In Honor of Valentine's Day: Do You Want My Hand or My Heart?

It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the glory of kings to search out a matter. –    Proverbs 25:2 NASB

It has not been often that my heart has been searched out by people. Surprisingly not even most of the guys I’ve dated have cared to truly know me.

Oh, I’ve been told I was known.  They didn’t need to ask me questions to know me.  They just did, they said.

“I feel like I’ve known you all my life!”

That’s my favorite line.  I’ve heard it enough times to throw up a gallon of those lines.

…It could be a sweet sentiment, but to me, if it is not paired with actually knowing my heart, it makes me wince.  It would make anyone who's been in my position wince.

My experience, much like some of yours, acquainted me with the understanding that people like me not necessarily for who I am, but more for what I do.

First Kisses, Honor and God's Love

 "Love one another with brotherly affection; Outdo one another in showing honor." - Romans 12:10

Sitting back in a corner of my local Starbucks, I reflect on all the things that are delightful to me despite the chaos precariously whirling my little world upside down.
I'm sure you can relate.  For a moment I block out the hefty issues in front of me and choose to lean into the simplicity of ... the weather. No joke. 
I welcome thoughts of my favorite season gently riding in on the heels of late-summer's flat air thick with car-fumes, last minute barbecues and the frenzied preparations for the next school year. The coolness, the crispness, the pumpkins, the spices...the smell of bonfire smoke in my hair.
 I welcome those thoughts because it reminds me that the world doesn't revolve around me.  In fact - life goes on, and that is why I am where I am in this season - because its time to grow.

Before I go on, I want to share a story.

 Its not a very nice one and it most certainly doesn't make me look good.  But here it goes.

Just some thoughts -Not well explained

Hm...

If there was ever a season of writing, THIS is that season.  I'm keeping 2 blogs, tweeting, andddd....3 journals right now for various reasons.

I think its because there's a lot that God is doing in my heart right now.  Lots of good - looking at lots of ugly.
I'm dealing with SO many things that are from years ago - anger, unforgiveness, and all these little girl dreams and things that people have spoken over my life that I've forgotten about ... until now.

I'm surprised at all thats coming out this way, but I guess its time to deal with some things.

God's given me a picture of a hope chest filled with many things - all my childhood and everything that entangled with it.  To open this chest and explore the contents, there IS a catch.  With all the good, I must also face all the bad.

So its definitely been a little journey - one that I've been afraid of, but one that can also be easily fixed:  forgiveness.

But here's the other thing I'm afraid to face:  all my little dreams.

If you read far back enough in this blog, you'll meet an optimistic, romantic, naive, unbroken teenager with the unrealistic, ideal world at her finger tips.
Its been a long time since then, and God is reteaching me that not all that I dreamed of in that time was bad.

Sixteen, going on 17.  6 years ago - and can you believe I've been writing in this blog for that long?

Its hard when everyone's getting married and engaged and YOU'RE the one going through a break-up and readjustment of life.
In all reality though, I've over the break-up.
Its the disappointment that its still not my time yet.

And then to add to all that, everything I know I want (regardless of whether I'm in denial or not) is either right out of my reach and right in front of me (simultaneously)  OR - I just haven't thought of it yet.

So pretty much, its the first one.

I'm going to be real right now:

I don't want to be one of those really cool Christian girls who's just - you just LOVE them - and you can't understand why they're not married yet.   Why God hasn't brought someone around for them.
Unfortunately - haha or maybe fortunately, I have become this very thing.  :)

Is my heart disappointed?  Yes.  I really just want a friend who will know me, enjoy me, dream with me and want me for me.

But will I be okay?

Yeaaah..... I will be.  I always am, anyway.  I'm really not sure what the real lesson is for me right now and I think thats what perplexes me the most at this point today.

I refuse -REFUSE - to take a mindset that question's God's goodness when things aren't going the way I'd like.
Instead, I'm going to be a faithful friend to my lovely sisters who ARE getting married, I'm going to be me, and I'm going to focus on loving people and letting go of the pen to my life.

I DO anticipate what God could do in my life in the next 2 years or so.  I'm actually going to Kansas City for the first time in a few weeks - a road trip with some girlfriends.
I'm pursuing purity on a whole new level - and I'm taking action in guarding my heart better - and guarding the hearts of the one's I love better - both male and female.
And I'm going to try white-water rafting - Something I've always secretly wanted to try.
And I'm applying to go on a mission trip to Africa next June - because I've always wanted to go to Africa since I was 10.
I'm starting to make choices that keep me moving and active and I'm trying to eat better just in general.
And - I'm trying to find opportunities to talk to people about God in the work place.  THATS my deal right now.

The JOY of the Lord is my strength.

I really really really want to bless God and those around me.

I could certainly use yours prayers.
And hey! don't hesitate to write me if you have a thought or a word for me.
I'm always up for that. :)

blessings,

Sarah

An Undefeated Heart

It has definitely been a while since I have expressed my thoughts in this little blog. I'm so glad I have it for the very reason that I may be able to when I am ready. It has been quite the journey so far, this summer, as the Lord is bringing me nearer to His heart.


I know I struggle with holding myself to a standard of perfection, and NO ONE is more disappointed in myself then me when I don't meet it.

Somewhere along the way I started to believe that whenever something bad happened to me, it HAD to have been my fault somehow. I did something. It was a glitch somewhere that I didn't catch. So, I mull over everything I could have done better or differently until I find a fault. I then tweak it and believe that NEXT time, (because of my "fixing the problem") I shouldn't have anymore issues.

But c'mon. I'm human. I mess things up. I don't usually factor that in to my flawed mindset, however, and the vicious cycle continues.

This season has been a time of breaking the cycle.

Love with no Expectations

Love with no expectations of it being reciprocated.

This idea has been presented to me over this last year and as painful as I know it must be, I remember telling God I wanted that kind of Love.
Interesting, He always seems to answer those kinds of prayers.

I think its loving people with no condition. There is actually no option to NOT love them. We are called to love one another - it is exactly what sets us apart. It is part of the great commandment Jesus gives us to love God and then to love each other, as WELL as later saying that we will be known as disciples because of our love for one another.

But what does that look like?

Do we really know our true tendency towards the opposite of love?

Do we really get how selfish and self centered we really are?

Submission.

What does THAT look like?

What does Love look like?

huh.


How about speaking the truth in love?

Or having love that is genuine and sincere?

Or what about actually SAYING "I love you" to people we really do?
Or saying "I love you" to people we really don't?


I would venture to say we should be offending ourselves with the flippancy we throw around the very nature of God.

hah! Romans 12 says, "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."

What DOES that look like, really?




hm. I don't know. All I know is that the Lord is calling me to love - WITHOUT expectation. Honoring my brothers and my sisters in the Lord. Being full of integrity towards them and guarding their hearts before Christ.

Sigh.


It really sucks though, when people don't get how important that stuff is... because then Love isn't as sacred or beautiful to them as it is to me, then is it?

Hah!

I think we just need to get to know God more.

That would solve everything, really. :)

Yes it would.

It should be a costly thing - a woman's heart....

Though some of the perspective of this poem is not necessarely applicable, still, the real essense behind it is the confidence of a truly beautiful woman who requires a man who pursues her to be a man of God - and also, one who sees the value of her heart.

"An excellent (or virtuous) wife, who can find? Her worth is far above jewels." -Proverbs 31:10

As I am determined to be such a woman, I do agree with the heart of the poem, as well as enjoy how it is read.

Be blessed,

Sarah

A WOMAN'S QUESTION
Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life--
And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be as true as God's stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts---
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as he did on the first
And say: "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then, 'mid the falling leaves
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.
Lena Lathrop

She, with unveiled face...

Yes, It has been a while since I've written my thoughts out for the world ... the small of the world that I reach, that is. Be as it may, the Lord is moving in me like I've never experienced before.

I will say I'm GROWING.

