Confessions of an Awkward Snow White

Dear Lord.

This is how half of my journal entries begin.  The other half choose different names for God.

"First can I tell You that I'm so tired of this needing to be brought before You over and over again?
Yet, I apologize because your Spirit softly rebukes my heart, "How can you measure where you feel you should be right now?  To what do you compare?  I the Lord judge the hearts of man.  Release it again."
God told me not long ago that He wasn't a girlfriend. He is God, and His friendship requires that I bring everything - over and over again - before Him even when I feel like 'I should be done with this by now.'" - 11-4-11

This is the nature of my personal journal - deep thinking, honest - God honest  - rawish material of a processing heart.

The reason why I shared a small excerpt from my personal thoughts before the Lord is simple:  this is where I was a year ago.  I was stuck, and the Lord was encouraging me forward to be faithful and persistent in the rut.  What I didn't know was that come the new year, the Lord would be launching me into a season of unwrapping.

The gift?  Myself.

Sound self centered?  Nope.  Quite the contrary.  Let me explain.

A Heart of Rest

Rest.

  Have you ever met anyone who was entirely chill with themselves?
You know, the kind of person who you instantly trust.  They don't have any fire walls or reservations.  You know without a lick of doubt that who they are in front of you is who they are.  There is nothing to prove.  There's no need to prove it if there was.  They may not even know themselves fully (then again, can you ever, really?) but they're okay with that because to the extent that they do know themselves, they are at rest with it.
  This idea of being "at rest" becomes more distinct if we add a new factor to the mix; Sex.

Sex: the differences between whether that person is male or female.
Suddenly, it becomes a little more personal.  A man who is at rest within himself reflects the glory of true masculinity.  Likewise, a woman at rest with herself mirrors the truest forms of femininity.  And, clearly a person at peace with who they are is considered beautiful, even within society's standards.  Not for any outward reason, of course.  But for the very fact that who they are draws forth who we dream -  even long to be.  You don't just want to be a man, you want to be a picture of masculinity with purpose and vision attached to it.  You want to be someone worth following.  I as a woman don't just want to be girly, (or NOT girly, for some) I long to be accepted within all the attributes of my feminine being.  Neither sex desires to be shamed for what they desire to be.

hearts are pounding.

She's on to something.

  Now add God into this bag of stirring thoughts.
No, no.  Not the God you think I'm talking about.  Get your version or your perceived idea of who God is out of your head.  He's bigger than your mind.  He's bigger than mine.  We think we've got HIM down?
He's got all men, all women, all children - every heart, every hair, every thought - from the beginning of time until its end - memorized and He calls each person by name.  People are always telling God who He is. Those who say they're His, those who say they're not.  All of the people in between.  But only He would know.  And how could we ever?  We're like a breath and we're like a vapor.  We're here and then gone just as quick as we inhale and exhale.
  Yet...
not only does this God take the constant scrutiny and speculation of people who lack experience of truly knowing Him fully, (and that counts for those of us who're working on a lifetime of knowledge) and not only can our accusations of His character not effect who He knows and shows Himself to be, (Um hey.  One of His names is the Prince of Peace.  Eh?)  He also takes care in fashioning us in a way that makes us long for something beyond ourselves.

Nothing material.

Just simple.

Rest.  Peace.  Trust.  Child-like and worry-freedness.
"Those were the days," some of us reminisce.
"Oh, to be young again," some of us even say.

Its a familiar ache inside our worn and battered hearts that never quite goes away.

  I've been pondering this thought for over a month now.
I'm 23.  I'm young enough that I've "still got time", but old enough to know that my time is quickly flying by, (or is that me?)  If I'm wise enough, I would also know that time is too heavy of a responsibility and it isn't mine to hold; AND that I shouldn't waste it, especially if it isn't mine.
If I know the word of God, I know THE time is drawing near and IS here and that one hesitation of living in it fully (disobedience, ultimately) could reroute me into taking the longer way OR could result in me living a life lesser than God's best for me.
What is God's best for me?
Knowing mercy.
Walking in grace.
Knowing true Love and real kindness.
Living an abundant life.
Knowledge of my identity in Him.
Rest.
Peace.
Walking by faith.
Partnering with Him in His glorious plan to restore whole beauty to the earth, starting with these stubborn creations of His called humans.
Yet He calls them to be a people after His own heart.

I call humanity stubborn because they know the stories yet they refuse the truth.  They refuse the truth because its too good to be true.  Things that are too good to be true are rendered as fairy tales.
Yes.
Fairy tales.
And fairy tales? 
Those are for children.

