Just some thoughts -Not well explained

Hm...

If there was ever a season of writing, THIS is that season.  I'm keeping 2 blogs, tweeting, andddd....3 journals right now for various reasons.

I think its because there's a lot that God is doing in my heart right now.  Lots of good - looking at lots of ugly.
I'm dealing with SO many things that are from years ago - anger, unforgiveness, and all these little girl dreams and things that people have spoken over my life that I've forgotten about ... until now.

I'm surprised at all thats coming out this way, but I guess its time to deal with some things.

God's given me a picture of a hope chest filled with many things - all my childhood and everything that entangled with it.  To open this chest and explore the contents, there IS a catch.  With all the good, I must also face all the bad.

So its definitely been a little journey - one that I've been afraid of, but one that can also be easily fixed:  forgiveness.

But here's the other thing I'm afraid to face:  all my little dreams.

If you read far back enough in this blog, you'll meet an optimistic, romantic, naive, unbroken teenager with the unrealistic, ideal world at her finger tips.
Its been a long time since then, and God is reteaching me that not all that I dreamed of in that time was bad.

Sixteen, going on 17.  6 years ago - and can you believe I've been writing in this blog for that long?

Its hard when everyone's getting married and engaged and YOU'RE the one going through a break-up and readjustment of life.
In all reality though, I've over the break-up.
Its the disappointment that its still not my time yet.

And then to add to all that, everything I know I want (regardless of whether I'm in denial or not) is either right out of my reach and right in front of me (simultaneously)  OR - I just haven't thought of it yet.

So pretty much, its the first one.

I'm going to be real right now:

I don't want to be one of those really cool Christian girls who's just - you just LOVE them - and you can't understand why they're not married yet.   Why God hasn't brought someone around for them.
Unfortunately - haha or maybe fortunately, I have become this very thing.  :)

Is my heart disappointed?  Yes.  I really just want a friend who will know me, enjoy me, dream with me and want me for me.

But will I be okay?

Yeaaah..... I will be.  I always am, anyway.  I'm really not sure what the real lesson is for me right now and I think thats what perplexes me the most at this point today.

I refuse -REFUSE - to take a mindset that question's God's goodness when things aren't going the way I'd like.
Instead, I'm going to be a faithful friend to my lovely sisters who ARE getting married, I'm going to be me, and I'm going to focus on loving people and letting go of the pen to my life.

I DO anticipate what God could do in my life in the next 2 years or so.  I'm actually going to Kansas City for the first time in a few weeks - a road trip with some girlfriends.
I'm pursuing purity on a whole new level - and I'm taking action in guarding my heart better - and guarding the hearts of the one's I love better - both male and female.
And I'm going to try white-water rafting - Something I've always secretly wanted to try.
And I'm applying to go on a mission trip to Africa next June - because I've always wanted to go to Africa since I was 10.
I'm starting to make choices that keep me moving and active and I'm trying to eat better just in general.
And - I'm trying to find opportunities to talk to people about God in the work place.  THATS my deal right now.

The JOY of the Lord is my strength.

I really really really want to bless God and those around me.

I could certainly use yours prayers.
And hey! don't hesitate to write me if you have a thought or a word for me.
I'm always up for that. :)

blessings,

Sarah

Big Heart, Little Dreamer

"Me dreaming big right now is like a childs cardboard book hoping to be an epic novel one day. It could happen, right?"




I honestly feel the way Pooh looks like he's feeling in the sketch - unsure... but still willing to move forward since thats the only thing left to do.


I know this may sound ridiculous, but I feel boring.  And I may not actually BE boring so much as I find my life is boring.  I'm almost afraid to say that because it sounds like I'm not seeking God enough and thats my problem... but its not!  I'm walking with God and I'm reading my Bible every day... but I can't dream big at ALL.  I KNOW I'm meant for something big, and its an exciting feeling, but at this moment, I don't see anything fantastic about my life right now. 


 It LOOKS like I have no life.  (Because I really don't, truthfully.) 


 It SEEMS that nothing big is actually going to happen to me (but things aren't always as they seem, usually. Who KNOWS what God is doing in all of this.)


 And it FEELS like I'm not going ANYwhere (yet a month ago if you had told me that in a months time I wouldn't be with my boyfriend, I would cut my hair 6 1/2 inches shorter, I would put in my two weeks notice at FirstMerit and that I'd be working at a dentist office wearing scrubs and working with mentally handicapped people on the side AND that I'd lead worship for the first time for my church on a Sunday morning, I would have guffawed in your face.)


