An Undefeated Heart

It has definitely been a while since I have expressed my thoughts in this little blog. I'm so glad I have it for the very reason that I may be able to when I am ready. It has been quite the journey so far, this summer, as the Lord is bringing me nearer to His heart.


I know I struggle with holding myself to a standard of perfection, and NO ONE is more disappointed in myself then me when I don't meet it.

Somewhere along the way I started to believe that whenever something bad happened to me, it HAD to have been my fault somehow. I did something. It was a glitch somewhere that I didn't catch. So, I mull over everything I could have done better or differently until I find a fault. I then tweak it and believe that NEXT time, (because of my "fixing the problem") I shouldn't have anymore issues.

But c'mon. I'm human. I mess things up. I don't usually factor that in to my flawed mindset, however, and the vicious cycle continues.

This season has been a time of breaking the cycle.

Frienemies: Living a Life of Love Towards Those Who Hurt You and Hate Your Guts

In response to a comment in my last posting:

How has staying away from people who have hurt me been working out for me?



Its difficult because you still live in the same community. Its difficult when you hear gossip that is STILL going on about you after 7 months or so.
And it takes quite a bit of prayer to keep my heart in a place where I am submitting to God and His heart for EVERYone, including those who have betrayed me.

Its very difficult.

It is a broken thing.


It should've never happened.


But, it did. It did happen and it continues to happen in the body of Christ.
It is a place where God seems to walk His disciples through at some point.

Kind of like the underground railroad, those who have paved the trail before, go back and get people and take them on the journey.

Jesus does the same thing with those who follow Him. He first paved the trail, and now He is taking His truest followers into the depths and turmoils of His life and teaching them how to continue to keep the faith and never lose heart rather.... expanding the heart to be something of a God thing.


My heart is terribly broken for the loss of everything I've ever known. I am beyond blessed to even have the few friendships that have lasted this long.

I have been kissed by the one who has betrayed me. Not once, not twice, but three times. I have been rejected by leaders. I have been made a keeper of the vineyards. Dark but lovely.


Who would have thought that God could love someone like me?

Jesus thought.


Thats why I walk the path that so many pilgrims have walked before me - and my tears join those of the saints on the beaten road that Jesus calls those He loves to walk.

And I am dearly humiliated.

It is NOT easy to continuesly be told that part of it is my fault. It is not easy to have people look on you like you're the black sheep of the bunch. It is not easy when the so called church critics you for your ideas and your passions and condemns you for caring about things beyond the walls of the building.

Its merely working out by the grace of God.


And a continual level of forgiveness in my heart towards these people. And that is not easily kept. Just so everyone knows. I just have to remember not to grow tired of doing the right thing.

Be joyful always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks.



Sigh.




Now to actually continue in that day by day.

A Time of Numbness Comes to a Sudden Close

You know what ticks me off? People who complain about not having any friends, but they were the ones who killed the friendships they had. And you know what? No one hears me complaining?! I'm SO annoyed by those who complain ALL the time about the things they don't have but aren't even willing to admit that THEY'RE the ones who made it all happen CONSCIOUSLY. What happened to sticking with your girls when things got rough? What happened to, "I'm with you girl!"?



I'm pissed off because I can't make friends as easily as people think and the few that I have YEARS with can't deal with me. I'm too much. Its MY fault.


GOD!



I'm SO tired of SCREWY THINGS. ITS NOT A GOD THING. Its an US thing. WE'RE the screwed up ones! What is up with telling people that God told you things but you can't back it up with scripture? What is UP with HINDERING friendships because God told you something? Gah.


I'm SO frustrated.


And the hardest part is: I'm starting to feel EVERYTHING now. No more numbness. Its ALL coming in waves of anger, injustice and just out-right SADNESS.


Mostly I'm just angry. I'm angry at those I trusted to be doing GOD things and instead they're hiding from conflict.


GOD I HATE IT.


I just want to cry. No one's growing up here except for me, and its against my own premonitions.



*This is a disclaimer. Anything that may have been said was spoken out of emotional stress and over-flowed feelings. However, this disclaimer does not disqualify the truth and reality still proclaimed in the entry above. Thank you.