A Pilgrim's Process

Have you ever been in a season of your life where NOTHING goes the way you planned and EVERY way you thought you would react is absolutely not the way you end up reacting?
Or how about the one where you don't just wrestle with God all night long - but for MONTHS long?
Or what about the season where you almost welcome the ugly truth at any cost, just so there's finally some absolutes in the muddled mess of chaos that seems to be all-encompassing in the brain and heart part of your life?

Add those 3 examples up and stir in a few more - and you've got the season I've been in for probably the last 2 months or so.

I've had more midnight encounters with the Lord in the last 5 months than I've had in my entire lifetime.
I remember asking God to inconvenience me if it meant losing sleep at night.  I didn't know that the answer to this prayer would be accompanied by the turmoil I've been facing in my heart these past few months.

In a nutshell, I've been facing the all-too-real fact that apart from God, I can do nothing that benefits me or anyone else.  Not only that,

Dating and Marriage and Babies - OH MY!

Its unbelievable to me.  EVERY one is dating, marrying and having babies.  Its nuts.
It makes me wonder how God decides which people are going to find the right person and start their family right away and which people He kinda just...takes His time making anything happen in that arena of life.
I'm definitely not annoyed.  How can I be?  These people are my friends!  I'm so happy that God is moving in their lives and allowing it to grow and move forward.

But it definitely makes me wonder what God's ideal is for MY life.
Am I just... supposed to wait?  Am I supposed to GO?  And if I'm suppose to go, WHERE TO?

I'm coming to the end of my dream rope.  I don't really have any more dreams, honestly.  Whats so weird is that I always felt I was a big dreamer.  But I've noticed that the only dream I have is to be married and move forward in ministry with a husband.  Thats it.  Thats not even a BIG dream.  As I'm realizing, thats a NORMAL dream.  Unless you're me.  Because normal is all around me.  I, on the other hand seem to be the only abnormal human being out there.  Of course I'm not the only one!  I have a handful of friends who are in the same boat I'm in.  But here I am, 22 years old and I don't have any more dreams.  NADA.

WOW.  Nothing?!  Not even one?  Well I dream of being apart of something BIG!  But I have no clue what "big" means... or what "big" pertains to.

So John Wimber (founder of the Vineyard movement) shared once that he was struggling with why his ministry was only mediocre and without power and the Spirit spoke to him and said. "John, I see your ministry.  Now let Me show you Mine."

God's kinda whispering the same things to me.  "I see your dreams, Sarah.  Now let Me show you Mine."

But its been a process.  I've actually had to recognize and acknowledge that MY dreams for my life are NOT going to happen the way I thought.  I'm starting to let myself be okay with this.  And now the question is not, "God, why did You let this happen to me again?!?"  it becomes, "God...whats YOUR underlying plan in all of this?"  Its not, "God!  Why don't You see my dreams?" and it becomes, "God, when are You going to show me YOUR dreams for my life?"

Its a hard shift though.  The only way that God has been able to get me to let go of my childish, girlish dreams for love and romance is to show me that I can't accomplish them.  Ever, and especially on my own.  That in fact, once I open my clenching fists, I find that these little dreams disintegrated long ago and that I'm wasting time and energy trying to keep what was never mine to have.  God may have romance in mind... but its not the way I thought it would be.

Its a hard lesson to learn.  I'll tell you its true since it seems I'm still in the classroom retaking my test... again.

Its pretty surreal.
Friends marrying the "One" for them (and they KNOW that they know).  Having little ones that are practically mini-thems.  And I get to be Aunt "Waha".  I'm rewatching my parents younger years in my own life.  It wasn't so long ago that they were in the same place.  Twenty-two years goes by faster then I could imagine.  I just hope I'm not a waste of space here.  I need to know God is using my life for something important now if its not my time to have my own husband and children.
So many people say, "you're so young.  You've got so much time!"

I don't understand how they don't think that what they're saying is not only belittling of my feelings but also patronizing.

Yes, I'm young.  But I've been praying for my future husband since I was 12.  I've been actively waiting for this in my life for 10 years now.  I don't think thats a small feat.  I'm not an average girl.  Probably why this is so difficult for me.  I'm not even jealous!  I just feel so frustrated with the smallness of my life.
I'm trying so hard to be faithful.  When is God going to show up for me?  When will I begin to see the fruit of my investments into the Kingdom?  Doesn't God see me?

Of course He does.  I KNOW He does.  I'm in very constant connection with Him... though not as much as I ought.  But nevertheless, I cannot change  my feelings.
If this part of life isn't happening for me, what part is?  I'm determined to be okay with where I am, but its becoming increasingly difficult to be content when I don't even have a vision for my life beyond marriage.
What the heck is wrong with me? When did I stop dreaming and how do I start again?
What is my life amounting to?
Its great if others think I'm anointed to lead worship.  But its MY passion.  What HAS God anointed me to do?  Why am I not satisfied with just that?   OR is it that I need a fresh anointing - a renewed mind?
How do I get that?  How do I move out of this pit I'm stuck in?  How do I get my dance back?

A year ago God was moving my heart and giving me vision after vision for my life.
But - they're visions.  How do I live them out in real life?  And... where the heck is that dancer girl in me?
Where's the joy?  Where's the heaven-perspective?
I'm so hurt and I don't even know what to do to heal except for what I'm already doing: crying hard when it finds me and floods in.  Reading and meditating on the scriptures, especially on Jesus's words.  Focusing on my jobs and being busy with those, getting prayed for once in a while... and dealing with all the junk God keeps surfacing in my heart.  This is no glorious season for me.  I just said all of this and I still want to say, "I don't know what to say."

