Laying Down Deep Roots

I started a new journal this week and as I asked the Lord what I should title it, something began to grow inside of me.  "Deep Roots, Sarah."   It took me a while to gather what He meant.  Deep roots?  My titles usually have to do with music, journey and vision.
But Deep Roots?
And as I prayed about it, a segment of my story began to write itself out to me on pieces of sticky-note.
Here's the next part of my story.  :)

" Death is a cocoon,"  she thought.
With this Shepherd at her side, she knew that it couldn't be the end, even if He DID call her to die.  This journey had been so exhilarating when she first started - and in a way, it still was!  But she felt hidden.
Hidden away from all the excitement of fulfilled dreams which others seemed to be experiencing in their journeys with the Lord.
"Don't look at the others, My little Seedling."  The Shepherd smiled, knowingly.  "Just put your roots down deep - as far as they can go."  He paused.  "Do you trust Me?"
THE question.  She stopped.
"Trust that love..." she thought.  Those words flew like a banner over her heart.
"I do! ...  I will! .... oh!  I want to, " she replied, longingly.  So it was decided, then.
Submit she did, pushing deep and deeper still.  She didn't quite see the whole picture, but what she DID know was that the more she laid down, the deeper her roots would go.

My Thoughts on "the One" Theory.

I'm not going to lie, this whole conversation really made me think about what I really believed and God took the opportunity to correct my heart a little.

I've always believed that God has that "One special person" for everyone.
Sept... not everyone CARES to have a "One special someone" out there so much as just whomever they choose would  BE that person.

I mean, I absolutely DO!  Its been on my heart for a decade now to pray for my future husband - that one special person who's just going to get me and know me and understand me.

But God gave me a reality check - just because I've done that, doesn't mean everyone ELSE has.
AND?  Its okay.


God kinda gave me a picture - not a completely accurate one, but a picture none the less of the way this might work.

Esther.  The story about a courageous woman who somehow was chosen above hundreds of other beautiful women to be queen.

Here's the pitch:  hundreds of girls go through a YEAR of beautification and then get to choose what they're going to wear and what they're going to bring with them for their "one night with the king."
AWESOME!  Right?

Esther says to the guy in charge, "I don't want to choose.   You know the king better.  YOU give me what you think is best."


I'm not saying I'm Esther.

What I'm saying is - not everyone thinks to ask God for the best in their love life AND - not everyone is supposed to.

But Esther asked for the best.  And she got it.

Its okay if a small handful of people choose to ask God what HE thinks is best.  It may be that their's is a story that will impact hundreds of people like Esther's.

Will MY story impact hundreds of people?  You know?  If it brings people to a fuller knowledge of Christ, then YES,  I WANT it to.  But if it just impacts the people I directly communicate with on a day to day basis, then thats okay too.  The idea is to inspire others to seek out God's best for them.  It may not be in finding a mate, but it COULD mean that they need to ask God for the best in the job realm or in the career path, or in the financial arena, etc.

So do I believe in "The One" Theory?  Yes.  Do I believe its for everyone?  No.

Do I care if my future husband believes that he can just pick anyone and thats good enough for him?

...um.... yes.

I don't want to be a number.

"Oops, this girl didn't work so lets try this one.  OH!  NOT that one, never mind.  maybe this one...." until he comes around to little 'ol Sarah who finally  says yes to him.

I'm sorry but thats not okay with me.  I'd like to think that AT LEAST if the guy I'm supposed to marry isn't thinking about his future wife and praying for her, that he'd be too worried about what God's doing in his life to play the dating game without true intentions of finding the person who could match him in his walk with the Lord.

Those are my own feelings about it, honestly.  I'm not saying its completely right, but if I was trying to please everyone with my opinions, I would've stopped writing in this blog a long time ago.
:)

Those are my thoughts.

-Sarah

Oh Lovely Spring

On my way home from work this morning at a bright and early 7:30, I found myself driving into the early morning sun.
Still chilly enough to see my breath, there's just something about a spring morning and watching the sun rise.

I drive by nearly 20 ponds before I actually pull into my driveway and what I encountered on my way was nothing less than spectacular!

Cold sunbeams shooting through the budding trees, glowing frost coating overgrown, green grass, and a draping mist hovering in mid air over every pond I passed made my drive back like I had entered into a dewy silhouette of a dream.

Spring is not my favorite time of the year, but God is challenging me to take a look again, and allow each season to be my favorite season as they come.  I have a hard time with this, as this idea parallels the spiritual seasons of my life.
I like my FAVORITE seasons, and THATS IT.  But in this new idea, my heart is awakening as though I had been asleep, and I'm beginning to recognize the beauty of the now.

I feel like the season I'm in is the rainy part of spring.  It just keeps raining and raining and raining.  And just like Cleveland, right when you think the sun is going to STAY out, it rains again.  And I always think , "we should know this by now... its still spring, its still going to keep raining.  Its useless hoping for anything other than what this season brings."
Coincidentally, that is the response of my own heart towards the place that I'm in right now.
But this morning God showed me something new.
Rain gives birth to life.
The beauty of Spring is that after the rain comes, a miraculous thing happens - what was still and dormant has suddenly blossomed into vibrant life.
The romance and the mystery that the sun illuminated in my tiny corner of the world this morning spoke volumes to my heart today as the Sonshine in my own life begins to reveal what, (in His time) overnight, would create a lovely view for everyone else to see as He warms up the places that must be frozen for a time.

What a truly blissful thought.  :)

- Sarah

...Calculated Chaos in the Midst of ... Peace?

My life has taken a few undetected turns since I last wrote...
But strangely enough, I'm not too alarmed.  There's so much going on with my family ... dare I share that I believe God may be restoring us?

My brother and my sister (my sister being gone and not around for a year and a half, my brother being gone for about 5ish/6ish months) are finding themselves back at home more and more often, and our family is receiving them with loving arms.  Last Friday, along a brave young man's request to pursue me, my family... my Family was all together for the first time in a year and a half.  My grandparents included... EVERYONE around the table.  ... Something happened in my heart that night.  It felt like home for the first time in a LONG time.

An Undefeated Heart

It has definitely been a while since I have expressed my thoughts in this little blog. I'm so glad I have it for the very reason that I may be able to when I am ready. It has been quite the journey so far, this summer, as the Lord is bringing me nearer to His heart.


I know I struggle with holding myself to a standard of perfection, and NO ONE is more disappointed in myself then me when I don't meet it.

Somewhere along the way I started to believe that whenever something bad happened to me, it HAD to have been my fault somehow. I did something. It was a glitch somewhere that I didn't catch. So, I mull over everything I could have done better or differently until I find a fault. I then tweak it and believe that NEXT time, (because of my "fixing the problem") I shouldn't have anymore issues.

But c'mon. I'm human. I mess things up. I don't usually factor that in to my flawed mindset, however, and the vicious cycle continues.

This season has been a time of breaking the cycle.

Warrior Dancer is Presented with Destiny.

I have got to say, (and I know that this may even sound slightly dramatic, but stick with me) turning twenty-one was a huge milestone for me in the spirit.

Hah. Like the way I start my entry off? With a big, resounding, weighty statement.

Its true.

I have this journal. It was given to me the Christmas before I turned 18. I had seen it previously at a book store and thought to myself the moment I saw it, "THAT is the ONE."
THEN... I looked at the price and my following thought was, "That is NOT the one."

I remember my shoulders slouching. It was def. disappointing.

Then, I received a special gift from a friend I didn't expect a gift from: It was the exact journal, color and all. She had said she felt led to give it to me by the Lord.

When I saw it I thought to myself, "This journal will get me from my 18th year to my 21st year. I just KNOW it."

And I knew that, starting that lovely, genuine-leather-bound book, I was starting a special phase in my life. I titled my 7th journal, "My Story" and I knew it would be just that: a story.

And it was. I am so surprised what that journal reveals about my growth in the Lord. Its a very precious thing.

But... come my birthday, I was 2 pages away from being done. And I want to share with any of my fellow believers and also my readers what the Lord very specifically did to make my birthday a milestone in the spirit.

My birthday was quite uneventful. I didn't even get carded when I ordered a glass of wine with my lovely dinner with my parents!!!!

But, in the afternoon, I decided I was going to splurge my time and sit down and watch the movie rendition of Lord of the Ring's Return of the King.

