Showing posts with label Child. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Child. Show all posts

A Heart of Rest


Rest.

  Have you ever met anyone who was entirely chill with themselves?
You know, the kind of person who you instantly trust.  They don't have any fire walls or reservations.  You know without a lick of doubt that who they are in front of you is who they are.  There is nothing to prove.  There's no need to prove it if there was.  They may not even know themselves fully (then again, can you ever, really?) but they're okay with that because to the extent that they do know themselves, they are at rest with it.
  This idea of being "at rest" becomes more distinct if we add a new factor to the mix; Sex.

Sex: the differences between whether that person is male or female.
Suddenly, it becomes a little more personal.  A man who is at rest within himself reflects the glory of true masculinity.  Likewise, a woman at rest with herself mirrors the truest forms of femininity.  And, clearly a person at peace with who they are is considered beautiful, even within society's standards.  Not for any outward reason, of course.  But for the very fact that who they are draws forth who we dream -  even long to be.  You don't just want to be a man, you want to be a picture of masculinity with purpose and vision attached to it.  You want to be someone worth following.  I as a woman don't just want to be girly, (or NOT girly, for some) I long to be accepted within all the attributes of my feminine being.  Neither sex desires to be shamed for what they desire to be.

hearts are pounding.

She's on to something.

  Now add God into this bag of stirring thoughts.
No, no.  Not the God you think I'm talking about.  Get your version or your perceived idea of who God is out of your head.  He's bigger than your mind.  He's bigger than mine.  We think we've got HIM down?
He's got all men, all women, all children - every heart, every hair, every thought - from the beginning of time until its end - memorized and He calls each person by name.  People are always telling God who He is. Those who say they're His, those who say they're not.  All of the people in between.  But only He would know.  And how could we ever?  We're like a breath and we're like a vapor.  We're here and then gone just as quick as we inhale and exhale.
  Yet...
not only does this God take the constant scrutiny and speculation of people who lack experience of truly knowing Him fully, (and that counts for those of us who're working on a lifetime of knowledge) and not only can our accusations of His character not effect who He knows and shows Himself to be, (Um hey.  One of His names is the Prince of Peace.  Eh?)  He also takes care in fashioning us in a way that makes us long for something beyond ourselves.

Nothing material.

Just simple.

Rest.  Peace.  Trust.  Child-like and worry-freedness.
"Those were the days," some of us reminisce.
"Oh, to be young again," some of us even say.

Its a familiar ache inside our worn and battered hearts that never quite goes away.

  I've been pondering this thought for over a month now.
I'm 23.  I'm young enough that I've "still got time", but old enough to know that my time is quickly flying by, (or is that me?)  If I'm wise enough, I would also know that time is too heavy of a responsibility and it isn't mine to hold; AND that I shouldn't waste it, especially if it isn't mine.
If I know the word of God, I know THE time is drawing near and IS here and that one hesitation of living in it fully (disobedience, ultimately) could reroute me into taking the longer way OR could result in me living a life lesser than God's best for me.
What is God's best for me?
Knowing mercy.
Walking in grace.
Knowing true Love and real kindness.
Living an abundant life.
Knowledge of my identity in Him.
Rest.
Peace.
Walking by faith.
Partnering with Him in His glorious plan to restore whole beauty to the earth, starting with these stubborn creations of His called humans.
Yet He calls them to be a people after His own heart.

I call humanity stubborn because they know the stories yet they refuse the truth.  They refuse the truth because its too good to be true.  Things that are too good to be true are rendered as fairy tales.
Yes.
Fairy tales.
And fairy tales? 
Those are for children.

 But isn't it the children we are jealous of, what with their free-spirits and child-like faith that everything will turn out okay?

Notice I didn't use  the word "envy".  For envy is something that isn't ours that we wish we had.
"Jealousy" on the other hand is something that SHOULD be ours, and isn't at the moment.


Thus says the LORD: "Stand by the roads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls. But they said, 'We will not walk in it.' -Jeremiah 6:16

Stubborn, that is what we are.  I imagine humanity as a 13 year old teenager who, no matter what the parent says, will indeed choose the opposing side - even if what the parent is saying is entirely right and beneficial and could EVEN possibly appeal to the youngster.
Its the nature of the beast.  We want what we want.  And we naturally don't want God.
Naturally.  Supernaturally on the other hand means its a miracle - and that's where salvation comes into play.