My heart is so restless.

Whats next?

Absence of Words... a glorious.... most torturous resort.

So there are both funny things and serious things going on in my mind right now. I guess I'll start with funny cause I want time to write about the stuff that is more thoughtful.


First!!! THIS is funny:

1. "I'm your biggest fann!!!!!!!1!1!1!!1111!!!!!ONE!!!11!!!!11!!!!one!!!!"

2. "OF COURSE I know enough about Hawaii to be a tour guide! “This is a beach. Flirt on it. This is the ocean. Flirt in it. Here are some palm trees. Flirt under them. This is your snazzy hotel room….I’ll let you two figure it out from here…That’ll be $10,000 plus a handsome tip.” And the rest I would just google a minute or two before the tour…" -MW

3. Its the Beaver's life for me... I just got damned things going on everywhere!
--my best friends grandma

4.Sharin: YOU are full of bologna, Sarah.
Sarah:....... no, *pause*...I'm full of guts!


5."Steak makes everything better. After all, if we're eating animals, then we're not eating people. And if we're not eating people... thats a good thing!" - Me (yes, I occasionally find myself funny)


6.I saw a man pursuing the horizon;
Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this;
I accosted the man.
"It is futile," I said,
"You can never -"
"You lie," he cried,
And ran on.
- Stephen Crane



7."...you may find me fat, but you will find me, very easily, you will find me." -- part of a poem out a cute "101 poems to get you through the day" sort of book I looked at in Barnes and Nobles

8.Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. - Miss Piggy



9. When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap. - Cynthia Heimel (not entirely what I would call funny, but since this seems to be the the theory of my life, I thought it fit well.)

10. I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Theresa (oh, to relate to the complaints in many of us. hehe. I chuckled at this one.)



And just so you know, many were copied and pasted. I wouldn't go through the trouble of writing these out here as my little coffee shop hang out will be closing soon. Some of these sayings seem to sum up my life and its pretty funny. What else can you do? Nothing. I'm probably one of the most awkward people I'll ever know. The grand part of all of this? Here's seriously the secret: I pretend like I MEAN to be awkward all the time so that it doesn't make any difference when I really DO feel absolutely awkward.


Misfit.

I've been thinking alot about this word lately.

I really am one, aren't I?
I mean, I've known this for quite a while. But I guess you get reminded when you're submitted into a new clan of people.

So I was talking to some girls about some of what I believe. I don't know, its great to hang out but you don't really know them until you get to.. well... know them.

I'm a misfit.

Hah, I was talking about how I think I may scare some guys in small group and I don't know but something was said that made me think a little.

Maybe I'm a "little too much for guys but you know, in a good way."

AHha. The age old phrase in my head. No one's ever actually said that to me, before now. Well, in no particular terms, I've been sort of told that all my life. I'm too much to handle (hello, and who gave anyone permission to handle me?) I've got too big of a personality, too big of a laugh. Too intense. Too bold. Too upfront. I give too much away of who I am.
I'm too deep sometimes. Too much. OR or, here's the other one, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough, not pretty enough not smart enough not womanly enough not girly enough not tomboyish enough just... not enough.
But mostly its that I'm too much.

Now I understand that God is just totally moving me around for which I am quite grateful! To not initiate everything all the time, including pursuing the desires I have for full time ministry.

I need to let God do it all in His time and I need to do what He has me to do NOW, and He'll bring the opportunity as it comes, but I'm not to MAKE it happen.

Too much though...

I know it wasn't meant to hurt me, but I guess it just hit me in a really deep place some where that goes back to the time where I was about 8... "Sarah, you laugh too much. AND really loud. Its just too much." hah, I remember that first "too much" very very well. I was 8 or 9. I'm nearly 20 and I still check myself to make sure I'm not laughing too much or too loud.

I KNOW that's not how God sees it, I really do! But this is just a different sort of thing. Its a place where, along with my difficult acceptance of being a misfit, has been something I've faced all my life.

Too much.



But then I'm filled with peace.


Right here, is where Jesus meets me.

He knew so much. He saw so much. He WAS too much for everyone to handle.
Who can handle God? No man.

He never fit in, in fact, He brought other misfits to fit in with Him.
Do you know - this is a hard concept for a child to get their head around. I was no exception. How do you tell your kid who can't make friends ANYwhere that God has called them to stick out? I'm not sure you can. My mom used to tell me all the time that I shouldn't try to fit in, but she didn't understand either when I cried and cried in her arms when I came home from an event.

I wonder if Jesus felt that way as a child. I wonder if He wondered if there was something wrong with Him? My childhood is a memory. I remember being brilliantly creative. I have since then become much more dull. But oh, I was a cool kid. I just wish I could have been able to come along myself really, the things I could tell myself! The hugs I would give... I would cry great tears as I held this child.

