Showing posts with label rawness.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rawness.. Show all posts
I Found Myself In India
The air was was muggy and smelt faintly of spices.
I knew I had stepped into a different world the moment I stepped out of the plane.
I heard it would be weird and I heard it would smell different. I heard it would smell, period.
And they weren't wrong. But to me, it smelled wonderful.
It smelled wonderful because it smelled like a dream coming true.
There's something about India that has either begun to lace itself into my heart... or perhaps it was woven in to begin with. Maybe its always been apart of my DNA. I'm not sure.
Word Association:
Adventure,
awakening,
Christian living,
City,
Cleveland,
desires,
doorways,
dreams,
God's Will,
India,
journey,
Life,
ministry,
Missions,
Missions Trips,
perspective,
rawness.,
Revival,
waiting,
walking with the Lord
A Pilgrim's Process
Have you ever been in a season of your life where NOTHING goes the way you planned and EVERY way you thought you would react is absolutely not the way you end up reacting?
Or how about the one where you don't just wrestle with God all night long - but for MONTHS long?
Or what about the season where you almost welcome the ugly truth at any cost, just so there's finally some absolutes in the muddled mess of chaos that seems to be all-encompassing in the brain and heart part of your life?
Add those 3 examples up and stir in a few more - and you've got the season I've been in for probably the last 2 months or so.
I've had more midnight encounters with the Lord in the last 5 months than I've had in my entire lifetime.
I remember asking God to inconvenience me if it meant losing sleep at night. I didn't know that the answer to this prayer would be accompanied by the turmoil I've been facing in my heart these past few months.
In a nutshell, I've been facing the all-too-real fact that apart from God, I can do nothing that benefits me or anyone else. Not only that,
Word Association:
broken-hearted,
humility,
journey,
mercy,
midnight hours,
mindsets,
new eyes,
Pilgrimage,
rawness.,
real girl,
ruined,
self examination,
struggles,
surrender,
walking with the Lord,
wilderness
A Thought Munching my Brain
You know what really bothers me? When people draw massive conclusions about key Christian principles such as giftings of the Spirit - off of a few select scriptures instead of taking everything into context. Its unbelievable to me. Some things just aren't looked into, good enough and it bothers me how ignorant we can ALL be at times. My own ignorance in the past and even now makes my heart wince and my spirit ache for truth. I don't care if I went to seminary for 20 years - if I'm not LOOKING for the REAL truth which will edify the body of Christ, and if I'm not searching God's heart out in His word, I will not and CAN NOT give a living message. Instead I will teach a legalizing doctrine that lacks in understanding and binds people instead of freeing them.
Hm.
Maybe seminary would ruin me. I may not have hours of Bible classes down, but I want the truth - even if it offends my mind. And that's a price I'm willing to pay, if it will edify the Body, glorify my Jesus and punch Truth into the things I preach.
done. I'm off.
Hm.
Maybe seminary would ruin me. I may not have hours of Bible classes down, but I want the truth - even if it offends my mind. And that's a price I'm willing to pay, if it will edify the Body, glorify my Jesus and punch Truth into the things I preach.
done. I'm off.
Word Association:
indignation,
new eyes,
passion,
pro-life,
rawness.,
reality,
thoughts,
UnChristianity,
views,
Watching
Dating and Marriage and Babies - OH MY!
Its unbelievable to me. EVERY one is dating, marrying and having babies. Its nuts.
It makes me wonder how God decides which people are going to find the right person and start their family right away and which people He kinda just...takes His time making anything happen in that arena of life.
I'm definitely not annoyed. How can I be? These people are my friends! I'm so happy that God is moving in their lives and allowing it to grow and move forward.
But it definitely makes me wonder what God's ideal is for MY life.
Am I just... supposed to wait? Am I supposed to GO? And if I'm suppose to go, WHERE TO?
I'm coming to the end of my dream rope. I don't really have any more dreams, honestly. Whats so weird is that I always felt I was a big dreamer. But I've noticed that the only dream I have is to be married and move forward in ministry with a husband. Thats it. Thats not even a BIG dream. As I'm realizing, thats a NORMAL dream. Unless you're me. Because normal is all around me. I, on the other hand seem to be the only abnormal human being out there. Of course I'm not the only one! I have a handful of friends who are in the same boat I'm in. But here I am, 22 years old and I don't have any more dreams. NADA.
WOW. Nothing?! Not even one? Well I dream of being apart of something BIG! But I have no clue what "big" means... or what "big" pertains to.
So John Wimber (founder of the Vineyard movement) shared once that he was struggling with why his ministry was only mediocre and without power and the Spirit spoke to him and said. "John, I see your ministry. Now let Me show you Mine."
God's kinda whispering the same things to me. "I see your dreams, Sarah. Now let Me show you Mine."
But its been a process. I've actually had to recognize and acknowledge that MY dreams for my life are NOT going to happen the way I thought. I'm starting to let myself be okay with this. And now the question is not, "God, why did You let this happen to me again?!?" it becomes, "God...whats YOUR underlying plan in all of this?" Its not, "God! Why don't You see my dreams?" and it becomes, "God, when are You going to show me YOUR dreams for my life?"
Its a hard shift though. The only way that God has been able to get me to let go of my childish, girlish dreams for love and romance is to show me that I can't accomplish them. Ever, and especially on my own. That in fact, once I open my clenching fists, I find that these little dreams disintegrated long ago and that I'm wasting time and energy trying to keep what was never mine to have. God may have romance in mind... but its not the way I thought it would be.
Its a hard lesson to learn. I'll tell you its true since it seems I'm still in the classroom retaking my test... again.
Its pretty surreal.
Friends marrying the "One" for them (and they KNOW that they know). Having little ones that are practically mini-thems. And I get to be Aunt "Waha". I'm rewatching my parents younger years in my own life. It wasn't so long ago that they were in the same place. Twenty-two years goes by faster then I could imagine. I just hope I'm not a waste of space here. I need to know God is using my life for something important now if its not my time to have my own husband and children.
So many people say, "you're so young. You've got so much time!"
I don't understand how they don't think that what they're saying is not only belittling of my feelings but also patronizing.
Yes, I'm young. But I've been praying for my future husband since I was 12. I've been actively waiting for this in my life for 10 years now. I don't think thats a small feat. I'm not an average girl. Probably why this is so difficult for me. I'm not even jealous! I just feel so frustrated with the smallness of my life.
I'm trying so hard to be faithful. When is God going to show up for me? When will I begin to see the fruit of my investments into the Kingdom? Doesn't God see me?
Of course He does. I KNOW He does. I'm in very constant connection with Him... though not as much as I ought. But nevertheless, I cannot change my feelings.
If this part of life isn't happening for me, what part is? I'm determined to be okay with where I am, but its becoming increasingly difficult to be content when I don't even have a vision for my life beyond marriage.
What the heck is wrong with me? When did I stop dreaming and how do I start again?
What is my life amounting to?
Its great if others think I'm anointed to lead worship. But its MY passion. What HAS God anointed me to do? Why am I not satisfied with just that? OR is it that I need a fresh anointing - a renewed mind?
How do I get that? How do I move out of this pit I'm stuck in? How do I get my dance back?
