My life in a Poem

Deep inside my heart I know

a desire within me grows - 

to put away all youthful lusts

for holiness and righteousness.

Struggle still,  easy, no.

For I, myself, my greatest foe.

My heart to long for heaven things

my flesh to fight in opposing deeds.

All I long for is out of reach

the things I hate, I try unteach.

I battle for the sweet and pure

I've lost, I feel; my victory's sure

For by God's grace I move ahead

sometimes I lose, yet still not dead.

One day I'll walk tall and strong

as the Son revealed, my Glory has won.

2-3-11 -Sarah Faith. 

 

 

Curious George Meditates on the word of God

Hee hee.  I've been thinking about the title for my next entry for a while, and I keep coming up with Curious George.  I think it would be hilarious if they made a book about him meditating on the word of God.

"Curious George pulls out his bible.  He meditates, and meditates and meditates."
a few pages later....

the picture is still the same - He's at a table looking down at a Bible... but question marks are randomly placed around his head.

"Curious George meditated so hard that he couldn't get into any trouble."
"Curious George closed his Bible.... and went to bed.  The end."

Brought Low

Is it okay if I say that I'm feeling pretty indescribable?

Its been a pretty challenging time thus far, and O to wonder if that is the pace for this upcoming year of mine.

To face insecurities? To challenge lies?

To stare back, boldly standing in the gaze of my newest revealed fears?

Aha. Sounds so... honorable. So courageous. So brave.

But to me? It sounds ... painful. hah!


Yet, I want to learn what it looks like to have authority as a Daughter of God.

To pray and see things happen.

But my faith bust be grown.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

I most certainly am not complaining over life's complications and little complex situations we so often find ourselves in. But neither will you hear me pretend that these sort of things aren't trying, most of the time. Its a pretty real place to be with the Lord. He's got this big thing in mind, and in my little narrow-minded, compact self, I am unable to wrap my understanding around how sovereign He really is.

But ... though I do not hold the capacity for such knowledge, I DO have the capacity to believe it to be true. And you know how big that capacity is? It can be as little as a mustard seed. But Oh! The fruit it will bear in its due season!



Sigh. I don't know.


You know what?

I'm in this place where...

okay. Illustration.


I'm sitting.


In the prayer room, right? I have had a pretty.... "eh" week. Lets just say (if I can be perfectly honest) it hasn't been one of my most "be a super-christian!" weeks.

In fact - I have been seriously dealing with some sin issues in my life MAINLY ... because of my lack of guard. So, on this particular evening, not very long ago at all, I find myself walking into the prayer room with some anger inside. I'm angry at myself because of where I think I should be, and am not, AND, I'm a little hurt by a previous encounter with a friend.

AND ... I'm mad at myself for how the whole situation makes me feel.

So I'm sitting in the prayer room.

An hour goes by. Finally, towards the end of this hour, I finally begin to process.

How long am I really going to go like this? Really?

And in all my "ehhgh" feelings, I begin to really face the Lord.

And that's when He nudges my heart (Which has been condemning me all day at this point.)

Lord? I DON'T feel very spiritual right now. I don't even care to say this. In fact, I ... just absolutely don't get this whole grace and righteousness thing. \


And so goes my honest little heart with the Lord.

I've definitely been in the business of shocking people when I talk about how I sometimes talk with the Lord.

Hah. You know what? I've been doin this for 10 years of my life. I'm pretty sure that if God wanted to shoot me with a lightning bolt, he woulda done it already.

(sorry, sarcasm...and yet not mean sarcasm. just blunt.)

And to be honest? For me to talk this way with the Lord is the most humbling experience because I actually have to admit that I am not perfect. I have to admit that I don't measure up.

I spend my whole life being good at everything and measuring up and pleasing and being the favorite and the good one.

But the truth is?



I don't measure up. And? The standards aren't His. I'm accomplishing nothing in my own strength.


Figures.


And He whispers to me in the most tender, truthful way, "Sarah, its okay."



Its OKAY to be sitting in that chair in the place that I am. Its really okay.

And that's when I realize: I GOT NOTHING.

NADA!


ZIP!


ZERO!




NOTTTHING to bring to Him except exactly what I am at that very moment.

And what I have to bring is so ugly.

And then all I can think about is how I HATE this body.

I HATE this jar of clay.

There is SO much treasure waiting for ME, EVEN inside, that I don't know about and yet I have to deal with a shell of flesh that is tenaciously prone towards sin.


I got nothin.


Apart from Him, there is no good in me.


And as my heart began to grasp this little idea, the lights were turned down for the next set. And we began to sing this song:

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom


How wide, how deep, how great is Your love for me?


We sing it as a statement... but isn't it meant as a question?

Do we have the nerve to actually ask this of the Lord?



Who couldn't?!


Humbled?

hm.


I am indeed being brought low.

for sure.

BINGO

And as I was this Day

By Sarah Faithy, Early to mid 2005

Here I stand in happy gaze, the days are far not few
The sun is in my best, and the leaves, they're for me too.
The clouds, they swell with joyous pride, embracing light-heart phase
and as I was this day, my soul strains to seek Your face.

A day and two I sat therein, as it weeped outside
convinced was I, the clouds exposed what hid behind my eyes.
wretched was the world I saw, through my welled up tears
mangled in my disposition, I thus gave you my cares.

Hitherto I fight myself - that is, besides my foe.
for verbal deeds will nay get done, lest action be bestowed.
My will - the flesh. Stubborn, must die, submitting to it's place
though battered for severe mistakes, my soul was given grace.

