Dating and Marriage and Babies - OH MY!

Its unbelievable to me.  EVERY one is dating, marrying and having babies.  Its nuts.
It makes me wonder how God decides which people are going to find the right person and start their family right away and which people He kinda just...takes His time making anything happen in that arena of life.
I'm definitely not annoyed.  How can I be?  These people are my friends!  I'm so happy that God is moving in their lives and allowing it to grow and move forward.

But it definitely makes me wonder what God's ideal is for MY life.
Am I just... supposed to wait?  Am I supposed to GO?  And if I'm suppose to go, WHERE TO?

I'm coming to the end of my dream rope.  I don't really have any more dreams, honestly.  Whats so weird is that I always felt I was a big dreamer.  But I've noticed that the only dream I have is to be married and move forward in ministry with a husband.  Thats it.  Thats not even a BIG dream.  As I'm realizing, thats a NORMAL dream.  Unless you're me.  Because normal is all around me.  I, on the other hand seem to be the only abnormal human being out there.  Of course I'm not the only one!  I have a handful of friends who are in the same boat I'm in.  But here I am, 22 years old and I don't have any more dreams.  NADA.

WOW.  Nothing?!  Not even one?  Well I dream of being apart of something BIG!  But I have no clue what "big" means... or what "big" pertains to.

So John Wimber (founder of the Vineyard movement) shared once that he was struggling with why his ministry was only mediocre and without power and the Spirit spoke to him and said. "John, I see your ministry.  Now let Me show you Mine."

God's kinda whispering the same things to me.  "I see your dreams, Sarah.  Now let Me show you Mine."

But its been a process.  I've actually had to recognize and acknowledge that MY dreams for my life are NOT going to happen the way I thought.  I'm starting to let myself be okay with this.  And now the question is not, "God, why did You let this happen to me again?!?"  it becomes, "God...whats YOUR underlying plan in all of this?"  Its not, "God!  Why don't You see my dreams?" and it becomes, "God, when are You going to show me YOUR dreams for my life?"

Its a hard shift though.  The only way that God has been able to get me to let go of my childish, girlish dreams for love and romance is to show me that I can't accomplish them.  Ever, and especially on my own.  That in fact, once I open my clenching fists, I find that these little dreams disintegrated long ago and that I'm wasting time and energy trying to keep what was never mine to have.  God may have romance in mind... but its not the way I thought it would be.

Its a hard lesson to learn.  I'll tell you its true since it seems I'm still in the classroom retaking my test... again.

Its pretty surreal.
Friends marrying the "One" for them (and they KNOW that they know).  Having little ones that are practically mini-thems.  And I get to be Aunt "Waha".  I'm rewatching my parents younger years in my own life.  It wasn't so long ago that they were in the same place.  Twenty-two years goes by faster then I could imagine.  I just hope I'm not a waste of space here.  I need to know God is using my life for something important now if its not my time to have my own husband and children.
So many people say, "you're so young.  You've got so much time!"

I don't understand how they don't think that what they're saying is not only belittling of my feelings but also patronizing.

Yes, I'm young.  But I've been praying for my future husband since I was 12.  I've been actively waiting for this in my life for 10 years now.  I don't think thats a small feat.  I'm not an average girl.  Probably why this is so difficult for me.  I'm not even jealous!  I just feel so frustrated with the smallness of my life.
I'm trying so hard to be faithful.  When is God going to show up for me?  When will I begin to see the fruit of my investments into the Kingdom?  Doesn't God see me?

Of course He does.  I KNOW He does.  I'm in very constant connection with Him... though not as much as I ought.  But nevertheless, I cannot change  my feelings.
If this part of life isn't happening for me, what part is?  I'm determined to be okay with where I am, but its becoming increasingly difficult to be content when I don't even have a vision for my life beyond marriage.
What the heck is wrong with me? When did I stop dreaming and how do I start again?
What is my life amounting to?
Its great if others think I'm anointed to lead worship.  But its MY passion.  What HAS God anointed me to do?  Why am I not satisfied with just that?   OR is it that I need a fresh anointing - a renewed mind?
How do I get that?  How do I move out of this pit I'm stuck in?  How do I get my dance back?

