Life-Changing, Radical Obedience

Have you ever had times in your life where the entire paradigm of your view changes?

Its like you can only see certain things or you can only see things in a certain way and your mentality could never have imagined another way?


Something I'm realizing about myself is - the way I make decisions.   I calculate all the possibilities my imagination can conjure up and then based on those options I do process of elimination based on common sense and pros and cons. 
So in essence, even though I can multi-task considerably well and have the ability and the capacity to be open-minded,  I am one track minded in nature by default. 


This being said, you can imagine that the Lord's way with me includes changing things up a bit now and again.

So, a few words sum up what I'm about to talk about in this blog:
Letting Go
Praying new prayers
Radical obedience
and
Faith.


Now,  being apart of a Vineyard church, we are of course fans of our founder, John Wimber.
Christy Wimber, one of his relatives pastors a church out in CA and she visits every now and then.  While she was here this past month, she said something that really hit me square at home in my heart.
She said, "Now, I KNOW that when God asks me to let go of something that's hard to let go of, He's about to do something new in my life."

Now over the past year, I've been wrestling with God about a few different things that I WANTED to let go of but could NOT, within my own strength.  The lesson learned in this was invaluable to me as I learned that I was entirely bound to my own sin patterns and COULD NOT unbind myself by my own strength.  Nor could I wrestle God into doing what I wanted Him to do.  Ultimately, I'm ugly in my sin, I can't change it AND ... that's that.  But God.  Those two words become the most precious in my life.  But God - so loved us.
But God.

So this happened over the new year and when I concluded that I can do NO good thing within myself and I needed God to LET GO at ALL -He released me. And I could.
  Kind of  like the story of Jacob wrestling God?  Yeah.  2011 in a nutshell for me.  Except I begged God to let ME let HIM go.  Pride my friends will never be beautiful. You can cover it up and you can sugar coat it, but when you ask God to do what it takes, make no mistake about it, He will.
That is what I love about Him.

When I was released from the things I couldn't let go of, things became disorienting for me.
I've often felt like I don't fit well or for very long into places I find myself in - and for the most part I just accepted that this is inevitable for me since I've felt like this since a child.
But God has been doing MUCH in the arena of my identity and putting down roots has been a lot easier for me.  Especially as friendships develop.
But after all of this wrestling, my life seemed empty and my purpose left blank.  What now, Lord?

Great question!

When you let go of something, God has got something new on the horizon.
Or at least for me, lots of old things.

Things I've forgotten about for years, actually.  Its really awesome because they're little things that only I would know about but He's proving Himself faithful because even though I forgot about them, He never did.

But that's still disorienting because I'm not moving in those callings at this point.

I think the place I find myself in, though small in its beginning, is a very defining one.  Its a place of memorial.  Kind of like in the Old Testament when God tells Israel to make a memorial so as to remember what He did for them.  Here - here in this place is a new chance to die.  Again.  To myself.

Its really cool actually because what's happening is something I've never done in my life before.
I'm obeying without question.  Or at least trying to.  I'm finding out that without love, "being good" is just moralism as a means to get what we want.
The standards God sets for us personally and by His word are just rules to follow if we don't know how to really love and trust God.
"If you love Me, you'll obey my commands."  -John 14:15
The joy I'm finding in all of this is that as I learn God's love for me, I can't help but love Him the same way - by imitation.  All of a sudden, what was a sacrifice for me before becomes an offering - a PLEASURE for me to give.  It is a pleasure for me to obey the Lord.
I don't know about you guys, but I've always had a problem with obeying God when I don't understand or when I just plain don't WANT to.  It never occurred to me to ASK Him to give me the strength to say yes to Him.  The DESIRE to pray this prayer never even crossed my heart.  What a SWEET prayer!
I'm all about praying risky prayers.  I WANT to give it all!  I WANT to see my life fully surrendered to Jesus!  I WANT to move in His Spirit and with authority and power for His glory.
I can't do that without giving permission for God to "do whatever it takes."

So a new prayer is asking God to give me the strength to say yes.


Now some may argue that I always have a choice.
Yes.
But no.  My choice is that I have none.
My choice is obedience.  Because I love Him.  I can't go back - I don't even know how I could!
Its kind of like Frodo and the ring.  Yes, he had a choice but... he was chosen.  He was a slave to completing his task even if it meant unto death.
I feel the same way about following the Lord.
Its not an option to NOT love God.  I can't not.  To love is to obey.  I can't then, NOT obey.

Now - I don't have the ability to obey in my own strength, this I know.  I've tried this very recently and I found that it is impossible.  I could "say" I obey and in action look like I am, but God is the great Judge of our hearts and we cannot fool Him even if we succeed in fooling ourselves.
So - to walk in the way I choose, I cannot have anything of myself.
AS I decrease, He is increasing.
When my life is based in this, beautiful and holy and pure, HOW can I go back? Why would I want to be in the dark when my life is becoming increasingly enraptured with light and true life? That would blaspheme the Holy Spirit.
Once one is presented with the truth, you can't go back into oblivion.  It becomes a deliberate decision.  I can't choose oblivion and unchoose God.   Therefore, as a servant, it is the call of my life to obey - to worship God in obedience regardless of feelings.
Now, a few things have happened since I last posted:
My mission trip to Mozambique has been canceled. Airfare is way overpriced.  And - I've raised all but about about 300 dollars of the 3000 that I needed.  NOW WHAT?!  Have I used the word disoriented a lot?  That's because this is how its been this last month.  Why did I feel God's prompting for this trip?  Why was all the money raised so quickly?  What is God's plan for that money?  I need direction.  I need to walk in faith.