I wonder if thats why Jesus came. So that He could reach the misfits. I think thats it. I think I just hit it on the head. He became a man because He wanted to show us that - oh, the hugs He would give. Oh the great tears He cries as He holds each child. And then I wonder, even then did He hold me? Do His tears change for my age? I hope not. I think He knew who I'd become. And I think that's why He can love us no more then He already does - because He KNOWS us. When He knew me at 3, saying yes to Jesus in my baby voice, He knew the same me at 18, saying yes to Him again. When He knew my wholly romantic heart at 15, He knew me when I will be 56, fully enthralled, hopefully, in the Love of God.

The misfit, through and through.

I went to Ihop Cleveland last Saturday and 2 young women approached me and asked me if they could pray for me.

Then they began to speak of me being called to be a voice in the wilderness, making ready the people of God.
SLAM. My heart broke. That's it. That's why I'm here. I'm SUPPOSED to be on the outside.

Something else, as well here - People will be drawn to the wilderness because of who I am - the "too much" that apparently I have is exactly the thing God wants to use to draw people unto Himself.

The grand thing of it all? These girls told me that I need to remember though, that I can't worry about moving the hearts of man. Another slam. I knew this was for me.

I just need to worry about moving the Heart of God - because that is my greatest glory - His Love for me. And He'll do everything else.

God, thats AMAZING. You know? He DESIRES all that is too much for man, because it wasn't MEANT for man. It was meant for God - and all of a sudden, my "too much" becomes exactly His portion from me. Its all that He desires. Its enough for God.


crap, guys!




We've been getting wrong for so long!!

Get back to Jesus, Kids. Grow up.

I've been feeling meloncholy as of late. Not because I'm depressed or having a pity party, but because I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately.

I've been thinking about how religious so many people are. I've been thinking about how two-faced so many of the people I know have become. I've never thought I was two faced, but to be honest, I HAVEN'T been honest. I put on the "everything is okay in love and ministry" face and that was never right of me. Its NOT okay in love and ministry. Its WRONG when it goes against God's word. And its WRONG when it causes disunity between His believers. One thing that God has laid on my heart as of late is the unity God wants for His followers to have with one another. We will be known by our love for one another.

Interesting.


Another thing: True love is revealed when hard times come and when its hard to love the people you say you love.


I've realized quite a few things with this truth: FIRST, that if you ask God to show you how to love like He does, He WILL, and it won't look like what you thought. And SECOND, many people do not know how to love the way God does.

I never knew this until the last year of my life.

When people say they love you, they really don't know they do until they DECIDE to love you anyway and PROVE that love through their acts of love towards any said person.

It has been a deeply saddening realization that what I have suspected to be true is true. I often love people more then they will ever love me. My naivety is that I believe they love me back in the same way I love them.

Something that hurts me as I watch many of my peers is that to them, (and even to me, to a certain extent) love is conditional.

I'll love you only as long as things feel good.

I'll love you only if you agree with me ALL the time.

I'll love you as long as you don't hurt my feelings.

I'll love you as long as you stay away from the person I like.

I'll love you as long as YOU take responsibility for why our relationship didn't work out.

I'll love you IF.

IF, IF IF.


I HATE THE WORD IF IN THIS CONTEXT!!


its BS.


God NEVER used IF when He told us to love one another. He NEVER gave His people, His followers a choice - a preference.

I love you EVEN if I can't be your friend right now because I don't agree with you.

I'll only love you IF you continue to go to the same church.

IF you try to work things out (like they have the right in the first place to assume that you didn't.)

IF you'll sweep the issues under the carpet.

IF you'll suck it up and go back to the people who critisize you the most.

IF you match up to MY ideal of courage.

IF you do things MY WAY.


I'm sorry... when did God say IF when it came to the unity of His body?

"Now thumb, you only have to help the OTHER fingers IF they can cordinate to what you're trying to do. If they aren't quite as cordinated as you, you can just be limp."

"Now hands, you only have to put your hair up in a pony-tale IF it works the first time. If not, you can let your eyes and mouth deal with having it wave all in its face."


What


THE


FREAKING


heck, guys?




Since when did God give us permission to slander each other within the church walls.


Yes! the church walls.


Are we not TEMPLES of a Holy Spirit?


Whether we contain anger or bitterness and how it not only then DWELLS in your temple but will then COME OUT and be taken in by OTHER temples of a Holy God?


Church, GET ON YOUR FACE.


You are NOT exempt from Judgment! You WILL stand before a Holy God and account for every person you ever gossipped about - every thing you DIDN'T do. EVERYthing you did. Every Idle you chased after. Every man you laid with, Bride!

Each ONE of us is guilty!! So who are we to pass judgment on each other if it is nothing to do with encouraging one another to do the right thing or building up each other with positive rebukes and true love and fruit coming out of the way we show conCERN for each other?!


YES I'M UPSET!


I'm not HERE to feel comfy in this religion where we can answer all the right answers and pretend we've got it all together cause, you know, we're saints now.


NO.



We'd BETTER be on our face repenting before a Sovereign God and we'd better HOPE that we're one of the sheep when He is weeding us out because I can assure you, the harvest is nearing with each day we waste living the New and Revised 21st Century American Dream reading our new americanized, de-sexualized, watered-down versions of a Bible we only buy because the covers are cool.


Guys?


I'm a freaking, damned to Hell - SINNER.


The only thing that makes me different is God's Grace that, praise the Lord, is in the business of transforming my heart to be soft and more like Jesus.

Without that, I'm done-fore.


But just because someone writes a convicting blog where YOU ASSUME they're NOT doing what they say the church should do, doesn't mean that they're not doing it.