About half way through the movie, Aragorn, heir to the throne of Gondor, is presented with the King's sword - the sword that defeated evil once, and would defeat evil again. The sword has a distinct symbolism of Aragorn's destiny. Elron, lord of the elves who had been at the first battle when the sword had been shattered, had welded it back together and came to Aragorn with it.

The scene is that Elron approaches Aragorn and holds out the sword with both hands. He tells him, "the time has come".

Aragorn hesitates for only a moment before he reaches for the sword and pulls it swiftly out of its sheath and its in that second Aragorn chooses to step into his destiny as King. And he COULD choose NOT to... but really, he's at a point of no return. The way to move is forward. Its inevitable that He would move into that role, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

See, because there's no turning back. He might have turned back when he met the hobbits for the first time and knew that they were being followed by Evil. He might of chosen to leave when he got them to the Elves in Rivendale. But he didn't. THAT is when He could have chosen a different way. But the presentation on the sword only came when it was clear He was too far in - and he was sold to seeing this through.

So. Thursday, the day after my birthday, I'm at the house of prayer and I'm being stirred to intercede for Cleveland. Thinking about Psalm 93 - Holiness adorns Your temple, Oh Lord, forever.
I was stirred deeply and thus made a painting of a tsunami wave of the Spirit and of Life and of Fire about to crash down on 4 main "temples". Individual hearts, Households, The Churches and the City. The second set began at 10, and within about 20 minutes of the set beginning, Carol (one of our night watch prayer-warriors) comes to me, gives me her usual, joyful hug and as I pull away, she says, "I HAVE something for you... for Your birthday!" with a twinkle in her eye.

She then pulls out a pair of worship flags and presents them to me with both hands. Now... this is not the first time I have received a worship flag. I'm a firm believer that God equips the one's He calls. The first time I was given a flag, it was by someone I had never met before and the Lord very specifically told her to give me a specific worship flag - an "angels wing" of sheen purple. Prophetic colors are important - and this color means, "Royalty". My name, Sarah, means princess. Flags are for designating tribes, etc etc. If you lose your place, look for the flag, and go back to your place. A flag bearer, then, is one who holds up their identity high, and mightily, especially in times of war.

The flags Carol gave me are a sheer and glimmering white, and the one is bordered on either side in blue - with a Star of David on the front. When Carol unrolled it for me to see the star, the Spirit nudged me and I thought, "This means war."

And it was then that I knew - I'm a warrior in the spirit, and when I dance, I break down barriers, shatter strongholds and dance upon injustice - my dance is a prophetic gift just as my "painting pictures" is, or singing over people etc etc.

And The Lord gave me a picture of 2 armies going out to meet one another in a massive field. The adversary was already in place. The other side was the army of the Lord. People and angels of fall sizes and ranks. They were marching forward to take their place. But about 100 paces forward, there was a dancer. She was in a white dress with a flowing skirt, and she had a sash of red and blue - red symbolizing Salvation, and therefore, grace. And Blue symbolizing the Spirit like water - being baptized thereof. And she had 2 multi-colored streamers that were like smooth rainbows. And she was whirling and leaping and twirling about and her sash of blue and red would sometimes look purple - which symbolizes her identity and her rank. She is clearly a child of God. And her dance was very clearly a war dance. And Joy surrounded it in such a way that you knew who's army she was apart of and you also knew which army would win. It was a victory dance. And it was intense and strong and very very mighty.

She was the only dancer in that part. But the message is that she is not the only one in the body of Christ. But for this vision, she was set apart to designate her specific role. She was alone. She was closer to the enemy. She was on the very forefront. She saw it clearer then the army did. And? She was not afraid. In fact - the enemy could not, by spiritual law, shoot at her. She was under protection. The enemy could not touch her. It had no leeway to do so. She seemed to dance in the confidence of that protection. Her protection was peace. She was not worried or afraid. She was light and free.

THAT calling - that destiny - that place ... in the spirit, Is mine.

And I'm blown away at the privilege I have to be given a position of a flag bearer and a dancer.

Does that really change how I look in the physical? Nah. :) I'm doin the same stuff I know I'm supposed to. But I'm entirely overjoyed at the clear direction and placing I have in the army of the Lord for this season and time of my life. I don't quite know what it'll look like, but I think that's why I have a new journal - so I can record it all as I figure it out and go along. :)


Anyway. that's about it. I know this was a particularly long blog, but nevertheless, a thorough one at that.

Blessings - Sarah

Going Up In Rank

In the last month or so, the Lord has been doing some deep, deep things and I'm not even sure how to explain it.

He's building a contentedness to wait on Him. He's building steadfastness amidst emotions and stress. He's building His character in me. And I'm beginning to notice that my hope is no longer in things that will disappoint me, but it is in Him.

This weekend, some things hit me and I know I THOUGHT I should have been more effected by them but... What a freedom that God is what I put my hope in, and I trust Him in all His sovereignty! Its so awesome to realize that I'm not the way even I expected I would be because God has been working underneath the scenes in my life.

I have no clue how to explain it, but the hours of sitting before the Lord in prayer or just... BEING with Him, are transforming my entire person. I have never known the kind of growth I'm experiencing right now. I want silence and not distraction. I can't help worshiping Him the more I know of Him. I can't help desiring to serve. It is out of the overflow of my love with the Lord that I desire to do everything I am called to in ministering the His people and the people that aren't His yet.

There have been some truly defining moments that I would like to write out here.

The fact that I've been so financially stressed has been what I would call a "kick-start" into what God has in mind to work in me.

I guess I tend to depend on myself to be ahead of the game when it comes to my finances. So when things happen that are out of my control, I immediately have to go into a mode I need to be more practiced in: trusting God's sovereign way of provision.

It was a movement forward motivated by situations that would most simply just bring me to the end of my own abilities and strengths. Patience. I'm finding the end of my own portion. hehe.

Last Sunday (not yesterday) I had a time in the prayer room where the Lord reaaaaaalllllly did some surgery on my heart.

As my friend put it yesterday, "God knew that it would be too painful for me to reach His hand so deep and remove such a deep rooted lie in my heart. So He put me to sleep." And that's the truth. I sat for 2 hours pouring out my heart to God.... and then, when no words could say anything more, the Lord put me to sleep, where I was still partially aware of the music, but resting. I woke up with a jolt, and I knew I was better.

Then, this last week, God ranked me quite a bit in His army. Wednesday, I had people praying for me while we fasted, and God did a major "enlightening the eyes of my heart" moment. It has to do with Jeremiah 1:9-10.

Then the LORD stretched out His hand and touched my mouth, and the LORD said to me, "Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have appointed you this day over the nations and over the kingdoms, To pluck up and to break down, To destroy and to overthrow, To build and to plant."

I was reading a book called "Shaping History through fasting and prayer" and it put something in such a way that a little "DING" happened.

When God speaks, things happen. His Word IS happened. But many a time, the Lord, instead of just speaking, He desires His people to come into partnership with Him. So - He puts His words in their mouths and when THEY speak, things happen. But I'm just overcome by the crazy thing that has to do with Christ having all things under His feet by the power that raised Him from the dead and also by His mercy and loving kindness, WE are seated with Christ in glory and therefore, all His authority has been given to us, as we have taken His name. When we bless, it is blessed in heaven and on earth. When we curse, it is cursed in heaven and on earth. MAN. Our words are powerful. And when we tap into the heart of God to JOIN Him and SPEAK His intercessions?! WE MOVE THINGS. And so, THIS verse for Jeremiah the prophet was commissioned to me.

I'm not just a soldier in God's army. I've been ranked in a certain field that is my very specialty - and its speaking the Word that has been put in my mouth to move mountains in the heavenly realms. Overspiritualized? No. Its Supernaturally natural. This IS the normal life of a true believer.... and? I LOVE it.

God is just doing such a good work in my heart. Its just Him and me. There's no one else in the equation. No thing else to worry about.

Its just Him and me, and He is romancing my heart with His love for me. I'm learning how to be free in loving Him back. Its... been the best Valentine's day ALL MONTH. And isn't that how God is? Why wait for Valentine's day when you can have it EVERY day? And? Everyday is not the same. Its always a new adventure. I'm so glad. I'm just... sooo glad. :)

Two songs that really impacted me.

First one is "Here in the Waiting Room" by Misty Edwards. Its the song that played that very defining Sunday a week or so ago.

