Questions that almost never stop running through my head!

Hm... So I know this is a random and quick blog...

but I'd like to pose some questions that I wonder if others ask themselves (and God) besides me.

here goes:

• Do I over-dramatize things?
• Is it okay if I do... if thats how I feel?
• Do I need to be humbled?
• Am I super immature?
• Why aren't I perfect?!
• Whats with me?
• What would it be like to have a pet giraffe?
• What would my neighbors say if my pet elephant kept making tons of noise in my garage in the middle of the night?  "Ring ring - excuse me... but could you PLEASE quiet down your elephant?  I'm trying to sleep here!"
• What are my dreams?
• .....Do I even HAVE any?
• Where did my thought just go!!!
• Why the HECK do I find the Bachelor/ Bachelorette so amusing this year?
• ....Why do I WATCH the Bachelor/Bachelorette this year when I've been so against it the last several years?
• What is UP with me?!?!
• What should I say next?
• Why can't I just go with what I know is right?
• Why can't I just DO whats right?
• Why can't I be witty right when I SHOULD be?
• Why don't I want to spend time with God right now?
• God... why do you love me so much?
• Why am I going through this ... AGAIN?
• GAAAHHHHHHH!!!!  WHY DOES LIFE SUCK RIGHT NOW?
• Why did I just think that?
• Why did I just think that and conTINUE to think that?
• When will SUMMER COME?
• Why do I hate snow......wait I know why... cus its not like summer.
• Why can't I just keep up with working out?!
• What will my kids be like?
• Am I going to stink as a parent?
• ....Will I even HAVE any kids?
• .....Will I even GET married?
• Hmmm....... wedding?
• Why do I enjoy people so much?
• Why do I hate people so much?
• What should have have for lunch?
• Am I fasting today.... AM I fasting today?
• What day IS it?
• Is coffee made today?
• Where did my imagination go?
• What ARE my intentions?
• When did I get so old?
• Why am I so immature?
• What would happen if I should lop my hair off?
• .....Should I cut my hair?
• hmmm......?
• What should I accomplish today?
• Why do I ask so many questions?!!?!?!

Hmmm....  I'm glad I got those off my chest!  (Haha.... I almost put a question mark there....)

Anyone relate?

off I go!

Vanity of Vanities - Thoughts of Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot.


Ecclesiastes says it so well, what I think, lately. "Vanity of vanities, all is vanity! What advantage does man have in all his work, which he does under the sun? A generation goes, a generation comes, but the earth remains forever. ... is there anything of which one might say, "see this, it is new"? Already it has existed for ages which were before us."

I've just taken to sitting back and watching things. And you know what I've found? I'm an extremely vain human being. Everything I do, has an underlying pursuit to make myself look or feel good, and I really can't do anything about it except continue to let God change me.

It blows me away. I spend money on things that I think will make me prettier, when that money could so easily go to allowing an orphan live a life - their idea of luxury being clean WATER.

Who am I?


Then, I continue to watch those around me.

We pursue so many things that we feel will fulfill us.

Men.
Women.
Money.
Sexual Fulfilment.
Dreams.
Power.
Twisted desires.
Gluttony on anything good.



Or maybe its just... little things.

A touch here.
Attention there.
Feeling wanted.
Feeling desired.
Getting our affirmation from those around us rather then God.


Living for the pleasure of the moment.



I'm convicted, to be honest.

There's a fine line between living IN the moment and possessing divine opportunity to choose to have joy in it, because one is living for God.

There's another to live for the pleasure of the moment itself.

And I wonder, when do we get off track?
Its certainly not a sudden, "bam, I've decided to get off-track" sort of deal.

Its always gradual. Satan knows we're not stupid. We're not going to fall for the obvious.

But His strategy is clear: get the frog in the pot of lukewarm water, and THEN put it over heat. Over time, the water will boil, and the frog will get burnt.