So with THIS being stated, a quick story.
2 doors down from the office I work at within a small plaza, there is a music/record store owned by a crippled man.  It takes him probably 5-6 minutes to walk to the door from his handicapped parking spot - a walk that would take any of of us 5 seconds. He's not necessarily the nicest man either - gruff.  He's not that old -mid 40's at the most.
the last 2 weeks God has been putting it in my heart to pray for his heart to be softened.
THEN it occurred to me that as a person who believes that the power of the Kingdom of God is within me, I should act in faith and ask if he would like prayer to be healed.
Now - I don't have any gifts of healing to my knowledge.  But - that would mean that God would have to do His thing - and that is exactly what I felt the Lord had in mind.
But for a week I procrastinated the development of the idea because - what if nothing happened?
The thought didn't go away and I knew that I wasn't being obedient to what Jesus commissioned us to do - He SAID that one of the signs that will follow believers is that they would lay hands on the sick and they would recover.
The other thing is - the store is filled with yucky feeling spirits.  Demonic music - demonic things inside.
But on lunch a few days ago, I couldn't do it anymore.  I was intensely convinced that regardless of my feelings and "don't do this!" thoughts, I HAD to move.  What if God was waiting for me to act in faith and obedience so HE could move? What if in my disobedience, I was hindering God's process of moving things in MY life?  I couldn't afford to not obey.
So I went.
I told the man (Phil) that God had me praying for him for the last few weeks and at that point, I had a prophetic word for him as well.  He let me pray for him, and you know?  nothing happened before my very eyes.  And I told him that God had a plan for me to come to him that day for a reason - I didn't know what that was, but maybe he should ask God what its all about, since he said he prayed every morning.

And - I went back to my office with my lunch.  And I cried.
I did something huge, my friends.  I risked what I felt was everything and moved to advance the Kingdom.
But mostly I acted in deliberate faith, paying the cost of possibly foolishness - in act of love and worship to my Father.
It cost me something I've never paid before, and it was the most freeing, scary - moving thing I've ever done in my life.

I'M GROWING, GUYS!!!!

John Wimber said faith is spelled R-I-S-K.
A friend pointed out that according to John then, risk is my middle name.
I never thought about it that way before.
But one of the visions for my life that I believe God has given me is to live a life of radical faith - complete obedience.  God doesn't need the most intelligent, genius person to accomplish big things, guys.
God needs a willing vessel -a regular, every day person who is willing to say, "Yes, Lord."
I'm done dreaming of being that person.  Its time I just started living it.
I'm an adult, no body's stopping me, right?  What am I waiting for?
Jon Foreman couldn'tve voiced a more profound statement in the form of the question:

"This is your life - are you who you want to be?"


So NOW what?!

I'm praying about what God's purpose for this money is.
I'll be writing letters to all the people who gave to either return it or ask them to pray that God would make it clear what His plan is for it.

Pray with me, friends?
Who KNOWS what the Lord has for those who love Him. :)

Trust That Love

"And so we know the love that God has for us, and we trust that love."  1 John 4:16

You know,  I was going to say its been a while since I've written, but the truth is, I've been through a LOT since the last time I wrote.  I don't even know if there's really a way to explain it, either.
But I'll try.  2 things: Where I am, and worship.

First thing:

I guess it all comes down to this:  Do I or don't I trust God.

I mean its as simply put as it gets.
Its the strangest experience:  I LONG to trust God ... will to trust God but every analyzing thought that picks my life apart into a billion pieces tells me that I'm obsessed with control.
And you know?  There's so many reasons I could give about it too.
I've been hurt.  I've gotten it wrong.  I've heard God wrong.  I don't want to do that again.  People suck.  My life sucks.  I suck!

And C'mon, nothing really sucks.  It only does when I lean on my own understanding and try to figure everything out.

Why can't God just surprise me with the life He wants me to live?
Why do I keep hitting this brick wall?
I've never been closer to the Lord.
I've never heard Him so clear in my life.
I've never understood so much of the scriptures.
I've never understood so little.
I've never trusted Him so much
and I promise!  I have never trusted Him so little.
I'm caught between accepting all the dreams and visions and longings that drive me and hating the very things that make me come alive.
Mostly because its hard to hope when you've been so disappointed in your life.

Back in the summer I wrote to the Lord,  "Maybe I've been using hope the wrong way.  I have all sorts of visions and dreams for every part of my life.  But coincidentally, just as much as they can't happen withOUT You, they won't look the way I thought they would WITH You, either."
Nothing else could have said it better.

