Waiting and Praying for Your Future Spouse - The "List"

1.       Has to love Jesus (this is a MUST!!!)

2.       HAS to be taller than me.  I mean HAS to be.

3.       Has to have big, strong muscles.  …Calf muscles.

4.       Brown eyes.  Only.  Okay… compromise.  One brown, one blue-gray.

5.       Has to play the guitar, the banjo and the drums and have a dreamy voice.

6.       So I guess he’ll have to be a worship leader.

7.       He should give me a run for my money

8.       …by having lots of his own.

9.       2 words.  Sexy. Eyes.

10.   He should be cool with moving to Africa if God called us to go, probably.

11.   It’d be nice if he had a beard.

12.   …and got my sense of humor.

13.   And wanted kids

14.   …but not 10.  I come from 10.  No.  More like a small family… with 5 kids. Wait…no 2.

15.   He can’t be allergic to cats. I love cats.

16.   He should probably like to cook.  I only bake.

17.   And last but should have been second to first… or second… He should be a gentleman!

18.   …who wants to take me all over the world.

19.   …to do archeological digs and stuff.

20.   …oh. And take my dad fishing in Alaska.

….Amen.   (Wait, do I say amen after these things?)*

Lists!
You might be a list person.  You might not be.
I am – totally – a list person.  I like to keep track of stuff I need to do and stuff I want to remember.
If you’re anything like me, you may need to keep track of great ideas too.
I keep a list of blog post ideas and even friends I want to invite to things because to be  honest, I’m not so good at coming up with things off the top of my head.

Some might wonder if you can take list-making too far.
Take making a list for things you’d like in a future spouse for instance.
Is it wrong?

I Told God I Hated Him & How it Changed My Life

Talking to God.
There's something about it that scares most people.
Nobody usually jumps at the opportunity to pray over a meal.  For some reason its not the first thought that pops into our mind when our friends are telling us about being sick, being stressed or struggling in life.

What I'm about to share is not necessarily the "right" way to pray.
In fact... after looking up the word "prayer" I wouldn't necessarily call it that.
Its much more simple.  Today I'm thinking about making constant conversation with God.
Kind of like an on-going text message conversation that never really ends - it just gets put on hold while each person carries on in daily activities.

I am going to share how I began to interact with God.  Maybe some people will read this and go,
"Hey!  That's TOTALLY how I interact with Him!"
While others may say, "Who does she think she is? Does she not know what it is to be reverent?"

These responses are legitimate.
I can't tell you whether they're wrong or right.  I can only testify: this is how I talk with God. Take it or leave it.

The day I told God I hated Him was the day that changed my life forever, really.

An Undefeated Heart

It has definitely been a while since I have expressed my thoughts in this little blog. I'm so glad I have it for the very reason that I may be able to when I am ready. It has been quite the journey so far, this summer, as the Lord is bringing me nearer to His heart.


I know I struggle with holding myself to a standard of perfection, and NO ONE is more disappointed in myself then me when I don't meet it.

Somewhere along the way I started to believe that whenever something bad happened to me, it HAD to have been my fault somehow. I did something. It was a glitch somewhere that I didn't catch. So, I mull over everything I could have done better or differently until I find a fault. I then tweak it and believe that NEXT time, (because of my "fixing the problem") I shouldn't have anymore issues.

But c'mon. I'm human. I mess things up. I don't usually factor that in to my flawed mindset, however, and the vicious cycle continues.

This season has been a time of breaking the cycle.

Going Up In Rank

In the last month or so, the Lord has been doing some deep, deep things and I'm not even sure how to explain it.

He's building a contentedness to wait on Him. He's building steadfastness amidst emotions and stress. He's building His character in me. And I'm beginning to notice that my hope is no longer in things that will disappoint me, but it is in Him.

This weekend, some things hit me and I know I THOUGHT I should have been more effected by them but... What a freedom that God is what I put my hope in, and I trust Him in all His sovereignty! Its so awesome to realize that I'm not the way even I expected I would be because God has been working underneath the scenes in my life.

