When Your Dreams are Dashed and Your Heart is Broken

I was 13 years old.  I was sure I’d get married to my first love by the time I was 22.

I envisioned a lovely, romantic courtship much like Anne of Green Gables and her beau, Gilbert Blythe or Laura Ingalls and Almanzo Wilder.  We were going to start out as friends; we’d secretly love each other and one day, we’d just get married.

While these are sweet sentiments to grow up dreaming about, it was quite the crash when I fell from the clouds of these expectations.

Trust That Love

"And so we know the love that God has for us, and we trust that love."  1 John 4:16

You know,  I was going to say its been a while since I've written, but the truth is, I've been through a LOT since the last time I wrote.  I don't even know if there's really a way to explain it, either.
But I'll try.  2 things: Where I am, and worship.

First thing:

I guess it all comes down to this:  Do I or don't I trust God.

I mean its as simply put as it gets.
Its the strangest experience:  I LONG to trust God ... will to trust God but every analyzing thought that picks my life apart into a billion pieces tells me that I'm obsessed with control.
And you know?  There's so many reasons I could give about it too.
I've been hurt.  I've gotten it wrong.  I've heard God wrong.  I don't want to do that again.  People suck.  My life sucks.  I suck!

And C'mon, nothing really sucks.  It only does when I lean on my own understanding and try to figure everything out.

Why can't God just surprise me with the life He wants me to live?
Why do I keep hitting this brick wall?
I've never been closer to the Lord.
I've never heard Him so clear in my life.
I've never understood so much of the scriptures.
I've never understood so little.
I've never trusted Him so much
and I promise!  I have never trusted Him so little.
I'm caught between accepting all the dreams and visions and longings that drive me and hating the very things that make me come alive.
Mostly because its hard to hope when you've been so disappointed in your life.

Back in the summer I wrote to the Lord,  "Maybe I've been using hope the wrong way.  I have all sorts of visions and dreams for every part of my life.  But coincidentally, just as much as they can't happen withOUT You, they won't look the way I thought they would WITH You, either."
Nothing else could have said it better.

I'm ready to fight again.  I don't care what it takes.  My HEAD knows that I will self-destruct my life and that God really has something wonderful for me.
My easily swayed heart insists that things will work out just as they have before - when I was 16 and thought I was hearing from the Lord.  A FLOOD of comparisons and past experiences swirl around and a deep hurt surfaces.  As much as my whole spirit longs to be united with the will of God, my heart refuses.  And I mean REFUSES to let go.
Its embarrassing that it keeps coming down to this!  But I'm done with this heart of mine. 
If it can't submit on its own,  I'm going to figure out why.  And I'm  GOING to get healed. 
No more waiting.  Its time for action.


Second thing:
Worship.

Something really hit me this week on a practical level and I'm excited to share it.
As a worship leader its inevitable that people will at one point or another be excited about what God ministered to them during a praise service and they'll feel compelled to share with the said worship leader about that experience.  Usually they exclaim simply that they love when that person leads worship or something of that form.  I've always wondered how one should respond to these kind of comments without making the commenter feel awkward and without taking the "glory" at the same time.

The Lord revealed to me today how utterly important it is for a person - and even more so, a designated leader to have a secret life with Him.  When a designated praise-leader steps up in front of a congregation and begins to give Jesus praise, they are essentially inviting OTHERS into their personal relationship with God.
If a praise leader doesn't have a close relationship with God, people will only be invited to go as deep as that person has. 
So how this applies to where I am (being point 1 of this entry.) I love the Lord.  I'm actively pursuing God with all my heart - even as very faulty as it goes at times, I've never been so full of praise for the Father before in my life.  I think this is mostly due to the fact that I'm facing the reality of my ugliness withOUT Him.  I'm being saved right before my very eyes - at this very moment - for something new.... now.   Wait.  Now.  No, now.  No NOW.
So when someone comes up and says, "I LOVE when you lead worship!"
Instead of feeling awkward and unsure of how to respond to what their words say, I'm finally beginning to hear that they really mean, "I LOVE going there.... I LOVE going where you go with the Lord."
And deep inside my heart the Lord is whispering to me, "I KNOW you don't feel qualified.  I KNOW you don't feel like you're worthy.  I KNOW you are unsure of your right standing with me at times.  ... But:  I LOVE when you go there with Me.  I LOVE going there with you.  And THEY do too and THAT is OKAY."

