Big Heart, Little Dreamer

"Me dreaming big right now is like a childs cardboard book hoping to be an epic novel one day. It could happen, right?"




I honestly feel the way Pooh looks like he's feeling in the sketch - unsure... but still willing to move forward since thats the only thing left to do.


I know this may sound ridiculous, but I feel boring.  And I may not actually BE boring so much as I find my life is boring.  I'm almost afraid to say that because it sounds like I'm not seeking God enough and thats my problem... but its not!  I'm walking with God and I'm reading my Bible every day... but I can't dream big at ALL.  I KNOW I'm meant for something big, and its an exciting feeling, but at this moment, I don't see anything fantastic about my life right now. 


 It LOOKS like I have no life.  (Because I really don't, truthfully.) 


 It SEEMS that nothing big is actually going to happen to me (but things aren't always as they seem, usually. Who KNOWS what God is doing in all of this.)


 And it FEELS like I'm not going ANYwhere (yet a month ago if you had told me that in a months time I wouldn't be with my boyfriend, I would cut my hair 6 1/2 inches shorter, I would put in my two weeks notice at FirstMerit and that I'd be working at a dentist office wearing scrubs and working with mentally handicapped people on the side AND that I'd lead worship for the first time for my church on a Sunday morning, I would have guffawed in your face.)


I sound absolutely absurd right now.  Who am I kidding?  My life is insane and it just took a drastic turn.  Yet my problem is - I'm very discontent with myself.
I don't see any big dreams in my heart.  In fact, I'm concerned because I don't even seem to be able to conjure up any big dreams at ALL.
Whats with me?
And my question for God at this point is, "What do you want from me?"
I'm faithful, I'm trying desperately to live righteously before Him.  I'm doing all I can do to pull myself together.  I'm reading my Bible every day, I'm talking to Him in my car.  Yet I'm unsatisfied.  


I think God just wants ME.
I've been busying myself with doing all thats required of me, but He doesn't require the "doing", He requests the "BEing".  


So here I am.


Finger to my chin, head cocked slightly, staring in the direction that I inevitably must go. 


"Think, think, think, think.  Oooh bother."


Its just where I am right now.

Love with no Expectations

Love with no expectations of it being reciprocated.

This idea has been presented to me over this last year and as painful as I know it must be, I remember telling God I wanted that kind of Love.
Interesting, He always seems to answer those kinds of prayers.

I think its loving people with no condition. There is actually no option to NOT love them. We are called to love one another - it is exactly what sets us apart. It is part of the great commandment Jesus gives us to love God and then to love each other, as WELL as later saying that we will be known as disciples because of our love for one another.

But what does that look like?

Do we really know our true tendency towards the opposite of love?

Do we really get how selfish and self centered we really are?

Submission.

What does THAT look like?

What does Love look like?

huh.


How about speaking the truth in love?

Or having love that is genuine and sincere?

Or what about actually SAYING "I love you" to people we really do?
Or saying "I love you" to people we really don't?


I would venture to say we should be offending ourselves with the flippancy we throw around the very nature of God.

hah! Romans 12 says, "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."

What DOES that look like, really?




hm. I don't know. All I know is that the Lord is calling me to love - WITHOUT expectation. Honoring my brothers and my sisters in the Lord. Being full of integrity towards them and guarding their hearts before Christ.

Sigh.


It really sucks though, when people don't get how important that stuff is... because then Love isn't as sacred or beautiful to them as it is to me, then is it?

Hah!

I think we just need to get to know God more.

That would solve everything, really. :)

Yes it would.

He Paints One Stroke & the Sky Goes Crazy With Love...(A Stroke of Genius, Perhaps?)

So last night I had a lot to think about.

I think I was taking in a meshing of personalities and I was rather agitated that everyone was in my face. This of course is to be expected when your family is mine.

But this morning after the first few hours of becoming awake, things began to hit me and my heart became thankful.