I have no clue how to explain it, but the hours of sitting before the Lord in prayer or just... BEING with Him, are transforming my entire person. I have never known the kind of growth I'm experiencing right now. I want silence and not distraction. I can't help worshiping Him the more I know of Him. I can't help desiring to serve. It is out of the overflow of my love with the Lord that I desire to do everything I am called to in ministering the His people and the people that aren't His yet.

There have been some truly defining moments that I would like to write out here.

The fact that I've been so financially stressed has been what I would call a "kick-start" into what God has in mind to work in me.

I guess I tend to depend on myself to be ahead of the game when it comes to my finances. So when things happen that are out of my control, I immediately have to go into a mode I need to be more practiced in: trusting God's sovereign way of provision.

It was a movement forward motivated by situations that would most simply just bring me to the end of my own abilities and strengths. Patience. I'm finding the end of my own portion. hehe.

Last Sunday (not yesterday) I had a time in the prayer room where the Lord reaaaaaalllllly did some surgery on my heart.

As my friend put it yesterday, "God knew that it would be too painful for me to reach His hand so deep and remove such a deep rooted lie in my heart. So He put me to sleep." And that's the truth. I sat for 2 hours pouring out my heart to God.... and then, when no words could say anything more, the Lord put me to sleep, where I was still partially aware of the music, but resting. I woke up with a jolt, and I knew I was better.

Then, this last week, God ranked me quite a bit in His army. Wednesday, I had people praying for me while we fasted, and God did a major "enlightening the eyes of my heart" moment. It has to do with Jeremiah 1:9-10.

Then the LORD stretched out His hand and touched my mouth, and the LORD said to me, "Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have appointed you this day over the nations and over the kingdoms, To pluck up and to break down, To destroy and to overthrow, To build and to plant."

I was reading a book called "Shaping History through fasting and prayer" and it put something in such a way that a little "DING" happened.

When God speaks, things happen. His Word IS happened. But many a time, the Lord, instead of just speaking, He desires His people to come into partnership with Him. So - He puts His words in their mouths and when THEY speak, things happen. But I'm just overcome by the crazy thing that has to do with Christ having all things under His feet by the power that raised Him from the dead and also by His mercy and loving kindness, WE are seated with Christ in glory and therefore, all His authority has been given to us, as we have taken His name. When we bless, it is blessed in heaven and on earth. When we curse, it is cursed in heaven and on earth. MAN. Our words are powerful. And when we tap into the heart of God to JOIN Him and SPEAK His intercessions?! WE MOVE THINGS. And so, THIS verse for Jeremiah the prophet was commissioned to me.

I'm not just a soldier in God's army. I've been ranked in a certain field that is my very specialty - and its speaking the Word that has been put in my mouth to move mountains in the heavenly realms. Overspiritualized? No. Its Supernaturally natural. This IS the normal life of a true believer.... and? I LOVE it.

God is just doing such a good work in my heart. Its just Him and me. There's no one else in the equation. No thing else to worry about.

Its just Him and me, and He is romancing my heart with His love for me. I'm learning how to be free in loving Him back. Its... been the best Valentine's day ALL MONTH. And isn't that how God is? Why wait for Valentine's day when you can have it EVERY day? And? Everyday is not the same. Its always a new adventure. I'm so glad. I'm just... sooo glad. :)

Two songs that really impacted me.

First one is "Here in the Waiting Room" by Misty Edwards. Its the song that played that very defining Sunday a week or so ago.

