My life in a Poem

Deep inside my heart I know

a desire within me grows - 

to put away all youthful lusts

for holiness and righteousness.

Struggle still,  easy, no.

For I, myself, my greatest foe.

My heart to long for heaven things

my flesh to fight in opposing deeds.

All I long for is out of reach

the things I hate, I try unteach.

I battle for the sweet and pure

I've lost, I feel; my victory's sure

For by God's grace I move ahead

sometimes I lose, yet still not dead.

One day I'll walk tall and strong

as the Son revealed, my Glory has won.

2-3-11 -Sarah Faith. 

 

 

Curious George Meditates on the word of God

Hee hee.  I've been thinking about the title for my next entry for a while, and I keep coming up with Curious George.  I think it would be hilarious if they made a book about him meditating on the word of God.

"Curious George pulls out his bible.  He meditates, and meditates and meditates."
a few pages later....

the picture is still the same - He's at a table looking down at a Bible... but question marks are randomly placed around his head.

"Curious George meditated so hard that he couldn't get into any trouble."
"Curious George closed his Bible.... and went to bed.  The end."

Warrior Dancer is Presented with Destiny.

I have got to say, (and I know that this may even sound slightly dramatic, but stick with me) turning twenty-one was a huge milestone for me in the spirit.

Hah. Like the way I start my entry off? With a big, resounding, weighty statement.

Its true.

I have this journal. It was given to me the Christmas before I turned 18. I had seen it previously at a book store and thought to myself the moment I saw it, "THAT is the ONE."
THEN... I looked at the price and my following thought was, "That is NOT the one."

I remember my shoulders slouching. It was def. disappointing.

Then, I received a special gift from a friend I didn't expect a gift from: It was the exact journal, color and all. She had said she felt led to give it to me by the Lord.

When I saw it I thought to myself, "This journal will get me from my 18th year to my 21st year. I just KNOW it."

And I knew that, starting that lovely, genuine-leather-bound book, I was starting a special phase in my life. I titled my 7th journal, "My Story" and I knew it would be just that: a story.

And it was. I am so surprised what that journal reveals about my growth in the Lord. Its a very precious thing.

But... come my birthday, I was 2 pages away from being done. And I want to share with any of my fellow believers and also my readers what the Lord very specifically did to make my birthday a milestone in the spirit.

My birthday was quite uneventful. I didn't even get carded when I ordered a glass of wine with my lovely dinner with my parents!!!!

But, in the afternoon, I decided I was going to splurge my time and sit down and watch the movie rendition of Lord of the Ring's Return of the King.

About half way through the movie, Aragorn, heir to the throne of Gondor, is presented with the King's sword - the sword that defeated evil once, and would defeat evil again. The sword has a distinct symbolism of Aragorn's destiny. Elron, lord of the elves who had been at the first battle when the sword had been shattered, had welded it back together and came to Aragorn with it.

The scene is that Elron approaches Aragorn and holds out the sword with both hands. He tells him, "the time has come".

Aragorn hesitates for only a moment before he reaches for the sword and pulls it swiftly out of its sheath and its in that second Aragorn chooses to step into his destiny as King. And he COULD choose NOT to... but really, he's at a point of no return. The way to move is forward. Its inevitable that He would move into that role, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

See, because there's no turning back. He might have turned back when he met the hobbits for the first time and knew that they were being followed by Evil. He might of chosen to leave when he got them to the Elves in Rivendale. But he didn't. THAT is when He could have chosen a different way. But the presentation on the sword only came when it was clear He was too far in - and he was sold to seeing this through.

So. Thursday, the day after my birthday, I'm at the house of prayer and I'm being stirred to intercede for Cleveland. Thinking about Psalm 93 - Holiness adorns Your temple, Oh Lord, forever.
I was stirred deeply and thus made a painting of a tsunami wave of the Spirit and of Life and of Fire about to crash down on 4 main "temples". Individual hearts, Households, The Churches and the City. The second set began at 10, and within about 20 minutes of the set beginning, Carol (one of our night watch prayer-warriors) comes to me, gives me her usual, joyful hug and as I pull away, she says, "I HAVE something for you... for Your birthday!" with a twinkle in her eye.

She then pulls out a pair of worship flags and presents them to me with both hands. Now... this is not the first time I have received a worship flag. I'm a firm believer that God equips the one's He calls. The first time I was given a flag, it was by someone I had never met before and the Lord very specifically told her to give me a specific worship flag - an "angels wing" of sheen purple. Prophetic colors are important - and this color means, "Royalty". My name, Sarah, means princess. Flags are for designating tribes, etc etc. If you lose your place, look for the flag, and go back to your place. A flag bearer, then, is one who holds up their identity high, and mightily, especially in times of war.

The flags Carol gave me are a sheer and glimmering white, and the one is bordered on either side in blue - with a Star of David on the front. When Carol unrolled it for me to see the star, the Spirit nudged me and I thought, "This means war."

And it was then that I knew - I'm a warrior in the spirit, and when I dance, I break down barriers, shatter strongholds and dance upon injustice - my dance is a prophetic gift just as my "painting pictures" is, or singing over people etc etc.