Emerged - I did. the Sun was gray, as I beckoned forth.
My frame - cloaked in humility - my heart the brightest source.
For therein dwelt my love, my God, to which all else grows dim.
And though victory be mine that day, my soul, it dwells in Him.

I wonder if I'm the only one who seems to prophecy stuff over my life as I grow. Its like I'll say something but Jesus knew it would mean something so much greater as time went on.

I wrote this poem in 2005 as well.... but I had noooo clue that it would actually mean that I'd truly go through each phase. I had believed I had before! But there's something new about looking back on the things God was showing me a few years ago. Its that He knew what He would have me walk through.

I have to say, this poem is what my heart sings right now. Things seem so great when you're on a mountain top, but as you stand there, everything seems below you, you know? And if, like me, you've never experienced the kind the valley that it takes to keep you humble when you get to the next mountain top, you'll probably, like I do so often times, forget that you really NEED Him.

There are struggles we all inevitably must deal with - me? At this point in the game of life, my struggles are in my head. What lies will I believe? What truths will I speak over myself? Will I remember that the way I feel does not define what is true and will not shake the Rock I stand upon?

WILL I let my feelings shake me?

Hah. No.

I've found myself feeling some of the same anxieties I felt ermmm... probably the beginning of 2006. I remember feeling like my time would never come and I remember feeling like I was losing grip of something. I felt like all hope was lost - and well hey! A friendship was put on hold. One I cared deeply about.

But I'm different now. And I remind myself of that. And you know? The enemy is REALLY GOOD about bringing the past into the "Now" experiences. He's really good at bringing you BACK to something you've walked faaar far away from.

And the knowledge of this WILL be the end of this attack.

I am NOT who I was. I'm different now.

AND the situations are NOT the same now, as they were then.

And!!! HERE is the greatest thing of all!

I am NOT my emotions and my emotions usually DON'T tell the truth. They REFLECT what IS true - and what IS true is that I'm being reminded of the things that no longer ARE in my life and THAT must stop.

That right there is an amazing revelation if someone can wrap themselves around it... because I never would have even thought to think that way a year and a half ago.
I've come so far.

My emotions? They change. Over and over and over again. But they're not bad! They're a gift! But a wise woman will know that they are just to allow us to relate to Jesus more; NOT to lead us. Its the icing on the cake to feel something, good or bad.

So struggles - "Hitherto I fight myself - that is, besides my foe."
haha. Its so true.

But aaaah! How sweet victory is when you know that the One who has your back never forsook you? Instead, He cried with you, He laughed with you, He carried you, He shared with you in your sufferings..... and actually.... It was YOU who shared with Him in HIS sufferings because He's gone through it all before.


Isn't that just - amazing?!

He loves us!!!!! THE END.

Nothing can change it. It just is the way it is!

And you know? All my life all I focussed on was doing it right. Being right. Impress, impress, impress. I wanted to impress Him. I wanted to prove I was real. Wow. I actually... My entire life was spent proving things to people. I COULD climb a tree, even if I was a girl. I COULD beat the boys at their own game, even if I WAS a girl. I WONT EVER marry a potty (like the boys in kindergarten Sunday school used to tell me all the time) and FURTHERMORE, marrying a potty isn't even POSSIBLE, duh!?!. I AM an a plus student, I'm just bored with the freaking homework. I AM worth your time, if you would just give it to me. I AM talented I AM... I am I am I am by actions actions actions.


But Jesus.


JESUS is I AM.

And so now, I don't need to prove anything.
He delights in me just as I am.

No more proving anything. No more trying to be something I feel I need to be.
Now? Now He is showing me that His love for me is proof enough of who I really am. I am His.

Now all I need to do is be who He made me to be and to stay in His Love.
He loves me! He loves us. He's given us sooo much and He wants us to do something with it! But the world makes us prove that we have what it takes to be something great.

God isn't like that. WE have His love and His blessing, so we don't NEED to prove anything. Those two things are proof enough. So all we have to do is live in it and love in it and BE in it.

And you know?

We'll begin to glow.


Why?


Cause we'll be in love.

And isn't that really, the pursuit of every person on this earth?


BINGO.

Connect the dots, baby.

Thats why we're here.







AAAAAAHHHHH.



I thought I had emerged before, but this is different.

I think I might finally be catching something wild.
And you know?

So what if the sky is gray?

So what if everyhing around me is never going to be the same one day to the next?

I am His.

He is Mine.

He is Sovereign.

He holds all things together.

And I'll be okay.

And I'll be more then okay.

I'll be me.

And as I become me more and more, I'll be more like Him. And that'll be my witness.
But even then, I probably won't care. Because I'll be in love.
well.. I amm...


sheesh. I need to just stop. Or I'll go on forever.
Somedayyyy..... I will.


:)

Get back to Jesus, Kids. Grow up.

I've been feeling meloncholy as of late. Not because I'm depressed or having a pity party, but because I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately.

I've been thinking about how religious so many people are. I've been thinking about how two-faced so many of the people I know have become. I've never thought I was two faced, but to be honest, I HAVEN'T been honest. I put on the "everything is okay in love and ministry" face and that was never right of me. Its NOT okay in love and ministry. Its WRONG when it goes against God's word. And its WRONG when it causes disunity between His believers. One thing that God has laid on my heart as of late is the unity God wants for His followers to have with one another. We will be known by our love for one another.

Interesting.


Another thing: True love is revealed when hard times come and when its hard to love the people you say you love.


I've realized quite a few things with this truth: FIRST, that if you ask God to show you how to love like He does, He WILL, and it won't look like what you thought. And SECOND, many people do not know how to love the way God does.

I never knew this until the last year of my life.

