations and over the kingdoms, To pluck up and to break down, To destroy and to overthrow, To build and to plant."

I was reading a book called "Shaping History through fasting and prayer" and it put something in such a way that a little "DING" happened.

When God speaks, things happen. His Word IS happened. But many a time, the Lord, instead of just speaking, He desires His people to come into partnership with Him. So - He puts His words in their mouths and when THEY speak, things happen. But I'm just overcome by the crazy thing that has to do with Christ having all things under His feet by the power that raised Him from the dead and also by His mercy and loving kindness, WE are seated with Christ in glory and therefore, all His authority has been given to us, as we have taken His name. When we bless, it is blessed in heaven and on earth. When we curse, it is cursed in heaven and on earth. MAN. Our words are powerful. And when we tap into the heart of God to JOIN Him and SPEAK His intercessions?! WE MOVE THINGS. And so, THIS verse for Jeremiah the prophet was commissioned to me.

I'm not just a soldier in God's army. I've been ranked in a certain field that is my very specialty - and its speaking the Word that has been put in my mouth to move mountains in the heavenly realms. Overspiritualized? No. Its Supernaturally natural. This IS the normal life of a true believer.... and? I LOVE it.

God is just doing such a good work in my heart. Its just Him and me. There's no one else in the equation. No thing else to worry about.

Its just Him and me, and He is romancing my heart with His love for me. I'm learning how to be free in loving Him back. Its... been the best Valentine's day ALL MONTH. And isn't that how God is? Why wait for Valentine's day when you can have it EVERY day? And? Everyday is not the same. Its always a new adventure. I'm so glad. I'm just... sooo glad. :)

Two songs that really impacted me.

First one is "Here in the Waiting Room" by Misty Edwards. Its the song that played that very defining Sunday a week or so ago.

Here in the Waiting Room
Here in the waiting room
Of unanswered prayer

I feel like sometimes I will explode here
But I can't leave this place of waiting
I can't leave this place of expecting
You've pinned me down
You hedged me in

God I confess that I feel trapped
There is no way out
But God You know that I would never run to You
Until I had to

God I'm so frustrated, a little bit confused and so angry
For I know that You can answer but You don't answer me

Prayer it sounds so romantic
Prayer, it feels miserable
God I hate it, God I admit it

I know You are good, I know You are
But God it seems like You are playing games with me
God, why?
Why all the waiting a thousands times
Now I'm stuck waiting
God, I trust You
But God, I don't get You

Here in the waiting room
of unanswered prayer
Time seems to haunt me
as the hours turn to days
and days turn to weeks
and week to months
and months to years

Here in the waiting room
of unanswered prayer
But God, You know me
I would never sit still
Until I had to

Your ways are so wonderful
But God I'm so miserable

Cause You make all things beautiful just in time
It's just a matter of time, time, time
So into Your hands I throw it -everything-

Here in the waiting room
I'm here in the waiting room
Of unanswered prayer
I will wait on the Lord
Cause I have no option



And Empty Me sung by Jeremy Camp

Empty Me

Holy Fire, come burn away
my desire for anything
that is not of You
and is of me
I want more of You
and less of Me

Empty me, empty me
Fill, wont You fill me
with You with You

Sigh.

I do some risky praying...

"whatever it takes, Lord."
"Empty Me."
"Change me."
"Keep me humble, before You."
"Come quickly, Lord. I don't wanna be here anymore."


yes. This is my life. My novice life of prayer. :)

Stirring, Stirring... You See Bones?

I see an Army.





So I spent a little time at the House of Prayer tonight and God just began stirring in me something I don't quite understand and yet absolutely understand.

First thing is - The mountain of God.

I'm not sure all that it will entail, but I want to know all about this mountain that the Lord wants His people to dwell on.

I'm excited because God is opening something up to me and I don't know what it is, but it all started with a phrase, and then a poem.

And, come to think of it, the phrase was birthed on a hillside.

I know there's significance.

Just gotta find out all that there is.