  At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will.   All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.   Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  - Matthew 11:25-30 (emphasis added)

So we know that we can only know the Father IF Jesus decides to reveal Him.  How does this tie into rest?  What IS that?  Well. Jesus says to learn from Him because He is gentle and lowly in heart.
 FYI, there is no one so low that Jesus cannot serve.  And, He's gentle with OUR hearts, because He's lowly in His. Jesus ALSO said in John 14:9 that whoever has seen Jesus has seen the Father. Oh.  So that means that God the Father is  gentle and lowly in heart too.

 For me, rest for my soul means - knowing who I am, being at peace with it and being free to just... be me.  -Free from the weight of time, free from worrying about what I will wear, what I will eat, what I will drink, where I will live.... and actually dreaming big again.  And:  not only dreaming big, but WITH GOD'S help, LIVING the dream I was meant for.  HIS dream for me.  Does this mean I stop my 9-5 day job? Maybe not.  But maybe yes.  Does this mean I let go of my adult responsibilities?  No.  I believe we're to be people of excellence.  But this MAY mean I stop taking responsibility for other people's lives and just start really living my own.

When I focus on trying to do this myself, I am filled with stress and anxiety.  I overload and overwhelm myself with the responsibility of "finding myself."

BUT:  there is another way. The better way. And in fact, its the only way that isn't generic or counterfeit.

Dear friends, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when He appears we shall be like Him, because we shall see Him as He is. -1 John 3:2 (emphasis added)

This scripture shows us 2 truths.  The first is that at the point of Christ's return, we will see who He is fully, and we shall reflect HIS beauty fully the way the Holy Spirit has been faithfully preparing us to do since we first believed.
The second is this; to the extent that we know Jesus and see His heart, we are able to know ourselves and our identity in Him because we are made to reflect His beauty.

So:  WHEN I focus on myself and try desperately to know who I am apart from God, I only cause more turmoil in my life.  I make it hard for myself.  AND, even the end result is but a shadow - not even a reflection - of what I could know about myself.

But if I focus on Jesus - if I become a student of His heart - not even just of His words - I can know the God of the Bible.  I can know the WHOLE story of His wrath on evil, His heart of mercy and His desire to show grace to those who seek it.  If I dare to know this massive heart of His for our very obstinate human race, and even may I venture to say His heart for a little soul like me, it is very likely that not only will my unmet needs for feeling "special" and "picked first" (within the vast population) be met, I may also begin to believe that I in fact was meant to grow forth into greatness and radiance.  I was meant for such a time as this.

And so are you.

All of sudden - this 23 year old heart holding with tender sentiment all those fairy tales deep inside, is beginning to LIVE the fairy tale, instead of just dreaming about it.  Not because I have a man in my life.  Not because I have the dream job or the dream lifestyle.  Not because of ANYthing material.

I'm living the fairy tale because I'm being transformed from a pauper to a prince by love.
I'm the Cinderella the prince scours the kingdom for.
I'm the Sleeping Beauty who was fought for and loved back to life.
I'm the Little Mermaid who has a winning heart even without her song.
I'm the Jasmine who can stare down the face of evil and speak her heart, mind and truth in boldness.
I'm the Belle who finds a heart of gold in the brutes and beasts when everyone else holds their pitchforks and guns.
I'm the Marian who's spirit burns with adventure for humility, mercy and justice and loves the outcast's heart.
I was made Snow White and called the fairest among maidens even though I am dark.

Those are my stories.

What are yours?

Who are you?

Why settle?

Why settle at all?





"I REFUSE!" .... is easier said then done sometimes.




thrusting forward to get to a place to go back.
Back to a place where when I first met Him
...
I believed Him.

I believed what He said. There was no question.
I saw the Lord. I spoke to Him with a simple understanding that if He was real, then so was I.

So what happened?

People hurt you deeply.

Circumstances grow you up. Sin grows you old.

Difficulty begins to define you instead of the Word.
I mean, after all, "difficulty meets me in the reality of the world."


I struggle with myself, consistently. Sometimes I'm okay, and other times I'm in a shambles. Its easy to get my heart turned towards the Lord and determine that "all that is mine is actually God's" when I don't have the numbers of my checking and savings accounts in front of me, after forking over hundreds in car repairs.