A year ago God was moving my heart and giving me vision after vision for my life.
But - they're visions.  How do I live them out in real life?  And... where the heck is that dancer girl in me?
Where's the joy?  Where's the heaven-perspective?
I'm so hurt and I don't even know what to do to heal except for what I'm already doing: crying hard when it finds me and floods in.  Reading and meditating on the scriptures, especially on Jesus's words.  Focusing on my jobs and being busy with those, getting prayed for once in a while... and dealing with all the junk God keeps surfacing in my heart.  This is no glorious season for me.  I just said all of this and I still want to say, "I don't know what to say."

My heart is so restless.

Whats next?

But, He was not in the Wind...He was in my Car.

I'm surprised at how much I'm writing recently... but after quite the lull in my creative streak, I'm back;  probably because I finally have something useful to say.

I think... that I'm at a place where when heartbreaking things happen to me, I can't fight God anymore about it.

I'm at a point where I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of asking questions that I'm not sure I'm supposed to know the answer to.

I must say though:  I am proud that I did what I was supposed to.  I'm proud that I did the right thing - and didn't  hide who I was or shrink back in what I believe in all of this.
If  I'm not supposed to go a certain route in this journey with God, then there's nothing that can keep me going that way, if I'm truly following Him. For that, I am grateful.  He is so sovereign.
I know I'm going to be okay.  In a way, I'm relieved because I finally feel like I have a grasp on whats going on in my life now - love life, really.
God is going on in my love life.

Brought Low

Is it okay if I say that I'm feeling pretty indescribable?

Its been a pretty challenging time thus far, and O to wonder if that is the pace for this upcoming year of mine.

To face insecurities? To challenge lies?

To stare back, boldly standing in the gaze of my newest revealed fears?

Aha. Sounds so... honorable. So courageous. So brave.

But to me? It sounds ... painful. hah!


Yet, I want to learn what it looks like to have authority as a Daughter of God.

To pray and see things happen.

But my faith bust be grown.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

I most certainly am not complaining over life's complications and little complex situations we so often find ourselves in. But neither will you hear me pretend that these sort of things aren't trying, most of the time. Its a pretty real place to be with the Lord. He's got this big thing in mind, and in my little narrow-minded, compact self, I am unable to wrap my understanding around how sovereign He really is.

But ... though I do not hold the capacity for such knowledge, I DO have the capacity to believe it to be true. And you know how big that capacity is? It can be as little as a mustard seed. But Oh! The fruit it will bear in its due season!



Sigh. I don't know.


You know what?

I'm in this place where...

okay. Illustration.


I'm sitting.


In the prayer room, right? I have had a pretty.... "eh" week. Lets just say (if I can be perfectly honest) it hasn't been one of my most "be a super-christian!" weeks.

In fact - I have been seriously dealing with some sin issues in my life MAINLY ... because of my lack of guard. So, on this particular evening, not very long ago at all, I find myself walking into the prayer room with some anger inside. I'm angry at myself because of where I think I should be, and am not, AND, I'm a little hurt by a previous encounter with a friend.

AND ... I'm mad at myself for how the whole situation makes me feel.

So I'm sitting in the prayer room.

An hour goes by. Finally, towards the end of this hour, I finally begin to process.

How long am I really going to go like this? Really?

And in all my "ehhgh" feelings, I begin to really face the Lord.

And that's when He nudges my heart (Which has been condemning me all day at this point.)

Lord? I DON'T feel very spiritual right now. I don't even care to say this. In fact, I ... just absolutely don't get this whole grace and righteousness thing. \


And so goes my honest little heart with the Lord.

I've definitely been in the business of shocking people when I talk about how I sometimes talk with the Lord.

Hah. You know what? I've been doin this for 10 years of my life. I'm pretty sure that if God wanted to shoot me with a lightning bolt, he woulda done it already.

(sorry, sarcasm...and yet not mean sarcasm. just blunt.)

And to be honest? For me to talk this way with the Lord is the most humbling experience because I actually have to admit that I am not perfect. I have to admit that I don't measure up.

I spend my whole life being good at everything and measuring up and pleasing and being the favorite and the good one.

But the truth is?



I don't measure up. And? The standards aren't His. I'm accomplishing nothing in my own strength.


Figures.


And He whispers to me in the most tender, truthful way, "Sarah, its okay."