Here in the Waiting Room
Here in the waiting room
Of unanswered prayer

I feel like sometimes I will explode here
But I can't leave this place of waiting
I can't leave this place of expecting
You've pinned me down
You hedged me in

God I confess that I feel trapped
There is no way out
But God You know that I would never run to You
Until I had to

God I'm so frustrated, a little bit confused and so angry
For I know that You can answer but You don't answer me

Prayer it sounds so romantic
Prayer, it feels miserable
God I hate it, God I admit it

I know You are good, I know You are
But God it seems like You are playing games with me
God, why?
Why all the waiting a thousands times
Now I'm stuck waiting
God, I trust You
But God, I don't get You

Here in the waiting room
of unanswered prayer
Time seems to haunt me
as the hours turn to days
and days turn to weeks
and week to months
and months to years

Here in the waiting room
of unanswered prayer
But God, You know me
I would never sit still
Until I had to

Your ways are so wonderful
But God I'm so miserable

Cause You make all things beautiful just in time
It's just a matter of time, time, time
So into Your hands I throw it -everything-

Here in the waiting room
I'm here in the waiting room
Of unanswered prayer
I will wait on the Lord
Cause I have no option



And Empty Me sung by Jeremy Camp

Empty Me

Holy Fire, come burn away
my desire for anything
that is not of You
and is of me
I want more of You
and less of Me

Empty me, empty me
Fill, wont You fill me
with You with You

Sigh.

I do some risky praying...

"whatever it takes, Lord."
"Empty Me."
"Change me."
"Keep me humble, before You."
"Come quickly, Lord. I don't wanna be here anymore."


yes. This is my life. My novice life of prayer. :)

Brought Low

Is it okay if I say that I'm feeling pretty indescribable?

Its been a pretty challenging time thus far, and O to wonder if that is the pace for this upcoming year of mine.

To face insecurities? To challenge lies?

To stare back, boldly standing in the gaze of my newest revealed fears?

Aha. Sounds so... honorable. So courageous. So brave.

But to me? It sounds ... painful. hah!


Yet, I want to learn what it looks like to have authority as a Daughter of God.

To pray and see things happen.

But my faith bust be grown.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

I most certainly am not complaining over life's complications and little complex situations we so often find ourselves in. But neither will you hear me pretend that these sort of things aren't trying, most of the time. Its a pretty real place to be with the Lord. He's got this big thing in mind, and in my little narrow-minded, compact self, I am unable to wrap my understanding around how sovereign He really is.

But ... though I do not hold the capacity for such knowledge, I DO have the capacity to believe it to be true. And you know how big that capacity is? It can be as little as a mustard seed. But Oh! The fruit it will bear in its due season!



Sigh. I don't know.


You know what?

I'm in this place where...

okay. Illustration.


I'm sitting.


In the prayer room, right? I have had a pretty.... "eh" week. Lets just say (if I can be perfectly honest) it hasn't been one of my most "be a super-christian!" weeks.

In fact - I have been seriously dealing with some sin issues in my life MAINLY ... because of my lack of guard. So, on this particular evening, not very long ago at all, I find myself walking into the prayer room with some anger inside. I'm angry at myself because of where I think I should be, and am not, AND, I'm a little hurt by a previous encounter with a friend.

AND ... I'm mad at myself for how the whole situation makes me feel.

So I'm sitting in the prayer room.

An hour goes by. Finally, towards the end of this hour, I finally begin to process.

How long am I really going to go like this? Really?

And in all my "ehhgh" feelings, I begin to really face the Lord.

And that's when He nudges my heart (Which has been condemning me all day at this point.)

Lord? I DON'T feel very spiritual right now. I don't even care to say this. In fact, I ... just absolutely don't get this whole grace and righteousness thing. \


And so goes my honest little heart with the Lord.

I've definitely been in the business of shocking people when I talk about how I sometimes talk with the Lord.

Hah. You know what? I've been doin this for 10 years of my life. I'm pretty sure that if God wanted to shoot me with a lightning bolt, he woulda done it already.

(sorry, sarcasm...and yet not mean sarcasm. just blunt.)

And to be honest? For me to talk this way with the Lord is the most humbling experience because I actually have to admit that I am not perfect. I have to admit that I don't measure up.