I'm struggling quite a bit actually. All this stuff is just running through my head, "what if I can't get my savings back up? what if I need money for ANOTHER emergency and I don't have any? I CAN'T get my savings back up right now! I reaaaally need to get it back up. What if I got married in 5 years? I don't have ANY MONEY set aside! How am I going to pay for the internship? I SHOULD have health insurance, but I just can't afford it. OH MY GOD. MY HOURS are friggen cut! How am I going to pull this off?" LOOPING OVER and OVER! And I have to stop myself and try to remind myself that God takes care of these things! But....


Okay... so, SARAH has been taking care of herself for a long time in this area. When Sarah needed to buy something, Sarah saved and planned and budgeted and worked. She was in control of all of this, and she was blessed.

But now? One thing after another and another and another. And it JUST KEEPS GOING!!!!!!!!! I've never felt so.... insignificant in all of my LIFE. I am SO responsible with my finances, how could this happen?

And so I'm struggling with the truth that - God is entirely in control. I need to take my place here - and that place has NOTHING to do with me being in control.
I just feel like a total failure and I have no idea how I'm going to regain all that I'd worked for.

But then..... Why did I work for it? What was I working for?

I don't know.
I definitely feel defeated.
And I understand that this is a VERY good thing, do not get me wrong!
In fact, I pray that a sweet lesson in humility is learned through all of this - and gained, a strengthening of faith.

I have no idea how I'm going to provide financially for myself, going forward.
But you know what?


This time - I need to let God cover that area of my life. Just because something that was entirely out of control happened, doesn't mean that I'm irresponsible or that God thinks I failed in what He gave me to take care of.
I KNOW this. - in my head.

But I REALLY need to know this in my heart, and I don't.
Its why I'm so upset about it.


Sigh.

you know? These were Sarah thoughts today. Nothing profound or intelligent. I just needed to write this out for myself.

Absence of Words... a glorious.... most torturous resort.




So there are both funny things and serious things going on in my mind right now. I guess I'll start with funny cause I want time to write about the stuff that is more thoughtful.


First!!! THIS is funny:

1. "I'm your biggest fann!!!!!!!1!1!1!!1111!!!!!ONE!!!11!!!!11!!!!one!!!!"

2. "OF COURSE I know enough about Hawaii to be a tour guide! “This is a beach. Flirt on it. This is the ocean. Flirt in it. Here are some palm trees. Flirt under them. This is your snazzy hotel room….I’ll let you two figure it out from here…That’ll be $10,000 plus a handsome tip.” And the rest I would just google a minute or two before the tour…" -MW

3. Its the Beaver's life for me... I just got damned things going on everywhere!
--my best friends grandma

4.Sharin: YOU are full of bologna, Sarah.
Sarah:....... no, *pause*...I'm full of guts!


5."Steak makes everything better. After all, if we're eating animals, then we're not eating people. And if we're not eating people... thats a good thing!" - Me (yes, I occasionally find myself funny)


6.I saw a man pursuing the horizon;
Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this;
I accosted the man.
"It is futile," I said,
"You can never -"
"You lie," he cried,
And ran on.
- Stephen Crane



7."...you may find me fat, but you will find me, very easily, you will find me." -- part of a poem out a cute "101 poems to get you through the day" sort of book I looked at in Barnes and Nobles

8.Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. - Miss Piggy



9. When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap. - Cynthia Heimel (not entirely what I would call funny, but since this seems to be the the theory of my life, I thought it fit well.)

10. I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Theresa (oh, to relate to the complaints in many of us. hehe. I chuckled at this one.)



And just so you know, many were copied and pasted. I wouldn't go through the trouble of writing these out here as my little coffee shop hang out will be closing soon. Some of these sayings seem to sum up my life and its pretty funny. What else can you do? Nothing. I'm probably one of the most awkward people I'll ever know. The grand part of all of this? Here's seriously the secret: I pretend like I MEAN to be awkward all the time so that it doesn't make any difference when I really DO feel absolutely awkward.


Misfit.

I've been thinking alot about this word lately.

I really am one, aren't I?
I mean, I've known this for quite a while. But I guess you get reminded when you're submitted into a new clan of people.

So I was talking to some girls about some of what I believe. I don't know, its great to hang out but you don't really know them until you get to.. well... know them.

I'm a misfit.

Hah, I was talking about how I think I may scare some guys in small group and I don't know but something was said that made me think a little.

Maybe I'm a "little too much for guys but you know, in a good way."