And The Lord gave me a picture of 2 armies going out to meet one another in a massive field. The adversary was already in place. The other side was the army of the Lord. People and angels of fall sizes and ranks. They were marching forward to take their place. But about 100 paces forward, there was a dancer. She was in a white dress with a flowing skirt, and she had a sash of red and blue - red symbolizing Salvation, and therefore, grace. And Blue symbolizing the Spirit like water - being baptized thereof. And she had 2 multi-colored streamers that were like smooth rainbows. And she was whirling and leaping and twirling about and her sash of blue and red would sometimes look purple - which symbolizes her identity and her rank. She is clearly a child of God. And her dance was very clearly a war dance. And Joy surrounded it in such a way that you knew who's army she was apart of and you also knew which army would win. It was a victory dance. And it was intense and strong and very very mighty.

She was the only dancer in that part. But the message is that she is not the only one in the body of Christ. But for this vision, she was set apart to designate her specific role. She was alone. She was closer to the enemy. She was on the very forefront. She saw it clearer then the army did. And? She was not afraid. In fact - the enemy could not, by spiritual law, shoot at her. She was under protection. The enemy could not touch her. It had no leeway to do so. She seemed to dance in the confidence of that protection. Her protection was peace. She was not worried or afraid. She was light and free.

THAT calling - that destiny - that place ... in the spirit, Is mine.

And I'm blown away at the privilege I have to be given a position of a flag bearer and a dancer.

Does that really change how I look in the physical? Nah. :) I'm doin the same stuff I know I'm supposed to. But I'm entirely overjoyed at the clear direction and placing I have in the army of the Lord for this season and time of my life. I don't quite know what it'll look like, but I think that's why I have a new journal - so I can record it all as I figure it out and go along. :)


Anyway. that's about it. I know this was a particularly long blog, but nevertheless, a thorough one at that.

Blessings - Sarah

Going Up In Rank

In the last month or so, the Lord has been doing some deep, deep things and I'm not even sure how to explain it.

He's building a contentedness to wait on Him. He's building steadfastness amidst emotions and stress. He's building His character in me. And I'm beginning to notice that my hope is no longer in things that will disappoint me, but it is in Him.

This weekend, some things hit me and I know I THOUGHT I should have been more effected by them but... What a freedom that God is what I put my hope in, and I trust Him in all His sovereignty! Its so awesome to realize that I'm not the way even I expected I would be because God has been working underneath the scenes in my life.

I have no clue how to explain it, but the hours of sitting before the Lord in prayer or just... BEING with Him, are transforming my entire person. I have never known the kind of growth I'm experiencing right now. I want silence and not distraction. I can't help worshiping Him the more I know of Him. I can't help desiring to serve. It is out of the overflow of my love with the Lord that I desire to do everything I am called to in ministering the His people and the people that aren't His yet.

There have been some truly defining moments that I would like to write out here.

The fact that I've been so financially stressed has been what I would call a "kick-start" into what God has in mind to work in me.

I guess I tend to depend on myself to be ahead of the game when it comes to my finances. So when things happen that are out of my control, I immediately have to go into a mode I need to be more practiced in: trusting God's sovereign way of provision.

It was a movement forward motivated by situations that would most simply just bring me to the end of my own abilities and strengths. Patience. I'm finding the end of my own portion. hehe.

Last Sunday (not yesterday) I had a time in the prayer room where the Lord reaaaaaalllllly did some surgery on my heart.

As my friend put it yesterday, "God knew that it would be too painful for me to reach His hand so deep and remove such a deep rooted lie in my heart. So He put me to sleep." And that's the truth. I sat for 2 hours pouring out my heart to God.... and then, when no words could say anything more, the Lord put me to sleep, where I was still partially aware of the music, but resting. I woke up with a jolt, and I knew I was better.

Then, this last week, God ranked me quite a bit in His army. Wednesday, I had people praying for me while we fasted, and God did a major "enlightening the eyes of my heart" moment. It has to do with Jeremiah 1:9-10.

Then the LORD stretched out His hand and touched my mouth, and the LORD said to me, "Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have appointed you this day over the nations and over the kingdoms, To pluck up and to break down, To destroy and to overthrow, To build and to plant."

I was reading a book called "Shaping History through fasting and prayer" and it put something in such a way that a little "DING" happened.

When God speaks, things happen. His Word IS happened. But many a time, the Lord, instead of just speaking, He desires His people to come into partnership with Him. So - He puts His words in their mouths and when THEY speak, things happen. But I'm just overcome by the crazy thing that has to do with Christ having all things under His feet by the power that raised Him from the dead and also by His mercy and loving kindness, WE are seated with Christ in glory and therefore, all His authority has been given to us, as we have taken His name. When we bless, it is blessed in heaven and on earth. When we curse, it is cursed in heaven and on earth. MAN. Our words are powerful. And when we tap into the heart of God to JOIN Him and SPEAK His intercessions?! WE MOVE THINGS. And so, THIS verse for Jeremiah the prophet was commissioned to me.

I'm not just a soldier in God's army. I've been ranked in a certain field that is my very specialty - and its speaking the Word that has been put in my mouth to move mountains in the heavenly realms. Overspiritualized? No. Its Supernaturally natural. This IS the normal life of a true believer.... and? I LOVE it.

God is just doing such a good work in my heart. Its just Him and me. There's no one else in the equation. No thing else to worry about.

Its just Him and me, and He is romancing my heart with His love for me. I'm learning how to be free in loving Him back. Its... been the best Valentine's day ALL MONTH. And isn't that how God is? Why wait for Valentine's day when you can have it EVERY day? And? Everyday is not the same. Its always a new adventure. I'm so glad. I'm just... sooo glad. :)

Two songs that really impacted me.

First one is "Here in the Waiting Room" by Misty Edwards. Its the song that played that very defining Sunday a week or so ago.