THIS is the strategy of the enemy. And this is how Christianity becomes dull and dead: when people are no longer Alive.


Tonight, I enjoyed myself, spending time with friends.
I noted how I found myself watching the couples around me, all in each others faces, and I could tell which ones had already been down the physical road, and which one's were still exploring the boundaries.
I felt like I was intruding, and yet, they were so public that it was hard not to catch SOMETHING.

Then I found myself at an ultimatum: Did I want something shallow for the pleasure of now, or did I want something REAL, and Godly and beautiful for later? Because its not that I have someone, and its not that I would ever go so far, but you know? It ALL starts when you've concluded in your mind that its OK. That its okay to settle. That easy pleasure is okay. That its okay just to date around. That its okay just to kiss around. That its okay to flirt around.

And you know what? In my little heart, its not.

This heart is for the Lord. This heart wants to do good by her husband all the days of her life : she wants his heart to safely trust her.


So I was just checking out NIV for something and I came accidentally across this verse - and my normal versions don't quite say it this way, but I believe this is probably the best said, of them all:

Proverbs 20:6, "Many a man claims unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?"


WOW.


The contrast here? Hello: black and white.

One can say all they want, but when the rubber meets the road, how will the person follow through.


I would like to be a woman of my word.

When I say something, I want to mean it.
Its probably why I'm more hesitant to promise things, because I take my promises seriously. Its a covenant I bind myself to. And well I should.

So when I promise the Lord that I will not take hold of my love life, I cannot go back on it.


Love.


Life.



This: in its entirety, covers my whole relationship spectrum, from family to frienemies.


Integrity, I guess, is important.

Yet, integrity is rarely ever thought of anymore.

Vanity of vanities. All is vanity. There is so much emphasis on feeling good, and whats in it for me, and material and meaningless banter alongs.

I guess its great for connections, but what will be worth my time?

I told someone just the other day that I pray that every time they talk to me they'd be blessed about God, because if they weren't, there's no point in talking at all, really, is there?


I guess I could choose to be as rawly human as possible.

But I like to think I'm wonder woman and that I should get it right every time, the FIRST time around. I try not to cuss, I try not to get angry about stupid stuff, I try to be as patient as I can be - and then I get disappointed in myself when I can't accomplish it the first time, or the second.

But, it almost seems vain to stay that way and not try again.

Why would I take pride in looking like the rest of the world. I promised Him my life. Why would it be okay for me not to give it to Him 100% every single day?

Why don't I?

Why can't I?


"For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want." Rom. 7:19


Because... I can't, as long as I struggle with the very nature of my sinful flesh.



Sigh. Its so ingrained in us that sometimes I'm amazed by it. We're SO VAIN. WE DO think the song is about us. We DO think things are about us. We believe people think about us more then they really do, we think that it'll be okay if we look prettier, or more attractive to those we want to attract attention from.

I mean..


man.

You know what I find beautiful in a human being with such human traits?

Humility.

The one's who know that we're vain; that all is vanity and that we don't measure up to true selflessness.


I want this beauty. Not because it will glorify myself! But because my heart is inclined towards the things of Jesus and Jesus was humble.

I don't understand how He came down here and limited Himself to such a state.
Didn't the futility of dead-living drive Him crazy all the time? And yet His copasity of love must have driven Him more mad for His bride. How didn't He explode?


I'm just really humbled right now. I'm not perfect. I'm not wonder woman. I can't do anything right apart from God. And guess what - at this point? I'm clinging to that, and somehow, it brings peace into all of my chaos.

And yet, I so easily get swayed because of the outside stuff that catches my attention - the vanity of vanities... I'm just so glad the Lord never gives up on those who call on Him with all their hearts... I'm just really, really glad.


:)

If Starbucks Advertised Like the Church, They'd Look Stupid.