When people say they love you, they really don't know they do until they DECIDE to love you anyway and PROVE that love through their acts of love towards any said person.

It has been a deeply saddening realization that what I have suspected to be true is true. I often love people more then they will ever love me. My naivety is that I believe they love me back in the same way I love them.

Something that hurts me as I watch many of my peers is that to them, (and even to me, to a certain extent) love is conditional.

I'll love you only as long as things feel good.

I'll love you only if you agree with me ALL the time.

I'll love you as long as you don't hurt my feelings.

I'll love you as long as you stay away from the person I like.

I'll love you as long as YOU take responsibility for why our relationship didn't work out.

I'll love you IF.

IF, IF IF.


I HATE THE WORD IF IN THIS CONTEXT!!


its BS.


God NEVER used IF when He told us to love one another. He NEVER gave His people, His followers a choice - a preference.

I love you EVEN if I can't be your friend right now because I don't agree with you.

I'll only love you IF you continue to go to the same church.

IF you try to work things out (like they have the right in the first place to assume that you didn't.)

IF you'll sweep the issues under the carpet.

IF you'll suck it up and go back to the people who critisize you the most.

IF you match up to MY ideal of courage.

IF you do things MY WAY.


I'm sorry... when did God say IF when it came to the unity of His body?

"Now thumb, you only have to help the OTHER fingers IF they can cordinate to what you're trying to do. If they aren't quite as cordinated as you, you can just be limp."

"Now hands, you only have to put your hair up in a pony-tale IF it works the first time. If not, you can let your eyes and mouth deal with having it wave all in its face."


What


THE


FREAKING


heck, guys?




Since when did God give us permission to slander each other within the church walls.


Yes! the church walls.


Are we not TEMPLES of a Holy Spirit?


Whether we contain anger or bitterness and how it not only then DWELLS in your temple but will then COME OUT and be taken in by OTHER temples of a Holy God?


Church, GET ON YOUR FACE.


You are NOT exempt from Judgment! You WILL stand before a Holy God and account for every person you ever gossipped about - every thing you DIDN'T do. EVERYthing you did. Every Idle you chased after. Every man you laid with, Bride!

Each ONE of us is guilty!! So who are we to pass judgment on each other if it is nothing to do with encouraging one another to do the right thing or building up each other with positive rebukes and true love and fruit coming out of the way we show conCERN for each other?!


YES I'M UPSET!


I'm not HERE to feel comfy in this religion where we can answer all the right answers and pretend we've got it all together cause, you know, we're saints now.


NO.



We'd BETTER be on our face repenting before a Sovereign God and we'd better HOPE that we're one of the sheep when He is weeding us out because I can assure you, the harvest is nearing with each day we waste living the New and Revised 21st Century American Dream reading our new americanized, de-sexualized, watered-down versions of a Bible we only buy because the covers are cool.


Guys?


I'm a freaking, damned to Hell - SINNER.


The only thing that makes me different is God's Grace that, praise the Lord, is in the business of transforming my heart to be soft and more like Jesus.

Without that, I'm done-fore.


But just because someone writes a convicting blog where YOU ASSUME they're NOT doing what they say the church should do, doesn't mean that they're not doing it.


You don't know where they meet God alone in their room.

You don't know what kind of prayer they dive into for the people they dont even know.

You don't know if they obey God even down to the little "pick up that piece of paper"s.

You DON'T know.


Its just YOUR responsibility to respond to God.

When God gives a word to you, you need to go before Him and deal with Him about your issues with people, and to be honest, ME.


Stop going to your "best friend". You don't even know how long God will bless you with that friendship. Stop going to "Your Mom". YOu may not know what kind of HER issues are rubbing off of you.

Stop going to "YOUR thought patterns". You're NOT always right and you never know what or HOW you are thinking may get in the way of the sort of things God wants to teach your heart.


I'm done with people not going to God about stuff. I'M done with that.


Now stop caring about what some dumb girl is saying and start wondering if God wants to speak to YOU through it.




For God's SAKE.

True Influence...

So last night was my last night at cornerstone chapel. My heart ached, my eyes cried. But it was one last, sad look on the place of, really, my spiritual youth.

I grew up in the way I should go, there.

But, though God is at work in the place where I've spent so much of my life, He's on to a new thing with me.


I scanned the place where I led worship so many times for so many different people. I took in the carpet that held so many of my tears as I sought some floor space.
I looked at the corner where I sat and prayed for so many people.
I sat in the chairs I never actually sat in very much because I was always in the sound booth running the computer or sound...

And I watched as my pastor - the one who showed me how to lead and pastor as I do now, get on his knees and wash both the new youth pastor and the new youth directors' feet.

I watched as 3 of the strongest men in my life openly wepped, being humbled in so many different ways.

I saw Jesus.


And so, as I took all of this in, I couldn't help but wonder - what sort of legacy did I leave?

None but a few people talked to be as I spent my last Wednesday watching everything go on around me.
I'm sure many have their opinions of me and my choice to leave. I'm sure many are glad. But then there were a few people, surprising as it was, whom I never knew would hug me with tears in their eyes and thank me...

My heart is overwhelmed with a sadness, a love, and a need to continue forward.
I loved these people. I still do. In so many ways I pastored them... as did all the rest of the youth leaders.

But God gave me charge over the 6th grade girls this year, thanks to Pastor Mark, and those girls were MY girls. :)

I grew so much as I taught them as best I could what God has been showing me. I probably grew more then they did.
But one thing I know... it meant more then anything to me when they each gave me hugs as I watched them deal in their own way with the fact that I wouldn't be there again.

Some were silly and acted normal.

Then there were just a few... just a few who sadly looked at me through those beautiful little eyes of theirs and told me they'd miss me and couldn't stop hugging me.