First, just being able to watch people interact with each other. Have you ever noticed that some people can just pick up and become fast friends and the whole room becomes a bustle of jolly commotion as everyone picks around each others' personalities just to find to their delight, that they all enjoy each other and accept each other for their very crazy if not brazen self?

Once, while I was growing up, I was ashamed of how my family was. No one else's family was like mine - that was BAD cause everyone else acted like we were maniacs or something.

BUT - over the past 2 years, I've not only come to terms with how my family is, I rather feel sorry for people who can't handle so much craziness and love.

How do they enjoy their boring, routinely lives? One might argue if they're really living at all.

One thing I rather delight in is how one personality can pull another personality out of hiding.

Its one of the most beautiful things for someone to just accept that they are a certain way and that GOSH! ITS OKAY TO JUST BE YOU!!!!

I think my family is good at that. We most definitely have our problems, HA! Let me be a witness of that! BUT! We're always moving. We're always learning and changing. We have (for the most part) open hearts.

So this is what triggered a thought process of how God, in essence has surrounded himself with... Himself. He Himself is the ESSENCE OF beauty and so ergo, everything He does is beautiful.

I was driving home on 271 and what encountered me as I approached the top of a particular hill was something that took my breath away - a wild dash of orange, pink blue and purple with a swirl of yellow somehow blending in every little corner that was not covered.
The sun screamed orange.

The sky was marveling. It was almost as if every single moment was a span of universe happening and if you blinked you had missed some form of divinity. I swear the sky was glowing and in love.

Ha, and then He said ever so simply, "Its for You."

Of course without missing a single beat I replied, "Well, Yeah... and everyone else you made it for ... AND me... of course!" in between gasps of awe and reminding myself I should probably breath too.

But He plainly restated, "Its for You."

And that's when it hit me:

What did it matter if it could be for anyone else too? God is a sovereign God! Its all the more immaculate that He could have made it for me and ANYONE ELSE He wanted to love on in that little place in time where human met Jesus.

And thats where I was humbled. The live painting was for me. It was between Jesus and His bride. I'm not just single. I'm plural. Its for me just as much as it is for any other part of His Bride. It doesn't mean He would love me any less, He loves ME. He loves US. Of COURSE its for me!


He is awesome.

And, there, on Remsen Rd, I began to cry tears of thankfulness.

He Loves Us.


He really does!


And THIS BLOG is NOT to cancel out my last post!

In one hand the Lord invokes true Justice to all the nations AND to all the peoples.

But, in the OTHER hand, He offers mercy and this crazy grace that says if you repent and confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, He will NOT overlook that!

And for us, as a broken people to get ON OUR FACES before a holy God, is to give Him honor and to show Him real reverence, which, by the way guys, we have NO business losing since, last I checked we're all STILL dirty rotting sinners without Him.

Anyway,

I leave you with this:


Heh. :) He loves us if we are open to Him giving us His love.

Now... If we could get the hang of loving Him back.....

I stand humbled, but I stand none the less.

... so, God has really dealt with me since my last posting. Ultimately, if I want to call the "90%" out for what they're not doing, God thought I should probably know about those who ARE doing something of good cause. Not only did He show me some good BIG causes, but he also revealed the smaller ministries that are loving on people every day. Like the oaks family care center? Yeah, those people are loving on teen moms, homeless people and teens who just need a loving guide.

I am so totally humbled right now.

I suppose I get so passionate about things that I forget that there ARE people doing stuff!! there really are, and that if I'm going to bash things, I need to get going by supporting those who ARE doing good things... who are making a difference, both the small ministries and the big ones.


So I sit here in the intern office for the last time as an intern, today.
I feel.... like crying. So much has happened here... so much of my growth. The thing is though... no one really cares about how much I've grown here except me. Thats okay though. What scares the living daylights out of me is whats going to happen next.

For the last month I've been scared of what my life might hold after the internship, but its just been the last week that God has given me new hope: He WILL use me where He wants to, and guess what? I HAVE THE TIME TO BE USED now.