BUT! Tonight! Tonight I began to read the first part of Ezekiel 37, which caught my attention and the Lord began to show me things that I believe have much - MUCH! to do with Cleveland.

The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"
I said, "O Sovereign LORD, you alone know."
Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.' "

So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.' " So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

Then he said to me: "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.' Therefore prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.' "

And as we prayed for the leaders and pastors of Cleveland, The Lord had already put on my heart the need to pray for the future leaders and pastors of Cleveland. And He led me to this scripture.

And as I read it through, the Lord began to speak to me exactly as He had spoken to Ezekiel, and I began to realize that, indeed, He was making a point in His very speaking to me: WE are the future leaders and pastors of Cleveland. WE are called. WE need to step up. WE need to prophecy to the dry bones and the helplessness of the valley by the water. HERE. In Cleveland, we are called to have the faith of Ezekiel, the Spirit of Elijah and the very breathe and anointed of the Spirit of the Lord within us.

I believe that Cleveland is an army waiting to happen.
I believe that Ezekiel was pretty average.
I believe that Jesus changes everything.

And, I believe that because of these 3 things, and because of who I am - who WE are in the Lord, that it qualifies us to speak and prophecy to the dryness of the Cleveland Church at large, the hopelessness of the lost at large and to be the very example of the goodness of a loving God to a dying culture.

Hah.

I don't even know what else to say right now.

Oh! Except I'll bring in the part about the mountains again:
The mountain of the Lord is the place that He has for His people - a "resting" place.
But there is one verse that I cannot help but be drawn to.

How beautiful on the mountains
are the feet of those who bring good news,
who proclaim peace,
who bring good tidings,
who proclaim salvation,
who say to Zion,
"Your God reigns!" -Isaiah 52:7


Ha! And in Isaiah 40, after calling out how all flesh is grass and how the Word of the Lord endures forever, The verse after says,
You who bring good tidings to Zion,
go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem, [c]
lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
say to the towns of Judah,
"Here is your God!"

I think there's a running theme here of the beauty of being on a mountain, proclaiming His wonders to the world.
Not sure what it means, but I'm going to be searching it out.

:)

I was too blown away by some of this stuff NOT to write, but I'm pretty sure this is by far, the most jumbled blog I've written in a while.

Enjoy!

♥

Journey of a Sojourner ... a very very new year.

This picture reminds me of Jeremiah 17. Hm...


So updates are crucial sometimes, if only for the sanity of the writer.

My life has begun in on a journey I believe will be a life time.

So let me give an illustration.

Your Sr. year of high school is like this big glass-window wall. You can see everything ahead of you but you have to go through this door which, engraved above it says, "Graduation". Right? High above this door, across the top of this wall is engraved, "Adulthood".

During graduation, the chaos and the hype is so insane that you don't even take a few moments to say goodbye to this place of childhood as your eagerness to graduate pushes you right on through the door. It closes behind you. All of a sudden, the life you've always known is gone. You can never go back. Engraved in the other side of this wall, above the closed door is , "Your Childhood". What a sad thing to feel when you have time to think about it.

But then! Then you turn ahead. You want to look for the endless opportunities you saw from the other side of the wall. Almost instantaneously however, the BUTT-LOAD of crap FROM my childhood - emotional issues, hurts, unforgivenesses, angers, etc etc, get dropped RIGHT IN FRONT of me as a mountain of things I just need to get over. Hello, adulthood. Not so bright after all, is it? A sense of hopelessness crowds my heart at this point. That's right, it doesn't go away.

I DON'T see where I'm supposed to be going AFTER all.

Fast forward 2 years. Here I am. The Lord has brought me up out over the wilderness of that place and for the first time in a very long time, there is a hope that I can physically see in my life and it is on a whooole new plain in my heart. I have known a refining process I wonder how many people have ever gone through - not to ever elevate myself but rather, to praise the Lord for His faithfulness for bringing me up out of a place that only He can elevate someone from!

Here I am.