I sound absolutely absurd right now.  Who am I kidding?  My life is insane and it just took a drastic turn.  Yet my problem is - I'm very discontent with myself.
I don't see any big dreams in my heart.  In fact, I'm concerned because I don't even seem to be able to conjure up any big dreams at ALL.
Whats with me?
And my question for God at this point is, "What do you want from me?"
I'm faithful, I'm trying desperately to live righteously before Him.  I'm doing all I can do to pull myself together.  I'm reading my Bible every day, I'm talking to Him in my car.  Yet I'm unsatisfied.  


I think God just wants ME.
I've been busying myself with doing all thats required of me, but He doesn't require the "doing", He requests the "BEing".  


So here I am.


Finger to my chin, head cocked slightly, staring in the direction that I inevitably must go. 


"Think, think, think, think.  Oooh bother."


Its just where I am right now.

But, He was not in the Wind...He was in my Car.

I'm surprised at how much I'm writing recently... but after quite the lull in my creative streak, I'm back;  probably because I finally have something useful to say.

I think... that I'm at a place where when heartbreaking things happen to me, I can't fight God anymore about it.

I'm at a point where I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of asking questions that I'm not sure I'm supposed to know the answer to.

I must say though:  I am proud that I did what I was supposed to.  I'm proud that I did the right thing - and didn't  hide who I was or shrink back in what I believe in all of this.
If  I'm not supposed to go a certain route in this journey with God, then there's nothing that can keep me going that way, if I'm truly following Him. For that, I am grateful.  He is so sovereign.
I know I'm going to be okay.  In a way, I'm relieved because I finally feel like I have a grasp on whats going on in my life now - love life, really.
God is going on in my love life.

A Bout of Humor - Don't be a Fly, Boys.

some
"Invisible" lyrics
by: clay Aiken

Whatcha’ doin’ tonight
I wish I could be a fly on your wall
Are you really alone...
If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room...

I have a Bible verse for this [Ahem]

"All flying insects that creep on all fours shall be an abomination to you." Leviticus 11:20

The first time I heard Clay's song, I was a tad disturbed. Um... Ok... the guy wants to WATCH his prefered girl in HER ROOM?? Am I the only one who caught that as everyone else sang happily along with the new Hit Single played over and over again at the time? My thoughts summed up in one very distinct word and sound?!

"SICKO!"

OBVIOUSLY, God was talking about more then just the little annoying insects that make their way into our homes on a daily basis. Whether it was in context or not, God was writing to those girls out there who are considering whether they should let a guy who wants to be a fly on her wall with no hesitation to ideals of stalking, into her heart!!!


SO!


Sarah's Rule of Pointer NUMBRE UNO:

GUYS: DON'T be a creep.

Leviticus 11:41a - And every creeping thing that creeps...SHALL be an abomination

GIRLS: when you get tired of them, Under NO curcumstances should you tell them you wish you would, could, or you WILL eat them with either a smile or a scowl on your face!

Leviticus 11:41b - IT SHALL NOT BE EATEN.

Ergo Sarah Concludes: guys, don't be flies, and girls? Keep a fly-swatter in your room.


Signing off as she leaves her readers to hopeful cachinnation, farewell!

Ouch

you know, Lord?

This sucks.

I feel used, I feel invisible and I feel like just another girl.
It sucks that I feel that way.
Of course, I asked You to use me. I shouldn't be complaining!

me: "Lord!! Use me Use me Use me!!!!!!"
God: "Okay!"

later...

Me: "God!!! I feel so used!"
God: "But you said.."
Me: ".....I'm sorry, this just...I feel like I didn't even benifit from this. I feel like all it did was hurt me and give me a lesson learned."
God: "Sarah..."
Me: "Wait.. I know I'm so selfish. I SHOULDN'T sit here and tell you I didn't get anything out of this and complain. But God... .... and I don't WANT to complain, and I'll try NOT to, Jesus! Its just that... and I know I deserve a lot of what I get, but ... why me? Of all the people who.. I guess the question really is why NOT me? Lord, this hurts, I don't understand but I give this to you. I trust You, Lord. I do. Its just hard. Give me joy."
God: "Sarah, I love you, darling. I will be gentle. You are strong in Me. You'll see. You will dance. You will shout. You will bring glory. Just don't forget Me now. Press on. You'll see My will in due time, dear Child. I love you."

Sigh.

here I am

screwed up

beat up.

feeling hung out to dry.

I feel like an idiot.

I wear my heart on my sleave.

