I've been thinking about how I wanted to start this post -
what sentence would capture in a nutshell the reason behind my somewhat sudden absence from the bloggersphere. But to be honest - nothing really came to mind. And I'm okay with that.
Since my last (what I would call shortstop) post ... and to be honest, since I last really posted, my life has been turned upside down and all around.
Going to India pretty much set it off, too. I mean, I knew it was going to change my life and all, but I have nothing in the history of my life to compare this to.
First of all, a few things should be in the back of your mind as I explain.
Firstly, I wanted to be an archaeologist when I grew up as a kid. Which could coincide with my love for understanding people and culture so... anthropology? I just clumped it all together in one word though.
When I got older, I thought I'd be a wiseguy and pull one over on God - meaning, make my life plans LOOK like God's work so I could do what I really wanted to do. hehe. So I told God I wanted to be a missionary... and then do archeology on the side. ... Then as time went on, I actually DID want to be a missionary. And then further down the road, for various reasons, I decided that since most missionaries I knew were just serving their own communities, I would be a missionary and learn to serve mine.
Except I didn't really love my community. How many of us know that in order to truly serve out of our own free will, we must also learn to love? I had a long way to go. But we all do... all the time.
Anyway I dropped the idea of going to other countries around the age of 14. Fast forward a decade - and my 24 year old self just met up with her missionary dreams once again.
Except what she realized was that in learning to love her own country, her own city, her own community and her own family, she was able and prepared to love another.
What I saw in myself was surprising. Why was it so easy? Why did I love things others could only tolerate? Why did I connect with the people like they were my own family?
And most of all, WHO THE HECK AM I? I mean - what just happened here.
There are a LOT of things people say to people like me: mission trip newbies.
"Of course you won't want to leave. You never do, when its your first trip."
"I know it sucks to go back right now but, you'll be back to normal soon."
"Yeah, over time you'll forget about the place... and it'll seem like it never happened. But... you'll be different. And you'll remember that it DID happen. Because you're not the same, even though your life is."
"Yeah... there's always that 'mission trip crush'. It'll pass."
(*Ahem* More on that later.)
Are these little tidbits I've heard over the past 7 months wrong? No way! Its a lot of truth. For most people.
But... I'm not most people. I'm Sarah. And in the one percent chance that the status quo DOESN'T apply to a situation, you can surely conclude that my life is made up of the most hilarious "did that just happen?" one percent chance situations. Sometimes I wish I could say different, but honestly I get a kick out of my life and it always seems to come through prove everyone wrong when they try to categorize or generalize it. It suddenly seems to have a mind of its own - have a bad hair day - or decide it just won't cooperate. It chooses the most opportune moment to declare itself different right when I think I'm about to enjoy a little bit of 'normal' for a change.
The truth is though - all those words people offer to mission trip newbies like me - just didn't fit.
They were true enough, for a majority of people. But not for me.
Why? Because this is part of that one percent chance that something is different.
See...
I didn't forget about India. I didn't forget about the people. They're always in the back of my mind. Every day.
My life has been and is a waiting grounds for something greater to happen. Something that will allow me to move forward into whatever the Lord has next.
Plus, I met a man who has since captured my heart - and it was so God-ordained that I can only testify of God's goodness in it. But that is for a different post. :)
My mind came back reeling with thoughts and possibilities I had never considered or imagined.
I was overwhelmed. I've curled up in a ball on my floor trying to find something that HADN'T chanced. The only thing that hadn't was Jesus. That kind of lesson is learned when nothing is familiar. I didn't know who I was anymore. Yet... I was more myself than I could have ever been up until those moments. And I'm so grateful.
++++
So what's been going on with me these past few months?
Honestly? I've been processing data. I've been learning about grace.
I've been wrestling with grace. I've been offended with grace and by grace.
And after working through cycles and cycles of this (and as I continue to), I've come to the conclusion that I'm desperate for it.
I've been so stuck in this ongoing lie that when I keep sinning in the same area of my life and have to keep asking for forgiveness, I'm somehow raping the grace God has given to me. I've spent so much of my life judging people who use God's "grace" to justify their sin that I have condemned myself to that same judgement. And to come face to face with the fact that God's judgement of my own situation was more gentle than mine... that He offered me grace when I offered myself none - it offended me. Grace isn't fair.
Yet God's judgements are true.
So how does this work?
It works when you realize you need saving from yourself.
You know. I've grown up in the church. I asked Jesus in my heart at 3. I was baptized in the Holy Spirit at 12 years old. I've ministered in many ways. But I never had a moment where I knew I needed saved. And I needed saved BAD.
I never had that moment, that is, until I got back from India.
A couple months of this wrestling led me to a face-plant in my front room floor, weeping as Jesus spoke clearly to my heart, "Sarah, are you better than your master?"
6 words crumbled my proud resolve and as I wept some of my most painful tears yet, the only thing I could think was that "This must be how it feels to get saved."
And that's when I realized ... I was. Just then, I "got saved".
And I wept that it took so long for me to understand it. And I wept because God's timing is perfect and that it was His grace that allowed me to walk with Him until this moment.
Do I believe that a person can love God, walk with God, know God, learn from God and not be saved? Nope. But most people know Jesus as their Savior when they choose God back.
But remember? I'm that weird one percent chancer.
And it just so happens that though I've been saved by grace this whole time, I didn't know I needed a savior the way I know I need one now.
So my life is a little backwards, no question about that. But. Nevertheless, my best friend Jesus revealed Himself to me as my Savior. And now I get to add that to the list of names He's been revealing to me in His own way.
So that's one thing the Lord is doing in my heart on a personal level.
In my next post I'm going to explain how I came to the conclusion that God is going to send me to India again, next year. But this time for 6 months! :) Stay tuned!