I feel like as I walk out of here, I'm walking away from a form of spiritual boot camp that I'll never want to go through again. Whether it means that it was my last stretch of true training before God throws me out there, I don't know. The last thing I ever want to believe though is that I've somehow arrived.

I know more then anything though that I haven't.

Hm.

I want to write songs again. I want to write poetry again. I want to be inspired. I AM being inspired every day! The problem? Its not coming out OUT!! It just keeps going in and my spirit, my heart, my soul keeps turning it over and over and over again, but nothing is coming from it yet. I hope more then anything that something absolutely lovely comes from this since, once again, I wait for something awesome to happen. Maybe though the thought of the day is: Am I supposed to MAKE it happen? Is the miracle not that its a new day but that I have another day to be better then yesterday?

Good question.


One thing I've been thinking about lately though is: I guess we'll figure it out. Today, I spend it with Christ. As long as thats the case, I'll be okay with whatever comes my way. Just don't take Him away.

I've never known Christ the way I do right now. I'm so blown away by the love I have for Him. I never knew I could love someone like this. My only real problem is trying to figure out how to love people the way He loves me. It takes SO MUCH EFFORT to love people the way Jesus does. Its so hard! Well... its not if they're lovable. I think the less you know about someone the easier it is to convince yourself that you love them like Christ. But the real challenge is when you know them deeper or better then before. The deal is that Jesus knows the parts of us that WE don't even know exist yet... and He loves us despite that. I can't even compose myself quick enough when someone is imperfect in front of me for the very first time!

I'm such a worm. but I'll quote Winston Churchill here, "We are ALL worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm."

I am a glowworm if I must be a worm.

But even God made the worms, and he provides for them. How much more does God love us then, being as we are human beings?

I cannot even fathom it. I cannot even fathom what is the width, the depth, the heighth, the VASTNESS of His love for us. I guess it'll be a life-long learning experience to love people the way Jesus loves us. I hope to love on HIM a little more like He loves by the end of my little life.


I love Him.


Nothing can compare to what I have with Him after this crazy 10 months of wishing I never had to come back to the church; of crying myself to sleep at night; of struggling with God to forgive again, for today.

I walk away from this place more a woman then I've ever been before, and more a child then I will ever be in later years. I hope to grow younger as I embrace the joy set before me to endure any trial...

I just wonder that I'm not walking away with more than I think I am. I bet God has instilled in me more then I realize right now.

But one thing I did get out of this: I questioned whether I was truly called to full-time ministry or not.
I truly questioned it and I've concluded after much pain, many tears, several hard-knocks and a few trying doubts that, YES. God has called me more then ever before. I could not be satisfied any other way but then to give my life to further the Kingdom of God through any sort of ministry God calls me to.

I don't know. I hope my writings can go into a time of simply desperate pursuit of God and true poetry of the soul.

sigh.


until next time...

Whimsical - argh, she's daydreaming again.

I think I must start most of my blogs with the word "okay". Today, I did not. But this is merely because I caught myself!

I've been thinking something very thoughtful today.

What are the exact reasons God allows certain people to be apart of your life for what seems longer then the average "seasonal" moment?

Why are there certain people who are still in our lives when it just seems like they're fading out... but they just don't?

AND another thought:

Why do we care that they are?


I've thought about this before, but its slightly frustrating being as every time I do, its almost too much for me to comprehend.

Suffice to say that the Lord gives and takes things away. Why He keeps things around longer then we think He will, I cannot explain. Thats partly why I can't explain it, actually. I've tried to make sense, but really, the only way to make sense of things like this is to figure out the good reasons God may allow people to stick around... that, or allow YOU to stick around in someone's life.

I have to be honest. I'm feeling a bit caged in right now. I think I may go insane. I'm strangely colliding with an interesting idea that keeps being brought to my attention:

Just packing up and going.
Live on the faith of God.