I'm frustrated with the amount of flaw I see in myself because I'm trying so hard, and THEN I'm OFFENDED in my little heart when others SAY they see my flaws too.
hah! What can you do? I can't win for losing, it seems. like I said. I'm still growing.

Dreams.

Desires.

Longings of the Heart.

These are things I'm being faced with in my walk with the Lord as of late, and whats funny is that YES! I am being FACED with them.

I am finding myself in a place where the Lord has brought out all of my most precious desires, dreams, longings. The things that are dearest to my soul - he's brought them out from behind lock and key and is holding them out for me to see. But for me, be what it may seem to everyone around me, to look at these things cause a great deal of pain in my life. For a few weeks I stood before the Lord and pointed my little finger in the air and denied them as ever having been my own.

But that doesn't deter the Father. His hand still held them before me.
Of course, there is no way that I would be able to deny Him for long, since He KNOWS me. AND - I know me. This whole denial thing is pointless, really. So we move on in the process. I admit that yes, those ARE indeed my desires. But the acknowledgment of those desires does something for me that I wasn't necessarily expecting: They become real and quite tangible to me. Those aren't JUST the deepest desires of my heart.... THEY ARE the deepest things of my heart - and I want it all desperately.

Which sucks. Because I've been pretty good at being strong about this for quite some time.

So this weekend, it hits its climax with the reality that - um - there's not a single notion of certain things that I desire, at all in front of me. And it was here in this place I found that my most precious sacrifice of love at this time in my life was to lay down all that I've ever longed for - before the Lord in humble submission.

Isn't that what being a follower is all about? Whatever the cost?

I could sit here and write about counting the cost of love to the Lord.
But that would be folly in the light of the price He has paid without batting an eyelash.
Its not about the cost anyway. Its about how great the Love.

I'm ... absolutely in love with the Lord. Hah! - I sit here thinking about what I DON'T have... but the truth is, I have it ALL, when I'm with Him. I'm not lacking a thing. And I'm glad to say that in all of my immaturity and in all the times I don't live up to my claim, Its His grace that allows me to be bold in my confidence and live with an unveiled radiance of freedom and glory.

His grace is the covering over all of my nakedness - all of my ugliest parts, still being worked out of me. Hah, and how Jesus loves us more than Noah's sons loved him and covered him!

I'm beginning to touch the surface of what real love might be. And what real love begins to look like towards others, when I've been loved sufficiently - His grace, being enough to perfect me in Him.

I've been writing a lot lately in my personal journals and a song kind of slipped out from somewhere inside. First time in probably 2 years, actually.
I'd love to share it with you - and also - KNOW that it is subject to be added to in the future. But for now, Here I GO.

Here I Go Again (revised)
by Sarah Faithy (as always) 11-2-09

Here I go again
and I'll direct my prayers by the point of my pen
and I don't even know who you are
But for you, dear One, my heart is set apart

I'm a garden enclosed
safe within the cleft of the rocks
I'm a mystery
I'll captivate you with one glance


This will be something beautiful
Oh the Love of God is powerful (wonderful)
Underneath the shadow in the secret place
that's where you'll find me - I will be waiting.

As I fall for the Lord
I find I'm beginning to love you more
and I don't even know your name
but I don't need convinced that you're worth the wait

My beloved and my friend
you are distinguished among ten thousand
make haste, my betrothed
be like a deer and leap over the mountains, into your garden

:)

Invitation Made

Invitation Made

The invitation made
prsented here for you
come know me for who I am
find treasure worth pursuit.

Find me more then lovely
and with an open eye
dig past all the smiles
press forward to the prize.

Strong and bold - O the walls
my fortress and surrounding
there is a place the King knows well
So know Him or no finding.

For it is He who lets one in
guarding heart and mind
by His peace I trust in Him
So in Him do abide.

Oh see all thats before you
be valiant, be strong
gird your sword and ride onward
for you, I've waited long.

Risky Praying is all I Have to Give

Isn't He wonderful? Isn't He beautiful?


Remedy by David Crowder Band. When I sit back to really listen to it, it takes me back to a little place, on the long of a row of chairs at my old church, waiting for worship to begin at a young adult service. I remember being so calloused but so weary and so exhausted. And I laid there and this song began to pound into the very beating of my heart as the soft, child-like tune began.

It made me a child.

And as I became that child as the tune continued, the words struck my very, very, hurting spirit.

Here we are,
Here we are
The broken and used
Mistreated, abused
Here we are



I listened, like a dear in the headlights.
I was caught.
He saw me.


I cried, painful, very distinct tears that moment, before the Lord.
He saw me.






Its so easy to forget who God's been to you when its going okay and you're emotionally alright.

But just because we're emotionally alright doesn't mean that our spirit is okay.

I'm still that child.

Does anyone remember Twila Paris's The Warrior is a Child?

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child


I feel like I've come home for a while, from the battle. And some things have changed, and others haven't.


I see that I'm a different person because of all I've experienced. I have so much to see yet. So much to learn. So much to grow.

I'm so just 20.


But I'm His. And I've definitely gotten a few battle scars. God knows how many more I'll continue to accumulate.


But the thing is...

I am this child.



I can't even imagine, if I've hurt so deeply before, what it must be like to live a life where that hurt is all you know, and to never know that God is with you.

How many people believe that they're alone?




My heart swells, my eyes hurt.



God? Do all that You will. Allow all that You have planned. Let me be like You to the people around me.
Break me down. Build You up.

sigh.


I know that's a considerably risky prayer.

That's why I prayed it.


I've got an eternity to be what God wants me to be. But I've got only a lifetime to learn it.

Risky prayers is all I have to give.



:)

A New Sort of Thought on a Subject, Old, Used and Pretttty Rejected by Me for a While.

Hah! So I was going through some of my old journals today and I found a poem I had written SORT of about my future husband, but more towards where I was about it and it made me smile and then I smiled some more, as though I had some sort of inside joke with myself, being a lot older now, knowing that God has done something crazy in my life when it comes to real romance of the heart.

But I thought I'd share it with all my readers. :) In past entries when I was younger in this blog, I wrote non-stop about such things - romance, etc etc and sooo many people said I was obsessed. Hehe. I was. I'm still smiling though.


Here goes:

"Amidst the Broken Sea, My Dream Lives On" (-sooo dramatic. haha.)

By: Sarah G.
8-30-05
"Thinking, thinking, thinking
So I wonder who you are
the questions running though my heart
are numbered by and far.
Shall I begin an escepade
to tell you what I ask?
When God is nigh and I the deep
come out from past my mask;
confessing much, I'll say,
I try to day the dream away
yet amidst those dark night hours
resurecting as I may.
though curious in state
towards who you are, you see
I'm near convinced, as I scope the world
that you will never be.
Broken hearts - broken seas,
I hold my own dream tight
But Father God said, " You must let Go!"
So I trust with all my might."

I smile because of my little heart ranting on and on for hours about who he might be.
I was more frightened then anything of doing the wrong thing or giving my heart to the wrong person.
FOUR years ago, I wrote this little poem to express the way I felt about the whole situation and I'm so at peace now.

I'm just watching myself react to so much and I think, "I would have struggled with THESE thoughts here, but I don't even worry about it any more..." And its true.

I guess part of it comes to truly letting go of your own hopes and desires and trusting that God's plan for you is so much more precious.

I've been thinking lately that I have a habit of needing to touch the stove and get burned to believe that its truly hot. I seem to just work that way and its rather annoying. But then I think, "Maybe I don't even know what 'hot' feels like, sometimes." And I think I may be right.

I never knew what it really was to guard my heart... and so I had to make a huge mistake to realize "OH WAIT... so THATS how you do it..." after looking at a good burn mark on my hands that will leave a scar with its story.

I just make myself laugh. What a goof off I was when I was younger. What a goof off I am NOW! But, hah! 16 years old, right? I'm DYING to get married and to have romance of ANY SORT in my life. DYING!!!

