Dating and Marriage and Babies - OH MY!

Its unbelievable to me.  EVERY one is dating, marrying and having babies.  Its nuts.
It makes me wonder how God decides which people are going to find the right person and start their family right away and which people He kinda just...takes His time making anything happen in that arena of life.
I'm definitely not annoyed.  How can I be?  These people are my friends!  I'm so happy that God is moving in their lives and allowing it to grow and move forward.

But it definitely makes me wonder what God's ideal is for MY life.
Am I just... supposed to wait?  Am I supposed to GO?  And if I'm suppose to go, WHERE TO?

I'm coming to the end of my dream rope.  I don't really have any more dreams, honestly.  Whats so weird is that I always felt I was a big dreamer.  But I've noticed that the only dream I have is to be married and move forward in ministry with a husband.  Thats it.  Thats not even a BIG dream.  As I'm realizing, thats a NORMAL dream.  Unless you're me.  Because normal is all around me.  I, on the other hand seem to be the only abnormal human being out there.  Of course I'm not the only one!  I have a handful of friends who are in the same boat I'm in.  But here I am, 22 years old and I don't have any more dreams.  NADA.

WOW.  Nothing?!  Not even one?  Well I dream of being apart of something BIG!  But I have no clue what "big" means... or what "big" pertains to.

So John Wimber (founder of the Vineyard movement) shared once that he was struggling with why his ministry was only mediocre and without power and the Spirit spoke to him and said. "John, I see your ministry.  Now let Me show you Mine."

God's kinda whispering the same things to me.  "I see your dreams, Sarah.  Now let Me show you Mine."

But its been a process.  I've actually had to recognize and acknowledge that MY dreams for my life are NOT going to happen the way I thought.  I'm starting to let myself be okay with this.  And now the question is not, "God, why did You let this happen to me again?!?"  it becomes, "God...whats YOUR underlying plan in all of this?"  Its not, "God!  Why don't You see my dreams?" and it becomes, "God, when are You going to show me YOUR dreams for my life?"

Its a hard shift though.  The only way that God has been able to get me to let go of my childish, girlish dreams for love and romance is to show me that I can't accomplish them.  Ever, and especially on my own.  That in fact, once I open my clenching fists, I find that these little dreams disintegrated long ago and that I'm wasting time and energy trying to keep what was never mine to have.  God may have romance in mind... but its not the way I thought it would be.

Its a hard lesson to learn.  I'll tell you its true since it seems I'm still in the classroom retaking my test... again.

Its pretty surreal.
Friends marrying the "One" for them (and they KNOW that they know).  Having little ones that are practically mini-thems.  And I get to be Aunt "Waha".  I'm rewatching my parents younger years in my own life.  It wasn't so long ago that they were in the same place.  Twenty-two years goes by faster then I could imagine.  I just hope I'm not a waste of space here.  I need to know God is using my life for something important now if its not my time to have my own husband and children.
So many people say, "you're so young.  You've got so much time!"

I don't understand how they don't think that what they're saying is not only belittling of my feelings but also patronizing.

Yes, I'm young.  But I've been praying for my future husband since I was 12.  I've been actively waiting for this in my life for 10 years now.  I don't think thats a small feat.  I'm not an average girl.  Probably why this is so difficult for me.  I'm not even jealous!  I just feel so frustrated with the smallness of my life.
I'm trying so hard to be faithful.  When is God going to show up for me?  When will I begin to see the fruit of my investments into the Kingdom?  Doesn't God see me?

Of course He does.  I KNOW He does.  I'm in very constant connection with Him... though not as much as I ought.  But nevertheless, I cannot change  my feelings.
If this part of life isn't happening for me, what part is?  I'm determined to be okay with where I am, but its becoming increasingly difficult to be content when I don't even have a vision for my life beyond marriage.
What the heck is wrong with me? When did I stop dreaming and how do I start again?
What is my life amounting to?
Its great if others think I'm anointed to lead worship.  But its MY passion.  What HAS God anointed me to do?  Why am I not satisfied with just that?   OR is it that I need a fresh anointing - a renewed mind?
How do I get that?  How do I move out of this pit I'm stuck in?  How do I get my dance back?

