Mercy, Mercy, Mercy

What a month this has been.
My heart has a lot being tossed around in it right now but there's a few things I've decided:

Well-meaning people  can tell me all they want what they think is best for me, or they can tell me that I should be careful about what I'm thinking or deciding is "for me" or "not for me", but it really comes down to one very simple fact: No one knows better what God is guiding me to do than I do.  And no one knows better then I do, the way He speaks to me.

With that understanding in my heart, I feel liberated to fully pursue what I must to bring glory to God.
I'd like to share an excerpt from one of my most recent journal entries about an epiphany I had that will change my mind-view forever.  Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't believe I've ever written any of my personal journal entries in here before!  So making new history in this blog which is seven years and running, here goes.

"This has to be my view - my attitude.  Regardless of how I benefit, Jesus is deserving of all glory, all honor and all praise.  Who do I think I am, expecting to somehow know every reason for why things don't always go my way?  Who cares, besides me?  My point exactly.  I'm so self-centered and I somehow think its my RIGHT to know what and why God lets things play out the way they do.  But here's ONE thing I can rest in: Whatever is happened  whether fair or not, whether just or not, whether explainable or not, whether logical or not, God is a very deliberate God.  EVERY thing will bow a knee to His voice.  He absolutely WILL get the glory in every situation, and He will do everything it takes to get the glory that is due to Him because in MY life, I owe it to Him.  He has been my salvation.  Therefore, it is not a sacrifice but a PLEASURE to suffer whatever affliction comes my way FOR the cause of the glory of God."

I'm being pretty transparent by sharing this thought with all of you - but I am not called to hide the human in me - I'm called to let God's glory shine through my weakness.

Here's the deal:  My desire is to walk in a way that is worthy of my calling.
However God chooses to make me holy as He is holy, I choose THAT way as well.
I'd be an idiot to think that God would allow me to feel comfortable all the time on this path with Him.

Coming back from my trip to IHOP-KC, I was met with 3 conflicts immediately.  3 conflicts that required 3 confrontations which - if ONE is uncomfortable for me, TRY 3 within a 24 hour period.
I'm not actually bad with confrontation, I just hate it, that's all.
As uncomfortable as it was however, the situations were taken care of in a matter of minutes or at the very most, a half an hour.  Why do I worry and get so uptight?
I just need to tackle each thing as they come.

There's so many things I need to process right now - but one thing I CAN say:  If there was ever a time where going somewhere else completely confirmed that where God HAS placed me is exactly where I'm supposed to be, its now.  And I'm so very glad that I have something to go by.

One other thing I know is going on right now:  I'm clearly in a place of waiting and in the waiting, watching.  It is so apparent to me at this point in my life that I would be ridiculous if I try to deny it.  People have said that MAYBE God has other dreams for me than what has been placed in my heart right now.  However, I am a firm believer that if that were the case, He would share a few of them with me so I could at least have a vision and run with it.
But He hasn't given me any other dreams.  He's only expounded on what has already been in my heart and added to that, has given me assignments for this present time.  Those assignments include all the components that make up my working life and so I fully intend on fulfilling God's desires for me in all of it.

But waiting - AH waiting!!  What a time of patience and humility.  What a time of the Spirit silently destroying the very way my mind has been resourcing my heart in expanding my knowledge of God.
The thought is overwhelming: I've been all wrong.  And not on a surface level, either.  My entire make-up - my entire human being is completely backwards in relating to the uncontainable God; and, in order to continue on the Journey I so deeply long to finish and to finish well,  everything I thought I knew and everything I believe I've learned must be undone.
Woe is me for I am RUINED! Because I am a man of unclean (impure) lips  and have a heart completely consumed with my own ambitions. (Isaiah 6:5)
All of it, in vain.  My eyes are just beginning to see the Lord of Hosts.  And every time I see Him better, all I've know prior, is undone.
Praise God for extending mercy to my heart and - (unbelievably added to that!), has also adorning me with grace to safely be changed into a person who reflects His Son, Christ Jesus.

