Trust That Love

"And so we know the love that God has for us, and we trust that love."  1 John 4:16

You know,  I was going to say its been a while since I've written, but the truth is, I've been through a LOT since the last time I wrote.  I don't even know if there's really a way to explain it, either.
But I'll try.  2 things: Where I am, and worship.

First thing:

I guess it all comes down to this:  Do I or don't I trust God.

I mean its as simply put as it gets.
Its the strangest experience:  I LONG to trust God ... will to trust God but every analyzing thought that picks my life apart into a billion pieces tells me that I'm obsessed with control.
And you know?  There's so many reasons I could give about it too.
I've been hurt.  I've gotten it wrong.  I've heard God wrong.  I don't want to do that again.  People suck.  My life sucks.  I suck!

And C'mon, nothing really sucks.  It only does when I lean on my own understanding and try to figure everything out.

Why can't God just surprise me with the life He wants me to live?
Why do I keep hitting this brick wall?
I've never been closer to the Lord.
I've never heard Him so clear in my life.
I've never understood so much of the scriptures.
I've never understood so little.
I've never trusted Him so much
and I promise!  I have never trusted Him so little.
I'm caught between accepting all the dreams and visions and longings that drive me and hating the very things that make me come alive.
Mostly because its hard to hope when you've been so disappointed in your life.

Back in the summer I wrote to the Lord,  "Maybe I've been using hope the wrong way.  I have all sorts of visions and dreams for every part of my life.  But coincidentally, just as much as they can't happen withOUT You, they won't look the way I thought they would WITH You, either."
Nothing else could have said it better.

I'm ready to fight again.  I don't care what it takes.  My HEAD knows that I will self-destruct my life and that God really has something wonderful for me.
My easily swayed heart insists that things will work out just as they have before - when I was 16 and thought I was hearing from the Lord.  A FLOOD of comparisons and past experiences swirl around and a deep hurt surfaces.  As much as my whole spirit longs to be united with the will of God, my heart refuses.  And I mean REFUSES to let go.
Its embarrassing that it keeps coming down to this!  But I'm done with this heart of mine. 
If it can't submit on its own,  I'm going to figure out why.  And I'm  GOING to get healed. 
No more waiting.  Its time for action.


Second thing:
Worship.

Something really hit me this week on a practical level and I'm excited to share it.
As a worship leader its inevitable that people will at one point or another be excited about what God ministered to them during a praise service and they'll feel compelled to share with the said worship leader about that experience.  Usually they exclaim simply that they love when that person leads worship or something of that form.  I've always wondered how one should respond to these kind of comments without making the commenter feel awkward and without taking the "glory" at the same time.

The Lord revealed to me today how utterly important it is for a person - and even more so, a designated leader to have a secret life with Him.  When a designated praise-leader steps up in front of a congregation and begins to give Jesus praise, they are essentially inviting OTHERS into their personal relationship with God.
If a praise leader doesn't have a close relationship with God, people will only be invited to go as deep as that person has. 
So how this applies to where I am (being point 1 of this entry.) I love the Lord.  I'm actively pursuing God with all my heart - even as very faulty as it goes at times, I've never been so full of praise for the Father before in my life.  I think this is mostly due to the fact that I'm facing the reality of my ugliness withOUT Him.  I'm being saved right before my very eyes - at this very moment - for something new.... now.   Wait.  Now.  No, now.  No NOW.
So when someone comes up and says, "I LOVE when you lead worship!"
Instead of feeling awkward and unsure of how to respond to what their words say, I'm finally beginning to hear that they really mean, "I LOVE going there.... I LOVE going where you go with the Lord."
And deep inside my heart the Lord is whispering to me, "I KNOW you don't feel qualified.  I KNOW you don't feel like you're worthy.  I KNOW you are unsure of your right standing with me at times.  ... But:  I LOVE when you go there with Me.  I LOVE going there with you.  And THEY do too and THAT is OKAY."

This - THIS is what the body is all about.  We - all going to our sacred places with the Lord - transparently sharing our hearts in true fellowship and communion, are spurring each other on to be one.  One with God and one with each other, with God.
And notice how I made the distinction between "Praise-leader" and "Worship-leader".
Worship is a lifestyle.  Praise is an action.
Praise is what we do on Sunday mornings with each other before the Lord..
Worship is where we're going and dwelling.