I give and give, and then cry and hurt when people throw it back.
I want to NOT give... but... I'm meant to.
and I screwed up.
maybe thats why this hurts more... because of my choices.
I didn't guard my heart.


sigh.

but its not broken.
and I'm not strong.

But God Is.


thats all the reason I need.

I've Wished For the Things That I Don't Need (All I wanted...)

So valentines day was yesterday. And you know what? it wasn't at all bad! In fact, I didn't feel the need at all to have a pity party for myself like I did the last 2 years. In fact, I had a good day.

I've realized something. I thought I wanted romance and I did. But I don't need it right now. In fact, I no longer want it right now except with my El Shaddai. The idea of being single and beautiful before my Lord is like peace upon my heart. I feel restless and I want so badly to get to know people who are on fire and ready to hit the world hard with a revelution. Can we really do that here in Ohio? Maybe. I just want to dive into a new realm. I want to record my music REALLY. Like, I want someone to think that its worth the time. I want to touch people through it. I want to touch people with what I write. I want to show people what I know. I want them to grow. I want to dive to a new level of worship. I want to feel God again. Does that sound selfish? I don't know. In order for me to do all this, I gotta be selfless.

God. Why did I think I needed a guy right now? I think I'm pulling through. I can live and love and have a sound mind about my decisions.

I'm learning whats important. You know whats important? That you not be afraid to tell your friends the truth. That you figure out who your real friends are and go from there.

Whats important is that you take every opportunity to encourage someone and to put a smile on their faces.

Have warm eyes. Thats important. Have a passionate voice. Thats important. Let everything in your heart show. thats important. And you know what? If you don't have selfishness in your heart, it won't be a problem to let everything show. Let everything show, but keep things to yourself. Be captivating. Be worthy of the gospel.

I am sooo surprised that I had a great Valentine's Day and I think I know why I did.

I didn't have expectations. I enjoyed it by wearing lots of pink and going out with a friend (Valerie) and being half of HER valentine (yes, Ryan was the other half. hmmm.... can you say God-thing?) and it was just... awesome.

Guys, my life is so crazy. I have two jobs, I intern at the church on Wednesdays along with lead cell and worship sometimes. I'm ALWAYS at the church and somehow God provides a small portion of my life for social activity. I have friends all over and I love each one dearly, even as I see and observe each quirk and flaw and take note that I have the same ones. If you have your feelings hurt, SAY SO for gosh sakes! If you have to be the one to tell a friend they're being a jerk because no one else will, THEN FREAKING SAY SO.

God! We're pansies! We don't deal, we run. I won't run anymore. I'm tired of running against God's flow. We gotta face stuff. We're not perfect. So we gotta learn how to face imperfection and accept that life is going to suck and people will be unreliable. But if you're really just relying on God ANYway, it shouldn't be too bad of a deal. DEAL. You'll be stronger. I want to be stronger. I want to be humbler. I want to be meeker.

With God's help I will.





and yeah, some one is out there and they're my match, and you can bet your bottom that I am HOPING that I get to marry him before I turn 33....okay....28....okay......24. haha. But really, I'm okay with what God wants. I've done the hard part, you know.

Now all I gotta do is walk with God and wait. I'm good with that.

Happy not-valentines day everyone. Its not the holiday, its the day. and the day is the day that the Lord has made. And God made it a lesson learned.

In the Words of Mouser, "Its all Good, brothah!"

You know?

I didn't know I could do what I'm doing.

I didn't know I could actually press through this sort of pain.

I've done it before, I know I have. I just remember it being much harder the first time.

This time though, I'm stronger somehow. And I can't remember exactly where I became stronger, I just know that last year, this time, I was in the same state of pain. The difference is, That its this year, and I've lived a full year since then. I grew. I've grown.
And now I hear God egging me on saying, "Hold your head high, Beloved! You are My daughter, and I have a plan for your life. Stand by Me and learn My statutes, and I will give you the wisdom you long for. You are strong, but I am stronger. Be confident in Me no matter how things seem to be going, and I will lead you on. You are Mine. I will never hurt you or forsake you. I WILL complete the works I have begun in you until that day which no one knows the day or the hour. I love you, darling. I will show you your dream. Just follow Me."

And, I cannot resist.

I cannot help the feelings I have. I can restrain them, though I've learned.
I can hide them as well.

I don't know what I'll do.

Truth is, its my time to wait, AND keep going, strange as it may sound.

Don't get me wrong... I hurt a lot.

But I love a lot too. Thats why I must go through some of this pain.

But... Jesus did.

And He calls us to follow Him in our every day walk. This must mean that this...this thing I'm going through, is Good.


And if it is Good,

then, I think I'll be okay.