This waiting thing is changing the paradigm of my very breathing existence.

While I watch my watch, could it be an idol?

And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, "So, you men could not keep watch with Me for one hour? Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." - Matt. 26:40-41

What if what I call "waiting" is really an invitation to see.
I sing, "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord.  Open the eyes of my heart..." but then I complain because in my arrogant assumptions and inability to listen,  I've mistaking God's invitation to WATCH and wait with an invitation to  ONLY wait and then somehow feeling like I've been left behind.

I have been proudly marching around and demanding God's blessing and favor with the kind of ignorance of a workman on strike who hasn't done his research or talked to his boss to know what the real issues are - looking like a fool and exposed to the world when the legitimate truth is revealed that actually, the CEO has been silently at work on benefits and raises the workman couldn't of even dreamed of.  Instead of talking to the Boss and watch what He will do, I've been openly making God out to be small and opposite of all He has promised, and of all I have preached to others.  Double-minded and two-faced.

And yet - though I have been a fool, God still clumps me back together and begins molding me on the wheel again.
I have been softened some more.
What mercy.

Woe to me, for I have been undone.

I'm so glad God is undoing me in every part of my life, in every season of my life, and that He is faithful to complete and perfect me until the day of Christ's return (Philip 1:6) - where I will finally look like Him because I will see Him for all of who He is (1 John 3:2).

Maranatha! Amen!!!

Just some thoughts -Not well explained

Hm...

If there was ever a season of writing, THIS is that season.  I'm keeping 2 blogs, tweeting, andddd....3 journals right now for various reasons.

I think its because there's a lot that God is doing in my heart right now.  Lots of good - looking at lots of ugly.
I'm dealing with SO many things that are from years ago - anger, unforgiveness, and all these little girl dreams and things that people have spoken over my life that I've forgotten about ... until now.

I'm surprised at all thats coming out this way, but I guess its time to deal with some things.

God's given me a picture of a hope chest filled with many things - all my childhood and everything that entangled with it.  To open this chest and explore the contents, there IS a catch.  With all the good, I must also face all the bad.

So its definitely been a little journey - one that I've been afraid of, but one that can also be easily fixed:  forgiveness.

But here's the other thing I'm afraid to face:  all my little dreams.

If you read far back enough in this blog, you'll meet an optimistic, romantic, naive, unbroken teenager with the unrealistic, ideal world at her finger tips.
Its been a long time since then, and God is reteaching me that not all that I dreamed of in that time was bad.

Sixteen, going on 17.  6 years ago - and can you believe I've been writing in this blog for that long?

Its hard when everyone's getting married and engaged and YOU'RE the one going through a break-up and readjustment of life.
In all reality though, I've over the break-up.
Its the disappointment that its still not my time yet.

And then to add to all that, everything I know I want (regardless of whether I'm in denial or not) is either right out of my reach and right in front of me (simultaneously)  OR - I just haven't thought of it yet.

So pretty much, its the first one.

I'm going to be real right now:

I don't want to be one of those really cool Christian girls who's just - you just LOVE them - and you can't understand why they're not married yet.   Why God hasn't brought someone around for them.
Unfortunately - haha or maybe fortunately, I have become this very thing.  :)

Is my heart disappointed?  Yes.  I really just want a friend who will know me, enjoy me, dream with me and want me for me.

But will I be okay?

Yeaaah..... I will be.  I always am, anyway.  I'm really not sure what the real lesson is for me right now and I think thats what perplexes me the most at this point today.

I refuse -REFUSE - to take a mindset that question's God's goodness when things aren't going the way I'd like.
Instead, I'm going to be a faithful friend to my lovely sisters who ARE getting married, I'm going to be me, and I'm going to focus on loving people and letting go of the pen to my life.