Here in the Waiting Room
Here in the waiting room
Of unanswered prayer

I feel like sometimes I will explode here
But I can't leave this place of waiting
I can't leave this place of expecting
You've pinned me down
You hedged me in

God I confess that I feel trapped
There is no way out
But God You know that I would never run to You
Until I had to

God I'm so frustrated, a little bit confused and so angry
For I know that You can answer but You don't answer me

Prayer it sounds so romantic
Prayer, it feels miserable
God I hate it, God I admit it

I know You are good, I know You are
But God it seems like You are playing games with me
God, why?
Why all the waiting a thousands times
Now I'm stuck waiting
God, I trust You
But God, I don't get You

Here in the waiting room
of unanswered prayer
Time seems to haunt me
as the hours turn to days
and days turn to weeks
and week to months
and months to years

Here in the waiting room
of unanswered prayer
But God, You know me
I would never sit still
Until I had to

Your ways are so wonderful
But God I'm so miserable

Cause You make all things beautiful just in time
It's just a matter of time, time, time
So into Your hands I throw it -everything-

Here in the waiting room
I'm here in the waiting room
Of unanswered prayer
I will wait on the Lord
Cause I have no option



And Empty Me sung by Jeremy Camp

Empty Me

Holy Fire, come burn away
my desire for anything
that is not of You
and is of me
I want more of You
and less of Me

Empty me, empty me
Fill, wont You fill me
with You with You

Sigh.

I do some risky praying...

"whatever it takes, Lord."
"Empty Me."
"Change me."
"Keep me humble, before You."
"Come quickly, Lord. I don't wanna be here anymore."


yes. This is my life. My novice life of prayer. :)

Brought Low

Is it okay if I say that I'm feeling pretty indescribable?

Its been a pretty challenging time thus far, and O to wonder if that is the pace for this upcoming year of mine.

To face insecurities? To challenge lies?

To stare back, boldly standing in the gaze of my newest revealed fears?

Aha. Sounds so... honorable. So courageous. So brave.

But to me? It sounds ... painful. hah!


Yet, I want to learn what it looks like to have authority as a Daughter of God.

To pray and see things happen.

But my faith bust be grown.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

I most certainly am not complaining over life's complications and little complex situations we so often find ourselves in. But neither will you hear me pretend that these sort of things aren't trying, most of the time. Its a pretty real place to be with the Lord. He's got this big thing in mind, and in my little narrow-minded, compact self, I am unable to wrap my understanding around how sovereign He really is.

But ... though I do not hold the capacity for such knowledge, I DO have the capacity to believe it to be true. And you know how big that capacity is? It can be as little as a mustard seed. But Oh! The fruit it will bear in its due season!



Sigh. I don't know.


You know what?

I'm in this place where...

okay. Illustration.


I'm sitting.


In the prayer room, right? I have had a pretty.... "eh" week. Lets just say (if I can be perfectly honest) it hasn't been one of my most "be a super-christian!" weeks.

In fact - I have been seriously dealing with some sin issues in my life MAINLY ... because of my lack of guard. So, on this particular evening, not very long ago at all, I find myself walking into the prayer room with some anger inside. I'm angry at myself because of where I think I should be, and am not, AND, I'm a little hurt by a previous encounter with a friend.

AND ... I'm mad at myself for how the whole situation makes me feel.

So I'm sitting in the prayer room.

An hour goes by. Finally, towards the end of this hour, I finally begin to process.

How long am I really going to go like this? Really?

And in all my "ehhgh" feelings, I begin to really face the Lord.

And that's when He nudges my heart (Which has been condemning me all day at this point.)

Lord? I DON'T feel very spiritual right now. I don't even care to say this. In fact, I ... just absolutely don't get this whole grace and righteousness thing. \


And so goes my honest little heart with the Lord.

I've definitely been in the business of shocking people when I talk about how I sometimes talk with the Lord.

Hah. You know what? I've been doin this for 10 years of my life. I'm pretty sure that if God wanted to shoot me with a lightning bolt, he woulda done it already.

(sorry, sarcasm...and yet not mean sarcasm. just blunt.)

And to be honest? For me to talk this way with the Lord is the most humbling experience because I actually have to admit that I am not perfect. I have to admit that I don't measure up.

I spend my whole life being good at everything and measuring up and pleasing and being the favorite and the good one.

But the truth is?



I don't measure up. And? The standards aren't His. I'm accomplishing nothing in my own strength.


Figures.


And He whispers to me in the most tender, truthful way, "Sarah, its okay."



Its OKAY to be sitting in that chair in the place that I am. Its really okay.

And that's when I realize: I GOT NOTHING.

NADA!


ZIP!


ZERO!




NOTTTHING to bring to Him except exactly what I am at that very moment.

And what I have to bring is so ugly.

And then all I can think about is how I HATE this body.

I HATE this jar of clay.

There is SO much treasure waiting for ME, EVEN inside, that I don't know about and yet I have to deal with a shell of flesh that is tenaciously prone towards sin.


I got nothin.


Apart from Him, there is no good in me.


And as my heart began to grasp this little idea, the lights were turned down for the next set. And we began to sing this song:

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom


How wide, how deep, how great is Your love for me?


We sing it as a statement... but isn't it meant as a question?

Do we have the nerve to actually ask this of the Lord?



Who couldn't?!


Humbled?

hm.


I am indeed being brought low.

for sure.

Risky Praying is all I Have to Give

Isn't He wonderful? Isn't He beautiful?


Remedy by David Crowder Band. When I sit back to really listen to it, it takes me back to a little place, on the long of a row of chairs at my old church, waiting for worship to begin at a young adult service. I remember being so calloused but so weary and so exhausted. And I laid there and this song began to pound into the very beating of my heart as the soft, child-like tune began.

It made me a child.

And as I became that child as the tune continued, the words struck my very, very, hurting spirit.

Here we are,
Here we are
The broken and used
Mistreated, abused
Here we are



I listened, like a dear in the headlights.
I was caught.
He saw me.


I cried, painful, very distinct tears that moment, before the Lord.
He saw me.






Its so easy to forget who God's been to you when its going okay and you're emotionally alright.

But just because we're emotionally alright doesn't mean that our spirit is okay.

I'm still that child.

Does anyone remember Twila Paris's The Warrior is a Child?

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child


I feel like I've come home for a while, from the battle. And some things have changed, and others haven't.


I see that I'm a different person because of all I've experienced. I have so much to see yet. So much to learn. So much to grow.

I'm so just 20.


But I'm His. And I've definitely gotten a few battle scars. God knows how many more I'll continue to accumulate.


But the thing is...

I am this child.



I can't even imagine, if I've hurt so deeply before, what it must be like to live a life where that hurt is all you know, and to never know that God is with you.

How many people believe that they're alone?




My heart swells, my eyes hurt.



God? Do all that You will. Allow all that You have planned. Let me be like You to the people around me.
Break me down. Build You up.

sigh.


I know that's a considerably risky prayer.

That's why I prayed it.


I've got an eternity to be what God wants me to be. But I've got only a lifetime to learn it.

Risky prayers is all I have to give.



:)

My Ending Thoughts to 2008's Conclusion.

To begin with, the 3 pictures directly above what I'm writing seem to sum up my life in the last year.
A weeping willow tree - weeping, beautiful, strong.
a dancer - I have this one on my dresser - this little thing so very clearly identifies with my heart before the Lord, especially this last year.
And the exhausted, sobbing angel. If I could picture my spirit, it might've looked something like this....



Sometimes I wish I wasn't so curious about how people are doing all the time because I'm usually dissapointed.

A wise woman told me all my life, "Sarah, don't put your trust in people. People will ALWAYS let you down. Put your trust in Jesus. He never ever changes."

The same woman also told me all my life, "Sarah, you were never meant to fit in. You were always made to stick out. Thats a gift!!"


Two very profound statements that have surrounded my life like a swarm of bees around their hive.

Always happening. Always moving. ALWAYS relevant.


What a deep, wounded year for me.

2008.

Fold after fold of pain upon pain, attack upon personal attack.

A moment in life where I was made to count it all loss for the sake of the Cross.

The cross I would bare.


I don't think I've cried so bitterly in my life, as I have in this phase of these long and yet so shortly lived 12 months.
I don't think I've been so lonely. I don't think I've been so slain within my heart.
I don't think I've ever seen a more broken heart then mine. I guess you could try to compare it to one I saw breaking on the church steps a few years ago, inbetween services, as she learned her boyfriend had died. But I don't think you can. This heart desires deeply to do the will of God. It has been seasoned, even if just a little. This agony I dare say, may go much deeper. I may have kissed the agony of Christ. Shared with Him in His dispare. In His batrayal. His best friend betrayed Him for silver - for the religious leaders. The "Church". His other friend denied he ever knew Him 3 times, after he so loudly and boldly stated he would follow Him even unto death. I have known such betrayal, even if just a fraction. But even to the small extent I have endured, the pain was 10 times worse.

Why, Lord?


A very simple cry, I have indeed begged Him.


"To watch with Me for an hour, Child."


A deep, ingrained answer to the very core of my being. I know why. Because I am His. A true disciple. He will take me on a Journey that He Himself has gone.
And, there will be moments of ministry that will need a tear-stricken revelution. A conlusion made with the most needy of hearts - the testimonies I bear.


Forgiveness.

This is soo so new to me. I forgive easily when someone admits they're wrong.
Its easy, isn't it?

But what if they think they're right? What if they don't care? What if they take joy in hurting you or if they put you in a place where YOU have to explain EVERYTHING when its nothing you can fix and its nothing that you did?

Seven times, Lord?


"No Child, Seventy times Seven. Keep Going, dear One."


Sobs.

I have never been so strained in this place before. Give grace when all you feel is hate? I admit, I am more angry at injustice and being accused wrongly then I am of the actual offence itself. I am angry of the actions that proceed the supposed "clearing up" of an issue.

Its so WRONG!

BUT.


God is God, and vengance is His.

Let forgiveness flow.

I am a hypocrite. I have unforgiveness in my soul. It runs in my vains into my very torn up heart. I have been so very very wounded.
I mean, really, theres a well inside of me thats bursting and I don't know how to just let it go. But I WANT to let it go. I want to cry until I'm free.

I think thats the point. This is where God wants me.

Where I am in a place where I'm not in charge.
I WANT to do the right thing, and the rest of it, I'm not in control of.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Bring her into the wilderness
And speak kindly to her.
"Then I will give her her vineyards from there,
And the valley of Achor as a door of hope
And she will sing there as in the days of her youth...
And it shall be, in that day,”
Says the LORD, “ That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’
And no longer call Me ‘My Master'".

Hosea 2:14-16

I am a broken bride.

I have given my heart away to so many things - I've been a harlot of sorts.

Yet He called me here.
Blessed year of 2008.
A right to womanhood.
A passageway through which I become intimate with Him.
A place where I will not only sing as I did in the days when I first met Him, but I will be redeemed because I have lost so much innocence.

Every tear, God told me, He knows what exactly its for. He knows the reason for it.
I must have had so many unspoken, unformed reasons this year.

But one thing I've learned more then anything this last year is: I NEED Him. I NEED Jesus. He's MORE than enough for me. He IS my Love. He IS my life. He FILLS my desires. He quenches my thirsts. Every word that proceeds from His mouth is better then mere bread. His love is better then wine. Nothing can satisfy the void that only He can fill.
Friends can't fill it, boyfriends can't fill it, my dreams can't fill it, my music can't fill it, WORDS can't fill it, my ego can't fill it. Nothing can!

I am poor. I am in deed. My spirit is quiet, poor, humbled. Faithful.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs in the Kingdom of God."

Heh. These people have the kingdom of God. What a witness. What a way to draw all men unto Himself.


The Vineyard. A place where I worked hard. Dark but lovely. But Jesus said to me, "Martha, Martha, Martha."
And I knew, the Vineyard was not my ministry. Jesus was. And when I began to touch that concept the most amazing thing happened in my heart: a Garden began to flurish, full throttle.

"And He will give her her vineyards from there"...


So very cleverly thought, that I go to a Vineyard church now.
Growing friendships, endless possibilites.
A new job.
Light at the end of the tunnel?

I don't know. I'm too busy staring at the Center of my life to pay attention to that. Everything just.... comes together in chaotic unision to revolve around this thing called God's Love.

"And all of a sudden, I am unaware of the afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great You're affections are for me."



A new year is the most exciting thing that could happen for me right now.

To leave it all behind and press on.

"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,
and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith,
that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death;
in order that I mayattain to the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.
Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. "

philipians 3:8-12




Its one of my most favorite things Paul ever said.


And I will end this entry with that.


Not that I've been made perfect, but this I know, forgetting those things which are behind, I press on towards the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

So let it be done, in Jesus Name.




I love you, dear brothers and sisters. Thank you for reading.

pain

i hurt.



and it really hurts.



God sees.


He really sees.



Thank You Lord. I'll cling to the cross.

True Influence...

So last night was my last night at cornerstone chapel. My heart ached, my eyes cried. But it was one last, sad look on the place of, really, my spiritual youth.

I grew up in the way I should go, there.

But, though God is at work in the place where I've spent so much of my life, He's on to a new thing with me.


I scanned the place where I led worship so many times for so many different people. I took in the carpet that held so many of my tears as I sought some floor space.
I looked at the corner where I sat and prayed for so many people.
I sat in the chairs I never actually sat in very much because I was always in the sound booth running the computer or sound...

And I watched as my pastor - the one who showed me how to lead and pastor as I do now, get on his knees and wash both the new youth pastor and the new youth directors' feet.

I watched as 3 of the strongest men in my life openly wepped, being humbled in so many different ways.

I saw Jesus.


And so, as I took all of this in, I couldn't help but wonder - what sort of legacy did I leave?

None but a few people talked to be as I spent my last Wednesday watching everything go on around me.
I'm sure many have their opinions of me and my choice to leave. I'm sure many are glad. But then there were a few people, surprising as it was, whom I never knew would hug me with tears in their eyes and thank me...

My heart is overwhelmed with a sadness, a love, and a need to continue forward.
I loved these people. I still do. In so many ways I pastored them... as did all the rest of the youth leaders.

But God gave me charge over the 6th grade girls this year, thanks to Pastor Mark, and those girls were MY girls. :)

I grew so much as I taught them as best I could what God has been showing me. I probably grew more then they did.
But one thing I know... it meant more then anything to me when they each gave me hugs as I watched them deal in their own way with the fact that I wouldn't be there again.

Some were silly and acted normal.

Then there were just a few... just a few who sadly looked at me through those beautiful little eyes of theirs and told me they'd miss me and couldn't stop hugging me.

God!

THAT is God.

I could never have loved those girls the way I did without God's love... and that Love He first loved me with.

They mean soo much to me. Heh, no matter what I was going through each week, they were a constant reminder that I needed to just look past myself and my problems for a while to see the beauty of the Lord in each little heart as I listened to THEIR problems.


Influence.

11 years old and the Lord revealed Himself to me. I was 12 years old when He encountered me with His Spirit. 13 when I started thinking about missions. I was 14 when I knew I'd follow Him into the ministry. 16 when I began to lead worship. 18 When I began to truly pursue ministry as a life job... All of which Pastor Mark has only encouraged and helped develope as time went on. Now here at 19, the Lord thinks its time to move MY influencer on. He thinks I'm ready to be without him.

I think of how much Pastor Mark influenced my life... How much his life - the way he lived it, impacted mine.

And then I think of how for just the short amount of essential time I may have influenced these blossoming young women. What will they remember so many years down the line that may have impacted them?

I pray it was Jesus they saw.
I pray that the way I lived MY life, the way I conducted myself, is something they will consider, and that in some strange way, they'd imitate my faith, just as I have been trying to imitate PM's.

I hope that this part of my life would line up with Hebrews 13:7 -

Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith.

I guess you could say that I'm blown away by all God continues to show me about how important it is to represent Jesus to the world.
But you can't just start with the world first.

You must start small. Start young. Start with what God gives you.
Its sort of like the promise of Abraham that we go by - God will multiply us. I may not see the fruits of my labor, but those girls may. Praise the Lord.