Hmmmm.

Now thats a thought.

Problem? I'm a girl. I have no money, and who the heck would go with me?


Unless...... Unless I started saving money for the soul purpose of going somewhere.

now once again, THATS a thought.


So I started talking to this guy in Europe who did exactly that. He's living in London right now. The best part? He's getting his hands dirty in the ministries that are around. Sad part? He's only met 1 Christian so far as he's been out there. WHAT?! Is the opportunity that great? Is it screaming for crazy people like me to take it up and go?

It sounds so dumb! So So stupid to just leave. And I really just can't. HOWEVER.
What if I planned for it?
What if I got myself a companion or two. Someone to go with me? I can't just go alone!


Thats whats running through my head right now.

I could easily get connections to stay in places near Israel.
I could easily look up ministries and hostels that I could stay in.

I could SO easily share Jesus with anyone and everyone because HECK! Thats not even the CRAZY part of me being out there!

I just need to pray a lot.
I'm flying as high as I can here in ohio.

Its like me saying I'm flying as I as I can, for being in a cage.

Please don't get me wrong. My heart is not to complain! I just... need to do something so radical that I scare myself. I'm stuck in a very very sticky comfort zone. its so comfortable that I'm starting to feel UNcomfortable.

Is it possible? Could I maybe go at 20? maybe I spend the next year of my life finishing up this program and then head to Europe?

Wow.

I think I'm serious!

I know that it seems whimsical and on the whim, but I need to do something for the Lord. Something that may not be approved of.

I need to trust in the Lord in a whole new way.

I have this strange strange ... feeling about all of this though.
Could I do it?
Could I pull it off?

Could I do something that is so crazy that it truly scares me?

Could I prepare myself to do what Apostle Paul did?

Oh my dear Lord, I'm going to be praying about this...
AND


I'll be saving every penny from here on out, yo.

praying and saving. praying and saving.

Sarah needs a little time to pray.

she's starting to feel the same way that she felt when she has her head dead set on doing something.

I won't let myself get that far just yet, but lets just say that in this upcoming 5 months, I'm going to pray very hard and very considerably about the possibility of going on a trip of a lifetime.

This I will promise. I need a change.

I'm willing to take the risk that I might.


those of you who feel burdened, if any of you do at all - pray for me, will you? I'm really giving this stuff some thought.

Compilations of Contemplations.

I think what really got me thinking was when Joe and I talked while I ate. I like his friendship. What got me thinking was how he opened up to me. I think I did a good job of hiding my surprise, but it just took me back.

I hope God uses me any way he can with Joe, because I'd love to see him find Christ. Or rather, hehe, be found. "For you did not choose Me, but I chose you..."

I don't know. I just sit back and think, "what happened?" I mean, who is this girl I've become? I'm quited within myself. I take time in processing my thoughts. I'm supposedly "Miss Sunshine". Whats with guys and my smile? I mean, I have guys (yes, more then one) telling me that as long as they can make me smile, they're happy. Who is this girl who seems to have a smile that makes guys happy just to see? Have I been THIS ignorant about and to myself? heh... I was told by my manager (on behalf of all of my managers) that they really appreciated all I do. I must have turned 10 shades of red; like all the other times something is said about me in FRONT of me. I don't know how to react! I mean, I suppose I say thank you, but it doesn't seem like that's the right answer. You wanna know what my instinctive answer is? Laugh nervously, totally disagree whether its right or wrong and bolt! Who is this girl? This girl who will plug herself into a book and not come out for hours? This girl who used to be able to talk on the phone for hours, but no longer has the energy? This girl who would do SO MUCH MORE for her family but gets her joys dashed when she's EXPECTED to do the very thing she wanted to do quietly as a gift?

WHO IS THIS GIRL?

who is this girl who has no problem helping ANY body out with chores whether at home or at work? Why do I do the things I do? I know what kind of person I am. How do I come off so sweet to people? I'm a selfish twisted child. Who is this girl who comes off so opposite of what she is on the inside?