God!

THAT is God.

I could never have loved those girls the way I did without God's love... and that Love He first loved me with.

They mean soo much to me. Heh, no matter what I was going through each week, they were a constant reminder that I needed to just look past myself and my problems for a while to see the beauty of the Lord in each little heart as I listened to THEIR problems.


Influence.

11 years old and the Lord revealed Himself to me. I was 12 years old when He encountered me with His Spirit. 13 when I started thinking about missions. I was 14 when I knew I'd follow Him into the ministry. 16 when I began to lead worship. 18 When I began to truly pursue ministry as a life job... All of which Pastor Mark has only encouraged and helped develope as time went on. Now here at 19, the Lord thinks its time to move MY influencer on. He thinks I'm ready to be without him.

I think of how much Pastor Mark influenced my life... How much his life - the way he lived it, impacted mine.

And then I think of how for just the short amount of essential time I may have influenced these blossoming young women. What will they remember so many years down the line that may have impacted them?

I pray it was Jesus they saw.
I pray that the way I lived MY life, the way I conducted myself, is something they will consider, and that in some strange way, they'd imitate my faith, just as I have been trying to imitate PM's.

I hope that this part of my life would line up with Hebrews 13:7 -

Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith.

I guess you could say that I'm blown away by all God continues to show me about how important it is to represent Jesus to the world.
But you can't just start with the world first.

You must start small. Start young. Start with what God gives you.
Its sort of like the promise of Abraham that we go by - God will multiply us. I may not see the fruits of my labor, but those girls may. Praise the Lord.

:)

What peace, to know that in His time, God makes all things beautiful?

As long as for me, that beauty is in producing fruit, It'll be worth all the heart ache.

It'll be worth every tear.

I stand humbled, but I stand none the less.

... so, God has really dealt with me since my last posting. Ultimately, if I want to call the "90%" out for what they're not doing, God thought I should probably know about those who ARE doing something of good cause. Not only did He show me some good BIG causes, but he also revealed the smaller ministries that are loving on people every day. Like the oaks family care center? Yeah, those people are loving on teen moms, homeless people and teens who just need a loving guide.

I am so totally humbled right now.

I suppose I get so passionate about things that I forget that there ARE people doing stuff!! there really are, and that if I'm going to bash things, I need to get going by supporting those who ARE doing good things... who are making a difference, both the small ministries and the big ones.


So I sit here in the intern office for the last time as an intern, today.
I feel.... like crying. So much has happened here... so much of my growth. The thing is though... no one really cares about how much I've grown here except me. Thats okay though. What scares the living daylights out of me is whats going to happen next.

For the last month I've been scared of what my life might hold after the internship, but its just been the last week that God has given me new hope: He WILL use me where He wants to, and guess what? I HAVE THE TIME TO BE USED now.

I feel like as I walk out of here, I'm walking away from a form of spiritual boot camp that I'll never want to go through again. Whether it means that it was my last stretch of true training before God throws me out there, I don't know. The last thing I ever want to believe though is that I've somehow arrived.

I know more then anything though that I haven't.

Hm.

I want to write songs again. I want to write poetry again. I want to be inspired. I AM being inspired every day! The problem? Its not coming out OUT!! It just keeps going in and my spirit, my heart, my soul keeps turning it over and over and over again, but nothing is coming from it yet. I hope more then anything that something absolutely lovely comes from this since, once again, I wait for something awesome to happen. Maybe though the thought of the day is: Am I supposed to MAKE it happen? Is the miracle not that its a new day but that I have another day to be better then yesterday?

Good question.


One thing I've been thinking about lately though is: I guess we'll figure it out. Today, I spend it with Christ. As long as thats the case, I'll be okay with whatever comes my way. Just don't take Him away.

I've never known Christ the way I do right now. I'm so blown away by the love I have for Him. I never knew I could love someone like this. My only real problem is trying to figure out how to love people the way He loves me. It takes SO MUCH EFFORT to love people the way Jesus does. Its so hard! Well... its not if they're lovable. I think the less you know about someone the easier it is to convince yourself that you love them like Christ. But the real challenge is when you know them deeper or better then before. The deal is that Jesus knows the parts of us that WE don't even know exist yet... and He loves us despite that. I can't even compose myself quick enough when someone is imperfect in front of me for the very first time!

I'm such a worm. but I'll quote Winston Churchill here, "We are ALL worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm."

I am a glowworm if I must be a worm.

But even God made the worms, and he provides for them. How much more does God love us then, being as we are human beings?

I cannot even fathom it. I cannot even fathom what is the width, the depth, the heighth, the VASTNESS of His love for us. I guess it'll be a life-long learning experience to love people the way Jesus loves us. I hope to love on HIM a little more like He loves by the end of my little life.


I love Him.


Nothing can compare to what I have with Him after this crazy 10 months of wishing I never had to come back to the church; of crying myself to sleep at night; of struggling with God to forgive again, for today.

I walk away from this place more a woman then I've ever been before, and more a child then I will ever be in later years. I hope to grow younger as I embrace the joy set before me to endure any trial...

I just wonder that I'm not walking away with more than I think I am. I bet God has instilled in me more then I realize right now.

But one thing I did get out of this: I questioned whether I was truly called to full-time ministry or not.
I truly questioned it and I've concluded after much pain, many tears, several hard-knocks and a few trying doubts that, YES. God has called me more then ever before. I could not be satisfied any other way but then to give my life to further the Kingdom of God through any sort of ministry God calls me to.

I don't know. I hope my writings can go into a time of simply desperate pursuit of God and true poetry of the soul.

sigh.


until next time...