You don't know where they meet God alone in their room.

You don't know what kind of prayer they dive into for the people they dont even know.

You don't know if they obey God even down to the little "pick up that piece of paper"s.

You DON'T know.


Its just YOUR responsibility to respond to God.

When God gives a word to you, you need to go before Him and deal with Him about your issues with people, and to be honest, ME.


Stop going to your "best friend". You don't even know how long God will bless you with that friendship. Stop going to "Your Mom". YOu may not know what kind of HER issues are rubbing off of you.

Stop going to "YOUR thought patterns". You're NOT always right and you never know what or HOW you are thinking may get in the way of the sort of things God wants to teach your heart.


I'm done with people not going to God about stuff. I'M done with that.


Now stop caring about what some dumb girl is saying and start wondering if God wants to speak to YOU through it.




For God's SAKE.

I wonder if a week can change my life...

Alive Festival - my first year.

What to think, what to say, what think some more...

It was awesome. There were so many things that went wrong the week before and it was so discouraging, but the truth is that God does what He wants, and that I really didn't have to worry about stuff if what He wants was going to happen anyway, as it so very often does (because He knows what'll happen, so it works into His amazing plan as it always does. Wasn't THAT enlightening?)

So I went to Alive Festival and slept on the hard, cold ground for 3 nights. It was one of those things where you feel like you just want to complain about it except that you ALSO know how good it is for you and how it was your choice to begin with, so you bear it all and somehow take joy in the whole situation... except for when you're tossing and turning all night long *wink*.


I have got to say: I LOVE working behind the scenes. I love working in front ON the scenes. I love just working for God. Honestly, as I worked the booths I worked, I knew that half the bands could've cared less because really, when its being taken care of, you don't have to worry about it. But that didn't matter. I worked knowing that whether those people knew it or not, I was blessing them with my time. I was blessing them with my love to their fans. I was blessing them before God. And it blessed ME to bless them.

Is that selfless? Not really. I totally understand that I got gratification out of it. Its not really why I did it though. Its just where I fit in: serving people when they'll never know I was.

GOD!

I LOVE doing that! I LOVE doing stuff that no one will ever know I did. Its weird to get gushing gratitude. I'm not even telling this to GET recognized either - its just such a JOY that its hard to hold it in!

Talking to the different people I did, God showed me some things.

First, God showed me that God loves these people. He loves every single one of them.

He loves the gorgeous little blond girl that waltzes on by, who looks like she's 24 when in all reality, she's only 14.

He loves the overweight lady with the cane who's having a hard time being on her feet all day.

He loves all the little 12 year old guys who cultivate their long-hair-over-the-eyes-and-think-hawk-nelson-is-a-sissy-band group and who jump off of the high-dives in the middle of the night to impress the girls.

He loves all the guys and girls who pack it all up, leaving their family and friends for weeks on end to tour the different festivals because they're in "the band".

He loves all the people in between.

He loves them all and He wants to love them through me.

He wants to love them through you.


This festival really hit the music in me. I forgot that I love music. I forgot that I love how it draws people - how it makes them forget themselves - how it makes them think of God and the bigger picture. I forgot that it makes my heart sing and my feet dance. I forgot that its the soundtrack to my life.
I forgot that it is worship if I chose it to be.

I think I forgot that its a ministry in itself.

And this is a totally Biblical idea, really. Music being a ministry. David would play his harp before the Lord in the fields. He'd play his harp before the king. No matter where he was, private or performance, he did it as worship unto the Lord, and he was a man after God's own heart.


So I sat back and watched.

Music as a ministry and music as an industry.

I notice that some have been lost in the industry.

I notice that some have been lost in the ministry.

But I must say: its the most lovely thing to find someone who isn't lost in either of those things but rather, that they are lost in Jesus.
Its such a struggle of pride no matter where anyone goes.
No matter what you're interested in or what you want to do with your life, there is a WHOLE SET of pride issues that you need to fight if you want to do it souly for the Lord.



Those are things to think about.

God's reeally been humbling me lately. Its kind of a mix of humiliation and just testing my faith some more. I don't usually like to give satan a lot of credit for whats going on because usually alot of it stems from my own sinful nature and the crap that God has been bringing up and out of me lately but... I've definitely felt like I'm hated by the enemy. I'm reading the Screwtape Letters for the first time, (and ha! it LOOKS like a fast read, but its really not, especially if God's reading it with you. Its a LOT to take in and think about.) and I'm just noticing all of the pitfalls I fall into on a REGULAR basis. Fantasizing being one of them. I'm prone to think about what COULD be when to be honest I'm spending THIS MOMENT living in a NOT guaranteed future. Its a dormant waste of life! Or how about distractions? I'm terribly distracted all the time. The only time I'm almost completely focused is when, well, I'm completely focused like right now. When I write, it drives me nuts when someone is right next to me or even in the same room as me. I HAVE to be by myself. But if something is deliberately being a distraction to me, it freaking annoys me. BUT if its not obvious, it slowly attracts my attention away and before I know it, I've lost all focus on my original focal point all together!

I HATE that!

Why? Because that is exactly how I turn from God. That is exactly how I lose focus on Jesus. Every day I fight to re GAIN focus on Jesus. If I don't meet Him every couple of hours, I'm a gonner and I totally forget Him all together.

I hate that about myself.