A year ago God was moving my heart and giving me vision after vision for my life.
But - they're visions. How do I live them out in real life? And... where the heck is that dancer girl in me?
Where's the joy? Where's the heaven-perspective?
I'm so hurt and I don't even know what to do to heal except for what I'm already doing: crying hard when it finds me and floods in. Reading and meditating on the scriptures, especially on Jesus's words. Focusing on my jobs and being busy with those, getting prayed for once in a while... and dealing with all the junk God keeps surfacing in my heart. This is no glorious season for me. I just said all of this and I still want to say, "I don't know what to say."
My heart is so restless.
Whats next?
Word Association:
Aching,
Beast,
Big girls don't cry,
broken-hearted,
dancers-heart,
Ever After,
hurt,
journey,
lady in waiting,
lessons,
pain,
patience,
Pearls,
rawness.,
reality,
self examination
Joseph and the starting of the book of Sarah's Proverbs.
Joseph
He got so screwed over - over and over again! ...Yet...He ended up being a man who blessed a whole nation - his family AND His God. Faithful, faithful guy.
Sigh. Maybe I won't have my family bowing down to me... but thats okay. I don't want that anyway.
I just want to know that what I've sown in love will not be wasted, thats all.
Once again, I know I'm writing a lot, but its awesome to just be free to write again... even if its not extravagant.
And ps: I do have a new proverb - as Christian as I am - and as much as I love Jesus, I can say this very honestly:
I think someone should write a book about their "love-life" journey for the girls who love Jesus, don't really like the concept of dating around but don't live in a world where you're sheltered from all the "wrong Ones" out there. Its just the truth. Its hard to filter out who's real and who's not. I'm not talking about a "how-to" book. I'm just talking about a book where a real life girl gets hurt in REAL LIFE and still feels like she did what she felt God wanted her to do.
I of all people always wanted to marry the only person I courted, wanted to share my first EVERYthing with just him and have such an awesome, ideal, wonderful love story. I'm so careful about who I feel might be worth my time if He's interested in me. But... you can do all the right things... and still get the wrong end of the deal. Wheres the book out there that encourages women like me? I love Passion and Purity - but hey... honestly, I'm not praying that I have to wait 7 years to find out if God actually wants me and the man I love to be together or not!!! Though... Elisabeth's point is both beautiful and very valid.
So... Joseph. Got screwed over. Many times. But God used him BIG.
Maybe I have a small bit of hope yet.
He got so screwed over - over and over again! ...Yet...He ended up being a man who blessed a whole nation - his family AND His God. Faithful, faithful guy.
Sigh. Maybe I won't have my family bowing down to me... but thats okay. I don't want that anyway.
I just want to know that what I've sown in love will not be wasted, thats all.
Once again, I know I'm writing a lot, but its awesome to just be free to write again... even if its not extravagant.
And ps: I do have a new proverb - as Christian as I am - and as much as I love Jesus, I can say this very honestly:
Sarah's Proverbs 1:1 - Listen up, ladies (daughters) and don't ever forget this: Just because you are a beautiful Christian girl and you love Jesus, doesn't mean you won't get screwed over in life by an a-hole at some point. But it DOES mean God will grow you lots, if you let Him. 2. Thats why you need to guard your hearts, for it IS the wellspring of life... and you COULD die of heartbreak otherwise.
I think someone should write a book about their "love-life" journey for the girls who love Jesus, don't really like the concept of dating around but don't live in a world where you're sheltered from all the "wrong Ones" out there. Its just the truth. Its hard to filter out who's real and who's not. I'm not talking about a "how-to" book. I'm just talking about a book where a real life girl gets hurt in REAL LIFE and still feels like she did what she felt God wanted her to do.
I of all people always wanted to marry the only person I courted, wanted to share my first EVERYthing with just him and have such an awesome, ideal, wonderful love story. I'm so careful about who I feel might be worth my time if He's interested in me. But... you can do all the right things... and still get the wrong end of the deal. Wheres the book out there that encourages women like me? I love Passion and Purity - but hey... honestly, I'm not praying that I have to wait 7 years to find out if God actually wants me and the man I love to be together or not!!! Though... Elisabeth's point is both beautiful and very valid.
So... Joseph. Got screwed over. Many times. But God used him BIG.
Maybe I have a small bit of hope yet.
Word Association:
back to the basics,
Bible stories,
Life,
rawness.,
real girl,
reality,
silly,
writings
Vanity of Vanities - Thoughts of Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot.
Ecclesiastes says it so well, what I think, lately. "Vanity of vanities, all is vanity! What advantage does man have in all his work, which he does under the sun? A generation goes, a generation comes, but the earth remains forever. ... is there anything of which one might say, "see this, it is new"? Already it has existed for ages which were before us."
I've just taken to sitting back and watching things. And you know what I've found? I'm an extremely vain human being. Everything I do, has an underlying pursuit to make myself look or feel good, and I really can't do anything about it except continue to let God change me.
It blows me away. I spend money on things that I think will make me prettier, when that money could so easily go to allowing an orphan live a life - their idea of luxury being clean WATER.
Who am I?
Then, I continue to watch those around me.
We pursue so many things that we feel will fulfill us.
Men.
Women.
Money.
Sexual Fulfilment.
Dreams.
Power.
Twisted desires.
Gluttony on anything good.
Or maybe its just... little things.
A touch here.
Attention there.
Feeling wanted.
Feeling desired.
Getting our affirmation from those around us rather then God.
Living for the pleasure of the moment.
I'm convicted, to be honest.
There's a fine line between living IN the moment and possessing divine opportunity to choose to have joy in it, because one is living for God.
There's another to live for the pleasure of the moment itself.
And I wonder, when do we get off track?
Its certainly not a sudden, "bam, I've decided to get off-track" sort of deal.
Its always gradual. Satan knows we're not stupid. We're not going to fall for the obvious.
But His strategy is clear: get the frog in the pot of lukewarm water, and THEN put it over heat. Over time, the water will boil, and the frog will get burnt.
THIS is the strategy of the enemy. And this is how Christianity becomes dull and dead: when people are no longer Alive.
Tonight, I enjoyed myself, spending time with friends.
I noted how I found myself watching the couples around me, all in each others faces, and I could tell which ones had already been down the physical road, and which one's were still exploring the boundaries.
I felt like I was intruding, and yet, they were so public that it was hard not to catch SOMETHING.
Then I found myself at an ultimatum: Did I want something shallow for the pleasure of now, or did I want something REAL, and Godly and beautiful for later? Because its not that I have someone, and its not that I would ever go so far, but you know? It ALL starts when you've concluded in your mind that its OK. That its okay to settle. That easy pleasure is okay. That its okay just to date around. That its okay just to kiss around. That its okay to flirt around.
And you know what? In my little heart, its not.
This heart is for the Lord. This heart wants to do good by her husband all the days of her life : she wants his heart to safely trust her.
So I was just checking out NIV for something and I came accidentally across this verse - and my normal versions don't quite say it this way, but I believe this is probably the best said, of them all:
Proverbs 20:6, "Many a man claims unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?"
WOW.
The contrast here? Hello: black and white.
One can say all they want, but when the rubber meets the road, how will the person follow through.