Its OKAY to be sitting in that chair in the place that I am. Its really okay.

And that's when I realize: I GOT NOTHING.

NADA!


ZIP!


ZERO!




NOTTTHING to bring to Him except exactly what I am at that very moment.

And what I have to bring is so ugly.

And then all I can think about is how I HATE this body.

I HATE this jar of clay.

There is SO much treasure waiting for ME, EVEN inside, that I don't know about and yet I have to deal with a shell of flesh that is tenaciously prone towards sin.


I got nothin.


Apart from Him, there is no good in me.


And as my heart began to grasp this little idea, the lights were turned down for the next set. And we began to sing this song:

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom


How wide, how deep, how great is Your love for me?


We sing it as a statement... but isn't it meant as a question?

Do we have the nerve to actually ask this of the Lord?



Who couldn't?!


Humbled?

hm.


I am indeed being brought low.

for sure.

"I REFUSE!" .... is easier said then done sometimes.

thrusting forward to get to a place to go back.
Back to a place where when I first met Him
...
I believed Him.

I believed what He said. There was no question.
I saw the Lord. I spoke to Him with a simple understanding that if He was real, then so was I.

So what happened?

People hurt you deeply.

Circumstances grow you up. Sin grows you old.

Difficulty begins to define you instead of the Word.
I mean, after all, "difficulty meets me in the reality of the world."


I struggle with myself, consistently. Sometimes I'm okay, and other times I'm in a shambles. Its easy to get my heart turned towards the Lord and determine that "all that is mine is actually God's" when I don't have the numbers of my checking and savings accounts in front of me, after forking over hundreds in car repairs.

I'm struggling quite a bit actually. All this stuff is just running through my head, "what if I can't get my savings back up? what if I need money for ANOTHER emergency and I don't have any? I CAN'T get my savings back up right now! I reaaaally need to get it back up. What if I got married in 5 years? I don't have ANY MONEY set aside! How am I going to pay for the internship? I SHOULD have health insurance, but I just can't afford it. OH MY GOD. MY HOURS are friggen cut! How am I going to pull this off?" LOOPING OVER and OVER! And I have to stop myself and try to remind myself that God takes care of these things! But....


Okay... so, SARAH has been taking care of herself for a long time in this area. When Sarah needed to buy something, Sarah saved and planned and budgeted and worked. She was in control of all of this, and she was blessed.

But now? One thing after another and another and another. And it JUST KEEPS GOING!!!!!!!!! I've never felt so.... insignificant in all of my LIFE. I am SO responsible with my finances, how could this happen?

And so I'm struggling with the truth that - God is entirely in control. I need to take my place here - and that place has NOTHING to do with me being in control.
I just feel like a total failure and I have no idea how I'm going to regain all that I'd worked for.

But then..... Why did I work for it? What was I working for?

I don't know.
I definitely feel defeated.
And I understand that this is a VERY good thing, do not get me wrong!
In fact, I pray that a sweet lesson in humility is learned through all of this - and gained, a strengthening of faith.

I have no idea how I'm going to provide financially for myself, going forward.
But you know what?


This time - I need to let God cover that area of my life. Just because something that was entirely out of control happened, doesn't mean that I'm irresponsible or that God thinks I failed in what He gave me to take care of.
I KNOW this. - in my head.

But I REALLY need to know this in my heart, and I don't.
Its why I'm so upset about it.


Sigh.

you know? These were Sarah thoughts today. Nothing profound or intelligent. I just needed to write this out for myself.

A Time of Numbness Comes to a Sudden Close

You know what ticks me off? People who complain about not having any friends, but they were the ones who killed the friendships they had. And you know what? No one hears me complaining?! I'm SO annoyed by those who complain ALL the time about the things they don't have but aren't even willing to admit that THEY'RE the ones who made it all happen CONSCIOUSLY. What happened to sticking with your girls when things got rough? What happened to, "I'm with you girl!"?



I'm pissed off because I can't make friends as easily as people think and the few that I have YEARS with can't deal with me. I'm too much. Its MY fault.


GOD!



I'm SO tired of SCREWY THINGS. ITS NOT A GOD THING. Its an US thing. WE'RE the screwed up ones! What is up with telling people that God told you things but you can't back it up with scripture? What is UP with HINDERING friendships because God told you something? Gah.