A year ago God was moving my heart and giving me vision after vision for my life.
But - they're visions.  How do I live them out in real life?  And... where the heck is that dancer girl in me?
Where's the joy?  Where's the heaven-perspective?
I'm so hurt and I don't even know what to do to heal except for what I'm already doing: crying hard when it finds me and floods in.  Reading and meditating on the scriptures, especially on Jesus's words.  Focusing on my jobs and being busy with those, getting prayed for once in a while... and dealing with all the junk God keeps surfacing in my heart.  This is no glorious season for me.  I just said all of this and I still want to say, "I don't know what to say."

My heart is so restless.

Whats next?

An Undefeated Heart

It has definitely been a while since I have expressed my thoughts in this little blog. I'm so glad I have it for the very reason that I may be able to when I am ready. It has been quite the journey so far, this summer, as the Lord is bringing me nearer to His heart.


I know I struggle with holding myself to a standard of perfection, and NO ONE is more disappointed in myself then me when I don't meet it.

Somewhere along the way I started to believe that whenever something bad happened to me, it HAD to have been my fault somehow. I did something. It was a glitch somewhere that I didn't catch. So, I mull over everything I could have done better or differently until I find a fault. I then tweak it and believe that NEXT time, (because of my "fixing the problem") I shouldn't have anymore issues.

But c'mon. I'm human. I mess things up. I don't usually factor that in to my flawed mindset, however, and the vicious cycle continues.

This season has been a time of breaking the cycle.

Frienemies: Living a Life of Love Towards Those Who Hurt You and Hate Your Guts

In response to a comment in my last posting:

How has staying away from people who have hurt me been working out for me?



Its difficult because you still live in the same community. Its difficult when you hear gossip that is STILL going on about you after 7 months or so.
And it takes quite a bit of prayer to keep my heart in a place where I am submitting to God and His heart for EVERYone, including those who have betrayed me.

Its very difficult.

It is a broken thing.


It should've never happened.


But, it did. It did happen and it continues to happen in the body of Christ.
It is a place where God seems to walk His disciples through at some point.

Kind of like the underground railroad, those who have paved the trail before, go back and get people and take them on the journey.

Jesus does the same thing with those who follow Him. He first paved the trail, and now He is taking His truest followers into the depths and turmoils of His life and teaching them how to continue to keep the faith and never lose heart rather.... expanding the heart to be something of a God thing.


My heart is terribly broken for the loss of everything I've ever known. I am beyond blessed to even have the few friendships that have lasted this long.

I have been kissed by the one who has betrayed me. Not once, not twice, but three times. I have been rejected by leaders. I have been made a keeper of the vineyards. Dark but lovely.


Who would have thought that God could love someone like me?

Jesus thought.


Thats why I walk the path that so many pilgrims have walked before me - and my tears join those of the saints on the beaten road that Jesus calls those He loves to walk.

And I am dearly humiliated.

It is NOT easy to continuesly be told that part of it is my fault. It is not easy to have people look on you like you're the black sheep of the bunch. It is not easy when the so called church critics you for your ideas and your passions and condemns you for caring about things beyond the walls of the building.

Its merely working out by the grace of God.


And a continual level of forgiveness in my heart towards these people. And that is not easily kept. Just so everyone knows. I just have to remember not to grow tired of doing the right thing.

Be joyful always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks.



Sigh.




Now to actually continue in that day by day.

Where is this generations Church leaders?

Second blog in a day, I know. But I forgot about something that I would love to share with the world.




My heart breaks for the people who've walked away from the "church".

As an intern for the last year, I heard a lot of how there's a void in where the young leadership should be in the Church.

I want to let everyone know that I found them.



They're outside of starbucks on a casual summer night drawing out their souls with a mechanical pencil and going through a box and a half of cigarettes.

They're at home in their one-room apartment with their new husband trying to figure out this whole marriage thing and wondering whats still missing.

They're still in 6th grade, learning that life isn't a fairytale much sooner then they should be.

They're pregnant with a child out of wedlock and are trying to find a good, stable home for the baby to go to.



THATS where they are.

And I sat before my mom today and cried.


God loves these people.

I love these people.

They just need to be loved.

They just need to be heard!



So won't you join me as I go before Jesus?