I would like to be a woman of my word.
When I say something, I want to mean it.
Its probably why I'm more hesitant to promise things, because I take my promises seriously. Its a covenant I bind myself to. And well I should.
So when I promise the Lord that I will not take hold of my love life, I cannot go back on it.
Love.
Life.
This: in its entirety, covers my whole relationship spectrum, from family to frienemies.
Integrity, I guess, is important.
Yet, integrity is rarely ever thought of anymore.
Vanity of vanities. All is vanity. There is so much emphasis on feeling good, and whats in it for me, and material and meaningless banter alongs.
I guess its great for connections, but what will be worth my time?
I told someone just the other day that I pray that every time they talk to me they'd be blessed about God, because if they weren't, there's no point in talking at all, really, is there?
I guess I could choose to be as rawly human as possible.
But I like to think I'm wonder woman and that I should get it right every time, the FIRST time around. I try not to cuss, I try not to get angry about stupid stuff, I try to be as patient as I can be - and then I get disappointed in myself when I can't accomplish it the first time, or the second.
But, it almost seems vain to stay that way and not try again.
Why would I take pride in looking like the rest of the world. I promised Him my life. Why would it be okay for me not to give it to Him 100% every single day?
Why don't I?
Why can't I?
"For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want." Rom. 7:19
Because... I can't, as long as I struggle with the very nature of my sinful flesh.
Sigh. Its so ingrained in us that sometimes I'm amazed by it. We're SO VAIN. WE DO think the song is about us. We DO think things are about us. We believe people think about us more then they really do, we think that it'll be okay if we look prettier, or more attractive to those we want to attract attention from.
I mean..
man.
You know what I find beautiful in a human being with such human traits?
Humility.
The one's who know that we're vain; that all is vanity and that we don't measure up to true selflessness.
I want this beauty. Not because it will glorify myself! But because my heart is inclined towards the things of Jesus and Jesus was humble.
I don't understand how He came down here and limited Himself to such a state.
Didn't the futility of dead-living drive Him crazy all the time? And yet His copasity of love must have driven Him more mad for His bride. How didn't He explode?
I'm just really humbled right now. I'm not perfect. I'm not wonder woman. I can't do anything right apart from God. And guess what - at this point? I'm clinging to that, and somehow, it brings peace into all of my chaos.
And yet, I so easily get swayed because of the outside stuff that catches my attention - the vanity of vanities... I'm just so glad the Lord never gives up on those who call on Him with all their hearts... I'm just really, really glad.
:)
Word Association:
back to the basics,
ponderations,
rawness.,
Sin. ... God's Love for us,
thoughfulness.,
vanity
Absence of Words... a glorious.... most torturous resort.

So there are both funny things and serious things going on in my mind right now. I guess I'll start with funny cause I want time to write about the stuff that is more thoughtful.
First!!! THIS is funny:
1. "I'm your biggest fann!!!!!!!1!1!1!!1111!!!!!ONE!!!11!!!!11!!!!one!!!!"
2. "OF COURSE I know enough about Hawaii to be a tour guide! “This is a beach. Flirt on it. This is the ocean. Flirt in it. Here are some palm trees. Flirt under them. This is your snazzy hotel room….I’ll let you two figure it out from here…That’ll be $10,000 plus a handsome tip.” And the rest I would just google a minute or two before the tour…" -MW
3. Its the Beaver's life for me... I just got damned things going on everywhere!
--my best friends grandma
4.Sharin: YOU are full of bologna, Sarah.
Sarah:....... no, *pause*...I'm full of guts!
5."Steak makes everything better. After all, if we're eating animals, then we're not eating people. And if we're not eating people... thats a good thing!" - Me (yes, I occasionally find myself funny)
6.I saw a man pursuing the horizon;
Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this;
I accosted the man.
"It is futile," I said,
"You can never -"
"You lie," he cried,
And ran on.
- Stephen Crane
7."...you may find me fat, but you will find me, very easily, you will find me." -- part of a poem out a cute "101 poems to get you through the day" sort of book I looked at in Barnes and Nobles
8.Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. - Miss Piggy
9. When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap. - Cynthia Heimel (not entirely what I would call funny, but since this seems to be the the theory of my life, I thought it fit well.)
10. I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Theresa (oh, to relate to the complaints in many of us. hehe. I chuckled at this one.)
And just so you know, many were copied and pasted. I wouldn't go through the trouble of writing these out here as my little coffee shop hang out will be closing soon. Some of these sayings seem to sum up my life and its pretty funny. What else can you do? Nothing. I'm probably one of the most awkward people I'll ever know. The grand part of all of this? Here's seriously the secret: I pretend like I MEAN to be awkward all the time so that it doesn't make any difference when I really DO feel absolutely awkward.
Misfit.
I've been thinking alot about this word lately.
I really am one, aren't I?
I mean, I've known this for quite a while. But I guess you get reminded when you're submitted into a new clan of people.
So I was talking to some girls about some of what I believe. I don't know, its great to hang out but you don't really know them until you get to.. well... know them.
I'm a misfit.
Hah, I was talking about how I think I may scare some guys in small group and I don't know but something was said that made me think a little.
Maybe I'm a "little too much for guys but you know, in a good way."
AHha. The age old phrase in my head. No one's ever actually said that to me, before now. Well, in no particular terms, I've been sort of told that all my life. I'm too much to handle (hello, and who gave anyone permission to handle me?) I've got too big of a personality, too big of a laugh. Too intense. Too bold. Too upfront. I give too much away of who I am.
I'm too deep sometimes. Too much. OR or, here's the other one, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough, not pretty enough not smart enough not womanly enough not girly enough not tomboyish enough just... not enough.
But mostly its that I'm too much.
Now I understand that God is just totally moving me around for which I am quite grateful! To not initiate everything all the time, including pursuing the desires I have for full time ministry.
I need to let God do it all in His time and I need to do what He has me to do NOW, and He'll bring the opportunity as it comes, but I'm not to MAKE it happen.
Too much though...
I know it wasn't meant to hurt me, but I guess it just hit me in a really deep place some where that goes back to the time where I was about 8... "Sarah, you laugh too much. AND really loud. Its just too much." hah, I remember that first "too much" very very well. I was 8 or 9. I'm nearly 20 and I still check myself to make sure I'm not laughing too much or too loud.
I KNOW that's not how God sees it, I really do! But this is just a different sort of thing. Its a place where, along with my difficult acceptance of being a misfit, has been something I've faced all my life.
Too much.
But then I'm filled with peace.
Right here, is where Jesus meets me.
He knew so much. He saw so much. He WAS too much for everyone to handle.
Who can handle God? No man.
He never fit in, in fact, He brought other misfits to fit in with Him.
Do you know - this is a hard concept for a child to get their head around. I was no exception. How do you tell your kid who can't make friends ANYwhere that God has called them to stick out? I'm not sure you can. My mom used to tell me all the time that I shouldn't try to fit in, but she didn't understand either when I cried and cried in her arms when I came home from an event.
I wonder if Jesus felt that way as a child. I wonder if He wondered if there was something wrong with Him? My childhood is a memory. I remember being brilliantly creative. I have since then become much more dull. But oh, I was a cool kid. I just wish I could have been able to come along myself really, the things I could tell myself! The hugs I would give... I would cry great tears as I held this child.