Now I'm nearing 20 and ..... I just smile. I've never known such a Love as the Love of Jesus. There's a certain place God takes you at some point in your life where God strips you of all your "gold jewlery" braided hair and imaculant garments (like How the prophets talk about God stripping the harlotry away from the children of Israel?) And there I am - just as I am before the Lord. And I am ashamed. I am broken, I am humbled. And He makes me His.

And its in that place, the Lord said, I will call Him "Husband".

Have you ever placed all your antisipation, all your dreams on one person?

I have. Its the only way God could remove it from my life. I lived for Romance instead of God. I lived in the hopes and antisipation of love rather then IN Love.

He's changed that in my heart and now I merely smile a loaded, thoughtful, quiet smile at my young, young self.

"Her day will come," I thought. It will. Someday.

But thats really not the point of my life, is it, anymore? I'm so in love with the Lord. I'm so ready to pursue furthuring His Kingdom, solo. The only way marriage would be an option, I think, is that it would furthur God's Kingdom more because of our partnership then if we were both seperate. I sort of remember when this first dawned on me. I was blown away - ITS REALLY NOT ABOUT US!

It really is not! Its not about me being with the most attractive person. Its really not about me being romanced every day and it certainly is not about ME finding the person who makes ME feel fulfilled at all.

Its about Jesus.
Its about learning how to love in a way that is closest to the kind of love we should have for Him.
Its about being a witness. Its about blessing your spouse. Its about the children you may raise and bring up. Its about honor and respect of boundaries. Its about God and His people, His ways, His Life. Its about God.

When did it get so mixed up?

We grow up being taught to follow our feelings, not the voice of God.
We've grown up in a world where romance is riddled with lust, sex and material items.
I've gone there. It is the most unattractive, unfulfilling experience I have ever known. And its the most revolting. Its so bad its one of the those things I can't even stomache. God's plan is bigger in my life. Its for purity and honor and of true beauty. The church has fallen so deep into the though processes of the world when it comes to these things. I think maybe God wants to give us a heart to change that. I'll start with me.

we're made for something different. God's way is different. Me? Win my heart and THEN ask me to commit. WITH A RING. Not this whole, lets live together and have kids and then MAYBE, when we have enough money, we'll get married. what?!

Hey guys, thats WHAT PEOPLE IN THE CHURCHES ARE DOING TOO!!!

Sigh.


Slighly depressing but I'm not to be faultered in my thoughts here. God has a plan for His people and He's looking for those who understand. Psalms says that.

Its been... wow. probably a year or so since I've talked about this subject in any form. I will not lie - I needed to take a year.

Hey, taking a year off from dating or liking people or whatever, is the BEST THING I've ever done for me, my relationship with God and also, really, in my puruit to honor my husband some day. I've never learned more about my heart then in this past year and Man! Have I learned to focus.

Please do it if you feel led!


Hm. Thats all for now.


Now what to eat.....

My Ending Thoughts to 2008's Conclusion.

To begin with, the 3 pictures directly above what I'm writing seem to sum up my life in the last year.
A weeping willow tree - weeping, beautiful, strong.
a dancer - I have this one on my dresser - this little thing so very clearly identifies with my heart before the Lord, especially this last year.
And the exhausted, sobbing angel. If I could picture my spirit, it might've looked something like this....



Sometimes I wish I wasn't so curious about how people are doing all the time because I'm usually dissapointed.

A wise woman told me all my life, "Sarah, don't put your trust in people. People will ALWAYS let you down. Put your trust in Jesus. He never ever changes."

The same woman also told me all my life, "Sarah, you were never meant to fit in. You were always made to stick out. Thats a gift!!"


Two very profound statements that have surrounded my life like a swarm of bees around their hive.

Always happening. Always moving. ALWAYS relevant.


What a deep, wounded year for me.

2008.

Fold after fold of pain upon pain, attack upon personal attack.

A moment in life where I was made to count it all loss for the sake of the Cross.

The cross I would bare.


I don't think I've cried so bitterly in my life, as I have in this phase of these long and yet so shortly lived 12 months.
I don't think I've been so lonely. I don't think I've been so slain within my heart.
I don't think I've ever seen a more broken heart then mine. I guess you could try to compare it to one I saw breaking on the church steps a few years ago, inbetween services, as she learned her boyfriend had died. But I don't think you can. This heart desires deeply to do the will of God. It has been seasoned, even if just a little. This agony I dare say, may go much deeper. I may have kissed the agony of Christ. Shared with Him in His dispare. In His batrayal. His best friend betrayed Him for silver - for the religious leaders. The "Church". His other friend denied he ever knew Him 3 times, after he so loudly and boldly stated he would follow Him even unto death. I have known such betrayal, even if just a fraction. But even to the small extent I have endured, the pain was 10 times worse.

Why, Lord?


A very simple cry, I have indeed begged Him.


"To watch with Me for an hour, Child."


A deep, ingrained answer to the very core of my being. I know why. Because I am His. A true disciple. He will take me on a Journey that He Himself has gone.
And, there will be moments of ministry that will need a tear-stricken revelution. A conlusion made with the most needy of hearts - the testimonies I bear.


Forgiveness.

This is soo so new to me. I forgive easily when someone admits they're wrong.
Its easy, isn't it?

But what if they think they're right? What if they don't care? What if they take joy in hurting you or if they put you in a place where YOU have to explain EVERYTHING when its nothing you can fix and its nothing that you did?

Seven times, Lord?


"No Child, Seventy times Seven. Keep Going, dear One."


Sobs.

I have never been so strained in this place before. Give grace when all you feel is hate? I admit, I am more angry at injustice and being accused wrongly then I am of the actual offence itself. I am angry of the actions that proceed the supposed "clearing up" of an issue.

Its so WRONG!

BUT.


God is God, and vengance is His.

Let forgiveness flow.

I am a hypocrite. I have unforgiveness in my soul. It runs in my vains into my very torn up heart. I have been so very very wounded.
I mean, really, theres a well inside of me thats bursting and I don't know how to just let it go. But I WANT to let it go. I want to cry until I'm free.

I think thats the point. This is where God wants me.

Where I am in a place where I'm not in charge.
I WANT to do the right thing, and the rest of it, I'm not in control of.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Bring her into the wilderness
And speak kindly to her.
"Then I will give her her vineyards from there,
And the valley of Achor as a door of hope
And she will sing there as in the days of her youth...
And it shall be, in that day,”
Says the LORD, “ That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’
And no longer call Me ‘My Master'".

Hosea 2:14-16

I am a broken bride.

I have given my heart away to so many things - I've been a harlot of sorts.

Yet He called me here.
Blessed year of 2008.
A right to womanhood.
A passageway through which I become intimate with Him.
A place where I will not only sing as I did in the days when I first met Him, but I will be redeemed because I have lost so much innocence.

Every tear, God told me, He knows what exactly its for. He knows the reason for it.
I must have had so many unspoken, unformed reasons this year.

But one thing I've learned more then anything this last year is: I NEED Him. I NEED Jesus. He's MORE than enough for me. He IS my Love. He IS my life. He FILLS my desires. He quenches my thirsts. Every word that proceeds from His mouth is better then mere bread. His love is better then wine. Nothing can satisfy the void that only He can fill.
Friends can't fill it, boyfriends can't fill it, my dreams can't fill it, my music can't fill it, WORDS can't fill it, my ego can't fill it. Nothing can!

I am poor. I am in deed. My spirit is quiet, poor, humbled. Faithful.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs in the Kingdom of God."

Heh. These people have the kingdom of God. What a witness. What a way to draw all men unto Himself.


The Vineyard. A place where I worked hard. Dark but lovely. But Jesus said to me, "Martha, Martha, Martha."
And I knew, the Vineyard was not my ministry. Jesus was. And when I began to touch that concept the most amazing thing happened in my heart: a Garden began to flurish, full throttle.

"And He will give her her vineyards from there"...


So very cleverly thought, that I go to a Vineyard church now.
Growing friendships, endless possibilites.
A new job.
Light at the end of the tunnel?

I don't know. I'm too busy staring at the Center of my life to pay attention to that. Everything just.... comes together in chaotic unision to revolve around this thing called God's Love.

"And all of a sudden, I am unaware of the afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great You're affections are for me."



A new year is the most exciting thing that could happen for me right now.

To leave it all behind and press on.

"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,
and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith,
that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death;
in order that I mayattain to the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.
Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. "

philipians 3:8-12




Its one of my most favorite things Paul ever said.


And I will end this entry with that.


Not that I've been made perfect, but this I know, forgetting those things which are behind, I press on towards the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

So let it be done, in Jesus Name.




I love you, dear brothers and sisters. Thank you for reading.

He Paints One Stroke & the Sky Goes Crazy With Love...(A Stroke of Genius, Perhaps?)

So last night I had a lot to think about.

I think I was taking in a meshing of personalities and I was rather agitated that everyone was in my face. This of course is to be expected when your family is mine.

But this morning after the first few hours of becoming awake, things began to hit me and my heart became thankful.

First, just being able to watch people interact with each other. Have you ever noticed that some people can just pick up and become fast friends and the whole room becomes a bustle of jolly commotion as everyone picks around each others' personalities just to find to their delight, that they all enjoy each other and accept each other for their very crazy if not brazen self?

Once, while I was growing up, I was ashamed of how my family was. No one else's family was like mine - that was BAD cause everyone else acted like we were maniacs or something.

BUT - over the past 2 years, I've not only come to terms with how my family is, I rather feel sorry for people who can't handle so much craziness and love.

How do they enjoy their boring, routinely lives? One might argue if they're really living at all.

One thing I rather delight in is how one personality can pull another personality out of hiding.

Its one of the most beautiful things for someone to just accept that they are a certain way and that GOSH! ITS OKAY TO JUST BE YOU!!!!

I think my family is good at that. We most definitely have our problems, HA! Let me be a witness of that! BUT! We're always moving. We're always learning and changing. We have (for the most part) open hearts.

So this is what triggered a thought process of how God, in essence has surrounded himself with... Himself. He Himself is the ESSENCE OF beauty and so ergo, everything He does is beautiful.

I was driving home on 271 and what encountered me as I approached the top of a particular hill was something that took my breath away - a wild dash of orange, pink blue and purple with a swirl of yellow somehow blending in every little corner that was not covered.
The sun screamed orange.

The sky was marveling. It was almost as if every single moment was a span of universe happening and if you blinked you had missed some form of divinity. I swear the sky was glowing and in love.

Ha, and then He said ever so simply, "Its for You."

Of course without missing a single beat I replied, "Well, Yeah... and everyone else you made it for ... AND me... of course!" in between gasps of awe and reminding myself I should probably breath too.

But He plainly restated, "Its for You."

And that's when it hit me:

What did it matter if it could be for anyone else too? God is a sovereign God! Its all the more immaculate that He could have made it for me and ANYONE ELSE He wanted to love on in that little place in time where human met Jesus.

And thats where I was humbled. The live painting was for me. It was between Jesus and His bride. I'm not just single. I'm plural. Its for me just as much as it is for any other part of His Bride. It doesn't mean He would love me any less, He loves ME. He loves US. Of COURSE its for me!


He is awesome.

And, there, on Remsen Rd, I began to cry tears of thankfulness.

He Loves Us.


He really does!


And THIS BLOG is NOT to cancel out my last post!

In one hand the Lord invokes true Justice to all the nations AND to all the peoples.

But, in the OTHER hand, He offers mercy and this crazy grace that says if you repent and confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, He will NOT overlook that!

And for us, as a broken people to get ON OUR FACES before a holy God, is to give Him honor and to show Him real reverence, which, by the way guys, we have NO business losing since, last I checked we're all STILL dirty rotting sinners without Him.

Anyway,

I leave you with this:


Heh. :) He loves us if we are open to Him giving us His love.

Now... If we could get the hang of loving Him back.....

Emerge Stage Right: The Shulamite

There are quite a bit of things that God has been revealing, lately. First, that its never about me and the purpose I feel I need to accomplish and fulfill. Its about Jesus and HIS purpose that I am even privileged to be apart of aiding to put into action.
Second, Jesus calls those He loves into the wilderness. Out of the comfy-cozy and into the outsiders zone. He invites us to die. And we ignore His invitations in our happy church settings. Jesus was an outsider. He loved those who hated Him. He loves those who hate Him. He loved those who hated His disciples. He loves those who hate His disciples.
His disciples are those who accept His invitation to die... again.

Heh. Jesus has been drawing me out into the extreme. He's been calling me to just be myself and stand and DO. But its not about me fulfilling my idea of His calling on my life!

Starting bound4life in medina was not exactly my idea of His calling on my life. BUT. Life is what He is. Life is what I have. Life is what I'll fight for.
But let me quote Ever After here, "But, life without Love... well, its no life at all." 1 Corinthians even says this in the 13th chapter. Love activates the Spiritual Gifts. Why? Because God is Love.

"Set me as a Seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm".

Love.

"Come back to me Oh backsliding children' declares the Lord, 'For I am married to you..." Jeremiah 3:14


You know, amidst the afflictions and the hurts, I believe that Jesus saved my family and I.

I believe that it hurts to pull away from something that has been apart of you for so long or so intimately.

But something I believe God did, at least in my own life, is that He pulled me away from the very thing that was hurting the way I looked at Jesus the most.

Mary, sister of Martha, was a chosen daughter, in love with Jesus. Rahab was a chosen daughter, humbly declaring her belief in God through actions.

Rebekah was chosen to be Isaac's wife through her servant-like heart.

I... I had been taught to be a Martha.

The moment giftings began to show, I was made to work in my brothers vineyards. I was thrown in right as I was spiritually old enough and that is all I ever knew. Yet my own garden I struggled to keep.

I am dark but lovely.

A rose of Sharon. A lily of the valleys. I could have withered away from too much sun and no watering of my own roots.


Jesus is showing me something rather valuable in my life. It is this:

He just wants to be with ME.


So my sister told me it couldn't hurt to look again, you know, being as I'm done with my "year" and all.

But it will hurt to look. I won't need to look if God makes His will obvious and in my face. Every time I look, I get burned.

"His left hand is under my head, his right arm embraces me. I charge you Oh daughters of Jerusalem, do not awaken or stir up love until it so pleases."


Jesus is my Beloved. There is none beside Him. Who else is there?

So something a friend of mine said has been sitting with me very solemnly.
"I count it a privilege to serve Jesus in this way" (this way meaning some grounds work.)

You know... it was a general update to many many people who have been waiting for from Him. But Jesus spoke to me through it. Jesus showed me the servant heart I need to pursue to be who He's waiting for. I know I've been trying, but truly, my heart struggles in getting down and dirty when I don't want to. And THAT is exactly where Jesus sees me most. When I don't want to and I'm flat out honest about it. But I DO want to want to! And so here goes the struggle of a woman's heart after God: Lord, I AM privileged to serve You in this way. This is my witness: they will know me by my Love.


"Little things done with great Love can change the world."


That is on a Vineyard church wall somewhere.

Little things.

One person at a time.

MULTITUDES.


Jesus TOUCHED multitudes, one person at a time. And this is the kicker: He was touchable. So He touched. He loved one person at a time. I am called to do this very thing. To love one person at a time.

And yet, before all of this, I am called to Love Jesus first.

This maze is not a test... its a journey. I just need to walk with Jesus through it; right by His side.


Jesus wants to spend time with me.

He LOVES me. I am His Shulamite. His harlot bride. The one who has lain with many men. I've given my heart away to the world over and over again, pursuing fleshly desires. AND I CONTINUE to DO so!!! YET! Yet; He pursues me. Draws me into the wilderness to speak words of comfort to me. And I will forget who I've become. I will remember that despite my prostitution He chose me - ME! To be His bride.