I'm ready to fight again.  I don't care what it takes.  My HEAD knows that I will self-destruct my life and that God really has something wonderful for me.
My easily swayed heart insists that things will work out just as they have before - when I was 16 and thought I was hearing from the Lord.  A FLOOD of comparisons and past experiences swirl around and a deep hurt surfaces.  As much as my whole spirit longs to be united with the will of God, my heart refuses.  And I mean REFUSES to let go.
Its embarrassing that it keeps coming down to this!  But I'm done with this heart of mine. 
If it can't submit on its own,  I'm going to figure out why.  And I'm  GOING to get healed. 
No more waiting.  Its time for action.


Second thing:
Worship.

Something really hit me this week on a practical level and I'm excited to share it.
As a worship leader its inevitable that people will at one point or another be excited about what God ministered to them during a praise service and they'll feel compelled to share with the said worship leader about that experience.  Usually they exclaim simply that they love when that person leads worship or something of that form.  I've always wondered how one should respond to these kind of comments without making the commenter feel awkward and without taking the "glory" at the same time.

The Lord revealed to me today how utterly important it is for a person - and even more so, a designated leader to have a secret life with Him.  When a designated praise-leader steps up in front of a congregation and begins to give Jesus praise, they are essentially inviting OTHERS into their personal relationship with God.
If a praise leader doesn't have a close relationship with God, people will only be invited to go as deep as that person has. 
So how this applies to where I am (being point 1 of this entry.) I love the Lord.  I'm actively pursuing God with all my heart - even as very faulty as it goes at times, I've never been so full of praise for the Father before in my life.  I think this is mostly due to the fact that I'm facing the reality of my ugliness withOUT Him.  I'm being saved right before my very eyes - at this very moment - for something new.... now.   Wait.  Now.  No, now.  No NOW.
So when someone comes up and says, "I LOVE when you lead worship!"
Instead of feeling awkward and unsure of how to respond to what their words say, I'm finally beginning to hear that they really mean, "I LOVE going there.... I LOVE going where you go with the Lord."
And deep inside my heart the Lord is whispering to me, "I KNOW you don't feel qualified.  I KNOW you don't feel like you're worthy.  I KNOW you are unsure of your right standing with me at times.  ... But:  I LOVE when you go there with Me.  I LOVE going there with you.  And THEY do too and THAT is OKAY."

This - THIS is what the body is all about.  We - all going to our sacred places with the Lord - transparently sharing our hearts in true fellowship and communion, are spurring each other on to be one.  One with God and one with each other, with God.
And notice how I made the distinction between "Praise-leader" and "Worship-leader".
Worship is a lifestyle.  Praise is an action.
Praise is what we do on Sunday mornings with each other before the Lord..
Worship is where we're going and dwelling.

So as I praise the Lord - and as I go to that secret place which has been built on my history with Him - oh and also, as I do that in a public congregation - I become not only a leader of praise at that moment, but also a leader of worship - because I'm taking people to the most real place I know:  my place with God.  If this is done right - if this is done in full submission to the Spirit and done in the most humble, serving of ways, it will not "fill" people, but cause more awareness of their own hunger and thirst for a secret place where it is just them and God.  Its exhilarating - to be delightfully touched and entirely unsatisfied all in the same moment.
That is where the teaching comes in: you're not supposed to be filled on that Sunday morning for the rest of the week.  You're supposed to crave the presence of God by it. Its the one Good thing that you can never get too much of.  Its the one Good thing that transforms the untransformable into something beautiful. (And NO!  I don't mean Mega-tron turning into a Tonka Truck!)   Think dirt begin turned into a precious diamond.  Thing an agitating piece of sandish dust being turned into a prized pearl.  Only God can do these things.
Why SHOULDN'T we be fantastically excited when God allows us to experience the fragrance of the beauty He's working in the soul  of someone else with a heart just like ours?
And how insane is it that as a designated praise leader at my church, I'm not able to move beyond how NOT to think about everything with such a self centered mindset!
Dear Lord!  Center my entire self in You!
I have nothing Good  apart from You!

So that kind of shifted my paradigm a little.  


I apologize if this is disappointing to some of you. I AM self centered and I'm terribly young.  The good news is:  I'm growing and moving with God.  I'm not that good at it at times, but I  DO keep getting back up and running (or staggering) to the cross.  I'm finding that it's one of my most favorite places to be: in that shadow - eating the fruit of righteousness with great delight.  And the most startling thing of all is:  He sustains me still, and His banner over me is love.

Right now?  THAT is my good news.  I am a witness of this!  And its not over yet:  He's coming back.

"After all of the years, You're still here, You're still here.
After all of the time, there's still a smile on Your face.
You are so Good, You are so Good."

"Come near, O Burning One.  Come near, O Burning One.
Where can I run from You?  Where can I hide?
You're love has made an everlasting mark on my heart.

So fan the flame.  Fan this flame."

Anyway.  That's all I have for today.  Grace and Peace be with you all who love our Lord.