I DO anticipate what God could do in my life in the next 2 years or so.  I'm actually going to Kansas City for the first time in a few weeks - a road trip with some girlfriends.
I'm pursuing purity on a whole new level - and I'm taking action in guarding my heart better - and guarding the hearts of the one's I love better - both male and female.
And I'm going to try white-water rafting - Something I've always secretly wanted to try.
And I'm applying to go on a mission trip to Africa next June - because I've always wanted to go to Africa since I was 10.
I'm starting to make choices that keep me moving and active and I'm trying to eat better just in general.
And - I'm trying to find opportunities to talk to people about God in the work place.  THATS my deal right now.

The JOY of the Lord is my strength.

I really really really want to bless God and those around me.

I could certainly use yours prayers.
And hey! don't hesitate to write me if you have a thought or a word for me.
I'm always up for that. :)

blessings,

Sarah

She, with unveiled face...

Yes, It has been a while since I've written my thoughts out for the world ... the small of the world that I reach, that is. Be as it may, the Lord is moving in me like I've never experienced before.

I will say I'm GROWING.

I'm frustrated with the amount of flaw I see in myself because I'm trying so hard, and THEN I'm OFFENDED in my little heart when others SAY they see my flaws too.
hah! What can you do? I can't win for losing, it seems. like I said. I'm still growing.

Dreams.

Desires.

Longings of the Heart.

These are things I'm being faced with in my walk with the Lord as of late, and whats funny is that YES! I am being FACED with them.

I am finding myself in a place where the Lord has brought out all of my most precious desires, dreams, longings. The things that are dearest to my soul - he's brought them out from behind lock and key and is holding them out for me to see. But for me, be what it may seem to everyone around me, to look at these things cause a great deal of pain in my life. For a few weeks I stood before the Lord and pointed my little finger in the air and denied them as ever having been my own.

But that doesn't deter the Father. His hand still held them before me.
Of course, there is no way that I would be able to deny Him for long, since He KNOWS me. AND - I know me. This whole denial thing is pointless, really. So we move on in the process. I admit that yes, those ARE indeed my desires. But the acknowledgment of those desires does something for me that I wasn't necessarily expecting: They become real and quite tangible to me. Those aren't JUST the deepest desires of my heart.... THEY ARE the deepest things of my heart - and I want it all desperately.

Which sucks. Because I've been pretty good at being strong about this for quite some time.

So this weekend, it hits its climax with the reality that - um - there's not a single notion of certain things that I desire, at all in front of me. And it was here in this place I found that my most precious sacrifice of love at this time in my life was to lay down all that I've ever longed for - before the Lord in humble submission.

Isn't that what being a follower is all about? Whatever the cost?

I could sit here and write about counting the cost of love to the Lord.
But that would be folly in the light of the price He has paid without batting an eyelash.
Its not about the cost anyway. Its about how great the Love.

I'm ... absolutely in love with the Lord. Hah! - I sit here thinking about what I DON'T have... but the truth is, I have it ALL, when I'm with Him. I'm not lacking a thing. And I'm glad to say that in all of my immaturity and in all the times I don't live up to my claim, Its His grace that allows me to be bold in my confidence and live with an unveiled radiance of freedom and glory.

His grace is the covering over all of my nakedness - all of my ugliest parts, still being worked out of me. Hah, and how Jesus loves us more than Noah's sons loved him and covered him!

I'm beginning to touch the surface of what real love might be. And what real love begins to look like towards others, when I've been loved sufficiently - His grace, being enough to perfect me in Him.

I've been writing a lot lately in my personal journals and a song kind of slipped out from somewhere inside. First time in probably 2 years, actually.
I'd love to share it with you - and also - KNOW that it is subject to be added to in the future. But for now, Here I GO.

Here I Go Again (revised)
by Sarah Faithy (as always) 11-2-09

Here I go again
and I'll direct my prayers by the point of my pen
and I don't even know who you are
But for you, dear One, my heart is set apart

I'm a garden enclosed
safe within the cleft of the rocks
I'm a mystery
I'll captivate you with one glance


This will be something beautiful
Oh the Love of God is powerful (wonderful)
Underneath the shadow in the secret place
that's where you'll find me - I will be waiting.