This video is funny souly because of its irony. Starbucks doesn't advertise. By word of mouth and by the success of their company, they ARE the best coffee shop in the world. Yet the church feels they need to advertise God? Serve God, and they will come. Sigh. The truth behind this video kills my spirit that hopes for the Church. But it hurts just enough to define my heart for people just a little bit more: They come because they want coffee. If it wouldnt work for starbucks, what makes us think it'll work for a church service?



Hmmm.

He Paints One Stroke & the Sky Goes Crazy With Love...(A Stroke of Genius, Perhaps?)

So last night I had a lot to think about.

I think I was taking in a meshing of personalities and I was rather agitated that everyone was in my face. This of course is to be expected when your family is mine.

But this morning after the first few hours of becoming awake, things began to hit me and my heart became thankful.

First, just being able to watch people interact with each other. Have you ever noticed that some people can just pick up and become fast friends and the whole room becomes a bustle of jolly commotion as everyone picks around each others' personalities just to find to their delight, that they all enjoy each other and accept each other for their very crazy if not brazen self?

Once, while I was growing up, I was ashamed of how my family was. No one else's family was like mine - that was BAD cause everyone else acted like we were maniacs or something.

BUT - over the past 2 years, I've not only come to terms with how my family is, I rather feel sorry for people who can't handle so much craziness and love.

How do they enjoy their boring, routinely lives? One might argue if they're really living at all.

One thing I rather delight in is how one personality can pull another personality out of hiding.

Its one of the most beautiful things for someone to just accept that they are a certain way and that GOSH! ITS OKAY TO JUST BE YOU!!!!

I think my family is good at that. We most definitely have our problems, HA! Let me be a witness of that! BUT! We're always moving. We're always learning and changing. We have (for the most part) open hearts.

So this is what triggered a thought process of how God, in essence has surrounded himself with... Himself. He Himself is the ESSENCE OF beauty and so ergo, everything He does is beautiful.

I was driving home on 271 and what encountered me as I approached the top of a particular hill was something that took my breath away - a wild dash of orange, pink blue and purple with a swirl of yellow somehow blending in every little corner that was not covered.
The sun screamed orange.

The sky was marveling. It was almost as if every single moment was a span of universe happening and if you blinked you had missed some form of divinity. I swear the sky was glowing and in love.

Ha, and then He said ever so simply, "Its for You."

Of course without missing a single beat I replied, "Well, Yeah... and everyone else you made it for ... AND me... of course!" in between gasps of awe and reminding myself I should probably breath too.

But He plainly restated, "Its for You."

And that's when it hit me:

What did it matter if it could be for anyone else too? God is a sovereign God! Its all the more immaculate that He could have made it for me and ANYONE ELSE He wanted to love on in that little place in time where human met Jesus.

And thats where I was humbled. The live painting was for me. It was between Jesus and His bride. I'm not just single. I'm plural. Its for me just as much as it is for any other part of His Bride. It doesn't mean He would love me any less, He loves ME. He loves US. Of COURSE its for me!


He is awesome.

And, there, on Remsen Rd, I began to cry tears of thankfulness.

He Loves Us.


He really does!


And THIS BLOG is NOT to cancel out my last post!

In one hand the Lord invokes true Justice to all the nations AND to all the peoples.

But, in the OTHER hand, He offers mercy and this crazy grace that says if you repent and confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, He will NOT overlook that!

And for us, as a broken people to get ON OUR FACES before a holy God, is to give Him honor and to show Him real reverence, which, by the way guys, we have NO business losing since, last I checked we're all STILL dirty rotting sinners without Him.

Anyway,

I leave you with this:


Heh. :) He loves us if we are open to Him giving us His love.

Now... If we could get the hang of loving Him back.....

I stand humbled, but I stand none the less.

... so, God has really dealt with me since my last posting. Ultimately, if I want to call the "90%" out for what they're not doing, God thought I should probably know about those who ARE doing something of good cause. Not only did He show me some good BIG causes, but he also revealed the smaller ministries that are loving on people every day. Like the oaks family care center? Yeah, those people are loving on teen moms, homeless people and teens who just need a loving guide.