I wonder if thats why Jesus came. So that He could reach the misfits. I think thats it. I think I just hit it on the head. He became a man because He wanted to show us that - oh, the hugs He would give. Oh the great tears He cries as He holds each child. And then I wonder, even then did He hold me? Do His tears change for my age? I hope not. I think He knew who I'd become. And I think that's why He can love us no more then He already does - because He KNOWS us. When He knew me at 3, saying yes to Jesus in my baby voice, He knew the same me at 18, saying yes to Him again. When He knew my wholly romantic heart at 15, He knew me when I will be 56, fully enthralled, hopefully, in the Love of God.
The misfit, through and through.
I went to Ihop Cleveland last Saturday and 2 young women approached me and asked me if they could pray for me.
Then they began to speak of me being called to be a voice in the wilderness, making ready the people of God.
SLAM. My heart broke. That's it. That's why I'm here. I'm SUPPOSED to be on the outside.
Something else, as well here - People will be drawn to the wilderness because of who I am - the "too much" that apparently I have is exactly the thing God wants to use to draw people unto Himself.
The grand thing of it all? These girls told me that I need to remember though, that I can't worry about moving the hearts of man. Another slam. I knew this was for me.
I just need to worry about moving the Heart of God - because that is my greatest glory - His Love for me. And He'll do everything else.
God, thats AMAZING. You know? He DESIRES all that is too much for man, because it wasn't MEANT for man. It was meant for God - and all of a sudden, my "too much" becomes exactly His portion from me. Its all that He desires. Its enough for God.
crap, guys!
We've been getting wrong for so long!!
Word Association:
back to the basics,
Child,
Enough,
Feelings,
Love,
rawness.,
real girl,
reality,
self examination,
thankfulness,
thoughfulness.,
thoughts,
Too Much
Get back to Jesus, Kids. Grow up.
I've been feeling meloncholy as of late. Not because I'm depressed or having a pity party, but because I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately.
I've been thinking about how religious so many people are. I've been thinking about how two-faced so many of the people I know have become. I've never thought I was two faced, but to be honest, I HAVEN'T been honest. I put on the "everything is okay in love and ministry" face and that was never right of me. Its NOT okay in love and ministry. Its WRONG when it goes against God's word. And its WRONG when it causes disunity between His believers. One thing that God has laid on my heart as of late is the unity God wants for His followers to have with one another. We will be known by our love for one another.
Interesting.
Another thing: True love is revealed when hard times come and when its hard to love the people you say you love.
I've realized quite a few things with this truth: FIRST, that if you ask God to show you how to love like He does, He WILL, and it won't look like what you thought. And SECOND, many people do not know how to love the way God does.
I never knew this until the last year of my life.
When people say they love you, they really don't know they do until they DECIDE to love you anyway and PROVE that love through their acts of love towards any said person.
It has been a deeply saddening realization that what I have suspected to be true is true. I often love people more then they will ever love me. My naivety is that I believe they love me back in the same way I love them.
Something that hurts me as I watch many of my peers is that to them, (and even to me, to a certain extent) love is conditional.
I'll love you only as long as things feel good.
I'll love you only if you agree with me ALL the time.
I'll love you as long as you don't hurt my feelings.
I'll love you as long as you stay away from the person I like.
I'll love you as long as YOU take responsibility for why our relationship didn't work out.
I'll love you IF.
IF, IF IF.
I HATE THE WORD IF IN THIS CONTEXT!!
its BS.
God NEVER used IF when He told us to love one another. He NEVER gave His people, His followers a choice - a preference.
I love you EVEN if I can't be your friend right now because I don't agree with you.
I'll only love you IF you continue to go to the same church.
IF you try to work things out (like they have the right in the first place to assume that you didn't.)
IF you'll sweep the issues under the carpet.
IF you'll suck it up and go back to the people who critisize you the most.
IF you match up to MY ideal of courage.
IF you do things MY WAY.
I'm sorry... when did God say IF when it came to the unity of His body?
"Now thumb, you only have to help the OTHER fingers IF they can cordinate to what you're trying to do. If they aren't quite as cordinated as you, you can just be limp."
"Now hands, you only have to put your hair up in a pony-tale IF it works the first time. If not, you can let your eyes and mouth deal with having it wave all in its face."
What
THE
FREAKING
heck, guys?
Since when did God give us permission to slander each other within the church walls.
Yes! the church walls.
Are we not TEMPLES of a Holy Spirit?
Whether we contain anger or bitterness and how it not only then DWELLS in your temple but will then COME OUT and be taken in by OTHER temples of a Holy God?
Church, GET ON YOUR FACE.
You are NOT exempt from Judgment! You WILL stand before a Holy God and account for every person you ever gossipped about - every thing you DIDN'T do. EVERYthing you did. Every Idle you chased after. Every man you laid with, Bride!
Each ONE of us is guilty!! So who are we to pass judgment on each other if it is nothing to do with encouraging one another to do the right thing or building up each other with positive rebukes and true love and fruit coming out of the way we show conCERN for each other?!
YES I'M UPSET!
I'm not HERE to feel comfy in this religion where we can answer all the right answers and pretend we've got it all together cause, you know, we're saints now.
NO.
We'd BETTER be on our face repenting before a Sovereign God and we'd better HOPE that we're one of the sheep when He is weeding us out because I can assure you, the harvest is nearing with each day we waste living the New and Revised 21st Century American Dream reading our new americanized, de-sexualized, watered-down versions of a Bible we only buy because the covers are cool.
Guys?
I'm a freaking, damned to Hell - SINNER.
The only thing that makes me different is God's Grace that, praise the Lord, is in the business of transforming my heart to be soft and more like Jesus.
Without that, I'm done-fore.
But just because someone writes a convicting blog where YOU ASSUME they're NOT doing what they say the church should do, doesn't mean that they're not doing it.
You don't know where they meet God alone in their room.
You don't know what kind of prayer they dive into for the people they dont even know.
You don't know if they obey God even down to the little "pick up that piece of paper"s.
You DON'T know.
Its just YOUR responsibility to respond to God.
When God gives a word to you, you need to go before Him and deal with Him about your issues with people, and to be honest, ME.
Stop going to your "best friend". You don't even know how long God will bless you with that friendship. Stop going to "Your Mom". YOu may not know what kind of HER issues are rubbing off of you.
Stop going to "YOUR thought patterns". You're NOT always right and you never know what or HOW you are thinking may get in the way of the sort of things God wants to teach your heart.
I'm done with people not going to God about stuff. I'M done with that.
Now stop caring about what some dumb girl is saying and start wondering if God wants to speak to YOU through it.
For God's SAKE.
Word Association:
anger,
Beast,
My Giant,
rawness.,
real girl,
reality,
self examination,
Sin. ... God's Love for us,
take action,
The Church
A Time of Numbness Comes to a Sudden Close
You know what ticks me off? People who complain about not having any friends, but they were the ones who killed the friendships they had. And you know what? No one hears me complaining?! I'm SO annoyed by those who complain ALL the time about the things they don't have but aren't even willing to admit that THEY'RE the ones who made it all happen CONSCIOUSLY. What happened to sticking with your girls when things got rough? What happened to, "I'm with you girl!"?