And I will sing as in the days of my youth. Before I gave myself away to the church and her ministries. Before I prioritized leading over following Jesus. BEFORE I was put on stage and BEFORE people saw my potential. Before, way back to when I was 12 and Jesus called me forward and said to me that if I really wanted to follow Him, I would need to lay down my little 12 year old pride. The kind of pride that stopped me from raising my hands. The kind of pride that chained me down from my dance. The kind of pride that rears its head, manifested in my so-called wisdom from years.

Right back to my 11 year old self... seeing Jesus as my own for the very first time. It is like THEN, that I will sing. Only much much more free.



It is in this wilderness that I cry with the most painful of tears and claim the most unspeakable joy. It is in this wilderness, Oh friends, That my love has been awakened, under an apple tree of mercy. In the arms of Grace.

Who else is there?


"My beauty is enough for you, Sarah."


And its true.


I once was a harlot. But now I am His Lover. I am His Bride. And I have been made white as snow, purified in fire - lips touched with coal.

In Christ, behold, the old has gone and the New is Come.

Chosen among virgins, I will fast and pray. And then I will put on my finest apparel - opening my garden wide - and come boldly before the throne.

There, I receive a scepter of grace.



I'm in Love.




You'll see me in pink again.

Lord, forgive us, for we knew not what they see...

What we should be to the World:





What we look like to the World:





I understand that this is very graphic and I cry with a deep sob as I look at the picture right above my writing.
It was almost too inappropriate for me to post,
and so I must tell you, my dear readers, that is exactly why I chose to.

This is what the world sees, in essence, of Christianity.
The pure perversion so pains my heart that I can barely keep my thoughts together.

One object still rings out in my head: this is how we, The Church, look to most people.

Just as disgusting as the rest of the world, except we say we have Christ.

FILTH.



For those of us who think killing children - unborn babies, is okay, their blood is on OUR hands.

For those of us who don't pray against this terror, their blood is on our heads.

For those of us who choose to wear the christian garb as we blatantly live in sin - be it gossip, lust, jealousy, complacency, lukewarmity, and outright bitterness and pride - we look as disgusting as this man and bare the irony of his image.


My heart breaks.

I will continue my plea that God would so move my heart and so shake my soul that I can do nothing but work against what we've portrayed; that I can do nothing but love on people and actively live out what I believe.

I refuse to be UnChristian.

I will pledge myself to the call of Christ: to Have no other gods besides YHWH, and to love my neighbor as I love myself, even if it means to lay down my life - while I still live.



O Church - reveal the true Bride of Christ and separate yourselves from Babylon's Whore.

True Influence...

So last night was my last night at cornerstone chapel. My heart ached, my eyes cried. But it was one last, sad look on the place of, really, my spiritual youth.

I grew up in the way I should go, there.

But, though God is at work in the place where I've spent so much of my life, He's on to a new thing with me.


I scanned the place where I led worship so many times for so many different people. I took in the carpet that held so many of my tears as I sought some floor space.
I looked at the corner where I sat and prayed for so many people.
I sat in the chairs I never actually sat in very much because I was always in the sound booth running the computer or sound...

And I watched as my pastor - the one who showed me how to lead and pastor as I do now, get on his knees and wash both the new youth pastor and the new youth directors' feet.

I watched as 3 of the strongest men in my life openly wepped, being humbled in so many different ways.

I saw Jesus.


And so, as I took all of this in, I couldn't help but wonder - what sort of legacy did I leave?

None but a few people talked to be as I spent my last Wednesday watching everything go on around me.
I'm sure many have their opinions of me and my choice to leave. I'm sure many are glad. But then there were a few people, surprising as it was, whom I never knew would hug me with tears in their eyes and thank me...

My heart is overwhelmed with a sadness, a love, and a need to continue forward.
I loved these people. I still do. In so many ways I pastored them... as did all the rest of the youth leaders.

But God gave me charge over the 6th grade girls this year, thanks to Pastor Mark, and those girls were MY girls. :)

I grew so much as I taught them as best I could what God has been showing me. I probably grew more then they did.
But one thing I know... it meant more then anything to me when they each gave me hugs as I watched them deal in their own way with the fact that I wouldn't be there again.

Some were silly and acted normal.

Then there were just a few... just a few who sadly looked at me through those beautiful little eyes of theirs and told me they'd miss me and couldn't stop hugging me.

God!

THAT is God.

I could never have loved those girls the way I did without God's love... and that Love He first loved me with.

They mean soo much to me. Heh, no matter what I was going through each week, they were a constant reminder that I needed to just look past myself and my problems for a while to see the beauty of the Lord in each little heart as I listened to THEIR problems.


Influence.

11 years old and the Lord revealed Himself to me. I was 12 years old when He encountered me with His Spirit. 13 when I started thinking about missions. I was 14 when I knew I'd follow Him into the ministry. 16 when I began to lead worship. 18 When I began to truly pursue ministry as a life job... All of which Pastor Mark has only encouraged and helped develope as time went on. Now here at 19, the Lord thinks its time to move MY influencer on. He thinks I'm ready to be without him.

I think of how much Pastor Mark influenced my life... How much his life - the way he lived it, impacted mine.

And then I think of how for just the short amount of essential time I may have influenced these blossoming young women. What will they remember so many years down the line that may have impacted them?

I pray it was Jesus they saw.
I pray that the way I lived MY life, the way I conducted myself, is something they will consider, and that in some strange way, they'd imitate my faith, just as I have been trying to imitate PM's.

I hope that this part of my life would line up with Hebrews 13:7 -

Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith.

I guess you could say that I'm blown away by all God continues to show me about how important it is to represent Jesus to the world.
But you can't just start with the world first.

You must start small. Start young. Start with what God gives you.
Its sort of like the promise of Abraham that we go by - God will multiply us. I may not see the fruits of my labor, but those girls may. Praise the Lord.

:)

What peace, to know that in His time, God makes all things beautiful?

As long as for me, that beauty is in producing fruit, It'll be worth all the heart ache.

It'll be worth every tear.

I wonder if a week can change my life...

Alive Festival - my first year.

What to think, what to say, what think some more...

It was awesome. There were so many things that went wrong the week before and it was so discouraging, but the truth is that God does what He wants, and that I really didn't have to worry about stuff if what He wants was going to happen anyway, as it so very often does (because He knows what'll happen, so it works into His amazing plan as it always does. Wasn't THAT enlightening?)

So I went to Alive Festival and slept on the hard, cold ground for 3 nights. It was one of those things where you feel like you just want to complain about it except that you ALSO know how good it is for you and how it was your choice to begin with, so you bear it all and somehow take joy in the whole situation... except for when you're tossing and turning all night long *wink*.


I have got to say: I LOVE working behind the scenes. I love working in front ON the scenes. I love just working for God. Honestly, as I worked the booths I worked, I knew that half the bands could've cared less because really, when its being taken care of, you don't have to worry about it. But that didn't matter. I worked knowing that whether those people knew it or not, I was blessing them with my time. I was blessing them with my love to their fans. I was blessing them before God. And it blessed ME to bless them.

Is that selfless? Not really. I totally understand that I got gratification out of it. Its not really why I did it though. Its just where I fit in: serving people when they'll never know I was.

GOD!

I LOVE doing that! I LOVE doing stuff that no one will ever know I did. Its weird to get gushing gratitude. I'm not even telling this to GET recognized either - its just such a JOY that its hard to hold it in!

Talking to the different people I did, God showed me some things.

First, God showed me that God loves these people. He loves every single one of them.

He loves the gorgeous little blond girl that waltzes on by, who looks like she's 24 when in all reality, she's only 14.

He loves the overweight lady with the cane who's having a hard time being on her feet all day.