Those Midnight Encounters

Have you ever had those moments when you look at the clock, its past midnight but there's business you know you have to do with God?  Its those moments when your flesh tells you that you need 'so many' hours of sleep for your 'busy work day' ahead of you... which is busy EVERY day... But isn't God worth the lack of sleep for a day?

This week has been a major wrestling match with God.  I'm an analyzer. I don't get my heart.  I don't get my situations.  And what it really comes down to is:  I don't get God.  I've been praying and thinking and analyzing and round and round my thoughts go, trying to come to SOME conclusion that makes sense.  But nothing does, because I have a small and limited view.

BINGO

And as I was this Day

By Sarah Faithy, Early to mid 2005

Here I stand in happy gaze, the days are far not few
The sun is in my best, and the leaves, they're for me too.
The clouds, they swell with joyous pride, embracing light-heart phase
and as I was this day, my soul strains to seek Your face.

A day and two I sat therein, as it weeped outside
convinced was I, the clouds exposed what hid behind my eyes.
wretched was the world I saw, through my welled up tears
mangled in my disposition, I thus gave you my cares.

Hitherto I fight myself - that is, besides my foe.
for verbal deeds will nay get done, lest action be bestowed.
My will - the flesh. Stubborn, must die, submitting to it's place
though battered for severe mistakes, my soul was given grace.

Emerged - I did. the Sun was gray, as I beckoned forth.
My frame - cloaked in humility - my heart the brightest source.
For therein dwelt my love, my God, to which all else grows dim.
And though victory be mine that day, my soul, it dwells in Him.

I wonder if I'm the only one who seems to prophecy stuff over my life as I grow. Its like I'll say something but Jesus knew it would mean something so much greater as time went on.

I wrote this poem in 2005 as well.... but I had noooo clue that it would actually mean that I'd truly go through each phase. I had believed I had before! But there's something new about looking back on the things God was showing me a few years ago. Its that He knew what He would have me walk through.

I have to say, this poem is what my heart sings right now. Things seem so great when you're on a mountain top, but as you stand there, everything seems below you, you know? And if, like me, you've never experienced the kind the valley that it takes to keep you humble when you get to the next mountain top, you'll probably, like I do so often times, forget that you really NEED Him.

There are struggles we all inevitably must deal with - me? At this point in the game of life, my struggles are in my head. What lies will I believe? What truths will I speak over myself? Will I remember that the way I feel does not define what is true and will not shake the Rock I stand upon?

WILL I let my feelings shake me?

Hah. No.

I've found myself feeling some of the same anxieties I felt ermmm... probably the beginning of 2006. I remember feeling like my time would never come and I remember feeling like I was losing grip of something. I felt like all hope was lost - and well hey! A friendship was put on hold. One I cared deeply about.

But I'm different now. And I remind myself of that. And you know? The enemy is REALLY GOOD about bringing the past into the "Now" experiences. He's really good at bringing you BACK to something you've walked faaar far away from.

And the knowledge of this WILL be the end of this attack.

I am NOT who I was. I'm different now.

AND the situations are NOT the same now, as they were then.

And!!! HERE is the greatest thing of all!

I am NOT my emotions and my emotions usually DON'T tell the truth. They REFLECT what IS true - and what IS true is that I'm being reminded of the things that no longer ARE in my life and THAT must stop.

That right there is an amazing revelation if someone can wrap themselves around it... because I never would have even thought to think that way a year and a half ago.
I've come so far.

My emotions? They change. Over and over and over again. But they're not bad! They're a gift! But a wise woman will know that they are just to allow us to relate to Jesus more; NOT to lead us. Its the icing on the cake to feel something, good or bad.

So struggles - "Hitherto I fight myself - that is, besides my foe."
haha. Its so true.

But aaaah! How sweet victory is when you know that the One who has your back never forsook you? Instead, He cried with you, He laughed with you, He carried you, He shared with you in your sufferings..... and actually.... It was YOU who shared with Him in HIS sufferings because He's gone through it all before.


Isn't that just - amazing?!

He loves us!!!!! THE END.

Nothing can change it. It just is the way it is!

And you know? All my life all I focussed on was doing it right. Being right. Impress, impress, impress. I wanted to impress Him. I wanted to prove I was real. Wow. I actually... My entire life was spent proving things to people. I COULD climb a tree, even if I was a girl. I COULD beat the boys at their own game, even if I WAS a girl. I WONT EVER marry a potty (like the boys in kindergarten Sunday school used to tell me all the time) and FURTHERMORE, marrying a potty isn't even POSSIBLE, duh!?!. I AM an a plus student, I'm just bored with the freaking homework. I AM worth your time, if you would just give it to me. I AM talented I AM... I am I am I am by actions actions actions.


But Jesus.


JESUS is I AM.

And so now, I don't need to prove anything.
He delights in me just as I am.

No more proving anything. No more trying to be something I feel I need to be.
Now? Now He is showing me that His love for me is proof enough of who I really am. I am His.