I felt stuck in my job, stuck in my community, stuck with no avenue in which to grow in my passions just darn right - STUCK.

But the Lord knew this place was good for me. For it was in this place of being "stuck" that the Lord planned to show me my FIRST ministry was Him.

And as I became content in this new revelation, things began to happen. I was OFFERED a new job out of the blue. One that would NOT ONLY provide a true sabbath day for me (which I had been praying for, for about 9 months or so) but would ALSO provide evenings that I would begin to need - first, for rest, and second, for what would be to come.

AND - I was getting paid the same amount for these great bank hours, as I was working about 50ish hours a week between 2 part time jobs.

Praise God for His faithfulness in my finances!!

Then things began to happen: A small group was going on, Thursday nights. I had been PRAYING for a small group to join in on at my church, and this was it! ThEN, openings began to be available to become involved on the worship teams. And a friend approached me to join a team of worship leaders for children's ministry to lead once or twice within a few months time. (and one of my greatest joys was leading children into the throne room of God.)

ThEN!! An opening for youth ministry happened, but I actually didn't know it was available because, (How awesome is God's timing?) when I finally felt a releasing to express my interest with being involved with the youth, I was actually told that there was a new NEED for exactly what I had to offer. AWESOME.

And then, in the process of helping get my sibs involved with the youth ministry, I was directed to the Cleveland House of Prayer.


Ahhhhh..

Since I've been at the HOP, friendships have broken out, and I'm being surrounded by people who in one way or another, hold me accountable to the Word and encourage me to continue pressing in, on a regular basis. The biggest thing I'm being taught is: Meditation on the word of God. I've NEVER been so opened up to the heart of the Lord as I have been just making time, whether 10 minutes or an hour and a half, just THINKING about ONE scripture and turning it over and over in my head. I love it and my love for His word grows by the day. As an intern at a church before, I used to be intimidated by the scripture because I wanted to read it all but didn't even really know where to start and when I DID start, I felt discouraged that I wouldn't be able to learn all thee is to learn. Well that and, ALSO because I have a hard time memorizing. BUT when I meditate on it, memorization isn't at all difficult! hah! Amen!


But I ALSO love my Vineyard community as well! And what a blessing it is then, when my friends begin to show at the HOP and like it themselves, then! I'm so excited about what God is doing there.

I know He wants me to go between the 2 and learn significant things in both places.


One of the biggest BIGGEST things that the Spirit has been opening me up to right now, is missions. Being a missionary. A local missionary. All of my life. There is nothing I want more, actually. Where ever it is that the Lord wants me to go, I want to be a missionary. And God has been teaching me that I AM or that I SHOULD be right where I am!

But NOW I KNOW people who ARE doing that, and its their life JOB.

You know what I see?

Very regular, normal people, living life on the most extravagant, extraordinary level.

They have hearts to be a VOICE crying out for the City of Cleveland, on their knees or in reaching out, and they are not famous. But they make the Lord Jesus Christ the most famous One of all.

I'm blown away by this lifestyle as it is what I'd always expected for my own life, but never got to see it actually DONE. What a cool thing, guys.

My reason for the glass wall story is that, I AM on a journey.

I used to explain that sometimes I feel its not the greatest idea to date someone late high schools years and early right out of high school because, you tend to go down the road that that person is being called to, not necesarely your OWN. At least, the Lord showed me this about my own relationship at the time.

His wisdom was, "wait until you're ON the road I have for you to be on, and I will bring others along to walk beside you."


That road - that pathway that I had been waiting for God to direct me to - this is it. I'm on it. I am begining to see where I'm going, AND I'm begining to see what God is doing to take me there.


Its a very cool experience.


:)

BINGO

And as I was this Day

By Sarah Faithy, Early to mid 2005

Here I stand in happy gaze, the days are far not few
The sun is in my best, and the leaves, they're for me too.
The clouds, they swell with joyous pride, embracing light-heart phase
and as I was this day, my soul strains to seek Your face.