 But isn't it the children we are jealous of, what with their free-spirits and child-like faith that everything will turn out okay?

Notice I didn't use  the word "envy".  For envy is something that isn't ours that we wish we had.
"Jealousy" on the other hand is something that SHOULD be ours, and isn't at the moment.

Thus says the LORD: "Stand by the roads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls. But they said, 'We will not walk in it.' -Jeremiah 6:16

Stubborn, that is what we are.  I imagine humanity as a 13 year old teenager who, no matter what the parent says, will indeed choose the opposing side - even if what the parent is saying is entirely right and beneficial and could EVEN possibly appeal to the youngster.
Its the nature of the beast.  We want what we want.  And we naturally don't want God.
Naturally.  Supernaturally on the other hand means its a miracle - and that's where salvation comes into play.

  At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will.   All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.   Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  - Matthew 11:25-30 (emphasis added)

So we know that we can only know the Father IF Jesus decides to reveal Him.  How does this tie into rest?  What IS that?  Well. Jesus says to learn from Him because He is gentle and lowly in heart.
 FYI, there is no one so low that Jesus cannot serve.  And, He's gentle with OUR hearts, because He's lowly in His. Jesus ALSO said in John 14:9 that whoever has seen Jesus has seen the Father. Oh.  So that means that God the Father is  gentle and lowly in heart too.

 For me, rest for my soul means - knowing who I am, being at peace with it and being free to just... be me.  -Free from the weight of time, free from worrying about what I will wear, what I will eat, what I will drink, where I will live.... and actually dreaming big again.  And:  not only dreaming big, but WITH GOD'S help, LIVING the dream I was meant for.  HIS dream for me.  Does this mean I stop my 9-5 day job? Maybe not.  But maybe yes.  Does this mean I let go of my adult responsibilities?  No.  I believe we're to be people of excellence.  But this MAY mean I stop taking responsibility for other people's lives and just start really living my own.

When I focus on trying to do this myself, I am filled with stress and anxiety.  I overload and overwhelm myself with the responsibility of "finding myself."

BUT:  there is another way. The better way. And in fact, its the only way that isn't generic or counterfeit.

Dear friends, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when He appears we shall be like Him, because we shall see Him as He is. -1 John 3:2 (emphasis added)

This scripture shows us 2 truths.  The first is that at the point of Christ's return, we will see who He is fully, and we shall reflect HIS beauty fully the way the Holy Spirit has been faithfully preparing us to do since we first believed.
The second is this; to the extent that we know Jesus and see His heart, we are able to know ourselves and our identity in Him because we are made to reflect His beauty.

So:  WHEN I focus on myself and try desperately to know who I am apart from God, I only cause more turmoil in my life.  I make it hard for myself.  AND, even the end result is but a shadow - not even a reflection - of what I could know about myself.

But if I focus on Jesus - if I become a student of His heart - not even just of His words - I can know the God of the Bible.  I can know the WHOLE story of His wrath on evil, His heart of mercy and His desire to show grace to those who seek it.  If I dare to know this massive heart of His for our very obstinate human race, and even may I venture to say His heart for a little soul like me, it is very likely that not only will my unmet needs for feeling "special" and "picked first" (within the vast population) be met, I may also begin to believe that I in fact was meant to grow forth into greatness and radiance.  I was meant for such a time as this.

And so are you.

All of sudden - this 23 year old heart holding with tender sentiment all those fairy tales deep inside, is beginning to LIVE the fairy tale, instead of just dreaming about it.  Not because I have a man in my life.  Not because I have the dream job or the dream lifestyle.  Not because of ANYthing material.

I'm living the fairy tale because I'm being transformed from a pauper to a prince by love.
I'm the Cinderella the prince scours the kingdom for.
I'm the Sleeping Beauty who was fought for and loved back to life.
I'm the Little Mermaid who has a winning heart even without her song.
I'm the Jasmine who can stare down the face of evil and speak her heart, mind and truth in boldness.
I'm the Belle who finds a heart of gold in the brutes and beasts when everyone else holds their pitchforks and guns.
I'm the Marian who's spirit burns with adventure for humility, mercy and justice and loves the outcast's heart.
I was made Snow White and called the fairest among maidens even though I am dark.

Those are my stories.

What are yours?

Who are you?

Why settle?

Why settle at all?

Oh Lovely Spring

On my way home from work this morning at a bright and early 7:30, I found myself driving into the early morning sun.
Still chilly enough to see my breath, there's just something about a spring morning and watching the sun rise.