Now all I need to do is be who He made me to be and to stay in His Love.
He loves me! He loves us. He's given us sooo much and He wants us to do something with it! But the world makes us prove that we have what it takes to be something great.

God isn't like that. WE have His love and His blessing, so we don't NEED to prove anything. Those two things are proof enough. So all we have to do is live in it and love in it and BE in it.

And you know?

We'll begin to glow.


Why?


Cause we'll be in love.

And isn't that really, the pursuit of every person on this earth?


BINGO.

Connect the dots, baby.

Thats why we're here.







AAAAAAHHHHH.



I thought I had emerged before, but this is different.

I think I might finally be catching something wild.
And you know?

So what if the sky is gray?

So what if everyhing around me is never going to be the same one day to the next?

I am His.

He is Mine.

He is Sovereign.

He holds all things together.

And I'll be okay.

And I'll be more then okay.

I'll be me.

And as I become me more and more, I'll be more like Him. And that'll be my witness.
But even then, I probably won't care. Because I'll be in love.
well.. I amm...


sheesh. I need to just stop. Or I'll go on forever.
Somedayyyy..... I will.


:)

My Ending Thoughts to 2008's Conclusion.

To begin with, the 3 pictures directly above what I'm writing seem to sum up my life in the last year.
A weeping willow tree - weeping, beautiful, strong.
a dancer - I have this one on my dresser - this little thing so very clearly identifies with my heart before the Lord, especially this last year.
And the exhausted, sobbing angel. If I could picture my spirit, it might've looked something like this....



Sometimes I wish I wasn't so curious about how people are doing all the time because I'm usually dissapointed.

A wise woman told me all my life, "Sarah, don't put your trust in people. People will ALWAYS let you down. Put your trust in Jesus. He never ever changes."

The same woman also told me all my life, "Sarah, you were never meant to fit in. You were always made to stick out. Thats a gift!!"


Two very profound statements that have surrounded my life like a swarm of bees around their hive.

Always happening. Always moving. ALWAYS relevant.


What a deep, wounded year for me.

2008.

Fold after fold of pain upon pain, attack upon personal attack.

A moment in life where I was made to count it all loss for the sake of the Cross.

The cross I would bare.


I don't think I've cried so bitterly in my life, as I have in this phase of these long and yet so shortly lived 12 months.
I don't think I've been so lonely. I don't think I've been so slain within my heart.
I don't think I've ever seen a more broken heart then mine. I guess you could try to compare it to one I saw breaking on the church steps a few years ago, inbetween services, as she learned her boyfriend had died. But I don't think you can. This heart desires deeply to do the will of God. It has been seasoned, even if just a little. This agony I dare say, may go much deeper. I may have kissed the agony of Christ. Shared with Him in His dispare. In His batrayal. His best friend betrayed Him for silver - for the religious leaders. The "Church". His other friend denied he ever knew Him 3 times, after he so loudly and boldly stated he would follow Him even unto death. I have known such betrayal, even if just a fraction. But even to the small extent I have endured, the pain was 10 times worse.

Why, Lord?


A very simple cry, I have indeed begged Him.


"To watch with Me for an hour, Child."


A deep, ingrained answer to the very core of my being. I know why. Because I am His. A true disciple. He will take me on a Journey that He Himself has gone.
And, there will be moments of ministry that will need a tear-stricken revelution. A conlusion made with the most needy of hearts - the testimonies I bear.


Forgiveness.

This is soo so new to me. I forgive easily when someone admits they're wrong.
Its easy, isn't it?

But what if they think they're right? What if they don't care? What if they take joy in hurting you or if they put you in a place where YOU have to explain EVERYTHING when its nothing you can fix and its nothing that you did?

Seven times, Lord?


"No Child, Seventy times Seven. Keep Going, dear One."


Sobs.

I have never been so strained in this place before. Give grace when all you feel is hate? I admit, I am more angry at injustice and being accused wrongly then I am of the actual offence itself. I am angry of the actions that proceed the supposed "clearing up" of an issue.

Its so WRONG!

BUT.


God is God, and vengance is His.

Let forgiveness flow.

I am a hypocrite. I have unforgiveness in my soul. It runs in my vains into my very torn up heart. I have been so very very wounded.
I mean, really, theres a well inside of me thats bursting and I don't know how to just let it go. But I WANT to let it go. I want to cry until I'm free.

I think thats the point. This is where God wants me.

Where I am in a place where I'm not in charge.
I WANT to do the right thing, and the rest of it, I'm not in control of.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Bring her into the wilderness
And speak kindly to her.
"Then I will give her her vineyards from there,
And the valley of Achor as a door of hope
And she will sing there as in the days of her youth...
And it shall be, in that day,”
Says the LORD, “ That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’
And no longer call Me ‘My Master'".

Hosea 2:14-16

I am a broken bride.

I have given my heart away to so many things - I've been a harlot of sorts.

Yet He called me here.
Blessed year of 2008.
A right to womanhood.
A passageway through which I become intimate with Him.
A place where I will not only sing as I did in the days when I first met Him, but I will be redeemed because I have lost so much innocence.