I'm pissed off because I can't make friends as easily as people think and the few that I have YEARS with can't deal with me. I'm too much. Its MY fault.
GOD!
I'm SO tired of SCREWY THINGS. ITS NOT A GOD THING. Its an US thing. WE'RE the screwed up ones! What is up with telling people that God told you things but you can't back it up with scripture? What is UP with HINDERING friendships because God told you something? Gah.
I'm SO frustrated.
And the hardest part is: I'm starting to feel EVERYTHING now. No more numbness. Its ALL coming in waves of anger, injustice and just out-right SADNESS.
Mostly I'm just angry. I'm angry at those I trusted to be doing GOD things and instead they're hiding from conflict.
GOD I HATE IT.
I just want to cry. No one's growing up here except for me, and its against my own premonitions.
*This is a disclaimer. Anything that may have been said was spoken out of emotional stress and over-flowed feelings. However, this disclaimer does not disqualify the truth and reality still proclaimed in the entry above. Thank you.
pain
i hurt.
and it really hurts.
God sees.
He really sees.
Thank You Lord. I'll cling to the cross.
and it really hurts.
God sees.
He really sees.
Thank You Lord. I'll cling to the cross.
Word Association:
Child Warrior,
feeling like crap,
rawness.,
wooden girl
Lord, forgive us, for we knew not what they see...
What we should be to the World:

What we look like to the World:

I understand that this is very graphic and I cry with a deep sob as I look at the picture right above my writing.
It was almost too inappropriate for me to post,
and so I must tell you, my dear readers, that is exactly why I chose to.
This is what the world sees, in essence, of Christianity.
The pure perversion so pains my heart that I can barely keep my thoughts together.
One object still rings out in my head: this is how we, The Church, look to most people.
Just as disgusting as the rest of the world, except we say we have Christ.
FILTH.
For those of us who think killing children - unborn babies, is okay, their blood is on OUR hands.
For those of us who don't pray against this terror, their blood is on our heads.
For those of us who choose to wear the christian garb as we blatantly live in sin - be it gossip, lust, jealousy, complacency, lukewarmity, and outright bitterness and pride - we look as disgusting as this man and bare the irony of his image.
My heart breaks.
I will continue my plea that God would so move my heart and so shake my soul that I can do nothing but work against what we've portrayed; that I can do nothing but love on people and actively live out what I believe.
I refuse to be UnChristian.
I will pledge myself to the call of Christ: to Have no other gods besides YHWH, and to love my neighbor as I love myself, even if it means to lay down my life - while I still live.
O Church - reveal the true Bride of Christ and separate yourselves from Babylon's Whore.
What we look like to the World:
I understand that this is very graphic and I cry with a deep sob as I look at the picture right above my writing.
It was almost too inappropriate for me to post,
and so I must tell you, my dear readers, that is exactly why I chose to.
This is what the world sees, in essence, of Christianity.
The pure perversion so pains my heart that I can barely keep my thoughts together.
One object still rings out in my head: this is how we, The Church, look to most people.
Just as disgusting as the rest of the world, except we say we have Christ.
FILTH.
For those of us who think killing children - unborn babies, is okay, their blood is on OUR hands.
For those of us who don't pray against this terror, their blood is on our heads.
For those of us who choose to wear the christian garb as we blatantly live in sin - be it gossip, lust, jealousy, complacency, lukewarmity, and outright bitterness and pride - we look as disgusting as this man and bare the irony of his image.
My heart breaks.
I will continue my plea that God would so move my heart and so shake my soul that I can do nothing but work against what we've portrayed; that I can do nothing but love on people and actively live out what I believe.
I refuse to be UnChristian.
I will pledge myself to the call of Christ: to Have no other gods besides YHWH, and to love my neighbor as I love myself, even if it means to lay down my life - while I still live.
O Church - reveal the true Bride of Christ and separate yourselves from Babylon's Whore.
Word Association:
Beast,
heart,
infectious diseases,
rawness.,
The Church,
UnChristianity
I laughed because the truth is, I really AM a sinner without Christ!!

I would like to insert something I wrote to a friend on our blog this time last year, into this one. The truth is startling and absolutely full of laughter for its truth. I busted out and laughed at myself!
God is showing me the pride I sensed in myself but was never mature enough to face OR understand HOW to because it was so great and deep within myself.
I mean really? before, I would admit that I'm screwed up, but somehow get this twisted idea that there was no point to have to repent ABOUT it because you would screw up again anyway and why would God want you to do THAT if you didn't mean it?
So God has in a process actually said to me, "So you say you're screwed up."
"Yes" I say. "I am Definitely screwed up."
"Then you need to repent every day."
"Why? I'll just screw up again."
"Thats why I say my mercies are renewed every morning."
"But if I repent everyday that would mean..."
"that would mean that you screw up everyday..."
".....................wow................"
"Shocker isn't it?"
"........................wow................."
"You aren't perfect, are you?"
"..............wow.............you're right. I'm not............"
"Thats why you need it EVERY MORNING."
".....................wow....................I do!..........."
And so I have finally realized that I always held myself to a standard of perfection which in itself is an imperfect standard... and expected myself to be perfect and got so ashamed of myself if I did something IMperfect. But now I'm being broken down. And all of a sudden... I'm beginning to know my place. that place is, though I have a right to my own thoughts, I have no right to judge. I have no rights, period.
ah.
I'm tired.
I would be tired too, if I had just come up with that!
be reminded, had laugh! We think we're perfect, but the truth is, we think we're perfectly screwed up and we're really not! we're just... screwed up.
Praise the Lord that we are! I would be worried if we weren't!
So here's my next new song that I just finished today.
Enjoy and ask me to do it for you some time!
The Cry of a Sinner
By Sarah F. G-----
7/3/08-7/9/08
Sometimes I forget that this is not my home
Sometimes I forget that I’m not alone
And sometimes I forget that I’m alive
When all I’ve known comes crashing down before my very eyes
And this is my binding creed
This is what makes me, what breaks me
Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.
There’s no sense on dwelling on what is gone
Nor in wishing what’s true isn’t true.
So let my hope rise with the wind that blows my hair in my face
And whisk me off to the now of a new day
But this is my binding creed
This is what makes me, what breaks me
Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.
Life happens to all of us, you and me
But it all happens for a reason
So let my bitterness roll away with the stone from His grave
And let me rise with the Son who saves [it’s a new day]
And this is my victory
This is what makes me free
Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.
God I thank you for my circumstances. Its what the most beautiful perfumes of worship come from, what my most lovely fall comes from. I know that someday I'll see the whole picture and I'll see it through your eyes. But today I recognize that I am but human, and that I do feel loss and pain and betrayal and rejection. I feel hurt. Thank you Jesus for your gift of emotions. Here is my offering to you. Here is my praise for all you've cleaned out of my life... and out of my closet. Praise you Jesus. You are my sweet song. I love you.
Word Association:
New Song,
New Time,
Pearls,
psalms,
rawness.,
real girl,
Sarah's Stuff,
selah,
Sin. ... God's Love for us,
song,
songs,
tough times,
writings
O Tree where art thou Fruits?

The Stand still.
That's where I am right now.
I'm at the stand still.
I mean, I'm not standing still in anything.... my relationship with God, every day that goes by, my jobs, the intern program... everything keeps going and coming to a slow, quick end. Well, the things that mean the most to me, that is. So much change. I'll be ending the intern program in less then 2 weeks. Its so weird that something that stretched me so much, something that I once was so excited to begin, something that was a whole 10 months, is now coming to an end.
But so much is coming to an end.
My time as a youth leader.
my time as a worship leader at Blast, the Race AND Contact.
My time as an intern.
My time at Cornerstone?
I'm not sure.
But one thing I DO know is, God offered me so many options. I was so confused until I realized He was just looking for a willingness to do ANY one of them for Him!
And when I was willing, God spoke to my heart. In the midst of all the transition at the church, in the midst of what seems to be my EMERGING into the calling of God on my life, in the midst of so much opportunity for ministry work!... would I step down if He were to ask me?
I do not remember the moment this happened. But I do know it happened. And I also know that at that moment, God allowed me to be guided by His peace, because He had offered me the option He wanted me to take, and He knew that if I was listening, I would follow.
And so here I am.
Honestly?
I'm terrified that I have no hold on my life.
A friend said to me, "you know why God asked you to step down and out? Its because you've put all your trust in your 'call' into ministry for your future instead of God." maybe that's not the exact words she said... but that's exactly how I heard it.
She is right.
I've never thought that maybe God wanted something different for my life other than "full-time ministry" as I knew it.
But, here is my hope and peace: as I've decided to step down, God has put in my heart a calling stronger then EVER to full-time ministry.
The difference? It might be to something totally and completely different then what I thought full-time ministry meant.
Now, I need to wait.
argh. I'm bad at waiting. I mean, I'm good at it for a little while, but then I get antsy after a while and by the time the waiting period is pulling through full-term, I usually have myself near convinced that I'm going to die from not doing anything.
But here's a very very valid thing: dude, you're not supposed to just wait around while you're waiting. You're supposed to create a JESUS CULTURE. You're supposed to create an environment around you. You're supposed to create something with what you've got.
Hello?! The parable of the servant and the talents? We're not supposed to bury the moment God gave us and wait for Him to give us another OR to come back! We're supposed to DO something with it!
SO many times I listen to people talk, talk, talk about how we need a revolution. How we need people on fire for God. How if people were REAL believers, the atmosphere would be different, there would be a mass difference in our culture.
And you know what I see? NOTHING. Talk, talk, talk and book after book after book, but NOTHING.
People read those books and go, "wow, that is soo true! That was good." But you see absolutely NO fruits. None. And this is uniform throughout our country from those who live a normal every day life to those who title themselves preachers, pastors, evangelists, and ministers.
And then I get challenged, "well you can't make that generalization, Sarah. You can't say that."
Oh YES I can.
Statistics say that 90% of Americans call themselves Christians. 90%!
The Bible says that we are not to be judgemental, but that we DO need to judge good from evil and discern the spirits AND tell a good tree by its good fruit and a bad tree by its BAD fruit OR by no fruit at ALL, like the fig tree Jesus cursed!
People who aren't Christians aren't to be judged by the standards God has set for us. They don't count here. Why? Because they don't count themselves as that 90%. Thank God for a LITTLE honesty here!
WE'RE counting the 90% of "Christians" in America.
The Bible says if 1 person can slay (or reach) 1000 that 2 people can slay (or reach) 10,000.
So, if this is true, we should see an increase of Fruits of that by 9000%.
Ministries and Churches couldn't be started QUICK enough to hold all the followers and believers! in 2005 a Bible software company took a survey to see what the percentage of users were missionaries. it was about 13%.
Now, if 13% of ALL Christians in America were just missionaries, do you know what kind of IMPACT that would have on our WORLD ALONE?!
I think its safe to say that the Church in America isn't doing their job.
Fewer and fewer young people ever come back to the churches let alone study to be ministers or pastors.
according to statistics done by Battle Cry, just 3% of all American students will be evangelical Christians in the up-coming generation.
That sucks.
So you know what? I'm not going to let the Church misrepresent Jesus Christ this way.
God asked me to wait on Him.
But He never made me an exception to His call for us to be His witnesses in all of our Jerusalem's, Judea's, Samaria's and to the ends of the earth!
Or how about our Niniva's? The places you don't want to go or be?
Guess what! I don't want to just stay here!
But God wants me to wait.
And so I will.
But I'm creative. If He wants me to wait, then this is a test of what I'm going to do with this waiting period of my life. Will I prove myself faithful and give it back to Him doubled? He gives me something that seems like nothing, but if I just be myself, I'll make it into something and isn't that twice as great as what it was before?
God never calls us to be dormant.
Never.
In fact, it has been said that satan's greatest deception is Christianity as it America knows it - lukewarm, boring, dull and the eqivilant of a spiritual Kansas - dry, seemingly fruitless and plain, but a necessary way to get to Colorado from Ohio. :-p
Thats not a true believer's walk, by any stretch.
Kansas isn't anyone's dream spot to live, and neither is it very pleasant to kiss dry, crackling lips.
A true Follower's life should be ample with Joy, green from the Holy Spirit who's called the water to every part of the soul. It should be full of trees of life, and of all the fruits of the spirit.
YES, there WILL be weeds and prickle bushes and trees that don't bear fruit or even bear BAD fruit at times, but God works those OUT of our lives! He really, really does; if we let Him weed them.
When we allow God to be everything to us, all of a sudden we don't need to force ourselves to be witnesses. we ARE a walking, showing, talking witness! Notice how I said showing? It'll be SO EVIDENT that Jesus is you're center beCAUSE you're so full of Him that you're messy - you spill Him EVERYWHERE! When you walk, you leave Jesus-Love tracks. When you hug someone, you get Jesus all over them. Where you walk, you've taken back Holy ground!
The fruits of the spirit will be good and guess what? People will eat from them around you. You'll IMPACT them. You'll be planting seeds just because you can't help it, and esPECIALLY if people can't help but eat of the fruits!
Dormant Christianity? It stops here.
It stops with me. I'll either be hot or I'll be cold, but you can count me out if I'm going to be like puke in God's mouth.
I challenge the Church to do the same.
Are you in? Or are you out?
Simple as that, O 90%. Simple as that.
a Jesus generation

I've decided we're not real enough with anyone.
I've decided that we're really high on ourselves a LOT. I wish people would see this because I think a lot of the time the older generation of Church is so focused on trying to be righteous before God that they forget that the younger generation needs direction too.
You can't just force something to be when its not! Its a process to get to a place of such perversion, its going to be a process to become right before God!
Just because you're doing a great job doesn't mean others know how too!
I think the Church assumes that young people are just going to pick up on this, but the problem is that we tell people what NOT to do, and oops! We forgot to tell them what we're actual human beings too. So we're fakers. We brush things under a rug and either rape grace for what its worth OR pretend that we're not struggling at all.
Then you've got these young people who see right through it and want nothing to do with it because no one's really willing to
a. keep it real and admit that no matter how old you are, you struggle.
and
b. remember where you came from.
I know, a lot of people say, "yeah, but I'm forgiven for that and thats in the past. So lets forget about it."
Yes, you may be forgiven, but don't think God doesn't want to use that! Your biggest hurt, your biggest struggle, your biggest regret, IS your greatest ministry to people.
They need to know that even the most christianeze people struggle with every day things.
Its the only way people relate!
Its the way Jesus relates to us.
Don't think for one moment that Jesus was never sexually tempted, or that He never had steamy thought run through His head.
You know what made Him perfect? He knew how to grab it and cast it at God's feet, taking every thought captive and choosing to not dwell on those things.
He saw the bigger picture, so it wasn't a match for what His purpose was on the earth. But the point is that there is NOTHING that He hasn't had to deal with.
He was transparent with His guys. He taught based on how He knew people would understand.
Of COURSE He understood why He was there and what He was about to do, but no one ELSE did, so He taught on the terms that they would understand: Stories.
Thats how we should teach as the Church: we need to teach in a way that not only grasps people's attention, but also create personal relation between the story of the cross and the heart of the person.
We can't just expect people to be attracted to something they're not attracted to.
You know what the most timeless thing that will attract anyone in the world at any given time in the history or future?
Love.
simple as that.
They will know us by our love.
If you have it in your heart, it'll come out in all you do.
Love.
The more Love you have, the more people you'll attract.
The more God you have, the more you have Love.
The more you really love people, the more you'll upset your invironment and circle of influence - not negatively, but spiritually.
Seeds are planted, hearts are stired, minds are wreeling.
Curiosity sets in, questions are asked, you let the Son shine.
A passion is awakened, a respect is gained, more thoughts are stired.
its about meeting people where they are, not afraid to get your hands dirty, though wise enough not to allow your heart to be palluted.
Jesus gave His hand to the prostitute to lift her up.
He spit in the sand and put mud on a blind man's eyes.
He called a tax collector to be His companion.
He spent His time with a sailor with a big mouth.
They didn't influence Him, rather, they walked away, never to be the same.
Why? Because He truly loved them.
Not because He talorated their sin, but because He loved their heart.
Because of that, they walked away from their sins.
They followed Jesus.
The generation of today will walk away from their sins if the Church will love them enough to LOVE them like Jesus. To know them like Jesus. To show them grace like Jesus.
Are we up to it?
I gotta say:
we're not doing it if we're on myspace 24/7.
or when we're taking stupid surveys.
or when we're pining over who's our next crush.
or when we're gossiping with our friends.
or when we're writing a blog a day.
or when we're taking pictures of ourselves all the time.
or when we're busy gratifying our laziness.
what an oxymoron.
I write this because I'm doing it. I'm going to do it. I have been doing it.
And I'm writing this to challenge you:
How many people have you witnessed to about what God's doing in your life in the last week?
In the last month?
since the start of the new year?
Now think of how many people you have contact with a day.
Are you doing your part in being the church?
Are you loving people?
Are you worshipping God loudly with your life?
Or are you too busy loving yourself?
And is that love at all? Because that sounds like selfcenteredness to me.
And I gotta tell ya,
faith without love?
Its noise.
Its loud loud noise.
"You can fake a lot of things, but you can't fake the fruit of your life."
Word Association:
Adventure,
back to the basics,
Jesus,
rawness.,
reality,
Sin. ... God's Love for us,
The Church,
thoughts,
worship
After the Twenty First Time, Its time I got my hands dirty.
There's a song that has really impacted me a lot lately. Every time I hear it, it blows me away.
Monk & Neagle - The Twenty-First Time
Nowhere to live, nowhere to fall
He used to have money, but he’s wasted it all.
His face is a photograph burned in my mind,
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time
He sleeps under stars, that’s all he can afford
His blanket’s an old coat he’s had since the war
He stands on the corner of Carter and Vine
But I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time
He may be a drifter, he’s grown old and gray
But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time
She’s twenty-nine but she feels forty-eight
She can’t raise three kids on minimum wage
She’s cryin’ in back of the welfare line
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time
She may be a stranger tryin’ to get through the day
but what if it’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time
This is a call for a change in my heart
I realize that I’ve not been doin’ my part
when I needed a Savior, I found it in Him
He gave to me, now I’ll give back to them
Drifter or stranger, father or son
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time
This song hits me hard in that... we SAY we love poeple. We SAY we're doing our best to be Jesus' hands and His feet...
but then, What are we like inside our hearts? What thoughts do we entertain in our brains?
Does it seem like you turn away and ignore whats going on around you, for the twenty first time?
You want to know why 21 is so important?
it means that 3 TIMEs, we as the body had 7 opportunties to be Jesus to the world.
and 3 times 7, we ignore the tug of the Holy Spirit.
the part that gets me about this song is that it can relate to us as idividuals, OR as the Body of Christ in one person. What the body does is what we do. We're His Bride. We are One Body.
So figuratively speaking, the Body has turned and looked the other way, rather then to get their hands dirty with someone else's sin.
How many times does the Lord get His hands dirty with our sins.
How many sins did he bear on the cross.
How many times did He hurt because of us,
and yet we think we're too high above to "stupe down the their level".
How many times do you think Jesus could have had that attitude... that He's too high above us to stupe down to our level?
How many times do we forget who God is and who He's call us to be?
We sing along to Hands and Feet by Audio Adrenaline. But what have we done besides say the words and go on with our lives?
Do you know that the band couldn't just write the song and do the same?
They had to LIVE IT OUT AFTER THAT.
They couldn't just be hypocritical. They started an orginization. They WENT places. They did THINGs. They got down and dirty and made a difference.
"But they're a band!" you say. "They can DO that stuff!"
So?
I'm a worship leader. Does that qualify me any less?
I'm a girl who loves Jesus. Does THAT qualify me any less?
I can't write this and not try to make a difference.
Can you read this and not be convicted to do the same?
I dare you to follow Jesus and be the outcast he's called us all to be with Him.
I'll try my best to be a voice in the dessert as the personality that I am and proclaim, "prepare ye the way of the Lord!"
In the name of Jesus so let it be done.
How fanatical are YOU willing to be?
Or are you even willing?
Word Association:
Child Warrior,
God,
Jesus,
My Giant,
New Time,
rawness.,
real girl,
reality,
Sin. ... God's Love for us,
wonder,
wooden girl,
writings
Ouch
you know, Lord?
This sucks.
I feel used, I feel invisible and I feel like just another girl.
It sucks that I feel that way.
Of course, I asked You to use me. I shouldn't be complaining!
me: "Lord!! Use me Use me Use me!!!!!!"
God: "Okay!"
later...
Me: "God!!! I feel so used!"
God: "But you said.."
Me: ".....I'm sorry, this just...I feel like I didn't even benifit from this. I feel like all it did was hurt me and give me a lesson learned."
God: "Sarah..."
Me: "Wait.. I know I'm so selfish. I SHOULDN'T sit here and tell you I didn't get anything out of this and complain. But God... .... and I don't WANT to complain, and I'll try NOT to, Jesus! Its just that... and I know I deserve a lot of what I get, but ... why me? Of all the people who.. I guess the question really is why NOT me? Lord, this hurts, I don't understand but I give this to you. I trust You, Lord. I do. Its just hard. Give me joy."
God: "Sarah, I love you, darling. I will be gentle. You are strong in Me. You'll see. You will dance. You will shout. You will bring glory. Just don't forget Me now. Press on. You'll see My will in due time, dear Child. I love you."
Sigh.
here I am
screwed up
beat up.
feeling hung out to dry.
I feel like an idiot.
I wear my heart on my sleave.
I give and give, and then cry and hurt when people throw it back.
I want to NOT give... but... I'm meant to.
and I screwed up.
maybe thats why this hurts more... because of my choices.
I didn't guard my heart.
sigh.
but its not broken.
and I'm not strong.
But God Is.
thats all the reason I need.
This sucks.
I feel used, I feel invisible and I feel like just another girl.
It sucks that I feel that way.
Of course, I asked You to use me. I shouldn't be complaining!
me: "Lord!! Use me Use me Use me!!!!!!"
God: "Okay!"
later...
Me: "God!!! I feel so used!"
God: "But you said.."
Me: ".....I'm sorry, this just...I feel like I didn't even benifit from this. I feel like all it did was hurt me and give me a lesson learned."
God: "Sarah..."
Me: "Wait.. I know I'm so selfish. I SHOULDN'T sit here and tell you I didn't get anything out of this and complain. But God... .... and I don't WANT to complain, and I'll try NOT to, Jesus! Its just that... and I know I deserve a lot of what I get, but ... why me? Of all the people who.. I guess the question really is why NOT me? Lord, this hurts, I don't understand but I give this to you. I trust You, Lord. I do. Its just hard. Give me joy."
God: "Sarah, I love you, darling. I will be gentle. You are strong in Me. You'll see. You will dance. You will shout. You will bring glory. Just don't forget Me now. Press on. You'll see My will in due time, dear Child. I love you."
Sigh.
here I am
screwed up
beat up.
feeling hung out to dry.
I feel like an idiot.
I wear my heart on my sleave.
I give and give, and then cry and hurt when people throw it back.
I want to NOT give... but... I'm meant to.
and I screwed up.
maybe thats why this hurts more... because of my choices.
I didn't guard my heart.
sigh.
but its not broken.
and I'm not strong.
But God Is.
thats all the reason I need.
Word Association:
awe,
Beast,
feeling like crap,
Feelings,
hurt,
I Am,
infectious diseases,
My Giant,
My love story.,
New Song,
okay,
pain,
rawness.,
real girl,
reality,
Sin. ... God's Love for us,
tough times
Myrrhy Christmas...
My heart hurts more then I've ever known it to hurt before. It has ached, it has morned, but it has never actually hurt like this before. I wrote this poem before I knew I would need it. I suppose God knew though.
Maybe what hurts the most is that everything that is going on right now is what God wants, as far as I can see.
I'm not acting out of emotion, I'm acting out of faith. For those of you who don't know how that feels, I'll give you this: "Pain is not the phrase to feel exactly how I do. Ache comes close but even so, its meaning is but crude."
Now, with that being said, here is the rawness of my heart.
When its in My Hands
by Sarah Faith, 12-21-06
Another break, another crack
all within my hands.
A tear, a heave, a sigh, my needs
all withered with my plans.
I hold them dear, every slice -
all crumbs and goods enclosed,
and watch as every porcelain piece
cracks with each tear down my nose.
"Lord! I'm careful, gentle, kind!
I've tried my best I swear!
So why is it that when its mine,
It gets broken when I share?"
Looking down, I take in view
the intricate detail
of every hue, of every charm
my hear had once entailed.
My eyes, they filled with tears again
as if they'd never cried,
as I held the pieces of
my most important of insides.
I hold them out to look again,
thinking of what I'd do,
Should I try some duct tape,
or this time, super glue?
I look up from my thoughts,
into familiar eyes,
And once again, I break down
as if I'd never before cried.
I held out my broken heart,
wrapped up in my soul,
"Lord I broke it again,
When I took it back to hold."
I handed it all over,
gently dropping piece by piece,
the heart that once was whole
that now needed fixed.
A tear dropped from His eye,
the same time one did mine,
and His told me of the pain
He knew, and more, inside.
He gently held my heart,
as His tear fell down His cheek,
and dropped with distinct aim
into my shattered mess with peace.
Before my very eyes,
I then saw with all form
my heart was being healed
as He reached out to my core.
"This will take some time, dear one,
but I will help and share
the burdens that you carry
with the worries and the cares.
Let Me hold your heart again,
and you will finally see
that sharing of your heart, My child,
is showing them to Me.
And then, maybe someday,
they will do the same,
they'll give their hearts back to Me,
again and again.
But remember one thing, Child,
when your heart is in My hands,
Your needs and dreams
will far exceed, all your hopes and plans.
I'm hoping that all this will be as Myrrh unto God.
"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
when sarrows and sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast tought me to say
even so, it is well with my soul."
Maybe what hurts the most is that everything that is going on right now is what God wants, as far as I can see.
I'm not acting out of emotion, I'm acting out of faith. For those of you who don't know how that feels, I'll give you this: "Pain is not the phrase to feel exactly how I do. Ache comes close but even so, its meaning is but crude."
Now, with that being said, here is the rawness of my heart.
When its in My Hands
by Sarah Faith, 12-21-06
Another break, another crack
all within my hands.
A tear, a heave, a sigh, my needs
all withered with my plans.
I hold them dear, every slice -
all crumbs and goods enclosed,
and watch as every porcelain piece
cracks with each tear down my nose.
"Lord! I'm careful, gentle, kind!
I've tried my best I swear!
So why is it that when its mine,
It gets broken when I share?"
Looking down, I take in view
the intricate detail
of every hue, of every charm
my hear had once entailed.
My eyes, they filled with tears again
as if they'd never cried,
as I held the pieces of
my most important of insides.
I hold them out to look again,
thinking of what I'd do,
Should I try some duct tape,
or this time, super glue?
I look up from my thoughts,
into familiar eyes,
And once again, I break down
as if I'd never before cried.
I held out my broken heart,
wrapped up in my soul,
"Lord I broke it again,
When I took it back to hold."
I handed it all over,
gently dropping piece by piece,
the heart that once was whole
that now needed fixed.
A tear dropped from His eye,
the same time one did mine,
and His told me of the pain
He knew, and more, inside.
He gently held my heart,
as His tear fell down His cheek,
and dropped with distinct aim
into my shattered mess with peace.
Before my very eyes,
I then saw with all form
my heart was being healed
as He reached out to my core.
"This will take some time, dear one,
but I will help and share
the burdens that you carry
with the worries and the cares.
Let Me hold your heart again,
and you will finally see
that sharing of your heart, My child,
is showing them to Me.
And then, maybe someday,
they will do the same,
they'll give their hearts back to Me,
again and again.
But remember one thing, Child,
when your heart is in My hands,
Your needs and dreams
will far exceed, all your hopes and plans.
I'm hoping that all this will be as Myrrh unto God.
"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
when sarrows and sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast tought me to say
even so, it is well with my soul."
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