Its how Jesus humbles me. I see it and I hate it. But He loves me anyway. That blows me away, folks. It should blow you away too.

He sees the depths of my heart and He loves me the same... He is amazing God.
Its a test of my faith to fight it. But I think God is testing my mind. He says He tests the minds.

"But I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give each man according to his ways, according the results of his deeds." - Jeremiah 17:10

Hmm...


so I wrote a new song. It needs some refining, but you know? So does everything in life. Ask me some time to sing it for you.

To Live what One Sings
By Sarah F. G-------
6/10/08-6/12/08

Verse 1
I remember having high hopes for my life
I could look out and almost see myself in flight
And now I sit here on this floor
As I find the depth of life is so much more

Pre-Chorus
It's praying and it's waiting on the Lord
It’s moving and it’s seeing by His word

Verse 2
There are many who’ve answered Your call
So why do I feel so alone, left to weigh out it all
I look down through my tears
And I see my legs are broken, and that I’m facing my fears

Chorus1
And now I find myself in Your heart
Starting to see things the way You are
I now that You found me, I know
That to lose myself in You, I must let go


Verse 3
I feel like I’ve just left boot camp
I don’t feel like a loser, but sure don’t feel like a champ
I morn the loss of familiar ways
But I’m following God, and he’s not there anymore
He’s on to a brand new day


Chorus 2
And I’ll find myself where You are
As I see things the way You are
I’ll press on to all that is new
I’ll go through it all to see that I grew
I grew in You

Bridge
I’ve built a callous to all the pain
And the first time I’m way, I realize all I have to gain
My little hurts all come out of hiding
Each one met with mercy and healing – I’m healing

Pre-Chorus
I see that praying and waiting on the Lord,
Is what moves me to live by His word…

Chorus 3
And I find myself wrapped in Your arms
No counterfeit could touch Your part
As I allow You to make me whole
My life matters less and You matter more…

++++++++++++++++++

Well, I hope you guys are growing as much as I am. Its the worst, most wonderful thing in the world to be doing all the time.

But alas, it is time for my departure.

So be blessed and find Jesus as your complete joy. He never changes. That is exciting!


:)

God is exciting.

Who we are: Satisfied?

I've been truly contemplating a lot lately.

I think I am lacking a bit in my ability to write so profoundly, but the truth is, I don't care about being profound. I'm real. When I'm being real and I just happen to say something profound, good for me. I'll feel great about myself and I may treat myself to a nice tall cinnamon dolce latte.

Agh. I don't know.

What are we doing, really?


We come and go as we please, we live our lives for what we want and then we add to our overabundance of life that we love Jesus too.

And I've just been thinking. That is NOT what changes the world.
In fact... only someone who is willing to be uncomfortable in themselves is going to change the world... not because THEY somehow are so great of a person or such a Saint...

But its because they dared to make the difference. They dared to make UP the difference between what IS and what SHOULD BE.

I hate being uncomfortable. But then again, I can talorate it.
I was made to stand in the gap.

we were ALL made to stand in the gap.

And we're all afraid to.


Here's something else I've discovered. We wear or put on a facade, using either a mask of some sort that ISN'T us, OR we pretend that our true selves IS the mask so that we don't get hurt by people.

We all hide, and then we all pretend we're not and then ON TOP OF IT, we all think its okay even though we secretly wish we could just be ourselves.

then you get someone who dares to be themself. You get someone who doesn't act like they've got it all together. Everyone gets real defensive about people like that. You know what I think? If someone has a TRUE heart of pursuing God and has a little bit of ignorance or arrogance, allow him to be corrected and give the person some grace! If he's actively pursuing God, he's going to grow anyway! That is so big.

It is one thing to think we've got it all together and not let anyone see... its another when someone's willing to expose themselves for what and who they are and be open, therefore, to the correction that directly effects his character (which is a GOOD THING!)

I guess we just always hide.

We hide because we're scared that who we are isn't going to be acceptable.

But I think we forget something as we're all caught up in the "pursuit of civilians" as 2 Timothy 2:4 says.

I think we forget that it actually doesn't matter if we're not acceptable to the world. Because, quite frankly, we're not. And if you ARE acceptable, you're probably not doing your job as a disciple.

Thats my biggest thing right now actually. Why aren't we just sucking it up and being as bold as Lions already?

Why can't we be as wise as serpants and as gentle as doves? They can't believe if they have never heard and to be honest, we teach a limited gospel.

We teach that all you gotta do is ask Jesus into your heart and you're going to heaven.

You know what?

I don't think thats enough.

I think that along with your CONFESSION that Jesus is Lord, you must believe in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead and that it is only by GRACE you have been saved, that through Jesus, you have been [sozo] saved, which means not only from the destruction of death and hell, but ALSO from physical, heart and mental sickness and brokenness as well. When you believe, you are then also an heir TO HEALING TOO. But we never teach that! I never even heard that salvation message until now.

Folks, we are the church.

These are the last days.

Its been the last days for the last 2000 years.

There are false prophets.

There are partial teachings. It is time to begin to teach the truth. Without faith it is impossible to please God.
But faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.
It is also by faith that you are made well. But how can you have faith if you've never heard what you're supposed to put your faith in?

Are we not supposed to be His witnesses everywhere, if the Holy Spirit is upon us?