O Tree where art thou Fruits?

The Stand still.

That's where I am right now.

I'm at the stand still.


I mean, I'm not standing still in anything.... my relationship with God, every day that goes by, my jobs, the intern program... everything keeps going and coming to a slow, quick end. Well, the things that mean the most to me, that is. So much change. I'll be ending the intern program in less then 2 weeks. Its so weird that something that stretched me so much, something that I once was so excited to begin, something that was a whole 10 months, is now coming to an end.

But so much is coming to an end.

My time as a youth leader.
my time as a worship leader at Blast, the Race AND Contact.
My time as an intern.
My time at Cornerstone?

I'm not sure.

But one thing I DO know is, God offered me so many options. I was so confused until I realized He was just looking for a willingness to do ANY one of them for Him!
And when I was willing, God spoke to my heart. In the midst of all the transition at the church, in the midst of what seems to be my EMERGING into the calling of God on my life, in the midst of so much opportunity for ministry work!... would I step down if He were to ask me?

I do not remember the moment this happened. But I do know it happened. And I also know that at that moment, God allowed me to be guided by His peace, because He had offered me the option He wanted me to take, and He knew that if I was listening, I would follow.

And so here I am.


Honestly?


I'm terrified that I have no hold on my life.

A friend said to me, "you know why God asked you to step down and out? Its because you've put all your trust in your 'call' into ministry for your future instead of God." maybe that's not the exact words she said... but that's exactly how I heard it.

She is right.

I've never thought that maybe God wanted something different for my life other than "full-time ministry" as I knew it.

But, here is my hope and peace: as I've decided to step down, God has put in my heart a calling stronger then EVER to full-time ministry.
The difference? It might be to something totally and completely different then what I thought full-time ministry meant.


Now, I need to wait.

argh. I'm bad at waiting. I mean, I'm good at it for a little while, but then I get antsy after a while and by the time the waiting period is pulling through full-term, I usually have myself near convinced that I'm going to die from not doing anything.

But here's a very very valid thing: dude, you're not supposed to just wait around while you're waiting. You're supposed to create a JESUS CULTURE. You're supposed to create an environment around you. You're supposed to create something with what you've got.

Hello?! The parable of the servant and the talents? We're not supposed to bury the moment God gave us and wait for Him to give us another OR to come back! We're supposed to DO something with it!

SO many times I listen to people talk, talk, talk about how we need a revolution. How we need people on fire for God. How if people were REAL believers, the atmosphere would be different, there would be a mass difference in our culture.

And you know what I see? NOTHING. Talk, talk, talk and book after book after book, but NOTHING.

People read those books and go, "wow, that is soo true! That was good." But you see absolutely NO fruits. None. And this is uniform throughout our country from those who live a normal every day life to those who title themselves preachers, pastors, evangelists, and ministers.

And then I get challenged, "well you can't make that generalization, Sarah. You can't say that."

Oh YES I can.

Statistics say that 90% of Americans call themselves Christians. 90%!

The Bible says that we are not to be judgemental, but that we DO need to judge good from evil and discern the spirits AND tell a good tree by its good fruit and a bad tree by its BAD fruit OR by no fruit at ALL, like the fig tree Jesus cursed!

People who aren't Christians aren't to be judged by the standards God has set for us. They don't count here. Why? Because they don't count themselves as that 90%. Thank God for a LITTLE honesty here!

WE'RE counting the 90% of "Christians" in America.

The Bible says if 1 person can slay (or reach) 1000 that 2 people can slay (or reach) 10,000.

So, if this is true, we should see an increase of Fruits of that by 9000%.

Ministries and Churches couldn't be started QUICK enough to hold all the followers and believers! in 2005 a Bible software company took a survey to see what the percentage of users were missionaries. it was about 13%.

Now, if 13% of ALL Christians in America were just missionaries, do you know what kind of IMPACT that would have on our WORLD ALONE?!

I think its safe to say that the Church in America isn't doing their job.

Fewer and fewer young people ever come back to the churches let alone study to be ministers or pastors.

according to statistics done by Battle Cry, just 3% of all American students will be evangelical Christians in the up-coming generation.




That sucks.


So you know what? I'm not going to let the Church misrepresent Jesus Christ this way.

God asked me to wait on Him.
But He never made me an exception to His call for us to be His witnesses in all of our Jerusalem's, Judea's, Samaria's and to the ends of the earth!

Or how about our Niniva's? The places you don't want to go or be?

Guess what! I don't want to just stay here!

But God wants me to wait.

And so I will.

But I'm creative. If He wants me to wait, then this is a test of what I'm going to do with this waiting period of my life. Will I prove myself faithful and give it back to Him doubled? He gives me something that seems like nothing, but if I just be myself, I'll make it into something and isn't that twice as great as what it was before?

God never calls us to be dormant.

Never.


In fact, it has been said that satan's greatest deception is Christianity as it America knows it - lukewarm, boring, dull and the eqivilant of a spiritual Kansas - dry, seemingly fruitless and plain, but a necessary way to get to Colorado from Ohio. :-p


Thats not a true believer's walk, by any stretch.

Kansas isn't anyone's dream spot to live, and neither is it very pleasant to kiss dry, crackling lips.


A true Follower's life should be ample with Joy, green from the Holy Spirit who's called the water to every part of the soul. It should be full of trees of life, and of all the fruits of the spirit.
YES, there WILL be weeds and prickle bushes and trees that don't bear fruit or even bear BAD fruit at times, but God works those OUT of our lives! He really, really does; if we let Him weed them.

When we allow God to be everything to us, all of a sudden we don't need to force ourselves to be witnesses. we ARE a walking, showing, talking witness! Notice how I said showing? It'll be SO EVIDENT that Jesus is you're center beCAUSE you're so full of Him that you're messy - you spill Him EVERYWHERE! When you walk, you leave Jesus-Love tracks. When you hug someone, you get Jesus all over them. Where you walk, you've taken back Holy ground!
The fruits of the spirit will be good and guess what? People will eat from them around you. You'll IMPACT them. You'll be planting seeds just because you can't help it, and esPECIALLY if people can't help but eat of the fruits!



Dormant Christianity? It stops here.

It stops with me. I'll either be hot or I'll be cold, but you can count me out if I'm going to be like puke in God's mouth.

I challenge the Church to do the same.


Are you in? Or are you out?


Simple as that, O 90%. Simple as that.

After the Twenty First Time, Its time I got my hands dirty.

There's a song that has really impacted me a lot lately. Every time I hear it, it blows me away.

Monk & Neagle - The Twenty-First Time

Nowhere to live, nowhere to fall
He used to have money, but he’s wasted it all.
His face is a photograph burned in my mind,
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He sleeps under stars, that’s all he can afford
His blanket’s an old coat he’s had since the war
He stands on the corner of Carter and Vine
But I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He may be a drifter, he’s grown old and gray
But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

She’s twenty-nine but she feels forty-eight
She can’t raise three kids on minimum wage
She’s cryin’ in back of the welfare line
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

She may be a stranger tryin’ to get through the day
but what if it’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

This is a call for a change in my heart
I realize that I’ve not been doin’ my part
when I needed a Savior, I found it in Him
He gave to me, now I’ll give back to them

Drifter or stranger, father or son
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time

This song hits me hard in that... we SAY we love poeple. We SAY we're doing our best to be Jesus' hands and His feet...

but then, What are we like inside our hearts? What thoughts do we entertain in our brains?

Does it seem like you turn away and ignore whats going on around you, for the twenty first time?

You want to know why 21 is so important?

it means that 3 TIMEs, we as the body had 7 opportunties to be Jesus to the world.

and 3 times 7, we ignore the tug of the Holy Spirit.

the part that gets me about this song is that it can relate to us as idividuals, OR as the Body of Christ in one person. What the body does is what we do. We're His Bride. We are One Body.

So figuratively speaking, the Body has turned and looked the other way, rather then to get their hands dirty with someone else's sin.

How many times does the Lord get His hands dirty with our sins.

How many sins did he bear on the cross.

How many times did He hurt because of us,

and yet we think we're too high above to "stupe down the their level".

How many times do you think Jesus could have had that attitude... that He's too high above us to stupe down to our level?
How many times do we forget who God is and who He's call us to be?

We sing along to Hands and Feet by Audio Adrenaline. But what have we done besides say the words and go on with our lives?

Do you know that the band couldn't just write the song and do the same?

They had to LIVE IT OUT AFTER THAT.
They couldn't just be hypocritical. They started an orginization. They WENT places. They did THINGs. They got down and dirty and made a difference.

"But they're a band!" you say. "They can DO that stuff!"

So?

I'm a worship leader. Does that qualify me any less?

I'm a girl who loves Jesus. Does THAT qualify me any less?

I can't write this and not try to make a difference.

Can you read this and not be convicted to do the same?

I dare you to follow Jesus and be the outcast he's called us all to be with Him.

I'll try my best to be a voice in the dessert as the personality that I am and proclaim, "prepare ye the way of the Lord!"

In the name of Jesus so let it be done.

How fanatical are YOU willing to be?


Or are you even willing?

Whimsical - argh, she's daydreaming again.

I think I must start most of my blogs with the word "okay". Today, I did not. But this is merely because I caught myself!

I've been thinking something very thoughtful today.

What are the exact reasons God allows certain people to be apart of your life for what seems longer then the average "seasonal" moment?

Why are there certain people who are still in our lives when it just seems like they're fading out... but they just don't?

AND another thought:

Why do we care that they are?


I've thought about this before, but its slightly frustrating being as every time I do, its almost too much for me to comprehend.

Suffice to say that the Lord gives and takes things away. Why He keeps things around longer then we think He will, I cannot explain. Thats partly why I can't explain it, actually. I've tried to make sense, but really, the only way to make sense of things like this is to figure out the good reasons God may allow people to stick around... that, or allow YOU to stick around in someone's life.

I have to be honest. I'm feeling a bit caged in right now. I think I may go insane. I'm strangely colliding with an interesting idea that keeps being brought to my attention:

Just packing up and going.
Live on the faith of God.

Hmmmm.

Now thats a thought.

Problem? I'm a girl. I have no money, and who the heck would go with me?


Unless...... Unless I started saving money for the soul purpose of going somewhere.

now once again, THATS a thought.


So I started talking to this guy in Europe who did exactly that. He's living in London right now. The best part? He's getting his hands dirty in the ministries that are around. Sad part? He's only met 1 Christian so far as he's been out there. WHAT?! Is the opportunity that great? Is it screaming for crazy people like me to take it up and go?

It sounds so dumb! So So stupid to just leave. And I really just can't. HOWEVER.
What if I planned for it?
What if I got myself a companion or two. Someone to go with me? I can't just go alone!


Thats whats running through my head right now.

I could easily get connections to stay in places near Israel.
I could easily look up ministries and hostels that I could stay in.

I could SO easily share Jesus with anyone and everyone because HECK! Thats not even the CRAZY part of me being out there!

I just need to pray a lot.
I'm flying as high as I can here in ohio.

Its like me saying I'm flying as I as I can, for being in a cage.