As I fall for the Lord
I find I'm beginning to love you more
and I don't even know your name
but I don't need convinced that you're worth the wait

My beloved and my friend
you are distinguished among ten thousand
make haste, my betrothed
be like a deer and leap over the mountains, into your garden

:)

Frienemies: Living a Life of Love Towards Those Who Hurt You and Hate Your Guts

In response to a comment in my last posting:

How has staying away from people who have hurt me been working out for me?



Its difficult because you still live in the same community. Its difficult when you hear gossip that is STILL going on about you after 7 months or so.
And it takes quite a bit of prayer to keep my heart in a place where I am submitting to God and His heart for EVERYone, including those who have betrayed me.

Its very difficult.

It is a broken thing.


It should've never happened.


But, it did. It did happen and it continues to happen in the body of Christ.
It is a place where God seems to walk His disciples through at some point.

Kind of like the underground railroad, those who have paved the trail before, go back and get people and take them on the journey.

Jesus does the same thing with those who follow Him. He first paved the trail, and now He is taking His truest followers into the depths and turmoils of His life and teaching them how to continue to keep the faith and never lose heart rather.... expanding the heart to be something of a God thing.


My heart is terribly broken for the loss of everything I've ever known. I am beyond blessed to even have the few friendships that have lasted this long.

I have been kissed by the one who has betrayed me. Not once, not twice, but three times. I have been rejected by leaders. I have been made a keeper of the vineyards. Dark but lovely.


Who would have thought that God could love someone like me?

Jesus thought.


Thats why I walk the path that so many pilgrims have walked before me - and my tears join those of the saints on the beaten road that Jesus calls those He loves to walk.

And I am dearly humiliated.

It is NOT easy to continuesly be told that part of it is my fault. It is not easy to have people look on you like you're the black sheep of the bunch. It is not easy when the so called church critics you for your ideas and your passions and condemns you for caring about things beyond the walls of the building.

Its merely working out by the grace of God.


And a continual level of forgiveness in my heart towards these people. And that is not easily kept. Just so everyone knows. I just have to remember not to grow tired of doing the right thing.

Be joyful always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks.



Sigh.




Now to actually continue in that day by day.

pain

i hurt.



and it really hurts.



God sees.


He really sees.



Thank You Lord. I'll cling to the cross.

True Influence...

So last night was my last night at cornerstone chapel. My heart ached, my eyes cried. But it was one last, sad look on the place of, really, my spiritual youth.

I grew up in the way I should go, there.

But, though God is at work in the place where I've spent so much of my life, He's on to a new thing with me.


I scanned the place where I led worship so many times for so many different people. I took in the carpet that held so many of my tears as I sought some floor space.
I looked at the corner where I sat and prayed for so many people.
I sat in the chairs I never actually sat in very much because I was always in the sound booth running the computer or sound...

And I watched as my pastor - the one who showed me how to lead and pastor as I do now, get on his knees and wash both the new youth pastor and the new youth directors' feet.

I watched as 3 of the strongest men in my life openly wepped, being humbled in so many different ways.

I saw Jesus.


And so, as I took all of this in, I couldn't help but wonder - what sort of legacy did I leave?

None but a few people talked to be as I spent my last Wednesday watching everything go on around me.
I'm sure many have their opinions of me and my choice to leave. I'm sure many are glad. But then there were a few people, surprising as it was, whom I never knew would hug me with tears in their eyes and thank me...

My heart is overwhelmed with a sadness, a love, and a need to continue forward.
I loved these people. I still do. In so many ways I pastored them... as did all the rest of the youth leaders.

But God gave me charge over the 6th grade girls this year, thanks to Pastor Mark, and those girls were MY girls. :)

I grew so much as I taught them as best I could what God has been showing me. I probably grew more then they did.
But one thing I know... it meant more then anything to me when they each gave me hugs as I watched them deal in their own way with the fact that I wouldn't be there again.

Some were silly and acted normal.

Then there were just a few... just a few who sadly looked at me through those beautiful little eyes of theirs and told me they'd miss me and couldn't stop hugging me.