So as I praise the Lord - and as I go to that secret place which has been built on my history with Him - oh and also, as I do that in a public congregation - I become not only a leader of praise at that moment, but also a leader of worship - because I'm taking people to the most real place I know:  my place with God.  If this is done right - if this is done in full submission to the Spirit and done in the most humble, serving of ways, it will not "fill" people, but cause more awareness of their own hunger and thirst for a secret place where it is just them and God.  Its exhilarating - to be delightfully touched and entirely unsatisfied all in the same moment.
That is where the teaching comes in: you're not supposed to be filled on that Sunday morning for the rest of the week.  You're supposed to crave the presence of God by it. Its the one Good thing that you can never get too much of.  Its the one Good thing that transforms the untransformable into something beautiful. (And NO!  I don't mean Mega-tron turning into a Tonka Truck!)   Think dirt begin turned into a precious diamond.  Thing an agitating piece of sandish dust being turned into a prized pearl.  Only God can do these things.
Why SHOULDN'T we be fantastically excited when God allows us to experience the fragrance of the beauty He's working in the soul  of someone else with a heart just like ours?
And how insane is it that as a designated praise leader at my church, I'm not able to move beyond how NOT to think about everything with such a self centered mindset!
Dear Lord!  Center my entire self in You!
I have nothing Good  apart from You!

So that kind of shifted my paradigm a little.  


I apologize if this is disappointing to some of you. I AM self centered and I'm terribly young.  The good news is:  I'm growing and moving with God.  I'm not that good at it at times, but I  DO keep getting back up and running (or staggering) to the cross.  I'm finding that it's one of my most favorite places to be: in that shadow - eating the fruit of righteousness with great delight.  And the most startling thing of all is:  He sustains me still, and His banner over me is love.

Right now?  THAT is my good news.  I am a witness of this!  And its not over yet:  He's coming back.

"After all of the years, You're still here, You're still here.
After all of the time, there's still a smile on Your face.
You are so Good, You are so Good."

"Come near, O Burning One.  Come near, O Burning One.
Where can I run from You?  Where can I hide?
You're love has made an everlasting mark on my heart.

So fan the flame.  Fan this flame."

Anyway.  That's all I have for today.  Grace and Peace be with you all who love our Lord.

I'd like EXTRA Tomatoes and EXTRA Cucumbers, Please.

"Looking up through her lashes she settled her gaze upon a horizon promising hills and mountains and valleys silhouetted by a creatively splashed, evening sky.  Opening wide her arms she cried, "Ah!  My friends!" and continued forward, skipping securely on the heights." 

What does the Lord have for me?

Man, I've been asking this question for years, and the answer usually comes with the seasons.  AND ... its always changing.  It seems like God has a LOT for me.

Its been a very difficult season, certainly.  Its funny to me because people who see, hug me in a massive, enveloping embrace and look at me with shining eyes and whisper, "God is doing a deep work in your life, girl.  Oh He is...." and then, with a burst of delightful, joyous chuckling, I'm hugged again.

Its wonderful!  Except for one thing:  I don't feel it or see it at all.  Its nice that everyone ELSE can, but as for me?  My life is just one big compression of pressure and stress.
A few months ago I was fighting the Lord about why I was feeling this way, but TODAY... I'm like very flexible clay.  I just... whatever.
Whatever He wants - whats the point in fighting back?  Its better just to give in, and embrace the change.

Embrace the journey.

Love with no Expectations

Love with no expectations of it being reciprocated.

This idea has been presented to me over this last year and as painful as I know it must be, I remember telling God I wanted that kind of Love.
Interesting, He always seems to answer those kinds of prayers.

I think its loving people with no condition. There is actually no option to NOT love them. We are called to love one another - it is exactly what sets us apart. It is part of the great commandment Jesus gives us to love God and then to love each other, as WELL as later saying that we will be known as disciples because of our love for one another.

But what does that look like?

Do we really know our true tendency towards the opposite of love?