Are we not supposed to have this same authority that Jesus had, and should be able to say that the Holy Spirit is upon us because He has anointed us to proclaim the good news to the poor, and to proclaim liberty to the captives? Are we not supposed to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord?

And yet we sit back, and the church in general (not all, but may I say it seems like most) have become the epitomy of Isaiah 29:13-14 which says

"Then the Lord said,
"Because this people draw near with their words
And honor Me with their lip service,
But they remove their hearts far from Me,
And their reverence for Me consists of tradition learned by rote...
And the wisdom of their wise men will perish,
And the discernment of their discerning men will be concealed.





Dear God, what have we become?!

We ARE the church!

It is imposible to please God without faith, and yet James says that faith without works is DEAD. Its not there. It means NOTHING.
So we may honor God with our lip service and SAY we have faith and SAY that our desire is to please God but without your works, you have no fruit. and if you have no fruit, then its not IN your life because its not coming out.
And we all know what goes on inside of you will come out at some point.

And you know what I've noticed lately?

A lot of ignorance in the church.

we get christians picketting outside of places saying, "So-and-so is in HELL!" blah blah blah.

I have a question. Would Jesus have done that?

Does that glorify God or gratify your own egotistical satisfaction? Doesn't the Bible say that Love does not rejoice in evil but delights in Good?

Shouldn't we be crying because another soul is lost to Satan?
Is it really furthuring the Kingdom of God to say that God allowed Heath Ledger to die because he played a gay cowboy in a movie?

Is that truly the Love of God?


Let me say one thing before I go.


The punishment for sin was satisfied upon the cross.

There is no need for God to want to strike down someone for their "sin" as an actor, playing a homosexual.

If that is the case, why hasn't God smited YOU for lying or for your pride for thinking that you are so much better then Heath?

Answer me this?

Who in the world do we think we are that we think we're so much higher than anyone else?

The only difference between us and any other person who is a non-believer is that WE FOUND GRACE, and we HAVE SOMETHING THEY NEED.

The love of God does not conclude that God brought this upon a man when it is clear that God so loved the WHOLE WORLD.


This is it, folks.

We are the church.


Are we satisfied?

My Concensus on the Purpose Driven Life - from one who once despised the idea of reading it.

The Purpose Driven Life

By Sarah G

10/1/07
revised 10/7/07

So I must say, I was proud about not reading “The Purpose Driven Life” all through out high school. What’s funny is that the first book I was handed in the beginning of this internship was the one I took pride in never reading! I’ve been humbled quite a bit however, and God truly prepared my heart for it.

First, on a humorous note, Rick Warren hit his peak when he said, “God made ants to be ants and you to be you.” You can’t touch that!!

The first third of The Purpose Driven Life mainly focused on beginner Christian content.
It was hard to get interested in the book until my attention was caught in Day 17, when it started talking about finding one’s place in the Body of Christ. That really stuck out o me and it began to help shape my understanding of what the Body should be to one another – REAL.

There was a whole section on forgiveness and how God expects it to be immediate, though He doesn’t expect or even encourage trust right away; and I can tell you right now, it was encouragement I needed to hear in my life. Warren talked about how to love people even after they’ve hurt you, and how to go about showing them the love of Jesus without becoming a doormat to more pain. Just the idea that I am at this exact place in my life where I needed to read this, shows God’s unbelievable faithfulness over and over again.

Reading on from this point, the book goes into how to approach and confront fellow believers in your church family, and that if you are to do anything, it must always be done in love. Situations I’ve been in where people thought they had a right to confront me about something that was NOT a sin in my life and correct it, has put me in a place where I absolutely believe in being in Love (God) before speaking into someone’s life, using the right of “Siblingship” as the means to do so. Whenever this happened to me, I would walk away feeling dejected and depressed. That’s not right, and in fact, it’s wrong. This whole part of the book put into words what I’ve been struggling with inside of me; and I always felt crazy, like I’m the only one dealing with this sort of thing. Am I the only one who tries to forgive with her whole heart, but struggles over that pain caused, over and over again? Am I the only person who finds herself forgiving that same offence as many times as it plays over and over again, through painful memory?
I’m NOT!! I’m a normal person! Jesus, Jesus was a normal person. I’m not crazy.

I LOVED how the book dug into REALITY and how the truth is, its hard to love people. It’s hard to be selfless, and yet we try anyway. Why? Because we’re attached to the believers forever. I love the analogy of the blood family – you hate them, you love them, you mistreat them, you bless them, but you gotta make it work because you’re related them, you’re stuck with them, and really, because you love them.

Another favorite part of mine started in Day 23 – Growing up, and how we grow. It talked about growing up spiritually and why it matters so much, and it does! I’m not even sure how to explain how blessed I was by this message. “The Purpose Driven Life” emphasized on always needing to grow up in the Lord by “working out our salvation with fear and trembling”. It went on to talk about how we need to change our mindset – what (or how) we think shapes our life.

Change became the focal point of the book at this revelation, and things really hit close to home when Warren talked about how we try to do things in our own will-power which only results in short-term results. This really began to speak to my heart as I began to realize that I depend a LOT on my own will-power by default! I’m finding that I’m terribly immature, spiritually, which in all truthfulness means selfishness and self-seeking. I don’t know what else to say except that the Holy Spirit convicted my heart in an awe-full way.