:)

What peace, to know that in His time, God makes all things beautiful?

As long as for me, that beauty is in producing fruit, It'll be worth all the heart ache.

It'll be worth every tear.

I stand humbled, but I stand none the less.

... so, God has really dealt with me since my last posting. Ultimately, if I want to call the "90%" out for what they're not doing, God thought I should probably know about those who ARE doing something of good cause. Not only did He show me some good BIG causes, but he also revealed the smaller ministries that are loving on people every day. Like the oaks family care center? Yeah, those people are loving on teen moms, homeless people and teens who just need a loving guide.

I am so totally humbled right now.

I suppose I get so passionate about things that I forget that there ARE people doing stuff!! there really are, and that if I'm going to bash things, I need to get going by supporting those who ARE doing good things... who are making a difference, both the small ministries and the big ones.


So I sit here in the intern office for the last time as an intern, today.
I feel.... like crying. So much has happened here... so much of my growth. The thing is though... no one really cares about how much I've grown here except me. Thats okay though. What scares the living daylights out of me is whats going to happen next.

For the last month I've been scared of what my life might hold after the internship, but its just been the last week that God has given me new hope: He WILL use me where He wants to, and guess what? I HAVE THE TIME TO BE USED now.

I feel like as I walk out of here, I'm walking away from a form of spiritual boot camp that I'll never want to go through again. Whether it means that it was my last stretch of true training before God throws me out there, I don't know. The last thing I ever want to believe though is that I've somehow arrived.

I know more then anything though that I haven't.

Hm.

I want to write songs again. I want to write poetry again. I want to be inspired. I AM being inspired every day! The problem? Its not coming out OUT!! It just keeps going in and my spirit, my heart, my soul keeps turning it over and over and over again, but nothing is coming from it yet. I hope more then anything that something absolutely lovely comes from this since, once again, I wait for something awesome to happen. Maybe though the thought of the day is: Am I supposed to MAKE it happen? Is the miracle not that its a new day but that I have another day to be better then yesterday?

Good question.


One thing I've been thinking about lately though is: I guess we'll figure it out. Today, I spend it with Christ. As long as thats the case, I'll be okay with whatever comes my way. Just don't take Him away.

I've never known Christ the way I do right now. I'm so blown away by the love I have for Him. I never knew I could love someone like this. My only real problem is trying to figure out how to love people the way He loves me. It takes SO MUCH EFFORT to love people the way Jesus does. Its so hard! Well... its not if they're lovable. I think the less you know about someone the easier it is to convince yourself that you love them like Christ. But the real challenge is when you know them deeper or better then before. The deal is that Jesus knows the parts of us that WE don't even know exist yet... and He loves us despite that. I can't even compose myself quick enough when someone is imperfect in front of me for the very first time!

I'm such a worm. but I'll quote Winston Churchill here, "We are ALL worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm."

I am a glowworm if I must be a worm.

But even God made the worms, and he provides for them. How much more does God love us then, being as we are human beings?

I cannot even fathom it. I cannot even fathom what is the width, the depth, the heighth, the VASTNESS of His love for us. I guess it'll be a life-long learning experience to love people the way Jesus loves us. I hope to love on HIM a little more like He loves by the end of my little life.


I love Him.


Nothing can compare to what I have with Him after this crazy 10 months of wishing I never had to come back to the church; of crying myself to sleep at night; of struggling with God to forgive again, for today.

I walk away from this place more a woman then I've ever been before, and more a child then I will ever be in later years. I hope to grow younger as I embrace the joy set before me to endure any trial...

I just wonder that I'm not walking away with more than I think I am. I bet God has instilled in me more then I realize right now.

But one thing I did get out of this: I questioned whether I was truly called to full-time ministry or not.
I truly questioned it and I've concluded after much pain, many tears, several hard-knocks and a few trying doubts that, YES. God has called me more then ever before. I could not be satisfied any other way but then to give my life to further the Kingdom of God through any sort of ministry God calls me to.

I don't know. I hope my writings can go into a time of simply desperate pursuit of God and true poetry of the soul.

sigh.


until next time...

After the Twenty First Time, Its time I got my hands dirty.

There's a song that has really impacted me a lot lately. Every time I hear it, it blows me away.

Monk & Neagle - The Twenty-First Time

Nowhere to live, nowhere to fall
He used to have money, but he’s wasted it all.
His face is a photograph burned in my mind,
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He sleeps under stars, that’s all he can afford
His blanket’s an old coat he’s had since the war
He stands on the corner of Carter and Vine
But I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He may be a drifter, he’s grown old and gray
But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

She’s twenty-nine but she feels forty-eight
She can’t raise three kids on minimum wage
She’s cryin’ in back of the welfare line
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

She may be a stranger tryin’ to get through the day
but what if it’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

This is a call for a change in my heart
I realize that I’ve not been doin’ my part
when I needed a Savior, I found it in Him
He gave to me, now I’ll give back to them

Drifter or stranger, father or son
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time

This song hits me hard in that... we SAY we love poeple. We SAY we're doing our best to be Jesus' hands and His feet...

but then, What are we like inside our hearts? What thoughts do we entertain in our brains?

Does it seem like you turn away and ignore whats going on around you, for the twenty first time?

You want to know why 21 is so important?

it means that 3 TIMEs, we as the body had 7 opportunties to be Jesus to the world.

and 3 times 7, we ignore the tug of the Holy Spirit.

the part that gets me about this song is that it can relate to us as idividuals, OR as the Body of Christ in one person. What the body does is what we do. We're His Bride. We are One Body.