He loves all the little 12 year old guys who cultivate their long-hair-over-the-eyes-and-think-hawk-nelson-is-a-sissy-band group and who jump off of the high-dives in the middle of the night to impress the girls.

He loves all the guys and girls who pack it all up, leaving their family and friends for weeks on end to tour the different festivals because they're in "the band".

He loves all the people in between.

He loves them all and He wants to love them through me.

He wants to love them through you.


This festival really hit the music in me. I forgot that I love music. I forgot that I love how it draws people - how it makes them forget themselves - how it makes them think of God and the bigger picture. I forgot that it makes my heart sing and my feet dance. I forgot that its the soundtrack to my life.
I forgot that it is worship if I chose it to be.

I think I forgot that its a ministry in itself.

And this is a totally Biblical idea, really. Music being a ministry. David would play his harp before the Lord in the fields. He'd play his harp before the king. No matter where he was, private or performance, he did it as worship unto the Lord, and he was a man after God's own heart.


So I sat back and watched.

Music as a ministry and music as an industry.

I notice that some have been lost in the industry.

I notice that some have been lost in the ministry.

But I must say: its the most lovely thing to find someone who isn't lost in either of those things but rather, that they are lost in Jesus.
Its such a struggle of pride no matter where anyone goes.
No matter what you're interested in or what you want to do with your life, there is a WHOLE SET of pride issues that you need to fight if you want to do it souly for the Lord.



Those are things to think about.

God's reeally been humbling me lately. Its kind of a mix of humiliation and just testing my faith some more. I don't usually like to give satan a lot of credit for whats going on because usually alot of it stems from my own sinful nature and the crap that God has been bringing up and out of me lately but... I've definitely felt like I'm hated by the enemy. I'm reading the Screwtape Letters for the first time, (and ha! it LOOKS like a fast read, but its really not, especially if God's reading it with you. Its a LOT to take in and think about.) and I'm just noticing all of the pitfalls I fall into on a REGULAR basis. Fantasizing being one of them. I'm prone to think about what COULD be when to be honest I'm spending THIS MOMENT living in a NOT guaranteed future. Its a dormant waste of life! Or how about distractions? I'm terribly distracted all the time. The only time I'm almost completely focused is when, well, I'm completely focused like right now. When I write, it drives me nuts when someone is right next to me or even in the same room as me. I HAVE to be by myself. But if something is deliberately being a distraction to me, it freaking annoys me. BUT if its not obvious, it slowly attracts my attention away and before I know it, I've lost all focus on my original focal point all together!

I HATE that!

Why? Because that is exactly how I turn from God. That is exactly how I lose focus on Jesus. Every day I fight to re GAIN focus on Jesus. If I don't meet Him every couple of hours, I'm a gonner and I totally forget Him all together.

I hate that about myself.

Its how Jesus humbles me. I see it and I hate it. But He loves me anyway. That blows me away, folks. It should blow you away too.

He sees the depths of my heart and He loves me the same... He is amazing God.
Its a test of my faith to fight it. But I think God is testing my mind. He says He tests the minds.

"But I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give each man according to his ways, according the results of his deeds." - Jeremiah 17:10

Hmm...


so I wrote a new song. It needs some refining, but you know? So does everything in life. Ask me some time to sing it for you.

To Live what One Sings
By Sarah F. G-------
6/10/08-6/12/08

Verse 1
I remember having high hopes for my life
I could look out and almost see myself in flight
And now I sit here on this floor
As I find the depth of life is so much more

Pre-Chorus
It's praying and it's waiting on the Lord
It’s moving and it’s seeing by His word

Verse 2
There are many who’ve answered Your call
So why do I feel so alone, left to weigh out it all
I look down through my tears
And I see my legs are broken, and that I’m facing my fears

Chorus1
And now I find myself in Your heart
Starting to see things the way You are
I now that You found me, I know
That to lose myself in You, I must let go


Verse 3
I feel like I’ve just left boot camp
I don’t feel like a loser, but sure don’t feel like a champ
I morn the loss of familiar ways
But I’m following God, and he’s not there anymore
He’s on to a brand new day


Chorus 2
And I’ll find myself where You are
As I see things the way You are
I’ll press on to all that is new
I’ll go through it all to see that I grew
I grew in You

Bridge
I’ve built a callous to all the pain
And the first time I’m way, I realize all I have to gain
My little hurts all come out of hiding
Each one met with mercy and healing – I’m healing

Pre-Chorus
I see that praying and waiting on the Lord,
Is what moves me to live by His word…

Chorus 3
And I find myself wrapped in Your arms
No counterfeit could touch Your part
As I allow You to make me whole
My life matters less and You matter more…

++++++++++++++++++

Well, I hope you guys are growing as much as I am. Its the worst, most wonderful thing in the world to be doing all the time.

But alas, it is time for my departure.

So be blessed and find Jesus as your complete joy. He never changes. That is exciting!


:)

God is exciting.

An Unquenchable Heart of Worship

So... For ISOM we have to read a book every 4 weeks and I've read a few great books that really helped me out.

But I have to say, I think I found my favorite.

Its not a self-help book like the rest of them... its a book about the heart of worship, touching up on the different postures one has before the Lord.
I was more blessed by this book then any I've read in a long time, and I think its because Matt Redman GETS IT. A heart of worship isn't because you have an ear and a talent for music! Its a heart position. Its a thing of the heart.

He first talks about the unquenchable worshipper - it talks about how this worshipper is one who will not be extinguished. He could go through hell fire and brimstone and it wouldn't matter, because His praise would continually be on his lips.

Something that this part insinuated was that... you can almost see the beauty of God MORE through the hurts, the pains and the sorrows... because the more pain you go through, if you lean on the Lord, the greater His beauty is.

"Though overwhelmed by many troubles, they are even MORE overwhelmed by the beauty of God."

This is ... so admirable. So honorable. This sort of pushing through isn't something that says, "I'm okay, really. Nothings wrong!" but rather says with humility, "I am NOT okay. But I don't care. Just because I'm not okay doesn't mean that He doesn't deserve my praise. I will worship Him ANYWAY."
wow.
this attitude is such an offering unto Jesus.

my favorite quote here is by B.W. Anderson (and if you're a musician, you'll appreciate this even more):

"The laments are really expressions of praise - praise offerings in a minor key in the confidence that Yahweh is faithful."

A second posture is that of an undone worshipper. You'd think it was talking about how God so sweetly brings you to your knees, but its not really like that.

This also hits such a core with me (as do all of them, so I may just get it out of the way right now and tell you that each one of these postures are near and close to my heart.) The undone worshipper... is humiliated in the presence of a Holy God. They are put back into their place. They thought they were something and found that those somethings were really offensive to God - pride, little attitudes that brew up inside of our hearts that we don't see until its exposed by the light of His glory. And so, we may fight it or we may not, but an undone worshipper throws up his hands and cries out in ruins, "OKAY LORD! I QUIT! Here I am! I surrender!"
Its painful, but it hurts SO GOOD. To finally give in to the Lord? There's nothing so freeing then to just let it go!
You cannot be a true worshipper unless you are brought to the end of yourself and allow yourself to be humbled in the sights of a Holy King.

As Fancois Fenelon said so wisely (can't we just soak in this wisdom?): "

All our falls are useful if they strip us of a disastrous confidence in ourselves, while they do not take away a humble and saving trust in God."

This next posture just blows me out of the water: this is something the Lord is really working in my heart about, and if you let Him, He'll work in yours as well...

Undignified worship. I like to call it "Awkward Worship" because that's what it is: awkward. God's really been pushing me into an awkward state: invictus. having an uncomfortable spirit... being uncomfortable in worship - being so awkward that I CAN'T say that I did a polished job and that the only thing I CAN say is, "well... it wasn't for the people anyway... It was for God."

