My life in a Poem

Deep inside my heart I know

a desire within me grows - 

to put away all youthful lusts

for holiness and righteousness.

Struggle still,  easy, no.

For I, myself, my greatest foe.

My heart to long for heaven things

my flesh to fight in opposing deeds.

All I long for is out of reach

the things I hate, I try unteach.

I battle for the sweet and pure

I've lost, I feel; my victory's sure

For by God's grace I move ahead

sometimes I lose, yet still not dead.

One day I'll walk tall and strong

as the Son revealed, my Glory has won.

2-3-11 -Sarah Faith. 

 

 

I stand humbled, but I stand none the less.

... so, God has really dealt with me since my last posting. Ultimately, if I want to call the "90%" out for what they're not doing, God thought I should probably know about those who ARE doing something of good cause. Not only did He show me some good BIG causes, but he also revealed the smaller ministries that are loving on people every day. Like the oaks family care center? Yeah, those people are loving on teen moms, homeless people and teens who just need a loving guide.

I am so totally humbled right now.

I suppose I get so passionate about things that I forget that there ARE people doing stuff!! there really are, and that if I'm going to bash things, I need to get going by supporting those who ARE doing good things... who are making a difference, both the small ministries and the big ones.


So I sit here in the intern office for the last time as an intern, today.
I feel.... like crying. So much has happened here... so much of my growth. The thing is though... no one really cares about how much I've grown here except me. Thats okay though. What scares the living daylights out of me is whats going to happen next.

For the last month I've been scared of what my life might hold after the internship, but its just been the last week that God has given me new hope: He WILL use me where He wants to, and guess what? I HAVE THE TIME TO BE USED now.

I feel like as I walk out of here, I'm walking away from a form of spiritual boot camp that I'll never want to go through again. Whether it means that it was my last stretch of true training before God throws me out there, I don't know. The last thing I ever want to believe though is that I've somehow arrived.

I know more then anything though that I haven't.

Hm.

I want to write songs again. I want to write poetry again. I want to be inspired. I AM being inspired every day! The problem? Its not coming out OUT!! It just keeps going in and my spirit, my heart, my soul keeps turning it over and over and over again, but nothing is coming from it yet. I hope more then anything that something absolutely lovely comes from this since, once again, I wait for something awesome to happen. Maybe though the thought of the day is: Am I supposed to MAKE it happen? Is the miracle not that its a new day but that I have another day to be better then yesterday?

Good question.


One thing I've been thinking about lately though is: I guess we'll figure it out. Today, I spend it with Christ. As long as thats the case, I'll be okay with whatever comes my way. Just don't take Him away.

I've never known Christ the way I do right now. I'm so blown away by the love I have for Him. I never knew I could love someone like this. My only real problem is trying to figure out how to love people the way He loves me. It takes SO MUCH EFFORT to love people the way Jesus does. Its so hard! Well... its not if they're lovable. I think the less you know about someone the easier it is to convince yourself that you love them like Christ. But the real challenge is when you know them deeper or better then before. The deal is that Jesus knows the parts of us that WE don't even know exist yet... and He loves us despite that. I can't even compose myself quick enough when someone is imperfect in front of me for the very first time!

I'm such a worm. but I'll quote Winston Churchill here, "We are ALL worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm."

I am a glowworm if I must be a worm.

But even God made the worms, and he provides for them. How much more does God love us then, being as we are human beings?

I cannot even fathom it. I cannot even fathom what is the width, the depth, the heighth, the VASTNESS of His love for us. I guess it'll be a life-long learning experience to love people the way Jesus loves us. I hope to love on HIM a little more like He loves by the end of my little life.


I love Him.


Nothing can compare to what I have with Him after this crazy 10 months of wishing I never had to come back to the church; of crying myself to sleep at night; of struggling with God to forgive again, for today.

I walk away from this place more a woman then I've ever been before, and more a child then I will ever be in later years. I hope to grow younger as I embrace the joy set before me to endure any trial...

I just wonder that I'm not walking away with more than I think I am. I bet God has instilled in me more then I realize right now.

But one thing I did get out of this: I questioned whether I was truly called to full-time ministry or not.
I truly questioned it and I've concluded after much pain, many tears, several hard-knocks and a few trying doubts that, YES. God has called me more then ever before. I could not be satisfied any other way but then to give my life to further the Kingdom of God through any sort of ministry God calls me to.