I drive by nearly 20 ponds before I actually pull into my driveway and what I encountered on my way was nothing less than spectacular!

Cold sunbeams shooting through the budding trees, glowing frost coating overgrown, green grass, and a draping mist hovering in mid air over every pond I passed made my drive back like I had entered into a dewy silhouette of a dream.

Spring is not my favorite time of the year, but God is challenging me to take a look again, and allow each season to be my favorite season as they come.  I have a hard time with this, as this idea parallels the spiritual seasons of my life.
I like my FAVORITE seasons, and THATS IT.  But in this new idea, my heart is awakening as though I had been asleep, and I'm beginning to recognize the beauty of the now.

I feel like the season I'm in is the rainy part of spring.  It just keeps raining and raining and raining.  And just like Cleveland, right when you think the sun is going to STAY out, it rains again.  And I always think , "we should know this by now... its still spring, its still going to keep raining.  Its useless hoping for anything other than what this season brings."
Coincidentally, that is the response of my own heart towards the place that I'm in right now.
But this morning God showed me something new.
Rain gives birth to life.
The beauty of Spring is that after the rain comes, a miraculous thing happens - what was still and dormant has suddenly blossomed into vibrant life.
The romance and the mystery that the sun illuminated in my tiny corner of the world this morning spoke volumes to my heart today as the Sonshine in my own life begins to reveal what, (in His time) overnight, would create a lovely view for everyone else to see as He warms up the places that must be frozen for a time.

What a truly blissful thought.  :)

- Sarah

Warrior Dancer is Presented with Destiny.

I have got to say, (and I know that this may even sound slightly dramatic, but stick with me) turning twenty-one was a huge milestone for me in the spirit.

Hah. Like the way I start my entry off? With a big, resounding, weighty statement.

Its true.

I have this journal. It was given to me the Christmas before I turned 18. I had seen it previously at a book store and thought to myself the moment I saw it, "THAT is the ONE."
THEN... I looked at the price and my following thought was, "That is NOT the one."

I remember my shoulders slouching. It was def. disappointing.

Then, I received a special gift from a friend I didn't expect a gift from: It was the exact journal, color and all. She had said she felt led to give it to me by the Lord.

When I saw it I thought to myself, "This journal will get me from my 18th year to my 21st year. I just KNOW it."

And I knew that, starting that lovely, genuine-leather-bound book, I was starting a special phase in my life. I titled my 7th journal, "My Story" and I knew it would be just that: a story.

And it was. I am so surprised what that journal reveals about my growth in the Lord. Its a very precious thing.

But... come my birthday, I was 2 pages away from being done. And I want to share with any of my fellow believers and also my readers what the Lord very specifically did to make my birthday a milestone in the spirit.

My birthday was quite uneventful. I didn't even get carded when I ordered a glass of wine with my lovely dinner with my parents!!!!

But, in the afternoon, I decided I was going to splurge my time and sit down and watch the movie rendition of Lord of the Ring's Return of the King.

About half way through the movie, Aragorn, heir to the throne of Gondor, is presented with the King's sword - the sword that defeated evil once, and would defeat evil again. The sword has a distinct symbolism of Aragorn's destiny. Elron, lord of the elves who had been at the first battle when the sword had been shattered, had welded it back together and came to Aragorn with it.

The scene is that Elron approaches Aragorn and holds out the sword with both hands. He tells him, "the time has come".

Aragorn hesitates for only a moment before he reaches for the sword and pulls it swiftly out of its sheath and its in that second Aragorn chooses to step into his destiny as King. And he COULD choose NOT to... but really, he's at a point of no return. The way to move is forward. Its inevitable that He would move into that role, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

See, because there's no turning back. He might have turned back when he met the hobbits for the first time and knew that they were being followed by Evil. He might of chosen to leave when he got them to the Elves in Rivendale. But he didn't. THAT is when He could have chosen a different way. But the presentation on the sword only came when it was clear He was too far in - and he was sold to seeing this through.

So. Thursday, the day after my birthday, I'm at the house of prayer and I'm being stirred to intercede for Cleveland. Thinking about Psalm 93 - Holiness adorns Your temple, Oh Lord, forever.
I was stirred deeply and thus made a painting of a tsunami wave of the Spirit and of Life and of Fire about to crash down on 4 main "temples". Individual hearts, Households, The Churches and the City. The second set began at 10, and within about 20 minutes of the set beginning, Carol (one of our night watch prayer-warriors) comes to me, gives me her usual, joyful hug and as I pull away, she says, "I HAVE something for you... for Your birthday!" with a twinkle in her eye.

She then pulls out a pair of worship flags and presents them to me with both hands. Now... this is not the first time I have received a worship flag. I'm a firm believer that God equips the one's He calls. The first time I was given a flag, it was by someone I had never met before and the Lord very specifically told her to give me a specific worship flag - an "angels wing" of sheen purple. Prophetic colors are important - and this color means, "Royalty". My name, Sarah, means princess. Flags are for designating tribes, etc etc. If you lose your place, look for the flag, and go back to your place. A flag bearer, then, is one who holds up their identity high, and mightily, especially in times of war.

The flags Carol gave me are a sheer and glimmering white, and the one is bordered on either side in blue - with a Star of David on the front. When Carol unrolled it for me to see the star, the Spirit nudged me and I thought, "This means war."

And it was then that I knew - I'm a warrior in the spirit, and when I dance, I break down barriers, shatter strongholds and dance upon injustice - my dance is a prophetic gift just as my "painting pictures" is, or singing over people etc etc.

And The Lord gave me a picture of 2 armies going out to meet one another in a massive field. The adversary was already in place. The other side was the army of the Lord. People and angels of fall sizes and ranks. They were marching forward to take their place. But about 100 paces forward, there was a dancer. She was in a white dress with a flowing skirt, and she had a sash of red and blue - red symbolizing Salvation, and therefore, grace. And Blue symbolizing the Spirit like water - being baptized thereof. And she had 2 multi-colored streamers that were like smooth rainbows. And she was whirling and leaping and twirling about and her sash of blue and red would sometimes look purple - which symbolizes her identity and her rank. She is clearly a child of God. And her dance was very clearly a war dance. And Joy surrounded it in such a way that you knew who's army she was apart of and you also knew which army would win. It was a victory dance. And it was intense and strong and very very mighty.

She was the only dancer in that part. But the message is that she is not the only one in the body of Christ. But for this vision, she was set apart to designate her specific role. She was alone. She was closer to the enemy. She was on the very forefront. She saw it clearer then the army did. And? She was not afraid. In fact - the enemy could not, by spiritual law, shoot at her. She was under protection. The enemy could not touch her. It had no leeway to do so. She seemed to dance in the confidence of that protection. Her protection was peace. She was not worried or afraid. She was light and free.

THAT calling - that destiny - that place ... in the spirit, Is mine.

And I'm blown away at the privilege I have to be given a position of a flag bearer and a dancer.

Does that really change how I look in the physical? Nah. :) I'm doin the same stuff I know I'm supposed to. But I'm entirely overjoyed at the clear direction and placing I have in the army of the Lord for this season and time of my life. I don't quite know what it'll look like, but I think that's why I have a new journal - so I can record it all as I figure it out and go along. :)


Anyway. that's about it. I know this was a particularly long blog, but nevertheless, a thorough one at that.

Blessings - Sarah

She, with unveiled face...

Yes, It has been a while since I've written my thoughts out for the world ... the small of the world that I reach, that is. Be as it may, the Lord is moving in me like I've never experienced before.

I will say I'm GROWING.

I'm frustrated with the amount of flaw I see in myself because I'm trying so hard, and THEN I'm OFFENDED in my little heart when others SAY they see my flaws too.
hah! What can you do? I can't win for losing, it seems. like I said. I'm still growing.

Dreams.

Desires.

Longings of the Heart.

These are things I'm being faced with in my walk with the Lord as of late, and whats funny is that YES! I am being FACED with them.

I am finding myself in a place where the Lord has brought out all of my most precious desires, dreams, longings. The things that are dearest to my soul - he's brought them out from behind lock and key and is holding them out for me to see. But for me, be what it may seem to everyone around me, to look at these things cause a great deal of pain in my life. For a few weeks I stood before the Lord and pointed my little finger in the air and denied them as ever having been my own.

But that doesn't deter the Father. His hand still held them before me.
Of course, there is no way that I would be able to deny Him for long, since He KNOWS me. AND - I know me. This whole denial thing is pointless, really. So we move on in the process. I admit that yes, those ARE indeed my desires. But the acknowledgment of those desires does something for me that I wasn't necessarily expecting: They become real and quite tangible to me. Those aren't JUST the deepest desires of my heart.... THEY ARE the deepest things of my heart - and I want it all desperately.

Which sucks. Because I've been pretty good at being strong about this for quite some time.