Here in the Waiting Room
Here in the waiting room
Of unanswered prayer

I feel like sometimes I will explode here
But I can't leave this place of waiting
I can't leave this place of expecting
You've pinned me down
You hedged me in

God I confess that I feel trapped
There is no way out
But God You know that I would never run to You
Until I had to

God I'm so frustrated, a little bit confused and so angry
For I know that You can answer but You don't answer me

Prayer it sounds so romantic
Prayer, it feels miserable
God I hate it, God I admit it

I know You are good, I know You are
But God it seems like You are playing games with me
God, why?
Why all the waiting a thousands times
Now I'm stuck waiting
God, I trust You
But God, I don't get You

Here in the waiting room
of unanswered prayer
Time seems to haunt me
as the hours turn to days
and days turn to weeks
and week to months
and months to years

Here in the waiting room
of unanswered prayer
But God, You know me
I would never sit still
Until I had to

Your ways are so wonderful
But God I'm so miserable

Cause You make all things beautiful just in time
It's just a matter of time, time, time
So into Your hands I throw it -everything-

Here in the waiting room
I'm here in the waiting room
Of unanswered prayer
I will wait on the Lord
Cause I have no option



And Empty Me sung by Jeremy Camp

Empty Me

Holy Fire, come burn away
my desire for anything
that is not of You
and is of me
I want more of You
and less of Me

Empty me, empty me
Fill, wont You fill me
with You with You

Sigh.

I do some risky praying...

"whatever it takes, Lord."
"Empty Me."
"Change me."
"Keep me humble, before You."
"Come quickly, Lord. I don't wanna be here anymore."


yes. This is my life. My novice life of prayer. :)

She, with unveiled face...

Yes, It has been a while since I've written my thoughts out for the world ... the small of the world that I reach, that is. Be as it may, the Lord is moving in me like I've never experienced before.

I will say I'm GROWING.

I'm frustrated with the amount of flaw I see in myself because I'm trying so hard, and THEN I'm OFFENDED in my little heart when others SAY they see my flaws too.
hah! What can you do? I can't win for losing, it seems. like I said. I'm still growing.

Dreams.

Desires.

Longings of the Heart.

These are things I'm being faced with in my walk with the Lord as of late, and whats funny is that YES! I am being FACED with them.

I am finding myself in a place where the Lord has brought out all of my most precious desires, dreams, longings. The things that are dearest to my soul - he's brought them out from behind lock and key and is holding them out for me to see. But for me, be what it may seem to everyone around me, to look at these things cause a great deal of pain in my life. For a few weeks I stood before the Lord and pointed my little finger in the air and denied them as ever having been my own.

But that doesn't deter the Father. His hand still held them before me.
Of course, there is no way that I would be able to deny Him for long, since He KNOWS me. AND - I know me. This whole denial thing is pointless, really. So we move on in the process. I admit that yes, those ARE indeed my desires. But the acknowledgment of those desires does something for me that I wasn't necessarily expecting: They become real and quite tangible to me. Those aren't JUST the deepest desires of my heart.... THEY ARE the deepest things of my heart - and I want it all desperately.

Which sucks. Because I've been pretty good at being strong about this for quite some time.

So this weekend, it hits its climax with the reality that - um - there's not a single notion of certain things that I desire, at all in front of me. And it was here in this place I found that my most precious sacrifice of love at this time in my life was to lay down all that I've ever longed for - before the Lord in humble submission.

Isn't that what being a follower is all about? Whatever the cost?

I could sit here and write about counting the cost of love to the Lord.
But that would be folly in the light of the price He has paid without batting an eyelash.
Its not about the cost anyway. Its about how great the Love.

I'm ... absolutely in love with the Lord. Hah! - I sit here thinking about what I DON'T have... but the truth is, I have it ALL, when I'm with Him. I'm not lacking a thing. And I'm glad to say that in all of my immaturity and in all the times I don't live up to my claim, Its His grace that allows me to be bold in my confidence and live with an unveiled radiance of freedom and glory.

His grace is the covering over all of my nakedness - all of my ugliest parts, still being worked out of me. Hah, and how Jesus loves us more than Noah's sons loved him and covered him!

I'm beginning to touch the surface of what real love might be. And what real love begins to look like towards others, when I've been loved sufficiently - His grace, being enough to perfect me in Him.

I've been writing a lot lately in my personal journals and a song kind of slipped out from somewhere inside. First time in probably 2 years, actually.
I'd love to share it with you - and also - KNOW that it is subject to be added to in the future. But for now, Here I GO.

Here I Go Again (revised)
by Sarah Faithy (as always) 11-2-09

Here I go again
and I'll direct my prayers by the point of my pen
and I don't even know who you are
But for you, dear One, my heart is set apart

I'm a garden enclosed
safe within the cleft of the rocks
I'm a mystery
I'll captivate you with one glance


This will be something beautiful
Oh the Love of God is powerful (wonderful)
Underneath the shadow in the secret place
that's where you'll find me - I will be waiting.

As I fall for the Lord
I find I'm beginning to love you more
and I don't even know your name
but I don't need convinced that you're worth the wait

My beloved and my friend
you are distinguished among ten thousand
make haste, my betrothed
be like a deer and leap over the mountains, into your garden

:)

Journey of a Sojourner ... a very very new year.

This picture reminds me of Jeremiah 17. Hm...


So updates are crucial sometimes, if only for the sanity of the writer.

My life has begun in on a journey I believe will be a life time.

So let me give an illustration.

Your Sr. year of high school is like this big glass-window wall. You can see everything ahead of you but you have to go through this door which, engraved above it says, "Graduation". Right? High above this door, across the top of this wall is engraved, "Adulthood".

During graduation, the chaos and the hype is so insane that you don't even take a few moments to say goodbye to this place of childhood as your eagerness to graduate pushes you right on through the door. It closes behind you. All of a sudden, the life you've always known is gone. You can never go back. Engraved in the other side of this wall, above the closed door is , "Your Childhood". What a sad thing to feel when you have time to think about it.

But then! Then you turn ahead. You want to look for the endless opportunities you saw from the other side of the wall. Almost instantaneously however, the BUTT-LOAD of crap FROM my childhood - emotional issues, hurts, unforgivenesses, angers, etc etc, get dropped RIGHT IN FRONT of me as a mountain of things I just need to get over. Hello, adulthood. Not so bright after all, is it? A sense of hopelessness crowds my heart at this point. That's right, it doesn't go away.

I DON'T see where I'm supposed to be going AFTER all.

Fast forward 2 years. Here I am. The Lord has brought me up out over the wilderness of that place and for the first time in a very long time, there is a hope that I can physically see in my life and it is on a whooole new plain in my heart. I have known a refining process I wonder how many people have ever gone through - not to ever elevate myself but rather, to praise the Lord for His faithfulness for bringing me up out of a place that only He can elevate someone from!

Here I am.

I felt stuck in my job, stuck in my community, stuck with no avenue in which to grow in my passions just darn right - STUCK.

But the Lord knew this place was good for me. For it was in this place of being "stuck" that the Lord planned to show me my FIRST ministry was Him.

And as I became content in this new revelation, things began to happen. I was OFFERED a new job out of the blue. One that would NOT ONLY provide a true sabbath day for me (which I had been praying for, for about 9 months or so) but would ALSO provide evenings that I would begin to need - first, for rest, and second, for what would be to come.

AND - I was getting paid the same amount for these great bank hours, as I was working about 50ish hours a week between 2 part time jobs.

Praise God for His faithfulness in my finances!!

Then things began to happen: A small group was going on, Thursday nights. I had been PRAYING for a small group to join in on at my church, and this was it! ThEN, openings began to be available to become involved on the worship teams. And a friend approached me to join a team of worship leaders for children's ministry to lead once or twice within a few months time. (and one of my greatest joys was leading children into the throne room of God.)

ThEN!! An opening for youth ministry happened, but I actually didn't know it was available because, (How awesome is God's timing?) when I finally felt a releasing to express my interest with being involved with the youth, I was actually told that there was a new NEED for exactly what I had to offer. AWESOME.

And then, in the process of helping get my sibs involved with the youth ministry, I was directed to the Cleveland House of Prayer.


Ahhhhh..