I am so totally humbled right now.

I suppose I get so passionate about things that I forget that there ARE people doing stuff!! there really are, and that if I'm going to bash things, I need to get going by supporting those who ARE doing good things... who are making a difference, both the small ministries and the big ones.


So I sit here in the intern office for the last time as an intern, today.
I feel.... like crying. So much has happened here... so much of my growth. The thing is though... no one really cares about how much I've grown here except me. Thats okay though. What scares the living daylights out of me is whats going to happen next.

For the last month I've been scared of what my life might hold after the internship, but its just been the last week that God has given me new hope: He WILL use me where He wants to, and guess what? I HAVE THE TIME TO BE USED now.

I feel like as I walk out of here, I'm walking away from a form of spiritual boot camp that I'll never want to go through again. Whether it means that it was my last stretch of true training before God throws me out there, I don't know. The last thing I ever want to believe though is that I've somehow arrived.

I know more then anything though that I haven't.

Hm.

I want to write songs again. I want to write poetry again. I want to be inspired. I AM being inspired every day! The problem? Its not coming out OUT!! It just keeps going in and my spirit, my heart, my soul keeps turning it over and over and over again, but nothing is coming from it yet. I hope more then anything that something absolutely lovely comes from this since, once again, I wait for something awesome to happen. Maybe though the thought of the day is: Am I supposed to MAKE it happen? Is the miracle not that its a new day but that I have another day to be better then yesterday?

Good question.


One thing I've been thinking about lately though is: I guess we'll figure it out. Today, I spend it with Christ. As long as thats the case, I'll be okay with whatever comes my way. Just don't take Him away.

I've never known Christ the way I do right now. I'm so blown away by the love I have for Him. I never knew I could love someone like this. My only real problem is trying to figure out how to love people the way He loves me. It takes SO MUCH EFFORT to love people the way Jesus does. Its so hard! Well... its not if they're lovable. I think the less you know about someone the easier it is to convince yourself that you love them like Christ. But the real challenge is when you know them deeper or better then before. The deal is that Jesus knows the parts of us that WE don't even know exist yet... and He loves us despite that. I can't even compose myself quick enough when someone is imperfect in front of me for the very first time!

I'm such a worm. but I'll quote Winston Churchill here, "We are ALL worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm."

I am a glowworm if I must be a worm.

But even God made the worms, and he provides for them. How much more does God love us then, being as we are human beings?

I cannot even fathom it. I cannot even fathom what is the width, the depth, the heighth, the VASTNESS of His love for us. I guess it'll be a life-long learning experience to love people the way Jesus loves us. I hope to love on HIM a little more like He loves by the end of my little life.


I love Him.


Nothing can compare to what I have with Him after this crazy 10 months of wishing I never had to come back to the church; of crying myself to sleep at night; of struggling with God to forgive again, for today.

I walk away from this place more a woman then I've ever been before, and more a child then I will ever be in later years. I hope to grow younger as I embrace the joy set before me to endure any trial...

I just wonder that I'm not walking away with more than I think I am. I bet God has instilled in me more then I realize right now.

But one thing I did get out of this: I questioned whether I was truly called to full-time ministry or not.
I truly questioned it and I've concluded after much pain, many tears, several hard-knocks and a few trying doubts that, YES. God has called me more then ever before. I could not be satisfied any other way but then to give my life to further the Kingdom of God through any sort of ministry God calls me to.

I don't know. I hope my writings can go into a time of simply desperate pursuit of God and true poetry of the soul.

sigh.


until next time...

Pearls, Swine and Being Released

A LOT has been happen with me as of late.

First, the sermon of casting your pearls before swine was... WOW.

I've never been so... (is it weird to say) Loved on in a sermon before.