Do we really get how selfish and self centered we really are?

Submission.

What does THAT look like?

What does Love look like?

huh.


How about speaking the truth in love?

Or having love that is genuine and sincere?

Or what about actually SAYING "I love you" to people we really do?
Or saying "I love you" to people we really don't?


I would venture to say we should be offending ourselves with the flippancy we throw around the very nature of God.

hah! Romans 12 says, "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."

What DOES that look like, really?




hm. I don't know. All I know is that the Lord is calling me to love - WITHOUT expectation. Honoring my brothers and my sisters in the Lord. Being full of integrity towards them and guarding their hearts before Christ.

Sigh.


It really sucks though, when people don't get how important that stuff is... because then Love isn't as sacred or beautiful to them as it is to me, then is it?

Hah!

I think we just need to get to know God more.

That would solve everything, really. :)

Yes it would.

Distractions, distractions.

hm.. things I guess have been building up and I've been contemplative.
I know I'm extroverted, but I also know I take things in and mill them over alot. At SOME point, however, it comes right back out and I have to be the voice of my thoughts.

I'm just going to be really honest and say I've been struggling with distractions lately.

Now, here my heart out: I DO NOT WANT to be distracted. But I think that's the point, duh.
I'm distracted by new and different things. I'm the kind of person who loves a challenge, and I'll go right at it even if I know I very well might lose. Maybe its the chase?

No. I'm not a guy in a girls body, you've been watching too many movies.

I'm interested that I like the chase, and I wonder why I'm made that way and I was wonder THEN if I'm... I don't know, really messed up or something. And then I thought about it some more and realized that I'm only interested for so long, you know? If after a while, I don't begin to get some where, I'm going either all or nothing. So results? After an amount of time if there aren't any, I give up. If after a while I see a blossom of SOMETHING, you've got my attention entirely, even if I don't show it.

But so, this plays a part in distractions, I promise. My distractions have to do partially with the challenge. The chase. I want to know someone or something and if I don't begin to see results in a time I feel something should begin to show, my interest fades rapidly.

And then that thought leads to the thankfulness I have that God doesn't have such a short attention span as me! HAH!


I think my problem with distractions is thoroughly that it clouds my mind with all sorts of swirling thoughts that, to be honest, amount to absolutely nothing.

And, that's the point.

And I'm tired of it.

And I think part of my frustration is that, its a consistent thing where if I don't guard my mind, I'm BOUND to get distracted and lose focus on the important things that remind me of who I am, why I am and what I'm meant to do.

Can I just vent my frustration right now and say
ITS SO FREAKING ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!

Sigh.


See, and I know the answer to my very frustration. I guess I just forget and that is was gets me - I don't want to forget.

"Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You." --Psalm 119:11

NASB says "treasured". I guess that helps me a little better. (Can you tell I look these verses up on Bible gateway?) I love the NASB. I decided to look this verse up in that version and instead of "hidden" it said treasured.

And God even spoke to my heart through that in that - I need to treasure Him and HIS WORD.

I DO! So... hah. God's whole point is that I need to stop worrying about how I fall so short of His perfection. I know I'm human but I think I forget that I'm supposed to actually BE HUMAN.
I'm so glad God understands and has such patience for me. I'm so difficult sometimes!

But the whole thing about guarding one's mind - I have a Word for that - and its the perfect word I'm in love with this because its alive.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!
Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. Philip. 4:4-8

There's so much in this verse but... God has a lesson for me in all of it:

1. Rejoice in the Lord - You know what? My attitude sucks when I'm not reminding myself of who Jesus is and when I do THAT, I remember His faithfulness and when I do THAT - I'm filled with Joy. And guess what, folks? The Joy of the Lord is my strength and it gets me through every single day.

2. Heh, the idea of a "gentle spirit" is so close to me, as, even though I'm an outgoing loud sort of person, I'm ... not really like that before the Lord at all. I am me. Remove my personality, remove my responses and reactions to being around people - my spirit is responding souly to the Lord on the bases of intimacy before Him. So this part just makes me smile. Its a "reminder" verse of who I am.



so so far, 1. remember the Lord and who He is. 2. Remember who I am to Him.


continue?