Every tear, God told me, He knows what exactly its for. He knows the reason for it.
I must have had so many unspoken, unformed reasons this year.

But one thing I've learned more then anything this last year is: I NEED Him. I NEED Jesus. He's MORE than enough for me. He IS my Love. He IS my life. He FILLS my desires. He quenches my thirsts. Every word that proceeds from His mouth is better then mere bread. His love is better then wine. Nothing can satisfy the void that only He can fill.
Friends can't fill it, boyfriends can't fill it, my dreams can't fill it, my music can't fill it, WORDS can't fill it, my ego can't fill it. Nothing can!

I am poor. I am in deed. My spirit is quiet, poor, humbled. Faithful.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs in the Kingdom of God."

Heh. These people have the kingdom of God. What a witness. What a way to draw all men unto Himself.


The Vineyard. A place where I worked hard. Dark but lovely. But Jesus said to me, "Martha, Martha, Martha."
And I knew, the Vineyard was not my ministry. Jesus was. And when I began to touch that concept the most amazing thing happened in my heart: a Garden began to flurish, full throttle.

"And He will give her her vineyards from there"...


So very cleverly thought, that I go to a Vineyard church now.
Growing friendships, endless possibilites.
A new job.
Light at the end of the tunnel?

I don't know. I'm too busy staring at the Center of my life to pay attention to that. Everything just.... comes together in chaotic unision to revolve around this thing called God's Love.

"And all of a sudden, I am unaware of the afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great You're affections are for me."



A new year is the most exciting thing that could happen for me right now.

To leave it all behind and press on.

"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,
and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith,
that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death;
in order that I mayattain to the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.
Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. "

philipians 3:8-12




Its one of my most favorite things Paul ever said.


And I will end this entry with that.


Not that I've been made perfect, but this I know, forgetting those things which are behind, I press on towards the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

So let it be done, in Jesus Name.




I love you, dear brothers and sisters. Thank you for reading.

You are the One True thing: I give this day to You.

Okay, I haven't written in a while, but I'd like to let everyone know what my life is all about.

There are two songs that hit me where I am right now, bulls eye, snap and lock.

"One Real Thing" by skillet

Speak, and my heart starts aching
Reach, and the numbness dims
Beat, still my minds uncertain
Breathe, it begins again

You are the One Real Thing
You are the One True Thing that I know
You are the One Real Thing
No matter what the future brings
You're the One Real Thing

Stay, locked within Your presence
Truth, renew in my mind again
Rest, cuz I know You're faithful and I
Trust, cuz I know Your name


You are the One Real Thing
You are the One True Thing
No matter what the future brings
You're the One Real Thing

I get down on my knees and I
Feel Your love wash over me (One Real Thing)

Speak, and my heart starts aching
Reach, and the numbness dims
Beat, still my minds uncertain
Breathe, it begins again, again...


I get down on my knees and I
Feel Your love wash over me (One Real Thing)

"This Day" -Audio A

It's six A.M
I'm so tired
The alarm sounds
And the new day begins
Before I go
And disturb this peaceful moment
I look to You

[CHORUS:]
I want to say a prayer
Before my feet can hit the ground
Lord I give this day to You

I'm amazed how You forgive me
Yesterday seems so far behind
It's a brand new day
And every day's a new beginning
I look to You

[CHORUS]

Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
And watch the day begin
I wanna watch the day begin

These songs are the epitomy of my life right now.

I'm begining to see something of a fresh new craziness in my somewhat mondane life: Its that God is REAL, I am real, and that it all starts new, every brand new day.

My life?

Its about being a servant. Not about being served.

Its about being humble, even at the risk of humiliation. Not about being righteous within myself.

Its about being Jesus' hands and feet. Not about what I want to do.

Its about taking a stand and being without shame. Not about being a silent witness.

Its about a fervant, quiet, faithful spirit. Not about immature zeal.

Its about Jesus. Not about me.


He's so real. I've never known Someone so real before. He's the ONE True thing that I know. All else falls, fades, fails. But He's forever. These past 7 weeks have been the most real weeks of my life. Its been painful. Its been memorable beCAUSE of the pain. Its been a stretch of my soul, yet as daily and simple as the stretch and snap of a rubberband. Thats how normal my life is.

AND YET.

And yet it has been the newest form of life I have ever known.

I don't know who loves me for real ... EXCEPT the One Real Thing I know. Jesus.

I don't know where I'll go after this ... EXCEPT that every morning, I get up, grab my Bible, get some coffee or tea, and head for the dining room table.

I don't know what promises still ring true or who'll still be around after the rubber meets the road ... But I DO know that Jesus is the ONE true thing in my life. He's what I'll rely on. He's all I need.

I have every reason to be here in this place again. Its just me and God, and I'm finally being transparent with myself. Yeah, I can be a brat. sure. But every day I'd rather not be. I'd rather be like Jesus. Actually, I can't get away from this awe-ful truth. I've made Him the center of all I do. Everything I do HAS to revolve around Him, because THATS what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I hate that I'm still dying to myself. The things I HATE doing, I do anyway, and the things I WANT to do, I WONT! I'm so afraid of change over and over again. I hate change.