I'm SO frustrated.


And the hardest part is: I'm starting to feel EVERYTHING now. No more numbness. Its ALL coming in waves of anger, injustice and just out-right SADNESS.


Mostly I'm just angry. I'm angry at those I trusted to be doing GOD things and instead they're hiding from conflict.


GOD I HATE IT.


I just want to cry. No one's growing up here except for me, and its against my own premonitions.



*This is a disclaimer. Anything that may have been said was spoken out of emotional stress and over-flowed feelings. However, this disclaimer does not disqualify the truth and reality still proclaimed in the entry above. Thank you.

Feelings.... acknowledgements and such

mmm...


What an interesting blog this must be.

There's so much of me in here... why need I hide? I continue in my persuence to express myself more accurately.

A jumble of emotions right now... an intern friend who has now become a pastor just called me and we talked for a while. I forgot how much I enjoyed hearing him rant about things, hehe. Its nice to know he hasnt found someone quite yet to replace me. I think I miss arguing with him and I definitely miss his wife and girls. It made me feel loved, I really must say.


I don't think I've ever experienced this much hate in my life as I have in the last year and a half or so.

The things that get back to me about what people say come through the most unlikely people and there's always the question of, "How did YOU hear about THAT?!"

Its been several months now since my last night at my old church and even more time since my last day as an intern.

It blows me away that people are still talking bad about me and my family. Don't they have anything better to do with their lives?

They definitely can't take what animosity they have into the ministry. However, this is not what I must fix. God will work that out with them. My part is to forgive. I've never learned so much about forgiveness as I have this last year. I've never had to forgive so much in my LIFE! I don't think I truly understand why peter asked Jesus how many times we should forgive our neighbors and God said, "70 times 7, Peter." And through this passage Jesus whispers to me through His spirit as I question Him ,"How many times, Lord?"
"Seventy times 7, My Child. Keep on going..."

I've never cried so much in my entire life as I have in this last season of my life. And I continue to cry just as often.

There's so much healing that God is doing in me. There's so much confirmation.
There's so much....yuck in my own heart.
Without all the accountability at the church, I'm held accountable by God. Does anyone know how humbling that is? There's no PLACE for selfrighteousness! NoNE! I can't even say something even partially judging without thinking if I have a place to have that oppinion of any such thing.

And then there's the lack of friends.

Friends I lack.

or better yet, friends who have completely walked away.

And this of course leaves me to question other friendships I thought I had. And this leads to a lack of trust.

And then I think even though I know its not true, I've been replaced. I'm so replaceable.

God, it hurts so much.
Its so hard because some of these ppl know me so well that even after we are no longer friends, ALL I have to do is catch their eye across the room and I know what they're thinking and they know what I'm thinking and we'd share a private, intimate moment. I CANT do that. It wouldn't show my respect to them.
I respect their wishes, and to be honest, I respect my heart enough to know that the more I play the game of compromise, the more I hurt myself in the long run.

I played that game with my last boyfriend after I broke up with him. How silly I was to think I could balance what is already one-sided?

And then there are those who have left or are about to leave. I sometimes envy them. I wish I were going. I wish my future were so promising. I wish I could get away from the place where I know backwards and forwards but no longer belong. And so I wait. I wait and I love on people as I go... as much as I can.

But then there are those people that you love reguardless of how much into each others lives you are. There are those you so highly respect... and SO wish you could deserve some day. But you can't. And they are out of reach.
How do you love someone so dearly and deal with whether you'll ever talk to them again? How do you let them go? Gracefully.

I've learned that no one is ever yours. No matter how many promises you might have. No matter what you feel God has and no matter how long you think a friendship will last, God ways are never our ways. And we misconstrue what we think He is saying SO many times.

So I've learned to hear His voice NOT in the raging storm, not in the quaking earth and never in fire-come down emotional times. His voice is the voice of Truth and of reasonable undignification. It is never something to doubt because the way He speaks to our hearts can never be doubted. Its not even that "you just know". Its that He speaks in a way that no one else can. AND... He speaks right at the most mundane ordinary moments... right into my everyday conversations, adding His beautiful thoughts into my own and being able to repeat it for the first time out loud. And I know its Him. And He knows the way He speaks to me is perfect for me.