Since I've been at the HOP, friendships have broken out, and I'm being surrounded by people who in one way or another, hold me accountable to the Word and encourage me to continue pressing in, on a regular basis. The biggest thing I'm being taught is: Meditation on the word of God. I've NEVER been so opened up to the heart of the Lord as I have been just making time, whether 10 minutes or an hour and a half, just THINKING about ONE scripture and turning it over and over in my head. I love it and my love for His word grows by the day. As an intern at a church before, I used to be intimidated by the scripture because I wanted to read it all but didn't even really know where to start and when I DID start, I felt discouraged that I wouldn't be able to learn all thee is to learn. Well that and, ALSO because I have a hard time memorizing. BUT when I meditate on it, memorization isn't at all difficult! hah! Amen!


But I ALSO love my Vineyard community as well! And what a blessing it is then, when my friends begin to show at the HOP and like it themselves, then! I'm so excited about what God is doing there.

I know He wants me to go between the 2 and learn significant things in both places.


One of the biggest BIGGEST things that the Spirit has been opening me up to right now, is missions. Being a missionary. A local missionary. All of my life. There is nothing I want more, actually. Where ever it is that the Lord wants me to go, I want to be a missionary. And God has been teaching me that I AM or that I SHOULD be right where I am!

But NOW I KNOW people who ARE doing that, and its their life JOB.

You know what I see?

Very regular, normal people, living life on the most extravagant, extraordinary level.

They have hearts to be a VOICE crying out for the City of Cleveland, on their knees or in reaching out, and they are not famous. But they make the Lord Jesus Christ the most famous One of all.

I'm blown away by this lifestyle as it is what I'd always expected for my own life, but never got to see it actually DONE. What a cool thing, guys.

My reason for the glass wall story is that, I AM on a journey.

I used to explain that sometimes I feel its not the greatest idea to date someone late high schools years and early right out of high school because, you tend to go down the road that that person is being called to, not necesarely your OWN. At least, the Lord showed me this about my own relationship at the time.

His wisdom was, "wait until you're ON the road I have for you to be on, and I will bring others along to walk beside you."


That road - that pathway that I had been waiting for God to direct me to - this is it. I'm on it. I am begining to see where I'm going, AND I'm begining to see what God is doing to take me there.


Its a very cool experience.


:)

A New Sort of Thought on a Subject, Old, Used and Pretttty Rejected by Me for a While.

Hah! So I was going through some of my old journals today and I found a poem I had written SORT of about my future husband, but more towards where I was about it and it made me smile and then I smiled some more, as though I had some sort of inside joke with myself, being a lot older now, knowing that God has done something crazy in my life when it comes to real romance of the heart.

But I thought I'd share it with all my readers. :) In past entries when I was younger in this blog, I wrote non-stop about such things - romance, etc etc and sooo many people said I was obsessed. Hehe. I was. I'm still smiling though.


Here goes:

"Amidst the Broken Sea, My Dream Lives On" (-sooo dramatic. haha.)

By: Sarah G.
8-30-05
"Thinking, thinking, thinking
So I wonder who you are
the questions running though my heart
are numbered by and far.
Shall I begin an escepade
to tell you what I ask?
When God is nigh and I the deep
come out from past my mask;
confessing much, I'll say,
I try to day the dream away
yet amidst those dark night hours
resurecting as I may.
though curious in state
towards who you are, you see
I'm near convinced, as I scope the world
that you will never be.
Broken hearts - broken seas,
I hold my own dream tight
But Father God said, " You must let Go!"
So I trust with all my might."

I smile because of my little heart ranting on and on for hours about who he might be.
I was more frightened then anything of doing the wrong thing or giving my heart to the wrong person.
FOUR years ago, I wrote this little poem to express the way I felt about the whole situation and I'm so at peace now.

I'm just watching myself react to so much and I think, "I would have struggled with THESE thoughts here, but I don't even worry about it any more..." And its true.

I guess part of it comes to truly letting go of your own hopes and desires and trusting that God's plan for you is so much more precious.

I've been thinking lately that I have a habit of needing to touch the stove and get burned to believe that its truly hot. I seem to just work that way and its rather annoying. But then I think, "Maybe I don't even know what 'hot' feels like, sometimes." And I think I may be right.

I never knew what it really was to guard my heart... and so I had to make a huge mistake to realize "OH WAIT... so THATS how you do it..." after looking at a good burn mark on my hands that will leave a scar with its story.

I just make myself laugh. What a goof off I was when I was younger. What a goof off I am NOW! But, hah! 16 years old, right? I'm DYING to get married and to have romance of ANY SORT in my life. DYING!!!

Now I'm nearing 20 and ..... I just smile. I've never known such a Love as the Love of Jesus. There's a certain place God takes you at some point in your life where God strips you of all your "gold jewlery" braided hair and imaculant garments (like How the prophets talk about God stripping the harlotry away from the children of Israel?) And there I am - just as I am before the Lord. And I am ashamed. I am broken, I am humbled. And He makes me His.

And its in that place, the Lord said, I will call Him "Husband".

Have you ever placed all your antisipation, all your dreams on one person?

I have. Its the only way God could remove it from my life. I lived for Romance instead of God. I lived in the hopes and antisipation of love rather then IN Love.

He's changed that in my heart and now I merely smile a loaded, thoughtful, quiet smile at my young, young self.

"Her day will come," I thought. It will. Someday.

But thats really not the point of my life, is it, anymore? I'm so in love with the Lord. I'm so ready to pursue furthuring His Kingdom, solo. The only way marriage would be an option, I think, is that it would furthur God's Kingdom more because of our partnership then if we were both seperate. I sort of remember when this first dawned on me. I was blown away - ITS REALLY NOT ABOUT US!

It really is not! Its not about me being with the most attractive person. Its really not about me being romanced every day and it certainly is not about ME finding the person who makes ME feel fulfilled at all.

Its about Jesus.
Its about learning how to love in a way that is closest to the kind of love we should have for Him.
Its about being a witness. Its about blessing your spouse. Its about the children you may raise and bring up. Its about honor and respect of boundaries. Its about God and His people, His ways, His Life. Its about God.

When did it get so mixed up?

We grow up being taught to follow our feelings, not the voice of God.
We've grown up in a world where romance is riddled with lust, sex and material items.
I've gone there. It is the most unattractive, unfulfilling experience I have ever known. And its the most revolting. Its so bad its one of the those things I can't even stomache. God's plan is bigger in my life. Its for purity and honor and of true beauty. The church has fallen so deep into the though processes of the world when it comes to these things. I think maybe God wants to give us a heart to change that. I'll start with me.

we're made for something different. God's way is different. Me? Win my heart and THEN ask me to commit. WITH A RING. Not this whole, lets live together and have kids and then MAYBE, when we have enough money, we'll get married. what?!

Hey guys, thats WHAT PEOPLE IN THE CHURCHES ARE DOING TOO!!!

Sigh.


Slighly depressing but I'm not to be faultered in my thoughts here. God has a plan for His people and He's looking for those who understand. Psalms says that.

Its been... wow. probably a year or so since I've talked about this subject in any form. I will not lie - I needed to take a year.

Hey, taking a year off from dating or liking people or whatever, is the BEST THING I've ever done for me, my relationship with God and also, really, in my puruit to honor my husband some day. I've never learned more about my heart then in this past year and Man! Have I learned to focus.

Please do it if you feel led!


Hm. Thats all for now.


Now what to eat.....

My Ending Thoughts to 2008's Conclusion.

To begin with, the 3 pictures directly above what I'm writing seem to sum up my life in the last year.
A weeping willow tree - weeping, beautiful, strong.
a dancer - I have this one on my dresser - this little thing so very clearly identifies with my heart before the Lord, especially this last year.
And the exhausted, sobbing angel. If I could picture my spirit, it might've looked something like this....



Sometimes I wish I wasn't so curious about how people are doing all the time because I'm usually dissapointed.

A wise woman told me all my life, "Sarah, don't put your trust in people. People will ALWAYS let you down. Put your trust in Jesus. He never ever changes."

The same woman also told me all my life, "Sarah, you were never meant to fit in. You were always made to stick out. Thats a gift!!"


Two very profound statements that have surrounded my life like a swarm of bees around their hive.

Always happening. Always moving. ALWAYS relevant.


What a deep, wounded year for me.

2008.

Fold after fold of pain upon pain, attack upon personal attack.

A moment in life where I was made to count it all loss for the sake of the Cross.

The cross I would bare.


