Gentlemen: I'm Not Your Paper Doll

“You’re exactly the kind of girl I’ve been looking for!”

“You lead worship? I lead worship too.  I’ve always wanted to lead worship with my wife.”

“You know, I always hoped God would give me a blonde-haired, blue eyed girl.”

“You had a crush on Aladdin?  No way!! I had a crush on Jasmine.”

“I always knew I would need a girl who could meet me on an intellectual level. You do that for me!”

“I’m all in, whatever it takes.”

“You’re the only one who gets me.”

“I’ve always wanted a girl who could enter into my world.”

“We were meant to be.”

“Can I say I love you? … Please?”

You know, I never wanted to be that girl who’s dated a lot.  Maybe in comparison, I haven’t dated too much.  But I think I may have given my heart away too quickly in the past.  Can you relate? 

Don’t worry, I promise I’m not like that today and maybe neither are you anymore either. Experience does that for folks.  In fact, maybe you would even agree that  it’s almost impossible to give it away now.

Then again, maybe it's a good thing.  I know it is for me.  It means it’s not in my hands to give.  Some of you might disagree.  But that’s my choice, not yours.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and maybe there are a few people out there who can connect with this.  For the men (or women) who read this, maybe you’re one of those guys (or girls) who have said similar things to the comments I I've just quoted.

Maybe you’re not.

But if you are, maybe you need to be reading this.

A Testimony: Waiting and Praying for our Future Spouses

This particular blog post has been a long time coming.  I've probably thought about writing this for the last 4 months or so, but one might understand that an idea, as good as it is, takes time to really formulate into something worth producing.

Another reason I'd like to write is because no one really talks about this stuff very much and I for one would be encouraged by someone's willingness to share their heart IN THE PROCESS, not necessarily just at its completion.
In fact, I was just complaining about how there aren't really any books out there about praying and waiting in this arena that aren't written either for a. teenage girls or written by b. a married person/married people.

What about my story?

Books written by married couples about waiting while single can indicate that marriage is the reward of being a "good girl" or a "good boy" for God. Does that mean I haven't been as faithful or whatever?
 Now! I've been immensely blessed by these books and they have their place!  But what about folks like me?

This post is certainly not a book, but its meant to encourage those who wait.

Giving of My Best - a Poem

Giving of My Best
Sarah Faith

Lord, these desires are so dear
my treasures and my crown
but too much importance, it is clear
on these things have been found.

Pulled between my want and Truth
hanging mid-air, sound
upon the alter, above my hands
I lay my Isaac down.

Holiness vs. Marriage Part 2: My response

So here's the deal.

For most of my life end-all dream, its seemed, was marriage. 
But marriage isn't an end-all dream.  In fact - its just one desire of many, that will have to be waited upon to be fulfilled.

Here's the thought:  Its not about our desires being fulfilled.  Its about God's desires being fulfilled.

Its not about self-centered view of ourselves and how holiness plays into it, its about a Kingdom-based, God-invested heart where holiness is the very atmosphere that it thrives in.


Paul poses the idea that it is better not to marry if you can.  He also said that it wasn't wrong to marry.

Wait.

Not to marry, if you can?

Just some thoughts -Not well explained

Hm...

If there was ever a season of writing, THIS is that season.  I'm keeping 2 blogs, tweeting, andddd....3 journals right now for various reasons.

I think its because there's a lot that God is doing in my heart right now.  Lots of good - looking at lots of ugly.
I'm dealing with SO many things that are from years ago - anger, unforgiveness, and all these little girl dreams and things that people have spoken over my life that I've forgotten about ... until now.

I'm surprised at all thats coming out this way, but I guess its time to deal with some things.

God's given me a picture of a hope chest filled with many things - all my childhood and everything that entangled with it.  To open this chest and explore the contents, there IS a catch.  With all the good, I must also face all the bad.

So its definitely been a little journey - one that I've been afraid of, but one that can also be easily fixed:  forgiveness.

But here's the other thing I'm afraid to face:  all my little dreams.

If you read far back enough in this blog, you'll meet an optimistic, romantic, naive, unbroken teenager with the unrealistic, ideal world at her finger tips.
Its been a long time since then, and God is reteaching me that not all that I dreamed of in that time was bad.