Who is this girl?

I wonder if it would be blasphemy to say that the Who is Jesus.

Jesus isn't the GIRL, Jesus IS, the girl. That means that I... I, the girl am all I can be to be Jesus. He is everything. I'm nothing without him. That means He is my all.

I'd be dead if it weren't for Christ in my life. I know I talk about the fact that I used to think about suicide alot, but I bring it up because it is my boast story! I'm boasting in the way God saved me from myself. I would have been dead! I could have been dead. Then I wouldn't have been here asking the most simple, obvious, profound question of myself. Who is this girl I call myself?
I'm kind of tired of saying, "I don't know."
I've cliche'd it, haven't I? hehe.
I think I'm ready to say something different though. Because you know what? It wouldn't be truthful anymore to say I don't know who this girl is.
I have to start being truthful to myself about myself.

Pastor Jeff said something extremely profound this morning and I just sat there and went, "wow.."

He said firstly, "Don't tell yourself where you THINK you are, be honest enough to admit to yourself where you really are."

And then He said, "Its God's grace that makes it okay for us to BE where we are! Its okay! Because God says, "Child! Its okay to be where you are! Because I'm going to take you to where I AM."

You know where I am?

I am at a place where I so fully know that I'm a sinner and I don't deserve dirt. I'm a crumb-ball inside. I could be so miserable of a person. I'm a pain in the butt during certain times alone! All the time, I could be and have a tendency to be miserable and low and depressed.

I'm still figuring myself out, and that alone is humbling. I think I should have myself figured out by now. But I still can't find why I do some of the stuff I do, why I feel the way I feel and why I can't shut up once in a while.
I have a spiritually High day and the rest of the week is LOW and frustrating. I get disappointed easily because my expectations are so high, whether they're good expectations or bad ones. Whether they're realistic or not. I hurt easily for some people, and for others I have no compassion whatsoever. Whats with that?
I hate where my life is for the moment, and yet I could never turn back now. I'm on a fast pace transition.
My opinions are peppered with perspective and salted with a straight and narrow mind. How does that work?! I like attention I shouldn't thrive on but do,
I act coy and calculated with perfect comebacks, and yet I am so naive and ignorant and blush over the reactions I get from my OWN actions. When did I become more then a young girl? How did it happen that things I used to do and were so innocent are now something of an art of flirtation?

Lord!!! Can I still be innocent before you?! Can I be a vessel of purity in this stain-glassed world?

Who do people think they are?

this is a very sincere question.

Who do you think you are?
I bet that if you tell yourself what you think you are, you're probably off, whether you think too highly of yourself or too lowly of yourself.

You know what the difference between me and every other person in the world?
I don't have to answer the question because Jesus answers it for me.
I have someone to look up to. I have something to live for. I have a purpose to stand on. I have a reason to live. Its Jesus.
Its ( on of my purposes being) every other person besides me who needs to find Jesus and to be found by Him.

I want Joe and all the other people who know they don't look up to anyone to have that reason to live too.
I want him to look up to the One I look up to. I want him to find that rest. I want him to reach deeper and respond to the question, "Who do I think I am anyway?" and say, "I don't care who I think I am. All I need to know is what Jesus thinks I am. And I Am His."

hm.

Ultimately we are, aren't we? We're ALL His. But He gave us free will, and that's where we fell. So whether we end up in hell or in heaven, we're still ultimately His.

I like to think I resemble Him just a little.

Jesus? take a look at me like a mirror. What do you see, Lord?

"I see Me."

"really?"

"Really, Beloved. And I see you. And I love you just the way you are, stains and all. For you once were a sinner, but now you are My Child. You are a dancer. Be free. Make the Sun shine brighter. Love on them, one by one, Sarah, just like I would. Just like I did. Just like I am. Just like I always will."

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. Amen and Hallelujah!

Great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me.