A day and two I sat therein, as it weeped outside
convinced was I, the clouds exposed what hid behind my eyes.
wretched was the world I saw, through my welled up tears
mangled in my disposition, I thus gave you my cares.

Hitherto I fight myself - that is, besides my foe.
for verbal deeds will nay get done, lest action be bestowed.
My will - the flesh. Stubborn, must die, submitting to it's place
though battered for severe mistakes, my soul was given grace.

Emerged - I did. the Sun was gray, as I beckoned forth.
My frame - cloaked in humility - my heart the brightest source.
For therein dwelt my love, my God, to which all else grows dim.
And though victory be mine that day, my soul, it dwells in Him.

I wonder if I'm the only one who seems to prophecy stuff over my life as I grow. Its like I'll say something but Jesus knew it would mean something so much greater as time went on.

I wrote this poem in 2005 as well.... but I had noooo clue that it would actually mean that I'd truly go through each phase. I had believed I had before! But there's something new about looking back on the things God was showing me a few years ago. Its that He knew what He would have me walk through.

I have to say, this poem is what my heart sings right now. Things seem so great when you're on a mountain top, but as you stand there, everything seems below you, you know? And if, like me, you've never experienced the kind the valley that it takes to keep you humble when you get to the next mountain top, you'll probably, like I do so often times, forget that you really NEED Him.

There are struggles we all inevitably must deal with - me? At this point in the game of life, my struggles are in my head. What lies will I believe? What truths will I speak over myself? Will I remember that the way I feel does not define what is true and will not shake the Rock I stand upon?

WILL I let my feelings shake me?

Hah. No.

I've found myself feeling some of the same anxieties I felt ermmm... probably the beginning of 2006. I remember feeling like my time would never come and I remember feeling like I was losing grip of something. I felt like all hope was lost - and well hey! A friendship was put on hold. One I cared deeply about.

But I'm different now. And I remind myself of that. And you know? The enemy is REALLY GOOD about bringing the past into the "Now" experiences. He's really good at bringing you BACK to something you've walked faaar far away from.

And the knowledge of this WILL be the end of this attack.

I am NOT who I was. I'm different now.

AND the situations are NOT the same now, as they were then.

And!!! HERE is the greatest thing of all!

I am NOT my emotions and my emotions usually DON'T tell the truth. They REFLECT what IS true - and what IS true is that I'm being reminded of the things that no longer ARE in my life and THAT must stop.

That right there is an amazing revelation if someone can wrap themselves around it... because I never would have even thought to think that way a year and a half ago.
I've come so far.

My emotions? They change. Over and over and over again. But they're not bad! They're a gift! But a wise woman will know that they are just to allow us to relate to Jesus more; NOT to lead us. Its the icing on the cake to feel something, good or bad.

So struggles - "Hitherto I fight myself - that is, besides my foe."
haha. Its so true.

But aaaah! How sweet victory is when you know that the One who has your back never forsook you? Instead, He cried with you, He laughed with you, He carried you, He shared with you in your sufferings..... and actually.... It was YOU who shared with Him in HIS sufferings because He's gone through it all before.


Isn't that just - amazing?!

He loves us!!!!! THE END.

Nothing can change it. It just is the way it is!

And you know? All my life all I focussed on was doing it right. Being right. Impress, impress, impress. I wanted to impress Him. I wanted to prove I was real. Wow. I actually... My entire life was spent proving things to people. I COULD climb a tree, even if I was a girl. I COULD beat the boys at their own game, even if I WAS a girl. I WONT EVER marry a potty (like the boys in kindergarten Sunday school used to tell me all the time) and FURTHERMORE, marrying a potty isn't even POSSIBLE, duh!?!. I AM an a plus student, I'm just bored with the freaking homework. I AM worth your time, if you would just give it to me. I AM talented I AM... I am I am I am by actions actions actions.


But Jesus.


JESUS is I AM.

And so now, I don't need to prove anything.
He delights in me just as I am.