Sixteen, going on 17.  6 years ago - and can you believe I've been writing in this blog for that long?

Its hard when everyone's getting married and engaged and YOU'RE the one going through a break-up and readjustment of life.
In all reality though, I've over the break-up.
Its the disappointment that its still not my time yet.

And then to add to all that, everything I know I want (regardless of whether I'm in denial or not) is either right out of my reach and right in front of me (simultaneously)  OR - I just haven't thought of it yet.

So pretty much, its the first one.

I'm going to be real right now:

I don't want to be one of those really cool Christian girls who's just - you just LOVE them - and you can't understand why they're not married yet.   Why God hasn't brought someone around for them.
Unfortunately - haha or maybe fortunately, I have become this very thing.  :)

Is my heart disappointed?  Yes.  I really just want a friend who will know me, enjoy me, dream with me and want me for me.

But will I be okay?

Yeaaah..... I will be.  I always am, anyway.  I'm really not sure what the real lesson is for me right now and I think thats what perplexes me the most at this point today.

I refuse -REFUSE - to take a mindset that question's God's goodness when things aren't going the way I'd like.
Instead, I'm going to be a faithful friend to my lovely sisters who ARE getting married, I'm going to be me, and I'm going to focus on loving people and letting go of the pen to my life.

I DO anticipate what God could do in my life in the next 2 years or so.  I'm actually going to Kansas City for the first time in a few weeks - a road trip with some girlfriends.
I'm pursuing purity on a whole new level - and I'm taking action in guarding my heart better - and guarding the hearts of the one's I love better - both male and female.
And I'm going to try white-water rafting - Something I've always secretly wanted to try.
And I'm applying to go on a mission trip to Africa next June - because I've always wanted to go to Africa since I was 10.
I'm starting to make choices that keep me moving and active and I'm trying to eat better just in general.
And - I'm trying to find opportunities to talk to people about God in the work place.  THATS my deal right now.

The JOY of the Lord is my strength.

I really really really want to bless God and those around me.

I could certainly use yours prayers.
And hey! don't hesitate to write me if you have a thought or a word for me.
I'm always up for that. :)

blessings,

Sarah

My Thoughts on "the One" Theory.

I'm not going to lie, this whole conversation really made me think about what I really believed and God took the opportunity to correct my heart a little.

I've always believed that God has that "One special person" for everyone.
Sept... not everyone CARES to have a "One special someone" out there so much as just whomever they choose would  BE that person.

I mean, I absolutely DO!  Its been on my heart for a decade now to pray for my future husband - that one special person who's just going to get me and know me and understand me.

But God gave me a reality check - just because I've done that, doesn't mean everyone ELSE has.
AND?  Its okay.


God kinda gave me a picture - not a completely accurate one, but a picture none the less of the way this might work.

Esther.  The story about a courageous woman who somehow was chosen above hundreds of other beautiful women to be queen.

Here's the pitch:  hundreds of girls go through a YEAR of beautification and then get to choose what they're going to wear and what they're going to bring with them for their "one night with the king."
AWESOME!  Right?

Esther says to the guy in charge, "I don't want to choose.   You know the king better.  YOU give me what you think is best."


I'm not saying I'm Esther.

What I'm saying is - not everyone thinks to ask God for the best in their love life AND - not everyone is supposed to.

But Esther asked for the best.  And she got it.

Its okay if a small handful of people choose to ask God what HE thinks is best.  It may be that their's is a story that will impact hundreds of people like Esther's.

Will MY story impact hundreds of people?  You know?  If it brings people to a fuller knowledge of Christ, then YES,  I WANT it to.  But if it just impacts the people I directly communicate with on a day to day basis, then thats okay too.  The idea is to inspire others to seek out God's best for them.  It may not be in finding a mate, but it COULD mean that they need to ask God for the best in the job realm or in the career path, or in the financial arena, etc.

So do I believe in "The One" Theory?  Yes.  Do I believe its for everyone?  No.

Do I care if my future husband believes that he can just pick anyone and thats good enough for him?