This - THIS is what the body is all about.  We - all going to our sacred places with the Lord - transparently sharing our hearts in true fellowship and communion, are spurring each other on to be one.  One with God and one with each other, with God.
And notice how I made the distinction between "Praise-leader" and "Worship-leader".
Worship is a lifestyle.  Praise is an action.
Praise is what we do on Sunday mornings with each other before the Lord..
Worship is where we're going and dwelling.

So as I praise the Lord - and as I go to that secret place which has been built on my history with Him - oh and also, as I do that in a public congregation - I become not only a leader of praise at that moment, but also a leader of worship - because I'm taking people to the most real place I know:  my place with God.  If this is done right - if this is done in full submission to the Spirit and done in the most humble, serving of ways, it will not "fill" people, but cause more awareness of their own hunger and thirst for a secret place where it is just them and God.  Its exhilarating - to be delightfully touched and entirely unsatisfied all in the same moment.
That is where the teaching comes in: you're not supposed to be filled on that Sunday morning for the rest of the week.  You're supposed to crave the presence of God by it. Its the one Good thing that you can never get too much of.  Its the one Good thing that transforms the untransformable into something beautiful. (And NO!  I don't mean Mega-tron turning into a Tonka Truck!)   Think dirt begin turned into a precious diamond.  Thing an agitating piece of sandish dust being turned into a prized pearl.  Only God can do these things.
Why SHOULDN'T we be fantastically excited when God allows us to experience the fragrance of the beauty He's working in the soul  of someone else with a heart just like ours?
And how insane is it that as a designated praise leader at my church, I'm not able to move beyond how NOT to think about everything with such a self centered mindset!
Dear Lord!  Center my entire self in You!
I have nothing Good  apart from You!

So that kind of shifted my paradigm a little.  


I apologize if this is disappointing to some of you. I AM self centered and I'm terribly young.  The good news is:  I'm growing and moving with God.  I'm not that good at it at times, but I  DO keep getting back up and running (or staggering) to the cross.  I'm finding that it's one of my most favorite places to be: in that shadow - eating the fruit of righteousness with great delight.  And the most startling thing of all is:  He sustains me still, and His banner over me is love.

Right now?  THAT is my good news.  I am a witness of this!  And its not over yet:  He's coming back.

"After all of the years, You're still here, You're still here.
After all of the time, there's still a smile on Your face.
You are so Good, You are so Good."

"Come near, O Burning One.  Come near, O Burning One.
Where can I run from You?  Where can I hide?
You're love has made an everlasting mark on my heart.

So fan the flame.  Fan this flame."

Anyway.  That's all I have for today.  Grace and Peace be with you all who love our Lord.

Topic of Discussion: Holiness vs. Marriage? (Is It Possible?)

This just posted on facebook as a result of much meditation on 1 Corinthians 7 -

So question for all my single/unmarried/dating/engage​d friends out there: Would you opt to stay single if you knew that it would bring more holiness in your life to wait?

I shall post the results for this soon, along with my possibly radical perspective of what I believe the Bible says about one of the single-most priotized desires of humanity - marriage.

You can now find that response here.

My Thoughts on "the One" Theory.

I'm not going to lie, this whole conversation really made me think about what I really believed and God took the opportunity to correct my heart a little.

I've always believed that God has that "One special person" for everyone.
Sept... not everyone CARES to have a "One special someone" out there so much as just whomever they choose would  BE that person.

I mean, I absolutely DO!  Its been on my heart for a decade now to pray for my future husband - that one special person who's just going to get me and know me and understand me.

But God gave me a reality check - just because I've done that, doesn't mean everyone ELSE has.
AND?  Its okay.


God kinda gave me a picture - not a completely accurate one, but a picture none the less of the way this might work.

Esther.  The story about a courageous woman who somehow was chosen above hundreds of other beautiful women to be queen.