So figuratively speaking, the Body has turned and looked the other way, rather then to get their hands dirty with someone else's sin.

How many times does the Lord get His hands dirty with our sins.

How many sins did he bear on the cross.

How many times did He hurt because of us,

and yet we think we're too high above to "stupe down the their level".

How many times do you think Jesus could have had that attitude... that He's too high above us to stupe down to our level?
How many times do we forget who God is and who He's call us to be?

We sing along to Hands and Feet by Audio Adrenaline. But what have we done besides say the words and go on with our lives?

Do you know that the band couldn't just write the song and do the same?

They had to LIVE IT OUT AFTER THAT.
They couldn't just be hypocritical. They started an orginization. They WENT places. They did THINGs. They got down and dirty and made a difference.

"But they're a band!" you say. "They can DO that stuff!"

So?

I'm a worship leader. Does that qualify me any less?

I'm a girl who loves Jesus. Does THAT qualify me any less?

I can't write this and not try to make a difference.

Can you read this and not be convicted to do the same?

I dare you to follow Jesus and be the outcast he's called us all to be with Him.

I'll try my best to be a voice in the dessert as the personality that I am and proclaim, "prepare ye the way of the Lord!"

In the name of Jesus so let it be done.

How fanatical are YOU willing to be?


Or are you even willing?

Can a writer be lesser in a year henceforth?

I understand that I haven't written even as much as I would think I would. Truth is, if I'm not writing in here, its in my personal journals. I go in spurts, if you will. Sometimes I have something thats just BURSTING at the seems to be shared with the world, and then there are other things that need a quiet moment of reflection with just me and God in mind.

So far, its mostly been just quiet reflection.

But today! Today is different.


I am finally ready after about 2 months, to share my thoughts with you.


First, I don't even know how to even measure up to the things I have written in the past.

I read things that I wrote in this blog a year ago, and I think two things.

the first thing is, "WOW... I could WRITE!!"

The other thing was, "hmmmm.... whether I intended to sound that way or not, I sound arrogant."

I guess its something God grows you up from. I didn't mean to sound arrogant, and in my heart I really wasn't, but in my attitude, I very well may have been.

And then I think of where I was a year ago. Its shocking. I SEEM the same, but I know better. I'm not. I'm different.
I'm not even sure if I like being different. Am I quiet-spirited? Am I faithful? Am I acting worthy of the gospel?

No!
I'm not!

But by the grace of Jesus, my salvation is not based on my works, but on my faith that His blood has made me new and free from the bondage of sin.


Sometimes I feel defeated. I feel like a failure. I feel like every time I do something right, everything goes more wrong then if I had done it wrong.
I feel like such a mess up.

I don't listen to God when I should, But I sure talk alot to Him.
Then, I look for His answers when I already have them and should be putting them into action.


The last 6 months have been a real stretch for me. I've had to face my biggest fears and realize, its not killing me like I thought I would.
I've kept myself busy to the point of exhaustion only to find that I must still face inevitable pain at the end of the day.

In the last 6 months I've realized that I don't care if you call yourself a Christian or not, you can cause more pain by insensitive little comments then you would if you flat told me you thought I was the most ugly being in the world.

Or... How do you deal with someone who was once your best friend to not even look at you as though you were nonexistant... EVERY DAY.

Can I be simply honest? Christmas break was the best thing that happened to me in the last 6 months! It was the most relaxing, the most NICE time. No strife. No feeling of rejection.. no feeling stupid. No feeling like a total outsider. No feeling like I'm the hated odd one out.

I surrounded myself with people who care about me. Do you know how good that feels?

I took it for granted I think.
Its so nice to just be trouble about one little thought and to have someone come up to me and just ask, "Hey, I see somethings wrong. Don't tell me its not! I can tell by your eyes! Spill it, girl."

Sorry, but no one does that. I am alone where I am.

Its the hardest part of where I am right now.

But this does not make up for a miserable life. It just makes up for a lot of pain and a lot more reason to surrender to Jesus every time I have a chance.

Then there are the people who love me. They see my house a mess, they take me to work when my brakes give out on my car, they text me throughout the day to see how I'm doing, they invite me to things, they make me feel worth while. They make me want to dress up again. They make me want to feel beautiful. They make me press on. They give me pep talks and they bless me with hugs or a knowing smile. They give me books to read that they know I'd like. They trust me with their thoughts and they don't hesitate to break out into prayer whether by IM, text, phone, email or in person. Yes, we get on eachothers nerves at times, but these people respect me! They care about my heart, they care about my feelings, they care about what affects me JUST AS MUCH as I do them!

Is it not the most biggest blessing?

And then, the blessing of my family. We do not have strife. Strife is hidden tention that we won't let surface. No, our underlying spirit and atmosphere is love, whether or not we're having our best day or not. My family is by no means perfect. But I am proud of them. I'm proud of the Jesus they're learning to know. I'm proud that they're trying to figure it out. I'm proud that they're struggling to seek him even when they sometimes have a hard time believing He's even there.

And you know what gets me? People actually think they have the right to openly show their dissaproval of them to my face!

My human reaction? I wanna beat em up.

My Christian reaction? Be ticked at anyone who thinks they have a right to judge my family when I've lived with them for just about 19 years of my life and don't have that attitude towards them!!!



You know what really bothers me? Young Christian adults with NO humility or Character. It makes me mad. I just want to look at them and go, " Who do you think you are?!" Really?