So this weekend, it hits its climax with the reality that - um - there's not a single notion of certain things that I desire, at all in front of me. And it was here in this place I found that my most precious sacrifice of love at this time in my life was to lay down all that I've ever longed for - before the Lord in humble submission.

Isn't that what being a follower is all about? Whatever the cost?

I could sit here and write about counting the cost of love to the Lord.
But that would be folly in the light of the price He has paid without batting an eyelash.
Its not about the cost anyway. Its about how great the Love.

I'm ... absolutely in love with the Lord. Hah! - I sit here thinking about what I DON'T have... but the truth is, I have it ALL, when I'm with Him. I'm not lacking a thing. And I'm glad to say that in all of my immaturity and in all the times I don't live up to my claim, Its His grace that allows me to be bold in my confidence and live with an unveiled radiance of freedom and glory.

His grace is the covering over all of my nakedness - all of my ugliest parts, still being worked out of me. Hah, and how Jesus loves us more than Noah's sons loved him and covered him!

I'm beginning to touch the surface of what real love might be. And what real love begins to look like towards others, when I've been loved sufficiently - His grace, being enough to perfect me in Him.

I've been writing a lot lately in my personal journals and a song kind of slipped out from somewhere inside. First time in probably 2 years, actually.
I'd love to share it with you - and also - KNOW that it is subject to be added to in the future. But for now, Here I GO.

Here I Go Again (revised)
by Sarah Faithy (as always) 11-2-09

Here I go again
and I'll direct my prayers by the point of my pen
and I don't even know who you are
But for you, dear One, my heart is set apart

I'm a garden enclosed
safe within the cleft of the rocks
I'm a mystery
I'll captivate you with one glance


This will be something beautiful
Oh the Love of God is powerful (wonderful)
Underneath the shadow in the secret place
that's where you'll find me - I will be waiting.

As I fall for the Lord
I find I'm beginning to love you more
and I don't even know your name
but I don't need convinced that you're worth the wait

My beloved and my friend
you are distinguished among ten thousand
make haste, my betrothed
be like a deer and leap over the mountains, into your garden

:)

A Conclusion, to Begin With....( :) what an oximoron!)

"I want what I can't have, but if I had what I can't have right NOW, it wouldn't be what I want."


Hm. I was talking to the Lord today in my car. For the first time in such a long time, I felt like I could just come before Him - nothing hindering. I think a lot of that has to do with final obedience in certain areas of my life where I finally surrender. There's places in my life that hold a certain shame over me and its like this vicious cycle. Shame. You feel like you then, can't deserve God's love. So you feel MORE shame. But then, you DON'T RECEIVE God's love at all because you don't feel worthy of it, and actually, in that whole process of not receiving, you're choosing pride because ultimately, not receiving God's love is saying that you don't NEED it. And if you don't receive it, you're choosing your own strength which IS pride - the very thing that began sin itself. So then I'm caught in this cycle of looking inward at myself and then I become self-centered and THAT is (probably not entirely accurate, but indirectly) the opposite of God-centered.


BUT! I was talking to the Lord in my car, this evening and I ultimately came to the conclusion which is my first sentence in this blog. And I think He chuckled at me for telling Him MY plans to be okay with HIS plans.
And yet, I felt so loved.
I have been recently mulling over the relationships that bring me delight and joy in my life and found myself trying to come to grips with the way God must enjoy me if I enjoy the people around me so much.
I find myself deeply enjoying the companionship of the friends God chooses to place into my life and then I wonder if that is how God enjoys me.

But then, I realize, I am human. I can't possibly know anything beyond myself and I'm just ONE PERSON. He made EVERY person which means that God has the capacity to know what every person feels like ALL at the SAME TIME and somehow STILL be able to handle it all without freaking out!!! So that would bring me back to thinking about how He loves me.
How He loves His Bride.
I am not going to lie. I just don't get it. I don't understand it. I don't see it. I don't see what He must see in me. How He could love me so much, find me so beautiful, to delight in me so much. I just can't see it.
But everything in me has no reason other then TO receive it. And I WANT to. But then I realize, I have a hard time just saying yes. I realize its a humbling experience for me. And how twisted right? That in order to humble myself, I have to choose to allow God to show me who HE sees me to be rather then the screw up I see in myself.
It just blows me away.

You know all those love songs that talk about how the girl takes the guy's breath away? How every part of Him longs for her and how he just couldn't live a moment without her?

Okay, so, I'm a cynical kind of person in my mind, and, I'd roll my eyes at it merely because I've been there and done that and talk is cheap. I have a hard time with that, sometimes. But the truth is - I want to BE that girl. I want to deserve to be that girl.
Avril Lavigne did this song a few years ago and the lyrics to this song resonated in my mind because... it spoke something huge.