3. Be anxious in nothing.

that's it.

Don't freaking worry all the stinken time, SARAH. Remember I'm NOT BOUND to sin! I'm NOT. God is in control. He is watching over me. For crying out loud if I made my bed in the pits of Hell, He is there. Whom shall I fear? WHAT shall I fear?

Worry is fear.

Fear is the opposite of freedom.

The end.

Don't worry.


4. But since God knows we need to release it somewhere, He tells us to bring it to Him. And this is SO good because to be honest, I bring Him just about everything that I'm thinking about and I'm glad He can handle it since I sometimes just can't.

Release it.


Okay.. so 1. Remember who God is. benefit: Joy. 2. Remember who I am in God. Benefit: reality check, haha. its good. 3. Because of 1 and 2, the things that are too great to bear are actually fading in the light of His Glory. So no need to worry. Benefit: a load of responsibility off your chest! 4. Release it to Jesus (cast your cares, your burdens upon Him, for He cares for You) Benefit: endless.


5. This allows for the peace of God to guard my heart AND my mind in Christ Jesus, making way for me to think about everything I DO want to think about that IS important!




This is so what I need to remember at work because its like I go into a totally different mode for work. I get focused but then in my focus on work, I lose focus on where my heart is before the Lord and it kind of gets lax. And that's when I become distracted when I have a few moments to think.

Hm.

I need to just treasure His Word in my heart, like David says.

This is definitely a pearl in and of itself though, I need to hold on to what I just wrote out here.


:)


Till next time...

BINGO

And as I was this Day

By Sarah Faithy, Early to mid 2005

Here I stand in happy gaze, the days are far not few
The sun is in my best, and the leaves, they're for me too.
The clouds, they swell with joyous pride, embracing light-heart phase
and as I was this day, my soul strains to seek Your face.

A day and two I sat therein, as it weeped outside
convinced was I, the clouds exposed what hid behind my eyes.
wretched was the world I saw, through my welled up tears
mangled in my disposition, I thus gave you my cares.

Hitherto I fight myself - that is, besides my foe.
for verbal deeds will nay get done, lest action be bestowed.
My will - the flesh. Stubborn, must die, submitting to it's place
though battered for severe mistakes, my soul was given grace.

Emerged - I did. the Sun was gray, as I beckoned forth.
My frame - cloaked in humility - my heart the brightest source.
For therein dwelt my love, my God, to which all else grows dim.
And though victory be mine that day, my soul, it dwells in Him.

I wonder if I'm the only one who seems to prophecy stuff over my life as I grow. Its like I'll say something but Jesus knew it would mean something so much greater as time went on.

I wrote this poem in 2005 as well.... but I had noooo clue that it would actually mean that I'd truly go through each phase. I had believed I had before! But there's something new about looking back on the things God was showing me a few years ago. Its that He knew what He would have me walk through.

I have to say, this poem is what my heart sings right now. Things seem so great when you're on a mountain top, but as you stand there, everything seems below you, you know? And if, like me, you've never experienced the kind the valley that it takes to keep you humble when you get to the next mountain top, you'll probably, like I do so often times, forget that you really NEED Him.

There are struggles we all inevitably must deal with - me? At this point in the game of life, my struggles are in my head. What lies will I believe? What truths will I speak over myself? Will I remember that the way I feel does not define what is true and will not shake the Rock I stand upon?

WILL I let my feelings shake me?

Hah. No.

I've found myself feeling some of the same anxieties I felt ermmm... probably the beginning of 2006. I remember feeling like my time would never come and I remember feeling like I was losing grip of something. I felt like all hope was lost - and well hey! A friendship was put on hold. One I cared deeply about.

But I'm different now. And I remind myself of that. And you know? The enemy is REALLY GOOD about bringing the past into the "Now" experiences. He's really good at bringing you BACK to something you've walked faaar far away from.

And the knowledge of this WILL be the end of this attack.

I am NOT who I was. I'm different now.

AND the situations are NOT the same now, as they were then.

And!!! HERE is the greatest thing of all!