Father,

I see your church leaders. I see the prodicals. Hah, you know I'm a prodical myself at times. Who are any of us to judge? God I just ask that you would continue to draw these that are hurting, whom are lost, who are living but so very dead inside. God, I'm willing to go for you. I'm willing to love the rejected. I'm willing to bless the fallen. I'm willing to carry the broken. I'll give of my heart... or Lord? Maybe you could give me YOUR heart to give of that, since there is nothing beautiful aside from you.
Show we, your people, your children how to love on the poor, the lost, the broken, the young. Show us how see people through your eyes, and to check out the logs we have to pull out before we try to fix in other people what we can't even fix in ourselves. I love you so much Lord... but its only because you first loved me. Help me to first love these people... so that one day they can say that they really, really do love you.

selah.



God I praise you. You are ALWAYS good. Your love endures forever. It was here before you formed my soul. It was there WHEN you formed my being, and it will be there when my body dissolves into the ground.

Your glory is my delight.

Your favor is my reward.

You are our portion in ever aspect of life, and we have nothing to fear.
Lord, bring these young warriors, these young leaders to you. I ask that you would be absolutely glorified in their lives and that every part would be something to magnify your beauty.

You are more lovely that I can know.

I thank you for your kindness to me...your grace...wow God, astound me.

I need to shut up now, haha. I love you.

I love you I love you I love you!!

Your will be done.

In Jesus' name I pray these things,

so let it be done.

The Warrior is a Child

I almost feel safe to write here since it seems like this blog is forgotten now. Good. I can write for myself.

My heart hurts. Kind of like how after an earth quake, the earth will have that one last rumble.. almost like a reverb of the real thing.

That's what I'm going through. I've been through the initial pain, but its like I'm getting that feedback - that reverb. I feel... sick.

Not sick sick. Sick. I feel so used. I feel so discarded - like no one could really love me... its all just fake. And really, that no guy out there that could love me the way I need to be loved, would be able to stay true... to give me his word, to commit to my heart. I feel so... beside myself.

Do not take this wrong:

Jesus is my ALL. ALL my hope is in Him. ALL my love is in Him. ALL my strength is in Him. He IS my joy. Oh is He ever my very present Joy!

But I regret my life this last year. I regret it because it was so wonderful. I regret it because I bought into it as though it were real, as though it were true. I regret thinking that I couldn't get any happier. I regret that I believed that I WAS happy. I regret trusting so much.

And, I regret that I set myself up for heartbreak. REAL heart break. Painful heart break. I'm STILL dealing with it. I STILL wake up early in the morning and cry myself back to sleep. WHY!?!

I regret that I'm not over my hurt yet. I regret that it still effects me.

Truthfully, I regret investing so much that it DID effect me.

And its no longer about the person who hurt me. All is forgiven. But now I have this backlash of emotional pain that I've never experienced before.

One thing I don't regret: I truly understand what it is to guard one's heart. I've always had a hard time understand how one does it. ALWAYS.

But today, at a young 18 years, I have found the secret to guarding one's heart.

Its by not investing in relationships with guys the same way one invests relationships with girls (and vice versa with guys). Its about keeping ALL young men at an arms length. Its about not letting them into the depths where poems are formed, where songs are written, where true prayers are conceived.

Its not because I don't like guys. ON the contrary! I feel WAAY more comfortable with guys then with girls.

But that's where its a problem.

Pointers Sarah has learned from eXPERIENCE, the HARD WAY:

*DO NOT get involved with a guy who is recently hurting over another girl. You'll set yourself up for being used.

*DO NOT let a person push your personal boundaries made by your own convictions! You'll regret it.

*DO NOT get involved right away, whether you've known each other a long time or for a little: give things time.

*DO NOT intentionally see each other every day. Its speeds up the process emotionally, but not spiritually. God's timing doesn't follow ours. Wait a year.

*DO NOT! date or court someone who has a RECENT history of getting into Noncommittal relationships and has a tendency to flirt with everyone. Don't be fooled. ANYONE can be nice and really friendly. But not everyone has self control. LOOK for one who does.

*DON'T allow someone to tell you they love you until they've proven it with patience and follows the exclamation with a proposal to be his wife forever.

*DON'T DON'T DON'T talk about marriage until you're ABLE to marry... OR until you've been proposed to.

*DON'T find it acceptable that a guy thinks your different from the rest of your family.

*DON'T think its going to work with a guy if you can't even communicate openly.

*DON'T even get serious with someone who your family either doesn't like and or, HE doesn't like your family.

*IF he doesn't fit in with your family, its not gunna work.

*...THE end.



Yeah, so that helped me vent a little.

