Dating and Marriage and Babies - OH MY!

Its unbelievable to me.  EVERY one is dating, marrying and having babies.  Its nuts.
It makes me wonder how God decides which people are going to find the right person and start their family right away and which people He kinda just...takes His time making anything happen in that arena of life.
I'm definitely not annoyed.  How can I be?  These people are my friends!  I'm so happy that God is moving in their lives and allowing it to grow and move forward.

But it definitely makes me wonder what God's ideal is for MY life.
Am I just... supposed to wait?  Am I supposed to GO?  And if I'm suppose to go, WHERE TO?

I'm coming to the end of my dream rope.  I don't really have any more dreams, honestly.  Whats so weird is that I always felt I was a big dreamer.  But I've noticed that the only dream I have is to be married and move forward in ministry with a husband.  Thats it.  Thats not even a BIG dream.  As I'm realizing, thats a NORMAL dream.  Unless you're me.  Because normal is all around me.  I, on the other hand seem to be the only abnormal human being out there.  Of course I'm not the only one!  I have a handful of friends who are in the same boat I'm in.  But here I am, 22 years old and I don't have any more dreams.  NADA.

WOW.  Nothing?!  Not even one?  Well I dream of being apart of something BIG!  But I have no clue what "big" means... or what "big" pertains to.

So John Wimber (founder of the Vineyard movement) shared once that he was struggling with why his ministry was only mediocre and without power and the Spirit spoke to him and said. "John, I see your ministry.  Now let Me show you Mine."

God's kinda whispering the same things to me.  "I see your dreams, Sarah.  Now let Me show you Mine."

But its been a process.  I've actually had to recognize and acknowledge that MY dreams for my life are NOT going to happen the way I thought.  I'm starting to let myself be okay with this.  And now the question is not, "God, why did You let this happen to me again?!?"  it becomes, "God...whats YOUR underlying plan in all of this?"  Its not, "God!  Why don't You see my dreams?" and it becomes, "God, when are You going to show me YOUR dreams for my life?"

Its a hard shift though.  The only way that God has been able to get me to let go of my childish, girlish dreams for love and romance is to show me that I can't accomplish them.  Ever, and especially on my own.  That in fact, once I open my clenching fists, I find that these little dreams disintegrated long ago and that I'm wasting time and energy trying to keep what was never mine to have.  God may have romance in mind... but its not the way I thought it would be.

Its a hard lesson to learn.  I'll tell you its true since it seems I'm still in the classroom retaking my test... again.

Its pretty surreal.
Friends marrying the "One" for them (and they KNOW that they know).  Having little ones that are practically mini-thems.  And I get to be Aunt "Waha".  I'm rewatching my parents younger years in my own life.  It wasn't so long ago that they were in the same place.  Twenty-two years goes by faster then I could imagine.  I just hope I'm not a waste of space here.  I need to know God is using my life for something important now if its not my time to have my own husband and children.
So many people say, "you're so young.  You've got so much time!"

I don't understand how they don't think that what they're saying is not only belittling of my feelings but also patronizing.

Yes, I'm young.  But I've been praying for my future husband since I was 12.  I've been actively waiting for this in my life for 10 years now.  I don't think thats a small feat.  I'm not an average girl.  Probably why this is so difficult for me.  I'm not even jealous!  I just feel so frustrated with the smallness of my life.
I'm trying so hard to be faithful.  When is God going to show up for me?  When will I begin to see the fruit of my investments into the Kingdom?  Doesn't God see me?

Of course He does.  I KNOW He does.  I'm in very constant connection with Him... though not as much as I ought.  But nevertheless, I cannot change  my feelings.
If this part of life isn't happening for me, what part is?  I'm determined to be okay with where I am, but its becoming increasingly difficult to be content when I don't even have a vision for my life beyond marriage.
What the heck is wrong with me? When did I stop dreaming and how do I start again?
What is my life amounting to?
Its great if others think I'm anointed to lead worship.  But its MY passion.  What HAS God anointed me to do?  Why am I not satisfied with just that?   OR is it that I need a fresh anointing - a renewed mind?
How do I get that?  How do I move out of this pit I'm stuck in?  How do I get my dance back?