I am NOT my emotions and my emotions usually DON'T tell the truth. They REFLECT what IS true - and what IS true is that I'm being reminded of the things that no longer ARE in my life and THAT must stop.

That right there is an amazing revelation if someone can wrap themselves around it... because I never would have even thought to think that way a year and a half ago.
I've come so far.

My emotions? They change. Over and over and over again. But they're not bad! They're a gift! But a wise woman will know that they are just to allow us to relate to Jesus more; NOT to lead us. Its the icing on the cake to feel something, good or bad.

So struggles - "Hitherto I fight myself - that is, besides my foe."
haha. Its so true.

But aaaah! How sweet victory is when you know that the One who has your back never forsook you? Instead, He cried with you, He laughed with you, He carried you, He shared with you in your sufferings..... and actually.... It was YOU who shared with Him in HIS sufferings because He's gone through it all before.


Isn't that just - amazing?!

He loves us!!!!! THE END.

Nothing can change it. It just is the way it is!

And you know? All my life all I focussed on was doing it right. Being right. Impress, impress, impress. I wanted to impress Him. I wanted to prove I was real. Wow. I actually... My entire life was spent proving things to people. I COULD climb a tree, even if I was a girl. I COULD beat the boys at their own game, even if I WAS a girl. I WONT EVER marry a potty (like the boys in kindergarten Sunday school used to tell me all the time) and FURTHERMORE, marrying a potty isn't even POSSIBLE, duh!?!. I AM an a plus student, I'm just bored with the freaking homework. I AM worth your time, if you would just give it to me. I AM talented I AM... I am I am I am by actions actions actions.


But Jesus.


JESUS is I AM.

And so now, I don't need to prove anything.
He delights in me just as I am.

No more proving anything. No more trying to be something I feel I need to be.
Now? Now He is showing me that His love for me is proof enough of who I really am. I am His.

Now all I need to do is be who He made me to be and to stay in His Love.
He loves me! He loves us. He's given us sooo much and He wants us to do something with it! But the world makes us prove that we have what it takes to be something great.

God isn't like that. WE have His love and His blessing, so we don't NEED to prove anything. Those two things are proof enough. So all we have to do is live in it and love in it and BE in it.

And you know?

We'll begin to glow.


Why?


Cause we'll be in love.

And isn't that really, the pursuit of every person on this earth?


BINGO.

Connect the dots, baby.

Thats why we're here.







AAAAAAHHHHH.



I thought I had emerged before, but this is different.

I think I might finally be catching something wild.
And you know?

So what if the sky is gray?

So what if everyhing around me is never going to be the same one day to the next?

I am His.

He is Mine.

He is Sovereign.

He holds all things together.

And I'll be okay.

And I'll be more then okay.

I'll be me.

And as I become me more and more, I'll be more like Him. And that'll be my witness.
But even then, I probably won't care. Because I'll be in love.
well.. I amm...


sheesh. I need to just stop. Or I'll go on forever.
Somedayyyy..... I will.


:)

Get back to Jesus, Kids. Grow up.

I've been feeling meloncholy as of late. Not because I'm depressed or having a pity party, but because I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately.

I've been thinking about how religious so many people are. I've been thinking about how two-faced so many of the people I know have become. I've never thought I was two faced, but to be honest, I HAVEN'T been honest. I put on the "everything is okay in love and ministry" face and that was never right of me. Its NOT okay in love and ministry. Its WRONG when it goes against God's word. And its WRONG when it causes disunity between His believers. One thing that God has laid on my heart as of late is the unity God wants for His followers to have with one another. We will be known by our love for one another.

Interesting.


Another thing: True love is revealed when hard times come and when its hard to love the people you say you love.


I've realized quite a few things with this truth: FIRST, that if you ask God to show you how to love like He does, He WILL, and it won't look like what you thought. And SECOND, many people do not know how to love the way God does.

I never knew this until the last year of my life.

When people say they love you, they really don't know they do until they DECIDE to love you anyway and PROVE that love through their acts of love towards any said person.

It has been a deeply saddening realization that what I have suspected to be true is true. I often love people more then they will ever love me. My naivety is that I believe they love me back in the same way I love them.