I've found that its okay not to give your pearls of great price to anyone and everyone. I may be doing that here in this blog, but I guess thats part of my blog. Those who come here must like to read it, otherwise they don't come (har har, I laugh at myself.)

But a pearl comes with with a great price because it was something that I worked at.

pretty much a pearl is a piece of sand or whatever that gets into an oisters mouth, and it irritates the oister so it covers this thing with layer upon layer of smooth "whatever" on this thing till it is smooth and ... a pearl.

So the pearls in our lives are the painful things that we can't ignore and we work at and work at until it is a precious part of our lives.

Pigs?

Pigs take and eat anything. When the rubber meets the road, a dog will return to its vomit and a pig after being cleaned, to her mud pit.

They have no concept of what precious compared to scraps is.

Why would I give my very best, my most precious parts of my life to those sort of people?

This is an ubelieveable realization to me.

Thoughts have definitelly been more defined and its actually encouraging to think about this because it finally holds up my accomplishments (with Jesus) of my Character as pearls.

I've always had a special spot in my heart for pearls. I'm begining to realized why.

Dimonds are very gaudy. They boast of their beauty, when really, they are just rocks that have been reshaped, chipped away at and made into something they never were before.

Pearls however, don't SCREAM and sparked their beauty. They've always been more modest about themselves being a treasure. They seem to have a quieter sense of beauty, you know?

And this is what I've seen: it is because it was a piece of dirt, a piece of dust molded and refined, organically smoothed over, and worked at (worked at from its being dirt) and made into this thing of great price - it came with a great cost.

And then there's the parable of the pearl of great price, and of a man selling all he had to buy a feild where the pearl was to be found.

What pearl would be so wonderful that a man would sell all he had for it?

I always thought of the pearl as God.

So someday, I sort of hope that my engagement ring will be like this: 2 little dimonds with a pearl in the middle. We've been chipped away and made into the people that can now be brought together, but in that process, what would have been dirt had we not waited on Gods timing, because this beautiful treasure between us: and that pearl would represent God, the waiting, .. just EVERYTHING that holds us together.


so yes, pearls mean very much to me.

The releasing part?


I was told I am not called to meet specific needs right now.

Truth is? The person who told me this was absolutely right.

This is my life verse right now:

1 Corinthians 7:32-35

But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord.
But he who is married cares about the things of the world—how he may please his wife.
There is[a] a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction.

Compilations of Contemplations.

I think what really got me thinking was when Joe and I talked while I ate. I like his friendship. What got me thinking was how he opened up to me. I think I did a good job of hiding my surprise, but it just took me back.

I hope God uses me any way he can with Joe, because I'd love to see him find Christ. Or rather, hehe, be found. "For you did not choose Me, but I chose you..."

I don't know. I just sit back and think, "what happened?" I mean, who is this girl I've become? I'm quited within myself. I take time in processing my thoughts. I'm supposedly "Miss Sunshine". Whats with guys and my smile? I mean, I have guys (yes, more then one) telling me that as long as they can make me smile, they're happy. Who is this girl who seems to have a smile that makes guys happy just to see? Have I been THIS ignorant about and to myself? heh... I was told by my manager (on behalf of all of my managers) that they really appreciated all I do. I must have turned 10 shades of red; like all the other times something is said about me in FRONT of me. I don't know how to react! I mean, I suppose I say thank you, but it doesn't seem like that's the right answer. You wanna know what my instinctive answer is? Laugh nervously, totally disagree whether its right or wrong and bolt! Who is this girl? This girl who will plug herself into a book and not come out for hours? This girl who used to be able to talk on the phone for hours, but no longer has the energy? This girl who would do SO MUCH MORE for her family but gets her joys dashed when she's EXPECTED to do the very thing she wanted to do quietly as a gift?

WHO IS THIS GIRL?

who is this girl who has no problem helping ANY body out with chores whether at home or at work? Why do I do the things I do? I know what kind of person I am. How do I come off so sweet to people? I'm a selfish twisted child. Who is this girl who comes off so opposite of what she is on the inside?