I'm tuggin' at my hair, I'm pullin' at my clothes, I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows. I'm staring at my feet, My cheeks are turning red, And I'm searching for the words inside my head
'Cause I'm feeling nervous, Tryin' to be so perfect, 'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
If I could say what I want to say, I'd say I want to blow you--away, Be with you every night, Am I squeezing you too tight? If I could say what I want to see, I want to see you go down on one knee, Marry me today, Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say.

I'm not good enough for this guy, but I want to blow him away. This song? This song is the song of a girl the Lord loves. I want to blow Him away. But I'm so worried that I'm not worth it to Him because of how imperfect or how inadequate I feel and what I'm beginning to see is that God's love knows no bounds. I will never be able to understand it.

And... a truth is over me while I write this: He says I DO blow Him away. I want to SO BADLY, too!
God! I just want to blow away my future husband! I want to believe that even though I don't deserve him, that I'll end up with him in the long run, and here I am with this Love Story being played out. Jesus and Me. I blow Him away. I will never deserve Him. Yet He's made me worth it by sacrificing it all. If I DIDN'T receive His love, His sacrifice would be for nothing. I'd be dishonoring the only Man who truly deserved all honor which! Is NOT what my heart would EVER want to do.


But you know what ends up happening in the long run?

I end up being blown away.

For crying out loud I don't know what to do with myself.
I feel like a harlet learning that there's such a thing as love from lust!
You know, kind of like "Pretty Woman"? A prostitute and yet to him she is the most beautiful, worth-while woman on the planet.


So, tonight, while I was talking to the Lord in my car, for the first time in a while, I didn't feel like I was taking His time. I didn't feel like I talk too much. I didn't feel like I wasn't a good listener. I didn't feel like I just needed to shut up because God is tired of listening to me...
I felt heard.
Adored.
Cared for.


Do you know what crazy things people will do to feel those things?
sigh.

I worry so much.
I don't even realize I do until I see that actually, worry is tied to fear.
And I fear betrayal and no one standing for me, or protecting me. I guess, fighting for me.

But God is.
I know He is. I want to understand that He is. I want to submit myself to His leadership with all thats within me because I know that He is.

I was talking to some friends last night and the question came up about what makes a man a man and what makes a woman a woman.

Ultimately, the conclusion came to - a man is a man when he takes leadership in his relationships and in the things he pursues. But that he is taking that leaderships while following the leadership of the Lord.
AND, that a woman is a woman when she can take the lead when need be, but rather, can also submit to the leadership of those set over her with grace, and actually, that IN that, she IS a leader, by following the Lord's leadership in her life.

This is not to demean women or their place. THIS is a place where the heart enters before the Lord. A place of submission. I know that its a beautiful place because the Lord is showing me how to dwell there.
I like to think that I'm His woman, then.

:)


So really, here I am, still thinking about that conversation with the Lord.
At the end, I sat back, in my seat, in my drive way, and I felt a rest I've not felt in... aaah! So long. A peace - a freedom in sitting before Him.
And I simply said after a slightly exasperated, slightly frustrated-because-I'm-annoyed-with-myself-for-feeling-things-I-don't-exactly-want-to-feel sigh, "Thank you, Lord - for listening." And I felt so blessed. So unworthy - and yet so dearly loved. I knew I could talk to Him anytime.

This blog was too long. ;-P

read at your own risk.

Emerge Stage Right: The Shulamite

There are quite a bit of things that God has been revealing, lately. First, that its never about me and the purpose I feel I need to accomplish and fulfill. Its about Jesus and HIS purpose that I am even privileged to be apart of aiding to put into action.
Second, Jesus calls those He loves into the wilderness. Out of the comfy-cozy and into the outsiders zone. He invites us to die. And we ignore His invitations in our happy church settings. Jesus was an outsider. He loved those who hated Him. He loves those who hate Him. He loved those who hated His disciples. He loves those who hate His disciples.
His disciples are those who accept His invitation to die... again.

Heh. Jesus has been drawing me out into the extreme. He's been calling me to just be myself and stand and DO. But its not about me fulfilling my idea of His calling on my life!

Starting bound4life in medina was not exactly my idea of His calling on my life. BUT. Life is what He is. Life is what I have. Life is what I'll fight for.
But let me quote Ever After here, "But, life without Love... well, its no life at all." 1 Corinthians even says this in the 13th chapter. Love activates the Spiritual Gifts. Why? Because God is Love.

