Confessions of an Awkward Snow White

Dear Lord.

This is how half of my journal entries begin.  The other half choose different names for God.

"First can I tell You that I'm so tired of this needing to be brought before You over and over again?
Yet, I apologize because your Spirit softly rebukes my heart, "How can you measure where you feel you should be right now?  To what do you compare?  I the Lord judge the hearts of man.  Release it again."
God told me not long ago that He wasn't a girlfriend. He is God, and His friendship requires that I bring everything - over and over again - before Him even when I feel like 'I should be done with this by now.'" - 11-4-11

This is the nature of my personal journal - deep thinking, honest - God honest  - rawish material of a processing heart.

The reason why I shared a small excerpt from my personal thoughts before the Lord is simple:  this is where I was a year ago.  I was stuck, and the Lord was encouraging me forward to be faithful and persistent in the rut.  What I didn't know was that come the new year, the Lord would be launching me into a season of unwrapping.

The gift?  Myself.

Sound self centered?  Nope.  Quite the contrary.  Let me explain.

A Pilgrim's Process

Have you ever been in a season of your life where NOTHING goes the way you planned and EVERY way you thought you would react is absolutely not the way you end up reacting?
Or how about the one where you don't just wrestle with God all night long - but for MONTHS long?
Or what about the season where you almost welcome the ugly truth at any cost, just so there's finally some absolutes in the muddled mess of chaos that seems to be all-encompassing in the brain and heart part of your life?

Add those 3 examples up and stir in a few more - and you've got the season I've been in for probably the last 2 months or so.

I've had more midnight encounters with the Lord in the last 5 months than I've had in my entire lifetime.
I remember asking God to inconvenience me if it meant losing sleep at night.  I didn't know that the answer to this prayer would be accompanied by the turmoil I've been facing in my heart these past few months.

In a nutshell, I've been facing the all-too-real fact that apart from God, I can do nothing that benefits me or anyone else.  Not only that,

I'm So Bored With Little Gods... 2 thoughts

When we tap our foot and our fingers and watch our clock while we wait on God... And when we subconsciously say and think towards Him, "whats taking so long? I don't have time for this! JUST TELL ME what I need to know and SHOW ME, NOW!" - and when we give up in impatience and think, "I guess I'm just going through a dry season...." - what if its then, that it becomes apparent we've set 'our' time as god over the Father who is neither bound by our man-made measures, nor must make a defense for His own perfect timing. How arrogant we are! How foolish, I am. I am at least a breath and at best a delusion! GRASS. That is what I am. BUT the Word of the Lord stands forever. The Word became flesh and is Truth to all who hear. He who has an ear, let him hear! [Psalm 62] & [Isaiah 40:3-8]

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God INVENTED time.  His timing is perfect.  And yet I am measuring out my time with Him - counting the minutes - counting the cost.  What if time measured, was completely removed and thus, could not be considered currency to be spent, sacrificed or counted?
What if all we HAD in life was time - and we never knew how much we had banked and only God worried about our portions; and when 'time' finally ran out, THAT is we became free to never worry about rationing out this precious entity again? 
What if our 'time spent' before the Lord was the only  place where cost never mattered?
Five minutes - five years.  Same difference in the Kingdom.  The point IS - you forget there even IS time.
And we live in the future, and we live in the past - ALL measured by time past, and time future in relation to time NOW.
One of the devil's greatest deceptions: that the time allotted to us is first OURS - and second, that the "could'ves", "would'ves" and "should'ves" coupled with the "what-if's" of the future, can be somehow recaptured or precaptured in the "Now".  In vain we believe this, and in that vanity, if we don't allow our paradigm to be completely changed by God, we will waste our lives.  We doom ourselves to never capture the divine moment of the "Now" of the Lord, where He is.  "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10) - This phrase becomes then, the very cry and the very profound reaching of a God who knows the frailty of man.  We really are just dust. (Psalm 103:14)

To know this, I am thus responsible to change.  I MUST be changed forever.  God is NOW.  So am I.  When we say we will be ruined in the glory of God and that we will waste our time to search Him out - truthfully, it is to offend the world's definitions and even our flesh's self-professed rights.  God's time is so different than ours, anyway.   I'm not sure I can really allow myself to wish I were doing anything else than what God has commissioned me to do right NOW, ever again. 

Man - I'm being completely ruined in this thought.  - in this new thing God has revealed in my heart.
Such a heart of man.
Mercy, Mercy, Mercy.
He raised His scepter of mercy and did not bestow on me the wrath that I deserve, and THEN - He clothed me in grace - favoring me and blessing me in all I put my hands to do to bring Him glory.
I need think for a while again.

Until I come up for air,
Sarah Faith