He knows.

He knows I'm lonely.


I wonder if I ask for miracles.... what would he do? I wonder if I ask for good, Godly friends, what he would say.


I should try, shouldn't I?

True Influence...

So last night was my last night at cornerstone chapel. My heart ached, my eyes cried. But it was one last, sad look on the place of, really, my spiritual youth.

I grew up in the way I should go, there.

But, though God is at work in the place where I've spent so much of my life, He's on to a new thing with me.


I scanned the place where I led worship so many times for so many different people. I took in the carpet that held so many of my tears as I sought some floor space.
I looked at the corner where I sat and prayed for so many people.
I sat in the chairs I never actually sat in very much because I was always in the sound booth running the computer or sound...

And I watched as my pastor - the one who showed me how to lead and pastor as I do now, get on his knees and wash both the new youth pastor and the new youth directors' feet.

I watched as 3 of the strongest men in my life openly wepped, being humbled in so many different ways.

I saw Jesus.


And so, as I took all of this in, I couldn't help but wonder - what sort of legacy did I leave?

None but a few people talked to be as I spent my last Wednesday watching everything go on around me.
I'm sure many have their opinions of me and my choice to leave. I'm sure many are glad. But then there were a few people, surprising as it was, whom I never knew would hug me with tears in their eyes and thank me...

My heart is overwhelmed with a sadness, a love, and a need to continue forward.
I loved these people. I still do. In so many ways I pastored them... as did all the rest of the youth leaders.

But God gave me charge over the 6th grade girls this year, thanks to Pastor Mark, and those girls were MY girls. :)

I grew so much as I taught them as best I could what God has been showing me. I probably grew more then they did.
But one thing I know... it meant more then anything to me when they each gave me hugs as I watched them deal in their own way with the fact that I wouldn't be there again.

Some were silly and acted normal.

Then there were just a few... just a few who sadly looked at me through those beautiful little eyes of theirs and told me they'd miss me and couldn't stop hugging me.

God!

THAT is God.

I could never have loved those girls the way I did without God's love... and that Love He first loved me with.

They mean soo much to me. Heh, no matter what I was going through each week, they were a constant reminder that I needed to just look past myself and my problems for a while to see the beauty of the Lord in each little heart as I listened to THEIR problems.


Influence.

11 years old and the Lord revealed Himself to me. I was 12 years old when He encountered me with His Spirit. 13 when I started thinking about missions. I was 14 when I knew I'd follow Him into the ministry. 16 when I began to lead worship. 18 When I began to truly pursue ministry as a life job... All of which Pastor Mark has only encouraged and helped develope as time went on. Now here at 19, the Lord thinks its time to move MY influencer on. He thinks I'm ready to be without him.

I think of how much Pastor Mark influenced my life... How much his life - the way he lived it, impacted mine.

And then I think of how for just the short amount of essential time I may have influenced these blossoming young women. What will they remember so many years down the line that may have impacted them?

I pray it was Jesus they saw.
I pray that the way I lived MY life, the way I conducted myself, is something they will consider, and that in some strange way, they'd imitate my faith, just as I have been trying to imitate PM's.

I hope that this part of my life would line up with Hebrews 13:7 -

Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith.

I guess you could say that I'm blown away by all God continues to show me about how important it is to represent Jesus to the world.
But you can't just start with the world first.

You must start small. Start young. Start with what God gives you.
Its sort of like the promise of Abraham that we go by - God will multiply us. I may not see the fruits of my labor, but those girls may. Praise the Lord.

:)

What peace, to know that in His time, God makes all things beautiful?

As long as for me, that beauty is in producing fruit, It'll be worth all the heart ache.

It'll be worth every tear.

The Warrior is a Child

I almost feel safe to write here since it seems like this blog is forgotten now. Good. I can write for myself.

My heart hurts. Kind of like how after an earth quake, the earth will have that one last rumble.. almost like a reverb of the real thing.

That's what I'm going through. I've been through the initial pain, but its like I'm getting that feedback - that reverb. I feel... sick.

Not sick sick. Sick. I feel so used. I feel so discarded - like no one could really love me... its all just fake. And really, that no guy out there that could love me the way I need to be loved, would be able to stay true... to give me his word, to commit to my heart. I feel so... beside myself.