I don't think I've cried so bitterly in my life, as I have in this phase of these long and yet so shortly lived 12 months.
I don't think I've been so lonely. I don't think I've been so slain within my heart.
I don't think I've ever seen a more broken heart then mine. I guess you could try to compare it to one I saw breaking on the church steps a few years ago, inbetween services, as she learned her boyfriend had died. But I don't think you can. This heart desires deeply to do the will of God. It has been seasoned, even if just a little. This agony I dare say, may go much deeper. I may have kissed the agony of Christ. Shared with Him in His dispare. In His batrayal. His best friend betrayed Him for silver - for the religious leaders. The "Church". His other friend denied he ever knew Him 3 times, after he so loudly and boldly stated he would follow Him even unto death. I have known such betrayal, even if just a fraction. But even to the small extent I have endured, the pain was 10 times worse.

Why, Lord?


A very simple cry, I have indeed begged Him.


"To watch with Me for an hour, Child."


A deep, ingrained answer to the very core of my being. I know why. Because I am His. A true disciple. He will take me on a Journey that He Himself has gone.
And, there will be moments of ministry that will need a tear-stricken revelution. A conlusion made with the most needy of hearts - the testimonies I bear.


Forgiveness.

This is soo so new to me. I forgive easily when someone admits they're wrong.
Its easy, isn't it?

But what if they think they're right? What if they don't care? What if they take joy in hurting you or if they put you in a place where YOU have to explain EVERYTHING when its nothing you can fix and its nothing that you did?

Seven times, Lord?


"No Child, Seventy times Seven. Keep Going, dear One."


Sobs.

I have never been so strained in this place before. Give grace when all you feel is hate? I admit, I am more angry at injustice and being accused wrongly then I am of the actual offence itself. I am angry of the actions that proceed the supposed "clearing up" of an issue.

Its so WRONG!

BUT.


God is God, and vengance is His.

Let forgiveness flow.

I am a hypocrite. I have unforgiveness in my soul. It runs in my vains into my very torn up heart. I have been so very very wounded.
I mean, really, theres a well inside of me thats bursting and I don't know how to just let it go. But I WANT to let it go. I want to cry until I'm free.

I think thats the point. This is where God wants me.

Where I am in a place where I'm not in charge.
I WANT to do the right thing, and the rest of it, I'm not in control of.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Bring her into the wilderness
And speak kindly to her.
"Then I will give her her vineyards from there,
And the valley of Achor as a door of hope
And she will sing there as in the days of her youth...
And it shall be, in that day,”
Says the LORD, “ That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’
And no longer call Me ‘My Master'".

Hosea 2:14-16

I am a broken bride.

I have given my heart away to so many things - I've been a harlot of sorts.

Yet He called me here.
Blessed year of 2008.
A right to womanhood.
A passageway through which I become intimate with Him.
A place where I will not only sing as I did in the days when I first met Him, but I will be redeemed because I have lost so much innocence.

Every tear, God told me, He knows what exactly its for. He knows the reason for it.
I must have had so many unspoken, unformed reasons this year.

But one thing I've learned more then anything this last year is: I NEED Him. I NEED Jesus. He's MORE than enough for me. He IS my Love. He IS my life. He FILLS my desires. He quenches my thirsts. Every word that proceeds from His mouth is better then mere bread. His love is better then wine. Nothing can satisfy the void that only He can fill.
Friends can't fill it, boyfriends can't fill it, my dreams can't fill it, my music can't fill it, WORDS can't fill it, my ego can't fill it. Nothing can!

I am poor. I am in deed. My spirit is quiet, poor, humbled. Faithful.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs in the Kingdom of God."

Heh. These people have the kingdom of God. What a witness. What a way to draw all men unto Himself.


The Vineyard. A place where I worked hard. Dark but lovely. But Jesus said to me, "Martha, Martha, Martha."
And I knew, the Vineyard was not my ministry. Jesus was. And when I began to touch that concept the most amazing thing happened in my heart: a Garden began to flurish, full throttle.

"And He will give her her vineyards from there"...


So very cleverly thought, that I go to a Vineyard church now.
Growing friendships, endless possibilites.
A new job.
Light at the end of the tunnel?

I don't know. I'm too busy staring at the Center of my life to pay attention to that. Everything just.... comes together in chaotic unision to revolve around this thing called God's Love.

"And all of a sudden, I am unaware of the afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great You're affections are for me."



A new year is the most exciting thing that could happen for me right now.

To leave it all behind and press on.

"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,
and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith,
that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death;
in order that I mayattain to the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.
Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. "

philipians 3:8-12




Its one of my most favorite things Paul ever said.


And I will end this entry with that.


Not that I've been made perfect, but this I know, forgetting those things which are behind, I press on towards the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

So let it be done, in Jesus Name.




I love you, dear brothers and sisters. Thank you for reading.

Time to Disperse Some New Material

So its been a while since I've put up anything new in the way of songs for all of you to see the lyrics. I know I've been writing a lot lately, but I don't know. I guess when you've got some time and you've got a lot coming to you, you go with the flow.

Lets go with the newest song sooooo far.

First King Nineteen (Its Where You Find Me)

by Sarah Faith
late october early november, 2008 – small group worship time. A prohetically sung song during worship.


Fire falls from heaven
the sky fills up with flair,
I searched for you, Lord
But I found that you were not there.

The earth quakes with Your power
the mountains shake with fear
I looked for a trumpet or.. Something
But found that You were not there.

The wind came and blew over
pulling through my hair
I listened for a whisper
but even then You were not there.


CHORUS

It was Your still, small voice
and its speaking to my heart
and its Your sweet, soft love
and it sweeps me to where You are


BRIDGE

Child, what are you doing here?
Child - What are you doing here?
Stop looking at whats falling out
open your eyes to see what I see now..

listen for...

CHORUS2

My still, small voice
as I speak right to your heart
and its My sweet, soft Love
that meets you right where you are.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Cry of a Sinner

By Sarah F. G
7/3/08-7/9/08

Sometimes I forget that this is not my home
Sometimes I forget that I’m not alone
And sometimes I forget that I’m alive
When all I’ve known comes crashing down before my very eyes

And this is my binding creed
This is what makes me, what breaks me

Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.

There’s no sense on dwelling on what is gone
Nor in wishing what’s true isn’t true.
So let my hope rise with the wind that blows my hair in my face
And whisk me off to the now of a new day

But this is my binding creed
This is what makes me, what breaks me

Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.

Life happens to all of us, you and me
But it all happens for a reason
So let my bitterness roll away with the stone from His grave
And let me rise with the Son who saves [it’s a new day]

And this is my victory
This is what makes me free

Lord you have me all the way through
I’ll drink of Your cup, walk on the billows blue
I understand that seasons change,
But you promise me that You stay the same
Yesterday, today and forever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finding Myself Lost
(To Live what One Sings)

By Sarah F. G.
6/10/08-6/12/08

Verse 1
I remember having high hopes for my life
I could look out and almost see myself in flight
And now I sit here on this floor
As I find the depth of life is so much more

Pre-Chorus
It’s moving and it’s seeing by His word

Verse 2
There are many who’ve answered Your call
So why do I feel so alone, left to weigh out it all
I look down through my tears
And I see my legs are broken, and that I’m facing my fears

Chorus1
And now I find myself in Your heart
Starting to see things the way You are
I now that You found me, I know
That to lose myself in You, I must let go





Verse 3****
I feel like I’ve just left boot camp
I don’t feel like a loser, but sure don’t feel like a champ
I morn the loss of familiar ways
But I’m following God, and he’s not there anymore
He’s on to a brand new day


Chorus 2
And I’ll find myself where You are
As I see things the way You are
I’ll press on to all that is new
I’ll go through it all to see that I grew
I grew in You

Bridge
I’ve built a callous to all the pain
And the first time I’m way, I realize all I have to gain
My little hurts all come out of hiding
Each one met with mercy and healing – I’m healing

Pre-Chorus
I see that praying and waiting on the Lord,
Is what moves me to live by His word…

Chorus 3
And I find myself wrapped in Your arms
No counterfeit could touch Your part
As I allow You to make me whole
My life matters less and You matter more

**** I'm not really sure how to rewrite this verse but its not to my liking so I'm working on it still. This little message is to state that its subject to change. :) thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well guys, thats it. Those are the new songs of the year.
Its definitely not easy to write songs and I've not written some in a loooong time. But I knew that God was working deep and that at some point I was going to be able to write. But you know? Its like I need God's annointing. I can't just write like that. I have to be under His blessing to freely write. Otherwise, it just never works. Anyway, these songs have been formed out of a truly broken heart before the Lord. I hope they bless you and meet you where you are today. I know they do for me. I guess.... they're like prayers. An expression of a heart deeply seeking for someone to hear it. Jesus is the Great Listener. And the most wonderful part about it, guys, is that He sees what the world does not - what even I cannot. He sees me.