A year ago God was moving my heart and giving me vision after vision for my life.
But - they're visions.  How do I live them out in real life?  And... where the heck is that dancer girl in me?
Where's the joy?  Where's the heaven-perspective?
I'm so hurt and I don't even know what to do to heal except for what I'm already doing: crying hard when it finds me and floods in.  Reading and meditating on the scriptures, especially on Jesus's words.  Focusing on my jobs and being busy with those, getting prayed for once in a while... and dealing with all the junk God keeps surfacing in my heart.  This is no glorious season for me.  I just said all of this and I still want to say, "I don't know what to say."

My heart is so restless.

Whats next?

But, He was not in the Wind...He was in my Car.

I'm surprised at how much I'm writing recently... but after quite the lull in my creative streak, I'm back;  probably because I finally have something useful to say.

I think... that I'm at a place where when heartbreaking things happen to me, I can't fight God anymore about it.

I'm at a point where I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of asking questions that I'm not sure I'm supposed to know the answer to.

I must say though:  I am proud that I did what I was supposed to.  I'm proud that I did the right thing - and didn't  hide who I was or shrink back in what I believe in all of this.
If  I'm not supposed to go a certain route in this journey with God, then there's nothing that can keep me going that way, if I'm truly following Him. For that, I am grateful.  He is so sovereign.
I know I'm going to be okay.  In a way, I'm relieved because I finally feel like I have a grasp on whats going on in my life now - love life, really.
God is going on in my love life.

Brought Low

Is it okay if I say that I'm feeling pretty indescribable?

Its been a pretty challenging time thus far, and O to wonder if that is the pace for this upcoming year of mine.

To face insecurities? To challenge lies?

To stare back, boldly standing in the gaze of my newest revealed fears?

Aha. Sounds so... honorable. So courageous. So brave.

But to me? It sounds ... painful. hah!


Yet, I want to learn what it looks like to have authority as a Daughter of God.

To pray and see things happen.

But my faith bust be grown.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

I most certainly am not complaining over life's complications and little complex situations we so often find ourselves in. But neither will you hear me pretend that these sort of things aren't trying, most of the time. Its a pretty real place to be with the Lord. He's got this big thing in mind, and in my little narrow-minded, compact self, I am unable to wrap my understanding around how sovereign He really is.

But ... though I do not hold the capacity for such knowledge, I DO have the capacity to believe it to be true. And you know how big that capacity is? It can be as little as a mustard seed. But Oh! The fruit it will bear in its due season!



Sigh. I don't know.


You know what?

I'm in this place where...

okay. Illustration.


I'm sitting.


In the prayer room, right? I have had a pretty.... "eh" week. Lets just say (if I can be perfectly honest) it hasn't been one of my most "be a super-christian!" weeks.

In fact - I have been seriously dealing with some sin issues in my life MAINLY ... because of my lack of guard. So, on this particular evening, not very long ago at all, I find myself walking into the prayer room with some anger inside. I'm angry at myself because of where I think I should be, and am not, AND, I'm a little hurt by a previous encounter with a friend.

AND ... I'm mad at myself for how the whole situation makes me feel.

So I'm sitting in the prayer room.

An hour goes by. Finally, towards the end of this hour, I finally begin to process.

How long am I really going to go like this? Really?

And in all my "ehhgh" feelings, I begin to really face the Lord.

And that's when He nudges my heart (Which has been condemning me all day at this point.)

Lord? I DON'T feel very spiritual right now. I don't even care to say this. In fact, I ... just absolutely don't get this whole grace and righteousness thing. \


And so goes my honest little heart with the Lord.

I've definitely been in the business of shocking people when I talk about how I sometimes talk with the Lord.

Hah. You know what? I've been doin this for 10 years of my life. I'm pretty sure that if God wanted to shoot me with a lightning bolt, he woulda done it already.