I don't know. I hope my writings can go into a time of simply desperate pursuit of God and true poetry of the soul.

sigh.


until next time...

We join the Angels' Song

Okay, so Worship was pretty awesome last night.
We had some new stuff and practice didn't start until 20 after because nothing was set up, everything was out of place and a soundguy never showed up. PM had to help us with everything (because I don't know what goes where and HOW on stage. I can only do the sound board, if anything.)

But it was a little stressful, just because nothing was working and it was just a long busy day and no one knew the songs.

So we had a rough start and we practiced right up until people came in at 7. We had an ice breaker that was 10 minutes long, which was good because the second we all put down our instruments, Zach, Ben, McKenna and Anna said VERY strongly, "We NEED to pray." haha. I know we need to pray before actually leading, but I was pleasently surprised by these kids' discernment that they were NOT about to get through that service unless they did. We all held hands tightly and prayed hard. To be honest, we all screwed up alot, but it was an awesome experience because we were all relying on God to use our musical talent, and also the Holy Spirit to lead us. I knew I wasn't the Leader, God was. And so even though we messed up a bit, God led us in what I THOUGHT was a good passionate cry. There was one song that I really wanted to do with fervor, and I think we've played it like a contemperary worship song so far. But last night, I wanted the team to stomp on satan when they played. We did the song, "You Never Let Go" and it was the coolest thing because we sang ocapella the pre chorus.

And I will fear no Evil. For my God is with Me. And if my God is with me, Whom then thall I fear? Whom than shall I fear?

And we just stomped it out. We sang it Loud. We stepped into being the Children of God who live in FREEDOM. and it was the COOLEST thing! I just backed off for a second and had them sing it out.

and we've never actually ended it like this, but we ENDED on the Pre chorus ocapella.
it just ended with, "Whom them shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?" and it was the coolest statement of truth and it rang clear and loud for the world to hear. It was absolutely the most beatiful thing I've seen so far. Its like my heart CRIES OUT in joy when I see these young people lift ONE VOICE to the King of Kings AS the King of Kings. They're beginning to learn how to give Him the Glory because He IS Glorious!

I was so proud of my fellow sisters and brothers.
the last song was the revelation song, and it was the first time we've ever done it, and no one knew it very well.

But I KNOW God got the glory in that song too.
I overheard someone say I butchered the song and it sucked because it was their favorite song.

I have something to say to that:

obviously whoever said it was too busy judging to really praise Him in it. Give a little grace, okay? we didn't have enough time to practice, and first time stuff never sounds right the first time. And if for whatever reason it was because I just didn't have the right voice for it, you can tell God about it, because this is the voice He gave me, and THAT is the voice that led 140 kids into worship with that song. Please know guys, that that wasn't said out of pride. It is said out of fact. I KNOW it didn't go so well, but you know? C'mon! Who is anyone to judge?! We'll do better next time.




So anyway, it was so awesome and I was so proud and I can't wait for the retreat!

I am SO looking forward to what God wants to do with His Church.

A Princess' Story - I Once was a Beast.

I don't know, guys... the things of this world SUCK. Because I fight them, Satan gives me STRUGGLE after bloody struggle. I use the word bloody because sometimes it feels like its seeping the life out of me.

I asked for it though... I was the one who asked God to test my faith, wasn't I? I was the one who looked Satan in the face and said, "bring it on."

But then I realized I am really nothing without my Jesus.

I am so so so human.

I have mean thoughts, I cuss at times, I yell, I don't do everything when I'm supposed to, I can be irresponsible and deceitful and I can be disrespectful.


Sometimes I wonder how some guy could love me.

I'm most scared that no one WOULD love me like my family does: ugly side and all.

I guess thats where the beauty of a love story comes in. The one of me and God, first of all. Then the one in which I would share the rest of my life with some OTHER imperfect being. THats why its so hard to believe God will ever give something so precious to me. It would have to be a God-thing for a love to hold two persons together in unity. Yet, he allowed me to have these dreams..

Welcome to the complete honesty of Sarah. A world that is packed full with sin, struggles and fights. Yet... she will be victorious... and that is because Jesus loved her enough to grab her hand and say, "Yes Child, you are nothing without me... But with me, we will conquere hell! Follow Me, daughter. I will give you life, and I will make you beautiful."

Suddenly, the Beast becomes a princess.