Have a lovely evening!

--Sarah Faith

ps: all of this is copyrighted onto blogger and is in fact a genuine song by me. So in a not so gracious way I'm saying: its not legal to steal my lyrics. Thanks.

He Paints One Stroke & the Sky Goes Crazy With Love...(A Stroke of Genius, Perhaps?)

So last night I had a lot to think about.

I think I was taking in a meshing of personalities and I was rather agitated that everyone was in my face. This of course is to be expected when your family is mine.

But this morning after the first few hours of becoming awake, things began to hit me and my heart became thankful.

First, just being able to watch people interact with each other. Have you ever noticed that some people can just pick up and become fast friends and the whole room becomes a bustle of jolly commotion as everyone picks around each others' personalities just to find to their delight, that they all enjoy each other and accept each other for their very crazy if not brazen self?

Once, while I was growing up, I was ashamed of how my family was. No one else's family was like mine - that was BAD cause everyone else acted like we were maniacs or something.

BUT - over the past 2 years, I've not only come to terms with how my family is, I rather feel sorry for people who can't handle so much craziness and love.

How do they enjoy their boring, routinely lives? One might argue if they're really living at all.

One thing I rather delight in is how one personality can pull another personality out of hiding.

Its one of the most beautiful things for someone to just accept that they are a certain way and that GOSH! ITS OKAY TO JUST BE YOU!!!!

I think my family is good at that. We most definitely have our problems, HA! Let me be a witness of that! BUT! We're always moving. We're always learning and changing. We have (for the most part) open hearts.

So this is what triggered a thought process of how God, in essence has surrounded himself with... Himself. He Himself is the ESSENCE OF beauty and so ergo, everything He does is beautiful.

I was driving home on 271 and what encountered me as I approached the top of a particular hill was something that took my breath away - a wild dash of orange, pink blue and purple with a swirl of yellow somehow blending in every little corner that was not covered.
The sun screamed orange.

The sky was marveling. It was almost as if every single moment was a span of universe happening and if you blinked you had missed some form of divinity. I swear the sky was glowing and in love.

Ha, and then He said ever so simply, "Its for You."

Of course without missing a single beat I replied, "Well, Yeah... and everyone else you made it for ... AND me... of course!" in between gasps of awe and reminding myself I should probably breath too.

But He plainly restated, "Its for You."

And that's when it hit me:

What did it matter if it could be for anyone else too? God is a sovereign God! Its all the more immaculate that He could have made it for me and ANYONE ELSE He wanted to love on in that little place in time where human met Jesus.

And thats where I was humbled. The live painting was for me. It was between Jesus and His bride. I'm not just single. I'm plural. Its for me just as much as it is for any other part of His Bride. It doesn't mean He would love me any less, He loves ME. He loves US. Of COURSE its for me!


He is awesome.

And, there, on Remsen Rd, I began to cry tears of thankfulness.

He Loves Us.


He really does!


And THIS BLOG is NOT to cancel out my last post!

In one hand the Lord invokes true Justice to all the nations AND to all the peoples.

But, in the OTHER hand, He offers mercy and this crazy grace that says if you repent and confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, He will NOT overlook that!

And for us, as a broken people to get ON OUR FACES before a holy God, is to give Him honor and to show Him real reverence, which, by the way guys, we have NO business losing since, last I checked we're all STILL dirty rotting sinners without Him.

Anyway,

I leave you with this:


Heh. :) He loves us if we are open to Him giving us His love.

Now... If we could get the hang of loving Him back.....

Emerge Stage Right: The Shulamite

There are quite a bit of things that God has been revealing, lately. First, that its never about me and the purpose I feel I need to accomplish and fulfill. Its about Jesus and HIS purpose that I am even privileged to be apart of aiding to put into action.
Second, Jesus calls those He loves into the wilderness. Out of the comfy-cozy and into the outsiders zone. He invites us to die. And we ignore His invitations in our happy church settings. Jesus was an outsider. He loved those who hated Him. He loves those who hate Him. He loved those who hated His disciples. He loves those who hate His disciples.
His disciples are those who accept His invitation to die... again.

Heh. Jesus has been drawing me out into the extreme. He's been calling me to just be myself and stand and DO. But its not about me fulfilling my idea of His calling on my life!

Starting bound4life in medina was not exactly my idea of His calling on my life. BUT. Life is what He is. Life is what I have. Life is what I'll fight for.
But let me quote Ever After here, "But, life without Love... well, its no life at all." 1 Corinthians even says this in the 13th chapter. Love activates the Spiritual Gifts. Why? Because God is Love.

"Set me as a Seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm".

Love.

"Come back to me Oh backsliding children' declares the Lord, 'For I am married to you..." Jeremiah 3:14


You know, amidst the afflictions and the hurts, I believe that Jesus saved my family and I.

I believe that it hurts to pull away from something that has been apart of you for so long or so intimately.

But something I believe God did, at least in my own life, is that He pulled me away from the very thing that was hurting the way I looked at Jesus the most.

Mary, sister of Martha, was a chosen daughter, in love with Jesus. Rahab was a chosen daughter, humbly declaring her belief in God through actions.

Rebekah was chosen to be Isaac's wife through her servant-like heart.

I... I had been taught to be a Martha.

The moment giftings began to show, I was made to work in my brothers vineyards. I was thrown in right as I was spiritually old enough and that is all I ever knew. Yet my own garden I struggled to keep.

I am dark but lovely.

A rose of Sharon. A lily of the valleys. I could have withered away from too much sun and no watering of my own roots.


Jesus is showing me something rather valuable in my life. It is this:

He just wants to be with ME.


So my sister told me it couldn't hurt to look again, you know, being as I'm done with my "year" and all.

But it will hurt to look. I won't need to look if God makes His will obvious and in my face. Every time I look, I get burned.

"His left hand is under my head, his right arm embraces me. I charge you Oh daughters of Jerusalem, do not awaken or stir up love until it so pleases."


Jesus is my Beloved. There is none beside Him. Who else is there?

So something a friend of mine said has been sitting with me very solemnly.
"I count it a privilege to serve Jesus in this way" (this way meaning some grounds work.)

You know... it was a general update to many many people who have been waiting for from Him. But Jesus spoke to me through it. Jesus showed me the servant heart I need to pursue to be who He's waiting for. I know I've been trying, but truly, my heart struggles in getting down and dirty when I don't want to. And THAT is exactly where Jesus sees me most. When I don't want to and I'm flat out honest about it. But I DO want to want to! And so here goes the struggle of a woman's heart after God: Lord, I AM privileged to serve You in this way. This is my witness: they will know me by my Love.


"Little things done with great Love can change the world."


That is on a Vineyard church wall somewhere.

Little things.

One person at a time.

MULTITUDES.


Jesus TOUCHED multitudes, one person at a time. And this is the kicker: He was touchable. So He touched. He loved one person at a time. I am called to do this very thing. To love one person at a time.

And yet, before all of this, I am called to Love Jesus first.

This maze is not a test... its a journey. I just need to walk with Jesus through it; right by His side.


Jesus wants to spend time with me.

He LOVES me. I am His Shulamite. His harlot bride. The one who has lain with many men. I've given my heart away to the world over and over again, pursuing fleshly desires. AND I CONTINUE to DO so!!! YET! Yet; He pursues me. Draws me into the wilderness to speak words of comfort to me. And I will forget who I've become. I will remember that despite my prostitution He chose me - ME! To be His bride.

And I will sing as in the days of my youth. Before I gave myself away to the church and her ministries. Before I prioritized leading over following Jesus. BEFORE I was put on stage and BEFORE people saw my potential. Before, way back to when I was 12 and Jesus called me forward and said to me that if I really wanted to follow Him, I would need to lay down my little 12 year old pride. The kind of pride that stopped me from raising my hands. The kind of pride that chained me down from my dance. The kind of pride that rears its head, manifested in my so-called wisdom from years.

Right back to my 11 year old self... seeing Jesus as my own for the very first time. It is like THEN, that I will sing. Only much much more free.



It is in this wilderness that I cry with the most painful of tears and claim the most unspeakable joy. It is in this wilderness, Oh friends, That my love has been awakened, under an apple tree of mercy. In the arms of Grace.