God!

THAT is God.

I could never have loved those girls the way I did without God's love... and that Love He first loved me with.

They mean soo much to me. Heh, no matter what I was going through each week, they were a constant reminder that I needed to just look past myself and my problems for a while to see the beauty of the Lord in each little heart as I listened to THEIR problems.


Influence.

11 years old and the Lord revealed Himself to me. I was 12 years old when He encountered me with His Spirit. 13 when I started thinking about missions. I was 14 when I knew I'd follow Him into the ministry. 16 when I began to lead worship. 18 When I began to truly pursue ministry as a life job... All of which Pastor Mark has only encouraged and helped develope as time went on. Now here at 19, the Lord thinks its time to move MY influencer on. He thinks I'm ready to be without him.

I think of how much Pastor Mark influenced my life... How much his life - the way he lived it, impacted mine.

And then I think of how for just the short amount of essential time I may have influenced these blossoming young women. What will they remember so many years down the line that may have impacted them?

I pray it was Jesus they saw.
I pray that the way I lived MY life, the way I conducted myself, is something they will consider, and that in some strange way, they'd imitate my faith, just as I have been trying to imitate PM's.

I hope that this part of my life would line up with Hebrews 13:7 -

Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith.

I guess you could say that I'm blown away by all God continues to show me about how important it is to represent Jesus to the world.
But you can't just start with the world first.

You must start small. Start young. Start with what God gives you.
Its sort of like the promise of Abraham that we go by - God will multiply us. I may not see the fruits of my labor, but those girls may. Praise the Lord.

:)

What peace, to know that in His time, God makes all things beautiful?

As long as for me, that beauty is in producing fruit, It'll be worth all the heart ache.

It'll be worth every tear.

After the Twenty First Time, Its time I got my hands dirty.

There's a song that has really impacted me a lot lately. Every time I hear it, it blows me away.

Monk & Neagle - The Twenty-First Time

Nowhere to live, nowhere to fall
He used to have money, but he’s wasted it all.
His face is a photograph burned in my mind,
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He sleeps under stars, that’s all he can afford
His blanket’s an old coat he’s had since the war
He stands on the corner of Carter and Vine
But I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He may be a drifter, he’s grown old and gray
But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

She’s twenty-nine but she feels forty-eight
She can’t raise three kids on minimum wage
She’s cryin’ in back of the welfare line
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

She may be a stranger tryin’ to get through the day
but what if it’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

This is a call for a change in my heart
I realize that I’ve not been doin’ my part
when I needed a Savior, I found it in Him
He gave to me, now I’ll give back to them

Drifter or stranger, father or son
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time

This song hits me hard in that... we SAY we love poeple. We SAY we're doing our best to be Jesus' hands and His feet...

but then, What are we like inside our hearts? What thoughts do we entertain in our brains?

Does it seem like you turn away and ignore whats going on around you, for the twenty first time?

You want to know why 21 is so important?

it means that 3 TIMEs, we as the body had 7 opportunties to be Jesus to the world.

and 3 times 7, we ignore the tug of the Holy Spirit.

the part that gets me about this song is that it can relate to us as idividuals, OR as the Body of Christ in one person. What the body does is what we do. We're His Bride. We are One Body.

So figuratively speaking, the Body has turned and looked the other way, rather then to get their hands dirty with someone else's sin.

How many times does the Lord get His hands dirty with our sins.

How many sins did he bear on the cross.

How many times did He hurt because of us,

and yet we think we're too high above to "stupe down the their level".

How many times do you think Jesus could have had that attitude... that He's too high above us to stupe down to our level?
How many times do we forget who God is and who He's call us to be?

We sing along to Hands and Feet by Audio Adrenaline. But what have we done besides say the words and go on with our lives?

Do you know that the band couldn't just write the song and do the same?

They had to LIVE IT OUT AFTER THAT.
They couldn't just be hypocritical. They started an orginization. They WENT places. They did THINGs. They got down and dirty and made a difference.