God has been bringing me to this point a LOT lately... its REALLY awkward. Did I say that?! Because I've never felt this awkward since 7th grade! But that's okay - "True worship always forgets itself" and true love never counts the cost.
I'm learning that in order for me to trust the Lord the way He wants me to, I need to stop counting the cost, and allow Him to shake me and change me and make me totally uncomfortable in such a way that the only thing for me to do that IS comfortable.. is to seek His face and worship Him with a whole heart.

The unpredictable worshipper is one that shakes the church... THE Church, and thank the Lord for the ALLOWANCE of unpredictable worship. This chapter was based off of the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears. It said,

"It was the act of a woman who had not been tamed by cynical religious attitudes...it was the worship of a woman who didn't know the rules - an unpredictable untamed heart on a quest to see Jesus glorified."

WOW.


Here's the truth that makes me want to WEEP because it says truth so beautifully - Religion must never be allowed to dampen romance.

This truly goes along with undignified worship... with awkward worship. It needs to not know the "rules" sometimes. It throws people off... but it brings them to a REALITY that God wants RAW and REAL, not polished and plastic.

We need to lose the politically correct term of saying "I'm a worship leader" and start saying the truth... "I lead Worshippers".


The Unveiled Worshipper is risking a LOT and yet, that's how it should be: Allowing God to open you up completely to Him... and making you completely vulnerable to Him and to the intimacy He wants with you.
to be unveiled is to be clean and completely trusting...
and what Matt starts to talk about is when you DO COME CLEAN, you realize the need to present yourself as holy and acceptable to Him as possible. We wouldn't wear ripped jeans and a T-shirt to meet the president, would we? How much MORE should be prepare ourselves to come before the King of the Universe?!
He is HOLY. Yes! I can bring myself just the way I am, but If I've TRULY encountered God, I COULDN'T go back to being the same!! I WOULD KNOW I've encountered Him because I WOULD try my best to TURN from the things that hurt Him and present myself to Him beautiful, holy. Pure!


The Unstoppable worshipper is a BOLD worshipper. I think this intimidates people because Christians take this and forget that being an unstoppable worshipper is NOISE unless it is coupled with humility and love. This is close to the unquenchable heart except that THIS posture is turned more outwards to be an example to others. This is the evangelistical heart - not being stopped by little hindrances but being adventurous and creative, stepping out to talk to people about what the Lord has done. Notice that this doesn't have to do with music. This has to do with being a WITNESS for Christ. Witnessing is worship. What is true worship when you praise the Lord on Sunday and then stay silent at work on Monday? The unstoppable worshipper praises and serves the Lord 24/7. They never stop! THAT is what we should strive for! This is what I need to be doing a better job of.


THIS one... this one is my heart in its truest sincerity:
to be an unnoticed worshipper.
Who cares about being up on stage? Who cares about who's watching and who's not...
to offer up worship... as quietly - as privately as possible is what my heart longs to do.

And to be honest, I've been doing a terrible job. Its hard when you're up on stage to not put on a show... Gosh... its REALLY hard. You HAVE to lead them... and you forget that YOU'RE there too... you know?
A true leader of worshippers needs to be devoted in the secret place... when no one else is there. The test for those won't be about the excellence of a played song, or the cleverness of written words, but the integrity.. the godliness of the person leading.

Once again I quote Francois Fenelon who said "make yourself little in the depths of your heart."

CHEW. chew. swallow.
bring it back, chew some more. Chew again. Let it sink in. WOW.

Its in the secret place that counts. How I am convicted.


I am. Right now, I am convicted. I have neglected the Lord. Why? He's given me no reason to! Why? Because I suck, that's why.


The second to last one is... the Undivided worshipper.

This talks about not being distracted. OR being a distraction. For me, this really convicts me about the opposite sex. Am I distracting THEM from the Lord? Are they distracting me? What about work? Am I so busy that I have no time to give God?
is it what I can escape to and pretend that like that's why I couldn't love the Lord like I should?

WOW guys. WE REALLY DO SUCK.

The day I struggle with thoughts about guys is the day I've taken my focus off of God.

its true. I KNOW God doesn't want me to focus on that right now. I KNOW He hasn't revealed a guy in my life. So I KNOW it isn't Him who is giving me thoughts to confuse my focus.

I need to have an undivided heart! It doesn't mean that the things that are distracting me are in themselves a bad thing, but the FACT that they ARE distracting me means that I need to set myself some guidelines and boundaries for my MIND and focus on the Lord. We need to worship Jesus louder then the noise of distractions sometimes... and WOW is that a hard thing to do. "To obey is better then sacrifice".

You can serve serve serve the people around you, but never actually take the time to seek His face.
He calls His disciples unto Him! You may THINK your sacrifice of service is enough, but you're disobeying the call of God. You're being disobedient. We need to remember... There are OTHER servants to do that job... for now, we need to just sit at the feet of Jesus, and take some time with Him.


the last posture of worship is that of an Unsatisfied worshipper. When you begin to understand the necessity of the presence of God and the joy that is found IN it, the world just doesn't cut it anymore. Its dull and shallow and dim in comparison.

The unsatisfied worshipper GETS IT. He gets that he'll never be satisfied until he gets to the thrown-room of God where true worship will be TRULY fulfilled!

With that world-view, NOTHING looks the same anymore! This place isn't our home! This food isn't even close to the feasting on the EVERY word of God we'll be entitled to in heaven! The riches here won't even COMPARE to the Glory of the common ROADS we walk upon in heaven the same way we walk upon concrete! We can't be satisfied any other way except when the presence of GOD is manifested more and more in something. That's the only way we'll even be able to be OKAY with something anymore!


I am so... convicted by this little book.

This is where my heart should be. Is it? CHH. No.
It needs to be though.

wow.


(wanna go back and count how many times I said that expression over and over again?)


I dunno. That's all I got for tonight folks.

the most beautiful thing in the world...

...a worship service filled with a few hundred ppl, where the only musical instrument going is a guitar a strum here or there just to keep everyone on track as the leaders, the vocalists, the instrumentalists step back, arms stretching to the sky as the world seems to shake at the sound of the voices lifting in one sound unto a God whom people proclaim is unreal.


Let me tell you something... when you experience that passion, that deep call of praise as the deepest parts of 200 souls cries out to the deepest part of all infinite, YHWH, you would never be able to bring yourself to say that the God we serve isn't real, with a clean conscience.

It is THE SINGLE most beautiful thing of mass beauty to experience EVER.

The second most beautiful thing in the world is watching a person you've been pouring into GROW RAPIDLY in the Lord, as they GET IT. If there is something I LOVE about youth ministry, its when teens don't stray, they clinge to the cross.

OOOH man. What a blessed woman I am. At barely 19 years of age, I have experienced the true and most FULFILLING joy of ministry: seeing fruit, and fruit abundantly!

These things make me forget about myself. These things make me openly weep with joy, as I write this with tears filling my eyes to a point where all I can see is the blur of the pc screen.

I talked with my brothers both on different nights... and I finally was able to express my hurt over being called "Saintly Sarah" and my parents "Sucess Story". With tears I was able to share that you don't get refined like I am without a price. I know that Jesus paid the ultimate price, but I've also paid a price to be like Jesus. I've been through much pain. I've been through much anger. I've loved wholey, and I've been rejected entirely. Little things that made me a more beautiful person were expressed to my brothers as I was able to share encouragement on what they're going through because (though not situationally) I went through the same spiritual struggle they are (and may I add, continue to, each to a different degree and level.)

I think I gained respect and understanding from them, which weirdly enough is important to me. They are both younger then me, 16 and 14, and yet their understanding of who I am and why means much more then I thought it ever would. I love my family. I love them with all my heart. I hate many things about our dynamics, but its those very things that remind me how real they are... and how much they're grown in Jesus.

Words will never express how thankful I am for them. I'll miss them... very very much.

God knew I'd need my family.

I once told Him I hated them. I hated being apart. I hated being the oldest. I hated everything about them.

7 years later... (what a beautiful number) ... I'm saying the most oposite, most wonderful and real thing:

I love them. I think I need to tell God that more often. I love being apart, though I know its time for me to follow God out into His will for my life. I LOVE being the oldest, though it hurts to know that the younger my siblings go, the less involved I'll be with them, and that hurts like.... I don't know. I regret the inevitable. I love most everything about them. Their loudness, their REALness. They're "THEMness". I don't think I express my thankfulness enough for them. I need to tell God that more often.

I will.



until then, my heart is longing for a beautiful old place where I hope the Lord sends me... ywam is looking like a lovely orginization! I'm praying for a true releasing to go there.

I hope I'm released. Maybe I'm just waiting for the nudge.

Dear Lord, NUDGE ME!

Whimsical - argh, she's daydreaming again.

I think I must start most of my blogs with the word "okay". Today, I did not. But this is merely because I caught myself!

I've been thinking something very thoughtful today.

What are the exact reasons God allows certain people to be apart of your life for what seems longer then the average "seasonal" moment?

Why are there certain people who are still in our lives when it just seems like they're fading out... but they just don't?

AND another thought:

Why do we care that they are?


I've thought about this before, but its slightly frustrating being as every time I do, its almost too much for me to comprehend.

Suffice to say that the Lord gives and takes things away. Why He keeps things around longer then we think He will, I cannot explain. Thats partly why I can't explain it, actually. I've tried to make sense, but really, the only way to make sense of things like this is to figure out the good reasons God may allow people to stick around... that, or allow YOU to stick around in someone's life.

I have to be honest. I'm feeling a bit caged in right now. I think I may go insane. I'm strangely colliding with an interesting idea that keeps being brought to my attention:

Just packing up and going.
Live on the faith of God.

Hmmmm.

Now thats a thought.

Problem? I'm a girl. I have no money, and who the heck would go with me?


Unless...... Unless I started saving money for the soul purpose of going somewhere.

now once again, THATS a thought.


So I started talking to this guy in Europe who did exactly that. He's living in London right now. The best part? He's getting his hands dirty in the ministries that are around. Sad part? He's only met 1 Christian so far as he's been out there. WHAT?! Is the opportunity that great? Is it screaming for crazy people like me to take it up and go?

It sounds so dumb! So So stupid to just leave. And I really just can't. HOWEVER.
What if I planned for it?
What if I got myself a companion or two. Someone to go with me? I can't just go alone!


Thats whats running through my head right now.

I could easily get connections to stay in places near Israel.
I could easily look up ministries and hostels that I could stay in.

I could SO easily share Jesus with anyone and everyone because HECK! Thats not even the CRAZY part of me being out there!

I just need to pray a lot.
I'm flying as high as I can here in ohio.

Its like me saying I'm flying as I as I can, for being in a cage.

Please don't get me wrong. My heart is not to complain! I just... need to do something so radical that I scare myself. I'm stuck in a very very sticky comfort zone. its so comfortable that I'm starting to feel UNcomfortable.

Is it possible? Could I maybe go at 20? maybe I spend the next year of my life finishing up this program and then head to Europe?

Wow.

I think I'm serious!

I know that it seems whimsical and on the whim, but I need to do something for the Lord. Something that may not be approved of.

I need to trust in the Lord in a whole new way.

I have this strange strange ... feeling about all of this though.
Could I do it?
Could I pull it off?

Could I do something that is so crazy that it truly scares me?

Could I prepare myself to do what Apostle Paul did?

Oh my dear Lord, I'm going to be praying about this...
AND


I'll be saving every penny from here on out, yo.

praying and saving. praying and saving.

Sarah needs a little time to pray.

she's starting to feel the same way that she felt when she has her head dead set on doing something.

I won't let myself get that far just yet, but lets just say that in this upcoming 5 months, I'm going to pray very hard and very considerably about the possibility of going on a trip of a lifetime.

This I will promise. I need a change.

I'm willing to take the risk that I might.


those of you who feel burdened, if any of you do at all - pray for me, will you? I'm really giving this stuff some thought.

The Warrior is a Child

I almost feel safe to write here since it seems like this blog is forgotten now. Good. I can write for myself.

My heart hurts. Kind of like how after an earth quake, the earth will have that one last rumble.. almost like a reverb of the real thing.

That's what I'm going through. I've been through the initial pain, but its like I'm getting that feedback - that reverb. I feel... sick.

Not sick sick. Sick. I feel so used. I feel so discarded - like no one could really love me... its all just fake. And really, that no guy out there that could love me the way I need to be loved, would be able to stay true... to give me his word, to commit to my heart. I feel so... beside myself.

Do not take this wrong:

Jesus is my ALL. ALL my hope is in Him. ALL my love is in Him. ALL my strength is in Him. He IS my joy. Oh is He ever my very present Joy!

But I regret my life this last year. I regret it because it was so wonderful. I regret it because I bought into it as though it were real, as though it were true. I regret thinking that I couldn't get any happier. I regret that I believed that I WAS happy. I regret trusting so much.

And, I regret that I set myself up for heartbreak. REAL heart break. Painful heart break. I'm STILL dealing with it. I STILL wake up early in the morning and cry myself back to sleep. WHY!?!

I regret that I'm not over my hurt yet. I regret that it still effects me.

Truthfully, I regret investing so much that it DID effect me.

And its no longer about the person who hurt me. All is forgiven. But now I have this backlash of emotional pain that I've never experienced before.

One thing I don't regret: I truly understand what it is to guard one's heart. I've always had a hard time understand how one does it. ALWAYS.

But today, at a young 18 years, I have found the secret to guarding one's heart.

Its by not investing in relationships with guys the same way one invests relationships with girls (and vice versa with guys). Its about keeping ALL young men at an arms length. Its about not letting them into the depths where poems are formed, where songs are written, where true prayers are conceived.

Its not because I don't like guys. ON the contrary! I feel WAAY more comfortable with guys then with girls.

But that's where its a problem.

Pointers Sarah has learned from eXPERIENCE, the HARD WAY:

*DO NOT get involved with a guy who is recently hurting over another girl. You'll set yourself up for being used.

*DO NOT let a person push your personal boundaries made by your own convictions! You'll regret it.

*DO NOT get involved right away, whether you've known each other a long time or for a little: give things time.

*DO NOT intentionally see each other every day. Its speeds up the process emotionally, but not spiritually. God's timing doesn't follow ours. Wait a year.

*DO NOT! date or court someone who has a RECENT history of getting into Noncommittal relationships and has a tendency to flirt with everyone. Don't be fooled. ANYONE can be nice and really friendly. But not everyone has self control. LOOK for one who does.

*DON'T allow someone to tell you they love you until they've proven it with patience and follows the exclamation with a proposal to be his wife forever.

*DON'T DON'T DON'T talk about marriage until you're ABLE to marry... OR until you've been proposed to.

*DON'T find it acceptable that a guy thinks your different from the rest of your family.

*DON'T think its going to work with a guy if you can't even communicate openly.

*DON'T even get serious with someone who your family either doesn't like and or, HE doesn't like your family.

*IF he doesn't fit in with your family, its not gunna work.

*...THE end.



Yeah, so that helped me vent a little.

I'm not mad. I'm not.. anything really. Maybe upset. Sometimes I wish I could just get out of here and find guys who aren't amazed that I'm Sarah, and aren't jerks and treat me like dirt. I just want real people. People I can connect to, you know?

I know people who love me, but I can bearly count the people who truly understand me. I can DEFINITELY tell you of the countless of people who said they understood me, who said they loved me, who said they cared, and are no longer a part of my life.

Interesting isn't it?


Hm. I'm in a confusing state. I'm not confused, I'm living in weird new world where I don't know what my next step will be. I'm not angry or unforgiving, I'm upset. I'm mixed up. I'm disoriented. I'm... hurt.

I'm not extraordinarily strong willed, I'm a child in a suit of armor.

THIS, my friends, is my song.


<

Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child