"Set me as a Seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm".

Love.

"Come back to me Oh backsliding children' declares the Lord, 'For I am married to you..." Jeremiah 3:14


You know, amidst the afflictions and the hurts, I believe that Jesus saved my family and I.

I believe that it hurts to pull away from something that has been apart of you for so long or so intimately.

But something I believe God did, at least in my own life, is that He pulled me away from the very thing that was hurting the way I looked at Jesus the most.

Mary, sister of Martha, was a chosen daughter, in love with Jesus. Rahab was a chosen daughter, humbly declaring her belief in God through actions.

Rebekah was chosen to be Isaac's wife through her servant-like heart.

I... I had been taught to be a Martha.

The moment giftings began to show, I was made to work in my brothers vineyards. I was thrown in right as I was spiritually old enough and that is all I ever knew. Yet my own garden I struggled to keep.

I am dark but lovely.

A rose of Sharon. A lily of the valleys. I could have withered away from too much sun and no watering of my own roots.


Jesus is showing me something rather valuable in my life. It is this:

He just wants to be with ME.


So my sister told me it couldn't hurt to look again, you know, being as I'm done with my "year" and all.

But it will hurt to look. I won't need to look if God makes His will obvious and in my face. Every time I look, I get burned.

"His left hand is under my head, his right arm embraces me. I charge you Oh daughters of Jerusalem, do not awaken or stir up love until it so pleases."


Jesus is my Beloved. There is none beside Him. Who else is there?

So something a friend of mine said has been sitting with me very solemnly.
"I count it a privilege to serve Jesus in this way" (this way meaning some grounds work.)

You know... it was a general update to many many people who have been waiting for from Him. But Jesus spoke to me through it. Jesus showed me the servant heart I need to pursue to be who He's waiting for. I know I've been trying, but truly, my heart struggles in getting down and dirty when I don't want to. And THAT is exactly where Jesus sees me most. When I don't want to and I'm flat out honest about it. But I DO want to want to! And so here goes the struggle of a woman's heart after God: Lord, I AM privileged to serve You in this way. This is my witness: they will know me by my Love.


"Little things done with great Love can change the world."


That is on a Vineyard church wall somewhere.

Little things.

One person at a time.

MULTITUDES.


Jesus TOUCHED multitudes, one person at a time. And this is the kicker: He was touchable. So He touched. He loved one person at a time. I am called to do this very thing. To love one person at a time.

And yet, before all of this, I am called to Love Jesus first.

This maze is not a test... its a journey. I just need to walk with Jesus through it; right by His side.


Jesus wants to spend time with me.

He LOVES me. I am His Shulamite. His harlot bride. The one who has lain with many men. I've given my heart away to the world over and over again, pursuing fleshly desires. AND I CONTINUE to DO so!!! YET! Yet; He pursues me. Draws me into the wilderness to speak words of comfort to me. And I will forget who I've become. I will remember that despite my prostitution He chose me - ME! To be His bride.

And I will sing as in the days of my youth. Before I gave myself away to the church and her ministries. Before I prioritized leading over following Jesus. BEFORE I was put on stage and BEFORE people saw my potential. Before, way back to when I was 12 and Jesus called me forward and said to me that if I really wanted to follow Him, I would need to lay down my little 12 year old pride. The kind of pride that stopped me from raising my hands. The kind of pride that chained me down from my dance. The kind of pride that rears its head, manifested in my so-called wisdom from years.

Right back to my 11 year old self... seeing Jesus as my own for the very first time. It is like THEN, that I will sing. Only much much more free.



It is in this wilderness that I cry with the most painful of tears and claim the most unspeakable joy. It is in this wilderness, Oh friends, That my love has been awakened, under an apple tree of mercy. In the arms of Grace.

Who else is there?


"My beauty is enough for you, Sarah."


And its true.


I once was a harlot. But now I am His Lover. I am His Bride. And I have been made white as snow, purified in fire - lips touched with coal.

In Christ, behold, the old has gone and the New is Come.

Chosen among virgins, I will fast and pray. And then I will put on my finest apparel - opening my garden wide - and come boldly before the throne.

There, I receive a scepter of grace.



I'm in Love.




You'll see me in pink again.

A Servent Girl - I'm my own Cinderella

so I have upgraded to blogger beta.... though it won't really change the way my blog looks as much as how it works for ME.

I don't even want to start with "my life is crazy", because I've said it too many times and have thus cliche'd it as such.

But what I DO want to say is something much more interesting: Jesus is Enough.