(sorry, sarcasm...and yet not mean sarcasm. just blunt.)

And to be honest? For me to talk this way with the Lord is the most humbling experience because I actually have to admit that I am not perfect. I have to admit that I don't measure up.

I spend my whole life being good at everything and measuring up and pleasing and being the favorite and the good one.

But the truth is?



I don't measure up. And? The standards aren't His. I'm accomplishing nothing in my own strength.


Figures.


And He whispers to me in the most tender, truthful way, "Sarah, its okay."



Its OKAY to be sitting in that chair in the place that I am. Its really okay.

And that's when I realize: I GOT NOTHING.

NADA!


ZIP!


ZERO!




NOTTTHING to bring to Him except exactly what I am at that very moment.

And what I have to bring is so ugly.

And then all I can think about is how I HATE this body.

I HATE this jar of clay.

There is SO much treasure waiting for ME, EVEN inside, that I don't know about and yet I have to deal with a shell of flesh that is tenaciously prone towards sin.


I got nothin.


Apart from Him, there is no good in me.


And as my heart began to grasp this little idea, the lights were turned down for the next set. And we began to sing this song:

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom


How wide, how deep, how great is Your love for me?


We sing it as a statement... but isn't it meant as a question?

Do we have the nerve to actually ask this of the Lord?



Who couldn't?!


Humbled?

hm.


I am indeed being brought low.

for sure.

Blessed are the poor is spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God.

I marvel at how the Lord uses the most distinct, broken situations and, within His calculated life-equations, we are very particularly drawn to Him in our desperate state of dire need of Him.

Such is the place I find myself this week.

Slammed.


I feel slammed. Slammed like a blow to the stomach. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me, and I can honestly say that many members of my family feel the same way.

Does this ever end?


YES.

One day.


Not today.


Today - the Light and the Love of men came and let Himself shine is some areas that none of us even knew existed. It has revealed rebellion, and MUCH devastation.

Interesting, how we never quite realize what we're asking of Him when we ask for Him to reveal His glory in our lives, isn't it?

I've been praying for a while now, that the Lord would help our family.

He IS.

But its not only humbling, its heart-breaking.

I don't think I've ever quite experienced this 'outside' love that I'm beginning to have for my family.

I don't view them the way I used to anymore.
When I look at them, I look at them like my brothers and sisters in the Lord - mother and father included. Of course there's a certain respect you must have... but I will say, there is no one who has been through as much with each other as a family.

There's the most opportunity for betrayal and wounding, but there is also the same amount of opportunity for loving, grace and mercy and build up amongst believers.

I see this potential both ways in my family.
I also see that God's heart breaks for them as well.

It breaks for me.

It breaks for you.

Why?

Because He is full of compassion.

Yet, He is full of judgment. That allows us to make our decisions and then face the consequences of them.

We? We also, then, need to be full of compassion. Judging what is of God and what is not.

Combining grace with truth, dealing with all things through wisdom and discernment.

Am I the master of this?
Absolutely not.
But it starts with awareness and also, understanding.

I don't have any conclusions to this thought process. And to be honest? I know its okay. I guess I'm dealing with a maraud of emotions, and I dare say I find myself struggling with situations that I cannot help except trust that God has a plan.

I will leave you with something that has entirely encouraged me all week.

Faith - faith is built and grown based off of a knowledge of who God is. The more you know God, the more you trust Him, the greater your faith is.

So then, God's whole plan of faith has everything to do with the idea that you would know Him. And He desires that we would know Him.

Blows me away, really. So all this time, I get lost in the equation itself that I forget that the main reason I'm doing it at all is that I'm supposed to get something out of it.

I get lost in figuring out how to live my life in a way that is righteous that I forget that - the ONLY thing He wants from me is to KNOW Him. To LOVE Him and that, DUH, EVERYTHING will line up as I pursue that One Thing.

So Paul - is better understood when He says that He takes great joy in trials and tribulations - because He KNOWS God and trusts Him in everything, even the unpleasant surprises and happenings.

THIS situation with my family? Absolutely no exception, whatsoever.