No more proving anything. No more trying to be something I feel I need to be.
Now? Now He is showing me that His love for me is proof enough of who I really am. I am His.

Now all I need to do is be who He made me to be and to stay in His Love.
He loves me! He loves us. He's given us sooo much and He wants us to do something with it! But the world makes us prove that we have what it takes to be something great.

God isn't like that. WE have His love and His blessing, so we don't NEED to prove anything. Those two things are proof enough. So all we have to do is live in it and love in it and BE in it.

And you know?

We'll begin to glow.


Why?


Cause we'll be in love.

And isn't that really, the pursuit of every person on this earth?


BINGO.

Connect the dots, baby.

Thats why we're here.







AAAAAAHHHHH.



I thought I had emerged before, but this is different.

I think I might finally be catching something wild.
And you know?

So what if the sky is gray?

So what if everyhing around me is never going to be the same one day to the next?

I am His.

He is Mine.

He is Sovereign.

He holds all things together.

And I'll be okay.

And I'll be more then okay.

I'll be me.

And as I become me more and more, I'll be more like Him. And that'll be my witness.
But even then, I probably won't care. Because I'll be in love.
well.. I amm...


sheesh. I need to just stop. Or I'll go on forever.
Somedayyyy..... I will.


:)

I wonder if a week can change my life...

Alive Festival - my first year.

What to think, what to say, what think some more...

It was awesome. There were so many things that went wrong the week before and it was so discouraging, but the truth is that God does what He wants, and that I really didn't have to worry about stuff if what He wants was going to happen anyway, as it so very often does (because He knows what'll happen, so it works into His amazing plan as it always does. Wasn't THAT enlightening?)

So I went to Alive Festival and slept on the hard, cold ground for 3 nights. It was one of those things where you feel like you just want to complain about it except that you ALSO know how good it is for you and how it was your choice to begin with, so you bear it all and somehow take joy in the whole situation... except for when you're tossing and turning all night long *wink*.


I have got to say: I LOVE working behind the scenes. I love working in front ON the scenes. I love just working for God. Honestly, as I worked the booths I worked, I knew that half the bands could've cared less because really, when its being taken care of, you don't have to worry about it. But that didn't matter. I worked knowing that whether those people knew it or not, I was blessing them with my time. I was blessing them with my love to their fans. I was blessing them before God. And it blessed ME to bless them.

Is that selfless? Not really. I totally understand that I got gratification out of it. Its not really why I did it though. Its just where I fit in: serving people when they'll never know I was.

GOD!

I LOVE doing that! I LOVE doing stuff that no one will ever know I did. Its weird to get gushing gratitude. I'm not even telling this to GET recognized either - its just such a JOY that its hard to hold it in!

Talking to the different people I did, God showed me some things.

First, God showed me that God loves these people. He loves every single one of them.

He loves the gorgeous little blond girl that waltzes on by, who looks like she's 24 when in all reality, she's only 14.

He loves the overweight lady with the cane who's having a hard time being on her feet all day.

He loves all the little 12 year old guys who cultivate their long-hair-over-the-eyes-and-think-hawk-nelson-is-a-sissy-band group and who jump off of the high-dives in the middle of the night to impress the girls.

He loves all the guys and girls who pack it all up, leaving their family and friends for weeks on end to tour the different festivals because they're in "the band".

He loves all the people in between.

He loves them all and He wants to love them through me.

He wants to love them through you.


This festival really hit the music in me. I forgot that I love music. I forgot that I love how it draws people - how it makes them forget themselves - how it makes them think of God and the bigger picture. I forgot that it makes my heart sing and my feet dance. I forgot that its the soundtrack to my life.
I forgot that it is worship if I chose it to be.

I think I forgot that its a ministry in itself.

And this is a totally Biblical idea, really. Music being a ministry. David would play his harp before the Lord in the fields. He'd play his harp before the king. No matter where he was, private or performance, he did it as worship unto the Lord, and he was a man after God's own heart.


So I sat back and watched.

Music as a ministry and music as an industry.