Who is this girl?

I wonder if it would be blasphemy to say that the Who is Jesus.

Jesus isn't the GIRL, Jesus IS, the girl. That means that I... I, the girl am all I can be to be Jesus. He is everything. I'm nothing without him. That means He is my all.

I'd be dead if it weren't for Christ in my life. I know I talk about the fact that I used to think about suicide alot, but I bring it up because it is my boast story! I'm boasting in the way God saved me from myself. I would have been dead! I could have been dead. Then I wouldn't have been here asking the most simple, obvious, profound question of myself. Who is this girl I call myself?
I'm kind of tired of saying, "I don't know."
I've cliche'd it, haven't I? hehe.
I think I'm ready to say something different though. Because you know what? It wouldn't be truthful anymore to say I don't know who this girl is.
I have to start being truthful to myself about myself.

Pastor Jeff said something extremely profound this morning and I just sat there and went, "wow.."

He said firstly, "Don't tell yourself where you THINK you are, be honest enough to admit to yourself where you really are."

And then He said, "Its God's grace that makes it okay for us to BE where we are! Its okay! Because God says, "Child! Its okay to be where you are! Because I'm going to take you to where I AM."

You know where I am?

I am at a place where I so fully know that I'm a sinner and I don't deserve dirt. I'm a crumb-ball inside. I could be so miserable of a person. I'm a pain in the butt during certain times alone! All the time, I could be and have a tendency to be miserable and low and depressed.

I'm still figuring myself out, and that alone is humbling. I think I should have myself figured out by now. But I still can't find why I do some of the stuff I do, why I feel the way I feel and why I can't shut up once in a while.
I have a spiritually High day and the rest of the week is LOW and frustrating. I get disappointed easily because my expectations are so high, whether they're good expectations or bad ones. Whether they're realistic or not. I hurt easily for some people, and for others I have no compassion whatsoever. Whats with that?
I hate where my life is for the moment, and yet I could never turn back now. I'm on a fast pace transition.
My opinions are peppered with perspective and salted with a straight and narrow mind. How does that work?! I like attention I shouldn't thrive on but do,
I act coy and calculated with perfect comebacks, and yet I am so naive and ignorant and blush over the reactions I get from my OWN actions. When did I become more then a young girl? How did it happen that things I used to do and were so innocent are now something of an art of flirtation?

Lord!!! Can I still be innocent before you?! Can I be a vessel of purity in this stain-glassed world?

Who do people think they are?

this is a very sincere question.

Who do you think you are?
I bet that if you tell yourself what you think you are, you're probably off, whether you think too highly of yourself or too lowly of yourself.

You know what the difference between me and every other person in the world?
I don't have to answer the question because Jesus answers it for me.
I have someone to look up to. I have something to live for. I have a purpose to stand on. I have a reason to live. Its Jesus.
Its ( on of my purposes being) every other person besides me who needs to find Jesus and to be found by Him.

I want Joe and all the other people who know they don't look up to anyone to have that reason to live too.
I want him to look up to the One I look up to. I want him to find that rest. I want him to reach deeper and respond to the question, "Who do I think I am anyway?" and say, "I don't care who I think I am. All I need to know is what Jesus thinks I am. And I Am His."

hm.

Ultimately we are, aren't we? We're ALL His. But He gave us free will, and that's where we fell. So whether we end up in hell or in heaven, we're still ultimately His.

I like to think I resemble Him just a little.

Jesus? take a look at me like a mirror. What do you see, Lord?

"I see Me."

"really?"

"Really, Beloved. And I see you. And I love you just the way you are, stains and all. For you once were a sinner, but now you are My Child. You are a dancer. Be free. Make the Sun shine brighter. Love on them, one by one, Sarah, just like I would. Just like I did. Just like I am. Just like I always will."

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. Amen and Hallelujah!

Great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me.