...um.... yes.

I don't want to be a number.

"Oops, this girl didn't work so lets try this one.  OH!  NOT that one, never mind.  maybe this one...." until he comes around to little 'ol Sarah who finally  says yes to him.

I'm sorry but thats not okay with me.  I'd like to think that AT LEAST if the guy I'm supposed to marry isn't thinking about his future wife and praying for her, that he'd be too worried about what God's doing in his life to play the dating game without true intentions of finding the person who could match him in his walk with the Lord.

Those are my own feelings about it, honestly.  I'm not saying its completely right, but if I was trying to please everyone with my opinions, I would've stopped writing in this blog a long time ago.
:)

Those are my thoughts.

-Sarah

Dating and Marriage and Babies - OH MY!

Its unbelievable to me.  EVERY one is dating, marrying and having babies.  Its nuts.
It makes me wonder how God decides which people are going to find the right person and start their family right away and which people He kinda just...takes His time making anything happen in that arena of life.
I'm definitely not annoyed.  How can I be?  These people are my friends!  I'm so happy that God is moving in their lives and allowing it to grow and move forward.

But it definitely makes me wonder what God's ideal is for MY life.
Am I just... supposed to wait?  Am I supposed to GO?  And if I'm suppose to go, WHERE TO?

I'm coming to the end of my dream rope.  I don't really have any more dreams, honestly.  Whats so weird is that I always felt I was a big dreamer.  But I've noticed that the only dream I have is to be married and move forward in ministry with a husband.  Thats it.  Thats not even a BIG dream.  As I'm realizing, thats a NORMAL dream.  Unless you're me.  Because normal is all around me.  I, on the other hand seem to be the only abnormal human being out there.  Of course I'm not the only one!  I have a handful of friends who are in the same boat I'm in.  But here I am, 22 years old and I don't have any more dreams.  NADA.

WOW.  Nothing?!  Not even one?  Well I dream of being apart of something BIG!  But I have no clue what "big" means... or what "big" pertains to.

So John Wimber (founder of the Vineyard movement) shared once that he was struggling with why his ministry was only mediocre and without power and the Spirit spoke to him and said. "John, I see your ministry.  Now let Me show you Mine."

God's kinda whispering the same things to me.  "I see your dreams, Sarah.  Now let Me show you Mine."

But its been a process.  I've actually had to recognize and acknowledge that MY dreams for my life are NOT going to happen the way I thought.  I'm starting to let myself be okay with this.  And now the question is not, "God, why did You let this happen to me again?!?"  it becomes, "God...whats YOUR underlying plan in all of this?"  Its not, "God!  Why don't You see my dreams?" and it becomes, "God, when are You going to show me YOUR dreams for my life?"

Its a hard shift though.  The only way that God has been able to get me to let go of my childish, girlish dreams for love and romance is to show me that I can't accomplish them.  Ever, and especially on my own.  That in fact, once I open my clenching fists, I find that these little dreams disintegrated long ago and that I'm wasting time and energy trying to keep what was never mine to have.  God may have romance in mind... but its not the way I thought it would be.

Its a hard lesson to learn.  I'll tell you its true since it seems I'm still in the classroom retaking my test... again.

Its pretty surreal.
Friends marrying the "One" for them (and they KNOW that they know).  Having little ones that are practically mini-thems.  And I get to be Aunt "Waha".  I'm rewatching my parents younger years in my own life.  It wasn't so long ago that they were in the same place.  Twenty-two years goes by faster then I could imagine.  I just hope I'm not a waste of space here.  I need to know God is using my life for something important now if its not my time to have my own husband and children.
So many people say, "you're so young.  You've got so much time!"

I don't understand how they don't think that what they're saying is not only belittling of my feelings but also patronizing.

Yes, I'm young.  But I've been praying for my future husband since I was 12.  I've been actively waiting for this in my life for 10 years now.  I don't think thats a small feat.  I'm not an average girl.  Probably why this is so difficult for me.  I'm not even jealous!  I just feel so frustrated with the smallness of my life.
I'm trying so hard to be faithful.  When is God going to show up for me?  When will I begin to see the fruit of my investments into the Kingdom?  Doesn't God see me?