I'm not mad. I'm not.. anything really. Maybe upset. Sometimes I wish I could just get out of here and find guys who aren't amazed that I'm Sarah, and aren't jerks and treat me like dirt. I just want real people. People I can connect to, you know?

I know people who love me, but I can bearly count the people who truly understand me. I can DEFINITELY tell you of the countless of people who said they understood me, who said they loved me, who said they cared, and are no longer a part of my life.

Interesting isn't it?


Hm. I'm in a confusing state. I'm not confused, I'm living in weird new world where I don't know what my next step will be. I'm not angry or unforgiving, I'm upset. I'm mixed up. I'm disoriented. I'm... hurt.

I'm not extraordinarily strong willed, I'm a child in a suit of armor.

THIS, my friends, is my song.


<

Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child

Lord, would you help me write another song?

Hm, so. Okay.

A comment on my last blog got me thinking.

Romance is supposed to be renewed, right?


Okay. I'm done wallowing. YES. I've been wallowing. I've needed to wallow.

I've been wallowing because, gosh, now I know what it feels like to be pursued and treated like a princess (uhh... mostly.)
I know what I've been missing out from. I guess thats why I feel sorry for myself a little, but you know? Why would God allow me to experience something like that and give me less the next time? Because...

He DID give me this something beautiful.
He allowed me to experience a great amount of romance - sweet and wonderful.
But He also allowed me to experience pain. A great deal of pain.
Why?
"Why me?!" I sometimes ask God.

"Why not you, Sarah?" was the reply.

"But, I feel so used, Lord!"

"But you said, 'use me'."

"Yes, but... but... this hurts!"

"I know, sweetheart."

*tears*

"Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours be done."




I don't know. I'm just done wallowing.

Maybe I need to renew my romance with the Lord.

I think thats what it is that I need to do right now. I love Jesus, I need to start showing Him better. I need to start doing things for him, telling him how much I care about him. Spending time with him, singing to him, possibly drawing him nearer? Is there a way to draw him unto myself like you would a regular guy? I don't know. I mean, love, and the whole idea of flirting and attracting someone, is all part of the whole picture of LOVE, is it not? So if God made me to do that, maybe I SHOULD do that... with God.

Maybe I should allow God to woo me, to call me out.

Maybe look at God as my Lover as well as my Friend?

Is that even possible? It will be hard. I never see Him. Sigh. Thats always my problem. I always have to have faith that God will reveal Himself to me in time, just like I have to have faith that God has someone out there for me.. even though I can't see.

I almost hate that I'm so attracted to romance. I wish I could say that I'm better then that, that I'm harder then that. That I'm not as pathetic as that.

Unfortunately, I am not. AND I have feelings too. I feel a great deal.

You know, I feel brushed aside sometimes by people. I feel like since I happen to be trying with all my heart to do the right thing in all of this, people go, "good for you! You're soooooooooo amazing!"

What?! No. I am NOT amazing. I suck. If most of you knew, you wouldn't think that. I struggle. I struggle to let things go. I struggle to let things grow. I hurt. I feel like it wasn't fair. I sit there and smile at people and tell them thatGod is in control, but then I go home and I cry and cry and cry, and ask God why I deserved any of this.

Do you know how wrong it is to really actually ask God why, eSPECIALLY since I wasn't there when He created the heavens, the earth and creation? Who the heck am I to ask why?

and yet I have the guts to ask anyway. Why? Because God allows for me to be imperfect. He understands. He understands when I vent my frustrations.
Thats why I love him.

I could cuss Him out, and He'd still bless me. He'd still listen. And He showed me that actually, He'd rather have me cuss Him out then not talk to Him at all.

...you know? He's so good to us. I don't understand this, but His demensions to love us far surpasses ours.

I mean really? Why and how does He love us with a love that is bigger then US? Why?

I dunno. All I know is that I want more of that love. I want more of Him in my life.

"More Love, more power, more of you in my life. More faith, more passion, more of you in my life. And I will worship You, with all of my heart. and I will worship you, with all of my mind. And I will worship You with all of my strenth. You are my Lord, You are my Lord."

Sarah is growing again. and no, its not height-wise, thank you. Nore is it mustache-wise. Its my spiritual-eyes. *wink*. yes yes, I'm still my same old Sarah self.

Ouch

you know, Lord?

This sucks.