I notice that some have been lost in the industry.

I notice that some have been lost in the ministry.

But I must say: its the most lovely thing to find someone who isn't lost in either of those things but rather, that they are lost in Jesus.
Its such a struggle of pride no matter where anyone goes.
No matter what you're interested in or what you want to do with your life, there is a WHOLE SET of pride issues that you need to fight if you want to do it souly for the Lord.



Those are things to think about.

God's reeally been humbling me lately. Its kind of a mix of humiliation and just testing my faith some more. I don't usually like to give satan a lot of credit for whats going on because usually alot of it stems from my own sinful nature and the crap that God has been bringing up and out of me lately but... I've definitely felt like I'm hated by the enemy. I'm reading the Screwtape Letters for the first time, (and ha! it LOOKS like a fast read, but its really not, especially if God's reading it with you. Its a LOT to take in and think about.) and I'm just noticing all of the pitfalls I fall into on a REGULAR basis. Fantasizing being one of them. I'm prone to think about what COULD be when to be honest I'm spending THIS MOMENT living in a NOT guaranteed future. Its a dormant waste of life! Or how about distractions? I'm terribly distracted all the time. The only time I'm almost completely focused is when, well, I'm completely focused like right now. When I write, it drives me nuts when someone is right next to me or even in the same room as me. I HAVE to be by myself. But if something is deliberately being a distraction to me, it freaking annoys me. BUT if its not obvious, it slowly attracts my attention away and before I know it, I've lost all focus on my original focal point all together!

I HATE that!

Why? Because that is exactly how I turn from God. That is exactly how I lose focus on Jesus. Every day I fight to re GAIN focus on Jesus. If I don't meet Him every couple of hours, I'm a gonner and I totally forget Him all together.

I hate that about myself.

Its how Jesus humbles me. I see it and I hate it. But He loves me anyway. That blows me away, folks. It should blow you away too.

He sees the depths of my heart and He loves me the same... He is amazing God.
Its a test of my faith to fight it. But I think God is testing my mind. He says He tests the minds.

"But I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give each man according to his ways, according the results of his deeds." - Jeremiah 17:10

Hmm...


so I wrote a new song. It needs some refining, but you know? So does everything in life. Ask me some time to sing it for you.

To Live what One Sings
By Sarah F. G-------
6/10/08-6/12/08

Verse 1
I remember having high hopes for my life
I could look out and almost see myself in flight
And now I sit here on this floor
As I find the depth of life is so much more

Pre-Chorus
It's praying and it's waiting on the Lord
It’s moving and it’s seeing by His word

Verse 2
There are many who’ve answered Your call
So why do I feel so alone, left to weigh out it all
I look down through my tears
And I see my legs are broken, and that I’m facing my fears

Chorus1
And now I find myself in Your heart
Starting to see things the way You are
I now that You found me, I know
That to lose myself in You, I must let go


Verse 3
I feel like I’ve just left boot camp
I don’t feel like a loser, but sure don’t feel like a champ
I morn the loss of familiar ways
But I’m following God, and he’s not there anymore
He’s on to a brand new day


Chorus 2
And I’ll find myself where You are
As I see things the way You are
I’ll press on to all that is new
I’ll go through it all to see that I grew
I grew in You

Bridge
I’ve built a callous to all the pain
And the first time I’m way, I realize all I have to gain
My little hurts all come out of hiding
Each one met with mercy and healing – I’m healing

Pre-Chorus
I see that praying and waiting on the Lord,
Is what moves me to live by His word…

Chorus 3
And I find myself wrapped in Your arms
No counterfeit could touch Your part
As I allow You to make me whole
My life matters less and You matter more…

++++++++++++++++++

Well, I hope you guys are growing as much as I am. Its the worst, most wonderful thing in the world to be doing all the time.

But alas, it is time for my departure.

So be blessed and find Jesus as your complete joy. He never changes. That is exciting!


:)

God is exciting.

a Jesus generation

I've decided we're not real enough with anyone.