Here's the pitch:  hundreds of girls go through a YEAR of beautification and then get to choose what they're going to wear and what they're going to bring with them for their "one night with the king."
AWESOME!  Right?

Esther says to the guy in charge, "I don't want to choose.   You know the king better.  YOU give me what you think is best."


I'm not saying I'm Esther.

What I'm saying is - not everyone thinks to ask God for the best in their love life AND - not everyone is supposed to.

But Esther asked for the best.  And she got it.

Its okay if a small handful of people choose to ask God what HE thinks is best.  It may be that their's is a story that will impact hundreds of people like Esther's.

Will MY story impact hundreds of people?  You know?  If it brings people to a fuller knowledge of Christ, then YES,  I WANT it to.  But if it just impacts the people I directly communicate with on a day to day basis, then thats okay too.  The idea is to inspire others to seek out God's best for them.  It may not be in finding a mate, but it COULD mean that they need to ask God for the best in the job realm or in the career path, or in the financial arena, etc.

So do I believe in "The One" Theory?  Yes.  Do I believe its for everyone?  No.

Do I care if my future husband believes that he can just pick anyone and thats good enough for him?

...um.... yes.

I don't want to be a number.

"Oops, this girl didn't work so lets try this one.  OH!  NOT that one, never mind.  maybe this one...." until he comes around to little 'ol Sarah who finally  says yes to him.

I'm sorry but thats not okay with me.  I'd like to think that AT LEAST if the guy I'm supposed to marry isn't thinking about his future wife and praying for her, that he'd be too worried about what God's doing in his life to play the dating game without true intentions of finding the person who could match him in his walk with the Lord.

Those are my own feelings about it, honestly.  I'm not saying its completely right, but if I was trying to please everyone with my opinions, I would've stopped writing in this blog a long time ago.
:)

Those are my thoughts.

-Sarah

The One Theory Conversation

 Okay, so these are the results to a facebook status I wrote to get people talking.  I am in the process of writing an entry that hopefully will shed some light on "The One" theory.

As a forward to this next entry, I'll give you a feel for what my entry is going to be about:
 I DO believe that you can choose whomever, to marry.  HOWEVER.  There's an exception to that rule, and that is intercession.

This Conversation sparked some thinking and the Lord corrected my thinking on this whole thing, and I'd like to share that with you!

MORE coming soon,   Sarah.

Sarah:  I kinda want to spark a little controversy. What is everyones thoughts on 'the One' theory? Does God handpick a person out for us or is it our choice


Cathy:  Every person in your path today is there for a purpose.


Stephanie: Both.I truly believe He handpicks.I truly believe its our choice whether to accept and receive His handpicked choice


Cathy:  Oh but this may not be "mate day" lol


Robyn: I don't think it's an either or. depending on your faith I think it will be either or. I find that once in a marriage, He is causing us to see ourselves more intently.


Jonathan:   If God handpicked one person.. What would it mean if we missed it somehow? Could we even miss that! Is God laying out this path of life that we will inevitably walk down? Is there THE ONE and can we still marry THE TWO?l


Liz:  He chooses the One for us. That's why we never have good luck in relationships in the beginning then eventually find our soul mate. Each person we date is one step closer to the person He has chosen for us.


Jonathan:  And then the age old question.. Of God hand picks THE ONE and then that person is crushed by a falling piano.. Does God have to pick out another ONE? Was that 2nd ONE always chosen because God planned for a piano to fall on number ONE?


Camisa:  I am wondering this too, sara faith. I don't know the answer.


Liz:  Very thought-provoking, Jonathan! :)


Jonathan:  And then you have people who met THE ONE and then THE ONE married someone else.. Oh that is harsh!


Liz:   And that's where THE ONE, Part Deux comes in :)


Jonathan:  If you get killed by a falling piano... It was meant to be. Even more so if you get crushed by a falling whale and then survive. And then out of its belly stumbles a rebellious prophet and you two live happily ever after.


This is the thread where all the singles can chat about fate and then meet and then date and then celebrate when they (get married and then) mate whereby they create more people to wonder if they should exist or not because what if Dad wasn't Moms THE ONE? And mom and dad had kids that never shouldve existed? And then THOSE kids have kids. Omg!