"But they're a band!" you say. "They can DO that stuff!"

So?

I'm a worship leader. Does that qualify me any less?

I'm a girl who loves Jesus. Does THAT qualify me any less?

I can't write this and not try to make a difference.

Can you read this and not be convicted to do the same?

I dare you to follow Jesus and be the outcast he's called us all to be with Him.

I'll try my best to be a voice in the dessert as the personality that I am and proclaim, "prepare ye the way of the Lord!"

In the name of Jesus so let it be done.

How fanatical are YOU willing to be?


Or are you even willing?

The Warrior is a Child

I almost feel safe to write here since it seems like this blog is forgotten now. Good. I can write for myself.

My heart hurts. Kind of like how after an earth quake, the earth will have that one last rumble.. almost like a reverb of the real thing.

That's what I'm going through. I've been through the initial pain, but its like I'm getting that feedback - that reverb. I feel... sick.

Not sick sick. Sick. I feel so used. I feel so discarded - like no one could really love me... its all just fake. And really, that no guy out there that could love me the way I need to be loved, would be able to stay true... to give me his word, to commit to my heart. I feel so... beside myself.

Do not take this wrong:

Jesus is my ALL. ALL my hope is in Him. ALL my love is in Him. ALL my strength is in Him. He IS my joy. Oh is He ever my very present Joy!

But I regret my life this last year. I regret it because it was so wonderful. I regret it because I bought into it as though it were real, as though it were true. I regret thinking that I couldn't get any happier. I regret that I believed that I WAS happy. I regret trusting so much.

And, I regret that I set myself up for heartbreak. REAL heart break. Painful heart break. I'm STILL dealing with it. I STILL wake up early in the morning and cry myself back to sleep. WHY!?!

I regret that I'm not over my hurt yet. I regret that it still effects me.

Truthfully, I regret investing so much that it DID effect me.

And its no longer about the person who hurt me. All is forgiven. But now I have this backlash of emotional pain that I've never experienced before.

One thing I don't regret: I truly understand what it is to guard one's heart. I've always had a hard time understand how one does it. ALWAYS.

But today, at a young 18 years, I have found the secret to guarding one's heart.

Its by not investing in relationships with guys the same way one invests relationships with girls (and vice versa with guys). Its about keeping ALL young men at an arms length. Its about not letting them into the depths where poems are formed, where songs are written, where true prayers are conceived.

Its not because I don't like guys. ON the contrary! I feel WAAY more comfortable with guys then with girls.

But that's where its a problem.

Pointers Sarah has learned from eXPERIENCE, the HARD WAY:

*DO NOT get involved with a guy who is recently hurting over another girl. You'll set yourself up for being used.

*DO NOT let a person push your personal boundaries made by your own convictions! You'll regret it.

*DO NOT get involved right away, whether you've known each other a long time or for a little: give things time.

*DO NOT intentionally see each other every day. Its speeds up the process emotionally, but not spiritually. God's timing doesn't follow ours. Wait a year.

*DO NOT! date or court someone who has a RECENT history of getting into Noncommittal relationships and has a tendency to flirt with everyone. Don't be fooled. ANYONE can be nice and really friendly. But not everyone has self control. LOOK for one who does.

*DON'T allow someone to tell you they love you until they've proven it with patience and follows the exclamation with a proposal to be his wife forever.

*DON'T DON'T DON'T talk about marriage until you're ABLE to marry... OR until you've been proposed to.

*DON'T find it acceptable that a guy thinks your different from the rest of your family.

*DON'T think its going to work with a guy if you can't even communicate openly.

*DON'T even get serious with someone who your family either doesn't like and or, HE doesn't like your family.

*IF he doesn't fit in with your family, its not gunna work.

*...THE end.



Yeah, so that helped me vent a little.

I'm not mad. I'm not.. anything really. Maybe upset. Sometimes I wish I could just get out of here and find guys who aren't amazed that I'm Sarah, and aren't jerks and treat me like dirt. I just want real people. People I can connect to, you know?

