Start at the End

I just took a thought stanza from my journal and created a poem from it today.

I put a lot of deliberation into this little bit of my heart. :) As a (sort of acrostic) syllabic verse, this follows a alternating 7-6-6-7/6-6-6-7 format. Enjoy!


Please Don't Go Away - Start At The End
by Sarah Faith

Dancing down rolling hills
with a leap and a whirl
that flies out of control
my dear safe place spins Away.

Face to face with whats real
Not as spiritual
as I thought I had been.
Where did all my green grass Go?

Color isn't gone away
I find that its just bare.
No longer can I hide;
As of now I think I Don't.

Before Your eyes I end
My desperate little heart -
Reality of need.
Begin again, if You Please.

Dating and Marriage and Babies - OH MY!

Its unbelievable to me.  EVERY one is dating, marrying and having babies.  Its nuts.
It makes me wonder how God decides which people are going to find the right person and start their family right away and which people He kinda just...takes His time making anything happen in that arena of life.
I'm definitely not annoyed.  How can I be?  These people are my friends!  I'm so happy that God is moving in their lives and allowing it to grow and move forward.

But it definitely makes me wonder what God's ideal is for MY life.
Am I just... supposed to wait?  Am I supposed to GO?  And if I'm suppose to go, WHERE TO?

I'm coming to the end of my dream rope.  I don't really have any more dreams, honestly.  Whats so weird is that I always felt I was a big dreamer.  But I've noticed that the only dream I have is to be married and move forward in ministry with a husband.  Thats it.  Thats not even a BIG dream.  As I'm realizing, thats a NORMAL dream.  Unless you're me.  Because normal is all around me.  I, on the other hand seem to be the only abnormal human being out there.  Of course I'm not the only one!  I have a handful of friends who are in the same boat I'm in.  But here I am, 22 years old and I don't have any more dreams.  NADA.

WOW.  Nothing?!  Not even one?  Well I dream of being apart of something BIG!  But I have no clue what "big" means... or what "big" pertains to.

So John Wimber (founder of the Vineyard movement) shared once that he was struggling with why his ministry was only mediocre and without power and the Spirit spoke to him and said. "John, I see your ministry.  Now let Me show you Mine."

God's kinda whispering the same things to me.  "I see your dreams, Sarah.  Now let Me show you Mine."

But its been a process.  I've actually had to recognize and acknowledge that MY dreams for my life are NOT going to happen the way I thought.  I'm starting to let myself be okay with this.  And now the question is not, "God, why did You let this happen to me again?!?"  it becomes, "God...whats YOUR underlying plan in all of this?"  Its not, "God!  Why don't You see my dreams?" and it becomes, "God, when are You going to show me YOUR dreams for my life?"

Its a hard shift though.  The only way that God has been able to get me to let go of my childish, girlish dreams for love and romance is to show me that I can't accomplish them.  Ever, and especially on my own.  That in fact, once I open my clenching fists, I find that these little dreams disintegrated long ago and that I'm wasting time and energy trying to keep what was never mine to have.  God may have romance in mind... but its not the way I thought it would be.

Its a hard lesson to learn.  I'll tell you its true since it seems I'm still in the classroom retaking my test... again.

Its pretty surreal.
Friends marrying the "One" for them (and they KNOW that they know).  Having little ones that are practically mini-thems.  And I get to be Aunt "Waha".  I'm rewatching my parents younger years in my own life.  It wasn't so long ago that they were in the same place.  Twenty-two years goes by faster then I could imagine.  I just hope I'm not a waste of space here.  I need to know God is using my life for something important now if its not my time to have my own husband and children.
So many people say, "you're so young.  You've got so much time!"

I don't understand how they don't think that what they're saying is not only belittling of my feelings but also patronizing.

Yes, I'm young.  But I've been praying for my future husband since I was 12.  I've been actively waiting for this in my life for 10 years now.  I don't think thats a small feat.  I'm not an average girl.  Probably why this is so difficult for me.  I'm not even jealous!  I just feel so frustrated with the smallness of my life.
I'm trying so hard to be faithful.  When is God going to show up for me?  When will I begin to see the fruit of my investments into the Kingdom?  Doesn't God see me?