By Day 25, Warren began to touch the topic of letting truth transform you and ALSO letting troubles shape who you are. It seems that every topic this book targeted was EXACTLY the topic God wanted to speak to my heart about at the exact time I read it. The fact that I can’t get over this truth runs right into what the book was saying at this point about how God allows certain things to happen to us for specific reasons. This section turned out to be somewhat of a pep-talk. It talked about how to take hurts as they come and what to always keep in mind when you’re going through them: God’s got a bigger picture in mind. It really holds high the building of character through all the issues we face, and I’ve begun to ask myself if maybe I’m looking at things the wrong way in my own life.
What blessed me most was the overall message that said, “When you allow yourself to be refined by your trials, people will see Jesus’ reflection in you.”

From that point, the book flowed into how to deal with temptations: physical, mental, emotional – all spiritual. It reminds us that God takes His time with us, and how the people that God used in the past had major issues in their lives. But if we’re willing, He’ll go through those major issues in our lives WITH us, as He did with them, by allowing us to be challenged in our faith. Our biggest hurts and pains? His biggest source of ministry through us.

The next section was all on servanthood which just convicted my spirit of my self-seeking ways: even when I think I’m being servant-like, I’m really just doing it because I feel good about myself. What about the times I won’t and I don’t feel good? Will I still hold fast to being a bond-servant to Jesus Christ? I didn’t even know how deep this issue runs into everything I am!! But God allowed me to see this, through the words written in this book, and even in this rebuking of the soul, I am blessed.

The LAST part talked about the Great Commission and spreading the gospel. I’ll admit, I kind of skimmed over the last 2 days since they were just conclusive in their content.

All in all, “The Purpose Driven Life” was good because I needed to read it. It wasn’t the most amazing book, it wasn’t the most horrible either. But truth be told, it’s not about that. It’s about what God did in my heart as a result of going through it, and THAT result is eternal. I’m glad I read it.

Lord, would you help me write another song?

Hm, so. Okay.

A comment on my last blog got me thinking.

Romance is supposed to be renewed, right?


Okay. I'm done wallowing. YES. I've been wallowing. I've needed to wallow.

I've been wallowing because, gosh, now I know what it feels like to be pursued and treated like a princess (uhh... mostly.)
I know what I've been missing out from. I guess thats why I feel sorry for myself a little, but you know? Why would God allow me to experience something like that and give me less the next time? Because...

He DID give me this something beautiful.
He allowed me to experience a great amount of romance - sweet and wonderful.
But He also allowed me to experience pain. A great deal of pain.
Why?
"Why me?!" I sometimes ask God.

"Why not you, Sarah?" was the reply.

"But, I feel so used, Lord!"

"But you said, 'use me'."

"Yes, but... but... this hurts!"

"I know, sweetheart."

*tears*

"Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours be done."




I don't know. I'm just done wallowing.

Maybe I need to renew my romance with the Lord.

I think thats what it is that I need to do right now. I love Jesus, I need to start showing Him better. I need to start doing things for him, telling him how much I care about him. Spending time with him, singing to him, possibly drawing him nearer? Is there a way to draw him unto myself like you would a regular guy? I don't know. I mean, love, and the whole idea of flirting and attracting someone, is all part of the whole picture of LOVE, is it not? So if God made me to do that, maybe I SHOULD do that... with God.

Maybe I should allow God to woo me, to call me out.

Maybe look at God as my Lover as well as my Friend?

Is that even possible? It will be hard. I never see Him. Sigh. Thats always my problem. I always have to have faith that God will reveal Himself to me in time, just like I have to have faith that God has someone out there for me.. even though I can't see.

I almost hate that I'm so attracted to romance. I wish I could say that I'm better then that, that I'm harder then that. That I'm not as pathetic as that.

Unfortunately, I am not. AND I have feelings too. I feel a great deal.

You know, I feel brushed aside sometimes by people. I feel like since I happen to be trying with all my heart to do the right thing in all of this, people go, "good for you! You're soooooooooo amazing!"

What?! No. I am NOT amazing. I suck. If most of you knew, you wouldn't think that. I struggle. I struggle to let things go. I struggle to let things grow. I hurt. I feel like it wasn't fair. I sit there and smile at people and tell them thatGod is in control, but then I go home and I cry and cry and cry, and ask God why I deserved any of this.

Do you know how wrong it is to really actually ask God why, eSPECIALLY since I wasn't there when He created the heavens, the earth and creation? Who the heck am I to ask why?

and yet I have the guts to ask anyway. Why? Because God allows for me to be imperfect. He understands. He understands when I vent my frustrations.
Thats why I love him.

I could cuss Him out, and He'd still bless me. He'd still listen. And He showed me that actually, He'd rather have me cuss Him out then not talk to Him at all.

...you know? He's so good to us. I don't understand this, but His demensions to love us far surpasses ours.

I mean really? Why and how does He love us with a love that is bigger then US? Why?

I dunno. All I know is that I want more of that love. I want more of Him in my life.

"More Love, more power, more of you in my life. More faith, more passion, more of you in my life. And I will worship You, with all of my heart. and I will worship you, with all of my mind. And I will worship You with all of my strenth. You are my Lord, You are my Lord."

Sarah is growing again. and no, its not height-wise, thank you. Nore is it mustache-wise. Its my spiritual-eyes. *wink*. yes yes, I'm still my same old Sarah self.

Compilations of Contemplations.