I know people who love me, but I can bearly count the people who truly understand me. I can DEFINITELY tell you of the countless of people who said they understood me, who said they loved me, who said they cared, and are no longer a part of my life.

Interesting isn't it?


Hm. I'm in a confusing state. I'm not confused, I'm living in weird new world where I don't know what my next step will be. I'm not angry or unforgiving, I'm upset. I'm mixed up. I'm disoriented. I'm... hurt.

I'm not extraordinarily strong willed, I'm a child in a suit of armor.

THIS, my friends, is my song.


<

Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child

You've stolen my heart, yes You have.

My life is full. with Life.

My heart is whole. Of Love.

My body is sick. with a cold.


So God has REALLY been quietly working in my heart over this past month, and though I feel like popping my head to relieve the pressure, I'll say that Jesus has thoroughly stolen my heart.


First, with the sip, I've been just learning so much.

I've been learning how to love people when they're unlovable.
I've been learning to link arms with those that I don't exactly see eye to eye with. I've been learning that working closely with people who are my siblings in Christ is REALLY like working with my own blood family. You see all their faults, you see where you disagree, and you also see that you all love the Lord. I think we're learning as a group to protect each other and back each other up, like you would your own family. SURE! They make you mad. Sure! You don't like them some days, but at the same time, you KNOW them. You know them like alot of people do not, and you love them despite what you find out about them. We grow together. We're learning together.

For instance, I didn't know that the Bible said that you should have a THIRD party there when someone thinks they have a word for you.

Wha?!! Its true! What a revelation. Do you know how much of a mess that would clean up if the church started following that? No one ever told me this!

How about what the pastors have been teaching on and how crazy it is that its lining up with what I'm learning in my quiet time AND what I'm reading in the Purpose driven Life!

I'm tired of being so fake.

I'm not perfect.

THATS OKAY!

I'm trying to follow God!

THATS OKAY.

I'm in a lower position but raised up and held to a higher standard now.

Thats okay.

Does that give people the right to criticize me and feel that it is their duty to correct me? HECK no.
If you're not in my inner sphere of influence, then you don't. Of course I should be held accountable to the Body of Christ as a whole. But that doesn't mean that you should go around accusing people of things before you have knowledge on the subject as well as know the persons heart.

THAT right there, is NOT the character that God wants the Body of Christ to conduct themselves with.

You should use wisdom, discretion, discernment and prayer before you decide to talk to someone about what you may think is an outright sin.

And, if it is not, and if it is merely a personal offense to you, then GO to that person and explain the offense rather then accuse that person of a bad characteristic. Give your fellow Body-parts the benefit of the doubt.


This is what I've been having a hard time with, when it comes to people.
I get accused, I get publicly rebuked for a supposed outright sinful character and truly, I'm tired of it.

The fact is, if it isn't true, the people who do the accusing look like fools. But either way, that is NEVER how it should ever be handled. That is not done in love. I don't care who it is, if that person is part of the Bride of Christ, you should TREAT her with the same care... you should treat that person with the same care, period, and get off your high horse when you're being a donkey yourself.


Sigh. I'm just a BIT passionate about that topic right now. I won't lie. I might be a bit TOO passionate right now. I feel VERY strongly on that though. I've learned a lot of what NOT to do by being in those situational lessons.


I'm just really learning that God doesn't want us to TRY to look pure and perfect.

He wants us to BE pure and perfect.

To BE that, we have to LOOK like we're not, because the only time things get dealt with is when sin and crap is made manifest in light. It has to be open, down on the table.

It has to be seen for what it is - cause that's the only way we can humble ourselves. We gotta face our ugliness and own up to the garbage in our hearts.