I've never felt so new before. I've never been so misconstrued in my life before. I've never dealt with the things I'm dealing with before.

I've never been so pressured about food and "maintaining" my weight, I've never felt so stressed about what I eating and whether I should eat or not, and I've never been so tempted to think I've gained a pound or two and all of a sudden, I'm struggling with the idea that I may be or may be getting fat.

Now, please don't inturperet this as if I actually am. I am merely saying that I've been pounded with this worry and I've never felt so obsessed before, though I am not admitting to actually obsessing.

I'm scared about myself.

I've thrusted myself into a work environement where the employees mumble f words and s words on a regular basis.

I'm working with non-believers here.

Then I'm still feeling so humbled about where God has me right now. He has me playing for the womens Bible study when I'm not a woman. I just.... I can't. I've not earned the title, on top of which, most women would probably agree that I have not, but Lord, I am yours I guess, and that is enough for me.

Sigh. and then there's singles awareness days.

Apperently its not bad enough that Valentine's day is in febuary, they had to create a smaller version of the same day half way through the year because lover's cant get enough of the holidays.

Stupid Sweetest day. I hate them. ...Oh, except for when my dad get's my mom flowers... then I love it for a few moments. But then there's that.

And then there's a feeling of never actually being able to hang out with the people I most want to hang with. sigh.

And then there's Me and God.

I need to remind myself that you all may feel me being a drama queen.

See... When I write, I am being completely honest about how I feel. I have heard before that I am more honest in my blogs and my journals then I am with people in person.

I guess I agree. Either we don't usually have time for investment, or... somehow, I feel more comfortable writing out what I am thinking because then it comes out the way I want to. I can never say the right thing.
Then of course, when I cannot, I feel like crying because my life is so....AHG. It must seriously HATE me.

then, there's God and me. I talk to him, but I'm almost afraid for him to talk to me. At this point I am not so sure He would be as loving as ... no... hm.

let me rephrase.

I am the most undeserving mess I have ever ever ever known. NOt only do I not deserve a loving word from God, I am afraid that I actually wont. I am afraid of being scolded and told about what a wreck I am, and this brings me back to my own tendency that... I feel I need to have my life together before I got to God, and I just... am so hurting right now. I am so broken right now.

Things I might get myself into or situations, I just CANNOT BE IN THE MIDDLE ANYMORE. I'm tired of being in the middle of dissagreements. I am TIRED of people fighting over me, or over situations with me. I just don't want to deal with it any more.

I just want to be loved, understood and committed to. I need someone to tell me that they will fight for me, and that I'm worth it to them. I need friends to assure me that even though I am a screw up, God cares about what happens in my life. That its OKAY to eat, that its OKAY to cry. That its OKAY to be weak and have no clue whats happening and ... that its okay to be angry sometimes.


Where's my Prince? Where did the time go that I was once a Princess who deserved a Prince Gentleman?

So why I am a dirty servent girl? What HAPPENED to me?! I just... wish I could deserve a mountain top experience once in a while. I wish I wasn't so hopeless like I truly am. I have such a ... dirty, black heart. I've seen myself and I don't think I can ever face Him again without being filled with shame. I am though. I am filled with shame.

Why would I want to share this with anyone? For the first time in my life, I have no desire to marry anyone. I could never ever let anyone see what it is I see... what it is God sees... because they would find I am far less then worth the fight, and I can't bear rejection. To think I was a princess and to find out I am merely a commoner...I feel like Danielle from Ever After: lowly and worthless... but enough pride to be a girl... a woman. But a prince... he finds her, he seeks her, he pursues her and finds that she IS his match in every way...But he thinks she is a princess. But then he finds that she is not. That she is, "just like them"... when she had planned to reveal that she WAS... and she was going to let him go, but he only confirmed her worst fear: she wasn't good enough for him. In fact... she had deceived herself into thinking she was a princess that she forgot for a little ammount of time the ugliness of herself, her status, her rung.

why would I want someone to find I wore a mask? No. I am glad I haven't talked to any guy in a while. I am ashamed of how I feel, and how I see myself. ...I haven't even talked about myself to God on the feeling that I would be so selfish. And yet, I believe my prayers have some worth to them... so I pray for those lost, that God has placed into my life, and those who I love dearly... and their teachers, and their parents and their bosses. And yet, I live myself a controdiction.


God, ... help me. I feel so tired, so weary, so.... helpless. But somehow I still know you'll come through even though I am avoiding you somehow... I'm afraid to go deep again. And all I want to do is weep.