I think what really got me thinking was when Joe and I talked while I ate. I like his friendship. What got me thinking was how he opened up to me. I think I did a good job of hiding my surprise, but it just took me back.

I hope God uses me any way he can with Joe, because I'd love to see him find Christ. Or rather, hehe, be found. "For you did not choose Me, but I chose you..."

I don't know. I just sit back and think, "what happened?" I mean, who is this girl I've become? I'm quited within myself. I take time in processing my thoughts. I'm supposedly "Miss Sunshine". Whats with guys and my smile? I mean, I have guys (yes, more then one) telling me that as long as they can make me smile, they're happy. Who is this girl who seems to have a smile that makes guys happy just to see? Have I been THIS ignorant about and to myself? heh... I was told by my manager (on behalf of all of my managers) that they really appreciated all I do. I must have turned 10 shades of red; like all the other times something is said about me in FRONT of me. I don't know how to react! I mean, I suppose I say thank you, but it doesn't seem like that's the right answer. You wanna know what my instinctive answer is? Laugh nervously, totally disagree whether its right or wrong and bolt! Who is this girl? This girl who will plug herself into a book and not come out for hours? This girl who used to be able to talk on the phone for hours, but no longer has the energy? This girl who would do SO MUCH MORE for her family but gets her joys dashed when she's EXPECTED to do the very thing she wanted to do quietly as a gift?

WHO IS THIS GIRL?

who is this girl who has no problem helping ANY body out with chores whether at home or at work? Why do I do the things I do? I know what kind of person I am. How do I come off so sweet to people? I'm a selfish twisted child. Who is this girl who comes off so opposite of what she is on the inside?

Who is this girl?

I wonder if it would be blasphemy to say that the Who is Jesus.

Jesus isn't the GIRL, Jesus IS, the girl. That means that I... I, the girl am all I can be to be Jesus. He is everything. I'm nothing without him. That means He is my all.

I'd be dead if it weren't for Christ in my life. I know I talk about the fact that I used to think about suicide alot, but I bring it up because it is my boast story! I'm boasting in the way God saved me from myself. I would have been dead! I could have been dead. Then I wouldn't have been here asking the most simple, obvious, profound question of myself. Who is this girl I call myself?
I'm kind of tired of saying, "I don't know."
I've cliche'd it, haven't I? hehe.
I think I'm ready to say something different though. Because you know what? It wouldn't be truthful anymore to say I don't know who this girl is.
I have to start being truthful to myself about myself.

Pastor Jeff said something extremely profound this morning and I just sat there and went, "wow.."

He said firstly, "Don't tell yourself where you THINK you are, be honest enough to admit to yourself where you really are."

And then He said, "Its God's grace that makes it okay for us to BE where we are! Its okay! Because God says, "Child! Its okay to be where you are! Because I'm going to take you to where I AM."

You know where I am?

I am at a place where I so fully know that I'm a sinner and I don't deserve dirt. I'm a crumb-ball inside. I could be so miserable of a person. I'm a pain in the butt during certain times alone! All the time, I could be and have a tendency to be miserable and low and depressed.

I'm still figuring myself out, and that alone is humbling. I think I should have myself figured out by now. But I still can't find why I do some of the stuff I do, why I feel the way I feel and why I can't shut up once in a while.
I have a spiritually High day and the rest of the week is LOW and frustrating. I get disappointed easily because my expectations are so high, whether they're good expectations or bad ones. Whether they're realistic or not. I hurt easily for some people, and for others I have no compassion whatsoever. Whats with that?
I hate where my life is for the moment, and yet I could never turn back now. I'm on a fast pace transition.
My opinions are peppered with perspective and salted with a straight and narrow mind. How does that work?! I like attention I shouldn't thrive on but do,
I act coy and calculated with perfect comebacks, and yet I am so naive and ignorant and blush over the reactions I get from my OWN actions. When did I become more then a young girl? How did it happen that things I used to do and were so innocent are now something of an art of flirtation?

Lord!!! Can I still be innocent before you?! Can I be a vessel of purity in this stain-glassed world?

Who do people think they are?

this is a very sincere question.

Who do you think you are?
I bet that if you tell yourself what you think you are, you're probably off, whether you think too highly of yourself or too lowly of yourself.

You know what the difference between me and every other person in the world?
I don't have to answer the question because Jesus answers it for me.
I have someone to look up to. I have something to live for. I have a purpose to stand on. I have a reason to live. Its Jesus.
Its ( on of my purposes being) every other person besides me who needs to find Jesus and to be found by Him.

I want Joe and all the other people who know they don't look up to anyone to have that reason to live too.
I want him to look up to the One I look up to. I want him to find that rest. I want him to reach deeper and respond to the question, "Who do I think I am anyway?" and say, "I don't care who I think I am. All I need to know is what Jesus thinks I am. And I Am His."

hm.

Ultimately we are, aren't we? We're ALL His. But He gave us free will, and that's where we fell. So whether we end up in hell or in heaven, we're still ultimately His.

I like to think I resemble Him just a little.

Jesus? take a look at me like a mirror. What do you see, Lord?

"I see Me."

"really?"

"Really, Beloved. And I see you. And I love you just the way you are, stains and all. For you once were a sinner, but now you are My Child. You are a dancer. Be free. Make the Sun shine brighter. Love on them, one by one, Sarah, just like I would. Just like I did. Just like I am. Just like I always will."

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. Amen and Hallelujah!

Great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me.