We have to let God peel back the layers of our hearts and see ourselves what we truly are before God: ugly and rotting. Our souls were dead in our sins before Christ came and saved us all. But now we're in the process of renovation. We SHOULD be starting with the roots, the foundations of who we really are, and let God clean it out, from the inside out. But too many times, we spend our lives making the outside look good, making it look like everything is beautiful and perfect, but heaven forbid someone might go inside. Maybe the foyer looks real nice, but you'd better not let someone go into the family room of your heart. Or how about the kitchen? Don't let them see whats in your fridge - what you allow yourself to eat. Is it the music you know isn't good for you? How about the many hours you allow myspace to fill your brain? Is it MTV or The N? What is in your fridge that you gorge on?

What about your bedroom? YOUR haven? What is safe to you? What do you keep THERE? who do you let in there?

Or how about your basement? ... What dark things do you keep in the corners of your dank soul?


How long will we, the Body, hide behind our surfacy beauty and hide our insides from the only One who can help us clean it up?


How long?

Where does it start?!

When does it start?


It starts NOW.

And it starts with me. I'll let God peel me back layer after layer and reveal the garbage in my life.

And I'LL make a difference in this world, even if it only be me.

Why?


Because I'm real. And I want my fruits to be seen and smelled and tangeble and with seeds that plant themselves in the deepest and the hardest of grounds.


So let it be done.

And so let it be done in me.

Big Girls don't Cry... I'm not a big girl.

I was driving home from work and I turned on the radio. Now usually, I like to listen to soft rock and stuff, but the song that was on caught my ear, and I caught the chorus.

I listened to the song, and I think I may have cried. When the song was over, I sat there and I realized that my heart was begging God to let me have my bestest friend as my husband someday.

I actually never got rid of my baby banket. I guess you'd need to have something that you're sentimentally attached to, to understand where I'm coming from, but I realized that yes, there's time to grow up, but I want my best friend to marry me.

sigh.


so here's the lyrics that grasped my heart in a weird sort of way.

Big Girls Don't Cry
by Fergie

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself instead of calamity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
Ill be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if u want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself instead of calamity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

Absence makes the heart grow....and grow and grow and grow.

I'm not even sure what I'm going to write.

Its been an awful long time since I've bared my soul in this page.

I must say though, I am ready to.

Many of you know that I've been busy just trying to graduate, and I have! I've passed, I have my deploma and I'm ready to hit the world with my best shot.

I think the Enemy said the same thing when I graduated.

He's tring to hit me with HIS best shot.

Around the biginning of the year, I told God I wanted to be tested.

As I turned 18, He promised me that I would be.
I really didn't know on WHAT He would be testing me with. I'm learning very quickly what it is though.

Boundries.

Physical, mental, spiritual, emotional and relational.

I've never been so hit up on before by the same senerio or situation in such a small period of time before in my LIFE!
Its unbelievable!
I deal with the same thing over and over again until I finally get up the guts to stand up for myself!

6 months ago, I never would have been able to handle thing.

Today, I have a hard time handling this. My life is so full right now, and yet its exactly where God wants it right now.

I have two jobs, I pay my bills, I'm about to own my first car completely, I'm going to camp as a counseler next week, I have my little circle of friends that pretty much consist of less then a handful. I'm in a relationship (which, by the way, relationships aren't what they're cracked up to be: its all about working on them and being selfless. Wow, talk about trusting God! Different story.)I'm about to begin a two year intern program where I'll end up with pastoral credentials. I'm raising my standards as a leader and as apart of the church staff.

I'm cracking down, man!
I don't have too much time to be a kid anymore!

Don't get me wrong...
by most standards, I still AM just a child.
I'm ready to be more though.

I'm 18. I'm going to start acting like the young woman of God He has called me to be; not saying I haven't been trying to do just that for the last 2 years of my life anyway.


I don't know though.

Could you guys pray for me? I need it more then I think I've ever needed it in my life.

I'm a screwed up daughter of sinners. I AM a sinner.

But by the Grace if Jesus Christ, I am no longer a child of this world, I'm a Daughter of the King.

I don't know about you, but for me? That brings me to my knees in tears. I'm not diservant of this sort of love... and yet Its mine anyway.

I guess you live, you mess up, and you learn.

thats what I'm doing right now.