Please don't get me wrong. My heart is not to complain! I just... need to do something so radical that I scare myself. I'm stuck in a very very sticky comfort zone. its so comfortable that I'm starting to feel UNcomfortable.

Is it possible? Could I maybe go at 20? maybe I spend the next year of my life finishing up this program and then head to Europe?

Wow.

I think I'm serious!

I know that it seems whimsical and on the whim, but I need to do something for the Lord. Something that may not be approved of.

I need to trust in the Lord in a whole new way.

I have this strange strange ... feeling about all of this though.
Could I do it?
Could I pull it off?

Could I do something that is so crazy that it truly scares me?

Could I prepare myself to do what Apostle Paul did?

Oh my dear Lord, I'm going to be praying about this...
AND


I'll be saving every penny from here on out, yo.

praying and saving. praying and saving.

Sarah needs a little time to pray.

she's starting to feel the same way that she felt when she has her head dead set on doing something.

I won't let myself get that far just yet, but lets just say that in this upcoming 5 months, I'm going to pray very hard and very considerably about the possibility of going on a trip of a lifetime.

This I will promise. I need a change.

I'm willing to take the risk that I might.


those of you who feel burdened, if any of you do at all - pray for me, will you? I'm really giving this stuff some thought.

The Warrior is a Child

I almost feel safe to write here since it seems like this blog is forgotten now. Good. I can write for myself.

My heart hurts. Kind of like how after an earth quake, the earth will have that one last rumble.. almost like a reverb of the real thing.

That's what I'm going through. I've been through the initial pain, but its like I'm getting that feedback - that reverb. I feel... sick.

Not sick sick. Sick. I feel so used. I feel so discarded - like no one could really love me... its all just fake. And really, that no guy out there that could love me the way I need to be loved, would be able to stay true... to give me his word, to commit to my heart. I feel so... beside myself.

Do not take this wrong:

Jesus is my ALL. ALL my hope is in Him. ALL my love is in Him. ALL my strength is in Him. He IS my joy. Oh is He ever my very present Joy!

But I regret my life this last year. I regret it because it was so wonderful. I regret it because I bought into it as though it were real, as though it were true. I regret thinking that I couldn't get any happier. I regret that I believed that I WAS happy. I regret trusting so much.

And, I regret that I set myself up for heartbreak. REAL heart break. Painful heart break. I'm STILL dealing with it. I STILL wake up early in the morning and cry myself back to sleep. WHY!?!

I regret that I'm not over my hurt yet. I regret that it still effects me.

Truthfully, I regret investing so much that it DID effect me.

And its no longer about the person who hurt me. All is forgiven. But now I have this backlash of emotional pain that I've never experienced before.

One thing I don't regret: I truly understand what it is to guard one's heart. I've always had a hard time understand how one does it. ALWAYS.

But today, at a young 18 years, I have found the secret to guarding one's heart.

Its by not investing in relationships with guys the same way one invests relationships with girls (and vice versa with guys). Its about keeping ALL young men at an arms length. Its about not letting them into the depths where poems are formed, where songs are written, where true prayers are conceived.

Its not because I don't like guys. ON the contrary! I feel WAAY more comfortable with guys then with girls.

But that's where its a problem.

Pointers Sarah has learned from eXPERIENCE, the HARD WAY:

*DO NOT get involved with a guy who is recently hurting over another girl. You'll set yourself up for being used.

*DO NOT let a person push your personal boundaries made by your own convictions! You'll regret it.

*DO NOT get involved right away, whether you've known each other a long time or for a little: give things time.

*DO NOT intentionally see each other every day. Its speeds up the process emotionally, but not spiritually. God's timing doesn't follow ours. Wait a year.

*DO NOT! date or court someone who has a RECENT history of getting into Noncommittal relationships and has a tendency to flirt with everyone. Don't be fooled. ANYONE can be nice and really friendly. But not everyone has self control. LOOK for one who does.

*DON'T allow someone to tell you they love you until they've proven it with patience and follows the exclamation with a proposal to be his wife forever.

*DON'T DON'T DON'T talk about marriage until you're ABLE to marry... OR until you've been proposed to.

*DON'T find it acceptable that a guy thinks your different from the rest of your family.

*DON'T think its going to work with a guy if you can't even communicate openly.

*DON'T even get serious with someone who your family either doesn't like and or, HE doesn't like your family.

*IF he doesn't fit in with your family, its not gunna work.

*...THE end.



Yeah, so that helped me vent a little.

I'm not mad. I'm not.. anything really. Maybe upset. Sometimes I wish I could just get out of here and find guys who aren't amazed that I'm Sarah, and aren't jerks and treat me like dirt. I just want real people. People I can connect to, you know?

I know people who love me, but I can bearly count the people who truly understand me. I can DEFINITELY tell you of the countless of people who said they understood me, who said they loved me, who said they cared, and are no longer a part of my life.

Interesting isn't it?


Hm. I'm in a confusing state. I'm not confused, I'm living in weird new world where I don't know what my next step will be. I'm not angry or unforgiving, I'm upset. I'm mixed up. I'm disoriented. I'm... hurt.

I'm not extraordinarily strong willed, I'm a child in a suit of armor.

THIS, my friends, is my song.


<

Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child

You've stolen my heart, yes You have.

My life is full. with Life.

My heart is whole. Of Love.

My body is sick. with a cold.


So God has REALLY been quietly working in my heart over this past month, and though I feel like popping my head to relieve the pressure, I'll say that Jesus has thoroughly stolen my heart.


First, with the sip, I've been just learning so much.