Something that hurts me as I watch many of my peers is that to them, (and even to me, to a certain extent) love is conditional.

I'll love you only as long as things feel good.

I'll love you only if you agree with me ALL the time.

I'll love you as long as you don't hurt my feelings.

I'll love you as long as you stay away from the person I like.

I'll love you as long as YOU take responsibility for why our relationship didn't work out.

I'll love you IF.

IF, IF IF.


I HATE THE WORD IF IN THIS CONTEXT!!


its BS.


God NEVER used IF when He told us to love one another. He NEVER gave His people, His followers a choice - a preference.

I love you EVEN if I can't be your friend right now because I don't agree with you.

I'll only love you IF you continue to go to the same church.

IF you try to work things out (like they have the right in the first place to assume that you didn't.)

IF you'll sweep the issues under the carpet.

IF you'll suck it up and go back to the people who critisize you the most.

IF you match up to MY ideal of courage.

IF you do things MY WAY.


I'm sorry... when did God say IF when it came to the unity of His body?

"Now thumb, you only have to help the OTHER fingers IF they can cordinate to what you're trying to do. If they aren't quite as cordinated as you, you can just be limp."

"Now hands, you only have to put your hair up in a pony-tale IF it works the first time. If not, you can let your eyes and mouth deal with having it wave all in its face."


What


THE


FREAKING


heck, guys?




Since when did God give us permission to slander each other within the church walls.


Yes! the church walls.


Are we not TEMPLES of a Holy Spirit?


Whether we contain anger or bitterness and how it not only then DWELLS in your temple but will then COME OUT and be taken in by OTHER temples of a Holy God?


Church, GET ON YOUR FACE.


You are NOT exempt from Judgment! You WILL stand before a Holy God and account for every person you ever gossipped about - every thing you DIDN'T do. EVERYthing you did. Every Idle you chased after. Every man you laid with, Bride!

Each ONE of us is guilty!! So who are we to pass judgment on each other if it is nothing to do with encouraging one another to do the right thing or building up each other with positive rebukes and true love and fruit coming out of the way we show conCERN for each other?!


YES I'M UPSET!


I'm not HERE to feel comfy in this religion where we can answer all the right answers and pretend we've got it all together cause, you know, we're saints now.


NO.



We'd BETTER be on our face repenting before a Sovereign God and we'd better HOPE that we're one of the sheep when He is weeding us out because I can assure you, the harvest is nearing with each day we waste living the New and Revised 21st Century American Dream reading our new americanized, de-sexualized, watered-down versions of a Bible we only buy because the covers are cool.


Guys?


I'm a freaking, damned to Hell - SINNER.


The only thing that makes me different is God's Grace that, praise the Lord, is in the business of transforming my heart to be soft and more like Jesus.

Without that, I'm done-fore.


But just because someone writes a convicting blog where YOU ASSUME they're NOT doing what they say the church should do, doesn't mean that they're not doing it.


You don't know where they meet God alone in their room.

You don't know what kind of prayer they dive into for the people they dont even know.

You don't know if they obey God even down to the little "pick up that piece of paper"s.

You DON'T know.


Its just YOUR responsibility to respond to God.

When God gives a word to you, you need to go before Him and deal with Him about your issues with people, and to be honest, ME.


Stop going to your "best friend". You don't even know how long God will bless you with that friendship. Stop going to "Your Mom". YOu may not know what kind of HER issues are rubbing off of you.

Stop going to "YOUR thought patterns". You're NOT always right and you never know what or HOW you are thinking may get in the way of the sort of things God wants to teach your heart.


I'm done with people not going to God about stuff. I'M done with that.


Now stop caring about what some dumb girl is saying and start wondering if God wants to speak to YOU through it.




For God's SAKE.

Political Awareness for The Church

Elliot Gaiser on the Government of the United States of America: a Fellow Believer's View.










I just want to make it clear that I completely endorse Elliot's view and agree with him souly. If you have issues with my political view, then so be it. But I'm not afraid to speak up about important issues. The people of America should be informed of their roots. AND the CHURCH should not be ignorant. This generation can make a difference if WE know that we can decide what kind of government we should talorate.