Who else is there?


"My beauty is enough for you, Sarah."


And its true.


I once was a harlot. But now I am His Lover. I am His Bride. And I have been made white as snow, purified in fire - lips touched with coal.

In Christ, behold, the old has gone and the New is Come.

Chosen among virgins, I will fast and pray. And then I will put on my finest apparel - opening my garden wide - and come boldly before the throne.

There, I receive a scepter of grace.



I'm in Love.




You'll see me in pink again.

True Influence...

So last night was my last night at cornerstone chapel. My heart ached, my eyes cried. But it was one last, sad look on the place of, really, my spiritual youth.

I grew up in the way I should go, there.

But, though God is at work in the place where I've spent so much of my life, He's on to a new thing with me.


I scanned the place where I led worship so many times for so many different people. I took in the carpet that held so many of my tears as I sought some floor space.
I looked at the corner where I sat and prayed for so many people.
I sat in the chairs I never actually sat in very much because I was always in the sound booth running the computer or sound...

And I watched as my pastor - the one who showed me how to lead and pastor as I do now, get on his knees and wash both the new youth pastor and the new youth directors' feet.

I watched as 3 of the strongest men in my life openly wepped, being humbled in so many different ways.

I saw Jesus.


And so, as I took all of this in, I couldn't help but wonder - what sort of legacy did I leave?

None but a few people talked to be as I spent my last Wednesday watching everything go on around me.
I'm sure many have their opinions of me and my choice to leave. I'm sure many are glad. But then there were a few people, surprising as it was, whom I never knew would hug me with tears in their eyes and thank me...

My heart is overwhelmed with a sadness, a love, and a need to continue forward.
I loved these people. I still do. In so many ways I pastored them... as did all the rest of the youth leaders.

But God gave me charge over the 6th grade girls this year, thanks to Pastor Mark, and those girls were MY girls. :)

I grew so much as I taught them as best I could what God has been showing me. I probably grew more then they did.
But one thing I know... it meant more then anything to me when they each gave me hugs as I watched them deal in their own way with the fact that I wouldn't be there again.

Some were silly and acted normal.

Then there were just a few... just a few who sadly looked at me through those beautiful little eyes of theirs and told me they'd miss me and couldn't stop hugging me.

God!

THAT is God.

I could never have loved those girls the way I did without God's love... and that Love He first loved me with.

They mean soo much to me. Heh, no matter what I was going through each week, they were a constant reminder that I needed to just look past myself and my problems for a while to see the beauty of the Lord in each little heart as I listened to THEIR problems.


Influence.

11 years old and the Lord revealed Himself to me. I was 12 years old when He encountered me with His Spirit. 13 when I started thinking about missions. I was 14 when I knew I'd follow Him into the ministry. 16 when I began to lead worship. 18 When I began to truly pursue ministry as a life job... All of which Pastor Mark has only encouraged and helped develope as time went on. Now here at 19, the Lord thinks its time to move MY influencer on. He thinks I'm ready to be without him.

I think of how much Pastor Mark influenced my life... How much his life - the way he lived it, impacted mine.

And then I think of how for just the short amount of essential time I may have influenced these blossoming young women. What will they remember so many years down the line that may have impacted them?

I pray it was Jesus they saw.
I pray that the way I lived MY life, the way I conducted myself, is something they will consider, and that in some strange way, they'd imitate my faith, just as I have been trying to imitate PM's.

I hope that this part of my life would line up with Hebrews 13:7 -

Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith.

I guess you could say that I'm blown away by all God continues to show me about how important it is to represent Jesus to the world.
But you can't just start with the world first.

You must start small. Start young. Start with what God gives you.
Its sort of like the promise of Abraham that we go by - God will multiply us. I may not see the fruits of my labor, but those girls may. Praise the Lord.

:)

What peace, to know that in His time, God makes all things beautiful?

As long as for me, that beauty is in producing fruit, It'll be worth all the heart ache.

It'll be worth every tear.

I stand humbled, but I stand none the less.

... so, God has really dealt with me since my last posting. Ultimately, if I want to call the "90%" out for what they're not doing, God thought I should probably know about those who ARE doing something of good cause. Not only did He show me some good BIG causes, but he also revealed the smaller ministries that are loving on people every day. Like the oaks family care center? Yeah, those people are loving on teen moms, homeless people and teens who just need a loving guide.

I am so totally humbled right now.

I suppose I get so passionate about things that I forget that there ARE people doing stuff!! there really are, and that if I'm going to bash things, I need to get going by supporting those who ARE doing good things... who are making a difference, both the small ministries and the big ones.


So I sit here in the intern office for the last time as an intern, today.
I feel.... like crying. So much has happened here... so much of my growth. The thing is though... no one really cares about how much I've grown here except me. Thats okay though. What scares the living daylights out of me is whats going to happen next.

For the last month I've been scared of what my life might hold after the internship, but its just been the last week that God has given me new hope: He WILL use me where He wants to, and guess what? I HAVE THE TIME TO BE USED now.

I feel like as I walk out of here, I'm walking away from a form of spiritual boot camp that I'll never want to go through again. Whether it means that it was my last stretch of true training before God throws me out there, I don't know. The last thing I ever want to believe though is that I've somehow arrived.

I know more then anything though that I haven't.

Hm.

I want to write songs again. I want to write poetry again. I want to be inspired. I AM being inspired every day! The problem? Its not coming out OUT!! It just keeps going in and my spirit, my heart, my soul keeps turning it over and over and over again, but nothing is coming from it yet. I hope more then anything that something absolutely lovely comes from this since, once again, I wait for something awesome to happen. Maybe though the thought of the day is: Am I supposed to MAKE it happen? Is the miracle not that its a new day but that I have another day to be better then yesterday?

Good question.


One thing I've been thinking about lately though is: I guess we'll figure it out. Today, I spend it with Christ. As long as thats the case, I'll be okay with whatever comes my way. Just don't take Him away.

I've never known Christ the way I do right now. I'm so blown away by the love I have for Him. I never knew I could love someone like this. My only real problem is trying to figure out how to love people the way He loves me. It takes SO MUCH EFFORT to love people the way Jesus does. Its so hard! Well... its not if they're lovable. I think the less you know about someone the easier it is to convince yourself that you love them like Christ. But the real challenge is when you know them deeper or better then before. The deal is that Jesus knows the parts of us that WE don't even know exist yet... and He loves us despite that. I can't even compose myself quick enough when someone is imperfect in front of me for the very first time!

I'm such a worm. but I'll quote Winston Churchill here, "We are ALL worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm."

I am a glowworm if I must be a worm.

But even God made the worms, and he provides for them. How much more does God love us then, being as we are human beings?

I cannot even fathom it. I cannot even fathom what is the width, the depth, the heighth, the VASTNESS of His love for us. I guess it'll be a life-long learning experience to love people the way Jesus loves us. I hope to love on HIM a little more like He loves by the end of my little life.


I love Him.


Nothing can compare to what I have with Him after this crazy 10 months of wishing I never had to come back to the church; of crying myself to sleep at night; of struggling with God to forgive again, for today.

I walk away from this place more a woman then I've ever been before, and more a child then I will ever be in later years. I hope to grow younger as I embrace the joy set before me to endure any trial...

I just wonder that I'm not walking away with more than I think I am. I bet God has instilled in me more then I realize right now.

But one thing I did get out of this: I questioned whether I was truly called to full-time ministry or not.
I truly questioned it and I've concluded after much pain, many tears, several hard-knocks and a few trying doubts that, YES. God has called me more then ever before. I could not be satisfied any other way but then to give my life to further the Kingdom of God through any sort of ministry God calls me to.

I don't know. I hope my writings can go into a time of simply desperate pursuit of God and true poetry of the soul.

sigh.


until next time...

Lord, would you help me write another song?

Hm, so. Okay.

A comment on my last blog got me thinking.

Romance is supposed to be renewed, right?


Okay. I'm done wallowing. YES. I've been wallowing. I've needed to wallow.

I've been wallowing because, gosh, now I know what it feels like to be pursued and treated like a princess (uhh... mostly.)
I know what I've been missing out from. I guess thats why I feel sorry for myself a little, but you know? Why would God allow me to experience something like that and give me less the next time? Because...

He DID give me this something beautiful.
He allowed me to experience a great amount of romance - sweet and wonderful.
But He also allowed me to experience pain. A great deal of pain.
Why?
"Why me?!" I sometimes ask God.