I spend my whole life being good at everything and measuring up and pleasing and being the favorite and the good one.

But the truth is?



I don't measure up. And? The standards aren't His. I'm accomplishing nothing in my own strength.


Figures.


And He whispers to me in the most tender, truthful way, "Sarah, its okay."



Its OKAY to be sitting in that chair in the place that I am. Its really okay.

And that's when I realize: I GOT NOTHING.

NADA!


ZIP!


ZERO!




NOTTTHING to bring to Him except exactly what I am at that very moment.

And what I have to bring is so ugly.

And then all I can think about is how I HATE this body.

I HATE this jar of clay.

There is SO much treasure waiting for ME, EVEN inside, that I don't know about and yet I have to deal with a shell of flesh that is tenaciously prone towards sin.


I got nothin.


Apart from Him, there is no good in me.


And as my heart began to grasp this little idea, the lights were turned down for the next set. And we began to sing this song:

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom


How wide, how deep, how great is Your love for me?


We sing it as a statement... but isn't it meant as a question?

Do we have the nerve to actually ask this of the Lord?



Who couldn't?!


Humbled?

hm.


I am indeed being brought low.

for sure.

Where is this generations Church leaders?

Second blog in a day, I know. But I forgot about something that I would love to share with the world.




My heart breaks for the people who've walked away from the "church".

As an intern for the last year, I heard a lot of how there's a void in where the young leadership should be in the Church.

I want to let everyone know that I found them.



They're outside of starbucks on a casual summer night drawing out their souls with a mechanical pencil and going through a box and a half of cigarettes.

They're at home in their one-room apartment with their new husband trying to figure out this whole marriage thing and wondering whats still missing.

They're still in 6th grade, learning that life isn't a fairytale much sooner then they should be.

They're pregnant with a child out of wedlock and are trying to find a good, stable home for the baby to go to.



THATS where they are.

And I sat before my mom today and cried.


God loves these people.

I love these people.

They just need to be loved.

They just need to be heard!



So won't you join me as I go before Jesus?


Father,

I see your church leaders. I see the prodicals. Hah, you know I'm a prodical myself at times. Who are any of us to judge? God I just ask that you would continue to draw these that are hurting, whom are lost, who are living but so very dead inside. God, I'm willing to go for you. I'm willing to love the rejected. I'm willing to bless the fallen. I'm willing to carry the broken. I'll give of my heart... or Lord? Maybe you could give me YOUR heart to give of that, since there is nothing beautiful aside from you.
Show we, your people, your children how to love on the poor, the lost, the broken, the young. Show us how see people through your eyes, and to check out the logs we have to pull out before we try to fix in other people what we can't even fix in ourselves. I love you so much Lord... but its only because you first loved me. Help me to first love these people... so that one day they can say that they really, really do love you.

selah.



God I praise you. You are ALWAYS good. Your love endures forever. It was here before you formed my soul. It was there WHEN you formed my being, and it will be there when my body dissolves into the ground.

Your glory is my delight.

Your favor is my reward.

You are our portion in ever aspect of life, and we have nothing to fear.
Lord, bring these young warriors, these young leaders to you. I ask that you would be absolutely glorified in their lives and that every part would be something to magnify your beauty.

You are more lovely that I can know.

I thank you for your kindness to me...your grace...wow God, astound me.

I need to shut up now, haha. I love you.

I love you I love you I love you!!

Your will be done.

In Jesus' name I pray these things,

so let it be done.

Request for the covering of Prayer

I need massive amounts of prayer. I've never really asked for people all over to pray for me before, and I'm not going to give the specifics.

In fact, I'm not going to give any information right now.

I ask you, the Body, to intercede on my behalf for whatever the Holy Spirit puts on your hears.

I'm struggling in probably the biggest faith test of my life.

I need Jesus. I need Truth. I need to be prayed for.

Let me humbly request it of my fellow siblings in Christ right now.