Liz:  I shall be looking for falling whales from now on, lol!


James:   I agree with what Stephanie said way up there at the top. I think God does have a specific person for us to marry, but I think it is up to us to find that one person. Kind of a like a treasure hunt if you know what I mean :)


Robyn: I like Jonathan! He's a "thinker". Marriage is not for the whimp that's for sure!


Liz:  Very awesome analogy, James! :)


Robyn:   How about .. we need to "BE" the One.


Mary Bres***:  what if Sara, we just pursue The One...Jesus and see what happens along the way? perhaps the desire to find some human mate is sidetracking us from the main goal in this life to know The One True God. marriage is great but it is not the ultimate purpose of this life on earth. I've seen way too many people make it their one thing! marriage is a help in making us holy...it is not to make us happy. Our joy is in God alone! so if along the "path" you meet someone who helps to make you holy then perhaps this is the one! And Jonathan if they get crushed by some flying piano, then maybe there will be another who will help us to be holy.....or maybe we just need to live in the Spirit to be holy...let the mystery continue


Jonathan:  Hmm.. I think we (sons of Adam or daughters of Eve) tend often to make decisions based on: how we feel, or: how it will hopefully make us feel.. Which isn't a horrible thing, feeling good that is.. Tho marriage is not about making us happy.. Its about glorifying God.. Which is very Merry making thing.. I'm still quite influenced by what my eyes see and feelers feel.. I don't pray to marry The One as much as I pray to love the one I marry.


Camisa: "I don't pray to marry 'the one' as much as I pray to love the one I marry"  nice Jonathan!


Robyn:  GREAT STUFF HERE ALL! Sarah?! You must be very happy with the comments. I know I am..


Lynn Marie:   

You! Stir up controversy!?! :) I personally think there are a nice size handful of 'the one' that God can match you up with. If there was only one 'one' that could cause a problem if someone marries the wrong person. I think it more has to do with the type of person God wants you to marry (spiritually and emotionally).

The ultimate part of it all is making sure you are marrying who God says to. There could be 100 guys out there that could be 'right' for you; it's more about making sure God gives you the 'green light'. God shapes and refines people through marriage; even in the best marriages it's like that. We have a fairy tale idea of marriage in the United States and because of movies.

Robyn: 

 Amen Sister Friend (Lynn Marie). Amen

Lynn R:  God guides you but gave you the abilities to think for yourself. The rules are there to follow and the choices are yours

Joseph M: there's a certain chemistry that limits your selections, which may be set in place by God. However, I think that like government rulers, God and the Bible are not so concern how you got there as what you do once you are there.

Andrea:  my pastor says we choose...and choosing wisely is critical. "The selection process" counselors say. next question...should it be the job of friends/older believers to introduce people to each other or is that the job of e-harmony?

Jeff: "The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be MARRIED TO WHOM SHE WILL; only in the Lord" - 1 Cor 7:39

Andrea: @Jeff Utzler Way to go to the Word..

Ryan W:  never heard of this theory but I doubt it...I agree with Jeff...

Ania W: that theory only creates a controversy if you put God on our level and limit him in time..... like we are limited. if you don't i think for Him it might be both at the same time..... :-) He is God afterall...

Sarah:  "ONLY IN THE LORD" didn't anyone catch that part of the scripture? The idea is that we have God's best for us. Some people believe that whatever we choose is God's best for us... except that God brings people in and out of our lives as He pleases. Man plans his ways but God directs his steps. That proverb has never been truer in my life. But I also believe that you must ASK for God's best. If you prefer choosing things yourself, then by all means, it could be a hit or a miss. I'd prefer God's best for me in His time. Thats my conviction. I refuse to have anything less. Whatever ya'lls convictions are, go for em as long as they're based on whats true and not because you have an unbiblical, slightly cynical and jaded view. All of us can get caught up in whats false because of past disappointments. God's been teaching me lately that even though I've been disappointed, not to let that sway what is true in my heart. Those are my thoughts.

Jeff:  You can marry whoever you as long as they're a Christian(I.e. "in the Lord) there is no such thing as "special someone"