"Why not you, Sarah?" was the reply.

"But, I feel so used, Lord!"

"But you said, 'use me'."

"Yes, but... but... this hurts!"

"I know, sweetheart."

*tears*

"Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours be done."




I don't know. I'm just done wallowing.

Maybe I need to renew my romance with the Lord.

I think thats what it is that I need to do right now. I love Jesus, I need to start showing Him better. I need to start doing things for him, telling him how much I care about him. Spending time with him, singing to him, possibly drawing him nearer? Is there a way to draw him unto myself like you would a regular guy? I don't know. I mean, love, and the whole idea of flirting and attracting someone, is all part of the whole picture of LOVE, is it not? So if God made me to do that, maybe I SHOULD do that... with God.

Maybe I should allow God to woo me, to call me out.

Maybe look at God as my Lover as well as my Friend?

Is that even possible? It will be hard. I never see Him. Sigh. Thats always my problem. I always have to have faith that God will reveal Himself to me in time, just like I have to have faith that God has someone out there for me.. even though I can't see.

I almost hate that I'm so attracted to romance. I wish I could say that I'm better then that, that I'm harder then that. That I'm not as pathetic as that.

Unfortunately, I am not. AND I have feelings too. I feel a great deal.

You know, I feel brushed aside sometimes by people. I feel like since I happen to be trying with all my heart to do the right thing in all of this, people go, "good for you! You're soooooooooo amazing!"

What?! No. I am NOT amazing. I suck. If most of you knew, you wouldn't think that. I struggle. I struggle to let things go. I struggle to let things grow. I hurt. I feel like it wasn't fair. I sit there and smile at people and tell them thatGod is in control, but then I go home and I cry and cry and cry, and ask God why I deserved any of this.

Do you know how wrong it is to really actually ask God why, eSPECIALLY since I wasn't there when He created the heavens, the earth and creation? Who the heck am I to ask why?

and yet I have the guts to ask anyway. Why? Because God allows for me to be imperfect. He understands. He understands when I vent my frustrations.
Thats why I love him.

I could cuss Him out, and He'd still bless me. He'd still listen. And He showed me that actually, He'd rather have me cuss Him out then not talk to Him at all.

...you know? He's so good to us. I don't understand this, but His demensions to love us far surpasses ours.

I mean really? Why and how does He love us with a love that is bigger then US? Why?

I dunno. All I know is that I want more of that love. I want more of Him in my life.

"More Love, more power, more of you in my life. More faith, more passion, more of you in my life. And I will worship You, with all of my heart. and I will worship you, with all of my mind. And I will worship You with all of my strenth. You are my Lord, You are my Lord."

Sarah is growing again. and no, its not height-wise, thank you. Nore is it mustache-wise. Its my spiritual-eyes. *wink*. yes yes, I'm still my same old Sarah self.

Ouch

you know, Lord?

This sucks.

I feel used, I feel invisible and I feel like just another girl.
It sucks that I feel that way.
Of course, I asked You to use me. I shouldn't be complaining!

me: "Lord!! Use me Use me Use me!!!!!!"
God: "Okay!"

later...

Me: "God!!! I feel so used!"
God: "But you said.."
Me: ".....I'm sorry, this just...I feel like I didn't even benifit from this. I feel like all it did was hurt me and give me a lesson learned."
God: "Sarah..."
Me: "Wait.. I know I'm so selfish. I SHOULDN'T sit here and tell you I didn't get anything out of this and complain. But God... .... and I don't WANT to complain, and I'll try NOT to, Jesus! Its just that... and I know I deserve a lot of what I get, but ... why me? Of all the people who.. I guess the question really is why NOT me? Lord, this hurts, I don't understand but I give this to you. I trust You, Lord. I do. Its just hard. Give me joy."
God: "Sarah, I love you, darling. I will be gentle. You are strong in Me. You'll see. You will dance. You will shout. You will bring glory. Just don't forget Me now. Press on. You'll see My will in due time, dear Child. I love you."

Sigh.

here I am

screwed up

beat up.

feeling hung out to dry.

I feel like an idiot.

I wear my heart on my sleave.

I give and give, and then cry and hurt when people throw it back.
I want to NOT give... but... I'm meant to.
and I screwed up.
maybe thats why this hurts more... because of my choices.
I didn't guard my heart.


sigh.

but its not broken.
and I'm not strong.

But God Is.


thats all the reason I need.

The Girl I Am...

I am the girl you'll first notice after the ... well.... 10th take.


I am the girl with the hefty laugh and the sunshine smile.

I am the girl who smiles with her eyes if she really smiles.

I am the girl who wish she liked sweats as much as jeans...but jeans are more comfortable.

I am the girl who will say she could care less about her hair, but spends 15 minutes blowdrying it because people say its pretty.

I am the girl who sits on her bed at night and contemplates her thoughts to God while stairing at her wall, but when seriously talking or listening, looks through the ceiling.

I am the girl who hides behind her grin well... but I am the girl who gives up trying to hide anything at all from those who care.

I am the girl who LOVES to rock out...but...

I am the girl who relates more to thoughtful music.

I am the girl who sees things colorful when everyone else see it gray, and I am the girl who sees things gray when everyone else sees them black and white.

I am a black and white kind of girl.

I am the girl whos first thought in the shower is, "Hey God..*pause* ... I love You too..."

I am the girl who writes letters to people who may never get them.

I am the girl who pours her soul out on paper.

I am short and perky, I suppose.

I am Blonde.

I am Wise because my Father in Heaven is Wise.

I am My Father's daughter...heh...

I am a friend of God.

I am a twinkling deep-blue-eyed soul.

I am Not always able to understand myself.

I am Understood by Jesus.

I am such a hopeful romantic that it drives my friends insane.

I am having a seriously hard time to typing out subtle lies about myself. But

I am More than just a conqueror.

I am screwed up without Jesus.

I am a cadillac girl.

I am a creative mind.

I am the kind of girl who loves more than she wishes to at times...but

I DO love, even when its hard.

I am a straight-up Jesus-girl.

I am saving my first kiss and my whole self for the man God has for me

I am struggling.

I am More than just a conqueror.

I am just as happy doing background work as I am in the front where everyone can see.

I am in love with the plan God has for my life.

I am in great desperation for God to keep me in my place.

I am the girl who feels rejected amidst admiring peers.

I am a loner in a lot of things

but

I am not afraid to point to God to share my heart.


I make so many mistakes, I could have a hard time living with myself.

but


I am NOT perfect.

I am the girl who cries over the memory of holding your hand.

I am the girl who gave up her childhood dream.

I know God will show me His dream for me.

I am the girl who cries with no tears.

I am the girl who writes songs about you that you'll never hear.

I am hurting.

I am dealing.

I am growing.

I am moving forward even though

I am the one who proposed the step back.

I love to talk to God out loud in my car.

I am not afraid to be real.

I am crazy, plain and simple.

I am fully convinced that you'd really go insane if you weren't crazy while living this life.

I am tired of feeling rejected.

but its okay.


I am turning 18 in a month.

I am becoming a woman I think I might become friends with.

I am so so so in love with my Savior, even when I have a difficult time to listen to HIM.

God, I'm so fricken screwed up.

God, "...thats okay."

I am a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor.

Who are you, Lord that you are mindful of me? Who are you Jesus, that you care for me?

God, "...I AM."


I am not...
God, "But I Am."

But I'm not...
God, "But I AM."

God, "You are beautiful, Dear One, because I AM.

You are more than just a conqueror because I AM.

You are My chosen child because I AM.

You are of royalty because I AM.

You are in Love with Me because I AM first in love with you.

You are hurting because I AM.

You are moving forward because I AM.

You gave up your dream, but I AM giving you the desires of your heart.

You love to rock out because I AM your Rock.

You are the girl with the hefty laugh and the sunshine smile because I AM your joy and I AM the Sonshine in your smile.

You have a twinkling deep-blue-eyed soul because I AM your breathe of life. You breathe My Spirit.

You are wise because I AM wise.

You are Loving because I AM Love.

You have my Heart because I AM not only in your heart, but you are in MY heart.

you are sensitive because I AM sensitive to all things.

You deal because I AM dealing with you.

You are real because, My dear Child, I AM REAL.

you are because I AM.

AND I AM YWHW. I AM that I AM.

and My Child... I AM in love with you."






And so...

I am His.