The End.

Ouch

you know, Lord?

This sucks.

I feel used, I feel invisible and I feel like just another girl.
It sucks that I feel that way.
Of course, I asked You to use me. I shouldn't be complaining!

me: "Lord!! Use me Use me Use me!!!!!!"
God: "Okay!"

later...

Me: "God!!! I feel so used!"
God: "But you said.."
Me: ".....I'm sorry, this just...I feel like I didn't even benifit from this. I feel like all it did was hurt me and give me a lesson learned."
God: "Sarah..."
Me: "Wait.. I know I'm so selfish. I SHOULDN'T sit here and tell you I didn't get anything out of this and complain. But God... .... and I don't WANT to complain, and I'll try NOT to, Jesus! Its just that... and I know I deserve a lot of what I get, but ... why me? Of all the people who.. I guess the question really is why NOT me? Lord, this hurts, I don't understand but I give this to you. I trust You, Lord. I do. Its just hard. Give me joy."
God: "Sarah, I love you, darling. I will be gentle. You are strong in Me. You'll see. You will dance. You will shout. You will bring glory. Just don't forget Me now. Press on. You'll see My will in due time, dear Child. I love you."

Sigh.

here I am

screwed up

beat up.

feeling hung out to dry.

I feel like an idiot.

I wear my heart on my sleave.

I give and give, and then cry and hurt when people throw it back.
I want to NOT give... but... I'm meant to.
and I screwed up.
maybe thats why this hurts more... because of my choices.
I didn't guard my heart.


sigh.

but its not broken.
and I'm not strong.

But God Is.


thats all the reason I need.

Myrrhy Christmas...

My heart hurts more then I've ever known it to hurt before. It has ached, it has morned, but it has never actually hurt like this before. I wrote this poem before I knew I would need it. I suppose God knew though.

Maybe what hurts the most is that everything that is going on right now is what God wants, as far as I can see.

I'm not acting out of emotion, I'm acting out of faith. For those of you who don't know how that feels, I'll give you this: "Pain is not the phrase to feel exactly how I do. Ache comes close but even so, its meaning is but crude."

Now, with that being said, here is the rawness of my heart.




When its in My Hands
by Sarah Faith, 12-21-06


Another break, another crack
all within my hands.
A tear, a heave, a sigh, my needs
all withered with my plans.
I hold them dear, every slice -
all crumbs and goods enclosed,
and watch as every porcelain piece
cracks with each tear down my nose.
"Lord! I'm careful, gentle, kind!
I've tried my best I swear!
So why is it that when its mine,
It gets broken when I share?"
Looking down, I take in view
the intricate detail
of every hue, of every charm
my hear had once entailed.
My eyes, they filled with tears again
as if they'd never cried,
as I held the pieces of
my most important of insides.
I hold them out to look again,
thinking of what I'd do,
Should I try some duct tape,
or this time, super glue?
I look up from my thoughts,
into familiar eyes,
And once again, I break down
as if I'd never before cried.
I held out my broken heart,
wrapped up in my soul,
"Lord I broke it again,
When I took it back to hold."
I handed it all over,
gently dropping piece by piece,
the heart that once was whole
that now needed fixed.
A tear dropped from His eye,
the same time one did mine,
and His told me of the pain
He knew, and more, inside.
He gently held my heart,
as His tear fell down His cheek,
and dropped with distinct aim
into my shattered mess with peace.
Before my very eyes,
I then saw with all form
my heart was being healed
as He reached out to my core.
"This will take some time, dear one,
but I will help and share
the burdens that you carry
with the worries and the cares.
Let Me hold your heart again,
and you will finally see
that sharing of your heart, My child,
is showing them to Me.
And then, maybe someday,
they will do the same,
they'll give their hearts back to Me,
again and again.
But remember one thing, Child,
when your heart is in My hands,
Your needs and dreams
will far exceed, all your hopes and plans.



I'm hoping that all this will be as Myrrh unto God.

"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
when sarrows and sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast tought me to say
even so, it is well with my soul."