I feel used, I feel invisible and I feel like just another girl.
It sucks that I feel that way.
Of course, I asked You to use me. I shouldn't be complaining!

me: "Lord!! Use me Use me Use me!!!!!!"
God: "Okay!"

later...

Me: "God!!! I feel so used!"
God: "But you said.."
Me: ".....I'm sorry, this just...I feel like I didn't even benifit from this. I feel like all it did was hurt me and give me a lesson learned."
God: "Sarah..."
Me: "Wait.. I know I'm so selfish. I SHOULDN'T sit here and tell you I didn't get anything out of this and complain. But God... .... and I don't WANT to complain, and I'll try NOT to, Jesus! Its just that... and I know I deserve a lot of what I get, but ... why me? Of all the people who.. I guess the question really is why NOT me? Lord, this hurts, I don't understand but I give this to you. I trust You, Lord. I do. Its just hard. Give me joy."
God: "Sarah, I love you, darling. I will be gentle. You are strong in Me. You'll see. You will dance. You will shout. You will bring glory. Just don't forget Me now. Press on. You'll see My will in due time, dear Child. I love you."

Sigh.

here I am

screwed up

beat up.

feeling hung out to dry.

I feel like an idiot.

I wear my heart on my sleave.

I give and give, and then cry and hurt when people throw it back.
I want to NOT give... but... I'm meant to.
and I screwed up.
maybe thats why this hurts more... because of my choices.
I didn't guard my heart.


sigh.

but its not broken.
and I'm not strong.

But God Is.


thats all the reason I need.

Myrrhy Christmas...

My heart hurts more then I've ever known it to hurt before. It has ached, it has morned, but it has never actually hurt like this before. I wrote this poem before I knew I would need it. I suppose God knew though.

Maybe what hurts the most is that everything that is going on right now is what God wants, as far as I can see.

I'm not acting out of emotion, I'm acting out of faith. For those of you who don't know how that feels, I'll give you this: "Pain is not the phrase to feel exactly how I do. Ache comes close but even so, its meaning is but crude."

Now, with that being said, here is the rawness of my heart.




When its in My Hands
by Sarah Faith, 12-21-06


Another break, another crack
all within my hands.
A tear, a heave, a sigh, my needs
all withered with my plans.
I hold them dear, every slice -
all crumbs and goods enclosed,
and watch as every porcelain piece
cracks with each tear down my nose.
"Lord! I'm careful, gentle, kind!
I've tried my best I swear!
So why is it that when its mine,
It gets broken when I share?"
Looking down, I take in view
the intricate detail
of every hue, of every charm
my hear had once entailed.
My eyes, they filled with tears again
as if they'd never cried,
as I held the pieces of
my most important of insides.
I hold them out to look again,
thinking of what I'd do,
Should I try some duct tape,
or this time, super glue?
I look up from my thoughts,
into familiar eyes,
And once again, I break down
as if I'd never before cried.
I held out my broken heart,
wrapped up in my soul,
"Lord I broke it again,
When I took it back to hold."
I handed it all over,
gently dropping piece by piece,
the heart that once was whole
that now needed fixed.
A tear dropped from His eye,
the same time one did mine,
and His told me of the pain
He knew, and more, inside.
He gently held my heart,
as His tear fell down His cheek,
and dropped with distinct aim
into my shattered mess with peace.
Before my very eyes,
I then saw with all form
my heart was being healed
as He reached out to my core.
"This will take some time, dear one,
but I will help and share
the burdens that you carry
with the worries and the cares.
Let Me hold your heart again,
and you will finally see
that sharing of your heart, My child,
is showing them to Me.
And then, maybe someday,
they will do the same,
they'll give their hearts back to Me,
again and again.
But remember one thing, Child,
when your heart is in My hands,
Your needs and dreams
will far exceed, all your hopes and plans.



I'm hoping that all this will be as Myrrh unto God.

"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
when sarrows and sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast tought me to say
even so, it is well with my soul."

A Servent Girl - I'm my own Cinderella

so I have upgraded to blogger beta.... though it won't really change the way my blog looks as much as how it works for ME.

I don't even want to start with "my life is crazy", because I've said it too many times and have thus cliche'd it as such.

But what I DO want to say is something much more interesting: Jesus is Enough.

I've never felt so new before. I've never been so misconstrued in my life before. I've never dealt with the things I'm dealing with before.