A comment that made me tick BUT think was, "You always have something to say about everything, Sarah."

For the first time in a long time, I knew that was wronger then a door knob being attached to a ceiling and being called a fan.

I shot that down so fast I didn't know what hit me. Do you know how many times I DON'T say something? I may talk alot, mind you, which I'll be the first to admit, gets me into issues of misscomunication problems, but I can ASSURE you ALL that if I spoke my mind HALF the time I had something to say something about, the world would be full of Sarah opinions. I know I say stuff, but I only truly talk publically about stuff I KNOW where I stand on! Other times its to throw an idea out there. Do you know how many times I'm usually shot down by voicing my thoughts? 95 percent of the time. Am I right to, sure! Is it worth is, maybe. Am I tired of the same ppl being ignorant and just wanting to look cool to other people? ABSOLUTELY!

Seriously, I even get shot down HERE on occasion. Do I agree with it? NO.

I think if you have an issue with what I write and its about moral things, you'd better email me right away!!!

If its because you've got issues with me or are looking for a good argument? Go AWAY. If I bother you so much, why read my blog? Its only causing you to stumble!


argh.


I've been roughed up on the edges a little bit.
I'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing.


I'm sorry I don't have some beautifully written, profound entry today. I wish I did, honestly. Iguess I have to learn how to write that again. But really, I have nothing too special to say.

I'm just a girl having issues with things that go unseen for the most part. You know? I think part of the issue is that I feel like I go unseen alot.

isn't that a thought, now?

The Warrior is a Child

I almost feel safe to write here since it seems like this blog is forgotten now. Good. I can write for myself.

My heart hurts. Kind of like how after an earth quake, the earth will have that one last rumble.. almost like a reverb of the real thing.

That's what I'm going through. I've been through the initial pain, but its like I'm getting that feedback - that reverb. I feel... sick.

Not sick sick. Sick. I feel so used. I feel so discarded - like no one could really love me... its all just fake. And really, that no guy out there that could love me the way I need to be loved, would be able to stay true... to give me his word, to commit to my heart. I feel so... beside myself.

Do not take this wrong:

Jesus is my ALL. ALL my hope is in Him. ALL my love is in Him. ALL my strength is in Him. He IS my joy. Oh is He ever my very present Joy!

But I regret my life this last year. I regret it because it was so wonderful. I regret it because I bought into it as though it were real, as though it were true. I regret thinking that I couldn't get any happier. I regret that I believed that I WAS happy. I regret trusting so much.

And, I regret that I set myself up for heartbreak. REAL heart break. Painful heart break. I'm STILL dealing with it. I STILL wake up early in the morning and cry myself back to sleep. WHY!?!

I regret that I'm not over my hurt yet. I regret that it still effects me.

Truthfully, I regret investing so much that it DID effect me.

And its no longer about the person who hurt me. All is forgiven. But now I have this backlash of emotional pain that I've never experienced before.

One thing I don't regret: I truly understand what it is to guard one's heart. I've always had a hard time understand how one does it. ALWAYS.

But today, at a young 18 years, I have found the secret to guarding one's heart.

Its by not investing in relationships with guys the same way one invests relationships with girls (and vice versa with guys). Its about keeping ALL young men at an arms length. Its about not letting them into the depths where poems are formed, where songs are written, where true prayers are conceived.

Its not because I don't like guys. ON the contrary! I feel WAAY more comfortable with guys then with girls.

But that's where its a problem.

Pointers Sarah has learned from eXPERIENCE, the HARD WAY:

*DO NOT get involved with a guy who is recently hurting over another girl. You'll set yourself up for being used.

*DO NOT let a person push your personal boundaries made by your own convictions! You'll regret it.

*DO NOT get involved right away, whether you've known each other a long time or for a little: give things time.

*DO NOT intentionally see each other every day. Its speeds up the process emotionally, but not spiritually. God's timing doesn't follow ours. Wait a year.

*DO NOT! date or court someone who has a RECENT history of getting into Noncommittal relationships and has a tendency to flirt with everyone. Don't be fooled. ANYONE can be nice and really friendly. But not everyone has self control. LOOK for one who does.

*DON'T allow someone to tell you they love you until they've proven it with patience and follows the exclamation with a proposal to be his wife forever.

*DON'T DON'T DON'T talk about marriage until you're ABLE to marry... OR until you've been proposed to.

*DON'T find it acceptable that a guy thinks your different from the rest of your family.

*DON'T think its going to work with a guy if you can't even communicate openly.

*DON'T even get serious with someone who your family either doesn't like and or, HE doesn't like your family.

*IF he doesn't fit in with your family, its not gunna work.

*...THE end.



Yeah, so that helped me vent a little.

I'm not mad. I'm not.. anything really. Maybe upset. Sometimes I wish I could just get out of here and find guys who aren't amazed that I'm Sarah, and aren't jerks and treat me like dirt. I just want real people. People I can connect to, you know?

I know people who love me, but I can bearly count the people who truly understand me. I can DEFINITELY tell you of the countless of people who said they understood me, who said they loved me, who said they cared, and are no longer a part of my life.

Interesting isn't it?


Hm. I'm in a confusing state. I'm not confused, I'm living in weird new world where I don't know what my next step will be. I'm not angry or unforgiving, I'm upset. I'm mixed up. I'm disoriented. I'm... hurt.

I'm not extraordinarily strong willed, I'm a child in a suit of armor.

THIS, my friends, is my song.


<

Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child