Do not take this wrong:

Jesus is my ALL. ALL my hope is in Him. ALL my love is in Him. ALL my strength is in Him. He IS my joy. Oh is He ever my very present Joy!

But I regret my life this last year. I regret it because it was so wonderful. I regret it because I bought into it as though it were real, as though it were true. I regret thinking that I couldn't get any happier. I regret that I believed that I WAS happy. I regret trusting so much.

And, I regret that I set myself up for heartbreak. REAL heart break. Painful heart break. I'm STILL dealing with it. I STILL wake up early in the morning and cry myself back to sleep. WHY!?!

I regret that I'm not over my hurt yet. I regret that it still effects me.

Truthfully, I regret investing so much that it DID effect me.

And its no longer about the person who hurt me. All is forgiven. But now I have this backlash of emotional pain that I've never experienced before.

One thing I don't regret: I truly understand what it is to guard one's heart. I've always had a hard time understand how one does it. ALWAYS.

But today, at a young 18 years, I have found the secret to guarding one's heart.

Its by not investing in relationships with guys the same way one invests relationships with girls (and vice versa with guys). Its about keeping ALL young men at an arms length. Its about not letting them into the depths where poems are formed, where songs are written, where true prayers are conceived.

Its not because I don't like guys. ON the contrary! I feel WAAY more comfortable with guys then with girls.

But that's where its a problem.

Pointers Sarah has learned from eXPERIENCE, the HARD WAY:

*DO NOT get involved with a guy who is recently hurting over another girl. You'll set yourself up for being used.

*DO NOT let a person push your personal boundaries made by your own convictions! You'll regret it.

*DO NOT get involved right away, whether you've known each other a long time or for a little: give things time.

*DO NOT intentionally see each other every day. Its speeds up the process emotionally, but not spiritually. God's timing doesn't follow ours. Wait a year.

*DO NOT! date or court someone who has a RECENT history of getting into Noncommittal relationships and has a tendency to flirt with everyone. Don't be fooled. ANYONE can be nice and really friendly. But not everyone has self control. LOOK for one who does.

*DON'T allow someone to tell you they love you until they've proven it with patience and follows the exclamation with a proposal to be his wife forever.

*DON'T DON'T DON'T talk about marriage until you're ABLE to marry... OR until you've been proposed to.

*DON'T find it acceptable that a guy thinks your different from the rest of your family.

*DON'T think its going to work with a guy if you can't even communicate openly.

*DON'T even get serious with someone who your family either doesn't like and or, HE doesn't like your family.

*IF he doesn't fit in with your family, its not gunna work.

*...THE end.



Yeah, so that helped me vent a little.

I'm not mad. I'm not.. anything really. Maybe upset. Sometimes I wish I could just get out of here and find guys who aren't amazed that I'm Sarah, and aren't jerks and treat me like dirt. I just want real people. People I can connect to, you know?

I know people who love me, but I can bearly count the people who truly understand me. I can DEFINITELY tell you of the countless of people who said they understood me, who said they loved me, who said they cared, and are no longer a part of my life.

Interesting isn't it?


Hm. I'm in a confusing state. I'm not confused, I'm living in weird new world where I don't know what my next step will be. I'm not angry or unforgiving, I'm upset. I'm mixed up. I'm disoriented. I'm... hurt.

I'm not extraordinarily strong willed, I'm a child in a suit of armor.

THIS, my friends, is my song.


<

Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child

Big Girls don't Cry... I'm not a big girl.

I was driving home from work and I turned on the radio. Now usually, I like to listen to soft rock and stuff, but the song that was on caught my ear, and I caught the chorus.

I listened to the song, and I think I may have cried. When the song was over, I sat there and I realized that my heart was begging God to let me have my bestest friend as my husband someday.

I actually never got rid of my baby banket. I guess you'd need to have something that you're sentimentally attached to, to understand where I'm coming from, but I realized that yes, there's time to grow up, but I want my best friend to marry me.

sigh.


so here's the lyrics that grasped my heart in a weird sort of way.

Big Girls Don't Cry
by Fergie

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself instead of calamity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
Ill be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if u want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself instead of calamity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry