When Your Dreams are Dashed and Your Heart is Broken

I was 13 years old.  I was sure I’d get married to my first love by the time I was 22.

I envisioned a lovely, romantic courtship much like Anne of Green Gables and her beau, Gilbert Blythe or Laura Ingalls and Almanzo Wilder.  We were going to start out as friends; we’d secretly love each other and one day, we’d just get married.

While these are sweet sentiments to grow up dreaming about, it was quite the crash when I fell from the clouds of these expectations.

A Pilgrim's Process

Have you ever been in a season of your life where NOTHING goes the way you planned and EVERY way you thought you would react is absolutely not the way you end up reacting?
Or how about the one where you don't just wrestle with God all night long - but for MONTHS long?
Or what about the season where you almost welcome the ugly truth at any cost, just so there's finally some absolutes in the muddled mess of chaos that seems to be all-encompassing in the brain and heart part of your life?

Add those 3 examples up and stir in a few more - and you've got the season I've been in for probably the last 2 months or so.

I've had more midnight encounters with the Lord in the last 5 months than I've had in my entire lifetime.
I remember asking God to inconvenience me if it meant losing sleep at night.  I didn't know that the answer to this prayer would be accompanied by the turmoil I've been facing in my heart these past few months.

In a nutshell, I've been facing the all-too-real fact that apart from God, I can do nothing that benefits me or anyone else.  Not only that,

Dating and Marriage and Babies - OH MY!

Its unbelievable to me.  EVERY one is dating, marrying and having babies.  Its nuts.
It makes me wonder how God decides which people are going to find the right person and start their family right away and which people He kinda just...takes His time making anything happen in that arena of life.
I'm definitely not annoyed.  How can I be?  These people are my friends!  I'm so happy that God is moving in their lives and allowing it to grow and move forward.

But it definitely makes me wonder what God's ideal is for MY life.
Am I just... supposed to wait?  Am I supposed to GO?  And if I'm suppose to go, WHERE TO?

I'm coming to the end of my dream rope.  I don't really have any more dreams, honestly.  Whats so weird is that I always felt I was a big dreamer.  But I've noticed that the only dream I have is to be married and move forward in ministry with a husband.  Thats it.  Thats not even a BIG dream.  As I'm realizing, thats a NORMAL dream.  Unless you're me.  Because normal is all around me.  I, on the other hand seem to be the only abnormal human being out there.  Of course I'm not the only one!  I have a handful of friends who are in the same boat I'm in.  But here I am, 22 years old and I don't have any more dreams.  NADA.

WOW.  Nothing?!  Not even one?  Well I dream of being apart of something BIG!  But I have no clue what "big" means... or what "big" pertains to.

So John Wimber (founder of the Vineyard movement) shared once that he was struggling with why his ministry was only mediocre and without power and the Spirit spoke to him and said. "John, I see your ministry.  Now let Me show you Mine."

God's kinda whispering the same things to me.  "I see your dreams, Sarah.  Now let Me show you Mine."

But its been a process.  I've actually had to recognize and acknowledge that MY dreams for my life are NOT going to happen the way I thought.  I'm starting to let myself be okay with this.  And now the question is not, "God, why did You let this happen to me again?!?"  it becomes, "God...whats YOUR underlying plan in all of this?"  Its not, "God!  Why don't You see my dreams?" and it becomes, "God, when are You going to show me YOUR dreams for my life?"

Its a hard shift though.  The only way that God has been able to get me to let go of my childish, girlish dreams for love and romance is to show me that I can't accomplish them.  Ever, and especially on my own.  That in fact, once I open my clenching fists, I find that these little dreams disintegrated long ago and that I'm wasting time and energy trying to keep what was never mine to have.  God may have romance in mind... but its not the way I thought it would be.

Its a hard lesson to learn.  I'll tell you its true since it seems I'm still in the classroom retaking my test... again.

Its pretty surreal.
Friends marrying the "One" for them (and they KNOW that they know).  Having little ones that are practically mini-thems.  And I get to be Aunt "Waha".  I'm rewatching my parents younger years in my own life.  It wasn't so long ago that they were in the same place.  Twenty-two years goes by faster then I could imagine.  I just hope I'm not a waste of space here.  I need to know God is using my life for something important now if its not my time to have my own husband and children.
So many people say, "you're so young.  You've got so much time!"

I don't understand how they don't think that what they're saying is not only belittling of my feelings but also patronizing.

Yes, I'm young.  But I've been praying for my future husband since I was 12.  I've been actively waiting for this in my life for 10 years now.  I don't think thats a small feat.  I'm not an average girl.  Probably why this is so difficult for me.  I'm not even jealous!  I just feel so frustrated with the smallness of my life.
I'm trying so hard to be faithful.  When is God going to show up for me?  When will I begin to see the fruit of my investments into the Kingdom?  Doesn't God see me?

Of course He does.  I KNOW He does.  I'm in very constant connection with Him... though not as much as I ought.  But nevertheless, I cannot change  my feelings.
If this part of life isn't happening for me, what part is?  I'm determined to be okay with where I am, but its becoming increasingly difficult to be content when I don't even have a vision for my life beyond marriage.
What the heck is wrong with me? When did I stop dreaming and how do I start again?
What is my life amounting to?
Its great if others think I'm anointed to lead worship.  But its MY passion.  What HAS God anointed me to do?  Why am I not satisfied with just that?   OR is it that I need a fresh anointing - a renewed mind?
How do I get that?  How do I move out of this pit I'm stuck in?  How do I get my dance back?

A year ago God was moving my heart and giving me vision after vision for my life.
But - they're visions.  How do I live them out in real life?  And... where the heck is that dancer girl in me?
Where's the joy?  Where's the heaven-perspective?
I'm so hurt and I don't even know what to do to heal except for what I'm already doing: crying hard when it finds me and floods in.  Reading and meditating on the scriptures, especially on Jesus's words.  Focusing on my jobs and being busy with those, getting prayed for once in a while... and dealing with all the junk God keeps surfacing in my heart.  This is no glorious season for me.  I just said all of this and I still want to say, "I don't know what to say."

My heart is so restless.

Whats next?

But, He was not in the Wind...He was in my Car.

I'm surprised at how much I'm writing recently... but after quite the lull in my creative streak, I'm back;  probably because I finally have something useful to say.

I think... that I'm at a place where when heartbreaking things happen to me, I can't fight God anymore about it.

I'm at a point where I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of asking questions that I'm not sure I'm supposed to know the answer to.

I must say though:  I am proud that I did what I was supposed to.  I'm proud that I did the right thing - and didn't  hide who I was or shrink back in what I believe in all of this.
If  I'm not supposed to go a certain route in this journey with God, then there's nothing that can keep me going that way, if I'm truly following Him. For that, I am grateful.  He is so sovereign.
I know I'm going to be okay.  In a way, I'm relieved because I finally feel like I have a grasp on whats going on in my life now - love life, really.
God is going on in my love life.

Blessed are the poor is spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God.

I marvel at how the Lord uses the most distinct, broken situations and, within His calculated life-equations, we are very particularly drawn to Him in our desperate state of dire need of Him.

Such is the place I find myself this week.

Slammed.


I feel slammed. Slammed like a blow to the stomach. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me, and I can honestly say that many members of my family feel the same way.

Does this ever end?


YES.

One day.


Not today.


Today - the Light and the Love of men came and let Himself shine is some areas that none of us even knew existed. It has revealed rebellion, and MUCH devastation.

Interesting, how we never quite realize what we're asking of Him when we ask for Him to reveal His glory in our lives, isn't it?

I've been praying for a while now, that the Lord would help our family.

He IS.

But its not only humbling, its heart-breaking.

I don't think I've ever quite experienced this 'outside' love that I'm beginning to have for my family.

I don't view them the way I used to anymore.
When I look at them, I look at them like my brothers and sisters in the Lord - mother and father included. Of course there's a certain respect you must have... but I will say, there is no one who has been through as much with each other as a family.

There's the most opportunity for betrayal and wounding, but there is also the same amount of opportunity for loving, grace and mercy and build up amongst believers.

I see this potential both ways in my family.
I also see that God's heart breaks for them as well.

It breaks for me.

It breaks for you.

Why?

Because He is full of compassion.

Yet, He is full of judgment. That allows us to make our decisions and then face the consequences of them.

We? We also, then, need to be full of compassion. Judging what is of God and what is not.

Combining grace with truth, dealing with all things through wisdom and discernment.

Am I the master of this?
Absolutely not.
But it starts with awareness and also, understanding.

I don't have any conclusions to this thought process. And to be honest? I know its okay. I guess I'm dealing with a maraud of emotions, and I dare say I find myself struggling with situations that I cannot help except trust that God has a plan.

I will leave you with something that has entirely encouraged me all week.

Faith - faith is built and grown based off of a knowledge of who God is. The more you know God, the more you trust Him, the greater your faith is.

So then, God's whole plan of faith has everything to do with the idea that you would know Him. And He desires that we would know Him.

Blows me away, really. So all this time, I get lost in the equation itself that I forget that the main reason I'm doing it at all is that I'm supposed to get something out of it.

I get lost in figuring out how to live my life in a way that is righteous that I forget that - the ONLY thing He wants from me is to KNOW Him. To LOVE Him and that, DUH, EVERYTHING will line up as I pursue that One Thing.

So Paul - is better understood when He says that He takes great joy in trials and tribulations - because He KNOWS God and trusts Him in everything, even the unpleasant surprises and happenings.

THIS situation with my family? Absolutely no exception, whatsoever.


The End.