AHha. The age old phrase in my head. No one's ever actually said that to me, before now. Well, in no particular terms, I've been sort of told that all my life. I'm too much to handle (hello, and who gave anyone permission to handle me?) I've got too big of a personality, too big of a laugh. Too intense. Too bold. Too upfront. I give too much away of who I am.
I'm too deep sometimes. Too much. OR or, here's the other one, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough, not pretty enough not smart enough not womanly enough not girly enough not tomboyish enough just... not enough.
But mostly its that I'm too much.

Now I understand that God is just totally moving me around for which I am quite grateful! To not initiate everything all the time, including pursuing the desires I have for full time ministry.

I need to let God do it all in His time and I need to do what He has me to do NOW, and He'll bring the opportunity as it comes, but I'm not to MAKE it happen.

Too much though...

I know it wasn't meant to hurt me, but I guess it just hit me in a really deep place some where that goes back to the time where I was about 8... "Sarah, you laugh too much. AND really loud. Its just too much." hah, I remember that first "too much" very very well. I was 8 or 9. I'm nearly 20 and I still check myself to make sure I'm not laughing too much or too loud.

I KNOW that's not how God sees it, I really do! But this is just a different sort of thing. Its a place where, along with my difficult acceptance of being a misfit, has been something I've faced all my life.

Too much.



But then I'm filled with peace.


Right here, is where Jesus meets me.

He knew so much. He saw so much. He WAS too much for everyone to handle.
Who can handle God? No man.

He never fit in, in fact, He brought other misfits to fit in with Him.
Do you know - this is a hard concept for a child to get their head around. I was no exception. How do you tell your kid who can't make friends ANYwhere that God has called them to stick out? I'm not sure you can. My mom used to tell me all the time that I shouldn't try to fit in, but she didn't understand either when I cried and cried in her arms when I came home from an event.

I wonder if Jesus felt that way as a child. I wonder if He wondered if there was something wrong with Him? My childhood is a memory. I remember being brilliantly creative. I have since then become much more dull. But oh, I was a cool kid. I just wish I could have been able to come along myself really, the things I could tell myself! The hugs I would give... I would cry great tears as I held this child.

I wonder if thats why Jesus came. So that He could reach the misfits. I think thats it. I think I just hit it on the head. He became a man because He wanted to show us that - oh, the hugs He would give. Oh the great tears He cries as He holds each child. And then I wonder, even then did He hold me? Do His tears change for my age? I hope not. I think He knew who I'd become. And I think that's why He can love us no more then He already does - because He KNOWS us. When He knew me at 3, saying yes to Jesus in my baby voice, He knew the same me at 18, saying yes to Him again. When He knew my wholly romantic heart at 15, He knew me when I will be 56, fully enthralled, hopefully, in the Love of God.

The misfit, through and through.

I went to Ihop Cleveland last Saturday and 2 young women approached me and asked me if they could pray for me.

Then they began to speak of me being called to be a voice in the wilderness, making ready the people of God.
SLAM. My heart broke. That's it. That's why I'm here. I'm SUPPOSED to be on the outside.

Something else, as well here - People will be drawn to the wilderness because of who I am - the "too much" that apparently I have is exactly the thing God wants to use to draw people unto Himself.

The grand thing of it all? These girls told me that I need to remember though, that I can't worry about moving the hearts of man. Another slam. I knew this was for me.

I just need to worry about moving the Heart of God - because that is my greatest glory - His Love for me. And He'll do everything else.

God, thats AMAZING. You know? He DESIRES all that is too much for man, because it wasn't MEANT for man. It was meant for God - and all of a sudden, my "too much" becomes exactly His portion from me. Its all that He desires. Its enough for God.


crap, guys!




We've been getting wrong for so long!!

The Girl I Am...


I am the girl you'll first notice after the ... well.... 10th take.


I am the girl with the hefty laugh and the sunshine smile.

I am the girl who smiles with her eyes if she really smiles.

I am the girl who wish she liked sweats as much as jeans...but jeans are more comfortable.

I am the girl who will say she could care less about her hair, but spends 15 minutes blowdrying it because people say its pretty.

I am the girl who sits on her bed at night and contemplates her thoughts to God while stairing at her wall, but when seriously talking or listening, looks through the ceiling.

I am the girl who hides behind her grin well... but I am the girl who gives up trying to hide anything at all from those who care.

I am the girl who LOVES to rock out...but...

I am the girl who relates more to thoughtful music.

I am the girl who sees things colorful when everyone else see it gray, and I am the girl who sees things gray when everyone else sees them black and white.

I am a black and white kind of girl.

I am the girl whos first thought in the shower is, "Hey God..*pause* ... I love You too..."