Of course He does.  I KNOW He does.  I'm in very constant connection with Him... though not as much as I ought.  But nevertheless, I cannot change  my feelings.
If this part of life isn't happening for me, what part is?  I'm determined to be okay with where I am, but its becoming increasingly difficult to be content when I don't even have a vision for my life beyond marriage.
What the heck is wrong with me? When did I stop dreaming and how do I start again?
What is my life amounting to?
Its great if others think I'm anointed to lead worship.  But its MY passion.  What HAS God anointed me to do?  Why am I not satisfied with just that?   OR is it that I need a fresh anointing - a renewed mind?
How do I get that?  How do I move out of this pit I'm stuck in?  How do I get my dance back?

A year ago God was moving my heart and giving me vision after vision for my life.
But - they're visions.  How do I live them out in real life?  And... where the heck is that dancer girl in me?
Where's the joy?  Where's the heaven-perspective?
I'm so hurt and I don't even know what to do to heal except for what I'm already doing: crying hard when it finds me and floods in.  Reading and meditating on the scriptures, especially on Jesus's words.  Focusing on my jobs and being busy with those, getting prayed for once in a while... and dealing with all the junk God keeps surfacing in my heart.  This is no glorious season for me.  I just said all of this and I still want to say, "I don't know what to say."

My heart is so restless.

Whats next?

I'd like EXTRA Tomatoes and EXTRA Cucumbers, Please.

"Looking up through her lashes she settled her gaze upon a horizon promising hills and mountains and valleys silhouetted by a creatively splashed, evening sky.  Opening wide her arms she cried, "Ah!  My friends!" and continued forward, skipping securely on the heights." 

What does the Lord have for me?

Man, I've been asking this question for years, and the answer usually comes with the seasons.  AND ... its always changing.  It seems like God has a LOT for me.

Its been a very difficult season, certainly.  Its funny to me because people who see, hug me in a massive, enveloping embrace and look at me with shining eyes and whisper, "God is doing a deep work in your life, girl.  Oh He is...." and then, with a burst of delightful, joyous chuckling, I'm hugged again.

Its wonderful!  Except for one thing:  I don't feel it or see it at all.  Its nice that everyone ELSE can, but as for me?  My life is just one big compression of pressure and stress.
A few months ago I was fighting the Lord about why I was feeling this way, but TODAY... I'm like very flexible clay.  I just... whatever.
Whatever He wants - whats the point in fighting back?  Its better just to give in, and embrace the change.

Embrace the journey.

Warrior Dancer is Presented with Destiny.

I have got to say, (and I know that this may even sound slightly dramatic, but stick with me) turning twenty-one was a huge milestone for me in the spirit.

Hah. Like the way I start my entry off? With a big, resounding, weighty statement.

Its true.

I have this journal. It was given to me the Christmas before I turned 18. I had seen it previously at a book store and thought to myself the moment I saw it, "THAT is the ONE."
THEN... I looked at the price and my following thought was, "That is NOT the one."

I remember my shoulders slouching. It was def. disappointing.

Then, I received a special gift from a friend I didn't expect a gift from: It was the exact journal, color and all. She had said she felt led to give it to me by the Lord.

When I saw it I thought to myself, "This journal will get me from my 18th year to my 21st year. I just KNOW it."

And I knew that, starting that lovely, genuine-leather-bound book, I was starting a special phase in my life. I titled my 7th journal, "My Story" and I knew it would be just that: a story.

And it was. I am so surprised what that journal reveals about my growth in the Lord. Its a very precious thing.

But... come my birthday, I was 2 pages away from being done. And I want to share with any of my fellow believers and also my readers what the Lord very specifically did to make my birthday a milestone in the spirit.

My birthday was quite uneventful. I didn't even get carded when I ordered a glass of wine with my lovely dinner with my parents!!!!

But, in the afternoon, I decided I was going to splurge my time and sit down and watch the movie rendition of Lord of the Ring's Return of the King.

About half way through the movie, Aragorn, heir to the throne of Gondor, is presented with the King's sword - the sword that defeated evil once, and would defeat evil again. The sword has a distinct symbolism of Aragorn's destiny. Elron, lord of the elves who had been at the first battle when the sword had been shattered, had welded it back together and came to Aragorn with it.