Of course He does.  I KNOW He does.  I'm in very constant connection with Him... though not as much as I ought.  But nevertheless, I cannot change  my feelings.
If this part of life isn't happening for me, what part is?  I'm determined to be okay with where I am, but its becoming increasingly difficult to be content when I don't even have a vision for my life beyond marriage.
What the heck is wrong with me? When did I stop dreaming and how do I start again?
What is my life amounting to?
Its great if others think I'm anointed to lead worship.  But its MY passion.  What HAS God anointed me to do?  Why am I not satisfied with just that?   OR is it that I need a fresh anointing - a renewed mind?
How do I get that?  How do I move out of this pit I'm stuck in?  How do I get my dance back?

A year ago God was moving my heart and giving me vision after vision for my life.
But - they're visions.  How do I live them out in real life?  And... where the heck is that dancer girl in me?
Where's the joy?  Where's the heaven-perspective?
I'm so hurt and I don't even know what to do to heal except for what I'm already doing: crying hard when it finds me and floods in.  Reading and meditating on the scriptures, especially on Jesus's words.  Focusing on my jobs and being busy with those, getting prayed for once in a while... and dealing with all the junk God keeps surfacing in my heart.  This is no glorious season for me.  I just said all of this and I still want to say, "I don't know what to say."

My heart is so restless.

Whats next?

But, He was not in the Wind...He was in my Car.

I'm surprised at how much I'm writing recently... but after quite the lull in my creative streak, I'm back;  probably because I finally have something useful to say.

I think... that I'm at a place where when heartbreaking things happen to me, I can't fight God anymore about it.

I'm at a point where I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of asking questions that I'm not sure I'm supposed to know the answer to.

I must say though:  I am proud that I did what I was supposed to.  I'm proud that I did the right thing - and didn't  hide who I was or shrink back in what I believe in all of this.
If  I'm not supposed to go a certain route in this journey with God, then there's nothing that can keep me going that way, if I'm truly following Him. For that, I am grateful.  He is so sovereign.
I know I'm going to be okay.  In a way, I'm relieved because I finally feel like I have a grasp on whats going on in my life now - love life, really.
God is going on in my love life.

Curious George Meditates on the word of God

Hee hee.  I've been thinking about the title for my next entry for a while, and I keep coming up with Curious George.  I think it would be hilarious if they made a book about him meditating on the word of God.

"Curious George pulls out his bible.  He meditates, and meditates and meditates."
a few pages later....

the picture is still the same - He's at a table looking down at a Bible... but question marks are randomly placed around his head.

"Curious George meditated so hard that he couldn't get into any trouble."
"Curious George closed his Bible.... and went to bed.  The end."

An Undefeated Heart

It has definitely been a while since I have expressed my thoughts in this little blog. I'm so glad I have it for the very reason that I may be able to when I am ready. It has been quite the journey so far, this summer, as the Lord is bringing me nearer to His heart.


I know I struggle with holding myself to a standard of perfection, and NO ONE is more disappointed in myself then me when I don't meet it.

Somewhere along the way I started to believe that whenever something bad happened to me, it HAD to have been my fault somehow. I did something. It was a glitch somewhere that I didn't catch. So, I mull over everything I could have done better or differently until I find a fault. I then tweak it and believe that NEXT time, (because of my "fixing the problem") I shouldn't have anymore issues.

But c'mon. I'm human. I mess things up. I don't usually factor that in to my flawed mindset, however, and the vicious cycle continues.

This season has been a time of breaking the cycle.

Open hands

Trust And Obey

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.
Refrain

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Refrain

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

Refrain

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

I happened upon this lovely old hymn in looking for lyrics to another. The title caught my attention (as it should,) and I couldn't help but explore the stanzas of the well-written truths. Here it was: the song I was REALLY looking for.

All morning long, the only phrase I kept thinking was, "open handed, open handed, open handed."

Is there not a point where we get "caught" in our lives? We get caught in good or bad actions. We get caught by people, caught in circumstances, caught in the middle, caught in between, caught off guard, caught in a lie, caught in a tangle of a mess....
And it was time for me to be caught.