I NEED change. There's no way around it.

God! I can be SO ugly inside!

I'm an emotional gypsy.

I'm a mental gypsy.

I AM a gypsy.

I don't belong anywhere, here on earth. I'm a reformed gypsy, really.

Instead of taking, I try to give. Instead of isolation out of prejudice, I STAND out because I'm not MEANT to fit in as a daughter of the most High.

I make do with what I have, and I'm pretty happy with it. A Creative Mind. A argumentative soul. One thats for ALL or nothing. Is black and white and yet sees the gray. On the ROCK I will stand, out in the rain. Painful, fearful, needful hands. Busy body beaten down to stillness by comand.

stillness.

silence.

I don't fear silence anymore.

I used to.

...still do sometimes.

I've been called fearless.

Are they serious?!

They must not notice my heart beating loudly within my chest.

They must not know that its a fearful thing to be CHOSEN to lead, not taking the lead.

I hide from leading, you know.

I'd much rather be in the backgrounds.

I'm scared to speak in front of believers about my Jesus. Yet I have no problem speaking to complete strangers about my passions.

Who is this weirdo I find I am?

Seriously?




And yet, I know it.

Here stands before a woman who is willing to stand; Begging for God to prepare her to let go of this world and hold on to the next.

Willing to be torn to peices for His name sake - scared to death that she could be, keeping her hearts declaration wordless - full of heart.



aaahhhg.



poetic maybe? or just a jumble of words.

yes.

a jumble of words that make up my life.

I've Wished For the Things That I Don't Need (All I wanted...)

So valentines day was yesterday. And you know what? it wasn't at all bad! In fact, I didn't feel the need at all to have a pity party for myself like I did the last 2 years. In fact, I had a good day.

I've realized something. I thought I wanted romance and I did. But I don't need it right now. In fact, I no longer want it right now except with my El Shaddai. The idea of being single and beautiful before my Lord is like peace upon my heart. I feel restless and I want so badly to get to know people who are on fire and ready to hit the world hard with a revelution. Can we really do that here in Ohio? Maybe. I just want to dive into a new realm. I want to record my music REALLY. Like, I want someone to think that its worth the time. I want to touch people through it. I want to touch people with what I write. I want to show people what I know. I want them to grow. I want to dive to a new level of worship. I want to feel God again. Does that sound selfish? I don't know. In order for me to do all this, I gotta be selfless.

God. Why did I think I needed a guy right now? I think I'm pulling through. I can live and love and have a sound mind about my decisions.

I'm learning whats important. You know whats important? That you not be afraid to tell your friends the truth. That you figure out who your real friends are and go from there.

Whats important is that you take every opportunity to encourage someone and to put a smile on their faces.

Have warm eyes. Thats important. Have a passionate voice. Thats important. Let everything in your heart show. thats important. And you know what? If you don't have selfishness in your heart, it won't be a problem to let everything show. Let everything show, but keep things to yourself. Be captivating. Be worthy of the gospel.

I am sooo surprised that I had a great Valentine's Day and I think I know why I did.

I didn't have expectations. I enjoyed it by wearing lots of pink and going out with a friend (Valerie) and being half of HER valentine (yes, Ryan was the other half. hmmm.... can you say God-thing?) and it was just... awesome.

Guys, my life is so crazy. I have two jobs, I intern at the church on Wednesdays along with lead cell and worship sometimes. I'm ALWAYS at the church and somehow God provides a small portion of my life for social activity. I have friends all over and I love each one dearly, even as I see and observe each quirk and flaw and take note that I have the same ones. If you have your feelings hurt, SAY SO for gosh sakes! If you have to be the one to tell a friend they're being a jerk because no one else will, THEN FREAKING SAY SO.

God! We're pansies! We don't deal, we run. I won't run anymore. I'm tired of running against God's flow. We gotta face stuff. We're not perfect. So we gotta learn how to face imperfection and accept that life is going to suck and people will be unreliable. But if you're really just relying on God ANYway, it shouldn't be too bad of a deal. DEAL. You'll be stronger. I want to be stronger. I want to be humbler. I want to be meeker.

With God's help I will.





and yeah, some one is out there and they're my match, and you can bet your bottom that I am HOPING that I get to marry him before I turn 33....okay....28....okay......24. haha. But really, I'm okay with what God wants. I've done the hard part, you know.

Now all I gotta do is walk with God and wait. I'm good with that.

Happy not-valentines day everyone. Its not the holiday, its the day. and the day is the day that the Lord has made. And God made it a lesson learned.

Compilations of Contemplations.

I think what really got me thinking was when Joe and I talked while I ate. I like his friendship. What got me thinking was how he opened up to me. I think I did a good job of hiding my surprise, but it just took me back.

I hope God uses me any way he can with Joe, because I'd love to see him find Christ. Or rather, hehe, be found. "For you did not choose Me, but I chose you..."