I am the girl who writes letters to people who may never get them.

I am the girl who pours her soul out on paper.

I am short and perky, I suppose.

I am Blonde.

I am Wise because my Father in Heaven is Wise.

I am My Father's daughter...heh...

I am a friend of God.

I am a twinkling deep-blue-eyed soul.

I am Not always able to understand myself.

I am Understood by Jesus.

I am such a hopeful romantic that it drives my friends insane.

I am having a seriously hard time to typing out subtle lies about myself. But

I am More than just a conqueror.

I am screwed up without Jesus.

I am a cadillac girl.

I am a creative mind.

I am the kind of girl who loves more than she wishes to at times...but

I DO love, even when its hard.

I am a straight-up Jesus-girl.

I am saving my first kiss and my whole self for the man God has for me

I am struggling.

I am More than just a conqueror.

I am just as happy doing background work as I am in the front where everyone can see.

I am in love with the plan God has for my life.

I am in great desperation for God to keep me in my place.

I am the girl who feels rejected amidst admiring peers.

I am a loner in a lot of things

but

I am not afraid to point to God to share my heart.


I make so many mistakes, I could have a hard time living with myself.

but


I am NOT perfect.

I am the girl who cries over the memory of holding your hand.

I am the girl who gave up her childhood dream.

I know God will show me His dream for me.

I am the girl who cries with no tears.

I am the girl who writes songs about you that you'll never hear.

I am hurting.

I am dealing.

I am growing.

I am moving forward even though

I am the one who proposed the step back.

I love to talk to God out loud in my car.

I am not afraid to be real.

I am crazy, plain and simple.

I am fully convinced that you'd really go insane if you weren't crazy while living this life.

I am tired of feeling rejected.

but its okay.


I am turning 18 in a month.

I am becoming a woman I think I might become friends with.

I am so so so in love with my Savior, even when I have a difficult time to listen to HIM.

God, I'm so fricken screwed up.

God, "...thats okay."

I am a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor.

Who are you, Lord that you are mindful of me? Who are you Jesus, that you care for me?

God, "...I AM."


I am not...
God, "But I Am."

But I'm not...
God, "But I AM."

God, "You are beautiful, Dear One, because I AM.

You are more than just a conqueror because I AM.

You are My chosen child because I AM.

You are of royalty because I AM.

You are in Love with Me because I AM first in love with you.

You are hurting because I AM.

You are moving forward because I AM.

You gave up your dream, but I AM giving you the desires of your heart.

You love to rock out because I AM your Rock.

You are the girl with the hefty laugh and the sunshine smile because I AM your joy and I AM the Sonshine in your smile.

You have a twinkling deep-blue-eyed soul because I AM your breathe of life. You breathe My Spirit.

You are wise because I AM wise.

You are Loving because I AM Love.

You have my Heart because I AM not only in your heart, but you are in MY heart.

you are sensitive because I AM sensitive to all things.

You deal because I AM dealing with you.

You are real because, My dear Child, I AM REAL.

you are because I AM.

AND I AM YWHW. I AM that I AM.

and My Child... I AM in love with you."






And so...

I am His.

A Princess' Story - I Once was a Beast.

I don't know, guys... the things of this world SUCK. Because I fight them, Satan gives me STRUGGLE after bloody struggle. I use the word bloody because sometimes it feels like its seeping the life out of me.

I asked for it though... I was the one who asked God to test my faith, wasn't I? I was the one who looked Satan in the face and said, "bring it on."

But then I realized I am really nothing without my Jesus.

I am so so so human.

I have mean thoughts, I cuss at times, I yell, I don't do everything when I'm supposed to, I can be irresponsible and deceitful and I can be disrespectful.


Sometimes I wonder how some guy could love me.

I'm most scared that no one WOULD love me like my family does: ugly side and all.

I guess thats where the beauty of a love story comes in. The one of me and God, first of all. Then the one in which I would share the rest of my life with some OTHER imperfect being. THats why its so hard to believe God will ever give something so precious to me. It would have to be a God-thing for a love to hold two persons together in unity. Yet, he allowed me to have these dreams..

Welcome to the complete honesty of Sarah. A world that is packed full with sin, struggles and fights. Yet... she will be victorious... and that is because Jesus loved her enough to grab her hand and say, "Yes Child, you are nothing without me... But with me, we will conquere hell! Follow Me, daughter. I will give you life, and I will make you beautiful."

Suddenly, the Beast becomes a princess.