The scene is that Elron approaches Aragorn and holds out the sword with both hands. He tells him, "the time has come".

Aragorn hesitates for only a moment before he reaches for the sword and pulls it swiftly out of its sheath and its in that second Aragorn chooses to step into his destiny as King. And he COULD choose NOT to... but really, he's at a point of no return. The way to move is forward. Its inevitable that He would move into that role, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

See, because there's no turning back. He might have turned back when he met the hobbits for the first time and knew that they were being followed by Evil. He might of chosen to leave when he got them to the Elves in Rivendale. But he didn't. THAT is when He could have chosen a different way. But the presentation on the sword only came when it was clear He was too far in - and he was sold to seeing this through.

So. Thursday, the day after my birthday, I'm at the house of prayer and I'm being stirred to intercede for Cleveland. Thinking about Psalm 93 - Holiness adorns Your temple, Oh Lord, forever.
I was stirred deeply and thus made a painting of a tsunami wave of the Spirit and of Life and of Fire about to crash down on 4 main "temples". Individual hearts, Households, The Churches and the City. The second set began at 10, and within about 20 minutes of the set beginning, Carol (one of our night watch prayer-warriors) comes to me, gives me her usual, joyful hug and as I pull away, she says, "I HAVE something for you... for Your birthday!" with a twinkle in her eye.

She then pulls out a pair of worship flags and presents them to me with both hands. Now... this is not the first time I have received a worship flag. I'm a firm believer that God equips the one's He calls. The first time I was given a flag, it was by someone I had never met before and the Lord very specifically told her to give me a specific worship flag - an "angels wing" of sheen purple. Prophetic colors are important - and this color means, "Royalty". My name, Sarah, means princess. Flags are for designating tribes, etc etc. If you lose your place, look for the flag, and go back to your place. A flag bearer, then, is one who holds up their identity high, and mightily, especially in times of war.

The flags Carol gave me are a sheer and glimmering white, and the one is bordered on either side in blue - with a Star of David on the front. When Carol unrolled it for me to see the star, the Spirit nudged me and I thought, "This means war."

And it was then that I knew - I'm a warrior in the spirit, and when I dance, I break down barriers, shatter strongholds and dance upon injustice - my dance is a prophetic gift just as my "painting pictures" is, or singing over people etc etc.

And The Lord gave me a picture of 2 armies going out to meet one another in a massive field. The adversary was already in place. The other side was the army of the Lord. People and angels of fall sizes and ranks. They were marching forward to take their place. But about 100 paces forward, there was a dancer. She was in a white dress with a flowing skirt, and she had a sash of red and blue - red symbolizing Salvation, and therefore, grace. And Blue symbolizing the Spirit like water - being baptized thereof. And she had 2 multi-colored streamers that were like smooth rainbows. And she was whirling and leaping and twirling about and her sash of blue and red would sometimes look purple - which symbolizes her identity and her rank. She is clearly a child of God. And her dance was very clearly a war dance. And Joy surrounded it in such a way that you knew who's army she was apart of and you also knew which army would win. It was a victory dance. And it was intense and strong and very very mighty.

She was the only dancer in that part. But the message is that she is not the only one in the body of Christ. But for this vision, she was set apart to designate her specific role. She was alone. She was closer to the enemy. She was on the very forefront. She saw it clearer then the army did. And? She was not afraid. In fact - the enemy could not, by spiritual law, shoot at her. She was under protection. The enemy could not touch her. It had no leeway to do so. She seemed to dance in the confidence of that protection. Her protection was peace. She was not worried or afraid. She was light and free.

THAT calling - that destiny - that place ... in the spirit, Is mine.

And I'm blown away at the privilege I have to be given a position of a flag bearer and a dancer.

Does that really change how I look in the physical? Nah. :) I'm doin the same stuff I know I'm supposed to. But I'm entirely overjoyed at the clear direction and placing I have in the army of the Lord for this season and time of my life. I don't quite know what it'll look like, but I think that's why I have a new journal - so I can record it all as I figure it out and go along. :)


Anyway. that's about it. I know this was a particularly long blog, but nevertheless, a thorough one at that.

Blessings - Sarah