I don't know. I just sit back and think, "what happened?" I mean, who is this girl I've become? I'm quited within myself. I take time in processing my thoughts. I'm supposedly "Miss Sunshine". Whats with guys and my smile? I mean, I have guys (yes, more then one) telling me that as long as they can make me smile, they're happy. Who is this girl who seems to have a smile that makes guys happy just to see? Have I been THIS ignorant about and to myself? heh... I was told by my manager (on behalf of all of my managers) that they really appreciated all I do. I must have turned 10 shades of red; like all the other times something is said about me in FRONT of me. I don't know how to react! I mean, I suppose I say thank you, but it doesn't seem like that's the right answer. You wanna know what my instinctive answer is? Laugh nervously, totally disagree whether its right or wrong and bolt! Who is this girl? This girl who will plug herself into a book and not come out for hours? This girl who used to be able to talk on the phone for hours, but no longer has the energy? This girl who would do SO MUCH MORE for her family but gets her joys dashed when she's EXPECTED to do the very thing she wanted to do quietly as a gift?

WHO IS THIS GIRL?

who is this girl who has no problem helping ANY body out with chores whether at home or at work? Why do I do the things I do? I know what kind of person I am. How do I come off so sweet to people? I'm a selfish twisted child. Who is this girl who comes off so opposite of what she is on the inside?

Who is this girl?

I wonder if it would be blasphemy to say that the Who is Jesus.

Jesus isn't the GIRL, Jesus IS, the girl. That means that I... I, the girl am all I can be to be Jesus. He is everything. I'm nothing without him. That means He is my all.

I'd be dead if it weren't for Christ in my life. I know I talk about the fact that I used to think about suicide alot, but I bring it up because it is my boast story! I'm boasting in the way God saved me from myself. I would have been dead! I could have been dead. Then I wouldn't have been here asking the most simple, obvious, profound question of myself. Who is this girl I call myself?
I'm kind of tired of saying, "I don't know."
I've cliche'd it, haven't I? hehe.
I think I'm ready to say something different though. Because you know what? It wouldn't be truthful anymore to say I don't know who this girl is.
I have to start being truthful to myself about myself.

Pastor Jeff said something extremely profound this morning and I just sat there and went, "wow.."

He said firstly, "Don't tell yourself where you THINK you are, be honest enough to admit to yourself where you really are."

And then He said, "Its God's grace that makes it okay for us to BE where we are! Its okay! Because God says, "Child! Its okay to be where you are! Because I'm going to take you to where I AM."

You know where I am?

I am at a place where I so fully know that I'm a sinner and I don't deserve dirt. I'm a crumb-ball inside. I could be so miserable of a person. I'm a pain in the butt during certain times alone! All the time, I could be and have a tendency to be miserable and low and depressed.

I'm still figuring myself out, and that alone is humbling. I think I should have myself figured out by now. But I still can't find why I do some of the stuff I do, why I feel the way I feel and why I can't shut up once in a while.
I have a spiritually High day and the rest of the week is LOW and frustrating. I get disappointed easily because my expectations are so high, whether they're good expectations or bad ones. Whether they're realistic or not. I hurt easily for some people, and for others I have no compassion whatsoever. Whats with that?
I hate where my life is for the moment, and yet I could never turn back now. I'm on a fast pace transition.
My opinions are peppered with perspective and salted with a straight and narrow mind. How does that work?! I like attention I shouldn't thrive on but do,
I act coy and calculated with perfect comebacks, and yet I am so naive and ignorant and blush over the reactions I get from my OWN actions. When did I become more then a young girl? How did it happen that things I used to do and were so innocent are now something of an art of flirtation?

Lord!!! Can I still be innocent before you?! Can I be a vessel of purity in this stain-glassed world?

Who do people think they are?

this is a very sincere question.

Who do you think you are?
I bet that if you tell yourself what you think you are, you're probably off, whether you think too highly of yourself or too lowly of yourself.

You know what the difference between me and every other person in the world?
I don't have to answer the question because Jesus answers it for me.
I have someone to look up to. I have something to live for. I have a purpose to stand on. I have a reason to live. Its Jesus.
Its ( on of my purposes being) every other person besides me who needs to find Jesus and to be found by Him.

I want Joe and all the other people who know they don't look up to anyone to have that reason to live too.
I want him to look up to the One I look up to. I want him to find that rest. I want him to reach deeper and respond to the question, "Who do I think I am anyway?" and say, "I don't care who I think I am. All I need to know is what Jesus thinks I am. And I Am His."

hm.

Ultimately we are, aren't we? We're ALL His. But He gave us free will, and that's where we fell. So whether we end up in hell or in heaven, we're still ultimately His.

I like to think I resemble Him just a little.

Jesus? take a look at me like a mirror. What do you see, Lord?

"I see Me."

"really?"

"Really, Beloved. And I see you. And I love you just the way you are, stains and all. For you once were a sinner, but now you are My Child. You are a dancer. Be free. Make the Sun shine brighter. Love on them, one by one, Sarah, just like I would. Just like I did. Just like I am. Just like I always will."

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. Amen and Hallelujah!

Great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me.