I've decided that we're really high on ourselves a LOT. I wish people would see this because I think a lot of the time the older generation of Church is so focused on trying to be righteous before God that they forget that the younger generation needs direction too.


You can't just force something to be when its not! Its a process to get to a place of such perversion, its going to be a process to become right before God!


Just because you're doing a great job doesn't mean others know how too!


I think the Church assumes that young people are just going to pick up on this, but the problem is that we tell people what NOT to do, and oops! We forgot to tell them what we're actual human beings too. So we're fakers. We brush things under a rug and either rape grace for what its worth OR pretend that we're not struggling at all.


Then you've got these young people who see right through it and want nothing to do with it because no one's really willing to

a. keep it real and admit that no matter how old you are, you struggle.


and


b. remember where you came from.



I know, a lot of people say, "yeah, but I'm forgiven for that and thats in the past. So lets forget about it."


Yes, you may be forgiven, but don't think God doesn't want to use that! Your biggest hurt, your biggest struggle, your biggest regret, IS your greatest ministry to people.


They need to know that even the most christianeze people struggle with every day things.

Its the only way people relate!


Its the way Jesus relates to us.

Don't think for one moment that Jesus was never sexually tempted, or that He never had steamy thought run through His head.

You know what made Him perfect? He knew how to grab it and cast it at God's feet, taking every thought captive and choosing to not dwell on those things.


He saw the bigger picture, so it wasn't a match for what His purpose was on the earth. But the point is that there is NOTHING that He hasn't had to deal with.


He was transparent with His guys. He taught based on how He knew people would understand.


Of COURSE He understood why He was there and what He was about to do, but no one ELSE did, so He taught on the terms that they would understand: Stories.


Thats how we should teach as the Church: we need to teach in a way that not only grasps people's attention, but also create personal relation between the story of the cross and the heart of the person.

We can't just expect people to be attracted to something they're not attracted to.


You know what the most timeless thing that will attract anyone in the world at any given time in the history or future?



Love.



simple as that.

They will know us by our love.


If you have it in your heart, it'll come out in all you do.



Love.



The more Love you have, the more people you'll attract.



The more God you have, the more you have Love.



The more you really love people, the more you'll upset your invironment and circle of influence - not negatively, but spiritually.



Seeds are planted, hearts are stired, minds are wreeling.

Curiosity sets in, questions are asked, you let the Son shine.

A passion is awakened, a respect is gained, more thoughts are stired.



its about meeting people where they are, not afraid to get your hands dirty, though wise enough not to allow your heart to be palluted.



Jesus gave His hand to the prostitute to lift her up.

He spit in the sand and put mud on a blind man's eyes.

He called a tax collector to be His companion.

He spent His time with a sailor with a big mouth.

They didn't influence Him, rather, they walked away, never to be the same.


Why? Because He truly loved them.


Not because He talorated their sin, but because He loved their heart.

Because of that, they walked away from their sins.

They followed Jesus.



The generation of today will walk away from their sins if the Church will love them enough to LOVE them like Jesus. To know them like Jesus. To show them grace like Jesus.



Are we up to it?





I gotta say:





we're not doing it if we're on myspace 24/7.

or when we're taking stupid surveys.

or when we're pining over who's our next crush.

or when we're gossiping with our friends.

or when we're writing a blog a day.

or when we're taking pictures of ourselves all the time.

or when we're busy gratifying our laziness.

what an oxymoron.



I write this because I'm doing it. I'm going to do it. I have been doing it.





And I'm writing this to challenge you:



How many people have you witnessed to about what God's doing in your life in the last week?

In the last month?

since the start of the new year?



Now think of how many people you have contact with a day.



Are you doing your part in being the church?


Are you loving people?


Are you worshipping God loudly with your life?


Or are you too busy loving yourself?


And is that love at all? Because that sounds like selfcenteredness to me.


And I gotta tell ya,


faith without love?







Its noise.



Its loud loud noise.








"You can fake a lot of things, but you can't fake the fruit of your life."