I've never been so pressured about food and "maintaining" my weight, I've never felt so stressed about what I eating and whether I should eat or not, and I've never been so tempted to think I've gained a pound or two and all of a sudden, I'm struggling with the idea that I may be or may be getting fat.

Now, please don't inturperet this as if I actually am. I am merely saying that I've been pounded with this worry and I've never felt so obsessed before, though I am not admitting to actually obsessing.

I'm scared about myself.

I've thrusted myself into a work environement where the employees mumble f words and s words on a regular basis.

I'm working with non-believers here.

Then I'm still feeling so humbled about where God has me right now. He has me playing for the womens Bible study when I'm not a woman. I just.... I can't. I've not earned the title, on top of which, most women would probably agree that I have not, but Lord, I am yours I guess, and that is enough for me.

Sigh. and then there's singles awareness days.

Apperently its not bad enough that Valentine's day is in febuary, they had to create a smaller version of the same day half way through the year because lover's cant get enough of the holidays.

Stupid Sweetest day. I hate them. ...Oh, except for when my dad get's my mom flowers... then I love it for a few moments. But then there's that.

And then there's a feeling of never actually being able to hang out with the people I most want to hang with. sigh.

And then there's Me and God.

I need to remind myself that you all may feel me being a drama queen.

See... When I write, I am being completely honest about how I feel. I have heard before that I am more honest in my blogs and my journals then I am with people in person.

I guess I agree. Either we don't usually have time for investment, or... somehow, I feel more comfortable writing out what I am thinking because then it comes out the way I want to. I can never say the right thing.
Then of course, when I cannot, I feel like crying because my life is so....AHG. It must seriously HATE me.

then, there's God and me. I talk to him, but I'm almost afraid for him to talk to me. At this point I am not so sure He would be as loving as ... no... hm.

let me rephrase.

I am the most undeserving mess I have ever ever ever known. NOt only do I not deserve a loving word from God, I am afraid that I actually wont. I am afraid of being scolded and told about what a wreck I am, and this brings me back to my own tendency that... I feel I need to have my life together before I got to God, and I just... am so hurting right now. I am so broken right now.

Things I might get myself into or situations, I just CANNOT BE IN THE MIDDLE ANYMORE. I'm tired of being in the middle of dissagreements. I am TIRED of people fighting over me, or over situations with me. I just don't want to deal with it any more.

I just want to be loved, understood and committed to. I need someone to tell me that they will fight for me, and that I'm worth it to them. I need friends to assure me that even though I am a screw up, God cares about what happens in my life. That its OKAY to eat, that its OKAY to cry. That its OKAY to be weak and have no clue whats happening and ... that its okay to be angry sometimes.


Where's my Prince? Where did the time go that I was once a Princess who deserved a Prince Gentleman?

So why I am a dirty servent girl? What HAPPENED to me?! I just... wish I could deserve a mountain top experience once in a while. I wish I wasn't so hopeless like I truly am. I have such a ... dirty, black heart. I've seen myself and I don't think I can ever face Him again without being filled with shame. I am though. I am filled with shame.

Why would I want to share this with anyone? For the first time in my life, I have no desire to marry anyone. I could never ever let anyone see what it is I see... what it is God sees... because they would find I am far less then worth the fight, and I can't bear rejection. To think I was a princess and to find out I am merely a commoner...I feel like Danielle from Ever After: lowly and worthless... but enough pride to be a girl... a woman. But a prince... he finds her, he seeks her, he pursues her and finds that she IS his match in every way...But he thinks she is a princess. But then he finds that she is not. That she is, "just like them"... when she had planned to reveal that she WAS... and she was going to let him go, but he only confirmed her worst fear: she wasn't good enough for him. In fact... she had deceived herself into thinking she was a princess that she forgot for a little ammount of time the ugliness of herself, her status, her rung.

why would I want someone to find I wore a mask? No. I am glad I haven't talked to any guy in a while. I am ashamed of how I feel, and how I see myself. ...I haven't even talked about myself to God on the feeling that I would be so selfish. And yet, I believe my prayers have some worth to them... so I pray for those lost, that God has placed into my life, and those who I love dearly... and their teachers, and their parents and their bosses. And yet, I live myself a controdiction.


God, ... help me. I feel so tired, so weary, so.... helpless. But somehow I still know you'll come through even though I am avoiding you somehow... I'm afraid to go deep again. And all I want to do is weep.