I've been learning how to love people when they're unlovable.
I've been learning to link arms with those that I don't exactly see eye to eye with. I've been learning that working closely with people who are my siblings in Christ is REALLY like working with my own blood family. You see all their faults, you see where you disagree, and you also see that you all love the Lord. I think we're learning as a group to protect each other and back each other up, like you would your own family. SURE! They make you mad. Sure! You don't like them some days, but at the same time, you KNOW them. You know them like alot of people do not, and you love them despite what you find out about them. We grow together. We're learning together.

For instance, I didn't know that the Bible said that you should have a THIRD party there when someone thinks they have a word for you.

Wha?!! Its true! What a revelation. Do you know how much of a mess that would clean up if the church started following that? No one ever told me this!

How about what the pastors have been teaching on and how crazy it is that its lining up with what I'm learning in my quiet time AND what I'm reading in the Purpose driven Life!

I'm tired of being so fake.

I'm not perfect.

THATS OKAY!

I'm trying to follow God!

THATS OKAY.

I'm in a lower position but raised up and held to a higher standard now.

Thats okay.

Does that give people the right to criticize me and feel that it is their duty to correct me? HECK no.
If you're not in my inner sphere of influence, then you don't. Of course I should be held accountable to the Body of Christ as a whole. But that doesn't mean that you should go around accusing people of things before you have knowledge on the subject as well as know the persons heart.

THAT right there, is NOT the character that God wants the Body of Christ to conduct themselves with.

You should use wisdom, discretion, discernment and prayer before you decide to talk to someone about what you may think is an outright sin.

And, if it is not, and if it is merely a personal offense to you, then GO to that person and explain the offense rather then accuse that person of a bad characteristic. Give your fellow Body-parts the benefit of the doubt.


This is what I've been having a hard time with, when it comes to people.
I get accused, I get publicly rebuked for a supposed outright sinful character and truly, I'm tired of it.

The fact is, if it isn't true, the people who do the accusing look like fools. But either way, that is NEVER how it should ever be handled. That is not done in love. I don't care who it is, if that person is part of the Bride of Christ, you should TREAT her with the same care... you should treat that person with the same care, period, and get off your high horse when you're being a donkey yourself.


Sigh. I'm just a BIT passionate about that topic right now. I won't lie. I might be a bit TOO passionate right now. I feel VERY strongly on that though. I've learned a lot of what NOT to do by being in those situational lessons.


I'm just really learning that God doesn't want us to TRY to look pure and perfect.

He wants us to BE pure and perfect.

To BE that, we have to LOOK like we're not, because the only time things get dealt with is when sin and crap is made manifest in light. It has to be open, down on the table.

It has to be seen for what it is - cause that's the only way we can humble ourselves. We gotta face our ugliness and own up to the garbage in our hearts.

We have to let God peel back the layers of our hearts and see ourselves what we truly are before God: ugly and rotting. Our souls were dead in our sins before Christ came and saved us all. But now we're in the process of renovation. We SHOULD be starting with the roots, the foundations of who we really are, and let God clean it out, from the inside out. But too many times, we spend our lives making the outside look good, making it look like everything is beautiful and perfect, but heaven forbid someone might go inside. Maybe the foyer looks real nice, but you'd better not let someone go into the family room of your heart. Or how about the kitchen? Don't let them see whats in your fridge - what you allow yourself to eat. Is it the music you know isn't good for you? How about the many hours you allow myspace to fill your brain? Is it MTV or The N? What is in your fridge that you gorge on?

What about your bedroom? YOUR haven? What is safe to you? What do you keep THERE? who do you let in there?

Or how about your basement? ... What dark things do you keep in the corners of your dank soul?


How long will we, the Body, hide behind our surfacy beauty and hide our insides from the only One who can help us clean it up?


How long?

Where does it start?!

When does it start?


It starts NOW.

And it starts with me. I'll let God peel me back layer after layer and reveal the garbage in my life.

And I'LL make a difference in this world, even if it only be me.

Why?


Because I'm real. And I want my fruits to be seen and smelled and tangeble and with seeds that plant themselves in the deepest and the hardest of grounds.


So let it be done.

And so let it be done in me.

Ouch

you know, Lord?

This sucks.

I feel used, I feel invisible and I feel like just another girl.
It sucks that I feel that way.
Of course, I asked You to use me. I shouldn't be complaining!

me: "Lord!! Use me Use me Use me!!!!!!"
God: "Okay!"

later...

Me: "God!!! I feel so used!"
God: "But you said.."
Me: ".....I'm sorry, this just...I feel like I didn't even benifit from this. I feel like all it did was hurt me and give me a lesson learned."
God: "Sarah..."
Me: "Wait.. I know I'm so selfish. I SHOULDN'T sit here and tell you I didn't get anything out of this and complain. But God... .... and I don't WANT to complain, and I'll try NOT to, Jesus! Its just that... and I know I deserve a lot of what I get, but ... why me? Of all the people who.. I guess the question really is why NOT me? Lord, this hurts, I don't understand but I give this to you. I trust You, Lord. I do. Its just hard. Give me joy."
God: "Sarah, I love you, darling. I will be gentle. You are strong in Me. You'll see. You will dance. You will shout. You will bring glory. Just don't forget Me now. Press on. You'll see My will in due time, dear Child. I love you."

Sigh.

here I am

screwed up

beat up.

feeling hung out to dry.

I feel like an idiot.

I wear my heart on my sleave.

I give and give, and then cry and hurt when people throw it back.
I want to NOT give... but... I'm meant to.
and I screwed up.
maybe thats why this hurts more... because of my choices.
I didn't guard my heart.


sigh.

but its not broken.
and I'm not strong.

But God Is.


thats all the reason I need.